It's strange how your experience of Infertility treatment changes as time goes on. There was a certain sense, in the first few years, of optimism and excitement. Of course, I was never one of those people who bought maternity clothes or picked out furniture during the IVF process, but I always had a lovely sense of doing something.
Now the whole process is filled with dread.
It hit me yesterday that now I'm just waiting for AF before we start. We've hit day 29 today, and I suspect this weekend will be the time for AF to show up. And once AF comes, I call the clinic and begin my cycle. I pick up my meds. I start my u/s. I begin our very, very last go of a stimulated cycle. I mentioned it to Earl and we both looked at each other with such a sick, sad expression. We are not filled with very much hope.
But while I am scared that it is the last one, and that in less than a month my dreams of having genetic children will be dead, there is another feeling.
Relief.
Relief that we are momentarily off the roller coaster. Relief that we have an alternative plan I am happy with. Relief that whatever happens, I do not have to do another stimulated cycle. Relief that at least we did all we can.
Oh, how I would love this to work. I still dream about it. My day dreams are all about little twins that look like us. I don't know if it makes it harder that we have our kids names already picked out. I see them, all the time in my mind. I see me calling our kids by their names. There is a bit of me that thinks we might just be due for an eleventh hour miracle.
But either way, this is over, and I am glad as well as very scared. What a mess of emotions this process produces!
Earl and I had the loveliest time yesterday. We took our friends kids to the Museum. It was such fun. We watched a 3D movie about volcanoes and the girl sat on my lap, hiding in my shoulder if it got to scary. It was so precious. And for once it wasn't about what I didn't have. It was about what I had. I hate that I'm not a Mum. But it's pretty awesome being a favourite Auntie to some of the cutest kids imaginable.
It's strange how life can seem so full and so empty at the same time.
IF- you are a wicked witch!
LG
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
2 week wait zipping by
I am sorry friends I have not been very good at commenting on blogs this week. I have not had much time on the computer. I can't really aford this time, but I will briefly indulge because I feel like I should be recording what is happening. After all, i am in the dreaded 2 week wait, and I am thinking lots of things, even if I haven't had time to write it down.
This cycle is so strange. For two reasons. One-day 2 transfer. Two- two embryo transfer.
Number one is weird because for the first 2 days I knew that best case scenario my ebryos were just hanging out in my uterus, growing. Normally with a blastocyst transfer they would still be in a dish, so all this is strange. I'm used to knowing where my embabies are up to! I imagine what is happening, I commentate and pray through it. Now to eight cells my lovelies, now to blastyocist. Start to hatch. It is just weird. Not we are hinting the point where they are either attaching or they aren't. Weird. Just so different from normal.
Plus the two. The plural. It's just so strange to think about it. To think that I'm not just aiming for a BFP, but two heart beats. I flow between dreams about having two babies (which take turns in my heads being different genders, first girl girl, then girl boy, then boy boy), and worrying that one will make it and othe other won't, to worrying if I loose them will it be even hard becuase there are two.
It's all so strange.
All in all I am incredibly positive. It seems surreal that in a week and a weekend I will know the outcome.
Praying for lots of you, going through hard things, going through cycles, going through miracles. I was going to post on your blogs, but I've been hit with a wave of exhaustion. Think it's time to rest. But I'll reply soon.
Love LG
This cycle is so strange. For two reasons. One-day 2 transfer. Two- two embryo transfer.
Number one is weird because for the first 2 days I knew that best case scenario my ebryos were just hanging out in my uterus, growing. Normally with a blastocyst transfer they would still be in a dish, so all this is strange. I'm used to knowing where my embabies are up to! I imagine what is happening, I commentate and pray through it. Now to eight cells my lovelies, now to blastyocist. Start to hatch. It is just weird. Not we are hinting the point where they are either attaching or they aren't. Weird. Just so different from normal.
Plus the two. The plural. It's just so strange to think about it. To think that I'm not just aiming for a BFP, but two heart beats. I flow between dreams about having two babies (which take turns in my heads being different genders, first girl girl, then girl boy, then boy boy), and worrying that one will make it and othe other won't, to worrying if I loose them will it be even hard becuase there are two.
It's all so strange.
All in all I am incredibly positive. It seems surreal that in a week and a weekend I will know the outcome.
Praying for lots of you, going through hard things, going through cycles, going through miracles. I was going to post on your blogs, but I've been hit with a wave of exhaustion. Think it's time to rest. But I'll reply soon.
Love LG
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Friday it is, and a the weird happy/sad results
Friday it is. We will find out after 3pm what time, but we have the day, I have the ultra complicated adding powder to liquid injection to do, and then we have lift off. The doctor and the nurse are happy with the numbers and size, they seem smaller and less than I remember there should be, so I am a bit lost at how to think. The nurse seemed surprised that i should be worried. Doc thinks there are four good ones, and we might get some of the smaller ones if we are lucky.
Anyway, happy/sad result was not about the scan but about the biopsy and my blood results. Doc says I have (and this is a direct quote) "A text book uterus". Everything was doing exactly what it was suppose to be doing. Doc is ready (as much as you can know in this business) to rule out any Uterus problems.
He then went onto say that it is probably Embryo issues.
Hard to hear just before a cycle.
Of course, the first step in a solution to embryo problems is to change around the stimulation, which is what we are doing. So in some senses I should be happy about that. But I guess I was hoping that there might be an easy fix solution to our problems in time for this cycle, and that is unlikely to be the case.
But this news also throws wide open the Embryo Adoption option.
And even though we would love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love (I won't keep writing it, but you get the idea) for this to work right now, and to get our little half Lady/Earl baby, the idea that there might be an alternative if this doesn't work is a wonderful relief.
Earl was saying, people always talk about babies being "blood of my blood". He said the thing that really appeals about EA is that the baby will share my blood in the womb. That is a really nice image. I think he's a little sad at the prospect of the baby not sharing his blood, but not sad enough not to want to do it.
So here we are. Trying again. Praying for our miraculous cycle. But feeling like babies are likely to be in our future, whatever the outcome.
LG
PS Funeral is day before transfer, on my rest day. So all in all a very emotion packed week.
Anyway, happy/sad result was not about the scan but about the biopsy and my blood results. Doc says I have (and this is a direct quote) "A text book uterus". Everything was doing exactly what it was suppose to be doing. Doc is ready (as much as you can know in this business) to rule out any Uterus problems.
