I think I've worked out how to put spaces back into this crazy new format.
I might even have a go at putting labels on my posts again :) Blogger you have been thwarted!
Well, I'm guessing you are much more interested in the transfer than my slowly developing knowledge of html. It went really well. Really, the best it could be. As I said in the last post, Earl wasn't able to go, and while I thought I was at peace with it, it was aparent as I walked around our house in the morning in a great big tiz that I wasn't. The thing I knew I would miss most was having someone there to make me smile. Earl was just about to get out of bed when I was getting ready to leave. He called out "Come in and see me". I said in my stressed out voice "Why?". He said "Because I'm cute". I walked in, and Earl was hiding under the covers, with just the top of his face popping out, with my flowered beanie perched on top of his head. It was such a funny sight I laughed, and I continued to sporatically laugh all the way to transfer. So even without him being there, he still managed to cheer me up.
The second thing that went right with the transfer was the doctor (my normal doctor doesn't work on Sundays). He was lovely. When I walked in he could tell I was stressed, and told me he wanted a big smile from me, though he consedded I didn't have to smile when the speculum went in. That made me laugh. Then he asked about my day, what I was doing. As I left the room, in his cool accent (not sure what, probably something middle Eastern), he said "There is now another pair of fingers crossed for you". I really liked that.
And finally, the embaby itself was looking great. It was frozen at 6 cells, and had grown to seven overnight. It had started compacting- and while I don't know what that means, the scientist said that was excellent. So my last little embaby is looking as good as he can. That doesn't mean he has the inner working to make it, but from everything we can see there is nothing to say that he can't be another little Thumper.
And so the wait begins.
LG
Showing posts with label transfer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transfer. Show all posts
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
Transfer plan
You'll be pleased to hear that the nurse who rang up to give me my results was alot nicer than the one who took them. She was very sympathetic and sorry.
But, my silly early period has messed things up a bit. Normally at this clinic they do natural cycles, which would have meant that even though my day 1 was Tuesday, it still would have been fine to start a cycle straight away. But my doctor doesn't want me to do anything normal, I've tried normal so he's all about different! I'm actually having a puregon transfer cycle. Sounds totally weird to me, but I get the logic, stimulate me to ovulate (though not the extent of a normal IVF cycle of course), then pop the embryo back in after I do.
But because I would have had to start the stims pretty early, I am too late for this cycle. I was bummed for a second then strangely relieved. I guess I kinda knew that I wasn't up for two roller coaster months in a row.
So it begins again. A month off, followed by a month on again. I'm glad we are doing different now. Because Thumper was a fresh baby, I often feel like frozen cycles are never going to work anyway. So different at least gives me a little glimmer of hope.
Life is half impossibly hard, and half not to bad. Hoping the "not so bad" starts winning the comp pretty soon. I'm so exhausted from sadness.
LG
But, my silly early period has messed things up a bit. Normally at this clinic they do natural cycles, which would have meant that even though my day 1 was Tuesday, it still would have been fine to start a cycle straight away. But my doctor doesn't want me to do anything normal, I've tried normal so he's all about different! I'm actually having a puregon transfer cycle. Sounds totally weird to me, but I get the logic, stimulate me to ovulate (though not the extent of a normal IVF cycle of course), then pop the embryo back in after I do.
But because I would have had to start the stims pretty early, I am too late for this cycle. I was bummed for a second then strangely relieved. I guess I kinda knew that I wasn't up for two roller coaster months in a row.
So it begins again. A month off, followed by a month on again. I'm glad we are doing different now. Because Thumper was a fresh baby, I often feel like frozen cycles are never going to work anyway. So different at least gives me a little glimmer of hope.
Life is half impossibly hard, and half not to bad. Hoping the "not so bad" starts winning the comp pretty soon. I'm so exhausted from sadness.
LG
Thursday, March 29, 2012
2 week wait zipping by
I am sorry friends I have not been very good at commenting on blogs this week. I have not had much time on the computer. I can't really aford this time, but I will briefly indulge because I feel like I should be recording what is happening. After all, i am in the dreaded 2 week wait, and I am thinking lots of things, even if I haven't had time to write it down.
This cycle is so strange. For two reasons. One-day 2 transfer. Two- two embryo transfer.
Number one is weird because for the first 2 days I knew that best case scenario my ebryos were just hanging out in my uterus, growing. Normally with a blastocyst transfer they would still be in a dish, so all this is strange. I'm used to knowing where my embabies are up to! I imagine what is happening, I commentate and pray through it. Now to eight cells my lovelies, now to blastyocist. Start to hatch. It is just weird. Not we are hinting the point where they are either attaching or they aren't. Weird. Just so different from normal.
Plus the two. The plural. It's just so strange to think about it. To think that I'm not just aiming for a BFP, but two heart beats. I flow between dreams about having two babies (which take turns in my heads being different genders, first girl girl, then girl boy, then boy boy), and worrying that one will make it and othe other won't, to worrying if I loose them will it be even hard becuase there are two.
It's all so strange.
All in all I am incredibly positive. It seems surreal that in a week and a weekend I will know the outcome.
Praying for lots of you, going through hard things, going through cycles, going through miracles. I was going to post on your blogs, but I've been hit with a wave of exhaustion. Think it's time to rest. But I'll reply soon.
Love LG
This cycle is so strange. For two reasons. One-day 2 transfer. Two- two embryo transfer.
Number one is weird because for the first 2 days I knew that best case scenario my ebryos were just hanging out in my uterus, growing. Normally with a blastocyst transfer they would still be in a dish, so all this is strange. I'm used to knowing where my embabies are up to! I imagine what is happening, I commentate and pray through it. Now to eight cells my lovelies, now to blastyocist. Start to hatch. It is just weird. Not we are hinting the point where they are either attaching or they aren't. Weird. Just so different from normal.
