I am sorry friends I have not been very good at commenting on blogs this week. I have not had much time on the computer. I can't really aford this time, but I will briefly indulge because I feel like I should be recording what is happening. After all, i am in the dreaded 2 week wait, and I am thinking lots of things, even if I haven't had time to write it down.
This cycle is so strange. For two reasons. One-day 2 transfer. Two- two embryo transfer.
Number one is weird because for the first 2 days I knew that best case scenario my ebryos were just hanging out in my uterus, growing. Normally with a blastocyst transfer they would still be in a dish, so all this is strange. I'm used to knowing where my embabies are up to! I imagine what is happening, I commentate and pray through it. Now to eight cells my lovelies, now to blastyocist. Start to hatch. It is just weird. Not we are hinting the point where they are either attaching or they aren't. Weird. Just so different from normal.
Plus the two. The plural. It's just so strange to think about it. To think that I'm not just aiming for a BFP, but two heart beats. I flow between dreams about having two babies (which take turns in my heads being different genders, first girl girl, then girl boy, then boy boy), and worrying that one will make it and othe other won't, to worrying if I loose them will it be even hard becuase there are two.
It's all so strange.
All in all I am incredibly positive. It seems surreal that in a week and a weekend I will know the outcome.
Praying for lots of you, going through hard things, going through cycles, going through miracles. I was going to post on your blogs, but I've been hit with a wave of exhaustion. Think it's time to rest. But I'll reply soon.
Love LG
Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Being my own therapist
There is a saying, I learnt it through being involved in church work, but I'm sure it can apply elsewhere. The expression is "Do yourself out of a job". The idea is that you train people around you in such a way that soon you create enough mini-you's to make yourself redundant.
Anyway, today was my first day of seeing one of the new therapists at my new clinic. My new clinic has about 8 different therapist and they are considered to be one of the best infertility counselling services in Australia.
But I miss my old therapist!
Part of the issue is the different doctors opinions are influencing the attitude of the therapist. My Old therapist was able to say "No doctors are saying you can never have kids". My new therapist can't really say that, because my new doctor has raised it as a possibility. She was encouraging, she let me talk, and she was very sympathic to how hard the situation was, and very positive about how well I am doing. I talked alot about SIL and BFF being pregnant, I don't think I realised until that conversation just how much it was affecting me.
But she couldn't give me hope, she could only give me band-aids. She said that we wouldn't be doing IVF if there was no chance, and that was helpful. But it wasn't hopeful. I walked out of the meeting so sad, because my old therapist always made me feel more hopeful.
But I realised as the day progressed that my old therapist had in some ways done herself out of a job.
I could hear her in my head. I could hear her saying that Thumper was a good sign. That I was young. That just because IVF hasn't worked, doesn't mean it won't work. That new clinics can sometimes make the difference, something about what they do might help. That other people's roads are not my road. That as much as I hate waiting that a child, some child is in my future. I can hear her in our last ever conversation saying "This isn't in anyway scientific, but I still hold great hope for you to get pregnant".
And I felt better, without even talking to her.
LG
Anyway, today was my first day of seeing one of the new therapists at my new clinic. My new clinic has about 8 different therapist and they are considered to be one of the best infertility counselling services in Australia.
But I miss my old therapist!
Part of the issue is the different doctors opinions are influencing the attitude of the therapist. My Old therapist was able to say "No doctors are saying you can never have kids". My new therapist can't really say that, because my new doctor has raised it as a possibility. She was encouraging, she let me talk, and she was very sympathic to how hard the situation was, and very positive about how well I am doing. I talked alot about SIL and BFF being pregnant, I don't think I realised until that conversation just how much it was affecting me.
But she couldn't give me hope, she could only give me band-aids. She said that we wouldn't be doing IVF if there was no chance, and that was helpful. But it wasn't hopeful. I walked out of the meeting so sad, because my old therapist always made me feel more hopeful.
But I realised as the day progressed that my old therapist had in some ways done herself out of a job.
I could hear her in my head. I could hear her saying that Thumper was a good sign. That I was young. That just because IVF hasn't worked, doesn't mean it won't work. That new clinics can sometimes make the difference, something about what they do might help. That other people's roads are not my road. That as much as I hate waiting that a child, some child is in my future. I can hear her in our last ever conversation saying "This isn't in anyway scientific, but I still hold great hope for you to get pregnant".
And I felt better, without even talking to her.
LG
Sunday, January 29, 2012
The Beginning of the End
There is a certain unrest that has settled in our beautiful little home. An elephant in the room. We don't really want to talk about it too much, its easier to just do the things we need to do, to have fun, to distract ourselves. But it is still there. Our IVF appointments start on Wednesday.
In many ways it should be a good thing. Here is another chance. Here is another go. We got Thumper through IVF. Maybe this time we will have a pregnancy that lasts.
But it's hard to be positive after our last appointment. And it's hard to be positive with the process ahead of us.
I think IVF is just wonderful, theoretically. And there are lots of kids who are very precious to me who were created through IVF, not the least my little embryos and Thumper. But it is a hard road when you are long time unsucessful like us.
And it is compounded because our new clinic wants to do genetic testing on our embryos. It makes sense, we know that there is either a problem with our embryos or a problem with my Uterus. Genetic testing is the most advance way to check if the problem is embryo related. BUT ITS SO DARN COMPLICATED. I realise not everyone will have the same attitude as us, but we are keen to give any embryo a chance at life, even if there is something "wrong" with it. While our clinic is theoretically okay with that, it is these appointments where this gets sorted, these where we fight those battles. And we will fight them, but we just wish it wasn't necessary. We wish things hadn't got to this point.
And the possible outcomes. Either nothing is wrong with any of the embryos, and we are left with a faulty uterus (which we might be able to solve, but might not). Or there is something wrong, and we are faced with multiple IVF cycles with babies who are unlikely to make it anyway. Tough. And then perhaps Embryo donation which we are excited about but then again...complicated.