He then went onto say that it is probably Embryo issues.
Hard to hear just before a cycle.
Of course, the first step in a solution to embryo problems is to change around the stimulation, which is what we are doing. So in some senses I should be happy about that. But I guess I was hoping that there might be an easy fix solution to our problems in time for this cycle, and that is unlikely to be the case.
But this news also throws wide open the Embryo Adoption option.
And even though we would love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love (I won't keep writing it, but you get the idea) for this to work right now, and to get our little half Lady/Earl baby, the idea that there might be an alternative if this doesn't work is a wonderful relief.
Earl was saying, people always talk about babies being "blood of my blood". He said the thing that really appeals about EA is that the baby will share my blood in the womb. That is a really nice image. I think he's a little sad at the prospect of the baby not sharing his blood, but not sad enough not to want to do it.
So here we are. Trying again. Praying for our miraculous cycle. But feeling like babies are likely to be in our future, whatever the outcome.
LG
PS Funeral is day before transfer, on my rest day. So all in all a very emotion packed week.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Clothes and IVF
Today my sister and I went shopping. We went shopping at a big op shop (I think the equivalent in America is Goodwill? But I'm not sure, anyway, second hand clothes with proceeds to charity). Anyway, it was all second hand clothes and my sister is the master of second hand clothes shopping. We went shopping and I tried on numerous things, got lots for not very much, and then went home and got Earl to have the final say of what he thought. Those he doesn't like will end up right back where they started :)
But anyway, as I tried on clothes it was funny because IVF has made me a bit bloated so I have this little belly which seemed to stick out of everything. And I kept saying to my sister, "It's just okay at the moment, but that's because of IVF, it will fit better later".
It was only after I said it that I realised what a weird place I must be in to think like that.
You do IVF to have a baby. That is what it's all about. Yet I am so used to the principle "Hope for the best, but shop for the worst"- that I didn't even think that if IVF works then none of this stuff will fit. And maybe I was shopping where I was shopping because it didn't matter too much. But it was weird, weird to think that my default is not-pregnant, even though I am working so hard for the other outcome.
When BFF got married, I ordered a dress in the size I was. We figured, if I did get pregnant, it would be such happy news, we would buy another one, get it altered or remade. Whereas to take-in a pregnancy dress would be too heart-breakingly hard. I often think of that, that strange "Just in case" discussion. And yet here we are nearly 2 years later and BFF is pregnant and I am not.
I desperately want to be pregnant. But I will not put my life on hold. "Hope for the best, shop for the worst" might not be the most positive state to be, but if I never bough clothes because I was trying, I would be naked right now.
Yes, "Hope for the best, shop for the worst" is best :)
LG
But anyway, as I tried on clothes it was funny because IVF has made me a bit bloated so I have this little belly which seemed to stick out of everything. And I kept saying to my sister, "It's just okay at the moment, but that's because of IVF, it will fit better later".
It was only after I said it that I realised what a weird place I must be in to think like that.
You do IVF to have a baby. That is what it's all about. Yet I am so used to the principle "Hope for the best, but shop for the worst"- that I didn't even think that if IVF works then none of this stuff will fit. And maybe I was shopping where I was shopping because it didn't matter too much. But it was weird, weird to think that my default is not-pregnant, even though I am working so hard for the other outcome.
When BFF got married, I ordered a dress in the size I was. We figured, if I did get pregnant, it would be such happy news, we would buy another one, get it altered or remade. Whereas to take-in a pregnancy dress would be too heart-breakingly hard. I often think of that, that strange "Just in case" discussion. And yet here we are nearly 2 years later and BFF is pregnant and I am not.
I desperately want to be pregnant. But I will not put my life on hold. "Hope for the best, shop for the worst" might not be the most positive state to be, but if I never bough clothes because I was trying, I would be naked right now.
Yes, "Hope for the best, shop for the worst" is best :)
LG
Update
Earl's Grandpa passed away this morning. It's a tough week, but we are glad he is out of pain and with Jesus.
Scan went well. Only a few follicals so they are upping the dose. But it's only day 7 so I'm not worried! Next Scan is on Tuesday, starting the antagonist on Saturday.
The doc I saw today (not my normal doc) thinks that pick up will be on Friday/Saturday next week. I suspect it might even be Monday. I've let Mother in law know (in a really subtle, don't say what it is but hint way) that if the funeral is on Friday I might not be able to go, and she has reasons for an earlier funeral anyway so that's looking not too bad.
But all in all a massive day. I caught up with BFF which was lovely but exausting, and I'm stressed about Earl's work as well.
Earl commented that we are fighting alot more lately, and that we have to work hard at looking after each other. But we don't really know the best way to do that, we can't take away the stress, I guess we just have to work hard at dealing with it better.
I feel like I'm swimming in a sea of stress. Which I'm sure is a great place to be for IVF.
So much for a relaxing cycle :(
LG
Scan went well. Only a few follicals so they are upping the dose. But it's only day 7 so I'm not worried! Next Scan is on Tuesday, starting the antagonist on Saturday.
The doc I saw today (not my normal doc) thinks that pick up will be on Friday/Saturday next week. I suspect it might even be Monday. I've let Mother in law know (in a really subtle, don't say what it is but hint way) that if the funeral is on Friday I might not be able to go, and she has reasons for an earlier funeral anyway so that's looking not too bad.
But all in all a massive day. I caught up with BFF which was lovely but exausting, and I'm stressed about Earl's work as well.
Earl commented that we are fighting alot more lately, and that we have to work hard at looking after each other. But we don't really know the best way to do that, we can't take away the stress, I guess we just have to work hard at dealing with it better.
I feel like I'm swimming in a sea of stress. Which I'm sure is a great place to be for IVF.
So much for a relaxing cycle :(
LG
Friday, February 3, 2012
AF, and super sucky timing!
The morning after our first initial appointment I got AF. In the lead up to IVF treatment, I always pray desperately to just get pregnant naturally. Now more than ever because things are just so hard. I know its terrible, but this next IVF just seems like a waste of time, it feels like we are just punching at the wind. Earl doesn't feel like that, he feels like we are still a real chance.
(incidentally, Earl has been talking about "Getting a little sister for Thumper". I love that. In fact, when he says that is the the only time I feel hopeful about things)
So i was incredibly devastated. And hormonal for what followed.
