Update

Not good.

Bleeding whole weekend.

Beta hcg only gone up by 100 on Monday. ie- a baby is not going to come out of this situation

Beta hcg goes up by 100 again on Wednesday. Fear of Ectopic surfaces

Today- in the clinic for two hours so that I could have an ultra sound that showed nothing. Doubly bad because not only was I have an ultra sound which didn't show a baby but I was to have an ultra sound which didn't show anything- so we still don't know what is going on.

And twice I was asked by staff "So, is this your first IVF transfer".

And how impossible and stupid do I feel to say "No, it's my seventh"

Blood test tomorrow.

Meanwhile I am still stabing myself with Clexan neddles, getting up at 5:30 to put in a pessary, and lying down at 1:30 and 9:30 for an hour for the other pessaries.

It seems like a cruel joke.

I know God is good, but this seems cruel, unjust, and so horrible. I don't understand.

I have never seen my husband so sad. He seems lost and he is so angry at God.

So I don't feel like I can morn properly because I want to be strong for him.

Please God

A break from all the crap?
love Lady Grey

My crazy week

The last four days since I have posted have been the strangest, craziest days of this whole IF process.

As I said in my last post- we had a very low pregnancy test reading which suggested a non-viable pregnancy. My 'score' was 20 on Saturday, and I was down to do another test on Wednesday. The chance I was given was pretty low. Stay on the meds, just in case, but don't get your hopes up.

I caught up with my friend Clare, who was twelve weeks pregnant with her own little IVF baby. I told her the story. I said to her "We believe in a God who can do miracles, who can raise the dead. So we are still praying. But we don't have hope".

Clare said she would pray too.

The next day I took the test (the ever positive nurse who took it kept saying- you never know, I'm hoping it'll be 120) and Tim came home so that we could hear the bad news together.

Ring Ring

"Hi it's Lady Grey here, calling for my results"

"Yep, they are looking fine"

"What, I mean, what do you mean?"

(Nurse takes a quick look at my chart- to find out why I sound so funny)"Well, it's gone up, it's now 185"

"WHAT!!! 185" (Tim looking at me in shock, trying to work out what was going on)

"Does this mean that I'm pregnant, is everything alright?".

"No, it does mean you are pregnant, but an early low result is a bad sign. I would give you fifty fifty chance that this pregnancy will go on".

Tim and I were in shock. We couldn't believe it. We didn't want to get excited. But 50/50 was the highest percentage we had heard for a long time.

When I told Clare she was amazed, and her face book status read "Clare believes in a God of miracles, and answered prayers".

24 hours later- bleeding. Heavy bleeding.

I called. The lady said not to panic, to come in for a test the next morning, and stay on my medication.

I took another blood test, but again, Tim and I sat by the phone, holding each other, expecting more bad news.

Nurse Julie "(Silence- sounds like its going to be bad news) Well, results indicated 540 so it's still right on track. Looks like everything is still going okay".

She told me not to stress. She told me to relax and not to do housework (joking though- so it didn't get me out of any). She told me that I shouldn't be stressed or anxious but that she knew that I would be. She said to come in on Monday if the bleeding continued for another blood test.

The bleeding continued.

So now I sit on Saturday morning- no idea what to feel.

It's hard to believe that a baby could still be inside of me when I've had the equivalent of almost two days worth of period heavy bleeding.

But stranger things have happened this week. I am NOT without hope

And to tell the truth.

For the first time in around 3 years.

I believe in a God of miracles.
love Lady Grey