I always want to be pregnant. Every month. But my period is due at any moment and I am willing it far away! Because I can deal with complicated. But I'm sick of complicated. I want normal.
I caught up with BFF, and a mutual close friend, who was visiting from the states. Mutual friend told us she is pregnant with number 2. When my first close friend got pregnant (before we were trying) and I was a bit sad that I wasn't pregnant with her, my bff commented that maybe I would be pregnant with them. Well that has proven not to be the case. And it breaks my heart. I feel so left behind.
And yet...
One of my favourite blogs at the moment is one of a triplet Mum, called "Zero to 3 in 40 weeks" at here. The title always gives me hope. I feel so lost, so forsaken by God, so different from all those around me, who either have babies or hope. But when I see that title I remember that in this fight, things happen quickly. I could have one or two babies this time next year. I could have 3 babies in less than 40 weeks. You just never know.
I just have to keep hoping. Even those these appointments feel like the beginning of the end.
LG
In many ways it should be a good thing. Here is another chance. Here is another go. We got Thumper through IVF. Maybe this time we will have a pregnancy that lasts.
But it's hard to be positive after our last appointment. And it's hard to be positive with the process ahead of us.
I think IVF is just wonderful, theoretically. And there are lots of kids who are very precious to me who were created through IVF, not the least my little embryos and Thumper. But it is a hard road when you are long time unsucessful like us.
And it is compounded because our new clinic wants to do genetic testing on our embryos. It makes sense, we know that there is either a problem with our embryos or a problem with my Uterus. Genetic testing is the most advance way to check if the problem is embryo related. BUT ITS SO DARN COMPLICATED. I realise not everyone will have the same attitude as us, but we are keen to give any embryo a chance at life, even if there is something "wrong" with it. While our clinic is theoretically okay with that, it is these appointments where this gets sorted, these where we fight those battles. And we will fight them, but we just wish it wasn't necessary. We wish things hadn't got to this point.
And the possible outcomes. Either nothing is wrong with any of the embryos, and we are left with a faulty uterus (which we might be able to solve, but might not). Or there is something wrong, and we are faced with multiple IVF cycles with babies who are unlikely to make it anyway. Tough. And then perhaps Embryo donation which we are excited about but then again...complicated.
I always want to be pregnant. Every month. But my period is due at any moment and I am willing it far away! Because I can deal with complicated. But I'm sick of complicated. I want normal.
I caught up with BFF, and a mutual close friend, who was visiting from the states. Mutual friend told us she is pregnant with number 2. When my first close friend got pregnant (before we were trying) and I was a bit sad that I wasn't pregnant with her, my bff commented that maybe I would be pregnant with them. Well that has proven not to be the case. And it breaks my heart. I feel so left behind.
And yet...
One of my favourite blogs at the moment is one of a triplet Mum, called "Zero to 3 in 40 weeks" at here. The title always gives me hope. I feel so lost, so forsaken by God, so different from all those around me, who either have babies or hope. But when I see that title I remember that in this fight, things happen quickly. I could have one or two babies this time next year. I could have 3 babies in less than 40 weeks. You just never know.
I just have to keep hoping. Even those these appointments feel like the beginning of the end.
LG
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Quick
Hi Friends,
Thanks so much for your support. I feel bad getting all silly- I do not want to be that kind of blogger, who gets stressed about lack of comments. But I was in a bad place, and I appreciate your gracious reactions to my paranoia :)
Better place now. We have packed up our house, today is my last day in my current job and in two days we get in the car and drive home. I only experienced a year of IF in my home town (and technically then it wasn't IF but TTC), and I am looking forward to facing this struggle with family and close friends there to support us. I am petrified of many things, but I am hopeful. 2012 has become a great beacon of hope for Earl and I. Earl keeps saying "It can't be worse that this year". I know it can, we could get the dreaded "You will never have kids". But I am choosing to hope, to be excited, to go into this year not in passive despair but in hopeful anticipation, that whatever happens I can CHOOSE to make the best of it.
I have soo much to do today, I shouldn't really be blogging. But its an emotional day, and I think today of all days I have a right to do what I want to do as well as what I need to do.
I am struck by the world that many of you are in, preparing for first time cycles, hoping for good news, trying your best to get through the 2 week wait. I am thinking of you and praying so hard for lots of happy news and success.
love LG
Thanks so much for your support. I feel bad getting all silly- I do not want to be that kind of blogger, who gets stressed about lack of comments. But I was in a bad place, and I appreciate your gracious reactions to my paranoia :)
Better place now. We have packed up our house, today is my last day in my current job and in two days we get in the car and drive home. I only experienced a year of IF in my home town (and technically then it wasn't IF but TTC), and I am looking forward to facing this struggle with family and close friends there to support us. I am petrified of many things, but I am hopeful. 2012 has become a great beacon of hope for Earl and I. Earl keeps saying "It can't be worse that this year". I know it can, we could get the dreaded "You will never have kids". But I am choosing to hope, to be excited, to go into this year not in passive despair but in hopeful anticipation, that whatever happens I can CHOOSE to make the best of it.
I have soo much to do today, I shouldn't really be blogging. But its an emotional day, and I think today of all days I have a right to do what I want to do as well as what I need to do.
I am struck by the world that many of you are in, preparing for first time cycles, hoping for good news, trying your best to get through the 2 week wait. I am thinking of you and praying so hard for lots of happy news and success.
love LG
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Dealing with hopes dashed
One of the hardest things about disappointment after such hopeful moments is that you have to reorientate your thinking.
Once again, I have to think about job hunting, when for a while I thought I'd be having a kid instead.
Once again, I have to face Christmas with all my relatives going gaga over my sister-in-laws belly, without a belly of my own to secretly celebrate.
Once again, I have to face moving, and packing and a really hard week, all with IF underlying it.
