You'll be pleased to hear that the nurse who rang up to give me my results was alot nicer than the one who took them. She was very sympathetic and sorry.
But, my silly early period has messed things up a bit. Normally at this clinic they do natural cycles, which would have meant that even though my day 1 was Tuesday, it still would have been fine to start a cycle straight away. But my doctor doesn't want me to do anything normal, I've tried normal so he's all about different! I'm actually having a puregon transfer cycle. Sounds totally weird to me, but I get the logic, stimulate me to ovulate (though not the extent of a normal IVF cycle of course), then pop the embryo back in after I do.
But because I would have had to start the stims pretty early, I am too late for this cycle. I was bummed for a second then strangely relieved. I guess I kinda knew that I wasn't up for two roller coaster months in a row.
So it begins again. A month off, followed by a month on again. I'm glad we are doing different now. Because Thumper was a fresh baby, I often feel like frozen cycles are never going to work anyway. So different at least gives me a little glimmer of hope.
Life is half impossibly hard, and half not to bad. Hoping the "not so bad" starts winning the comp pretty soon. I'm so exhausted from sadness.
LG
Showing posts with label natural. Show all posts
Showing posts with label natural. Show all posts
Friday, April 6, 2012
Sunday, June 5, 2011
A babbling post
I haven't written for a few days, even though I have started numerous posts.
I keep not being sure of what exactly to write, how exactly to explain what kind of week I have had.
It's been wonderful.
Wonderfully, Wonderful.
The reason?
Nothing in particular. No sudden phone call to say- "actually, you were pregnant, we made a mistake". No amazing insight into something we can do to help. Nothing.
Basically the only thing that has happened is that I have become suddenly convinced that we are going to have a baby. Absolutely convinced. And soon.
I'm not sure if its just a coping mechanism by my slightly mysterious brain. I've always been someone who can't handle being sad for very long, usually something comes along to perk me up, just because I think my brain is on the search for it and will take what it can get to feel better. But this is on another level.
Part of what is happened is that over this next month or two where we are not doing our next FET, we are trying to get pregnant anyway.
It might sound like a strange thing to say, but it has been over a year since I have bothered to "try" naturally. Not that we haven't "you know'd" but it hasn't been about having a baby. I have had 10 frozen transfers, with two miscarriages as the only result. And they were GOOD embryos. That's what the doctors always say when we ask, what can we do? They just shrug and say "You make good embryos" as if their job is done and the rest is up to my crazy uterus.
And so the idea that I can make an embryo on it's own, and that it might stick without Clexane has always seemed like a joke.
But God could heal me.
Now one of the reasons I've found it hard to write this post is because I have alot of hang-ups about "healing". I've heard too many times people being blamed for their sickness because "They don't have enough faith". I've seen my dear friend with Bi-polar celebrating each time she hits a "maniac" stage that God has healed her, only to be disappointed when the depression comes again. I've seen my Grandmother given three months to live from her cancer, and yet can still go to see her at her house five years later- so I've seen healing happen. But I've read things on-line that have implied that my infertility is only there because I don't have faith, and if I just had faith Thumper might have lived. And cried all day because of them.
I believe that God can heal. But I don't believe that healing is dependant on some super duper faith leap (after all, Jesus said faith as small as a mustard seed was enough). I don't believe that God will always heal- just because we believe hard enough that he can. I don't have any promises from God or the Bible that I won't struggle with infertility for the rest of my life. Sometimes God miraculously heals people- I see that as I read many wonderful IF blogs. Sometimes God gives people a baby through medical intervention- and I see that as a miracle too. But I know of some very dear Christian people whose prayers were never answered, and who never got their longed for baby. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love them, or their faith wasn't good enough. It's a sick sad world, and infertility is just part of it. We all know there will always be people who never have their child, we just hope those people won't be us.
So even though I've prayed for healing, even though I know that God can, I've always just assumed that any miracle I get will be medical.
But this week that changed. I don't know why. But I think it hit me that anything is possible with God. That doesn't mean that I will be healed. But it means that I might. And so I will try this month. And any other month that I can.
One day I will sit down and write a detailed series of posts on God and infertility. I have thought so much about it. But not today. Today is a day to just enjoy a rare, precious, happy week.
