Day 45

A few days ago, just after my last post I think, Earl gave me a call. He had some bad news. I won't go into what it was (it wasn't terrible bad, it was just frustrating bad), but his question was "Is History repeating itself?". You see, he had very similar frustrating news a year ago. A year ago when we were pregnant with Thumper.

I assured him of what he really already knew, that just because this thing had happened, and then we lost Thumper- does not mean that we are going to loose this baby if we are pregnant, just because the same thing had happened again. History was not repeating- things are so different this year.

I did the calculations on the web in terms of when my periods was, and how long my cycles normally go. If I am pregnant (and I am more and more sure that I am), then the baby would be due within days of Thumper's due date anniversary. It is in many ways history repeating itself. That is a scary thought, but it is also an amazing thought- it makes me associate this pregnancy and this baby with my beloved Thumper in a very precious way. And it makes the miracle of a completely unexpected pregnancy feel even more like a gift.

Praying this little one that might be growing inside me can stay with us forever!

Day 44 was a little bit traumatic. When calculating at first I miscalculated and thought that I was actually day 37- which of course is no where near as exciting! But after recalculating and confirming (by this blog!) when my period was, I was able to confirm that I was right. So that makes today 45- incredible!

Also, before I went to bed- I had a slight touch of very, very pale brown spotting. Earl and I both very sick and pretty scared.

An hour later, it was gone, and this morning it is gone and I feel pretty nauseous. So I am not to dwell on it. But I think very soon (maybe after the weekend) it is time for a test, and I suspect Earl will agree with me.

Pray for me!
LG

update: I vomited! Earl said from the other room "Is it wrong that for me that was a happy sound?". Too early for a chemist to be open but we will test today and if its positive see about getting a beta for Monday

fsldkjfsldkjflskdjf

I feeling so lost.

Been feeling like vomiting but had the tiniest bit of spotting. Freaking out about the results later today. And I have so much to do today, so much pretending to be happy and perfectly fine, as if my world is not potentially about to be smashed.

Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to get through this day.

And whatever happens, tonight is a bucks party Earl is organising, followed by a wedding where he is the best man, followed by birthday celebrations with his sister which will, rightly, be all about the good news of our nephew, and very baby centric. Where we will have to hold it together and not just be okay but happy.

Sigh.

I asked the nurse who took my bloods, "what shall we aim for?". She smiled and said, "Let's go for 500, why not?".

So that's my aim. 500 beta.

She always manages to make me smile even on days like this.
Small mercies.
LG

When will the fear end!

Well, the weekend with the Aunt went by without any family member finding out we are pregnant. But that is not to say it wasn't eventful.

Most of the time I get up at least two times in the night to pee. One night at my aunts I got up and I found blood. Very little blood. But blood. I went into my husband and we tried to work out what to do.

We ended up going to the emergency room.

The prognosis was that everything was probably fine- that if it wasn't there was nothing they could do, and if we have any more bleeding or sever pain to come in again. So far I haven't had either. The doctor recommended that if we are still nervous we should go to a GP and organise another ultra sound.

So that's what I'm hoping to do today.

I just want to stop being afraid!

I have vomited every morning. This morning it took a while. Once again the fear rose up. I can't loose thumper- I cried to Earl. But soon the vomit came. But I'm still scared.

Happy 9 weeks Thumper. Maybe there be many, many more. Please God!
LG

Sparkle

Well, I'm definately struggling with morning sickness. The dry wretching of previous mornings has been replaced with coughing up stomach acid- gross! And I sit here after my probably too big lunch and hope that it's not going to come up again. When I'm not sick I feel really good about it because I know that it's Thumper making himself known, but when it's happening it's just awful.

