I haven’t been a very regular blogger the last few weeks. I’ve been far to social in the real world, which probably isn’t a bad thing! :)
Nephew is cute! Very very cute. I adore him so much already. Everytime I hold him I just keep saying over and over again “He’s so cute, He’s so cute”. I think his parents are getting a bit sick of it ;)
Last night I was at their place and I got to do a feed (expressed milk), burp and nappy change. It was so precious. When I was changing him his arms and legs were just so long and little. And it was the first nappy change where he didn’t cry once, which shows he is already a big fan of Aunty Grey!
There were two tough moments. The first was when I was holding him and I thought about our upcoming cycle and Thumper. I looked down at his precious face and I said to my ovaries and uterus See, this is what we are fighting for, don’t let me down! I also prayed with tears in my eyes, “Please God, let me have a little one of my own to hold”. Most people have a stage where they just naturally attach to Children. Earl gets on famously with the 2-4 year olds. Me, I love all ages (and 2-4 is pretty awesome) but there is something about newborns that melts my heart. It’s been so long since I’ve spent time with such a new-newborn and it is creating such an ache in my heart.
Second hard moment was at dinner when Earl’s Dad did a little speech welcoming Nephew to the family. I am so glad that Nephew is here, but it still feels weird and wrong that we didn’t have the first Grandchild coming home.
But I probably should update you on what’s happening with my cycle.
Day 1 was Saturday. I began my injections yesterday. I feel like I am already bloated, though that is probably my imagination. My first scan is on Friday, when they will decide when I should take my antagonist medication, and whether I will have future scans or a trigger. I am working on the assumption I won’t be ready straight away, it’s always taken me about 5 days after my first scan before my ovaries are ready to go.
The timing is pretty sucky! Earl has an interstate graduation on Monday night. I can’t even book my flights until Friday, because I don’t know if I will have a scan on Monday or Tuesday morning. And there is also the slight possibility I might have the egg pick up on Tuesday, which means that we might be flying back home at 6am on the morning of the pick-up! But I’m guessing that earlier timing is unlikely. It’s so silly, the one big event we have on this month, and it falls smack bang in the middle of the cycle!
But if we get our BFP, I won't care in the slightest.
LG
Monday, March 12, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Nephew is Here
Great News!
Nephew has arrived. I really wanted to write here and say thank you because in that crazy five days where we thought he had Spina Bifida, many of you were praying for him. I am so thankful for your prayers, and so thankful to know that my precious nephew is here and well!
I am so very, very thankful for this Community.
Love Aunty Grey :)
Nephew has arrived. I really wanted to write here and say thank you because in that crazy five days where we thought he had Spina Bifida, many of you were praying for him. I am so thankful for your prayers, and so thankful to know that my precious nephew is here and well!
I am so very, very thankful for this Community.
Love Aunty Grey :)
Getting through the dark times
Last night was a dark time.
When I add up all the bits that made me upset, they seem trivial, but it was all real to me. We had invited friends round for dinner, but we are now going to our friends house for dinner, because they have a 1 year old who needs to sleep in his own bed. We love having people round for dinner, and we never do, because all our friends have children. We were both so very disappointed, and it seems to just be one other stark reminder of our childless state.
Earl and I had a little fight about house cleaning. I have been on tender hooks all week, angry and snappy at nothing. I felt terrible about how I acted, and the guilt and the fight were part of it.
SIL went into hospital last night. I can't tell you how excited and happy I have been in the lead up to meeting my nephew. All the jealousy and pain was gone. Until last night. With everything else it was too hard.