We had a follow up nurses appointment that day. The counsellor had told us that we could just tell the nurse that we were changing streams and not doing the Genetic testing. But when we rocked up, we found out this nurse only did Genetic testing appointments, and so see couldn't help us! We would have to make another nurses appointment, next Friday
And when I asked if I could start things this cycle, since I had my period that day, I was told "No, it would be irresponsible for us to start you before you'd seen the nurse to explain how to inject yourself".
I'VE BEEN INJECTING MYSELF FOR NEARLY THREE BLOOMING YEARS!!!
Anyway, I totally over-reacted. And we have another month to wait :(
I hate AF. Not just the not pregnant thing, but the fact that all the pain of not-pregnantness is compounded by pain and hormones. I lay in bed last night at 3am, not able to sleep because of some cramping, and just thinking over and over about how horrific infertility is.
Needless to say, I need to make an appointment and find a new counsellor (the one we saw on Wednesday is retiring in four weeks- more bad timing). I was in a really, really, really bad place last night. Appreciate any one's prayers if they can, I just need some more hope and clarity- I'm walking around in a whirl of very bad thoughts.
SIL baby shower tomorrow. I've actually been coping well, I've even made a cake (I might put up a photo when it's finished- it's so cute!). But since AF everything seems just so very hard.
LG
(incidentally, Earl has been talking about "Getting a little sister for Thumper". I love that. In fact, when he says that is the the only time I feel hopeful about things)
So i was incredibly devastated. And hormonal for what followed.
We had a follow up nurses appointment that day. The counsellor had told us that we could just tell the nurse that we were changing streams and not doing the Genetic testing. But when we rocked up, we found out this nurse only did Genetic testing appointments, and so see couldn't help us! We would have to make another nurses appointment, next Friday
And when I asked if I could start things this cycle, since I had my period that day, I was told "No, it would be irresponsible for us to start you before you'd seen the nurse to explain how to inject yourself".
I'VE BEEN INJECTING MYSELF FOR NEARLY THREE BLOOMING YEARS!!!
Anyway, I totally over-reacted. And we have another month to wait :(
I hate AF. Not just the not pregnant thing, but the fact that all the pain of not-pregnantness is compounded by pain and hormones. I lay in bed last night at 3am, not able to sleep because of some cramping, and just thinking over and over about how horrific infertility is.
Needless to say, I need to make an appointment and find a new counsellor (the one we saw on Wednesday is retiring in four weeks- more bad timing). I was in a really, really, really bad place last night. Appreciate any one's prayers if they can, I just need some more hope and clarity- I'm walking around in a whirl of very bad thoughts.
SIL baby shower tomorrow. I've actually been coping well, I've even made a cake (I might put up a photo when it's finished- it's so cute!). But since AF everything seems just so very hard.
LG
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
A decision we are comfortable with and uncertain next steps
Today we had our first appointment, this was an appointment with the genetic counsellor. We discussed the Genetic testing dilemma, both assuming at the start of the interview that we would be going ahead with it.
In the end, both of us, and the counsellor, came to the conclusion that Genetic testing wasn't the way to go for us. We had explained our position on things, and she commented that the Genetic testing wouldn't even necessarily tell us what we need to know, whether we were unable to produce healthy embryos. Just because one round of IVF produces all or no Genetic abnormalities, does not mean that future ones will or won't. She was great, she was very open to hearing our views, and once she understood our position we felt she was on our side and working out things from our perspective.
So, Genetic testing is off the table. This is both a relief and a bit scary. Scary because it does seem to take us closer to the "there are no answers" scenario. But a relief because we are avoid at least one minefield in this drama!
I also grabbed a brochure, and have been reading up on embryo donation in Australia. It is still a process that I am a little excited about. The counsellor estimated we would be 18 months on a waiting list, maybe less if we were willing to have a non-matched baby (as in, a baby that is not ethnically or physically similar to us). But as she kept reminding me, we are not there yet.
Tomorrow is the nurses interview, where we will tell them our decision and begin the process for a standard IVF cycle. We will try in the mean-time for another meeting with our doctor to discuss if there are any uterus related treatments he can try us on.
Exhausted, happy with the decisions, but exhausted.
LG
In the end, both of us, and the counsellor, came to the conclusion that Genetic testing wasn't the way to go for us. We had explained our position on things, and she commented that the Genetic testing wouldn't even necessarily tell us what we need to know, whether we were unable to produce healthy embryos. Just because one round of IVF produces all or no Genetic abnormalities, does not mean that future ones will or won't. She was great, she was very open to hearing our views, and once she understood our position we felt she was on our side and working out things from our perspective.
So, Genetic testing is off the table. This is both a relief and a bit scary. Scary because it does seem to take us closer to the "there are no answers" scenario. But a relief because we are avoid at least one minefield in this drama!
I also grabbed a brochure, and have been reading up on embryo donation in Australia. It is still a process that I am a little excited about. The counsellor estimated we would be 18 months on a waiting list, maybe less if we were willing to have a non-matched baby (as in, a baby that is not ethnically or physically similar to us). But as she kept reminding me, we are not there yet.
Tomorrow is the nurses interview, where we will tell them our decision and begin the process for a standard IVF cycle. We will try in the mean-time for another meeting with our doctor to discuss if there are any uterus related treatments he can try us on.
Exhausted, happy with the decisions, but exhausted.
LG
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Too much in my head
I sat down to write out my feelings but it's hard to know where to start. There are two very distinct things happening in my head to do with Infertility- and that- compiled with all the thinking that comes with moving and leaving a job has left me a bit shell shocked. I woke up early and I was just snapped wide awake. There were just too many things to think. It's the kind of morning where I would wake up and clean, but we are at my in-laws house so there is no need.
In-laws. That's as good a place to start. I was feeling pretty good about my sister-in-laws pregnancy a little while ago, and alot of the fears, to do with this trip to see family, and Christmas, and all family stuff up until she gives birth- had seemed to disappear somewhat. So I think I was blind-sided by how hard it was seeing my in-law. My Father-in-law asked "Any News" and while I suspect he meant nothing by it- I read it as "Are you pregnant yet?". He talked about painting "The yellow room" which is the room that my nephew will sleep in when he is born (my SIL and BIL will live with my PIL for a while when the baby comes). I felt sick. It is one thing to know that my SIL is having a baby before me, but to see all the excitement that I feel should have been about Thumper is really tough.
