Living in a bubble

Earl and I are living in a bubble.

Earl more than me, as he is on holidays so he is literally living in his own little world that I visit when I get home from work. We both feel incredibly lonely- but it's a weird loneliness because as much as we want to see people, we also don't want to see people.

We just don't know how we feel.

I am managing well at work. Really well. I think I have come to terms with the fact that I am a very functional emotional mess. Most of the time, whatever happens, I just do what I need to do. And I'm enjoying the relationships I have there. I am not alone. But I am either on the way to having a baby or a misscariage and I don't know which one it will be and so there is this strange distance between me and everyone except Earl- because they don't know.

I vomited again this morning. The GP assures me that is a good sign. She has given me a plan. This is what you do if Thursday goes well. This is what you do if it doesn't. So helpful. And it means rather than worrying about the future I can just wait. Each day is another gift, another day with our little one. But we want a life-time!
love Lady Grey

Back to the waiting game

We had the ultra-sound. Almost without realising it was about to happen, there was little baby with a very obvious heart beat. I couldn't believe it. It was so precious!

The ultra-sound lady took a measurement and said they were a week smaller than expected. Is that a problem? 'It sometimes happens with IVF" she said, but she reassured us.

I thought I'd ring up the clinic just to see if we should be worried at 3pm. There was no need. At 2:30 I got the call. "We got your results back and it's not looking good".

But, but, but, we saw a heart beat?!?

24 hours of hell. So, so sure the baby would go at any minute. Until I talked to the counsellor and was reassured- it still might go on. It just also might not.

And so we are back in the waiting game. And ever almost throw-up and ever day without bleeding is an answered prayer.

Three options:

-Misscarriage this week.
-Next weeks follow up ultra sound- baby hasn't grown enough this week. More waiting, more bad signs.
-Next weeks follow up ultra sound- baby has grown enough this week. Good sign. Not out of the woods. But maybe back in the normalish territory.

You can guess what I pray for.

Trying not to think about the future. Just today. And maybe the day after.
Lady Grey

U/S day

I feel like I should do a happy post.

I have been happy. Sure there has been stress and butterflies, worries that this might work- but overall it has been wonderful.

We haven't told anyone. It's so weird that only some random health professionals and us know what is going on. I had a weekend with my folks and it was like this special little scret I had, a secret that I know (God willing) will make them so happy when they find out.

I've been a little bit worried about the lack of morning sickness. I had a few gaggy days (particularly when I ate a big meal) but no vomits. So yesterday I decided not to eat straight away but to see what happened. Well it worked, I felt so gross and ran to the toilet a few times- though I kept it in. And this morning- well, not so lucky. After I vomited a few times and my sympathetic husband asked if I was alright- I joked "That wasn't as nice as I expected". After wanting something so much...and then realising it sucks! But it's definately made me feel more excited and confident about the pregnancy.

Today is Ultra Sound day. Today we will find out about the heart-beat. After this mornings "Hello Mum and Dad" moment I feel a little more excited and confident.
I am praying, praying that I will see my babies heartbeat for the first time today.
Yay
Love Lady Grey

Not what I expected

For Four years I have been picturing this moment. Being pregnant. Finally, finally being off the IF wagon. And though obviously I have been pregnant before, this is different. This is everything looking good. This is hopeful time.

And yet I'm so scared.

Today I was suffering with cramps and pain and I didn't feel sick at all. I wanted to cry. It's over, it's over I cried in my head as I went over and over to the bathroom to check for a period. There was none.

A quick, silly call to the nurse helped with my fears. My ovaries are still overly large. By liaments are stretching, my body is getting ready. This is normal.

There is a little part of me that resents that my misscarriage has made me so paranoid. But I know it's okay. It's okay to just be nervous. I will have time to rejoice at the 6 week scan. I can celebrate at the heart-beat. If it comes.

Please, please, please,
Lady Grey

Positive

I am pregnant.

I'm trying not to get too excited yet. It is the best news we could have gotten.

But I'll feel better after they test for the heart beat in two weeks time.

And the 9 week scan.

And then the 12 week scan. 12 week scan will be party time.

But there is a little, trying not to get carried away part right now. I'm pregnant.

Lady Grey

Waiting, Waiting

It's been a special week. I think it's the first time I've enjoyed the waiting. Particularly because I've convinced myself that I must be pregnant. There is no reason to think this. Yes I feel different, but for the first time I've had hcg shots instead of crinone progesterone pessaries so it is probably not unexpected that I feel tired and incredibly bloated. I pause in front of the mirror all the time and imagine being pregnant- because while my tummy has been this big before, its usually been associated with the rest of me being bigger too. Now it's just the belly and the boobs which look huge :)

I know that I might not be. Every time I go to the toilet I panic, panic, panic that there might be bleeding. Every day that goes by without it I think maybe, maybe, maybe? It's hard because the first stim cycle I bleed a week before, the second one I bleed a week before (and it ended up being a biochemical pregnancy/misscarriage so the bleeding was not the end of the pregnancy but a sign that things might not have been great). The third stim was freeze all. So it feels like something must be better. But as I said- the medication is diffferent.

I love and want this baby and pregnancy so much. Earl has asked- will you be sadder if it doesn't happen? I don't know. But I can't be dispondent. This feeling of hope is just too lovely.

A little bit of belly pain. Panic, panic, panic. Please Father. Not a period. A pregnancy.
love Lady Grey

Transfer day

It's funny how superstition can creep in during IVF treatment to the most unsupertitious people.

I woke up this morning. The sun is streaming across the trees, shadowed by the blue sky. After days and days of gloomy rain. It's a sign, it's a sign- I think to myself.

I'm still feeling so hopefully. Ridiculously hopeful. Don't know why. Maybe because I'm on different medication (can that affect your mood?)? Maybe because the misscarriage at least opened the possibility in my head of a "yes, your pregnant" answer at the end?

We got Four little embryos this time. As of Monday they were all growing pretty well- though one was looking brilliant, two were looking good, and one was a little slow. But the "scientist" seemed to be positive about all fours chances. I pray they all make it. I love them all.

I still remember my first ever transfer. We only had two eggs that fertilised. The nurse had told me- we will call you early in the morning if neither of them make it.

I woke up at 8am. I think i screamed. It was one of the happiest moments of the whole journey. God had given us a little baby to place in my belly! And even though that little one didn't stay (I named her Elizabeth)- I still look back at that moment with great fondness. I was just so happy.

And since transfers are such non-events in terms of intervention- I've packed my day with work I have to do :( and catching up with friends to pray :)

But there is a little part of me which would have prefered to sleep and rest and reveal in the "baby in my belly" thing.

In Lamintation there is a beautiful verse about hoping in God, for yet i will praise him. I have hope for a baby- but it isn't certain hope. It's a please, please, please, I beg you God, have mercy kind of hope. But I have a certain hope that despite what happens I will praise him and know he is good.

Please Father- help me whatever the circumstances. But please. Amen
love Lady Grey