BFP...eventually

I am horrible at updating, aren't I?

It's been a pretty hectic two months with lots going on with trying.

Our first transfer happened a little over a month ago.  It was a sad, strange day.  We had 9 embryos, 2 day 5s and 7 day 2s. We were letting the day 2s grow to blaststocysts for transfer, so that if they didn't make it we could still transfer one of the frozen day five. As we waited in the lobbie the nurse said, "we are running late, the embryo is still defrosting". My heart sank. We had lost one more precious Emby.

The transfer went ahead and that next week was punctuated by nausea. I was so sure I was pregnant, so AF was a huge shock. It was really sad. But different. I said to my BFF, it was sad and I was mourning, but it didn't have the same earth shattering effect of the previous years. Having two amazing little blond boys to hold helped.

I am so ridiculously aware of how blessed I am. After the BFN, while the boys were in their high chairs  I said (more to myself than them) "Boys, will you be sad if you don't get another sister or brother?"  Now S was not talking much at that stage. But he reach out his hand and said "bra bra". Connor took his hand and they smiled at each other. I am so aware of my dear friends longing for siblings for their miracles. I had that built in, and it is amazing.

And then we had our next transfer.

It couldn't be more different. No expectations. A transfer of one fantastic looking blast that had grown from day two. No symptoms. But no period either.

Beta day was weird. Our clinic has changed policy. Under 100, not positive but retest. Under 200, positive but retest. Over 200, pregnant and go onto scan.

I got 185.

Which seemed good but the nurse was very cautious.

Three days later I took another test. They wanted at least 550.

It was 800. BFP

That was yesterday.

Earl and I have just had our first night away from the boys. It's been such a special time to celebrate.  It is early days but we are happy.

The boys are doing well. They are saying funny words and making us laugh. C is growing more affectionate and S more brave but they are such little individuals. They still don't sleep but there are occasional good days that give us hope.

Earls depression came back, but is manageable at the moment. Happy news has helped I think.

My blog feed has slowed down, as less people write. I have watched three friends get pregnant with twins and several others struggle on the path to number two. I also watch friends who I love dealy with life without kids.


It's a strange community because we are drawn together with our shared struggles but our paths are so different .

But I pray for you all.
Love LG

Back in the Saddle

Hello, it's been a while!

How long?  Well, the boys are both 16 months.  It is crazy to think that last time I wrote they were not walking, they were not understanding what we said, that they were barely saying Mum, Mum and Dada.

They are some of the most mobile toddlers I know.  They don't walk, they run, and they are climbing on everything at the moment.  C is speaking quite a bit- he's even just started on his first two word sentences (Bye Dad, Shower Dad, Tat Eow (Cat Meow).  S doesn't say many words other than Mum and Dad, but he has this strange babble which almost sounds like sentences, and occasionally I feel like I understand him.  He is so animated.

They are both funny, silly, happy boys and they bring such joy to everyone.

They don't sleep well and they are into everything and I am exhausted much of the time.  But I wouldn't trade them, they are so dear to me.

And, as the title of the post suggests, we are beginning again.

I am in the process of taking some medication to get me to ovulate and then we'll be transferring our next embryo.  I honesty don't know how to feel about any of it.  I'm scared and nervous about beginning the process with so little sleep in my life.  I am nervous about what life would be like with three little ones.  But I'm much more nervous about it not working.  When chatting with my doctor he shared our concerns.  We had done so many cycles. Was it the steroids that made the difference, meaning that this next cycle is likely to work as well?  Or was it just an amazing one off from God (or a medical one, from our doctors point of you).  And because we won't know until we try some more times it's hard to know what to expect.

Earl is pretty relaxed.  He feels like no matter what happens, because we have the boys it can't ever be as hard as it was.  And I know that's true.  But I love these embryos, and I want them to have a chance.   And I am so grateful for my boys and I know if the only children I have on earth are them I will be happy.  But I would love to have more children.

So that's my update.  Life is good, exhausting and I can't believe we are starting again.