I didn't look in the room last night- I did it just this morning. There was a change table. It was nice. I thought- maybe I will be okay. Maybe it was tiredness that was making me crazy.
Then I got on the computer downstairs to write on this blog- and all the "favourite" websites that came up were baby related.
Not just tiredness.
Second IF thing which is really hard is that my body is acting really weird. On Monday I thought AF was coming because I got some spotting. On Wednesday I thought AF was coming because I had some more bleeding. Thursday and today...nothing. Nothing except cramps which are really weird and are actually reminicent of the twinges I had before I misscarried.
I don't actually think that I am pregnant. I have had something like this once before- where I kind of got a fake period, and then the real one came about 5 days later. But I am really struggling with the uncertainty of it and what it might mean. Is there something wrong with me? Is my body not recovering well from IVF. Am I pre-metapausal. And there is always a little fear that maybe I am pregnant but its ectopic- hense the pain and the irregular bleeding.
And the pain is hard. Its not the dull ache of a period but sharp little "ouches". Not enough to have to take anything for it, but just unexpected and annoying.
If I am not pregnant- I just want a normal period.
When will my body behave?
Despite all that, I'm actually going okay. Not perfect, but still so much better than a few weeks ago when I feel apart.
I'm also deciding whether to see my BFF. I would like to see her, but it will be the first time I see her since her news, and I'm not sure i'm up to that. I will be moving close by in less than 3 weeks, so she won't mind. Hard to decide.
Too much in my head!
LG
In-laws. That's as good a place to start. I was feeling pretty good about my sister-in-laws pregnancy a little while ago, and alot of the fears, to do with this trip to see family, and Christmas, and all family stuff up until she gives birth- had seemed to disappear somewhat. So I think I was blind-sided by how hard it was seeing my in-law. My Father-in-law asked "Any News" and while I suspect he meant nothing by it- I read it as "Are you pregnant yet?". He talked about painting "The yellow room" which is the room that my nephew will sleep in when he is born (my SIL and BIL will live with my PIL for a while when the baby comes). I felt sick. It is one thing to know that my SIL is having a baby before me, but to see all the excitement that I feel should have been about Thumper is really tough.
I didn't look in the room last night- I did it just this morning. There was a change table. It was nice. I thought- maybe I will be okay. Maybe it was tiredness that was making me crazy.
Then I got on the computer downstairs to write on this blog- and all the "favourite" websites that came up were baby related.
Not just tiredness.
Second IF thing which is really hard is that my body is acting really weird. On Monday I thought AF was coming because I got some spotting. On Wednesday I thought AF was coming because I had some more bleeding. Thursday and today...nothing. Nothing except cramps which are really weird and are actually reminicent of the twinges I had before I misscarried.
I don't actually think that I am pregnant. I have had something like this once before- where I kind of got a fake period, and then the real one came about 5 days later. But I am really struggling with the uncertainty of it and what it might mean. Is there something wrong with me? Is my body not recovering well from IVF. Am I pre-metapausal. And there is always a little fear that maybe I am pregnant but its ectopic- hense the pain and the irregular bleeding.
And the pain is hard. Its not the dull ache of a period but sharp little "ouches". Not enough to have to take anything for it, but just unexpected and annoying.
If I am not pregnant- I just want a normal period.
When will my body behave?
Despite all that, I'm actually going okay. Not perfect, but still so much better than a few weeks ago when I feel apart.
I'm also deciding whether to see my BFF. I would like to see her, but it will be the first time I see her since her news, and I'm not sure i'm up to that. I will be moving close by in less than 3 weeks, so she won't mind. Hard to decide.
Too much in my head!
LG
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Above water again
Hi Friends,
I was trying to capture the perfect metaphore for the last week, and just the up and down of IVF. This is my attempt.
Infertility is like being stuck at sea, treading water, hoping deperately to get to dry land. IVF is like a rush to the shore. You paddle and paddle with all your might. The beach is in sight and you think you are almost there. For some, it's just a few more stroks and they are there. But for others, a big wave comes, drags you under, and pulls you back out to sea. You gasp out into the salty water, wondering if you can get back for air, thinking "I was so close, I was so close".
I feel like last week I was still under water, and I feel like today I've just pulled myself up and I'm breathing again.
Of course, I'm not silly enough to think that the pain is over and that suddenly I'm going to be okay. But today I've actually been happy. Today I've been able to hold it together. Today I've been able to hope and even get at least a little bit excited about the future. Today I've been able to read blogs of people who are recently pregnant and felt that maybe there miracles might be my miracles soon, instead of feeling like God has once again passed over me to bless others.
Even as I write that last line, a little wave of depression rushes over me. But I fight back to the surface and continue to paddle.
One of the hardest things about IVF is that when you face the disappointment of a BFN or AF- the impatients rises up. While I'm under the waves i think, I don't care if I get pregnant in six months. I don't want to be pregnant in six months. I want to be pregnant now. I want the miracle to have already happened. And Thumper compounds it because I can't help thinking of the might have beens, that the waiting could have been completely over, that we could have him with us right now.
I read of others who are blessed and I want what they have so bad I can hardly breath. Walking home on the day I got my period, I could actually physically feel the emptiness in my chest, as if I really did have a baby shaped hole in my heart.
Today, the idea of having a baby is six months is a happy thought, and I think, okay, maybe I will survive this.
Please keep praying for me. I so desperately want this.
LG
I was trying to capture the perfect metaphore for the last week, and just the up and down of IVF. This is my attempt.
Infertility is like being stuck at sea, treading water, hoping deperately to get to dry land. IVF is like a rush to the shore. You paddle and paddle with all your might. The beach is in sight and you think you are almost there. For some, it's just a few more stroks and they are there. But for others, a big wave comes, drags you under, and pulls you back out to sea. You gasp out into the salty water, wondering if you can get back for air, thinking "I was so close, I was so close".
I feel like last week I was still under water, and I feel like today I've just pulled myself up and I'm breathing again.
Of course, I'm not silly enough to think that the pain is over and that suddenly I'm going to be okay. But today I've actually been happy. Today I've been able to hold it together. Today I've been able to hope and even get at least a little bit excited about the future. Today I've been able to read blogs of people who are recently pregnant and felt that maybe there miracles might be my miracles soon, instead of feeling like God has once again passed over me to bless others.
