First thing- transfer happened. Our precious little embryo is on the inside :) Please continue to pray for it.
As the embryo went in, the doctor smiled at me and said, "I think it's time for you to have some luck. I think it really is your turn." The nurse and embryologist concurred.
I smiled. I really appreciate the real love and genuine concern I get at my clinic. They all know my story, even just from browsing my chart. They all want this one to be the one who stays.
The funny thing is, I am not supposed to believe in luck. I am someone who believes that God is in control, and therefore luck and superstitions are not suppose to play apart.
That is what my brain says.
But Infertility means that sometimes the brain doesn't come into it.
The sad thing about my transfer was that because Earl was so sick, the doctor thought it best that he didn't bring his germs into theatre. So he didn't get to see our embryo, he didn't get to sit by and hold my hand, and it was sad for both of us. But he said to me afterwards "This is different. Different is good. Maybe it's a sign".
Signs! They are everywhere. The sky on the day of transfer. The birth,death, birthday, anniversary of someone around transfer time. The things people say. The things I eat the next day. Everything, everything I read as if it might have something to say about the result in 2 weeks time. And i obsess about my time with Thumper- wishing I could make careful notes of that two weeks last year so I can copy exactly and get a BFP (and of course do everything differently once I have it so the baby lives).
It's so silly.
But that's what happens. I had a green tea today. Did I have a green tea with thumper? Did I have a green tea in any failed cycles. Is Green tea the deciding factor that means that this embryo will stick?
Of course my brain tells me that this is silly, my hormones, the strength of our little one, and ultimately God are much more deciding factors than weather or Earl's sickness. But I long and hope so much, it absorbs me and I think "sign, sign, sign".
I search for hope where it isn't, just because I need it to survive this little while.
Oh how I long for this baby. It's so overwhelming. Please, please, please!
Lady Grey
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Where we are at?
Aunty Flo is due sometime next week.
I am praying for a miracle, and I am alot more hopeful than I've been for a while on a ordinary-persons cycle, but I am still planning for the AF future.
The difficult thing is that in the middle of July I have probably the biggest event of the year for work. I am running and coordinating a Kids program with 22 volunteers (including lots of teenagers we are training up), and 65 kids for three days. While everything else I can delegate or put off for a transfer, this just isn't one of them. So when AF does make her appearance I have to do a big calculation and think as to whether there is any chance of transfer having at the same time as the kids program. Because if there is, I will really have to wait another cycle before trying our last little Embie.
I'm hoping to do acupuncture too, particularly in the lead up to the tranfer. But I found out that my private health insurance doesn't cover it, and it is quite expensive. So Earl and I are still in discussions about it. I think we will still go ahead, but it won't be able to be too regular a thing, maybe just around the actual transfers.
Earl's struggling. I feel like I've had time to recover from our conversation on the weekend. Earl hasn't. He is feeling very raw and weak, and I don't always know how to encourage him (though he says I'm doing a good job- yay!). He said to me, "If only we got pregnant and had a kid it would all be okay".
I know what he means. I think that all the time. It would be a huge answer to the millions of questions we are dealing with at the moment. But at the same time, one of the biggest things that came to me as we talked as this: "God is still God even if we never get pregnant". It's hard to hold onto, when we want something so desperately, but it's true. It will be okay, because God is still with us, whatever happens.
Please pray for us and please pray for Earl.
LG
I am praying for a miracle, and I am alot more hopeful than I've been for a while on a ordinary-persons cycle, but I am still planning for the AF future.
The difficult thing is that in the middle of July I have probably the biggest event of the year for work. I am running and coordinating a Kids program with 22 volunteers (including lots of teenagers we are training up), and 65 kids for three days. While everything else I can delegate or put off for a transfer, this just isn't one of them. So when AF does make her appearance I have to do a big calculation and think as to whether there is any chance of transfer having at the same time as the kids program. Because if there is, I will really have to wait another cycle before trying our last little Embie.
I'm hoping to do acupuncture too, particularly in the lead up to the tranfer. But I found out that my private health insurance doesn't cover it, and it is quite expensive. So Earl and I are still in discussions about it. I think we will still go ahead, but it won't be able to be too regular a thing, maybe just around the actual transfers.
Earl's struggling. I feel like I've had time to recover from our conversation on the weekend. Earl hasn't. He is feeling very raw and weak, and I don't always know how to encourage him (though he says I'm doing a good job- yay!). He said to me, "If only we got pregnant and had a kid it would all be okay".
I know what he means. I think that all the time. It would be a huge answer to the millions of questions we are dealing with at the moment. But at the same time, one of the biggest things that came to me as we talked as this: "God is still God even if we never get pregnant". It's hard to hold onto, when we want something so desperately, but it's true. It will be okay, because God is still with us, whatever happens.
