Relief

It's strange how your experience of Infertility treatment changes as time goes on.  There was a certain sense, in the first few years, of optimism and excitement.  Of course, I was never one of those people who bought maternity clothes or picked out furniture during the IVF process, but I always had a lovely sense of doing something.

Now the whole process is filled with dread.

It hit me yesterday that now I'm just waiting for AF before we start.  We've hit day 29 today, and I suspect this weekend will be the time for AF to show up.  And once AF comes, I call the clinic and begin my cycle.  I pick up my meds.  I start my u/s.  I begin our very, very last go of a stimulated cycle.  I mentioned it to Earl and we both looked at each other with such a sick, sad expression.  We are not filled with very much hope.

But while I am scared that it is the last one, and that in less than a month my dreams of having genetic children will be dead, there is another feeling.

Relief.

Relief that we are momentarily off the roller coaster.  Relief that we have an alternative plan I am happy with.  Relief that whatever happens, I do not have to do another stimulated cycle.  Relief that at least we did all we can.

Oh, how I would love this to work.  I still dream about it.  My day dreams are all about little twins that look like us.  I don't know if it makes it harder that we have our kids names already picked out.  I see them, all the time in my mind.  I see me calling our kids by their names.  There is a bit of me that thinks we might just be due for an eleventh hour miracle.

But either way, this is over, and I am glad as well as very scared.  What a mess of emotions this process produces!

Earl and I had the loveliest time yesterday.  We took our friends kids to the Museum.  It was such fun.  We watched a 3D movie about volcanoes and the girl sat on my lap, hiding in my shoulder if it got to scary.  It was so precious.  And for once it wasn't about what I didn't have.  It was about what I had.  I hate that I'm not a Mum.  But it's pretty awesome being a favourite Auntie to some of the cutest kids imaginable.

It's strange how life can seem so full and so empty at the same time.

IF- you are a wicked witch!
LG

The numbers game

Today I went in for my second blood-test. The room was packed, I was in there for over an hour waiting, and was very thankful I wasn't having an ultra-sound as well, or I would have been out of there an hour later than I was.

There was a lady there with her two other kids. They were beautiful. The little boy had a buzz-light year toy and so every so often my magazine reading was interrupted by a "To infinity and beyond". I assumed she was there to have her third child, and I was happy for her.

But it got me thinking again.

When Thumper came along, for the first time in years, Earl and I were positive about numbers of kids again. He was the first embryo out of a batch (hate that word!!!!) of 4, so it looked good that we might get more than one kid from this cycle (and we were praying for four). We had always talked about, if we had a kid, but suddenly we were talking about when we had "our kids". Earl and I have never discussed if we would do another stimulated cycle for a second or third child. We would love lots of kids, but at the moment it's hard enough not having one, so we try not to think beyond that.

I still recall doing the sums when we were working out when to start trying. First baby at 27, second at 29, third at 31, fourth at 33, and if we are up for it, fifth at 35. Seems so ridiculous and presumptuous, but at the time, with my Mum's mega-fertile sisters and mother in mind, I thought it was how things would go.

I was wrong.

Even though I would be happy, happy, happy with one. Thrilled with one. Would throw a huge party for one.

My heart longs for kids. Plural.

Lady Grey