Even as I write that last line, a little wave of depression rushes over me. But I fight back to the surface and continue to paddle.
One of the hardest things about IVF is that when you face the disappointment of a BFN or AF- the impatients rises up. While I'm under the waves i think, I don't care if I get pregnant in six months. I don't want to be pregnant in six months. I want to be pregnant now. I want the miracle to have already happened. And Thumper compounds it because I can't help thinking of the might have beens, that the waiting could have been completely over, that we could have him with us right now.
I read of others who are blessed and I want what they have so bad I can hardly breath. Walking home on the day I got my period, I could actually physically feel the emptiness in my chest, as if I really did have a baby shaped hole in my heart.
Today, the idea of having a baby is six months is a happy thought, and I think, okay, maybe I will survive this.
Please keep praying for me. I so desperately want this.
LG
Friday, October 28, 2011
Dull and horrid
Hello friends,
Thanks for the love. I'm sorry I doubted you were praying/listening- I was just in a very bad place when I wrote that post. Still not really in a great place, but better than that post.
I think sometimes when a negative pregnancy test seems like such a hard thing you just don't face it, hoping for the best. But now that it's over, yes it is difficult to face Christmas, the day we found out Thumper died, my sister in laws baby everything. But now that I know I need to face it without a baby in my belly- well, I know i will bear it. It will be horrible, but I will survive- because what other choice do I have?
I feel so incredibly lost. One of my dearest friends, who had tried for a baby for many years, when someone commented on the size of her baby, joked that she had brought it on herself, for when she would pray for a baby, she would jokingly ask for a chubby one. I left the conversation in tears. I just couldn't handle it. So many people get their much prayed for baby. No baby could be more prayed for than ours and yet- where is it?
We called this one we lost Mary, after Earl's Nanny who passed away in Febuary.
I feel so dull and horrid.
Thinking back, this day last year they were doing the egg pick-up that resulted in Thumper. I wish I could go back. I miss him so much.
Next steps?
Three months forced off, as I recover from this disaster of a stim cycle, as we move interstate to our home town, and as we find and settle in to a new clinic. Strangely, the idea of a new clinic and a new state gives me some hope- as new methods and new perspective can make a difference. But hope is far from my heart most of the time.
Keep me in your prayers, I am weak and lost.
LG
Thanks for the love. I'm sorry I doubted you were praying/listening- I was just in a very bad place when I wrote that post. Still not really in a great place, but better than that post.
I think sometimes when a negative pregnancy test seems like such a hard thing you just don't face it, hoping for the best. But now that it's over, yes it is difficult to face Christmas, the day we found out Thumper died, my sister in laws baby everything. But now that I know I need to face it without a baby in my belly- well, I know i will bear it. It will be horrible, but I will survive- because what other choice do I have?
I feel so incredibly lost. One of my dearest friends, who had tried for a baby for many years, when someone commented on the size of her baby, joked that she had brought it on herself, for when she would pray for a baby, she would jokingly ask for a chubby one. I left the conversation in tears. I just couldn't handle it. So many people get their much prayed for baby. No baby could be more prayed for than ours and yet- where is it?
We called this one we lost Mary, after Earl's Nanny who passed away in Febuary.
I feel so dull and horrid.
Thinking back, this day last year they were doing the egg pick-up that resulted in Thumper. I wish I could go back. I miss him so much.
Next steps?
Three months forced off, as I recover from this disaster of a stim cycle, as we move interstate to our home town, and as we find and settle in to a new clinic. Strangely, the idea of a new clinic and a new state gives me some hope- as new methods and new perspective can make a difference. But hope is far from my heart most of the time.
Keep me in your prayers, I am weak and lost.
LG
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Hope Dashed
I got my period yesterday.
My world is falling apart.
I don't know if anyone is even really still reading this blog to find out.
Or listening to my prayers.
And so, the worst year of my life remains the worst year of my life.
I really, really thought that I was pregnant.
I am such a fool.
LG
My world is falling apart.
I don't know if anyone is even really still reading this blog to find out.
Or listening to my prayers.
And so, the worst year of my life remains the worst year of my life.
I really, really thought that I was pregnant.
I am such a fool.
LG
Sunday, October 23, 2011
The brighter side of a two week wait
I've been living in a bit of a dream land these last few days.
Blissfully happy. Knowing that there could be a pregnancy going on inside my belly. I think the reason I am so happy now and so miserable usually is because in the past I had heaps of different negative pregnancy experiences rushing through my head but this time all I can think about was this same stage when I was pregnant with Thumper. It was the same time of year, I had the same bloated belly and the same timeline of just waiting to bleed and if I didn't bleed, well, that is a reasonable sign that the blood test would come back good. I also had this unexpected feeling of hope. I've been enjoying the possibility that things are happening as I dream they would- and we would once again have a pregnancy.
It hit me a little bit today that I am moving from the bright to the hard side of the two week wait. Yes, this first week is a time of not knowing and waiting. But it's a time when there is no chance of bleeding. It is a time when there is no bad news that can come. It is just the lovely possibility of good news.
Now I am hitting the week where I could bleed, where the bloating could pass.
But I'm also approaching the time when I could get a BFPs.
LG
Blissfully happy. Knowing that there could be a pregnancy going on inside my belly. I think the reason I am so happy now and so miserable usually is because in the past I had heaps of different negative pregnancy experiences rushing through my head but this time all I can think about was this same stage when I was pregnant with Thumper. It was the same time of year, I had the same bloated belly and the same timeline of just waiting to bleed and if I didn't bleed, well, that is a reasonable sign that the blood test would come back good. I also had this unexpected feeling of hope. I've been enjoying the possibility that things are happening as I dream they would- and we would once again have a pregnancy.
It hit me a little bit today that I am moving from the bright to the hard side of the two week wait. Yes, this first week is a time of not knowing and waiting. But it's a time when there is no chance of bleeding. It is a time when there is no bad news that can come. It is just the lovely possibility of good news.
Now I am hitting the week where I could bleed, where the bloating could pass.
But I'm also approaching the time when I could get a BFPs.
LG
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Transfer day, and then there was one
Transfer has happened. The most amazingly wonderful medical miracle in the world, that they can put a little embryo inside me, and it is the simpliest quickest procedure. It makes me laugh.