LG
PS (I realise that not everyone who reads this blog will have the same thoughts on God and healing, or that you all even believe in God. I hope you don't mind occasional posts like this, this is part of who I am and a big part of the journey and it's helpful for me to share it. Thanks for your patients!)
I keep not being sure of what exactly to write, how exactly to explain what kind of week I have had.
It's been wonderful.
Wonderfully, Wonderful.
The reason?
Nothing in particular. No sudden phone call to say- "actually, you were pregnant, we made a mistake". No amazing insight into something we can do to help. Nothing.
Basically the only thing that has happened is that I have become suddenly convinced that we are going to have a baby. Absolutely convinced. And soon.
I'm not sure if its just a coping mechanism by my slightly mysterious brain. I've always been someone who can't handle being sad for very long, usually something comes along to perk me up, just because I think my brain is on the search for it and will take what it can get to feel better. But this is on another level.
Part of what is happened is that over this next month or two where we are not doing our next FET, we are trying to get pregnant anyway.
It might sound like a strange thing to say, but it has been over a year since I have bothered to "try" naturally. Not that we haven't "you know'd" but it hasn't been about having a baby. I have had 10 frozen transfers, with two miscarriages as the only result. And they were GOOD embryos. That's what the doctors always say when we ask, what can we do? They just shrug and say "You make good embryos" as if their job is done and the rest is up to my crazy uterus.
And so the idea that I can make an embryo on it's own, and that it might stick without Clexane has always seemed like a joke.
But God could heal me.
Now one of the reasons I've found it hard to write this post is because I have alot of hang-ups about "healing". I've heard too many times people being blamed for their sickness because "They don't have enough faith". I've seen my dear friend with Bi-polar celebrating each time she hits a "maniac" stage that God has healed her, only to be disappointed when the depression comes again. I've seen my Grandmother given three months to live from her cancer, and yet can still go to see her at her house five years later- so I've seen healing happen. But I've read things on-line that have implied that my infertility is only there because I don't have faith, and if I just had faith Thumper might have lived. And cried all day because of them.
I believe that God can heal. But I don't believe that healing is dependant on some super duper faith leap (after all, Jesus said faith as small as a mustard seed was enough). I don't believe that God will always heal- just because we believe hard enough that he can. I don't have any promises from God or the Bible that I won't struggle with infertility for the rest of my life. Sometimes God miraculously heals people- I see that as I read many wonderful IF blogs. Sometimes God gives people a baby through medical intervention- and I see that as a miracle too. But I know of some very dear Christian people whose prayers were never answered, and who never got their longed for baby. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love them, or their faith wasn't good enough. It's a sick sad world, and infertility is just part of it. We all know there will always be people who never have their child, we just hope those people won't be us.
So even though I've prayed for healing, even though I know that God can, I've always just assumed that any miracle I get will be medical.
But this week that changed. I don't know why. But I think it hit me that anything is possible with God. That doesn't mean that I will be healed. But it means that I might. And so I will try this month. And any other month that I can.
One day I will sit down and write a detailed series of posts on God and infertility. I have thought so much about it. But not today. Today is a day to just enjoy a rare, precious, happy week.
LG
PS (I realise that not everyone who reads this blog will have the same thoughts on God and healing, or that you all even believe in God. I hope you don't mind occasional posts like this, this is part of who I am and a big part of the journey and it's helpful for me to share it. Thanks for your patients!)
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Playing games
3 days until beta
It is facinating watching my mind and my emotions playing games as we head towards another beta.
After the drama's of the other night, as I lay in bed imagining the possibility of loosing a baby because of my own stupidity, I was so sure that I was pregnant.
And even though there isn't any real evidence to suggest this is the case, the feeling is continuing on and I am filled with strange optomism and hope about Monday's test.
And it is such a lovely feeling I'm contimplating whether I should nip it in the bud so as to not be disappointed with a BFN, or to just ride it and see what happens
I have been getting light cramping all week, even before my dramatic night. I would assume it was a bad sign, but I can't work out why on a natural cycle before being anywhere near day 28, I would be getting cramping. So i don't know if it's a good sign or a bad sign or just progesterone working it's magic.
My belly is definately more bloated than normal. But who knows what that means?
