Constant rebuilding

One of the hardest things about IF is that just when you pull yourself together, something happens that makes you fall apart again.

It has been a pretty good week overall. I don't know if I've mentioned this on my blog, but in my spare time I am a writer. I have been writing a novel for the last 5 years (Ironically I started right when we started trying for kiddies) and am very close to completion. Anyway, this week I was able to spend lots of time on it, and I love it. Really, the happiest I ever am is when I'm writing. Partly it's just living out the life of my character, who faces pretty tough things but whose "happily ever after" I have complete control over. But it makes me so happy, and it's been a Godsend with the news of last week.

Earlier in the week when I had not been coping, I booked an appointment with a Therapist. So yesterday I went in. It was wonderful. She was wonderful. It was like talking to my old therapist. She was filled with hope, so enthusiastic about my chances. She had some really helpful info about Embryo donation- including that the waiting lists at our clinic had gone down to as low as 3 months! I came out feeling like we would have a baby soon, and if we couldn't, then embryo donation would actually be a really great alternative.

That afternoon we had our appointment with our doctor. Not so positive. He looked at our embryo quality, and said everything looked good. He was happy with fertilisation, happy with how they turned out. But once again they didn't stick. He said his money was on genetically abnormal embryos.

We are going to go ahead with one more stimulated cycle after our frozen transfer. But he doesn't think this is something that can go on forever. He thinks there isn't much more they can do after that.

Earl and I had an emotional couple of hours talking about it. Talking about embryo adoption. Re-talking about donor eggs. It was tough. But good. I felt like I pulled myself together.

I had a great night, celebrating my birthday with Earl's family.

Then as we headed home, Earl told me some news.

My friend Mrs L is pregnant again.

Mrs L is my friend who was trying similiar time as me. Who got pregnant on her first IVF cycle. Who had one frozen embryo that didn't survive the thaw. Who decided with her husband that they weren't up for another cycle now, that they would wait a few years, and then try again.

Pregnant naturally.

I love her, I love her son and I will love her child. I don't begrudge this.

BUT WHERE IS MY MIRACLE!

It's funny. You do your best to think positively about your situation. You decide it's okay that you didn't get pregnant right away. You decide that it's okay that conception doesn't happens through s3x. You decide that its okay that it takes a while, as long as it happens. You decide, finally, that maybe it will be okay if they are not genetically my kids, because at least I will have a baby.

Then someone gets what you so desperately want and you think. Yes, I'm okay with all this. But why do I have to make all these compromises when someone in exactly the same situation as me, gets everything!

Think it's time for another trip to the counsellor. 24 hours later.
LG
PS Love to HJ, I am so very, very sorry about your BFN. You know, I keep having these dreams that one day I will go to the US and meet you and we will have children to show each other. I am still praying for that to happen friend. I'm so sorry.

Next steps

I am so sick of having that as a blog title!

Yesterday was terrible. My friend who struggled with depression was described by her Therapist as a functional depressed. Ie, despite her depression she was able to do all the things that she needed to do.

I am a functional IF. Usually. But I got very close to non-functioning yesterday. There were lots of silly, frustrating things that went on, as well as AF becoming very obviously there- killing any hopes that might have come from my morning vomit (I mean, SERIOUSLY! My body is so frustrating!). I got through the day without crying in public- just.

And so, in three weeks and one day we will meet up with our special brand new specialist. We will see if there might be something that can be done to me that might make me work.

But, if things are as I expect, and I was pregnant for even a teansie while this month (Its weird, do I morn a baby I don't know if it was there???)- then that is a very, very, very amazing sign. Maybe we can make a baby on our own?

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers. This is just a terrible week!
LG

Dealing with hopes dashed

One of the hardest things about disappointment after such hopeful moments is that you have to reorientate your thinking.

Once again, I have to think about job hunting, when for a while I thought I'd be having a kid instead.

Once again, I have to face Christmas with all my relatives going gaga over my sister-in-laws belly, without a belly of my own to secretly celebrate.

Once again, I have to face moving, and packing and a really hard week, all with IF underlying it.

But I won't stop believing that my life will be good. I had a few days of possibilities, and I am not giving up that I can have that again. Next time I hope with those possibilities becoming realities.
LG

BFN

I'm so upset.

I know its not definately the end of things, I know these tests can be wrong, I know it was about my fourth pee of the day so maybe there wasn't much hormone to find. But there was no line. Nothing. Not even a light one.

And then the slightest, pinky/brown spotting.

Why did things look so good to go so bad in a matter of hours.

I'm so sad.
LG

Update: I rang up the fertility clinic. They said if my period doesn't arrive by Monday to come and do a test. The nurse said even if I'm not pregnant they might be able to work out what's going on with such a long cycle

Hope Dashed

I got my period yesterday.

My world is falling apart.

I don't know if anyone is even really still reading this blog to find out.

Or listening to my prayers.

And so, the worst year of my life remains the worst year of my life.

I really, really thought that I was pregnant.

I am such a fool.
LG

The Inevitable Negative

So the pregnancy test was a negative.

As was expected. Inevitable.