I am trying to stay positive, but our second embryo has not continued to grow. They are giving it another day, but its not looking good. So I am positive and sad at the same time
And then there was one.
"It only takes one" said the Accupuncturalist. Yes, for many people it only takes one. But for me it's much more.
Hoping that this one is one that we can keep.
If you are a prayer, please pray especially hard for us.
love LG
I am trying to stay positive, but our second embryo has not continued to grow. They are giving it another day, but its not looking good. So I am positive and sad at the same time
And then there was one.
"It only takes one" said the Accupuncturalist. Yes, for many people it only takes one. But for me it's much more.
Hoping that this one is one that we can keep.
If you are a prayer, please pray especially hard for us.
love LG
Saturday, October 15, 2011
To Thumper, and good news
Two of our little eggs fertilised.
I am so happy.
I know that two fertilisations don't gareentee two little embryos by Wednesday but it is looking good. I am incredibly thankful to God for this answered prayer.
And I am thankful to God for Thumper. Yesterday was Baby Loss Awareness day. And praise God, Yesterday was a good Thumper day. A day where all I felt was love and joy for the little one that I had, and not the terrible achey horribleness.
And on this day too, I want to acknowledge all my little embryos. I know I talk about Thumper alot more than them, but that doesn't mean I don't love them and miss them and think of them.
To all my babies- Mummy loves you and is proud to have given you life, even for such a short while!
Praying so hard for our two new little babies :)
LG
I am so happy.
I know that two fertilisations don't gareentee two little embryos by Wednesday but it is looking good. I am incredibly thankful to God for this answered prayer.
And I am thankful to God for Thumper. Yesterday was Baby Loss Awareness day. And praise God, Yesterday was a good Thumper day. A day where all I felt was love and joy for the little one that I had, and not the terrible achey horribleness.
And on this day too, I want to acknowledge all my little embryos. I know I talk about Thumper alot more than them, but that doesn't mean I don't love them and miss them and think of them.
To all my babies- Mummy loves you and is proud to have given you life, even for such a short while!
Praying so hard for our two new little babies :)
LG
Friday, October 14, 2011
3 eggs
We got three eggs. They are good looking eggs but there are only three of them. So scared this isn't going to work. So scared this is never going to work.
I was very weapy and emotional after my transfer. The nurse told me we would be using crinone because they didn't have any pregnal left. I got really upset, because for all my non-pregnancy fresh cycles we used crinone, but for thumper we used pregnal. I really wanted to use pregnal, even though I know medically it doesn't really make a difference.
One of the nurses searched and found the last bit of pregnel for me, and said we could use that instead. I told her as she handed it to me, "I know this doesn't make any sense". She smiled and said "Yes, it does make sense". She is one of the brisker nurses in the unit- but i love her for that special act of understanding.
I am weapy and emotional and just feeling so weak. I know that we will probably get one embryo at least out of this. But we might not. Tomorrow we call up to find out if any eggs fertilised. I'm so scared of that call.
Now I'm going to have a bath and read a book.
I am going to try for a few hours to not think about infertility.
LG
I was very weapy and emotional after my transfer. The nurse told me we would be using crinone because they didn't have any pregnal left. I got really upset, because for all my non-pregnancy fresh cycles we used crinone, but for thumper we used pregnal. I really wanted to use pregnal, even though I know medically it doesn't really make a difference.
One of the nurses searched and found the last bit of pregnel for me, and said we could use that instead. I told her as she handed it to me, "I know this doesn't make any sense". She smiled and said "Yes, it does make sense". She is one of the brisker nurses in the unit- but i love her for that special act of understanding.
I am weapy and emotional and just feeling so weak. I know that we will probably get one embryo at least out of this. But we might not. Tomorrow we call up to find out if any eggs fertilised. I'm so scared of that call.
Now I'm going to have a bath and read a book.
I am going to try for a few hours to not think about infertility.
LG
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Cycling
This Cycle is getting me down.
Not just in the hormones suck and they are making me down, but as in the actual way things are panning out is upsetting me.
It's silly that they are. I am pretty sure things are going almost exactly like they always do. Eggs growing slowly. Likely pick-up around two weeks after I start FSH.
The thing that is getting me down is that there are alot of follicles- maybe 10 more than in the Thumper cycle- though most of them are too tiny to count. Which is scaring me because if I have any risk of OHS they will cancel the fresh transfer and I will have to wait, probably until next year after we move to do a frozen transfer. And because Thumper was a fresh transfer I feel like fresh is the best chance of having a baby...
All in all, a bit stressful.
I wish I'd recorded better what had happened in previous cycles, so I could compare and not be so overwhelmed with uncertainty.
On Friday night, Earl and I went to a dance. It was brilliant. It was the most fun I've had all year. In the excitement of the music and the movement I was able to forget infertility. I think I need more moments like that.
The following day Earl took me out to a three course brunch :) I think he's aware that this has not been an easy time for me and he wants to be looking after me.
So now, I've decided I'm on Gentle Lady Grey time. I'm not going to work to hard. I'm not going to exercise. I am going to eat healthy, but I am going to rest. I'm going to do nice things and buy nice things and make sure I'm looking after myself.
Stim cycles suck! But if I look out for myself, I will get through it. And if I look after myself, maybe there might be a baby in the mix for me too.
LG
Not just in the hormones suck and they are making me down, but as in the actual way things are panning out is upsetting me.
It's silly that they are. I am pretty sure things are going almost exactly like they always do. Eggs growing slowly. Likely pick-up around two weeks after I start FSH.
The thing that is getting me down is that there are alot of follicles- maybe 10 more than in the Thumper cycle- though most of them are too tiny to count. Which is scaring me because if I have any risk of OHS they will cancel the fresh transfer and I will have to wait, probably until next year after we move to do a frozen transfer. And because Thumper was a fresh transfer I feel like fresh is the best chance of having a baby...
All in all, a bit stressful.
I wish I'd recorded better what had happened in previous cycles, so I could compare and not be so overwhelmed with uncertainty.
On Friday night, Earl and I went to a dance. It was brilliant. It was the most fun I've had all year. In the excitement of the music and the movement I was able to forget infertility. I think I need more moments like that.
The following day Earl took me out to a three course brunch :) I think he's aware that this has not been an easy time for me and he wants to be looking after me.
