Awkward meeting and who to tell about IVF

This morning I went in for a blood-test. As I was leaving the waiting room I looked up and spotted someone I knew. I was so surprised, so thrown by this that i gave an embarrassed "hi" and bolted through the door.

For various reasons we had suspected that her and her husband might be trying, and might have even been having trouble. They are nice people. We like them and they like us and I suspect if situations and friendship circles were different they probably would have been close friends.

But they are not close friends, and it is strange, walking out of a room knowing we are both doing IVF, with neither of us necessarily intending to tell each other that fact. Yet now we know.

Different people are more open than others about the whole infertility thing. I have friends who are happy as anything to say that their little girl and boy are IVF babies. I have friends who haven't even made it public that they had any trouble conceiving- much less how the conception took place.

Tim and I are somewhere in the middle. If we do have a baby, we would probably tell people about our struggle, because we've learnt so much and we are pretty open people. But IVF is not something we want out-in-the-open.

It is not that we are ashamed. We thought, prayed, and worked really hard to think about whether IVF was something we felt comfortable with Ethically. And we are more than happy with the choices we've made, not the least because we have so many beloved Embryos in heaven, because of the gift of IVF.

It is just that there are consequences of telling people we don't want to deal with.

We do not want to have conversations with people who think it is wrong, particularly because we have children in heaven we love because of it- and those kind of conversations are emotionally tough. We have had one such conversation once and we do not want to have it again!

We don't want to have people judge us or our faith by this decision. We are happy to say we believe that IVF under certain conditions is appropriate, but we do not want people to make rash, wrong decisions about our character because of it.

We do not want to cause any pain to people who have decided for their own reasons that IVF is not for them. How tough for them to hear constantly about other people's success (not that this is our issue yet!)

And particularly, we don't want people to think any differently about any children we have. Whatever children we have through IVF are going to be as precious and NATURAL as any baby whose have not, and we want to leave the decision of talking about how they were conceived in the hands of our kid/s.

And finally, no one else has to talk about the specifics of how their babies came into being, it is a personal matter, and nobodies business.

Of course, it's funny to be saying this on a blog where I talk about IVF all the time. The truth is that we speak about IVF where it is helpful. We have told friends who support us, mentors who encourage us, and family that are there for us.

We have told my parent's but not Earl's, because Mum's support really helps me, whereas Earl just doesn't lean on his parents that way.

We have, in hindsight, told more people than we would like, and the fact is it leaks out accidentally, usually when one friend mentions it to another, assuming we would have told.

But so far, not telling has been a blessing.

Bloodtest today, hopefully Ultra Sound and bloods on Friday.
Praying once again, for a baby. This time one that stays.
LG

Not so secret, secret

This week has been a great week mixed in with a little bit of hard. We had a night away and the change in Earl was extraordinary. He is has been so flat out busy with life, so stressed about so many things, and just plain tired. Just one night off has made a huge difference to him. I can't wait to see what a bigger break will do.

Anyway, one of the tough things about this week was going along to a seminar about money, and having the hosts (who are lovely people by the way) make lots of jokes about what a pain kids are. It was soooo tough to sit there and listen, even though it was all tongue in cheek and I know they adore their kids and were only joking around.

After the session I had a person I know come up to me, and just say "Look, I know some really hard and unhelpful things have been said at this conference, and I just want to say, I've been where you've been and I'm so sorry it's so hard and I just want you to know that I'm praying for you".

It was really special.

It was also a bit interesting, because I have never told her that we are struggling with infertility.

It's the secret that is not so much a secret. We've had quite a few people talk to us lately about our situation, usually just to say "I know you guys are trying and we are praying for you". We don't know how they found out. Part of it might be the miscarriage, that people assume that we are trying since we probably were to begin with. And the Miscarriage, while not plastered all over facebook, is a little bit public, and we've never swore anyone to secrecy.

I suspect as well, some people are asking our friends who know. Married for nearly 7 years, kid-crazy couple. It's been hidden a bit because Earl has been studying so some people might think that we are not pregnant so I can work. But realistically, the questions are starting. And to be honest, when someone asks a friend, "Are Lady and Earl having trouble having a baby", I suspect a lot of our friends just say yes. And I don't really mind.

But it's hard too.

I don't know if I want the whole world looking at me, pitying me. I don't know if I want to be 'that' couple. I fear what it means for relationships- as people see us as not potential parents, but as a couple with no kids, with no change in sight.

Sometimes in the light of day I see it as just a journey, and we are part way along it, we don't know how far, or if this journey will last a life time- but we are on it, and we just have to look forward

But sometimes I turn my head and look back at the last 5 years and all my hopes and dreams and I think- this is too much.

Tomorrow I sit for the pre-cycle pregnancy test. Oh how I wish that this journey was ending tomorrow!
LG

A proud Moment

Ever since I found out Earl sister is having a baby, I've been feeling better and better about it, and more and more excited. I know part of it is that we are two week waiting and I have all these romantic dreams of being pregnant with her and our kids being the best of friends ;P

But there is still a lot of hardness wrapped up inside it, for all that. 5 days after the beta I will be seeing her and celebrating her birthday. I'm preparing myself that this will be a hard time.