But I won't stop believing that my life will be good. I had a few days of possibilities, and I am not giving up that I can have that again. Next time I hope with those possibilities becoming realities.
LG
Once again, I have to think about job hunting, when for a while I thought I'd be having a kid instead.
Once again, I have to face Christmas with all my relatives going gaga over my sister-in-laws belly, without a belly of my own to secretly celebrate.
Once again, I have to face moving, and packing and a really hard week, all with IF underlying it.
But I won't stop believing that my life will be good. I had a few days of possibilities, and I am not giving up that I can have that again. Next time I hope with those possibilities becoming realities.
LG
Friday, December 2, 2011
Day 45
A few days ago, just after my last post I think, Earl gave me a call. He had some bad news. I won't go into what it was (it wasn't terrible bad, it was just frustrating bad), but his question was "Is History repeating itself?". You see, he had very similar frustrating news a year ago. A year ago when we were pregnant with Thumper.
I assured him of what he really already knew, that just because this thing had happened, and then we lost Thumper- does not mean that we are going to loose this baby if we are pregnant, just because the same thing had happened again. History was not repeating- things are so different this year.
I did the calculations on the web in terms of when my periods was, and how long my cycles normally go. If I am pregnant (and I am more and more sure that I am), then the baby would be due within days of Thumper's due date anniversary. It is in many ways history repeating itself. That is a scary thought, but it is also an amazing thought- it makes me associate this pregnancy and this baby with my beloved Thumper in a very precious way. And it makes the miracle of a completely unexpected pregnancy feel even more like a gift.
Praying this little one that might be growing inside me can stay with us forever!
Day 44 was a little bit traumatic. When calculating at first I miscalculated and thought that I was actually day 37- which of course is no where near as exciting! But after recalculating and confirming (by this blog!) when my period was, I was able to confirm that I was right. So that makes today 45- incredible!
Also, before I went to bed- I had a slight touch of very, very pale brown spotting. Earl and I both very sick and pretty scared.
An hour later, it was gone, and this morning it is gone and I feel pretty nauseous. So I am not to dwell on it. But I think very soon (maybe after the weekend) it is time for a test, and I suspect Earl will agree with me.
Pray for me!
LG
update: I vomited! Earl said from the other room "Is it wrong that for me that was a happy sound?". Too early for a chemist to be open but we will test today and if its positive see about getting a beta for Monday
I assured him of what he really already knew, that just because this thing had happened, and then we lost Thumper- does not mean that we are going to loose this baby if we are pregnant, just because the same thing had happened again. History was not repeating- things are so different this year.
I did the calculations on the web in terms of when my periods was, and how long my cycles normally go. If I am pregnant (and I am more and more sure that I am), then the baby would be due within days of Thumper's due date anniversary. It is in many ways history repeating itself. That is a scary thought, but it is also an amazing thought- it makes me associate this pregnancy and this baby with my beloved Thumper in a very precious way. And it makes the miracle of a completely unexpected pregnancy feel even more like a gift.
Praying this little one that might be growing inside me can stay with us forever!
Day 44 was a little bit traumatic. When calculating at first I miscalculated and thought that I was actually day 37- which of course is no where near as exciting! But after recalculating and confirming (by this blog!) when my period was, I was able to confirm that I was right. So that makes today 45- incredible!
Also, before I went to bed- I had a slight touch of very, very pale brown spotting. Earl and I both very sick and pretty scared.
An hour later, it was gone, and this morning it is gone and I feel pretty nauseous. So I am not to dwell on it. But I think very soon (maybe after the weekend) it is time for a test, and I suspect Earl will agree with me.
Pray for me!
LG
update: I vomited! Earl said from the other room "Is it wrong that for me that was a happy sound?". Too early for a chemist to be open but we will test today and if its positive see about getting a beta for Monday
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I was right
BFF is pregnant. 8 weeks.
Eek!
I handled it really well, in some weird way I was able to be actually happy for her during the conversation. But I've been on a rocky roller coaster of emotions since we spoke.
Im really hoping this horrible year, which just doesn't stop being hard and horrible, is the storm before the cloud clear, that this year is our horrible year and next year will be magical baby year.
LG
Eek!
I handled it really well, in some weird way I was able to be actually happy for her during the conversation. But I've been on a rocky roller coaster of emotions since we spoke.
Im really hoping this horrible year, which just doesn't stop being hard and horrible, is the storm before the cloud clear, that this year is our horrible year and next year will be magical baby year.
LG
Sunday, October 23, 2011
The brighter side of a two week wait
I've been living in a bit of a dream land these last few days.
Blissfully happy. Knowing that there could be a pregnancy going on inside my belly. I think the reason I am so happy now and so miserable usually is because in the past I had heaps of different negative pregnancy experiences rushing through my head but this time all I can think about was this same stage when I was pregnant with Thumper. It was the same time of year, I had the same bloated belly and the same timeline of just waiting to bleed and if I didn't bleed, well, that is a reasonable sign that the blood test would come back good. I also had this unexpected feeling of hope. I've been enjoying the possibility that things are happening as I dream they would- and we would once again have a pregnancy.
It hit me a little bit today that I am moving from the bright to the hard side of the two week wait. Yes, this first week is a time of not knowing and waiting. But it's a time when there is no chance of bleeding. It is a time when there is no bad news that can come. It is just the lovely possibility of good news.
Now I am hitting the week where I could bleed, where the bloating could pass.
But I'm also approaching the time when I could get a BFPs.
LG
Blissfully happy. Knowing that there could be a pregnancy going on inside my belly. I think the reason I am so happy now and so miserable usually is because in the past I had heaps of different negative pregnancy experiences rushing through my head but this time all I can think about was this same stage when I was pregnant with Thumper. It was the same time of year, I had the same bloated belly and the same timeline of just waiting to bleed and if I didn't bleed, well, that is a reasonable sign that the blood test would come back good. I also had this unexpected feeling of hope. I've been enjoying the possibility that things are happening as I dream they would- and we would once again have a pregnancy.