Please pray for us and please pray for Earl.
LG
Sunday, June 5, 2011
A babbling post
I haven't written for a few days, even though I have started numerous posts.
I keep not being sure of what exactly to write, how exactly to explain what kind of week I have had.
It's been wonderful.
Wonderfully, Wonderful.
The reason?
Nothing in particular. No sudden phone call to say- "actually, you were pregnant, we made a mistake". No amazing insight into something we can do to help. Nothing.
Basically the only thing that has happened is that I have become suddenly convinced that we are going to have a baby. Absolutely convinced. And soon.
I'm not sure if its just a coping mechanism by my slightly mysterious brain. I've always been someone who can't handle being sad for very long, usually something comes along to perk me up, just because I think my brain is on the search for it and will take what it can get to feel better. But this is on another level.
Part of what is happened is that over this next month or two where we are not doing our next FET, we are trying to get pregnant anyway.
It might sound like a strange thing to say, but it has been over a year since I have bothered to "try" naturally. Not that we haven't "you know'd" but it hasn't been about having a baby. I have had 10 frozen transfers, with two miscarriages as the only result. And they were GOOD embryos. That's what the doctors always say when we ask, what can we do? They just shrug and say "You make good embryos" as if their job is done and the rest is up to my crazy uterus.
And so the idea that I can make an embryo on it's own, and that it might stick without Clexane has always seemed like a joke.
But God could heal me.
Now one of the reasons I've found it hard to write this post is because I have alot of hang-ups about "healing". I've heard too many times people being blamed for their sickness because "They don't have enough faith". I've seen my dear friend with Bi-polar celebrating each time she hits a "maniac" stage that God has healed her, only to be disappointed when the depression comes again. I've seen my Grandmother given three months to live from her cancer, and yet can still go to see her at her house five years later- so I've seen healing happen. But I've read things on-line that have implied that my infertility is only there because I don't have faith, and if I just had faith Thumper might have lived. And cried all day because of them.
I believe that God can heal. But I don't believe that healing is dependant on some super duper faith leap (after all, Jesus said faith as small as a mustard seed was enough). I don't believe that God will always heal- just because we believe hard enough that he can. I don't have any promises from God or the Bible that I won't struggle with infertility for the rest of my life. Sometimes God miraculously heals people- I see that as I read many wonderful IF blogs. Sometimes God gives people a baby through medical intervention- and I see that as a miracle too. But I know of some very dear Christian people whose prayers were never answered, and who never got their longed for baby. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love them, or their faith wasn't good enough. It's a sick sad world, and infertility is just part of it. We all know there will always be people who never have their child, we just hope those people won't be us.
So even though I've prayed for healing, even though I know that God can, I've always just assumed that any miracle I get will be medical.
But this week that changed. I don't know why. But I think it hit me that anything is possible with God. That doesn't mean that I will be healed. But it means that I might. And so I will try this month. And any other month that I can.
One day I will sit down and write a detailed series of posts on God and infertility. I have thought so much about it. But not today. Today is a day to just enjoy a rare, precious, happy week.
LG
PS (I realise that not everyone who reads this blog will have the same thoughts on God and healing, or that you all even believe in God. I hope you don't mind occasional posts like this, this is part of who I am and a big part of the journey and it's helpful for me to share it. Thanks for your patients!)
I keep not being sure of what exactly to write, how exactly to explain what kind of week I have had.
It's been wonderful.
Wonderfully, Wonderful.
The reason?
Nothing in particular. No sudden phone call to say- "actually, you were pregnant, we made a mistake". No amazing insight into something we can do to help. Nothing.
Basically the only thing that has happened is that I have become suddenly convinced that we are going to have a baby. Absolutely convinced. And soon.
I'm not sure if its just a coping mechanism by my slightly mysterious brain. I've always been someone who can't handle being sad for very long, usually something comes along to perk me up, just because I think my brain is on the search for it and will take what it can get to feel better. But this is on another level.
Part of what is happened is that over this next month or two where we are not doing our next FET, we are trying to get pregnant anyway.
It might sound like a strange thing to say, but it has been over a year since I have bothered to "try" naturally. Not that we haven't "you know'd" but it hasn't been about having a baby. I have had 10 frozen transfers, with two miscarriages as the only result. And they were GOOD embryos. That's what the doctors always say when we ask, what can we do? They just shrug and say "You make good embryos" as if their job is done and the rest is up to my crazy uterus.
And so the idea that I can make an embryo on it's own, and that it might stick without Clexane has always seemed like a joke.
But God could heal me.
