Day 45

A few days ago, just after my last post I think, Earl gave me a call. He had some bad news. I won't go into what it was (it wasn't terrible bad, it was just frustrating bad), but his question was "Is History repeating itself?". You see, he had very similar frustrating news a year ago. A year ago when we were pregnant with Thumper.

I assured him of what he really already knew, that just because this thing had happened, and then we lost Thumper- does not mean that we are going to loose this baby if we are pregnant, just because the same thing had happened again. History was not repeating- things are so different this year.

I did the calculations on the web in terms of when my periods was, and how long my cycles normally go. If I am pregnant (and I am more and more sure that I am), then the baby would be due within days of Thumper's due date anniversary. It is in many ways history repeating itself. That is a scary thought, but it is also an amazing thought- it makes me associate this pregnancy and this baby with my beloved Thumper in a very precious way. And it makes the miracle of a completely unexpected pregnancy feel even more like a gift.

Praying this little one that might be growing inside me can stay with us forever!

Day 44 was a little bit traumatic. When calculating at first I miscalculated and thought that I was actually day 37- which of course is no where near as exciting! But after recalculating and confirming (by this blog!) when my period was, I was able to confirm that I was right. So that makes today 45- incredible!

Also, before I went to bed- I had a slight touch of very, very pale brown spotting. Earl and I both very sick and pretty scared.

An hour later, it was gone, and this morning it is gone and I feel pretty nauseous. So I am not to dwell on it. But I think very soon (maybe after the weekend) it is time for a test, and I suspect Earl will agree with me.

Pray for me!
LG

update: I vomited! Earl said from the other room "Is it wrong that for me that was a happy sound?". Too early for a chemist to be open but we will test today and if its positive see about getting a beta for Monday

The brighter side of a two week wait

I've been living in a bit of a dream land these last few days.

Blissfully happy. Knowing that there could be a pregnancy going on inside my belly. I think the reason I am so happy now and so miserable usually is because in the past I had heaps of different negative pregnancy experiences rushing through my head but this time all I can think about was this same stage when I was pregnant with Thumper. It was the same time of year, I had the same bloated belly and the same timeline of just waiting to bleed and if I didn't bleed, well, that is a reasonable sign that the blood test would come back good. I also had this unexpected feeling of hope. I've been enjoying the possibility that things are happening as I dream they would- and we would once again have a pregnancy.

It hit me a little bit today that I am moving from the bright to the hard side of the two week wait. Yes, this first week is a time of not knowing and waiting. But it's a time when there is no chance of bleeding. It is a time when there is no bad news that can come. It is just the lovely possibility of good news.

Now I am hitting the week where I could bleed, where the bloating could pass.

But I'm also approaching the time when I could get a BFPs.
LG

fsldkjfsldkjflskdjf

I feeling so lost.

Been feeling like vomiting but had the tiniest bit of spotting. Freaking out about the results later today. And I have so much to do today, so much pretending to be happy and perfectly fine, as if my world is not potentially about to be smashed.

Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to get through this day.

And whatever happens, tonight is a bucks party Earl is organising, followed by a wedding where he is the best man, followed by birthday celebrations with his sister which will, rightly, be all about the good news of our nephew, and very baby centric. Where we will have to hold it together and not just be okay but happy.

Sigh.

I asked the nurse who took my bloods, "what shall we aim for?". She smiled and said, "Let's go for 500, why not?".

So that's my aim. 500 beta.

She always manages to make me smile even on days like this.
Small mercies.
LG

Infertility and my lack of brain

First thing- transfer happened. Our precious little embryo is on the inside :) Please continue to pray for it.

As the embryo went in, the doctor smiled at me and said, "I think it's time for you to have some luck. I think it really is your turn." The nurse and embryologist concurred.

I smiled. I really appreciate the real love and genuine concern I get at my clinic. They all know my story, even just from browsing my chart. They all want this one to be the one who stays.

The funny thing is, I am not supposed to believe in luck. I am someone who believes that God is in control, and therefore luck and superstitions are not suppose to play apart.

That is what my brain says.

But Infertility means that sometimes the brain doesn't come into it.

The sad thing about my transfer was that because Earl was so sick, the doctor thought it best that he didn't bring his germs into theatre. So he didn't get to see our embryo, he didn't get to sit by and hold my hand, and it was sad for both of us. But he said to me afterwards "This is different. Different is good. Maybe it's a sign".

Signs! They are everywhere. The sky on the day of transfer. The birth,death, birthday, anniversary of someone around transfer time. The things people say. The things I eat the next day. Everything, everything I read as if it might have something to say about the result in 2 weeks time. And i obsess about my time with Thumper- wishing I could make careful notes of that two weeks last year so I can copy exactly and get a BFP (and of course do everything differently once I have it so the baby lives).

It's so silly.

But that's what happens. I had a green tea today. Did I have a green tea with thumper? Did I have a green tea in any failed cycles. Is Green tea the deciding factor that means that this embryo will stick?

Of course my brain tells me that this is silly, my hormones, the strength of our little one, and ultimately God are much more deciding factors than weather or Earl's sickness. But I long and hope so much, it absorbs me and I think "sign, sign, sign".

I search for hope where it isn't, just because I need it to survive this little while.

Oh how I long for this baby. It's so overwhelming. Please, please, please!
Lady Grey