Like pressing a bruise

This weekend I felt like a bruise was being pressed.

As I've said previously, Earl and I live away from home. We go and visit our families fairly regularly and this previous weekend was one of those trips. I'm still a bit shocked that I will be moving back permanently next year.

But it was a really, really hard IF weekend.

Firstly, the strange little hard thing was seeing Earl's brother and sister and their spouses.

I absolutely love Earls' family. They are friendly and funny and some of the best company I know. I don't know if I can tell you of people I would rather spend an evening with. I love my family, but I love the intimacy. But with two parents and six kids/spouses in Earl's side it is just loads of fun.

It is particularly special because with Earl's brother getting married their was a sense of the family being finished. Not that people have to get married, but we knew that these were the six people we could be holidaying with and Christmasing with until at least our Grandkids came along.

But I think because of that, because of that sense of the future that I get with these gorgeous brothers/sister, I can't help thinking about if that future will involve kids, or if I will just be Aunty LG and that's all.

The other hard thing was a conversation we had with some friends.

Earl and I have some exciting plans for next year. But two very good, older friends were concerned. Could we haddle doing our big plans if we don't end up with kids? They had seen us last summer so fragile (duh- we had lost Thumper a week before!!!) and they were worried that we weren't going to cope if we remain childless and attempted this project.

It was wise, helpful advice, and it was good to get us to think. But that conversation, on top of an already emotional weekend, has left me feeling so raw. I did not expect to be put on the spot, to have to face discussions of permenant infertility in a cafe overlooking a car-park, with no time to talk to Earl and no time to process before our next meeting with friends.

Sometimes it's only when I feel terrible like this that I realise that most of the time I feel okay. But IF is like a bruise that get pressed regularly with no notice. And it hurts.
LG

A babbling post

I haven't written for a few days, even though I have started numerous posts.

I keep not being sure of what exactly to write, how exactly to explain what kind of week I have had.

It's been wonderful.

Wonderfully, Wonderful.

The reason?

Nothing in particular. No sudden phone call to say- "actually, you were pregnant, we made a mistake". No amazing insight into something we can do to help. Nothing.

Basically the only thing that has happened is that I have become suddenly convinced that we are going to have a baby. Absolutely convinced. And soon.

I'm not sure if its just a coping mechanism by my slightly mysterious brain. I've always been someone who can't handle being sad for very long, usually something comes along to perk me up, just because I think my brain is on the search for it and will take what it can get to feel better. But this is on another level.

Part of what is happened is that over this next month or two where we are not doing our next FET, we are trying to get pregnant anyway.

It might sound like a strange thing to say, but it has been over a year since I have bothered to "try" naturally. Not that we haven't "you know'd" but it hasn't been about having a baby. I have had 10 frozen transfers, with two miscarriages as the only result. And they were GOOD embryos. That's what the doctors always say when we ask, what can we do? They just shrug and say "You make good embryos" as if their job is done and the rest is up to my crazy uterus.

And so the idea that I can make an embryo on it's own, and that it might stick without Clexane has always seemed like a joke.

But God could heal me.

Now one of the reasons I've found it hard to write this post is because I have alot of hang-ups about "healing". I've heard too many times people being blamed for their sickness because "They don't have enough faith". I've seen my dear friend with Bi-polar celebrating each time she hits a "maniac" stage that God has healed her, only to be disappointed when the depression comes again. I've seen my Grandmother given three months to live from her cancer, and yet can still go to see her at her house five years later- so I've seen healing happen. But I've read things on-line that have implied that my infertility is only there because I don't have faith, and if I just had faith Thumper might have lived. And cried all day because of them.

I believe that God can heal. But I don't believe that healing is dependant on some super duper faith leap (after all, Jesus said faith as small as a mustard seed was enough). I don't believe that God will always heal- just because we believe hard enough that he can. I don't have any promises from God or the Bible that I won't struggle with infertility for the rest of my life. Sometimes God miraculously heals people- I see that as I read many wonderful IF blogs. Sometimes God gives people a baby through medical intervention- and I see that as a miracle too. But I know of some very dear Christian people whose prayers were never answered, and who never got their longed for baby. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love them, or their faith wasn't good enough. It's a sick sad world, and infertility is just part of it. We all know there will always be people who never have their child, we just hope those people won't be us.

So even though I've prayed for healing, even though I know that God can, I've always just assumed that any miracle I get will be medical.

But this week that changed. I don't know why. But I think it hit me that anything is possible with God. That doesn't mean that I will be healed. But it means that I might. And so I will try this month. And any other month that I can.

One day I will sit down and write a detailed series of posts on God and infertility. I have thought so much about it. But not today. Today is a day to just enjoy a rare, precious, happy week.
LG
PS (I realise that not everyone who reads this blog will have the same thoughts on God and healing, or that you all even believe in God. I hope you don't mind occasional posts like this, this is part of who I am and a big part of the journey and it's helpful for me to share it. Thanks for your patients!)