Plus the two. The plural. It's just so strange to think about it. To think that I'm not just aiming for a BFP, but two heart beats. I flow between dreams about having two babies (which take turns in my heads being different genders, first girl girl, then girl boy, then boy boy), and worrying that one will make it and othe other won't, to worrying if I loose them will it be even hard becuase there are two.
It's all so strange.
All in all I am incredibly positive. It seems surreal that in a week and a weekend I will know the outcome.
Praying for lots of you, going through hard things, going through cycles, going through miracles. I was going to post on your blogs, but I've been hit with a wave of exhaustion. Think it's time to rest. But I'll reply soon.
Love LG
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Three Embryos, two put back
Three embryos, two put back.
I'm a little sad it ended up that small, though I shouldn't complain, the most we've ever gotten is 4 embryos, and we only had one last time, so all in all its still pretty good. And three is pretty good in general. It's just when you start with 11...
Transfers happened. And now we wait. Actually feeling good about things, it feels like this is the right thing to do right now. Praying this is our path to parenthood, but open to the fact that it might not be.
Appreciate your prayers,
Belinda
I'm a little sad it ended up that small, though I shouldn't complain, the most we've ever gotten is 4 embryos, and we only had one last time, so all in all its still pretty good. And three is pretty good in general. It's just when you start with 11...
Transfers happened. And now we wait. Actually feeling good about things, it feels like this is the right thing to do right now. Praying this is our path to parenthood, but open to the fact that it might not be.
Appreciate your prayers,
Belinda
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Transfer day, and then there was one
Transfer has happened. The most amazingly wonderful medical miracle in the world, that they can put a little embryo inside me, and it is the simpliest quickest procedure. It makes me laugh.
I am trying to stay positive, but our second embryo has not continued to grow. They are giving it another day, but its not looking good. So I am positive and sad at the same time
And then there was one.
"It only takes one" said the Accupuncturalist. Yes, for many people it only takes one. But for me it's much more.
Hoping that this one is one that we can keep.
If you are a prayer, please pray especially hard for us.
love LG
I am trying to stay positive, but our second embryo has not continued to grow. They are giving it another day, but its not looking good. So I am positive and sad at the same time
And then there was one.
"It only takes one" said the Accupuncturalist. Yes, for many people it only takes one. But for me it's much more.
Hoping that this one is one that we can keep.
If you are a prayer, please pray especially hard for us.
love LG
Monday, October 17, 2011
Transfer for tomorrow, and update on my babies
Transfer is happening tomorrow. I sway and swap between excitement and hope and fear and doubt. I have no idea whether the baby they transfer will stay but I hope and hope like crazy!
Yesterday I got a call from the lab technician who left a message. They said that one baby is at 8 cells, and one is at 5, but that she wasn't worried, and she thinks the five is still growing and getting strong and might even have reached 6 cells by the time she had made the call. Now I misheard and thought she said that they expected them to be at 8 cells by this stage.
SO I had a bit of a terrible day, worrying about my babies, and worrying more generally about life as usually happens when I am going through this process.
Later in the day I decided to listen to the message again, and realised that at this stage they expect them to be 6-8 cells. Yay! So one embryo is at the head of the class and one is very close to the normal, expected stage :)
We'll find out more about the little one tomorrow, but the 8 celler (which is likely blastocyst by now) is going in!
I am playing to be very gentle with myself, not work to hard, eat healthy food, and I'm even getting some accupuncture straight after the transfer :)
Today is an absolutely beautiful Sunny day. Not warm, but sunny, and it feels like after much delay spring is finally here. It is, in my books, a time for hope. And time to think maybe, just maybe, it is time for some joy instead of morning.
Please pray for me and my embryos.
Love LG
Yesterday I got a call from the lab technician who left a message. They said that one baby is at 8 cells, and one is at 5, but that she wasn't worried, and she thinks the five is still growing and getting strong and might even have reached 6 cells by the time she had made the call. Now I misheard and thought she said that they expected them to be at 8 cells by this stage.
SO I had a bit of a terrible day, worrying about my babies, and worrying more generally about life as usually happens when I am going through this process.
Later in the day I decided to listen to the message again, and realised that at this stage they expect them to be 6-8 cells. Yay! So one embryo is at the head of the class and one is very close to the normal, expected stage :)
We'll find out more about the little one tomorrow, but the 8 celler (which is likely blastocyst by now) is going in!
I am playing to be very gentle with myself, not work to hard, eat healthy food, and I'm even getting some accupuncture straight after the transfer :)
Today is an absolutely beautiful Sunny day. Not warm, but sunny, and it feels like after much delay spring is finally here. It is, in my books, a time for hope. And time to think maybe, just maybe, it is time for some joy instead of morning.
Please pray for me and my embryos.
Love LG
Saturday, October 15, 2011
To Thumper, and good news
Two of our little eggs fertilised.
I am so happy.
I know that two fertilisations don't gareentee two little embryos by Wednesday but it is looking good. I am incredibly thankful to God for this answered prayer.
And I am thankful to God for Thumper. Yesterday was Baby Loss Awareness day. And praise God, Yesterday was a good Thumper day. A day where all I felt was love and joy for the little one that I had, and not the terrible achey horribleness.
And on this day too, I want to acknowledge all my little embryos. I know I talk about Thumper alot more than them, but that doesn't mean I don't love them and miss them and think of them.
To all my babies- Mummy loves you and is proud to have given you life, even for such a short while!
Praying so hard for our two new little babies :)
LG
I am so happy.