But what made it dark wasn't any of those things. It was infertility. I am so very, very afraid. Afraid that this is not going to work. That I can never have kids. I am so afraid of that world. There has actually been alot of press in Australia this week about adoption, about women who were pressured in the 60s and 70s to give up their children. Statistics suggesting that kids who are adopted have terrible lives. I don't believe that is the case, I really don't believe that a child brought up by Earl and I, and with our lovely families, could have a terrible life. But I'm so emotionally raw when it comes to the idea of adoption (because it will be such a long, hard, emotional ride to do it) that now that just seems like such a hard road that I don't know if I'm up to
But I can't see a life without kids in it. I can't. It is too hard. I am so scared of it.
This morning things are better. It is a beautiful day, I am well rested, and my nephew (who I am once again ecstatic about) is likely to be born around mid-day. I secretly relieved I don't have to have the house completely tidy by Friday night. And with the tiredness gone I am reminded of how precious Earl is and how many silly fights he has continued to love me through.
In the dark times, I have to remember that the good times always out way the bad. In the night I have to remember that the morning is on the way!
But it's hard. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can keep myself going through the really hard times?
Two things made me smile last night.
Thumper's Ultra-sound picture. He is the small, tiny piece of evidence that maybe IVF can work for us. I hold on to him.
The other thing was a conversation that Earl and I had a few weeks ago.
Earl and I have just joined a choir. He is a bass, and for the first practice I was a first Soprano. Someone came up to me and said "You better be happy to have a baby, because everyone who joins us a first Soprano seems to have kids very soon afterwards. Your happy to have a baby aren't you?
I was shell shocked, I don't even remember what I said, it was just a classic case of silly insensitiveness.
Earl was horrified when I told him.
But suddenly we both started to laugh.
"We've discovered it, we've discovered the cure for my infertility" I said in mock excitement, "We tried IVF, Clomid, accupuncture. But all we needed to do was to get me to sing First Soprano in this choir! Problem solved".
We laughed and laughed and laughed. It wasn't really all that funny. But it was a poignant moment of Earl and I trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Of learning to laugh. Of making our own light in this dark road that we are on.
LG
When I add up all the bits that made me upset, they seem trivial, but it was all real to me. We had invited friends round for dinner, but we are now going to our friends house for dinner, because they have a 1 year old who needs to sleep in his own bed. We love having people round for dinner, and we never do, because all our friends have children. We were both so very disappointed, and it seems to just be one other stark reminder of our childless state.
Earl and I had a little fight about house cleaning. I have been on tender hooks all week, angry and snappy at nothing. I felt terrible about how I acted, and the guilt and the fight were part of it.
SIL went into hospital last night. I can't tell you how excited and happy I have been in the lead up to meeting my nephew. All the jealousy and pain was gone. Until last night. With everything else it was too hard.
But what made it dark wasn't any of those things. It was infertility. I am so very, very afraid. Afraid that this is not going to work. That I can never have kids. I am so afraid of that world. There has actually been alot of press in Australia this week about adoption, about women who were pressured in the 60s and 70s to give up their children. Statistics suggesting that kids who are adopted have terrible lives. I don't believe that is the case, I really don't believe that a child brought up by Earl and I, and with our lovely families, could have a terrible life. But I'm so emotionally raw when it comes to the idea of adoption (because it will be such a long, hard, emotional ride to do it) that now that just seems like such a hard road that I don't know if I'm up to
But I can't see a life without kids in it. I can't. It is too hard. I am so scared of it.
This morning things are better. It is a beautiful day, I am well rested, and my nephew (who I am once again ecstatic about) is likely to be born around mid-day. I secretly relieved I don't have to have the house completely tidy by Friday night. And with the tiredness gone I am reminded of how precious Earl is and how many silly fights he has continued to love me through.
In the dark times, I have to remember that the good times always out way the bad. In the night I have to remember that the morning is on the way!
But it's hard. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can keep myself going through the really hard times?
Two things made me smile last night.
Thumper's Ultra-sound picture. He is the small, tiny piece of evidence that maybe IVF can work for us. I hold on to him.
The other thing was a conversation that Earl and I had a few weeks ago.
