Getting through the dark times

Last night was a dark time.

When I add up all the bits that made me upset, they seem trivial, but it was all real to me. We had invited friends round for dinner, but we are now going to our friends house for dinner, because they have a 1 year old who needs to sleep in his own bed. We love having people round for dinner, and we never do, because all our friends have children. We were both so very disappointed, and it seems to just be one other stark reminder of our childless state.

Earl and I had a little fight about house cleaning. I have been on tender hooks all week, angry and snappy at nothing. I felt terrible about how I acted, and the guilt and the fight were part of it.

SIL went into hospital last night. I can't tell you how excited and happy I have been in the lead up to meeting my nephew. All the jealousy and pain was gone. Until last night. With everything else it was too hard.

But what made it dark wasn't any of those things. It was infertility. I am so very, very afraid. Afraid that this is not going to work. That I can never have kids. I am so afraid of that world. There has actually been alot of press in Australia this week about adoption, about women who were pressured in the 60s and 70s to give up their children. Statistics suggesting that kids who are adopted have terrible lives. I don't believe that is the case, I really don't believe that a child brought up by Earl and I, and with our lovely families, could have a terrible life. But I'm so emotionally raw when it comes to the idea of adoption (because it will be such a long, hard, emotional ride to do it) that now that just seems like such a hard road that I don't know if I'm up to

But I can't see a life without kids in it. I can't. It is too hard. I am so scared of it.

This morning things are better. It is a beautiful day, I am well rested, and my nephew (who I am once again ecstatic about) is likely to be born around mid-day. I secretly relieved I don't have to have the house completely tidy by Friday night. And with the tiredness gone I am reminded of how precious Earl is and how many silly fights he has continued to love me through.

In the dark times, I have to remember that the good times always out way the bad. In the night I have to remember that the morning is on the way!

But it's hard. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can keep myself going through the really hard times?

Two things made me smile last night.

Thumper's Ultra-sound picture. He is the small, tiny piece of evidence that maybe IVF can work for us. I hold on to him.

The other thing was a conversation that Earl and I had a few weeks ago.

Earl and I have just joined a choir. He is a bass, and for the first practice I was a first Soprano. Someone came up to me and said "You better be happy to have a baby, because everyone who joins us a first Soprano seems to have kids very soon afterwards. Your happy to have a baby aren't you?

I was shell shocked, I don't even remember what I said, it was just a classic case of silly insensitiveness.

Earl was horrified when I told him.

But suddenly we both started to laugh.

"We've discovered it, we've discovered the cure for my infertility" I said in mock excitement, "We tried IVF, Clomid, accupuncture. But all we needed to do was to get me to sing First Soprano in this choir! Problem solved".

We laughed and laughed and laughed. It wasn't really all that funny. But it was a poignant moment of Earl and I trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Of learning to laugh. Of making our own light in this dark road that we are on.
LG

Transfer day, and then there was one

Transfer has happened. The most amazingly wonderful medical miracle in the world, that they can put a little embryo inside me, and it is the simpliest quickest procedure. It makes me laugh.

I am trying to stay positive, but our second embryo has not continued to grow. They are giving it another day, but its not looking good. So I am positive and sad at the same time

And then there was one.

"It only takes one" said the Accupuncturalist. Yes, for many people it only takes one. But for me it's much more.

Hoping that this one is one that we can keep.
If you are a prayer, please pray especially hard for us.

love LG

Transfer for tomorrow, and update on my babies

Transfer is happening tomorrow. I sway and swap between excitement and hope and fear and doubt. I have no idea whether the baby they transfer will stay but I hope and hope like crazy!

Yesterday I got a call from the lab technician who left a message. They said that one baby is at 8 cells, and one is at 5, but that she wasn't worried, and she thinks the five is still growing and getting strong and might even have reached 6 cells by the time she had made the call. Now I misheard and thought she said that they expected them to be at 8 cells by this stage.

SO I had a bit of a terrible day, worrying about my babies, and worrying more generally about life as usually happens when I am going through this process.

Later in the day I decided to listen to the message again, and realised that at this stage they expect them to be 6-8 cells. Yay! So one embryo is at the head of the class and one is very close to the normal, expected stage :)

We'll find out more about the little one tomorrow, but the 8 celler (which is likely blastocyst by now) is going in!

I am playing to be very gentle with myself, not work to hard, eat healthy food, and I'm even getting some accupuncture straight after the transfer :)

Today is an absolutely beautiful Sunny day. Not warm, but sunny, and it feels like after much delay spring is finally here. It is, in my books, a time for hope. And time to think maybe, just maybe, it is time for some joy instead of morning.

Please pray for me and my embryos.
Love LG

Some more thoughts on the SSP and next steps

I have now had nearly had 24 hours to process my SSP.

IT is still really hard to know how to think.

In many ways, I feel exactly as I did before the beta. There is a chance that I will have a baby, there is a chance we will not. There is no finality or answers. It is just a continuation of the unknown.

But at the same time it is also very different, because of what it might mean.

The weird cramps and the unusual amount of bloating has a reason behind it. And whatever happens, we have another implantation. My evil killer Uterus has done the right thing once again. Is it the accupunction? It is the weight loss? I don't know what caused it but something has worked.

This little one was always a slight increased risk of a biochemical pregnancy, because the "baby" bit of the embryo was quite a bit smaller than I've seen in previous embryos. But maybe there is a baby still there and growing, it just needs to catch up a bit?

I don't know.

Praying like crazy. Have to wait until Thursday for my next beta, to see if it doubles or increases to the rates they expect.

But I'm still bloated and still haven't bleed, which is much more than I can say from the last time this happened.

Really praying this baby makes it,
LG

Counting down

Well, we are now in the last month before Thumper was due. On Saturday we went to a wedding and there was a girl there due in August. Her stomach was so big and beautiful. And then I realised, I would have been futher along than her if Thumper had survived. It was not a good day after that.

We had a lovely time away, so lovely and warm and special. So great to be with family, and also great to be with Earl.

Aunty Flo came and ruined one day, but the rest were special. My parents pulled me aside to ask how things were going. I told them we were unsure about Accupuncture because of the cost. They, as I knew they would, said they would pay. "Never let money be an issue to stop you doing anything" said Dad, "We are here". It's strange, once they offered to pay, I realise that I was happy to pay myself. Once money was no longer a concern I realised I wanted to pay myself. My strange pride, as I decide I want to spend my own money on IVF. One day we might end up leaning on them to do this. But not today. If I can't make a baby on my own, I at least want to pay for it while I can. Strange pride.

But when I rang up to book for accupuncture I realised I get a discount because we are low income earners. Yay!

It's hard, I don' want to hope to much, don't want to assume that this is the miracle cure that we have been waiting for. I told my parents "don't get your hopes up". Dad hugged me and Mum cried and they said "Don't think about us. We don't think about us. We care only about you".
Oh Thumper, why did you have to go?
LG