I know that two fertilisations don't gareentee two little embryos by Wednesday but it is looking good. I am incredibly thankful to God for this answered prayer.
And I am thankful to God for Thumper. Yesterday was Baby Loss Awareness day. And praise God, Yesterday was a good Thumper day. A day where all I felt was love and joy for the little one that I had, and not the terrible achey horribleness.
And on this day too, I want to acknowledge all my little embryos. I know I talk about Thumper alot more than them, but that doesn't mean I don't love them and miss them and think of them.
To all my babies- Mummy loves you and is proud to have given you life, even for such a short while!
Praying so hard for our two new little babies :)
LG
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Cycling
This Cycle is getting me down.
Not just in the hormones suck and they are making me down, but as in the actual way things are panning out is upsetting me.
It's silly that they are. I am pretty sure things are going almost exactly like they always do. Eggs growing slowly. Likely pick-up around two weeks after I start FSH.
The thing that is getting me down is that there are alot of follicles- maybe 10 more than in the Thumper cycle- though most of them are too tiny to count. Which is scaring me because if I have any risk of OHS they will cancel the fresh transfer and I will have to wait, probably until next year after we move to do a frozen transfer. And because Thumper was a fresh transfer I feel like fresh is the best chance of having a baby...
All in all, a bit stressful.
I wish I'd recorded better what had happened in previous cycles, so I could compare and not be so overwhelmed with uncertainty.
On Friday night, Earl and I went to a dance. It was brilliant. It was the most fun I've had all year. In the excitement of the music and the movement I was able to forget infertility. I think I need more moments like that.
The following day Earl took me out to a three course brunch :) I think he's aware that this has not been an easy time for me and he wants to be looking after me.
So now, I've decided I'm on Gentle Lady Grey time. I'm not going to work to hard. I'm not going to exercise. I am going to eat healthy, but I am going to rest. I'm going to do nice things and buy nice things and make sure I'm looking after myself.
Stim cycles suck! But if I look out for myself, I will get through it. And if I look after myself, maybe there might be a baby in the mix for me too.
LG
Not just in the hormones suck and they are making me down, but as in the actual way things are panning out is upsetting me.
It's silly that they are. I am pretty sure things are going almost exactly like they always do. Eggs growing slowly. Likely pick-up around two weeks after I start FSH.
The thing that is getting me down is that there are alot of follicles- maybe 10 more than in the Thumper cycle- though most of them are too tiny to count. Which is scaring me because if I have any risk of OHS they will cancel the fresh transfer and I will have to wait, probably until next year after we move to do a frozen transfer. And because Thumper was a fresh transfer I feel like fresh is the best chance of having a baby...
All in all, a bit stressful.
I wish I'd recorded better what had happened in previous cycles, so I could compare and not be so overwhelmed with uncertainty.
On Friday night, Earl and I went to a dance. It was brilliant. It was the most fun I've had all year. In the excitement of the music and the movement I was able to forget infertility. I think I need more moments like that.
The following day Earl took me out to a three course brunch :) I think he's aware that this has not been an easy time for me and he wants to be looking after me.
So now, I've decided I'm on Gentle Lady Grey time. I'm not going to work to hard. I'm not going to exercise. I am going to eat healthy, but I am going to rest. I'm going to do nice things and buy nice things and make sure I'm looking after myself.
Stim cycles suck! But if I look out for myself, I will get through it. And if I look after myself, maybe there might be a baby in the mix for me too.
LG
Monday, August 22, 2011
Some more thoughts on the SSP and next steps
I have now had nearly had 24 hours to process my SSP.
IT is still really hard to know how to think.
In many ways, I feel exactly as I did before the beta. There is a chance that I will have a baby, there is a chance we will not. There is no finality or answers. It is just a continuation of the unknown.
But at the same time it is also very different, because of what it might mean.
The weird cramps and the unusual amount of bloating has a reason behind it. And whatever happens, we have another implantation. My evil killer Uterus has done the right thing once again. Is it the accupunction? It is the weight loss? I don't know what caused it but something has worked.
This little one was always a slight increased risk of a biochemical pregnancy, because the "baby" bit of the embryo was quite a bit smaller than I've seen in previous embryos. But maybe there is a baby still there and growing, it just needs to catch up a bit?
I don't know.
Praying like crazy. Have to wait until Thursday for my next beta, to see if it doubles or increases to the rates they expect.
But I'm still bloated and still haven't bleed, which is much more than I can say from the last time this happened.
Really praying this baby makes it,
LG
IT is still really hard to know how to think.
In many ways, I feel exactly as I did before the beta. There is a chance that I will have a baby, there is a chance we will not. There is no finality or answers. It is just a continuation of the unknown.
But at the same time it is also very different, because of what it might mean.
The weird cramps and the unusual amount of bloating has a reason behind it. And whatever happens, we have another implantation. My evil killer Uterus has done the right thing once again. Is it the accupunction? It is the weight loss? I don't know what caused it but something has worked.
This little one was always a slight increased risk of a biochemical pregnancy, because the "baby" bit of the embryo was quite a bit smaller than I've seen in previous embryos. But maybe there is a baby still there and growing, it just needs to catch up a bit?
I don't know.
Praying like crazy. Have to wait until Thursday for my next beta, to see if it doubles or increases to the rates they expect.
But I'm still bloated and still haven't bleed, which is much more than I can say from the last time this happened.
Really praying this baby makes it,
LG
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Infertility and my lack of brain
First thing- transfer happened. Our precious little embryo is on the inside :) Please continue to pray for it.
As the embryo went in, the doctor smiled at me and said, "I think it's time for you to have some luck. I think it really is your turn." The nurse and embryologist concurred.
