Last night was a dark time.
When I add up all the bits that made me upset, they seem trivial, but it was all real to me. We had invited friends round for dinner, but we are now going to our friends house for dinner, because they have a 1 year old who needs to sleep in his own bed. We love having people round for dinner, and we never do, because all our friends have children. We were both so very disappointed, and it seems to just be one other stark reminder of our childless state.
Earl and I had a little fight about house cleaning. I have been on tender hooks all week, angry and snappy at nothing. I felt terrible about how I acted, and the guilt and the fight were part of it.
SIL went into hospital last night. I can't tell you how excited and happy I have been in the lead up to meeting my nephew. All the jealousy and pain was gone. Until last night. With everything else it was too hard.
But what made it dark wasn't any of those things. It was infertility. I am so very, very afraid. Afraid that this is not going to work. That I can never have kids. I am so afraid of that world. There has actually been alot of press in Australia this week about adoption, about women who were pressured in the 60s and 70s to give up their children. Statistics suggesting that kids who are adopted have terrible lives. I don't believe that is the case, I really don't believe that a child brought up by Earl and I, and with our lovely families, could have a terrible life. But I'm so emotionally raw when it comes to the idea of adoption (because it will be such a long, hard, emotional ride to do it) that now that just seems like such a hard road that I don't know if I'm up to
But I can't see a life without kids in it. I can't. It is too hard. I am so scared of it.
This morning things are better. It is a beautiful day, I am well rested, and my nephew (who I am once again ecstatic about) is likely to be born around mid-day. I secretly relieved I don't have to have the house completely tidy by Friday night. And with the tiredness gone I am reminded of how precious Earl is and how many silly fights he has continued to love me through.
In the dark times, I have to remember that the good times always out way the bad. In the night I have to remember that the morning is on the way!
But it's hard. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can keep myself going through the really hard times?
Two things made me smile last night.
Thumper's Ultra-sound picture. He is the small, tiny piece of evidence that maybe IVF can work for us. I hold on to him.
The other thing was a conversation that Earl and I had a few weeks ago.
Earl and I have just joined a choir. He is a bass, and for the first practice I was a first Soprano. Someone came up to me and said "You better be happy to have a baby, because everyone who joins us a first Soprano seems to have kids very soon afterwards. Your happy to have a baby aren't you?
I was shell shocked, I don't even remember what I said, it was just a classic case of silly insensitiveness.
Earl was horrified when I told him.
But suddenly we both started to laugh.
"We've discovered it, we've discovered the cure for my infertility" I said in mock excitement, "We tried IVF, Clomid, accupuncture. But all we needed to do was to get me to sing First Soprano in this choir! Problem solved".
We laughed and laughed and laughed. It wasn't really all that funny. But it was a poignant moment of Earl and I trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Of learning to laugh. Of making our own light in this dark road that we are on.
LG
Showing posts with label hopeless. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hopeless. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Starving to death
Had a couple of really bad days. Yes, I am okay with adopting if thats where things are going. II will be a Mum to whoever will take me. What I cannot face is the 5-10 years it takes in Australia to adopt.
just before Christmas my youngest sister-in-law mentioned she really wants to buy and be settled in a house by the end of next year. Then she gave a coy little smile that shattered me. My very little BIL and SIL are going to try this year and the idea is killing me.
It is hard enough with my first SIL and her massive beautiful heart-breaking belly, another one, I can't even think about it.
I feel like I'm starving to death-watching those around me eat a 6course feast
And they are complaining there is not enough salt.
:'(
LG
just before Christmas my youngest sister-in-law mentioned she really wants to buy and be settled in a house by the end of next year. Then she gave a coy little smile that shattered me. My very little BIL and SIL are going to try this year and the idea is killing me.
It is hard enough with my first SIL and her massive beautiful heart-breaking belly, another one, I can't even think about it.
I feel like I'm starving to death-watching those around me eat a 6course feast
And they are complaining there is not enough salt.
:'(
LG
Friday, October 28, 2011
Dull and horrid
Hello friends,
Thanks for the love. I'm sorry I doubted you were praying/listening- I was just in a very bad place when I wrote that post. Still not really in a great place, but better than that post.
I think sometimes when a negative pregnancy test seems like such a hard thing you just don't face it, hoping for the best. But now that it's over, yes it is difficult to face Christmas, the day we found out Thumper died, my sister in laws baby everything. But now that I know I need to face it without a baby in my belly- well, I know i will bear it. It will be horrible, but I will survive- because what other choice do I have?
I feel so incredibly lost. One of my dearest friends, who had tried for a baby for many years, when someone commented on the size of her baby, joked that she had brought it on herself, for when she would pray for a baby, she would jokingly ask for a chubby one. I left the conversation in tears. I just couldn't handle it. So many people get their much prayed for baby. No baby could be more prayed for than ours and yet- where is it?
We called this one we lost Mary, after Earl's Nanny who passed away in Febuary.
I feel so dull and horrid.