I've left messages on her phone, we've facebook messaged each other, and I'm hoping to call her today. Partly just to find out details- Earl was so shocked when she called he didn't ask. They haven't told 'the public' yet, so I'm assuming it's still pre-12 weeks.

And though I'm excited about moving back home, and very happy that I will be living near by when my niece/nephew is born, I'm not looking forward to the many months of pregnant belly watching that will be ahead of me. So funny, belly's are so hard, though babies are so cute and lovely, I can cope with them.

Anyway, onto my proud moment.

CS Lewis (I think) says that the best way to grow in love when you are struggling to love someone is to show love. So when you know you should love someone but your angry or jealous instead, do something nice for them and you will feel happy about them. This has been my philosophy for many years. It became a joke in our first year of marriage, because I would bring my husband a bowl of ice-cream for no reason and he would say "What have I done this time?"

So I've been thinking of ways I can care for my sister-in-law, partly because I love her and my niece/nephew and I want to keep the relationship good, and partly because I know it will help me to deal with the next 7-8 months better if I can feel love towards her.

Some things I am thinking of doing is maybe knitting something for her baby, maybe throwing her a baby shower (I don't know if that is just too hard). But I want to buy someone for them for their baby.

I went to a baby kingdom shop two weeks ago. I was in their for about 30 seconds, but then I had to leave there crying. It was just too hard. It had been so long and having a baby still felt so far away. It seems so wrong, so wrong that we had been trying before she and her husband got engaged, and here she was with her baby on the way and my arms were still empty. So hard that Thumper could have been with me that day, in my arms!

Yesterday, I was going past that same shop.

I took a deep breath, and tried again.

I managed to walk through the whole shop. I even picked up a few items and was shocked at how expensive baby things are! I didn't find anything to get them, but I walked about of the shop with a tear free face.

I felt proud.

And my love for my niece/nephew and their mother grew that little bit stronger.
LG

Playing games

3 days until beta

It is facinating watching my mind and my emotions playing games as we head towards another beta.

After the drama's of the other night, as I lay in bed imagining the possibility of loosing a baby because of my own stupidity, I was so sure that I was pregnant.

And even though there isn't any real evidence to suggest this is the case, the feeling is continuing on and I am filled with strange optomism and hope about Monday's test.

And it is such a lovely feeling I'm contimplating whether I should nip it in the bud so as to not be disappointed with a BFN, or to just ride it and see what happens

I have been getting light cramping all week, even before my dramatic night. I would assume it was a bad sign, but I can't work out why on a natural cycle before being anywhere near day 28, I would be getting cramping. So i don't know if it's a good sign or a bad sign or just progesterone working it's magic.

My belly is definately more bloated than normal. But who knows what that means?

One of the things that I find so strange about this blog, is that these are things I am not telling anyone else- not even Earl because I don't want to get him hopeful or depressed (generally he gets through the 2ww by just trying not to think about it until the last moment). I didn't tell my prayer buddies, because neither of them know we are doing IVF. I haven't told my family or my BFF, because we like to keep the timing of the cycle a secret so we can choose ourselves when to reveal good or bad news.

But you lovely ladies who read this blog don't know the colour of my eyes, or what foods I love, what non-baby dreams i have for the future, or Earl's real name. It is a strangely intimate, and yet removed. Facinating.

But I am so thankful to have you guys along for the ride. I used to feel so alone on this journey but I'm so glad to have so many who understand this crazy world.
love you guys!
LG

Sparkle

Well, I'm definately struggling with morning sickness. The dry wretching of previous mornings has been replaced with coughing up stomach acid- gross! And I sit here after my probably too big lunch and hope that it's not going to come up again. When I'm not sick I feel really good about it because I know that it's Thumper making himself known, but when it's happening it's just awful.

We are staying with my Aunt this weekend and I'm horribly afraid my vomiting will give it away. My plan is to get up- go for a walk so I can vomit out of the house. (since its just stomach acid and saliva and water I don't think it's too bad to vomit on the grass somewhere). I just really don't want her to know- partly because it would be hard for Mum's sister to hear before her, and also because she probably won't keep the secret and will end up giving me baby stuff for Christmas! That would give it away much earlier than we were hoping. And as Earl and I discussed yesterday- we have many years ahead of us of getting things that are for our baby not us- we might as well enjoy our last Christmas of being the favourites ;)

I realised today that I've made such a big deal in my head of how everyone is going to react to our news that I might be forcing myself to be disappointed. I'm trying to stop and just relish things for how they are, not how I've imagined them being for four years! But it's very hard. Because though it has been worst for us, it's been hard for our folks too- particularly my parents who've riden the IVF ride with us, and Earl's Dad whose watched his brother get six Grandchildren- Five since we've been trying. We are so excited about making them so happy.

Last night I dreamed I got my period. It was so nighmaric. When I woke up I was just so relieved. I even got up and checked to make sure. But Thumper is still here. I feel good about things. But I still can't wait to get to 12 weeks.
LG