To test or...

Hi Friends,
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. No, I haven't tested yet. One reason is business (we'll been staying with family- no chance to go to the chemist) but the main reason is Earl isn't ready yet. It's pretty funny, I told him I was day 42 yesterday and he said "That's not that much". I don't know how on earth he could think 42 isn't much! We did have some really long cycles when I first went off the pill, but even then-we are already up to the second longest cycle of my life!

He is just so very afraid. He doesn't want to get disappointed. "Let's just not think about it for a week and then see what happens". But he's the guy and he can do that, and that's a little tougher for me :) But I am happy to go with what he thinks for the moment- because I understand how he feels. At the moment its just a possibility, a very real and exciting possibility and an answer to a million prayers- once we test we can be pretty sure- and a BFN would be horrible.

And its doubly hard because I'm such a hypochondriac, I can't work out if the slight morning nauseousness I"m feeling is just in my head... I haven't even mentioned it to Earl because again, if I am not pregnant and it is in my head I don't want to make this harder for him by getting his hopes up more than they already are.

So I'll sit back and wait, and see if I feel sicker. If i do, i don't think I'll have any problem convincing Earl its time for a test.

Sorry you have to wait along with me! Praying soon I'll have good news for all of us!
LG

Do I dare?

Do I dare even to start to think about it?

No bleeding except for a little bit over a week ago. Cramping-weird cramping that is not like period and not like Thumper. Day 42.

Can I even say it?

Could I be pregnant?

I don't know, it seems so unlikely that it could happen and so scary to get hopeful and be wrong.

But what if I am?
LG

Sensitive moments

Family agents are always a little scary when you struggle with IF. When you add in a very obviously pregnant sister-in-law, it can b a little daunting. But my experience is that usually the worst case scenarios don't happen.

Usually.

We arrived at the wedding and Earls Aunt began to gush over SILs belly-I was sitting in front so I turned around so I wouldn't be forced to smile at her comments. She was holding earls cousins screaming daughter. She dumped the daughter into my arms and said "here you go, it's about time you got clucky (is that an Australian expression? To get clucky means to really want a baby)

Earl and I walked outside and I started to cry. I said "I knew someone would say something". Earl said "You set yourself up for these things. It wasn't that bad-you've just worried yourself into being super sensitive". And this morning I know that. But yesterday I was too wound up-too overwhelmed by the belly that just couldn't be looked away from to be brave.

Earl is lovely, so sensitive and always on my side. But it can be hard with his family. He loves them, but he really cares about what they think, and me crying in front of them is the height of humiliation for him. And there have been several family functions which I've found hard which Earl has not been able to enjoy because of me. And that's tough for both of us. But there is a limit to my strengh and I don't know how things could have been different.

The irony in all this is that AF still hasn't arrived yet. I am having silly little dreams of two lines, but I also know that the odds of me getting pregnant naturally are a great deal worse than the odds of a 39 day cycle after a stim cycle. I don't even know if it's possible to get pregnant straight after IVF. For once google has let me down on an IVF question :)

I'm not going to test for a bit longer-and I just have to remind myself not to get carried away. I've already prematurely mourned AF this month, I don't want to go through it again a week later because I get convinced of something that just isn't very likely.

Tonight I'm celebrating Thanksgiving with My family. This year has been tough. But there is, in my experience, always something to be thankful for.

Even if it's just Pumpkin Pie :)
LG

Too much in my head

I sat down to write out my feelings but it's hard to know where to start. There are two very distinct things happening in my head to do with Infertility- and that- compiled with all the thinking that comes with moving and leaving a job has left me a bit shell shocked. I woke up early and I was just snapped wide awake. There were just too many things to think. It's the kind of morning where I would wake up and clean, but we are at my in-laws house so there is no need.

In-laws. That's as good a place to start. I was feeling pretty good about my sister-in-laws pregnancy a little while ago, and alot of the fears, to do with this trip to see family, and Christmas, and all family stuff up until she gives birth- had seemed to disappear somewhat. So I think I was blind-sided by how hard it was seeing my in-law. My Father-in-law asked "Any News" and while I suspect he meant nothing by it- I read it as "Are you pregnant yet?". He talked about painting "The yellow room" which is the room that my nephew will sleep in when he is born (my SIL and BIL will live with my PIL for a while when the baby comes). I felt sick. It is one thing to know that my SIL is having a baby before me, but to see all the excitement that I feel should have been about Thumper is really tough.

I didn't look in the room last night- I did it just this morning. There was a change table. It was nice. I thought- maybe I will be okay. Maybe it was tiredness that was making me crazy.

Then I got on the computer downstairs to write on this blog- and all the "favourite" websites that came up were baby related.

Not just tiredness.

Second IF thing which is really hard is that my body is acting really weird. On Monday I thought AF was coming because I got some spotting. On Wednesday I thought AF was coming because I had some more bleeding. Thursday and today...nothing. Nothing except cramps which are really weird and are actually reminicent of the twinges I had before I misscarried.