Earl and I have just joined a choir. He is a bass, and for the first practice I was a first Soprano. Someone came up to me and said "You better be happy to have a baby, because everyone who joins us a first Soprano seems to have kids very soon afterwards. Your happy to have a baby aren't you?
I was shell shocked, I don't even remember what I said, it was just a classic case of silly insensitiveness.
Earl was horrified when I told him.
But suddenly we both started to laugh.
"We've discovered it, we've discovered the cure for my infertility" I said in mock excitement, "We tried IVF, Clomid, accupuncture. But all we needed to do was to get me to sing First Soprano in this choir! Problem solved".
We laughed and laughed and laughed. It wasn't really all that funny. But it was a poignant moment of Earl and I trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Of learning to laugh. Of making our own light in this dark road that we are on.
LG
Thursday, March 1, 2012
False hope, the internet and how to think
I am really struggling to know how to think about the cycle ahead.
Two months ago, I was faced with one of the hardest doctors appointments I ever had to faced. I was listening to someone telling me that maybe this wasn't going to be in my future.
Now, two months on, that same doctor is giving this a real, red hot go. And I don't know how to think about things.
I said to Earl last night "I am ridiculously optimistic about our chances of getting pregnant next month. Is that stupid". Earl looked at me, paused, nodded, shrugged and said "Probably". I knew exactly what he means. We still aren't super likely to have a baby. But what can you do, hope is something that just is.
Now that we are not looking into genetic testing, I guess my big question is about my uterus. Is it no good. Is there something about it that isn't working that can be changed? In many ways I feel like nothing can be that bad, because Thumper managed to make it to 9 weeks didn't he. But is there something that means that my medically good looking embabies don't make it very far? That's why my doc did an endemetrium biopsy. I will get the results as I'm starting my stimulation scans.
And then I read something on the Internet about how people who have endemetrium biopsy are twice as likely on their next cycle to get pregnant.
More hope.
More, strange, stupid hope. Oh Internet, you mess with us IFers so much!
How should I think? Should I be positive? Is positive realistic?
I don't know.
LG
PS Thanks friends for your suggestions about what to eat/do this cycle, really appreciate it. Lees J- I don't think American DVDs do work in Australia unfortunately, which is ashame because Infertility Yoga sounds intriging!
Two months ago, I was faced with one of the hardest doctors appointments I ever had to faced. I was listening to someone telling me that maybe this wasn't going to be in my future.
Now, two months on, that same doctor is giving this a real, red hot go. And I don't know how to think about things.
I said to Earl last night "I am ridiculously optimistic about our chances of getting pregnant next month. Is that stupid". Earl looked at me, paused, nodded, shrugged and said "Probably". I knew exactly what he means. We still aren't super likely to have a baby. But what can you do, hope is something that just is.
Now that we are not looking into genetic testing, I guess my big question is about my uterus. Is it no good. Is there something about it that isn't working that can be changed? In many ways I feel like nothing can be that bad, because Thumper managed to make it to 9 weeks didn't he. But is there something that means that my medically good looking embabies don't make it very far? That's why my doc did an endemetrium biopsy. I will get the results as I'm starting my stimulation scans.
And then I read something on the Internet about how people who have endemetrium biopsy are twice as likely on their next cycle to get pregnant.
More hope.
More, strange, stupid hope. Oh Internet, you mess with us IFers so much!
How should I think? Should I be positive? Is positive realistic?
I don't know.
LG
PS Thanks friends for your suggestions about what to eat/do this cycle, really appreciate it. Lees J- I don't think American DVDs do work in Australia unfortunately, which is ashame because Infertility Yoga sounds intriging!
Monday, February 27, 2012
The Lull before the Cycle
Tomorrow is the date in my diary for my endemetrium Biopsy. The POAS (which over time does get progressively less gross it turns out) suggested that I ovulated on Saturday/Sunday (I'm still getting my head around things, whether the surge happens after or before ovulation?)