I'm so sorry I haven't been able to comment on many blogs.  I just don't have much time on the computer nowadays and I can't comment on my phone.  But I check regularly and pray for you all.

Love LG

Ten Months and the challenge of honesty and thankfulness

It's been over three months since I've posted.

One of the things that I really struggle with when it comes to facebook is that there are two "sins" that I don't want to commit.

The first one is "fakeness".  I don't want to be one of those people who posts beautiful happy photos and gushes about my perfect life when things are tough.

The second one is a lack of thankfulness.  I used to find it so hard to hear people who spent their time complaining about their kids when they should be thankful for the incredible gift that they are.

I think these "sins" are ones I am conscious of on this blog as well, particularly when I think about the last three months.  Is that why I haven't written.  No, it's just that time on my computer is very limited and I've been busy and tired.  The boys until this week have been very unsettled in the early evening so I haven't really had many evenings to rest.  And when I have I've usually been hanging with family or Earl and that has been the priority.  But Earl is watching NBA/AFL and the boys are actually sleeping well so I thought I'd drop in briefly before I work on another thing I've been missing- novel writing.

So, the last three months have been hard.  The long and short of it is that Earl has been suffering depression.  It took me a while to figure it out (and a little while to convince him), but it explained so much when we figured it out.  Why our marriage had been such hard work.  Why Earl had been so withdrawn.  Why Earl was so negative about his work when things were actually going well. Having a husband who is depressed is hard work, having a husband who is depressed while parenting twins is really hard work.  He was still enjoying the boys of course, but he just didn't have much energy for them, and pretty much none for me. 

He's been seeing a counsellor and is doing a lot better.  And I'm really seeing the difference in life, and starting to feel a bit more on top of things again.  Not many people tell you how big an impact kids have on your marriage.  But it feels like we are finally making head-way in prioritising each other again and it's a blessing.

The other tough factor is that the boys do not sleep.  On a good night C will sleep through, but S is up usually three times in the night. On a bad night C is woken up too, and spends most of the night in our bed.  Coping with 10 months of little sleep is pretty overwhelming, and while I cope with the day, the nights are so hard.  We are signed up to sleep school in May, and I'm just hanging out until the time.

But that's the strange thing.  Even though it's been a really tough 3 months to leave it at that is just half the picture.  The truth is though life is tough it is also amazingly beautiful.  Every month with the boys is better and better as their sweet, fun personalities begin to emerge.  I have loved, loved, loved being a Mum to these special little guys.

C is hilarious.  He has the most infectious- breathy laugh and he is so easy to make laugh.  His smile lights up his whole face.  He isn't crawling much yet, though he does occasional proper crawls but he mainly just commando's around the place in a strange move which looks like the butterfly in swimming.  He is pretty fast and strong despite that.  He pulled to stand 2 weeks after S but has caught up quickly and is pulling himself up on everything and only needs one hand to balance.  He is very needy when he falls, even though he's learnt now to land on his bottom.  He is super clingy to me and is always wanting to snack on Milk and I'm still working out how to break him of this.  He loves his brother, is always laughing when he sees him and tends to follow him round the house.  He is my snuggler buggler, always moving in for kisses and nuzzling necks.  He always tries to touch and kiss other babies so I am always running interference!  He says Mama when he's sad and Da Da when he's happy as well as Aba and nana

S is my crazy crawler- he is so fast.  He always makes people start because he can crawl and pull himself up to stand on furniture, and yet he is still the size of a three month old.  S loves exploring, and particularly following.  Earl and he are always playing games, Earl walks around the house and S chases, or Earl puts a dummy in his mouth and S tries to grab it.  He laughs and laughs.  His smile is so beautiful and he smiles all the time.  He crawls up to me and pulls himself up on my pant leg and just grins at me. He has only just this week started getting interested in C and now they always hang out together, leaning on the cabnet, or playing on their activity table, or taking toys from each other (they never fight, they just take turns pulling it from each others fingers and keep smiling through the process).  S says Deda and Gega and Mama.