Now one of the reasons I've found it hard to write this post is because I have alot of hang-ups about "healing". I've heard too many times people being blamed for their sickness because "They don't have enough faith". I've seen my dear friend with Bi-polar celebrating each time she hits a "maniac" stage that God has healed her, only to be disappointed when the depression comes again. I've seen my Grandmother given three months to live from her cancer, and yet can still go to see her at her house five years later- so I've seen healing happen. But I've read things on-line that have implied that my infertility is only there because I don't have faith, and if I just had faith Thumper might have lived. And cried all day because of them.
I believe that God can heal. But I don't believe that healing is dependant on some super duper faith leap (after all, Jesus said faith as small as a mustard seed was enough). I don't believe that God will always heal- just because we believe hard enough that he can. I don't have any promises from God or the Bible that I won't struggle with infertility for the rest of my life. Sometimes God miraculously heals people- I see that as I read many wonderful IF blogs. Sometimes God gives people a baby through medical intervention- and I see that as a miracle too. But I know of some very dear Christian people whose prayers were never answered, and who never got their longed for baby. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love them, or their faith wasn't good enough. It's a sick sad world, and infertility is just part of it. We all know there will always be people who never have their child, we just hope those people won't be us.
So even though I've prayed for healing, even though I know that God can, I've always just assumed that any miracle I get will be medical.
But this week that changed. I don't know why. But I think it hit me that anything is possible with God. That doesn't mean that I will be healed. But it means that I might. And so I will try this month. And any other month that I can.
One day I will sit down and write a detailed series of posts on God and infertility. I have thought so much about it. But not today. Today is a day to just enjoy a rare, precious, happy week.
LG
PS (I realise that not everyone who reads this blog will have the same thoughts on God and healing, or that you all even believe in God. I hope you don't mind occasional posts like this, this is part of who I am and a big part of the journey and it's helpful for me to share it. Thanks for your patients!)
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Growing in Patience?
Some of you might be wondering why I go from cycle to cycle without a break.
There are a few reasons. I am someone who loves to be doing something. I am actually more content during a cycle (despite the stress) than during the enforced or otherwise breaks that I have had, because it feels like a baby is closer. I know it is possible for me to get pregnant without IVF, but it seems so unlikely (given everything) that I find myself so much more hopeful when I'm doing something.
And the other reason is because I'm just so very impatient to have a baby that the idea that it might be even one month further away is too hard.
A few friends have commented that God must be wanting to teach me patience. I laugh when i think of that. But I don't actually know if I am growing in patience. I am definitely realising that patience would be a helpful thing to have. But so often I just feel like Verruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: "Daddy, I want an Ompa Loompa(or in this case a baby) NOW!"
And because we are now nearing two months until Thumper's due date, it seems even more difficult to wait when I had thought that my time of waiting was to almost be over.
Of course I know that I am growing in patients. I must be. I know that suffering has the affect of teaching and growing us. I know I am a better person than the day we started TTC.
But as I often almost jokingly plee with my heavenly Father "Thanks, I've learnt that lesson now, can we move on?".
Speaking of patience and moving on, to my complete surprise, my blood test result suggests that I am near ovulation. Crazy body! Last month: 18 day ovulation. Month before: 17 day ovulation. Today- day 12!!! Is it a good sign? Who knows. But I am praying that the waiting is almost over.
Love LG
There are a few reasons. I am someone who loves to be doing something. I am actually more content during a cycle (despite the stress) than during the enforced or otherwise breaks that I have had, because it feels like a baby is closer. I know it is possible for me to get pregnant without IVF, but it seems so unlikely (given everything) that I find myself so much more hopeful when I'm doing something.
And the other reason is because I'm just so very impatient to have a baby that the idea that it might be even one month further away is too hard.
A few friends have commented that God must be wanting to teach me patience. I laugh when i think of that. But I don't actually know if I am growing in patience. I am definitely realising that patience would be a helpful thing to have. But so often I just feel like Verruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: "Daddy, I want an Ompa Loompa(or in this case a baby) NOW!"
And because we are now nearing two months until Thumper's due date, it seems even more difficult to wait when I had thought that my time of waiting was to almost be over.
Of course I know that I am growing in patients. I must be. I know that suffering has the affect of teaching and growing us. I know I am a better person than the day we started TTC.
But as I often almost jokingly plee with my heavenly Father "Thanks, I've learnt that lesson now, can we move on?".
Speaking of patience and moving on, to my complete surprise, my blood test result suggests that I am near ovulation. Crazy body! Last month: 18 day ovulation. Month before: 17 day ovulation. Today- day 12!!! Is it a good sign? Who knows. But I am praying that the waiting is almost over.
Love LG
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