It hit me a little bit today that I am moving from the bright to the hard side of the two week wait. Yes, this first week is a time of not knowing and waiting. But it's a time when there is no chance of bleeding. It is a time when there is no bad news that can come. It is just the lovely possibility of good news.
Now I am hitting the week where I could bleed, where the bloating could pass.
But I'm also approaching the time when I could get a BFPs.
LG
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Transfer day, and then there was one
Transfer has happened. The most amazingly wonderful medical miracle in the world, that they can put a little embryo inside me, and it is the simpliest quickest procedure. It makes me laugh.
I am trying to stay positive, but our second embryo has not continued to grow. They are giving it another day, but its not looking good. So I am positive and sad at the same time
And then there was one.
"It only takes one" said the Accupuncturalist. Yes, for many people it only takes one. But for me it's much more.
Hoping that this one is one that we can keep.
If you are a prayer, please pray especially hard for us.
love LG
I am trying to stay positive, but our second embryo has not continued to grow. They are giving it another day, but its not looking good. So I am positive and sad at the same time
And then there was one.
"It only takes one" said the Accupuncturalist. Yes, for many people it only takes one. But for me it's much more.
Hoping that this one is one that we can keep.
If you are a prayer, please pray especially hard for us.
love LG
Saturday, October 15, 2011
To Thumper, and good news
Two of our little eggs fertilised.
I am so happy.
I know that two fertilisations don't gareentee two little embryos by Wednesday but it is looking good. I am incredibly thankful to God for this answered prayer.
And I am thankful to God for Thumper. Yesterday was Baby Loss Awareness day. And praise God, Yesterday was a good Thumper day. A day where all I felt was love and joy for the little one that I had, and not the terrible achey horribleness.
And on this day too, I want to acknowledge all my little embryos. I know I talk about Thumper alot more than them, but that doesn't mean I don't love them and miss them and think of them.
To all my babies- Mummy loves you and is proud to have given you life, even for such a short while!
Praying so hard for our two new little babies :)
LG
I am so happy.
I know that two fertilisations don't gareentee two little embryos by Wednesday but it is looking good. I am incredibly thankful to God for this answered prayer.
And I am thankful to God for Thumper. Yesterday was Baby Loss Awareness day. And praise God, Yesterday was a good Thumper day. A day where all I felt was love and joy for the little one that I had, and not the terrible achey horribleness.
And on this day too, I want to acknowledge all my little embryos. I know I talk about Thumper alot more than them, but that doesn't mean I don't love them and miss them and think of them.
To all my babies- Mummy loves you and is proud to have given you life, even for such a short while!
Praying so hard for our two new little babies :)
LG
Monday, August 22, 2011
Some more thoughts on the SSP and next steps
I have now had nearly had 24 hours to process my SSP.
IT is still really hard to know how to think.
In many ways, I feel exactly as I did before the beta. There is a chance that I will have a baby, there is a chance we will not. There is no finality or answers. It is just a continuation of the unknown.
But at the same time it is also very different, because of what it might mean.
The weird cramps and the unusual amount of bloating has a reason behind it. And whatever happens, we have another implantation. My evil killer Uterus has done the right thing once again. Is it the accupunction? It is the weight loss? I don't know what caused it but something has worked.
This little one was always a slight increased risk of a biochemical pregnancy, because the "baby" bit of the embryo was quite a bit smaller than I've seen in previous embryos. But maybe there is a baby still there and growing, it just needs to catch up a bit?
I don't know.
Praying like crazy. Have to wait until Thursday for my next beta, to see if it doubles or increases to the rates they expect.
But I'm still bloated and still haven't bleed, which is much more than I can say from the last time this happened.
Really praying this baby makes it,
LG
IT is still really hard to know how to think.
In many ways, I feel exactly as I did before the beta. There is a chance that I will have a baby, there is a chance we will not. There is no finality or answers. It is just a continuation of the unknown.
But at the same time it is also very different, because of what it might mean.
The weird cramps and the unusual amount of bloating has a reason behind it. And whatever happens, we have another implantation. My evil killer Uterus has done the right thing once again. Is it the accupunction? It is the weight loss? I don't know what caused it but something has worked.
This little one was always a slight increased risk of a biochemical pregnancy, because the "baby" bit of the embryo was quite a bit smaller than I've seen in previous embryos. But maybe there is a baby still there and growing, it just needs to catch up a bit?
I don't know.
Praying like crazy. Have to wait until Thursday for my next beta, to see if it doubles or increases to the rates they expect.
But I'm still bloated and still haven't bleed, which is much more than I can say from the last time this happened.
Really praying this baby makes it,
LG
Sunday, August 21, 2011
SSP
I'm making up a new word.
A Small Skinny Positive.
That is what I got.
The beta was 37, when a BFP would be over 100. As the nurse said, it's a mixed result. It's not a good result, but people do occasionally go on to have pregnancies after such low results.
So I really don't know how to think. This has happened before, we had a 20 beta last year. It doubled as it should for a while, but then died out.
I'm not sad, I'm not devastated.
But I'm not happy either. It's all just weird and strange. I really want this baby to survive.
Please pray,
LG
A Small Skinny Positive.
That is what I got.
The beta was 37, when a BFP would be over 100. As the nurse said, it's a mixed result. It's not a good result, but people do occasionally go on to have pregnancies after such low results.
So I really don't know how to think. This has happened before, we had a 20 beta last year. It doubled as it should for a while, but then died out.
I'm not sad, I'm not devastated.
But I'm not happy either. It's all just weird and strange. I really want this baby to survive.
Please pray,
LG
Results in 5 and a half hours
Beta day.