It was, of course, that 'just in case' test they do because if you are pregnant you don't want to be pumping the wrong hormones into your system. It was the last chance, please, please,please, please can we avoid another stimulated cycle and just get pregnant naturally test.

It was negative as I expected.

But I still spent most of my early evening walk crying.

Not because I'd lost a baby.

But just because it would have been such a blessing if it had been positive.

But we just don't seem to get those kind of blessings.

And so it begins.

Again :'(
LG

Strong women

It really hit me today.

Last week I was pregnant.

Last week i was avoiding Caffeine, and meanly leaving all the playgroup lifting and moving to people who weren't pregnant, hoping they weren't thinking I was just being lazy. Last week I was a little bit hopeful and a little bit happy.

This week I'm just my normal barren self again.

And once again I'm reminded I need to remember what I am going through, and give myself a break. When this same thing happened last time it took me months to recover. And this time I had big social and family commitments, as well as the emotional roller-coaster of my sister-in-laws pregnancy to deal with.

I'm so scared of the future. The future to me seems this big black hole of horrible pain. There are so many things I am NOT looking forward to. Most forefront of my mind is the anniversary of Thumpers death. The idea of facing that without a baby in my stomach just makes me shiver and shake.

But despite all this, I am a strong women. I struggle away but I am going through things that are really hard. I am a strong women.

And so are you. So are so many of you my dear readers. You have coped with pregnancies and baby showers and anniversaries and birthdays you dreaded. You have coped with BFNs, AFs and 2ww, and other terrible Infertility acronyms! You have held yourselves together at times and you have fallen apart, but you have been through one of the hardest roads a women has to face, and like me you might even still be on it. But you are doing your best to hope and trust and I admire you so much for that.

Of course, we would all rather have a baby than be strong. But even so, its something we need to celebrate once in a while.

I am a strong women.
And so are you.
love Lady Grey

Only just survived...and a request

Well, the wedding was lovely, and the family dinner to celebrate my sister-in-laws birthday was also pretty good. We arrived late, so we missed most of the baby talk. But I cried all the way home. It's just so very hard.

But I made it through the wedding without crying or falling apart. And Earl coped by deciding that his best mate deserved an awesome wedding day and that he would put his pain and hurt aside and make the wedding about the groom. He is such a special, strong man (Earl I mean, though the Groom is great too). And I think I've discovered a pretty neat trick for coping with my sister-in-laws pregnancy. As I've said previously, I find pregnancies hard, but babies I can handle. So knitting something for my nephew has been wonderfully therapeutic because it makes me think of him as an actual baby, and not as the little bump that is starting to emerge. It's still really hard, but when I have the knitting in my hand, I just feel so much better.

And here is my request.

I feel funny asking this, but I was wondering if everyone who reads this, followers, lurkers, or anyone who just happens on this post, who is a prayer, to pray for me. You see one of the things I am finding so hard at the moment is that my prayers for a baby, my thousands and thousands and thousands of prayers for a baby over the last 5 years have not been answered. And it feels like my prayers don't work.

I know it doesn't really work like that, I know that God loves me and listens and that it is only in my head that I am somehow curst in the prayer department.

But it would be such a comfort to know that there were people, other than me and Earl, who were praying for this next cycle. And as we don't have large numbers of people 'in the non-virtual world' who know about the upcoming cycle- I really would appreciate my IF sisters to be praying. I know many of you pray anyway for me (and I appreciate it so much) but if you could make a special effort in the coming months to remember us regularly in your prayers? I know everyone has a hard road but our road is feeling extra hard at present and it would be such a comfort to know that there were people out there petitioning our heavenly Father on our behalf, that he would finally give us life and not death?

Thanks so much for your encouragement and words. They help so much.
love Lady Grey

BFN

Today was a BFN. So it is all over, just as I thought it might be. I'm pretty sad about it, but i did my falling apart morning yesterday so this morning I'm not going to badly-considering. But I miss my baby so much. I don't know why it has to be so hard. It seems like so many people everywhere are so blessed and my road just gets harder and harder. IT JUST SUCKS!!!!

Earl is taking it really hard. Please pray for us.

So, it begins again. Stim cycle.

Two good positives though.

It seems to me that our embryo wasn't particularly strong, but it still attached. Perhaps it was the accupuncture? And the first embryo from our last stim cycle was Thumper. So maybe accupuncture plus stronger embryo might actually equal baby? That is what I'm praying.

And the other thing is that I was talking to my counsellor and she said at the clinic staff meeting coming up, she's make sure me and my case are on the list to talk about, so that all the clinic doctors can look through my files and perhaps think of some things to tweak to maybe get it right this time.

This weekend is going to be so hard :'(
Where is my baby God?
LG

That's just grief

I got home from work yesterday just feeling like i couldn't take anything anymore. The problem was, neither could Earl! He had spent the last week comforting me during the day from the phone, comforting me when I got home, comforting me before I went to bed. He said, I'm sorry but I'm really tired. I need to share the load of comforting you with someone else.

At first I was hurt and upset. But after I time I understood. My counsellor had even said that this would happen at times, and that when I realised this I should give her a call. But unfortunately she is away on holidays at the moment.

