Constant rebuilding

One of the hardest things about IF is that just when you pull yourself together, something happens that makes you fall apart again.

It has been a pretty good week overall. I don't know if I've mentioned this on my blog, but in my spare time I am a writer. I have been writing a novel for the last 5 years (Ironically I started right when we started trying for kiddies) and am very close to completion. Anyway, this week I was able to spend lots of time on it, and I love it. Really, the happiest I ever am is when I'm writing. Partly it's just living out the life of my character, who faces pretty tough things but whose "happily ever after" I have complete control over. But it makes me so happy, and it's been a Godsend with the news of last week.

Earlier in the week when I had not been coping, I booked an appointment with a Therapist. So yesterday I went in. It was wonderful. She was wonderful. It was like talking to my old therapist. She was filled with hope, so enthusiastic about my chances. She had some really helpful info about Embryo donation- including that the waiting lists at our clinic had gone down to as low as 3 months! I came out feeling like we would have a baby soon, and if we couldn't, then embryo donation would actually be a really great alternative.

That afternoon we had our appointment with our doctor. Not so positive. He looked at our embryo quality, and said everything looked good. He was happy with fertilisation, happy with how they turned out. But once again they didn't stick. He said his money was on genetically abnormal embryos.

We are going to go ahead with one more stimulated cycle after our frozen transfer. But he doesn't think this is something that can go on forever. He thinks there isn't much more they can do after that.

Earl and I had an emotional couple of hours talking about it. Talking about embryo adoption. Re-talking about donor eggs. It was tough. But good. I felt like I pulled myself together.

I had a great night, celebrating my birthday with Earl's family.

Then as we headed home, Earl told me some news.

My friend Mrs L is pregnant again.

Mrs L is my friend who was trying similiar time as me. Who got pregnant on her first IVF cycle. Who had one frozen embryo that didn't survive the thaw. Who decided with her husband that they weren't up for another cycle now, that they would wait a few years, and then try again.

Pregnant naturally.

I love her, I love her son and I will love her child. I don't begrudge this.

BUT WHERE IS MY MIRACLE!

It's funny. You do your best to think positively about your situation. You decide it's okay that you didn't get pregnant right away. You decide that it's okay that conception doesn't happens through s3x. You decide that its okay that it takes a while, as long as it happens. You decide, finally, that maybe it will be okay if they are not genetically my kids, because at least I will have a baby.

Then someone gets what you so desperately want and you think. Yes, I'm okay with all this. But why do I have to make all these compromises when someone in exactly the same situation as me, gets everything!

Think it's time for another trip to the counsellor. 24 hours later.
LG
PS Love to HJ, I am so very, very sorry about your BFN. You know, I keep having these dreams that one day I will go to the US and meet you and we will have children to show each other. I am still praying for that to happen friend. I'm so sorry.

Being my own therapist

There is a saying, I learnt it through being involved in church work, but I'm sure it can apply elsewhere. The expression is "Do yourself out of a job". The idea is that you train people around you in such a way that soon you create enough mini-you's to make yourself redundant.

Anyway, today was my first day of seeing one of the new therapists at my new clinic. My new clinic has about 8 different therapist and they are considered to be one of the best infertility counselling services in Australia.

But I miss my old therapist!

Part of the issue is the different doctors opinions are influencing the attitude of the therapist. My Old therapist was able to say "No doctors are saying you can never have kids". My new therapist can't really say that, because my new doctor has raised it as a possibility. She was encouraging, she let me talk, and she was very sympathic to how hard the situation was, and very positive about how well I am doing. I talked alot about SIL and BFF being pregnant, I don't think I realised until that conversation just how much it was affecting me.

But she couldn't give me hope, she could only give me band-aids. She said that we wouldn't be doing IVF if there was no chance, and that was helpful. But it wasn't hopeful. I walked out of the meeting so sad, because my old therapist always made me feel more hopeful.

But I realised as the day progressed that my old therapist had in some ways done herself out of a job.