I smiled. I really appreciate the real love and genuine concern I get at my clinic. They all know my story, even just from browsing my chart. They all want this one to be the one who stays.
The funny thing is, I am not supposed to believe in luck. I am someone who believes that God is in control, and therefore luck and superstitions are not suppose to play apart.
That is what my brain says.
But Infertility means that sometimes the brain doesn't come into it.
The sad thing about my transfer was that because Earl was so sick, the doctor thought it best that he didn't bring his germs into theatre. So he didn't get to see our embryo, he didn't get to sit by and hold my hand, and it was sad for both of us. But he said to me afterwards "This is different. Different is good. Maybe it's a sign".
Signs! They are everywhere. The sky on the day of transfer. The birth,death, birthday, anniversary of someone around transfer time. The things people say. The things I eat the next day. Everything, everything I read as if it might have something to say about the result in 2 weeks time. And i obsess about my time with Thumper- wishing I could make careful notes of that two weeks last year so I can copy exactly and get a BFP (and of course do everything differently once I have it so the baby lives).
It's so silly.
But that's what happens. I had a green tea today. Did I have a green tea with thumper? Did I have a green tea in any failed cycles. Is Green tea the deciding factor that means that this embryo will stick?
Of course my brain tells me that this is silly, my hormones, the strength of our little one, and ultimately God are much more deciding factors than weather or Earl's sickness. But I long and hope so much, it absorbs me and I think "sign, sign, sign".
I search for hope where it isn't, just because I need it to survive this little while.
Oh how I long for this baby. It's so overwhelming. Please, please, please!
Lady Grey
As the embryo went in, the doctor smiled at me and said, "I think it's time for you to have some luck. I think it really is your turn." The nurse and embryologist concurred.
I smiled. I really appreciate the real love and genuine concern I get at my clinic. They all know my story, even just from browsing my chart. They all want this one to be the one who stays.
The funny thing is, I am not supposed to believe in luck. I am someone who believes that God is in control, and therefore luck and superstitions are not suppose to play apart.
That is what my brain says.
But Infertility means that sometimes the brain doesn't come into it.
The sad thing about my transfer was that because Earl was so sick, the doctor thought it best that he didn't bring his germs into theatre. So he didn't get to see our embryo, he didn't get to sit by and hold my hand, and it was sad for both of us. But he said to me afterwards "This is different. Different is good. Maybe it's a sign".
Signs! They are everywhere. The sky on the day of transfer. The birth,death, birthday, anniversary of someone around transfer time. The things people say. The things I eat the next day. Everything, everything I read as if it might have something to say about the result in 2 weeks time. And i obsess about my time with Thumper- wishing I could make careful notes of that two weeks last year so I can copy exactly and get a BFP (and of course do everything differently once I have it so the baby lives).
It's so silly.
But that's what happens. I had a green tea today. Did I have a green tea with thumper? Did I have a green tea in any failed cycles. Is Green tea the deciding factor that means that this embryo will stick?
Of course my brain tells me that this is silly, my hormones, the strength of our little one, and ultimately God are much more deciding factors than weather or Earl's sickness. But I long and hope so much, it absorbs me and I think "sign, sign, sign".
I search for hope where it isn't, just because I need it to survive this little while.
Oh how I long for this baby. It's so overwhelming. Please, please, please!
Lady Grey
Friday, August 5, 2011
Transfer date set
Wednesday is the day!
I feel a little bit like I am moving from inside a dark tunnel into the sun. I know that this one might not work, and therefore there will be sadness again- but I am feeling like the trough that has been brought on by Thumper's due date has ebbed back to some normality. But who knows.
One interesting thing is that I am feeling incredibly healthy and energetic. At first I thought it was because I had been sick, so anything normal felt good in contrast. But I feel FANTASTIC. I thought maybe it was because I had lost some weight and was back down to a good healthy weight. Or maybe the slightly healthier eating?
But Earl's theory is it's the accupuncture, which hadn't occured to me.
Whatever it is, I am in a good place for this transfer.
It's so scary and so exciting.
Please, please, please Father- let this little one stay!
LG
I feel a little bit like I am moving from inside a dark tunnel into the sun. I know that this one might not work, and therefore there will be sadness again- but I am feeling like the trough that has been brought on by Thumper's due date has ebbed back to some normality. But who knows.
One interesting thing is that I am feeling incredibly healthy and energetic. At first I thought it was because I had been sick, so anything normal felt good in contrast. But I feel FANTASTIC. I thought maybe it was because I had lost some weight and was back down to a good healthy weight. Or maybe the slightly healthier eating?
But Earl's theory is it's the accupuncture, which hadn't occured to me.
Whatever it is, I am in a good place for this transfer.
It's so scary and so exciting.
Please, please, please Father- let this little one stay!
LG
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Quick update
Been a bad commenter and a bad blogger this week. Just been very full on, out or having people over every night, as well as been busy getting things ready for a work event which is on today. Looking forward to that being over.
The week has been made extra busy by every morning having an early blood test. Really hanging out for a sleep-in right about now!
But the good news is that we are looking on track for a transfer next week. Which is wonderful, because if I had ovulated Monday or Tuesday we would have had another month to wait.
Feeling strangely hopeful. Only things different about this time and the last two is that I'm doing acupuncture and my weight is a bit steadier. But if that helps me stay positive through the stress of the next few weeks well then I'll take it.
Hope to have some more time tomorrow to comment and the like.
LG
The week has been made extra busy by every morning having an early blood test. Really hanging out for a sleep-in right about now!
But the good news is that we are looking on track for a transfer next week. Which is wonderful, because if I had ovulated Monday or Tuesday we would have had another month to wait.