So I decided to share with my Bible study how I was really feeling.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with my lot, particularly the fact that I seem to be caring for and helping so many people and yet what I'm going through is so hard. But one thing I do have is lots of people who love me and support me. Some of the women in my Bible study I have only really known this year. But they are amazing.

I was talking with two of them after the study, after I shared. One is expecting a baby 8 days before Thumpers due date. I should hate her but i just can't. She is just so lovely and real and does an amazing job of being a human being and not just a pregnant women! She told me that she had a misscarriage too and that she hated the world. She and the other girl said they were amazed how joyful and unbitter I was.

I protested, "I'm so angry so much of the time". My pregnant friend said "That's just grief".

"That's just grief". Two little words but how they change my perspective. They remind me of what I've been through. They remind me that when someone has been trying for four years, and then has a miscarriage- it's kind of normal to hate the world. Especially after a BFN.

I still think, despite my sharing, that they haven't seen how angry and bitter I have been. Maybe those who read this blog and Earl are the only ones who really know. But knowing this is "just grief", knowing this is part of the package and knowing that this feeling might pass, is really starting to make me feel better.
LG

Not coping

I'm so tired.

We have pretty much decided to have a break this coming month. The hard thing about that is that it means that it is very, very unlikely that we will be pregnant before Thumper's due date. Which means that this coming two months are going to be horrible. Today is two months away from his due date. I can hardly bear it. Why do my babies die? :''''''''''(

I am so overwhelmed with the unfairness of it all. So often I hear so many happy stories of pregnancies for those who struggle with infertility. But how journey just seems to be getting blacker and blacker.

I'm not coping very well.
Please pray.
LG

The two me's

Not sure if anyone read my last post in time to pray for Sunday, but God definately answered our prayers. I don't know quite how it happened, but I managed to do (according to Earl) one of my best every kids talks. I held it together to welcome a new lady, had some nice time just hanging with Earl, I helped another girl write a kids talk, I sang in evening church, and I cheerfully went out for dinner after church with friends. I even handled saying and hearing "Happy Easter" about 20 times

It sounds like I don't care about my BFN at all. But I do, I really do.

Of course, I haven't included the hissy fits. Of which there were at least 5, spread throughout the day. And the tears. And the Angry prayers. And the whys?

When I woke up on Sunday morning I went onto facebook where our friends had just put up their photos of their fourth baby. These are lovely people who know about IVF and who pray for us. But they break my heart. Before we started trying, the husband told us matter-a-factly "We are hoping to get pregnant in June". A friend of these said they were even using the billing method to make sure there first was a boy. At the time even before all this IF rubbish I thought "You presumptious idiot!". They were pregnant in June. They had their boy. And not only that, they then had girl, boy, and now girl. They got pregnant with their second right at the point when we started trying. So they have had three kids (to add to their one) since we have been trying.

Please understand, I don't hate them. I don't think they deserve horrible things for their rediculous controllingness. But I just don't understand. Why do they get four and we get none. Why, do they get their precious little girl right in time to coincide with us once again loosing our own? I get so mad and so angry and I say to God "I'm sick of waiting!. Why is this so easy for so many and so hard for us?"

So my Easter was filled with joy, fun, anger, tears, disappointment and impatients.

I am a strange person. I can pull it together when I need to. And more than that, it's not hard. I just switch. I wasn't pretending to be happy yesterday as I taught the kids, as I goofed around with friends, as I laughed about Bear Gril latest disguisting antics over dinner. It was real. I've gotten so used to this double life it's like there are two mes. One- Belinda (my real name) who everyone knows is confident and together and friendly and happy. And then, Lady Grey- who cries and screams and thinks- "Can I really get through tomorrow?".

I am a people person, and when I am around my friends and particularly those God has given me to care for, I am okay.

But when the people leave, it hits me again, and I just ask the same question Earl and I have been asking God since Thumper. "When will our time of mourning end?"
LG

BFN :'(

After the initial tears and shock, we are mainly just feeling flat. We really, really thought this one might have worked. But it didn't. We have named our precious little one "Easter" for obviously reasons.

I am, strangely, still filled with hope and trust in God. I know for me it always takes a little while for the news to sink in, but at least for the moment I feel okay. I feel the love of God despite the circumstances.

Earl and I went out for Dumplings, which is standard fare on sad-IVF days. They are for us the ultimate comfort food.

Please pray for us as we head towards tomorrow. I have so church related commitments tomorrow, and it's going to be a tough day. And please pray that this is the end, pray that our next little one we can hold in our arms this side of heaven! We are so tired of saying goodbye!

Now I'm off to watch a distracting movie with my Earl, who is the most wonderful man I know. I don't know how I could survive days like today without him.
Thanks for your prayers,
LG

BFN

Strange how things work.

Before properly starting my stim cycle- five days after I start my first meds, I have a pregnancy test to make sure I'm not "spontaneously pregnant".

And even though I know the result will be negative, even though I hold out very little hope.

It always sucks.

How great to not have to go through another stim cycle.

But even more, how great to have a baby.
love Lady Grey