I really don't know what to think. I haven't had any bleeding this time, which has only happened twice (once with Thumper, and my first frozen natural cycle which was still a BFN). I am getting cramps, but they are weird pelvic ones, which my acupuncturist recons could be a reaction to progesterone. But I don't know. I am definitely quite bloated, I am more pimply than normal, but these are all period signs as well as pregnancy signs. Grrrrr....
I don't want to get excited, because with no more little embies from Thumpers batch this will hit harder than it normally does (which is still hard). But its difficult not to hope when with no bleeding I at least feel like it's a chance.
We've talked more with the family about my nephew. The information seems to be from the doctors that it is unlikely he will survive the womb, though there is a chance. They have a scan this week to find out more. Every one's pretty sad. We are with them next weekend, which will be an important family time.
Five and a half hours to go.
LG
I really don't know what to think. I haven't had any bleeding this time, which has only happened twice (once with Thumper, and my first frozen natural cycle which was still a BFN). I am getting cramps, but they are weird pelvic ones, which my acupuncturist recons could be a reaction to progesterone. But I don't know. I am definitely quite bloated, I am more pimply than normal, but these are all period signs as well as pregnancy signs. Grrrrr....
I don't want to get excited, because with no more little embies from Thumpers batch this will hit harder than it normally does (which is still hard). But its difficult not to hope when with no bleeding I at least feel like it's a chance.
We've talked more with the family about my nephew. The information seems to be from the doctors that it is unlikely he will survive the womb, though there is a chance. They have a scan this week to find out more. Every one's pretty sad. We are with them next weekend, which will be an important family time.
Five and a half hours to go.
LG
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I don't want another Stim cycle
Getting to the nervy part of the 2 week wait, where you over analyse every queasy feeling and every cramp. Where every trip to the toilet is a nightmare because you are so scared of tell-tale blood. Where you want so much to have a baby inside you, where you feel so attached and yet you just don't know if you are attached to someone who is already gone.
One thing that I am really conscious of this time is that we are on our last embie. Which is sad because I was so sure that one of Thumper's little buddies would have stayed. It's scary, scary that despite a pregnancy it still seems so hard for me to get pregnant.
And I don't want to do another cycle. As I wince with pain over my Clexane needle I think- I DON"T WANT TO DO ANOTHER STIM CYCLE! I don't want three different needles to poke into me. I don't want the fear before-hand. I don't want the bloated belly. I am happy to do anything to have a baby but one reason I want this to work (lowest on the list of course but it still makes it) is because I just want to be pregnant and to not have to do IVF anymore.
It's been so long. It's just been so long and so hard and I want it to end. I'm not ready to stop trying. But I just want a baby.
Please?
LG
One thing that I am really conscious of this time is that we are on our last embie. Which is sad because I was so sure that one of Thumper's little buddies would have stayed. It's scary, scary that despite a pregnancy it still seems so hard for me to get pregnant.
And I don't want to do another cycle. As I wince with pain over my Clexane needle I think- I DON"T WANT TO DO ANOTHER STIM CYCLE! I don't want three different needles to poke into me. I don't want the fear before-hand. I don't want the bloated belly. I am happy to do anything to have a baby but one reason I want this to work (lowest on the list of course but it still makes it) is because I just want to be pregnant and to not have to do IVF anymore.
It's been so long. It's just been so long and so hard and I want it to end. I'm not ready to stop trying. But I just want a baby.
Please?
LG
Friday, August 12, 2011
A proud Moment
Ever since I found out Earl sister is having a baby, I've been feeling better and better about it, and more and more excited. I know part of it is that we are two week waiting and I have all these romantic dreams of being pregnant with her and our kids being the best of friends ;P
But there is still a lot of hardness wrapped up inside it, for all that. 5 days after the beta I will be seeing her and celebrating her birthday. I'm preparing myself that this will be a hard time.
I've left messages on her phone, we've facebook messaged each other, and I'm hoping to call her today. Partly just to find out details- Earl was so shocked when she called he didn't ask. They haven't told 'the public' yet, so I'm assuming it's still pre-12 weeks.
And though I'm excited about moving back home, and very happy that I will be living near by when my niece/nephew is born, I'm not looking forward to the many months of pregnant belly watching that will be ahead of me. So funny, belly's are so hard, though babies are so cute and lovely, I can cope with them.
Anyway, onto my proud moment.
CS Lewis (I think) says that the best way to grow in love when you are struggling to love someone is to show love. So when you know you should love someone but your angry or jealous instead, do something nice for them and you will feel happy about them. This has been my philosophy for many years. It became a joke in our first year of marriage, because I would bring my husband a bowl of ice-cream for no reason and he would say "What have I done this time?"
So I've been thinking of ways I can care for my sister-in-law, partly because I love her and my niece/nephew and I want to keep the relationship good, and partly because I know it will help me to deal with the next 7-8 months better if I can feel love towards her.
Some things I am thinking of doing is maybe knitting something for her baby, maybe throwing her a baby shower (I don't know if that is just too hard). But I want to buy someone for them for their baby.
I went to a baby kingdom shop two weeks ago. I was in their for about 30 seconds, but then I had to leave there crying. It was just too hard. It had been so long and having a baby still felt so far away. It seems so wrong, so wrong that we had been trying before she and her husband got engaged, and here she was with her baby on the way and my arms were still empty. So hard that Thumper could have been with me that day, in my arms!
Yesterday, I was going past that same shop.
I took a deep breath, and tried again.
I managed to walk through the whole shop. I even picked up a few items and was shocked at how expensive baby things are! I didn't find anything to get them, but I walked about of the shop with a tear free face.
I felt proud.
And my love for my niece/nephew and their mother grew that little bit stronger.
LG
But there is still a lot of hardness wrapped up inside it, for all that. 5 days after the beta I will be seeing her and celebrating her birthday. I'm preparing myself that this will be a hard time.
I've left messages on her phone, we've facebook messaged each other, and I'm hoping to call her today. Partly just to find out details- Earl was so shocked when she called he didn't ask. They haven't told 'the public' yet, so I'm assuming it's still pre-12 weeks.