One of the things that I find so strange about this blog, is that these are things I am not telling anyone else- not even Earl because I don't want to get him hopeful or depressed (generally he gets through the 2ww by just trying not to think about it until the last moment). I didn't tell my prayer buddies, because neither of them know we are doing IVF. I haven't told my family or my BFF, because we like to keep the timing of the cycle a secret so we can choose ourselves when to reveal good or bad news.
But you lovely ladies who read this blog don't know the colour of my eyes, or what foods I love, what non-baby dreams i have for the future, or Earl's real name. It is a strangely intimate, and yet removed. Facinating.
But I am so thankful to have you guys along for the ride. I used to feel so alone on this journey but I'm so glad to have so many who understand this crazy world.
love you guys!
LG
It is facinating watching my mind and my emotions playing games as we head towards another beta.
After the drama's of the other night, as I lay in bed imagining the possibility of loosing a baby because of my own stupidity, I was so sure that I was pregnant.
And even though there isn't any real evidence to suggest this is the case, the feeling is continuing on and I am filled with strange optomism and hope about Monday's test.
And it is such a lovely feeling I'm contimplating whether I should nip it in the bud so as to not be disappointed with a BFN, or to just ride it and see what happens
I have been getting light cramping all week, even before my dramatic night. I would assume it was a bad sign, but I can't work out why on a natural cycle before being anywhere near day 28, I would be getting cramping. So i don't know if it's a good sign or a bad sign or just progesterone working it's magic.
My belly is definately more bloated than normal. But who knows what that means?
One of the things that I find so strange about this blog, is that these are things I am not telling anyone else- not even Earl because I don't want to get him hopeful or depressed (generally he gets through the 2ww by just trying not to think about it until the last moment). I didn't tell my prayer buddies, because neither of them know we are doing IVF. I haven't told my family or my BFF, because we like to keep the timing of the cycle a secret so we can choose ourselves when to reveal good or bad news.
But you lovely ladies who read this blog don't know the colour of my eyes, or what foods I love, what non-baby dreams i have for the future, or Earl's real name. It is a strangely intimate, and yet removed. Facinating.
But I am so thankful to have you guys along for the ride. I used to feel so alone on this journey but I'm so glad to have so many who understand this crazy world.
love you guys!
LG
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Terrible night, and hopefully not TMI
As part of my natural cycle the doctors have given me one progesterone pessarie to insert once a day. It's not a big dose, just something to help things along. Anyway, I take it at 11pm, which means that sometimes I'll go to bed early and my alarm will go off on my phone to let me know that I need to get up, go down stairs to the fridge, get out a pressary, and then go back upstairs.
Last night I woke up at 3:30am and realised, I couldn't remember putting it in!
Panic stations!
I rushed down stairs and counted my pessaries in the fridge. I was pretty sure the number suggested I hadn't put it in, but I wasn't sure.
And um (this is the TMI part) phyically there was more mosixture than I would expect if I hadn't put it in.
I didn't know what to do! I had evidence that I had and evidence that I hadn't.
Poor Earl was woken up, but he was no help. He couldn't remember if I'd gotten up. I knew it was possible that I got up and put it in but was so tired I didn't recall it, but I didn't want to take a chance.
I decided to go with the physical signs and not do anything, but to go to the clinic first thing in the morning to get their advice.
But I lay in bed for at least an hour asking "Have I killed my baby?".
I hate, hate, hate, hate the idea that my baby might be being kept alive by medicine that by my own stupidity or just circumstances I might not take. It is just so much pressure and so hard.
Last night at Bible study someone commented on one girls growing baby belly. The girl looked embarrassed and said "I'm not doing anything, it just happens"
But for me it doesn't just happen, it takes Meds, and the idea that my precious baby might be dead because my alarm might not have woken me up was unbearable.
I went to the clinic and the nurse told me it was okay, but to go home and put in a pessary just in case. Too much won't hurt, and as my body is still making it's own progesterone it should be alright with the morning dose added in to tide me over until tonight.
I feel like an incredible weight has been lifted off.
I don't know what the point of this post is except that IVF is hard and its hard in ways that they don't tell you in books or in your doctors appointments.
5 days until beta
LG
Last night I woke up at 3:30am and realised, I couldn't remember putting it in!