Feeling strangely hopeful. Only things different about this time and the last two is that I'm doing acupuncture and my weight is a bit steadier. But if that helps me stay positive through the stress of the next few weeks well then I'll take it.
Hope to have some more time tomorrow to comment and the like.
LG
Sunday, May 15, 2011
A real holiday
I've just gotten back this morning from my weekend away with my Mum and Sister.
It was amazing!
My family growing up was never really rich, I always felt like my friends had more money than my parents. My parents started off as teachers, and then after a fair bit of study both became academics. They have always been careful with Money, and now as they approach retirement age (not that they are planning to retire anytime soon- they love their work!) they are going very well financially. So our "girls weekend" is really a chance for Mum to pay for everything and to treat me and my sister like queens.
We went to one of the best restaurants in the state, I got a facial and a massage, and we went on a lovely work through the Australian bush. We did lots of cooking, we hung out in front of the fire. We talked and talked and laughed and listened to music and it was lovely. I stayed last night at my parents before flying home, and so also got some time with Dad, who said I think at least 15 times in the 18 hour period how much he enjoyed having me around :) Earl and I will be moving back to the same state as our families next year and we are so excited.
IVF came up a little bit, because of the transfer, but not too much. Just as much as I wanted.
It was a real holiday, and if Earl had been there I would have never wanted it to end.
Now I am back home. And it feels like the 2ww is starting in earnest. It is real in a way that it hasn't been before. 1 week to go before my test. I feel sick whenever I think of it.
The transfer went well, if you can say anything about it. The blastocyst was hatching which made me a little bit happy because the last one wasn't and Thumper definitely was. But I don't want to get too excited.
God answered my prayer and so this weekend I was able to pray. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed.
Please Father, let this baby live and grow. I long to hold him/her.
LG
It was amazing!
My family growing up was never really rich, I always felt like my friends had more money than my parents. My parents started off as teachers, and then after a fair bit of study both became academics. They have always been careful with Money, and now as they approach retirement age (not that they are planning to retire anytime soon- they love their work!) they are going very well financially. So our "girls weekend" is really a chance for Mum to pay for everything and to treat me and my sister like queens.
We went to one of the best restaurants in the state, I got a facial and a massage, and we went on a lovely work through the Australian bush. We did lots of cooking, we hung out in front of the fire. We talked and talked and laughed and listened to music and it was lovely. I stayed last night at my parents before flying home, and so also got some time with Dad, who said I think at least 15 times in the 18 hour period how much he enjoyed having me around :) Earl and I will be moving back to the same state as our families next year and we are so excited.
IVF came up a little bit, because of the transfer, but not too much. Just as much as I wanted.
It was a real holiday, and if Earl had been there I would have never wanted it to end.
Now I am back home. And it feels like the 2ww is starting in earnest. It is real in a way that it hasn't been before. 1 week to go before my test. I feel sick whenever I think of it.
The transfer went well, if you can say anything about it. The blastocyst was hatching which made me a little bit happy because the last one wasn't and Thumper definitely was. But I don't want to get too excited.
God answered my prayer and so this weekend I was able to pray. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed.
Please Father, let this baby live and grow. I long to hold him/her.
LG
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Perfect timing on so many levels
So, providing defrosting of my embryo goes well, transfer takes place tomorrow. 3 hours after the transfer I will get on a plane for a weekend away with my Mum and my sister. The only thing different about this trip because of the transfer is that when my Mum and Sister are in the hot-springs, I will be watching, or maybe getting a pedicure! But I would much rather sit there with an embryo watching than participating without one.
It is such nice timing. It's been a stressful few weeks which have just started to slow down. And to start the 2ww with a holiday is a real gift.
Today I asked God to give me the courage and faith to pray. As I might have already mentioned on this blog, I find it difficult to pray about transfers because I have had so many disappointments. Even though I know it's not helpful, I can't help thinking to myself "What's the point? He always says no anyway". And so I am asking God to help me to pray about this. To trust that he can and does answer prayers and that it is important to do. But it's hard.
Please pray that our little one sticks.
Yesterday I was nervous about Bible study which is really unusual for me. I asked Earl why and he said "You are anxious about the transfer, and so you are nervous about everything. If we were on our way to a free trip to Paris you would be stressed. You'd be saying "I've forgotten something, I've forgotten something"." This was funny because it's true and also because I do always panic about forgetting stuff. Though I'm also usually right :)
Anyway, randomy post to say that things are going well but I am still petrified.
LG
It is such nice timing. It's been a stressful few weeks which have just started to slow down. And to start the 2ww with a holiday is a real gift.
Today I asked God to give me the courage and faith to pray. As I might have already mentioned on this blog, I find it difficult to pray about transfers because I have had so many disappointments. Even though I know it's not helpful, I can't help thinking to myself "What's the point? He always says no anyway". And so I am asking God to help me to pray about this. To trust that he can and does answer prayers and that it is important to do. But it's hard.
Please pray that our little one sticks.
Yesterday I was nervous about Bible study which is really unusual for me. I asked Earl why and he said "You are anxious about the transfer, and so you are nervous about everything. If we were on our way to a free trip to Paris you would be stressed. You'd be saying "I've forgotten something, I've forgotten something"." This was funny because it's true and also because I do always panic about forgetting stuff. Though I'm also usually right :)
Anyway, randomy post to say that things are going well but I am still petrified.
LG
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day
I survived.
The day actually got better as it progressed. The great blessing was that our transfer has been confirmed for this Thursday, so it was a Mother's Day with at least some hope behind the heart-ache.