So once the little procedure is done tomorrow, it's time to wait.
It's kind of nice.
On Friday a week ago I had a diabetes test. They are annual things, but every year I get a little worried that it's not going to give me the news I want. Not to mention that it seems like a crime to me that anyone has to drink that disgusting sugar water without the thought of a baby to get them through!
But so far no diabetes.
And I am re inspired for a healthy life.
And it got me thinking?
Is there anything I can be doing in this lull period to get me as healthy as possible for IVF. I mean I know that if I google foods for conception I will find multiple weird sights out there that have various theories about how beans, or corn, or egg, or pine nuts, or whatever will work. But has anyone heard any studies that suggest a certain type of eating or exercise or behaviour will help?
I like the idea of having a purpose for these weeks.
Thoughts?
LG
So once the little procedure is done tomorrow, it's time to wait.
It's kind of nice.
On Friday a week ago I had a diabetes test. They are annual things, but every year I get a little worried that it's not going to give me the news I want. Not to mention that it seems like a crime to me that anyone has to drink that disgusting sugar water without the thought of a baby to get them through!
But so far no diabetes.
And I am re inspired for a healthy life.
And it got me thinking?
Is there anything I can be doing in this lull period to get me as healthy as possible for IVF. I mean I know that if I google foods for conception I will find multiple weird sights out there that have various theories about how beans, or corn, or egg, or pine nuts, or whatever will work. But has anyone heard any studies that suggest a certain type of eating or exercise or behaviour will help?
I like the idea of having a purpose for these weeks.
Thoughts?
LG
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Just a happy day
Sometime I wish for just a happy day. A day that is completely free from IF misery.
I had been really looking forward to yesterday. And it was a great day in many ways. But it wasn't just a happy day.
Had a great coffee with BFF. It was lovely to be able to go back to our normal friendship after the semi-fight of last time. I had been really worried, worried that she was annoyed at me, worrying that she responded to my text late because she didn't want to see me. Not at all. We had a lovely catch up.
And that night I had round Earl's siblings and their partners. I saw it as a kind of an end of an era celebration, because when SIL has her baby (due in less than a week) then everything will change. No one else gets it. When I mentioned it SIL got offended and said "Yes, we'll still do games nights all the time, he can just sit in the corner". I don't think anyone in my family (except my MIL) really gets that babies change your life!
I decided to play the dixi chicks.
I hadn't put on a dixi chicks album for years.
There is a dixi chicks song called "Lullaby", and it is one of the most beautiful, tear jerking songs I know. It's a mother singing to their child.
The Chorus goes like this:
How Long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
coz I'm never ever giving you up
It began to play in the backgroud, and my heart aches. The last time I had heard it I had imagined singing it to my kids. That was before IF, before I knew that there may not be any kids to sing it to.
So it wasn't just a happy day :(
LG
I had been really looking forward to yesterday. And it was a great day in many ways. But it wasn't just a happy day.
Had a great coffee with BFF. It was lovely to be able to go back to our normal friendship after the semi-fight of last time. I had been really worried, worried that she was annoyed at me, worrying that she responded to my text late because she didn't want to see me. Not at all. We had a lovely catch up.
And that night I had round Earl's siblings and their partners. I saw it as a kind of an end of an era celebration, because when SIL has her baby (due in less than a week) then everything will change. No one else gets it. When I mentioned it SIL got offended and said "Yes, we'll still do games nights all the time, he can just sit in the corner". I don't think anyone in my family (except my MIL) really gets that babies change your life!
I decided to play the dixi chicks.
I hadn't put on a dixi chicks album for years.
There is a dixi chicks song called "Lullaby", and it is one of the most beautiful, tear jerking songs I know. It's a mother singing to their child.
The Chorus goes like this:
How Long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
coz I'm never ever giving you up
It began to play in the backgroud, and my heart aches. The last time I had heard it I had imagined singing it to my kids. That was before IF, before I knew that there may not be any kids to sing it to.