Thinking back, this day last year they were doing the egg pick-up that resulted in Thumper. I wish I could go back. I miss him so much.
Next steps?
Three months forced off, as I recover from this disaster of a stim cycle, as we move interstate to our home town, and as we find and settle in to a new clinic. Strangely, the idea of a new clinic and a new state gives me some hope- as new methods and new perspective can make a difference. But hope is far from my heart most of the time.
Keep me in your prayers, I am weak and lost.
LG
Thanks for the love. I'm sorry I doubted you were praying/listening- I was just in a very bad place when I wrote that post. Still not really in a great place, but better than that post.
I think sometimes when a negative pregnancy test seems like such a hard thing you just don't face it, hoping for the best. But now that it's over, yes it is difficult to face Christmas, the day we found out Thumper died, my sister in laws baby everything. But now that I know I need to face it without a baby in my belly- well, I know i will bear it. It will be horrible, but I will survive- because what other choice do I have?
I feel so incredibly lost. One of my dearest friends, who had tried for a baby for many years, when someone commented on the size of her baby, joked that she had brought it on herself, for when she would pray for a baby, she would jokingly ask for a chubby one. I left the conversation in tears. I just couldn't handle it. So many people get their much prayed for baby. No baby could be more prayed for than ours and yet- where is it?
We called this one we lost Mary, after Earl's Nanny who passed away in Febuary.
I feel so dull and horrid.
Thinking back, this day last year they were doing the egg pick-up that resulted in Thumper. I wish I could go back. I miss him so much.
Next steps?
Three months forced off, as I recover from this disaster of a stim cycle, as we move interstate to our home town, and as we find and settle in to a new clinic. Strangely, the idea of a new clinic and a new state gives me some hope- as new methods and new perspective can make a difference. But hope is far from my heart most of the time.
Keep me in your prayers, I am weak and lost.
LG
Monday, August 29, 2011
Strong women
It really hit me today.
Last week I was pregnant.
Last week i was avoiding Caffeine, and meanly leaving all the playgroup lifting and moving to people who weren't pregnant, hoping they weren't thinking I was just being lazy. Last week I was a little bit hopeful and a little bit happy.
This week I'm just my normal barren self again.
And once again I'm reminded I need to remember what I am going through, and give myself a break. When this same thing happened last time it took me months to recover. And this time I had big social and family commitments, as well as the emotional roller-coaster of my sister-in-laws pregnancy to deal with.
I'm so scared of the future. The future to me seems this big black hole of horrible pain. There are so many things I am NOT looking forward to. Most forefront of my mind is the anniversary of Thumpers death. The idea of facing that without a baby in my stomach just makes me shiver and shake.
But despite all this, I am a strong women. I struggle away but I am going through things that are really hard. I am a strong women.
And so are you. So are so many of you my dear readers. You have coped with pregnancies and baby showers and anniversaries and birthdays you dreaded. You have coped with BFNs, AFs and 2ww, and other terrible Infertility acronyms! You have held yourselves together at times and you have fallen apart, but you have been through one of the hardest roads a women has to face, and like me you might even still be on it. But you are doing your best to hope and trust and I admire you so much for that.
Of course, we would all rather have a baby than be strong. But even so, its something we need to celebrate once in a while.
I am a strong women.
And so are you.
love Lady Grey
Last week I was pregnant.
Last week i was avoiding Caffeine, and meanly leaving all the playgroup lifting and moving to people who weren't pregnant, hoping they weren't thinking I was just being lazy. Last week I was a little bit hopeful and a little bit happy.
This week I'm just my normal barren self again.
And once again I'm reminded I need to remember what I am going through, and give myself a break. When this same thing happened last time it took me months to recover. And this time I had big social and family commitments, as well as the emotional roller-coaster of my sister-in-laws pregnancy to deal with.
I'm so scared of the future. The future to me seems this big black hole of horrible pain. There are so many things I am NOT looking forward to. Most forefront of my mind is the anniversary of Thumpers death. The idea of facing that without a baby in my stomach just makes me shiver and shake.
But despite all this, I am a strong women. I struggle away but I am going through things that are really hard. I am a strong women.
And so are you. So are so many of you my dear readers. You have coped with pregnancies and baby showers and anniversaries and birthdays you dreaded. You have coped with BFNs, AFs and 2ww, and other terrible Infertility acronyms! You have held yourselves together at times and you have fallen apart, but you have been through one of the hardest roads a women has to face, and like me you might even still be on it. But you are doing your best to hope and trust and I admire you so much for that.
Of course, we would all rather have a baby than be strong. But even so, its something we need to celebrate once in a while.
I am a strong women.
And so are you.
love Lady Grey
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Waiting for the inevitable no
A little more bleeding. I have no hope for this test.
Did a fair bit of mourning last night- I didn't get to sleep until after 12, despite going to bed at 10. Thinking through, asking questions, wondering why.
At evening church we had a talk on Ecclesiastes 3- which is all about there being a time for everything. I cried through the talk (as subtly as I could in the front row), before needing to leave near the end. These verses grieve us because when Thumper came we asked "Is our time of morning over?". But it wasn't, it was only just beginning. The chapter says that God will make everything beautiful in his time. When?