And though I'm excited about moving back home, and very happy that I will be living near by when my niece/nephew is born, I'm not looking forward to the many months of pregnant belly watching that will be ahead of me. So funny, belly's are so hard, though babies are so cute and lovely, I can cope with them.
Anyway, onto my proud moment.
CS Lewis (I think) says that the best way to grow in love when you are struggling to love someone is to show love. So when you know you should love someone but your angry or jealous instead, do something nice for them and you will feel happy about them. This has been my philosophy for many years. It became a joke in our first year of marriage, because I would bring my husband a bowl of ice-cream for no reason and he would say "What have I done this time?"
So I've been thinking of ways I can care for my sister-in-law, partly because I love her and my niece/nephew and I want to keep the relationship good, and partly because I know it will help me to deal with the next 7-8 months better if I can feel love towards her.
Some things I am thinking of doing is maybe knitting something for her baby, maybe throwing her a baby shower (I don't know if that is just too hard). But I want to buy someone for them for their baby.
I went to a baby kingdom shop two weeks ago. I was in their for about 30 seconds, but then I had to leave there crying. It was just too hard. It had been so long and having a baby still felt so far away. It seems so wrong, so wrong that we had been trying before she and her husband got engaged, and here she was with her baby on the way and my arms were still empty. So hard that Thumper could have been with me that day, in my arms!
Yesterday, I was going past that same shop.
I took a deep breath, and tried again.
I managed to walk through the whole shop. I even picked up a few items and was shocked at how expensive baby things are! I didn't find anything to get them, but I walked about of the shop with a tear free face.
I felt proud.
And my love for my niece/nephew and their mother grew that little bit stronger.
LG
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
The trauma of Happy/Sad news
We got the call last night. The call that I have been stressing and dreading for the last three years.
Earl's sister is pregnant.
What happy/sad news. Seriously- I can't put it another way. It is so happy/sad. It is not sad. It is not happy. I am thrilled and I am devastated.
It is so weird because I know this little one is going to be the most precious baby to me in the world- other than my own kids. This is my neice or nephew!
But it seriously feels like I've been punched in the face (Thumpers due date) and then kicked in the guts (this news). I pray every day for a baby. But sometimes I add a little post script "Please, please, please, whatever happens, please let us have a baby before Earl's sister". In the time that we have been trying each side of the family has had someone who has had "The first great-grandchild". Who has not been us. Now the first Grandchild is gone too.
Another case of a prayer being answered with no.
In very good timing, I read this wonderful post about these kind of situations here. It helped me. Because I always feel so guilty about how I feel about other pregnancies. But it's another thing that Infertility robs you of. The chance to be truly joyful for your friends.
I am encouraged that so many of you who blog have such wonderful relationships with your neices and nephews. I pray for the same.
Please pray for me. It's getting really hard.
LG
Earl's sister is pregnant.
What happy/sad news. Seriously- I can't put it another way. It is so happy/sad. It is not sad. It is not happy. I am thrilled and I am devastated.
It is so weird because I know this little one is going to be the most precious baby to me in the world- other than my own kids. This is my neice or nephew!
But it seriously feels like I've been punched in the face (Thumpers due date) and then kicked in the guts (this news). I pray every day for a baby. But sometimes I add a little post script "Please, please, please, whatever happens, please let us have a baby before Earl's sister". In the time that we have been trying each side of the family has had someone who has had "The first great-grandchild". Who has not been us. Now the first Grandchild is gone too.
Another case of a prayer being answered with no.
In very good timing, I read this wonderful post about these kind of situations here. It helped me. Because I always feel so guilty about how I feel about other pregnancies. But it's another thing that Infertility robs you of. The chance to be truly joyful for your friends.
I am encouraged that so many of you who blog have such wonderful relationships with your neices and nephews. I pray for the same.
Please pray for me. It's getting really hard.
LG
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Where we are at?
Aunty Flo is due sometime next week.
I am praying for a miracle, and I am alot more hopeful than I've been for a while on a ordinary-persons cycle, but I am still planning for the AF future.
The difficult thing is that in the middle of July I have probably the biggest event of the year for work. I am running and coordinating a Kids program with 22 volunteers (including lots of teenagers we are training up), and 65 kids for three days. While everything else I can delegate or put off for a transfer, this just isn't one of them. So when AF does make her appearance I have to do a big calculation and think as to whether there is any chance of transfer having at the same time as the kids program. Because if there is, I will really have to wait another cycle before trying our last little Embie.
I'm hoping to do acupuncture too, particularly in the lead up to the tranfer. But I found out that my private health insurance doesn't cover it, and it is quite expensive. So Earl and I are still in discussions about it. I think we will still go ahead, but it won't be able to be too regular a thing, maybe just around the actual transfers.
Earl's struggling. I feel like I've had time to recover from our conversation on the weekend. Earl hasn't. He is feeling very raw and weak, and I don't always know how to encourage him (though he says I'm doing a good job- yay!). He said to me, "If only we got pregnant and had a kid it would all be okay".
I know what he means. I think that all the time. It would be a huge answer to the millions of questions we are dealing with at the moment. But at the same time, one of the biggest things that came to me as we talked as this: "God is still God even if we never get pregnant". It's hard to hold onto, when we want something so desperately, but it's true. It will be okay, because God is still with us, whatever happens.
Please pray for us and please pray for Earl.
LG
I am praying for a miracle, and I am alot more hopeful than I've been for a while on a ordinary-persons cycle, but I am still planning for the AF future.
The difficult thing is that in the middle of July I have probably the biggest event of the year for work. I am running and coordinating a Kids program with 22 volunteers (including lots of teenagers we are training up), and 65 kids for three days. While everything else I can delegate or put off for a transfer, this just isn't one of them. So when AF does make her appearance I have to do a big calculation and think as to whether there is any chance of transfer having at the same time as the kids program. Because if there is, I will really have to wait another cycle before trying our last little Embie.