My friend Mrs L gave me a beautiful card, saying that she was praying for me. It was my first Mother's Day card and it meant so much. I also got two "I am praying for you" texts from friends during the day. And at the end of the night, as I returned our left-over little "presents" that we handed out to all the Mothers at church to the office, I pocketed one. I couldn't publicly take one without people asking awkward questions, but I was a Mum and I knew I deserved one.
But it was also a day to remember that Infertility is not the only hard thing to face on Mothers day.
I couldn't help watching one of the guys at church, who on Mothers day last year found out about a terrible thing his mother had done. I spoke with one girl who hates mother's day, because whenever she tries to do anything nice for her Mum, her Mum uses it as an opportunity to criticise her. And my friend who sat in church like she is in a candy store, because her Mum doesn't like her going to church and only lets her go to church for short periods at a time, and so every time she goes it is such a special treat.
I am so thankful for my Mum, and for Earl's Mum. They are incredibly supportive of what we do and who we are. It was nice that this year Mother's day felt like a time when I could be thankful as well as sad.
Being in Australia I know I am ahead of my (known) readers in terms of time, and so I am praying for all of you on this very difficult day to come. Praying that there will be comfort, and that this Mother's day will be the last one without a child. xoxo
The day actually got better as it progressed. The great blessing was that our transfer has been confirmed for this Thursday, so it was a Mother's Day with at least some hope behind the heart-ache.
My friend Mrs L gave me a beautiful card, saying that she was praying for me. It was my first Mother's Day card and it meant so much. I also got two "I am praying for you" texts from friends during the day. And at the end of the night, as I returned our left-over little "presents" that we handed out to all the Mothers at church to the office, I pocketed one. I couldn't publicly take one without people asking awkward questions, but I was a Mum and I knew I deserved one.
But it was also a day to remember that Infertility is not the only hard thing to face on Mothers day.
I couldn't help watching one of the guys at church, who on Mothers day last year found out about a terrible thing his mother had done. I spoke with one girl who hates mother's day, because whenever she tries to do anything nice for her Mum, her Mum uses it as an opportunity to criticise her. And my friend who sat in church like she is in a candy store, because her Mum doesn't like her going to church and only lets her go to church for short periods at a time, and so every time she goes it is such a special treat.
I am so thankful for my Mum, and for Earl's Mum. They are incredibly supportive of what we do and who we are. It was nice that this year Mother's day felt like a time when I could be thankful as well as sad.
Being in Australia I know I am ahead of my (known) readers in terms of time, and so I am praying for all of you on this very difficult day to come. Praying that there will be comfort, and that this Mother's day will be the last one without a child. xoxo
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Very cute little cells
Remember how I said I was feeling overly confident and had no nerves?
Not anymore.
Last night and this morning I had a work related crisis which only resolved itself half an hour before the transfer. It really annoyed me, because every transfer I long for a stress free, relaxing day, and every time it doesn't happen. But it's all sorted now. But I suspect my over-reaction to the work issues have so much more to do with the transfer than anything else. It has happened, and I am afraid.
Earl and I have a few little "transfer traditions" (sad we have done so many that this is possible). We pray alot. We usually go out for lunch or coffee straight afterwards. And we usually talk gender- guessing what we think our little baby might be. Earl thinks it's a girl, and so do I, though he wants to wait until Ultra-sound or BFN before confirming. I said "Isn't our little baby so cute?". Earl said, ummm, not really. He's like that. He is the kind of person who is quite comfortable saying a certain baby is ugly (not to the parents of course!). His blanket honesty is actually one of his most endearing qualities believe it or not- he's so funny and straight down the line. He doesn't see the "cute" factor in a Blastocyst. But I do ;)
I have always loved my babies. But I think Thumper has made me even more aware of how incredibly human they are. I know that sounds stupid. But as I looked at the embryo, i thought- this could be my last chance to see my baby before heaven. I'm happy today, not because I think I'm in for a BFP (I'm pretty pessamistic for some reason), but because at least for the moment my baby is alive and inside of me. And that makes me happy.
I want to nick-name this little one "Pearl" because our little one is so precious. But Earl wants to wait until the Ultra sound. "Wait until the Ultra-Sound"- it just shows how different things are because of Thumper. We are actually imagining life past the blood test.
But for all that, I am still pessamistic.
Pessamistic but praying.
LG
PS I know I have spelt Pessamistic wrong- but spell checker isn't working today. So my bad spelling is revealed to the blogging world. Funny story, for the email address for this blog I was surprised hopedeferred was available as an email address. But it was only because I spelt it hopedeffered :)
Not anymore.
Last night and this morning I had a work related crisis which only resolved itself half an hour before the transfer. It really annoyed me, because every transfer I long for a stress free, relaxing day, and every time it doesn't happen. But it's all sorted now. But I suspect my over-reaction to the work issues have so much more to do with the transfer than anything else. It has happened, and I am afraid.
Earl and I have a few little "transfer traditions" (sad we have done so many that this is possible). We pray alot. We usually go out for lunch or coffee straight afterwards. And we usually talk gender- guessing what we think our little baby might be. Earl thinks it's a girl, and so do I, though he wants to wait until Ultra-sound or BFN before confirming. I said "Isn't our little baby so cute?". Earl said, ummm, not really. He's like that. He is the kind of person who is quite comfortable saying a certain baby is ugly (not to the parents of course!). His blanket honesty is actually one of his most endearing qualities believe it or not- he's so funny and straight down the line. He doesn't see the "cute" factor in a Blastocyst. But I do ;)
I have always loved my babies. But I think Thumper has made me even more aware of how incredibly human they are. I know that sounds stupid. But as I looked at the embryo, i thought- this could be my last chance to see my baby before heaven. I'm happy today, not because I think I'm in for a BFP (I'm pretty pessamistic for some reason), but because at least for the moment my baby is alive and inside of me. And that makes me happy.