I don't actually think that I am pregnant. I have had something like this once before- where I kind of got a fake period, and then the real one came about 5 days later. But I am really struggling with the uncertainty of it and what it might mean. Is there something wrong with me? Is my body not recovering well from IVF. Am I pre-metapausal. And there is always a little fear that maybe I am pregnant but its ectopic- hense the pain and the irregular bleeding.

And the pain is hard. Its not the dull ache of a period but sharp little "ouches". Not enough to have to take anything for it, but just unexpected and annoying.

If I am not pregnant- I just want a normal period.

When will my body behave?

Despite all that, I'm actually going okay. Not perfect, but still so much better than a few weeks ago when I feel apart.

I'm also deciding whether to see my BFF. I would like to see her, but it will be the first time I see her since her news, and I'm not sure i'm up to that. I will be moving close by in less than 3 weeks, so she won't mind. Hard to decide.

Too much in my head!
LG

It would have been nice

I got AF today. On day 35. It's not that I really truely thought that I was pregnant- though I was starting to feel both hopeful and stressed and unsure. When AF came I felt a little sad. I didn't think I was pregnant.

But it would have been nice.

I am still in a pretty good place. I packed my bags, and chatted with friends, and did my work despite the arrival.

But it would have been nice.

I am feeling really excited and hopeful about moving onto a new clinic. It has been a really rough year and change is good. I am very aware that my chances in any non-medicated cycle are very slim, and that my best chances are when the doctors do some of the hard work for me.

But it would have been nice.

It would have been nice to be pregnant. It would have been wonderful. It would have been the best. To be pregnant a year after loosing Thumper. To go into a year of change with a little miracle nestling inside of me.

But it was not to be.
LG

Still good

I was a little bit worried that the reason I was in such a good place was that AF had not arrived and that this hope was what was keeping me going.

But while there can be no good time for AF- I am pretty happy with how things went today.

Just before finding out that AF was probably on her way, I realised I missed a call. You see, my lovely counsellor had called up a few specialist in the state which we are moving too- just to see if there were any that might squeeze me in. One of the doctors- who is quite high up in the field of IVF- is not taking new patients until February. But his personal secretary called to say she can book me in for an appointment in Dec! Yay! And so when AF came it wasn't of a cycle that didn't work that I was thinking of but rather of IVF in the future that might.

That is exciting and hopeful.

I have many other things I'd love to write, but life is mad, mad, mad in a good busy way, and I really should get off my butt and do some packing while I have 30 minutes breath :)

Love to you all, i don't know what kind of days you are having but I'm praying for strength and hope for you all. And lots of babies :)
LG

Oposite ends- and my dream

Hi Friends,
Can i just say, thanks to everyone who is praying for me. This week has been great. It has had emotional moments, but I can't believe how well I am dealing with news. So yay to you guys who support me, yay to my counsellor, yay to Earl, and yay to God!

Anyway, when I say I'm in a good mood, it is remarkable given what I'm about to tell you.

At my church there is a lady who has been overseas for three months. She is 7 months pregnant. I had lunch with her today, and as we talked I felt amazed. We are on totally opposite ends for everything.

She has two children, one 8 and one 12- and she is 45. Her husband and her are together less than half the year. When she didn't get her period she thought it must be menopausal. When she found out she was having a child she slipped into depression.

Her husband is overseas half of the year. She had finished her family. She did not want to have this child. She told her doctor if she wasn't a follower of Jesus she would have gotten rid of it. She just does not know how she is going to cope with a new born again. Her kids are now used to the idea- but her 8 year old was screaming at her in tears when she found out. "Our family is finished" she cried out angrily.

She said to me "We know this is a blessing but it's not a blessing we want".

It is so strange, and hard to comprehend, that people who don't want kids get them and people like me who pray so hard for them don't. I really felt for her, and wished there was someway that we can take the child for her. But I believe there is a purpose in her having another child. I don't yet understand the purpose of me NOT having a child, but I believe that she has been blessed and will one day be ready to count that blessing.

Anyway- onto the dream.

I have a re-occurring dream which is going to 'out' me to the world as the biggest nerd ever! My dream is that I am back at University- and I find out I was doing a subject I forgot about, and I am not going to finish the work and I'm going to fail. It is this terrible feeling of hopeless. It always seems to come at times of stress and change.

Anyway, this morning I had the dream- but it was slightly altered.

The subject was a maths subject, and I had an exam and several assignments due in a matter of days. The feeling of stress overwhelmed me. But then I paused. I looked down at the text book. I thought to myself "I'm good at Math, I can work this out, I can do this". And so I sat down and began the assignment.

I woke up amazed. And it seemed so appropriate to how I feel this week. Yes, I'm scared of next year, and facing Christmas, and all the babiness and babylessness that is butting heads this year. And it will be tough.

But I'm good at tough. I can work this out. I can do this.
LG