I'm hoping to do acupuncture too, particularly in the lead up to the tranfer. But I found out that my private health insurance doesn't cover it, and it is quite expensive. So Earl and I are still in discussions about it. I think we will still go ahead, but it won't be able to be too regular a thing, maybe just around the actual transfers.
Earl's struggling. I feel like I've had time to recover from our conversation on the weekend. Earl hasn't. He is feeling very raw and weak, and I don't always know how to encourage him (though he says I'm doing a good job- yay!). He said to me, "If only we got pregnant and had a kid it would all be okay".
I know what he means. I think that all the time. It would be a huge answer to the millions of questions we are dealing with at the moment. But at the same time, one of the biggest things that came to me as we talked as this: "God is still God even if we never get pregnant". It's hard to hold onto, when we want something so desperately, but it's true. It will be okay, because God is still with us, whatever happens.
Please pray for us and please pray for Earl.
LG
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Terrible night, and hopefully not TMI
As part of my natural cycle the doctors have given me one progesterone pessarie to insert once a day. It's not a big dose, just something to help things along. Anyway, I take it at 11pm, which means that sometimes I'll go to bed early and my alarm will go off on my phone to let me know that I need to get up, go down stairs to the fridge, get out a pressary, and then go back upstairs.
Last night I woke up at 3:30am and realised, I couldn't remember putting it in!
Panic stations!
I rushed down stairs and counted my pessaries in the fridge. I was pretty sure the number suggested I hadn't put it in, but I wasn't sure.
And um (this is the TMI part) phyically there was more mosixture than I would expect if I hadn't put it in.
I didn't know what to do! I had evidence that I had and evidence that I hadn't.
Poor Earl was woken up, but he was no help. He couldn't remember if I'd gotten up. I knew it was possible that I got up and put it in but was so tired I didn't recall it, but I didn't want to take a chance.
I decided to go with the physical signs and not do anything, but to go to the clinic first thing in the morning to get their advice.
But I lay in bed for at least an hour asking "Have I killed my baby?".
I hate, hate, hate, hate the idea that my baby might be being kept alive by medicine that by my own stupidity or just circumstances I might not take. It is just so much pressure and so hard.
Last night at Bible study someone commented on one girls growing baby belly. The girl looked embarrassed and said "I'm not doing anything, it just happens"
But for me it doesn't just happen, it takes Meds, and the idea that my precious baby might be dead because my alarm might not have woken me up was unbearable.
I went to the clinic and the nurse told me it was okay, but to go home and put in a pessary just in case. Too much won't hurt, and as my body is still making it's own progesterone it should be alright with the morning dose added in to tide me over until tonight.
I feel like an incredible weight has been lifted off.
I don't know what the point of this post is except that IVF is hard and its hard in ways that they don't tell you in books or in your doctors appointments.
5 days until beta
LG
Last night I woke up at 3:30am and realised, I couldn't remember putting it in!
Panic stations!
I rushed down stairs and counted my pessaries in the fridge. I was pretty sure the number suggested I hadn't put it in, but I wasn't sure.
And um (this is the TMI part) phyically there was more mosixture than I would expect if I hadn't put it in.
I didn't know what to do! I had evidence that I had and evidence that I hadn't.
Poor Earl was woken up, but he was no help. He couldn't remember if I'd gotten up. I knew it was possible that I got up and put it in but was so tired I didn't recall it, but I didn't want to take a chance.
I decided to go with the physical signs and not do anything, but to go to the clinic first thing in the morning to get their advice.
But I lay in bed for at least an hour asking "Have I killed my baby?".
I hate, hate, hate, hate the idea that my baby might be being kept alive by medicine that by my own stupidity or just circumstances I might not take. It is just so much pressure and so hard.
Last night at Bible study someone commented on one girls growing baby belly. The girl looked embarrassed and said "I'm not doing anything, it just happens"
But for me it doesn't just happen, it takes Meds, and the idea that my precious baby might be dead because my alarm might not have woken me up was unbearable.
I went to the clinic and the nurse told me it was okay, but to go home and put in a pessary just in case. Too much won't hurt, and as my body is still making it's own progesterone it should be alright with the morning dose added in to tide me over until tonight.
I feel like an incredible weight has been lifted off.
I don't know what the point of this post is except that IVF is hard and its hard in ways that they don't tell you in books or in your doctors appointments.
5 days until beta
LG
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Reflections on another birthday
I turned 31 on Friday.
Not so bad. It might have been not so bad because I know there is a possibility that our baby is still alive inside of me. Or it might be that after the huge deal of 30, 31 just doesn't seem such a big deal. In some weird way, 31 seems younger than 30, if that makes any sense.
Also, I think I am getting better at letting go of old dreams and plans and just being positive about the future. Yes I wanted to have kids before I was 30. That dream is dead. But I have time on my side, and kids I have after 30 will be as precious as any kids I could have had before. Maybe more so, because I have wanted and worked so hard for them.
I also think that I'm dealing with it better because I really do think that Pregnancy is not too far away, or at least is out of the rhelm of the impossible.
I'm been incredibly distracted this weekend, Earl and I were looking after some teenagers from church who we took to a Christian Youth convention. It was awesome and overwhelming, and having to fit our plans around pessaries was really the only thing that kept things on my mind. It was wonderful too because the theme of the convention was the Jesus is better than anything. It is an incredible thing that God has given me his very, very best. Jesus, as my Savour, Lord and Brother! It is good to remember that, because so much of the time i get so caught up in this struggle I think that a BFP is the only good thing that matters.
But there will be little to distract me this week. Earl has gone interstate for a few days, coming back the night before the beta. This week it won't be so easy to avoid thinking about it.