I could hear her in my head. I could hear her saying that Thumper was a good sign. That I was young. That just because IVF hasn't worked, doesn't mean it won't work. That new clinics can sometimes make the difference, something about what they do might help. That other people's roads are not my road. That as much as I hate waiting that a child, some child is in my future. I can hear her in our last ever conversation saying "This isn't in anyway scientific, but I still hold great hope for you to get pregnant".

And I felt better, without even talking to her.
LG

Getting Help

Okay, i think its time to admit that I am NOT coping better than I have with other announcements. I am in the sense that I am not particularly bitter or angry towards my friend, but I am not in the sense that I am falling apart and I know its not just a coincidence that this break-down has coincided with my friends news.

I'm so scared. Before her news I was really looking forward to moving back to my home town in a month. Now it just feels like there will be so much hardness associated with the move.

And Spiritually I am in a bad place. I'm conscious that not everyone who reads this blog believes the same things I do (thought some of you do), so apologies if this doesn't make sense. I've been in a really bad place with God, really angry, falling apart. This is a normal part of infertility- and I know he can handle it. But it has become something that is not healthy. A battle. It has become like a wrestle with him, I argue why he has to baby, I try to manipulate him with my emotions (ie If you don't give me a baby right now I will blah, blah, blah).

When I was pregnant with Thumper, I remember reading a post by someone who was going through similar things- being really angry with God about their infertility. And I thought, in my arrogant pregnancy bliss "If you would just keep trusting him, he will look after you". Several weeks later, Thumper was in Heaven and this women was pregnant. I think for some really weird reason I have it in my head that if I get to the very lowest of lows then God will finally give me a baby. But God is not one to be manipulated, and I don't want to be someone who only loves and serves when things are going well. I want to keep trusting him.

I caught up with friends after I heard my BFFs news. I didn't tell them, but I was pretty upset and one of the girls said "Maybe its time to get some help". I told her I would see my counsellor again. Hubby is also going to organise a meeting with a friend who is a bit of a Christian Mentor figure.

And so I will try to do something about this mess I am in. Because I don't like this person I am becoming.
LG

A new year

Living in Australia, there are a few things that are slightly different than the states. I spent two years living in Wisconsin from the age of 10-12 (my parents were studying there), and so I learnt through trial and error (and a few embarrassing mistakes) that just because we all speak English, doesn't mean everything is the same :)

But one difference was seasons. In Australia, seasons are switched around, and start on the first of the month. So yesterday, the 1st of September, was the first day of Spring.

Secondly, in Australia, the new year is in January. Which it is in the States as well, but in Australia everything (including school) starts in January, because that is when Summer is starting to end.

At my friends wedding on Saturday,a friend and I were talking about how we loved September, and how even though it isn't the start of the new year, that for us, it's a Spiritual start. It's when everything is new, it's a time of hope and promise.

I'm trying to keep that in the front of my mind.

My Therapist, when I shared so many of my fears about the future, pointed out that I just wasn't in a place to deal with those thoughts, to work out the plan Bs if this coming Stim is negative.

She said I need to concentrate on the reasons I had to hope, and then, when I am a bit stronger, then I can think about dealing with things like Christmas/Thumper's last days.

So I am trying to see this as a new year, a fresh start, the Spring where perhaps there is more than just flowers and baby animals who might begin to grow.

I have had a horrible cold, so Spring has not been great so far. But it is early days!


In other news- I was at the doctors for my cold and bumped into an acquaintance who was pregnant. It was a bit of a shock. I went for a coffee with Earl and said, as a rule, I want to hear from you that someone is pregnant, rather than finding out when I see their belly. Earl nodded and then told me of two other people who were pregnant. I felt kind of sick, and then preface my original statement with "But not all in one day".

And of course I got home, went on facebook and found out another friend is pregnant.

Finding out that FOUR people were pregnant in the one day. I think that might be a record.

I was saying to Earl that I am seriously tempted to announce on facebook that no one else is allowed to get pregnant- that its our turn, and that no one else in the whole world is allowed to get pregnant before we do.

Earl gave me a big cuddle and said, "Maybe we will be next. Maybe we will have a baby very soon".

What a beautiful thought!
Please Spring- be a time of joy!
LG