We are staying with my Aunt this weekend and I'm horribly afraid my vomiting will give it away. My plan is to get up- go for a walk so I can vomit out of the house. (since its just stomach acid and saliva and water I don't think it's too bad to vomit on the grass somewhere). I just really don't want her to know- partly because it would be hard for Mum's sister to hear before her, and also because she probably won't keep the secret and will end up giving me baby stuff for Christmas! That would give it away much earlier than we were hoping. And as Earl and I discussed yesterday- we have many years ahead of us of getting things that are for our baby not us- we might as well enjoy our last Christmas of being the favourites ;)

I realised today that I've made such a big deal in my head of how everyone is going to react to our news that I might be forcing myself to be disappointed. I'm trying to stop and just relish things for how they are, not how I've imagined them being for four years! But it's very hard. Because though it has been worst for us, it's been hard for our folks too- particularly my parents who've riden the IVF ride with us, and Earl's Dad whose watched his brother get six Grandchildren- Five since we've been trying. We are so excited about making them so happy.

Last night I dreamed I got my period. It was so nighmaric. When I woke up I was just so relieved. I even got up and checked to make sure. But Thumper is still here. I feel good about things. But I still can't wait to get to 12 weeks.
LG

Fighting Fear

Yesterday I was afraid again. So much disappointment and heartache doesn't disappear overnight. It was so strange. I kept ringing up my husband- is this really happening. It didn't help that I felt alot better (less nauseous) than I had all week.

The nice thing was, just after I got off the phone with him- the nurse from the infertility department called, "How are you?" I asked politely, "We're all wonderful, now that we've seen your fantastic scan" she said! She was so positive. Officially, unless things go wrong in the next five weeks, I am out of their hands. The joy began again. This is actually happening!

And this morning I was feeling better, got worried again, and proceeded to vomit up all the water I had drunk so far that morning :)

We are thinking maybe telling immediate family at ten weeks. It's hard to decide- particularly as we really don't want it spreading beyond immediate family until 12 weeks. But I just can't wait to tell our folks :)

We've given the baby our own private nick-name- "Thumper" because of his little heart- that refused to stop beating- even when everything was against him. We are calling him a him. We both think its a boy- though we may be wrong.

We are having a baby!
LG

Living in a bubble

Earl and I are living in a bubble.

Earl more than me, as he is on holidays so he is literally living in his own little world that I visit when I get home from work. We both feel incredibly lonely- but it's a weird loneliness because as much as we want to see people, we also don't want to see people.

We just don't know how we feel.

I am managing well at work. Really well. I think I have come to terms with the fact that I am a very functional emotional mess. Most of the time, whatever happens, I just do what I need to do. And I'm enjoying the relationships I have there. I am not alone. But I am either on the way to having a baby or a misscariage and I don't know which one it will be and so there is this strange distance between me and everyone except Earl- because they don't know.

I vomited again this morning. The GP assures me that is a good sign. She has given me a plan. This is what you do if Thursday goes well. This is what you do if it doesn't. So helpful. And it means rather than worrying about the future I can just wait. Each day is another gift, another day with our little one. But we want a life-time!
love Lady Grey

U/S day

I feel like I should do a happy post.

I have been happy. Sure there has been stress and butterflies, worries that this might work- but overall it has been wonderful.

We haven't told anyone. It's so weird that only some random health professionals and us know what is going on. I had a weekend with my folks and it was like this special little scret I had, a secret that I know (God willing) will make them so happy when they find out.

I've been a little bit worried about the lack of morning sickness. I had a few gaggy days (particularly when I ate a big meal) but no vomits. So yesterday I decided not to eat straight away but to see what happened. Well it worked, I felt so gross and ran to the toilet a few times- though I kept it in. And this morning- well, not so lucky. After I vomited a few times and my sympathetic husband asked if I was alright- I joked "That wasn't as nice as I expected". After wanting something so much...and then realising it sucks! But it's definately made me feel more excited and confident about the pregnancy.

Today is Ultra Sound day. Today we will find out about the heart-beat. After this mornings "Hello Mum and Dad" moment I feel a little more excited and confident.
I am praying, praying that I will see my babies heartbeat for the first time today.
Yay
Love Lady Grey