C will eat anything and loves eating from and playing with spoons.  S prefers feeding himself and is quite fussy.  They eat bread and yoghurt and rice cereal everyday and I've been giving them various soft stews as well as peas and corn, egg, sticks of capsicum or cucumber, and roast veggies.  They eat off our plates too.  They are very messy but meals times are lots of fun.  We do prayers in the morning after breakfast and read our kids Bible, then we sing some songs. 

They have no health problems, and are on track developmentally.  It is crazy to think that they had such a scary start.  We can't imagine life without them.

Still no teeth.

Every week there is something new and special. 

Yesterday I had organised an event with my Mums group and everybody pulled out.  This is the kind of thing that crushes me and I cried on the way home.  When I was home I put the boys in their highchairs and gave them dinner.  They were laughing with each other, trying to work out how to eat tiny peas without many fine motor skills.  I just looked at them and just felt so happy.  That is my life.  Hard and overwhelming and wonderful.  All rolled into one. 

Loving following everyone's stories.  I'm not the only one who blogs less but I guess that's just how it is.  Excited for many friends who are embarking on new adventures.  Still praying for those who are dealing with disappointments and discouragement.

Can't promise I will write regularly but I will try.
love LG





seven months

Bullet points today :)

-lovely stage. The Count is now so easy to make laugh.  He is such a sweet heart,  with the biggest smile and such big starring eyes.  He is so strong and now bounces up and down on your lap when you hold him to stand. He still flaps his arms and legs when you put him on his tummy,  and he kicks his legs when he is excited,  like when he sees a familiar face or when he realises its time for solids :) He is a big eater and we have started givING him snacks from our own plates which is fun.

Little Sir is still a charmer.  He had the sweetest smile and he will often talk to people or even more his head or wave his arms for their attention.  He has just started waving his hand, rotating it slowly and starring in fascination. He is easily spooked and so needs occasional comforting.

C is very strong but not very Coordinated. He grabs his dummy out then proceeds to bash himself in the face with it trying to get it back in

Sleep at night is tough, but they are so much better during the day. I am in a pretty good place,  so struggling less with the stress of being the primary settler. Though on days where it is just me putting then to bed at night after a whole day with them I feel pretty exhausted. Earl is great but his primary method of getting the boys to sleep is cuddling then in bed which u isn't always convenient.   C about every 4 days screams for 30 minutes before bed. We have no idea why,  but it's more upsetting for others who come to help than us because we know it passes and that it's just a tantrum from an otherwise happy boy.

I bought C a monkey and S a lion for Christmas.  Was hats to find a good set but I went with Jellycat from the Uk, such a beautiful collection of soft toys!

I know that the boys don't know what is going on, but I am loving preparING then for their first Christmas. Every morning we sing a Carol ( I made S cry with the high note from oh Holly night! ). I've bought then little out fits. That live starring at the shiny baubles on the tree. We had fun picking photos of the boys to give to relatives.

I am part of a mums group in my local area and I love it.  We are all so different but United by the same experiences of having babies the same age. I feel very blessed witmy group,  that we ate all keen and friendly and honest about our struggles.   We did a Christmas partywith the nbabies and husbands.

Earl as been overworked and a bit down. Im praying a less busu summer will bring him back to normal fun Earl. But trying to support him as best I can.

I am loving this time and stage.  But Christmas is tied up with thought of Thumper. So tgere are tinges of sadness within my joy.
LG

Sixth Months

(This post was started a while ago- but better late than never)
My boys were six months on Saturday.

Life with my boys at the moment is such a weird combination of beautiful and fun, and exhausting and hard, that it's hard to know how to write about it.  I guess I'll start with beautiful and fun.

So, we have two rolling boys.  It is the cutest thing. Originally Little Sir would roll over and then immediate complain until we rolled him back.  Now he doesn't mind it so much.  The Count LOVES Tummy time so he can be left happily on his tummy for quite a while. 