So now, I've decided I'm on Gentle Lady Grey time. I'm not going to work to hard. I'm not going to exercise. I am going to eat healthy, but I am going to rest. I'm going to do nice things and buy nice things and make sure I'm looking after myself.
Stim cycles suck! But if I look out for myself, I will get through it. And if I look after myself, maybe there might be a baby in the mix for me too.
LG
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Jumbled thoughts of a hormonal hopeful pessamist
My emotions have been playing round and round on themselves these last few days. I haven't exactly been sad, but I haven't been a buddle of joy either. But there has been lots of thinking I'd like to share with you.
I was reflecting today, it might feel like from my blog sometimes that I am always sad all the time. It's just not true. Today I watched some sport with Earl, went to a friends kids birthday party, and did some fun knitting projects. The truth is, I have a pretty lovely life most of the time, with a really, really hard and painful thing in the middle of all the loveliness.
Thursday was an exhausting day. Blood test in the morning, and good news that I could go ahead with the injections then next day, Yay! That evening I had two big conversations. In the first one, someone was asking me about my plans when I move home in terms of work. I gave an answer. Then she very sensitively asked about the kids thing. Not in a butting in way, just in a sensitive way. And I told her "We don't know if we'll ever be able to have kids". Even after I said it, I was a bit shocked. Normally I am alot more positive when I talk about our struggles. I don't ever say 'ever'. But I think it highlighted some of processes my brain has been going through this week.
I had been musing the day before that often my fear of the "never ever" question overwhelms me, and so it almost feels like I need to face it head on.
Basically, the fear of facing life without kids is almost more overwhelming than facing life without kids.
I wanted to start thinking that possibility through, to perhaps ease some of the fear that had been lurking in my mind.
So I guess all my thinking about this lead me to answer in such a pessamistic way. Which was strange and emotional- to be at the place to say that. Not sad. Just strange and emotional.
Second conversation: I was approached by someone I hadn't seen properly for 8 months. She came up to me to apologise. You see, when I had told her about my miscarriage she had responded, "That's so great that you can get pregnant". It was one of those terrible things to say, that at the time didn't upset me, though I was aware that in a different mood I would have been furious and upset. She had obviously been thinking about it and she apologies. Even though she hadn't upset me, I was so pleased that she was aware of how uphelpful she had been, and wouldn't do such a thing again.
But all in all, it was an emotional day.
And the following day I started my FSH injections. And I felt really positive about this cycle, for the first time since it started.
I almost feel like I am hopeful and hopeless at the same time. Hopeful that this cycle could be "the one" but also aware that we might never have children.
Weird.
Crazy hormonal lady- signing out :)
I was reflecting today, it might feel like from my blog sometimes that I am always sad all the time. It's just not true. Today I watched some sport with Earl, went to a friends kids birthday party, and did some fun knitting projects. The truth is, I have a pretty lovely life most of the time, with a really, really hard and painful thing in the middle of all the loveliness.
Thursday was an exhausting day. Blood test in the morning, and good news that I could go ahead with the injections then next day, Yay! That evening I had two big conversations. In the first one, someone was asking me about my plans when I move home in terms of work. I gave an answer. Then she very sensitively asked about the kids thing. Not in a butting in way, just in a sensitive way. And I told her "We don't know if we'll ever be able to have kids". Even after I said it, I was a bit shocked. Normally I am alot more positive when I talk about our struggles. I don't ever say 'ever'. But I think it highlighted some of processes my brain has been going through this week.
I had been musing the day before that often my fear of the "never ever" question overwhelms me, and so it almost feels like I need to face it head on.
Basically, the fear of facing life without kids is almost more overwhelming than facing life without kids.
I wanted to start thinking that possibility through, to perhaps ease some of the fear that had been lurking in my mind.
So I guess all my thinking about this lead me to answer in such a pessamistic way. Which was strange and emotional- to be at the place to say that. Not sad. Just strange and emotional.
Second conversation: I was approached by someone I hadn't seen properly for 8 months. She came up to me to apologise. You see, when I had told her about my miscarriage she had responded, "That's so great that you can get pregnant". It was one of those terrible things to say, that at the time didn't upset me, though I was aware that in a different mood I would have been furious and upset. She had obviously been thinking about it and she apologies. Even though she hadn't upset me, I was so pleased that she was aware of how uphelpful she had been, and wouldn't do such a thing again.
But all in all, it was an emotional day.
And the following day I started my FSH injections. And I felt really positive about this cycle, for the first time since it started.
I almost feel like I am hopeful and hopeless at the same time. Hopeful that this cycle could be "the one" but also aware that we might never have children.
Weird.
Crazy hormonal lady- signing out :)
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Hormones, Day light saving and the one time in my life where a period is good news
I am not a particularly meticulous person in general.
I cleaned my house yesterday. It is stunning, it is clean, it is so lovely it looks like someone else's house. And I think why don't I do this more often? But I know from experience that these kind of cleans are few and far between :)
Not meticulous at all.
Except in the one area where I have to be. IVF.
I sat down a few weeks ago to take my lucrin shot. I decided to make it evening, because I was going to be away on the morning of my first shot and it would be a hassle to bring my fridge bound meds on a driving holiday. I decided to make it evening also because my blood-test for pregnancy was delayed a day, and I didn't want to risk the lucrin messing up my system if I was pregnant. This way the day of the test, I wouldn't be taken the Lucrin until after I had the results.
I decided to make it 9:30pm because it's late enough so it doesn't ruin the evening to head home for it, but it's also early enough so that if I need an early night I can take it.
Meticulous.
But forgetting one thing...
Daylight saving!
Come Sunday I will have to be home at 8:30 every night until trigger. The sacrifices of Infertility ;)
Today was a good and bad day. I had been highly stressed because my period hadn't come in properly yet, and I was concerned that this cycle might be cancelled. It arrived this morning. I came bounding into Earl to tell him, dancing round the room. For once my period was a reason to celebrate. Even when I was on the pill, I was always a little sad when it came, so this was a rare and strange day indeed.
The bad thing was that my blood test results were a little high in oestrogen, so I will have to do another one on Thursday to make sure they are low enough to start the stimulating drugs. I was quite nervous, though the nurse assured me the extra test was precaution and their shouldn't be a problem.
I said to Earl, "I'm not normally this hormonal and emotional during IVF am I".
His answer was "Yes. Always".