So it wasn't just a happy day :(
LG
Monday, February 20, 2012
Names
Last night we went round to my in-laws for our now almost weekly sibling dinner. It was lovely.
We talked about names for my nephew.
I grabbed the baby book, and started leafing through. I had a fair idea of what kind of names my sister-in-law and her husband like, and so I read out various names and they gave me their opinion.
Earl was sitting on the coach. It's his default position after dinner. I sit on the table, my uncomfortably pregnant sister in law is sprawled on another coach with her husband squeezed into the corner. My BIL and his wife are at the table, opposite me. Earl sits on the coach and yells out silly suggestions like "Dragon". He plays the role of the comic relief in his family.
We start making fun of BIL, because he is the youngest child and the only one in the family who gets rilled up by such things. We tease him about naming his kids after things he likes (like "Panda", and "Juice"), and he keeps saying "Don't be silly", and that makes us laugh some more. My brother in laws wife (lets call her Mrs A), and I go through all the names that we like that we know our husbands don't and offer them to SIL.
I say that I really want to give the the idea of my nephews name so I can take the credit. But the truth is I just don't want them taking any of our names.
Earl and I have four names picked out, two girls names and two boys names. Plus middle names. We love them, and we talk about how much we love them all the time. Theoretically I know that someone might take them, but if I have the power to stop it I will. And now my SIL and her husband have a list of around 8 names that they really like that are not OUR names. And I feel a bit relieved.
Earl's Mum comments on how funny all Earl's suggestions are. I said "You wouldn't think they were funny if the one who suggested it had some say in the naming of your kids". Everybody laughed, Earl's Mum the loudest, I think because she loves it when we talk like we will definitely have kids. She can't handle any suggestion that things won't work out for her kids.
And then I went home, and in the middle of a TV show I burst into tears. Earl was very confused. But at things like that, when we are all together, and joking about the names we might give our kids, I forget.
Then I come home and remember. I might not get to name two girls and two boys.
I might not get to name any.
LG
We talked about names for my nephew.
I grabbed the baby book, and started leafing through. I had a fair idea of what kind of names my sister-in-law and her husband like, and so I read out various names and they gave me their opinion.
Earl was sitting on the coach. It's his default position after dinner. I sit on the table, my uncomfortably pregnant sister in law is sprawled on another coach with her husband squeezed into the corner. My BIL and his wife are at the table, opposite me. Earl sits on the coach and yells out silly suggestions like "Dragon". He plays the role of the comic relief in his family.
We start making fun of BIL, because he is the youngest child and the only one in the family who gets rilled up by such things. We tease him about naming his kids after things he likes (like "Panda", and "Juice"), and he keeps saying "Don't be silly", and that makes us laugh some more. My brother in laws wife (lets call her Mrs A), and I go through all the names that we like that we know our husbands don't and offer them to SIL.
I say that I really want to give the the idea of my nephews name so I can take the credit. But the truth is I just don't want them taking any of our names.
Earl and I have four names picked out, two girls names and two boys names. Plus middle names. We love them, and we talk about how much we love them all the time. Theoretically I know that someone might take them, but if I have the power to stop it I will. And now my SIL and her husband have a list of around 8 names that they really like that are not OUR names. And I feel a bit relieved.
Earl's Mum comments on how funny all Earl's suggestions are. I said "You wouldn't think they were funny if the one who suggested it had some say in the naming of your kids". Everybody laughed, Earl's Mum the loudest, I think because she loves it when we talk like we will definitely have kids. She can't handle any suggestion that things won't work out for her kids.
And then I went home, and in the middle of a TV show I burst into tears. Earl was very confused. But at things like that, when we are all together, and joking about the names we might give our kids, I forget.
Then I come home and remember. I might not get to name two girls and two boys.
I might not get to name any.
LG
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)