This morning as I went in for my blood test I told the nurse about the bleeding. "It's not fair" she said "It's your turn!". That's how i feel. It is my time to have a pregnancy that lasts. I am so, so, so confident that I will have a child at some stage- (I don't really have any good evidence for it except for Thumper's conception). But why can't it be this one :'(
This morning I lay in Earl's arms, so very thankful for his touch and warmth and kindness and love. We are so sad, so grieved. But we are together.
I am still taking my medication of course. There is always the tiny chance of a positive beta, and besides, I feel like these are the last acts I can do on this earth for my precious little one, to take medication, to acknowledge how important this embie is, how much I wish that I could hold and feed and love and teach. But all I can do now is take medication. And praying for an unlikely miracle.
Earl said yesterday, reflecting on Thumper "We were going to have a baby. And then we weren't. It is so wrong".
4 hours until beta results.
Pray for us.
LG
Did a fair bit of mourning last night- I didn't get to sleep until after 12, despite going to bed at 10. Thinking through, asking questions, wondering why.
At evening church we had a talk on Ecclesiastes 3- which is all about there being a time for everything. I cried through the talk (as subtly as I could in the front row), before needing to leave near the end. These verses grieve us because when Thumper came we asked "Is our time of morning over?". But it wasn't, it was only just beginning. The chapter says that God will make everything beautiful in his time. When?
This morning as I went in for my blood test I told the nurse about the bleeding. "It's not fair" she said "It's your turn!". That's how i feel. It is my time to have a pregnancy that lasts. I am so, so, so confident that I will have a child at some stage- (I don't really have any good evidence for it except for Thumper's conception). But why can't it be this one :'(
This morning I lay in Earl's arms, so very thankful for his touch and warmth and kindness and love. We are so sad, so grieved. But we are together.
I am still taking my medication of course. There is always the tiny chance of a positive beta, and besides, I feel like these are the last acts I can do on this earth for my precious little one, to take medication, to acknowledge how important this embie is, how much I wish that I could hold and feed and love and teach. But all I can do now is take medication. And praying for an unlikely miracle.
Earl said yesterday, reflecting on Thumper "We were going to have a baby. And then we weren't. It is so wrong".
4 hours until beta results.
Pray for us.
LG
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Not my world
Sometimes I think the Internet is not good for me.
Today I opened a blog post of a friend celebrating a year since since found out she was pregnant with her second child.
It was a lesson in what life is like in the world of the fertile. So different from my world.
She isn't sure if she's pregnant and decides to pee on a stick.
Not my world
She wasn't trying to get pregnant and isn't sure how she feels about it.
Not my world
She finds out that she is and is excited.
Well, it was my world once but even then there was a fear that just doesn't seem to fit into the "normal" experience. And in the end the fear was justified :'(
She is worried about telling her friend who is also trying for her second, but finds out they are both conveniently pregnant, found out at the same time, and are now expecting their kids at the same time.
In my world i watch my friends move onto their second 'successful' (sorry, bad word I know)pregnancies, and babies births. And nothing works out conveniently for me.
She now writes excitedly as she looks at her baby beside her.
Not my world.
I HATE MY WORLD!!!!!!!!!
:''(
LG
Today I opened a blog post of a friend celebrating a year since since found out she was pregnant with her second child.
It was a lesson in what life is like in the world of the fertile. So different from my world.
She isn't sure if she's pregnant and decides to pee on a stick.
Not my world
She wasn't trying to get pregnant and isn't sure how she feels about it.
Not my world
She finds out that she is and is excited.
Well, it was my world once but even then there was a fear that just doesn't seem to fit into the "normal" experience. And in the end the fear was justified :'(
She is worried about telling her friend who is also trying for her second, but finds out they are both conveniently pregnant, found out at the same time, and are now expecting their kids at the same time.
In my world i watch my friends move onto their second 'successful' (sorry, bad word I know)pregnancies, and babies births. And nothing works out conveniently for me.
She now writes excitedly as she looks at her baby beside her.
Not my world.
I HATE MY WORLD!!!!!!!!!
:''(
LG
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The hardest thing
Children are not a right. I know that.
A friend asked me today, over a cuppa and lots of tears- what were the things that I found hard about Infertilty.
There are so many things
I want a baby.
I work so hard to get pregnant and nothing.
I pray and nothing happens.
I want a big family and now I might not have one at all.
It just seems so unfair.
I know that children are not a right.
But I can't get it out of my head.
I should have a two year old by now.
And I have nothing.
LG
A friend asked me today, over a cuppa and lots of tears- what were the things that I found hard about Infertilty.
There are so many things
I want a baby.
I work so hard to get pregnant and nothing.
I pray and nothing happens.
I want a big family and now I might not have one at all.
It just seems so unfair.
I know that children are not a right.
But I can't get it out of my head.
I should have a two year old by now.
And I have nothing.
LG
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