So often I start making assumptions about their personalities, only to find out that they are actually just stages.  The Count went from very chatty to super quiet, while Little Sir began to talk and laugh all the time.  Now Little Sir is mostly quiet and the Count is cracking us up with the sounds he is making.  He is clearly experimenting, with everything from baby squeals, to quiet groans that make it sound like he has emphysema!  He has started regularly laughing which is pretty cute too.  He favourite things are peak-boo, someone sneezing, and having his clothes taken off.  He is going to be one of those toodlers who you look away from for a minute and they are completely naked :)

Little Sir might have quietened down, but he is still a super smiley boy.  I don't want to jinks it, but I think he's a Mummies boy.  He was sitting on Daddies chest in bed when I lay down beside.  He immediately lunged for me, almost toppling off.  And when I settle him to sleep, I usually hold his unwrapped hand so he wont take his dummy/paci out.  Now he just reaches for my hand automatically.  So cute.

The Count definitely loves his Daddy, he kicks and laughs when he walks in the room.  He is so active, kicking and shaking on his back, and on his tummy he lifts everything off the ground and wiggles like a little turtle.

Solids have been fun.  The Count is definitely ready, he gets so excited when he sees the room coming, and manages to put things away fairly well.  Little Sir is much more cautious, though he always eats a little of everything. hes just started liking rice cereal.

The Count loves: Rice cereal, pumpkin and peas, mango
He dislikes: avocado, sweet potato

The hard?

Sleep


The boys have not been sleeping well. Little Sir gets up at least twice a night,
The Count at least once. They are so hard to settle in the day. I quick sleep training because it was too hard. Now I try to be diligent with their morning naps, but in the arvo when both boys are sleeping it is all bets off.

Ive been very close to being depressed, which is hard for someone whi loves her boys,  and who fought hard for them. I want to be fully enjoying this gift. Vut six months of sleep deprivation has its toll. one morning last week I looked down at a smiling Count and was not looking forward to the day wirh him. That was a red flag that I was not coping.

Since originally writing this post ive been on holidays and am feeling much better.  So nicw to be enjoying my boys again.

But I wanted to record the hard because it is part of this journey.
LG

Five and a half months

Im sitting feeding the Count at 7 in the morning.  It's been a brutal night.  The boys took turns at waking up and needing settling,  and they both needed two feeds.  It's har to believe that a week ago Little Sir got up once and The Count slept through.  Im hoping this is a growth spurt week and not the new normal.

We went to sleep school this week.  It was really helpful.  So we are now in training.  Im trying to teach my  boys to put themselves to sleep.  Basically,  I put them in their cot and walk away. If they cry, I go in and settle them. If they cry again, I settle again. If they get really upset,  I pick them up and settle.  It can take over half an hour to settle just one baby! It's short term pain for the long term gain of having boys who settle themselves.  But it is exhausting.

The boys are deveopmentaly leaping every week  The count is so strong,  he now loves tummy time and standing. He is gripping things and playing with toys.

Little Sir has just learnt to roll back to tummy and now he wont stop. It's hilarious because if I put him on his tummy he rolls back, but if he gets there himself he cries until I turn himover. He loves pulling out his dummy and he is almost managing to put it back in.

They are both laughing and are constantly charming strangers with their smiles. And their parents too!

I love this age but im exhausted. Hopefully soon we'll get their day sleeps sorted so I no longer need a friend to make my naps happen.

Oh, and this week we are trying solids!  So excited!

LG

Remembering

This week has been a week of remembering.

A week ago was the anniversary of our bfp. I was all sent to blog about it. But as I was about to I remembered back to when we were still trying and what it was like reading those posts.  The pain of looking back a year at my initial joy for my friend and realising that a whole year had past without any good news for me. So I couldn't write it.

The web is filled with mentions of loss. Because Australia is ahead of everywhere I forgot and couldn't light a candle. But I am thinking of the little lost ones of many of my friends and of course my dear little Thumpet and his embaby brothers and sisters.

My babies. Lost, but not forgotten and not for good.
Love LG