I want to nick-name this little one "Pearl" because our little one is so precious. But Earl wants to wait until the Ultra sound. "Wait until the Ultra-Sound"- it just shows how different things are because of Thumper. We are actually imagining life past the blood test.
But for all that, I am still pessamistic.
Pessamistic but praying.
LG
PS I know I have spelt Pessamistic wrong- but spell checker isn't working today. So my bad spelling is revealed to the blogging world. Funny story, for the email address for this blog I was surprised hopedeferred was available as an email address. But it was only because I spelt it hopedeffered :)
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Struggling to pray
Really, really, really struggling today.
I'm not sure why it was really only today that it hit me.
On Monday I got my period. It made me happy at first. Happy because it meant that I probably did ovulate, and so am likely to again next month. And happy because it gave me a little excuse for the biggest fight I've ever had with Earl, the night before. It wasn't all hormones, but they definitely played their part.
Anyway, I sat down and did the calculations.
If I ovulate on day 14- transfer goes ahead.
If I ovulate on day 15-No transfer
If I ovulate on day 16- no transfer
If I ovulate on day 17- transfer goes ahead.
This last month I most likely ovulated on day 17. So if it is exactly the same it will be okay. But if it's not...
Ever since the miscarriage I've been struggling with the feeling that God actually wants bad things for us. That he deliberately answers our prayers in the opposite way to what we pray. I know that is terribly unjust and untrue, and I thought I was out of that way of thinking. But it feels like this cycle is yet another opportunity for the worst case scenario to happen.
And so I'm really struggling to pray.
Lady Grey
UPDATE:
After finishing my crazy day at work, and relaxing this evening, I am feeling better than when I wrote this post. I even prayed with Earl about it. We came to the conclusion that God does give us good things, because we have each other, don't we. I love that man!
I'm not sure why it was really only today that it hit me.
On Monday I got my period. It made me happy at first. Happy because it meant that I probably did ovulate, and so am likely to again next month. And happy because it gave me a little excuse for the biggest fight I've ever had with Earl, the night before. It wasn't all hormones, but they definitely played their part.
Anyway, I sat down and did the calculations.
If I ovulate on day 14- transfer goes ahead.
If I ovulate on day 15-No transfer
If I ovulate on day 16- no transfer
If I ovulate on day 17- transfer goes ahead.
This last month I most likely ovulated on day 17. So if it is exactly the same it will be okay. But if it's not...
Ever since the miscarriage I've been struggling with the feeling that God actually wants bad things for us. That he deliberately answers our prayers in the opposite way to what we pray. I know that is terribly unjust and untrue, and I thought I was out of that way of thinking. But it feels like this cycle is yet another opportunity for the worst case scenario to happen.
And so I'm really struggling to pray.
Lady Grey
UPDATE:
After finishing my crazy day at work, and relaxing this evening, I am feeling better than when I wrote this post. I even prayed with Earl about it. We came to the conclusion that God does give us good things, because we have each other, don't we. I love that man!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Doing the math/s for this cycle
Drs appointment was alright, nothing new, nothing special, just confirmation of what we knew already. He was reserved about our chances this time, which I suspose is sensible, but it left me a bit flat.
But I've become obsessed with Mathematics. Because with the natural cycle there is only one day to do the transfer, and if it happens on the weekend then they will put it off to the next cycle as my public clinic doesn't do weekend transfers :(
My first full day of the last period was the 19th of Feb. This Saturday is 28 days later. Though based on the signs I think I ovulated around day 16, which would give me a period this Monday.
I count forward 14 days from when I get my period to when I probably ovulate. Then I add 5 days onto that to calculate the transfer day, that makes it a Friday, which means that one day later and it could be a Saturday, which means that we will have to wait until my next period to try again.
But then, if this period comes on day 29, that means I probably ovulated on day 15, which means that I might ovulate later again, which would push the date forward to a Sunday- which still isn't good.
(confused yet?)
And if I did actual ovulate day 16, and this is a pattern rather than just a once off, then I should ovulate the Thursday and do the transfer on a Monday which would be okay. But if it is a fluk then we are back to the Saturday/Sunday scenario again.
Added to all this my cousins wedding in our home town is on THAT Saturday so until we know the transfer date we can't book any flights as we might have bloodtest/ultra sounds on the morning of the weeding, or have to be back on the Monday for the transfer!
I would appreciate pray that we can transfer this month and that the God who is in charge of Maths, and my pesky cycles will bless us with not only a transfer but a baby.
Thanks!
Lady Grey
But I've become obsessed with Mathematics. Because with the natural cycle there is only one day to do the transfer, and if it happens on the weekend then they will put it off to the next cycle as my public clinic doesn't do weekend transfers :(
My first full day of the last period was the 19th of Feb. This Saturday is 28 days later. Though based on the signs I think I ovulated around day 16, which would give me a period this Monday.
I count forward 14 days from when I get my period to when I probably ovulate. Then I add 5 days onto that to calculate the transfer day, that makes it a Friday, which means that one day later and it could be a Saturday, which means that we will have to wait until my next period to try again.
But then, if this period comes on day 29, that means I probably ovulated on day 15, which means that I might ovulate later again, which would push the date forward to a Sunday- which still isn't good.
(confused yet?)
And if I did actual ovulate day 16, and this is a pattern rather than just a once off, then I should ovulate the Thursday and do the transfer on a Monday which would be okay. But if it is a fluk then we are back to the Saturday/Sunday scenario again.