In God's goodness the trip away with the teens also coincided with a baby shower for a lady expecting a July baby, whose pregnancy announcement came a few weeks after we lost Thumper. I am getting better at loving her through the disappointment and jealousy- but I wasn't up to her shower. And I didn't have to be. Thank you God :)
I want my baby to live. I want a BFP. I want God to answer my prayers with a Yes, Yes, Yes.
Please, Please, Please Heavenly Father.
Amen
LG
Not so bad. It might have been not so bad because I know there is a possibility that our baby is still alive inside of me. Or it might be that after the huge deal of 30, 31 just doesn't seem such a big deal. In some weird way, 31 seems younger than 30, if that makes any sense.
Also, I think I am getting better at letting go of old dreams and plans and just being positive about the future. Yes I wanted to have kids before I was 30. That dream is dead. But I have time on my side, and kids I have after 30 will be as precious as any kids I could have had before. Maybe more so, because I have wanted and worked so hard for them.
I also think that I'm dealing with it better because I really do think that Pregnancy is not too far away, or at least is out of the rhelm of the impossible.
I'm been incredibly distracted this weekend, Earl and I were looking after some teenagers from church who we took to a Christian Youth convention. It was awesome and overwhelming, and having to fit our plans around pessaries was really the only thing that kept things on my mind. It was wonderful too because the theme of the convention was the Jesus is better than anything. It is an incredible thing that God has given me his very, very best. Jesus, as my Savour, Lord and Brother! It is good to remember that, because so much of the time i get so caught up in this struggle I think that a BFP is the only good thing that matters.
But there will be little to distract me this week. Earl has gone interstate for a few days, coming back the night before the beta. This week it won't be so easy to avoid thinking about it.
In God's goodness the trip away with the teens also coincided with a baby shower for a lady expecting a July baby, whose pregnancy announcement came a few weeks after we lost Thumper. I am getting better at loving her through the disappointment and jealousy- but I wasn't up to her shower. And I didn't have to be. Thank you God :)
I want my baby to live. I want a BFP. I want God to answer my prayers with a Yes, Yes, Yes.
Please, Please, Please Heavenly Father.
Amen
LG
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Very cute little cells
Remember how I said I was feeling overly confident and had no nerves?
Not anymore.
Last night and this morning I had a work related crisis which only resolved itself half an hour before the transfer. It really annoyed me, because every transfer I long for a stress free, relaxing day, and every time it doesn't happen. But it's all sorted now. But I suspect my over-reaction to the work issues have so much more to do with the transfer than anything else. It has happened, and I am afraid.
Earl and I have a few little "transfer traditions" (sad we have done so many that this is possible). We pray alot. We usually go out for lunch or coffee straight afterwards. And we usually talk gender- guessing what we think our little baby might be. Earl thinks it's a girl, and so do I, though he wants to wait until Ultra-sound or BFN before confirming. I said "Isn't our little baby so cute?". Earl said, ummm, not really. He's like that. He is the kind of person who is quite comfortable saying a certain baby is ugly (not to the parents of course!). His blanket honesty is actually one of his most endearing qualities believe it or not- he's so funny and straight down the line. He doesn't see the "cute" factor in a Blastocyst. But I do ;)
I have always loved my babies. But I think Thumper has made me even more aware of how incredibly human they are. I know that sounds stupid. But as I looked at the embryo, i thought- this could be my last chance to see my baby before heaven. I'm happy today, not because I think I'm in for a BFP (I'm pretty pessamistic for some reason), but because at least for the moment my baby is alive and inside of me. And that makes me happy.
I want to nick-name this little one "Pearl" because our little one is so precious. But Earl wants to wait until the Ultra sound. "Wait until the Ultra-Sound"- it just shows how different things are because of Thumper. We are actually imagining life past the blood test.
But for all that, I am still pessamistic.
Pessamistic but praying.
LG
PS I know I have spelt Pessamistic wrong- but spell checker isn't working today. So my bad spelling is revealed to the blogging world. Funny story, for the email address for this blog I was surprised hopedeferred was available as an email address. But it was only because I spelt it hopedeffered :)
Not anymore.
Last night and this morning I had a work related crisis which only resolved itself half an hour before the transfer. It really annoyed me, because every transfer I long for a stress free, relaxing day, and every time it doesn't happen. But it's all sorted now. But I suspect my over-reaction to the work issues have so much more to do with the transfer than anything else. It has happened, and I am afraid.
Earl and I have a few little "transfer traditions" (sad we have done so many that this is possible). We pray alot. We usually go out for lunch or coffee straight afterwards. And we usually talk gender- guessing what we think our little baby might be. Earl thinks it's a girl, and so do I, though he wants to wait until Ultra-sound or BFN before confirming. I said "Isn't our little baby so cute?". Earl said, ummm, not really. He's like that. He is the kind of person who is quite comfortable saying a certain baby is ugly (not to the parents of course!). His blanket honesty is actually one of his most endearing qualities believe it or not- he's so funny and straight down the line. He doesn't see the "cute" factor in a Blastocyst. But I do ;)
I have always loved my babies. But I think Thumper has made me even more aware of how incredibly human they are. I know that sounds stupid. But as I looked at the embryo, i thought- this could be my last chance to see my baby before heaven. I'm happy today, not because I think I'm in for a BFP (I'm pretty pessamistic for some reason), but because at least for the moment my baby is alive and inside of me. And that makes me happy.
I want to nick-name this little one "Pearl" because our little one is so precious. But Earl wants to wait until the Ultra sound. "Wait until the Ultra-Sound"- it just shows how different things are because of Thumper. We are actually imagining life past the blood test.
But for all that, I am still pessamistic.
Pessamistic but praying.
LG
PS I know I have spelt Pessamistic wrong- but spell checker isn't working today. So my bad spelling is revealed to the blogging world. Funny story, for the email address for this blog I was surprised hopedeferred was available as an email address. But it was only because I spelt it hopedeffered :)
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