Panic stations!
I rushed down stairs and counted my pessaries in the fridge. I was pretty sure the number suggested I hadn't put it in, but I wasn't sure.
And um (this is the TMI part) phyically there was more mosixture than I would expect if I hadn't put it in.
I didn't know what to do! I had evidence that I had and evidence that I hadn't.
Poor Earl was woken up, but he was no help. He couldn't remember if I'd gotten up. I knew it was possible that I got up and put it in but was so tired I didn't recall it, but I didn't want to take a chance.
I decided to go with the physical signs and not do anything, but to go to the clinic first thing in the morning to get their advice.
But I lay in bed for at least an hour asking "Have I killed my baby?".
I hate, hate, hate, hate the idea that my baby might be being kept alive by medicine that by my own stupidity or just circumstances I might not take. It is just so much pressure and so hard.
Last night at Bible study someone commented on one girls growing baby belly. The girl looked embarrassed and said "I'm not doing anything, it just happens"
But for me it doesn't just happen, it takes Meds, and the idea that my precious baby might be dead because my alarm might not have woken me up was unbearable.
I went to the clinic and the nurse told me it was okay, but to go home and put in a pessary just in case. Too much won't hurt, and as my body is still making it's own progesterone it should be alright with the morning dose added in to tide me over until tonight.
I feel like an incredible weight has been lifted off.
I don't know what the point of this post is except that IVF is hard and its hard in ways that they don't tell you in books or in your doctors appointments.
5 days until beta
LG
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Like a hamster on a wheel
And so it begins again.
Tomorrow morning is the first bloodtest of the new cycle. And so once again we are faced with the question- will a transfer go ahead? And if it does, will there be good news.
The irony is that once again I am faced with a trip away on the weekend around when the transfer might happen. My Mum and Sister adn I try to have a weekend away together every year in May to celebrate our combined birthdays (It's April, May, June for us). Last year it was cancelled so I could be a bridesmaid at my BFs wedding, and so this one I was really looking forward to. We are going to an area famous for it's Day Spas and Mum's booked us in for dinner at one of the most famous restaurants in the state. I have been so excited about it. Now there is a chance that I might have to join them late because of bloodtests. Of course I don't care about weekends away as much as my babies- but after facing one disappointment it is hard to think that this next time will be any different. And once again something I have been looking forward to is pushed and changed due to IVF
Oh I miss Thumper so much! I am suppose to have a big belly right now. I'm suppose to be having a baby shower and decorating a nursery. I'm suppose to be getting ready to meet my son/daughter. But instead it's just another round on the hamster wheel. Spinning, Spinning, working so hard and getting nowhere!
But I am trying to be positive. My counsellor/therapist just happened to ring on my hard day last week (when I wrote my last post). Her words didn't mean much at the time, but now I think of them. That things look good. That the doctors are positive. That one negative test does not mean it will never happen.
Please Father, let it be this month!
LG
Tomorrow morning is the first bloodtest of the new cycle. And so once again we are faced with the question- will a transfer go ahead? And if it does, will there be good news.
The irony is that once again I am faced with a trip away on the weekend around when the transfer might happen. My Mum and Sister adn I try to have a weekend away together every year in May to celebrate our combined birthdays (It's April, May, June for us). Last year it was cancelled so I could be a bridesmaid at my BFs wedding, and so this one I was really looking forward to. We are going to an area famous for it's Day Spas and Mum's booked us in for dinner at one of the most famous restaurants in the state. I have been so excited about it. Now there is a chance that I might have to join them late because of bloodtests. Of course I don't care about weekends away as much as my babies- but after facing one disappointment it is hard to think that this next time will be any different. And once again something I have been looking forward to is pushed and changed due to IVF
Oh I miss Thumper so much! I am suppose to have a big belly right now. I'm suppose to be having a baby shower and decorating a nursery. I'm suppose to be getting ready to meet my son/daughter. But instead it's just another round on the hamster wheel. Spinning, Spinning, working so hard and getting nowhere!
But I am trying to be positive. My counsellor/therapist just happened to ring on my hard day last week (when I wrote my last post). Her words didn't mean much at the time, but now I think of them. That things look good. That the doctors are positive. That one negative test does not mean it will never happen.