Added to all this my cousins wedding in our home town is on THAT Saturday so until we know the transfer date we can't book any flights as we might have bloodtest/ultra sounds on the morning of the weeding, or have to be back on the Monday for the transfer!
I would appreciate pray that we can transfer this month and that the God who is in charge of Maths, and my pesky cycles will bless us with not only a transfer but a baby.
Thanks!
Lady Grey
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Update on next steps
I've actually had a good day today. Been a while. Just really been struggling. Earl's Grandma died on Tuesday and the shock of it has really sent me off the edge. Really cannot cope with one more horrible hard thing right now! But a really lovely Bible study today has really helped to put my mind back together for at least the moment.
So I thought I'd record where we are at.
Nurses at the hospital have recommended I have two periods before we begin again, so I am waiting on number one at the moment. It's been 5 weeks since the actual misscarriage, but only two weeks since my body has been free of pregnancy hormones so I am not sure what to expect in terms of waiting. Given the length of time it is taking, we will probably see our doctor before my second period, as our appointment is on the 15th of March. Hopefully there we will make a decision whether to try a more natural cycle (timing transfer around ovulation with very little chemical intervention involved) or the standard full-meds frozen cycle.
March the 15th seems so far away (though at least it's Feb so its less than it sounds). The waiting has been so horrible. I have never, never, never wanted a baby more or struggled with infertillity more than I have in the last two months. March seems so far away.
I don't think I can take another two months like the last two. And if it doesn't happen...
I am scared of this next cycle but I want to be there. I want a baby. I miss Thumper so much, and I suspect nothing will ever change that. But in another baby there might be healing.
Please Father!
LG
So I thought I'd record where we are at.
Nurses at the hospital have recommended I have two periods before we begin again, so I am waiting on number one at the moment. It's been 5 weeks since the actual misscarriage, but only two weeks since my body has been free of pregnancy hormones so I am not sure what to expect in terms of waiting. Given the length of time it is taking, we will probably see our doctor before my second period, as our appointment is on the 15th of March. Hopefully there we will make a decision whether to try a more natural cycle (timing transfer around ovulation with very little chemical intervention involved) or the standard full-meds frozen cycle.
March the 15th seems so far away (though at least it's Feb so its less than it sounds). The waiting has been so horrible. I have never, never, never wanted a baby more or struggled with infertillity more than I have in the last two months. March seems so far away.
I don't think I can take another two months like the last two. And if it doesn't happen...
I am scared of this next cycle but I want to be there. I want a baby. I miss Thumper so much, and I suspect nothing will ever change that. But in another baby there might be healing.
Please Father!
LG
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Transfer day
It's funny how superstition can creep in during IVF treatment to the most unsupertitious people.
I woke up this morning. The sun is streaming across the trees, shadowed by the blue sky. After days and days of gloomy rain. It's a sign, it's a sign- I think to myself.
I'm still feeling so hopefully. Ridiculously hopeful. Don't know why. Maybe because I'm on different medication (can that affect your mood?)? Maybe because the misscarriage at least opened the possibility in my head of a "yes, your pregnant" answer at the end?
We got Four little embryos this time. As of Monday they were all growing pretty well- though one was looking brilliant, two were looking good, and one was a little slow. But the "scientist" seemed to be positive about all fours chances. I pray they all make it. I love them all.
I still remember my first ever transfer. We only had two eggs that fertilised. The nurse had told me- we will call you early in the morning if neither of them make it.
I woke up at 8am. I think i screamed. It was one of the happiest moments of the whole journey. God had given us a little baby to place in my belly! And even though that little one didn't stay (I named her Elizabeth)- I still look back at that moment with great fondness. I was just so happy.
And since transfers are such non-events in terms of intervention- I've packed my day with work I have to do :( and catching up with friends to pray :)
But there is a little part of me which would have prefered to sleep and rest and reveal in the "baby in my belly" thing.
In Lamintation there is a beautiful verse about hoping in God, for yet i will praise him. I have hope for a baby- but it isn't certain hope. It's a please, please, please, I beg you God, have mercy kind of hope. But I have a certain hope that despite what happens I will praise him and know he is good.
Please Father- help me whatever the circumstances. But please. Amen
love Lady Grey
I woke up this morning. The sun is streaming across the trees, shadowed by the blue sky. After days and days of gloomy rain. It's a sign, it's a sign- I think to myself.
I'm still feeling so hopefully. Ridiculously hopeful. Don't know why. Maybe because I'm on different medication (can that affect your mood?)? Maybe because the misscarriage at least opened the possibility in my head of a "yes, your pregnant" answer at the end?
We got Four little embryos this time. As of Monday they were all growing pretty well- though one was looking brilliant, two were looking good, and one was a little slow. But the "scientist" seemed to be positive about all fours chances. I pray they all make it. I love them all.
I still remember my first ever transfer. We only had two eggs that fertilised. The nurse had told me- we will call you early in the morning if neither of them make it.
I woke up at 8am. I think i screamed. It was one of the happiest moments of the whole journey. God had given us a little baby to place in my belly! And even though that little one didn't stay (I named her Elizabeth)- I still look back at that moment with great fondness. I was just so happy.
And since transfers are such non-events in terms of intervention- I've packed my day with work I have to do :( and catching up with friends to pray :)
But there is a little part of me which would have prefered to sleep and rest and reveal in the "baby in my belly" thing.
In Lamintation there is a beautiful verse about hoping in God, for yet i will praise him. I have hope for a baby- but it isn't certain hope. It's a please, please, please, I beg you God, have mercy kind of hope. But I have a certain hope that despite what happens I will praise him and know he is good.
Please Father- help me whatever the circumstances. But please. Amen
love Lady Grey
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