I cleaned my house yesterday. It is stunning, it is clean, it is so lovely it looks like someone else's house. And I think why don't I do this more often? But I know from experience that these kind of cleans are few and far between :)
Not meticulous at all.
Except in the one area where I have to be. IVF.
I sat down a few weeks ago to take my lucrin shot. I decided to make it evening, because I was going to be away on the morning of my first shot and it would be a hassle to bring my fridge bound meds on a driving holiday. I decided to make it evening also because my blood-test for pregnancy was delayed a day, and I didn't want to risk the lucrin messing up my system if I was pregnant. This way the day of the test, I wouldn't be taken the Lucrin until after I had the results.
I decided to make it 9:30pm because it's late enough so it doesn't ruin the evening to head home for it, but it's also early enough so that if I need an early night I can take it.
Meticulous.
But forgetting one thing...
Daylight saving!
Come Sunday I will have to be home at 8:30 every night until trigger. The sacrifices of Infertility ;)
Today was a good and bad day. I had been highly stressed because my period hadn't come in properly yet, and I was concerned that this cycle might be cancelled. It arrived this morning. I came bounding into Earl to tell him, dancing round the room. For once my period was a reason to celebrate. Even when I was on the pill, I was always a little sad when it came, so this was a rare and strange day indeed.
The bad thing was that my blood test results were a little high in oestrogen, so I will have to do another one on Thursday to make sure they are low enough to start the stimulating drugs. I was quite nervous, though the nurse assured me the extra test was precaution and their shouldn't be a problem.
I said to Earl, "I'm not normally this hormonal and emotional during IVF am I".
His answer was "Yes. Always".
Monday, August 29, 2011
Strong women
It really hit me today.
Last week I was pregnant.
Last week i was avoiding Caffeine, and meanly leaving all the playgroup lifting and moving to people who weren't pregnant, hoping they weren't thinking I was just being lazy. Last week I was a little bit hopeful and a little bit happy.
This week I'm just my normal barren self again.
And once again I'm reminded I need to remember what I am going through, and give myself a break. When this same thing happened last time it took me months to recover. And this time I had big social and family commitments, as well as the emotional roller-coaster of my sister-in-laws pregnancy to deal with.
I'm so scared of the future. The future to me seems this big black hole of horrible pain. There are so many things I am NOT looking forward to. Most forefront of my mind is the anniversary of Thumpers death. The idea of facing that without a baby in my stomach just makes me shiver and shake.
But despite all this, I am a strong women. I struggle away but I am going through things that are really hard. I am a strong women.
And so are you. So are so many of you my dear readers. You have coped with pregnancies and baby showers and anniversaries and birthdays you dreaded. You have coped with BFNs, AFs and 2ww, and other terrible Infertility acronyms! You have held yourselves together at times and you have fallen apart, but you have been through one of the hardest roads a women has to face, and like me you might even still be on it. But you are doing your best to hope and trust and I admire you so much for that.
Of course, we would all rather have a baby than be strong. But even so, its something we need to celebrate once in a while.
I am a strong women.
And so are you.
love Lady Grey
Last week I was pregnant.
Last week i was avoiding Caffeine, and meanly leaving all the playgroup lifting and moving to people who weren't pregnant, hoping they weren't thinking I was just being lazy. Last week I was a little bit hopeful and a little bit happy.
This week I'm just my normal barren self again.
And once again I'm reminded I need to remember what I am going through, and give myself a break. When this same thing happened last time it took me months to recover. And this time I had big social and family commitments, as well as the emotional roller-coaster of my sister-in-laws pregnancy to deal with.
I'm so scared of the future. The future to me seems this big black hole of horrible pain. There are so many things I am NOT looking forward to. Most forefront of my mind is the anniversary of Thumpers death. The idea of facing that without a baby in my stomach just makes me shiver and shake.
But despite all this, I am a strong women. I struggle away but I am going through things that are really hard. I am a strong women.
And so are you. So are so many of you my dear readers. You have coped with pregnancies and baby showers and anniversaries and birthdays you dreaded. You have coped with BFNs, AFs and 2ww, and other terrible Infertility acronyms! You have held yourselves together at times and you have fallen apart, but you have been through one of the hardest roads a women has to face, and like me you might even still be on it. But you are doing your best to hope and trust and I admire you so much for that.
Of course, we would all rather have a baby than be strong. But even so, its something we need to celebrate once in a while.
I am a strong women.
And so are you.
love Lady Grey
Monday, August 22, 2011
Some more thoughts on the SSP and next steps
I have now had nearly had 24 hours to process my SSP.
IT is still really hard to know how to think.
In many ways, I feel exactly as I did before the beta. There is a chance that I will have a baby, there is a chance we will not. There is no finality or answers. It is just a continuation of the unknown.
But at the same time it is also very different, because of what it might mean.
The weird cramps and the unusual amount of bloating has a reason behind it. And whatever happens, we have another implantation. My evil killer Uterus has done the right thing once again. Is it the accupunction? It is the weight loss? I don't know what caused it but something has worked.
This little one was always a slight increased risk of a biochemical pregnancy, because the "baby" bit of the embryo was quite a bit smaller than I've seen in previous embryos. But maybe there is a baby still there and growing, it just needs to catch up a bit?
I don't know.
Praying like crazy. Have to wait until Thursday for my next beta, to see if it doubles or increases to the rates they expect.
But I'm still bloated and still haven't bleed, which is much more than I can say from the last time this happened.
Really praying this baby makes it,
LG
IT is still really hard to know how to think.
In many ways, I feel exactly as I did before the beta. There is a chance that I will have a baby, there is a chance we will not. There is no finality or answers. It is just a continuation of the unknown.
But at the same time it is also very different, because of what it might mean.
The weird cramps and the unusual amount of bloating has a reason behind it. And whatever happens, we have another implantation. My evil killer Uterus has done the right thing once again. Is it the accupunction? It is the weight loss? I don't know what caused it but something has worked.
This little one was always a slight increased risk of a biochemical pregnancy, because the "baby" bit of the embryo was quite a bit smaller than I've seen in previous embryos. But maybe there is a baby still there and growing, it just needs to catch up a bit?
I don't know.
Praying like crazy. Have to wait until Thursday for my next beta, to see if it doubles or increases to the rates they expect.
But I'm still bloated and still haven't bleed, which is much more than I can say from the last time this happened.
Really praying this baby makes it,
LG
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