Please Father, let it be this month!
LG
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Looking hopeful
Timing is looking great!
As of yesterday I still hadn't ovulated so it is looking really great that we will have a transfer next week. Yay! I am really hoping I ovulate today- because we are flying interstate tomorrow evening, and if for some reason they want me in for a blood test on Saturday we will have to cancel our flight. Which of course we are willing to do (my gorgeous parent's are paying for the flight, and got us to book it anyway, saying they are more than happy to cover the cost of any IVF related changes).
The nurses keep saying "Your almost there", so I'm assuming that we will get the go ahead today- and have a transfer on Tuesday- :)
So very, very, very thankful to God for this answered prayer, for this good thing. As I said in a previous post, I do often feel like the worst seems to happen, and it's nice to be reminded that this is not always the case, and that God does give us good things.
We will transfer one. Please pray that our little one survives the defrosting process well!
In other news, In Bible study group we are each bringing in something that is precious to share with the group, as a way of getting to know each other (most of the group didn't know each other at the start of the year). I brought in my ultra-sound picture of Thumper, and shared about him. I was so nervous, I wasn't sure if I should share it (particularly because most people had brought in fairly fun, non-serious precious things). But Earl thought it would be a good thing to do (for me and for the group) and it really was. Several of the girls cried, they prayed for me, and a new group of people got to learn about our special baby. One of the girls emailed me thanks, she had lost a baby to and she really appreciated me sharing.
And in some lovely timing- we were actually looking at Proverbs and Friendship in Bible study and covered the Proverb: "Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart". (Proverbs 25:20). This verse has proven true for me through this process, and I think it was really helpful to the girls in my group for me to be able to give an example of how true this Proverb was.
So overall, I am feeling very thankful. I know the nerves will kick in, and I never, ever enjoy the 2ww. But I have hope.
LG
As of yesterday I still hadn't ovulated so it is looking really great that we will have a transfer next week. Yay! I am really hoping I ovulate today- because we are flying interstate tomorrow evening, and if for some reason they want me in for a blood test on Saturday we will have to cancel our flight. Which of course we are willing to do (my gorgeous parent's are paying for the flight, and got us to book it anyway, saying they are more than happy to cover the cost of any IVF related changes).
The nurses keep saying "Your almost there", so I'm assuming that we will get the go ahead today- and have a transfer on Tuesday- :)
So very, very, very thankful to God for this answered prayer, for this good thing. As I said in a previous post, I do often feel like the worst seems to happen, and it's nice to be reminded that this is not always the case, and that God does give us good things.
We will transfer one. Please pray that our little one survives the defrosting process well!
In other news, In Bible study group we are each bringing in something that is precious to share with the group, as a way of getting to know each other (most of the group didn't know each other at the start of the year). I brought in my ultra-sound picture of Thumper, and shared about him. I was so nervous, I wasn't sure if I should share it (particularly because most people had brought in fairly fun, non-serious precious things). But Earl thought it would be a good thing to do (for me and for the group) and it really was. Several of the girls cried, they prayed for me, and a new group of people got to learn about our special baby. One of the girls emailed me thanks, she had lost a baby to and she really appreciated me sharing.
And in some lovely timing- we were actually looking at Proverbs and Friendship in Bible study and covered the Proverb: "Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart". (Proverbs 25:20). This verse has proven true for me through this process, and I think it was really helpful to the girls in my group for me to be able to give an example of how true this Proverb was.
So overall, I am feeling very thankful. I know the nerves will kick in, and I never, ever enjoy the 2ww. But I have hope.
LG
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Natural Cycle D days
Today and Tomorrow are the days.
If I ovulate today, or I ovulate tomorrow- then it's all-over-red-rover on this natural cycle and I will have to wait until next month to try again. Though Earl and I will give it a red-hot-go naturally ;P
As much as I tell myself that this is okay, I desperately want this cycle to go ahead.
Please pray that it does!
LG
If I ovulate today, or I ovulate tomorrow- then it's all-over-red-rover on this natural cycle and I will have to wait until next month to try again. Though Earl and I will give it a red-hot-go naturally ;P
As much as I tell myself that this is okay, I desperately want this cycle to go ahead.
Please pray that it does!
LG
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