I've just gotten back this morning from my weekend away with my Mum and Sister.
It was amazing!
My family growing up was never really rich, I always felt like my friends had more money than my parents. My parents started off as teachers, and then after a fair bit of study both became academics. They have always been careful with Money, and now as they approach retirement age (not that they are planning to retire anytime soon- they love their work!) they are going very well financially. So our "girls weekend" is really a chance for Mum to pay for everything and to treat me and my sister like queens.
We went to one of the best restaurants in the state, I got a facial and a massage, and we went on a lovely work through the Australian bush. We did lots of cooking, we hung out in front of the fire. We talked and talked and laughed and listened to music and it was lovely. I stayed last night at my parents before flying home, and so also got some time with Dad, who said I think at least 15 times in the 18 hour period how much he enjoyed having me around :) Earl and I will be moving back to the same state as our families next year and we are so excited.
IVF came up a little bit, because of the transfer, but not too much. Just as much as I wanted.
It was a real holiday, and if Earl had been there I would have never wanted it to end.
Now I am back home. And it feels like the 2ww is starting in earnest. It is real in a way that it hasn't been before. 1 week to go before my test. I feel sick whenever I think of it.
The transfer went well, if you can say anything about it. The blastocyst was hatching which made me a little bit happy because the last one wasn't and Thumper definitely was. But I don't want to get too excited.
God answered my prayer and so this weekend I was able to pray. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed.
Please Father, let this baby live and grow. I long to hold him/her.
LG
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Perfect timing on so many levels
So, providing defrosting of my embryo goes well, transfer takes place tomorrow. 3 hours after the transfer I will get on a plane for a weekend away with my Mum and my sister. The only thing different about this trip because of the transfer is that when my Mum and Sister are in the hot-springs, I will be watching, or maybe getting a pedicure! But I would much rather sit there with an embryo watching than participating without one.
It is such nice timing. It's been a stressful few weeks which have just started to slow down. And to start the 2ww with a holiday is a real gift.
Today I asked God to give me the courage and faith to pray. As I might have already mentioned on this blog, I find it difficult to pray about transfers because I have had so many disappointments. Even though I know it's not helpful, I can't help thinking to myself "What's the point? He always says no anyway". And so I am asking God to help me to pray about this. To trust that he can and does answer prayers and that it is important to do. But it's hard.
Please pray that our little one sticks.
Yesterday I was nervous about Bible study which is really unusual for me. I asked Earl why and he said "You are anxious about the transfer, and so you are nervous about everything. If we were on our way to a free trip to Paris you would be stressed. You'd be saying "I've forgotten something, I've forgotten something"." This was funny because it's true and also because I do always panic about forgetting stuff. Though I'm also usually right :)
Anyway, randomy post to say that things are going well but I am still petrified.
LG
It is such nice timing. It's been a stressful few weeks which have just started to slow down. And to start the 2ww with a holiday is a real gift.
Today I asked God to give me the courage and faith to pray. As I might have already mentioned on this blog, I find it difficult to pray about transfers because I have had so many disappointments. Even though I know it's not helpful, I can't help thinking to myself "What's the point? He always says no anyway". And so I am asking God to help me to pray about this. To trust that he can and does answer prayers and that it is important to do. But it's hard.
Please pray that our little one sticks.
Yesterday I was nervous about Bible study which is really unusual for me. I asked Earl why and he said "You are anxious about the transfer, and so you are nervous about everything. If we were on our way to a free trip to Paris you would be stressed. You'd be saying "I've forgotten something, I've forgotten something"." This was funny because it's true and also because I do always panic about forgetting stuff. Though I'm also usually right :)
Anyway, randomy post to say that things are going well but I am still petrified.
LG
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day
I survived.
The day actually got better as it progressed. The great blessing was that our transfer has been confirmed for this Thursday, so it was a Mother's Day with at least some hope behind the heart-ache.
My friend Mrs L gave me a beautiful card, saying that she was praying for me. It was my first Mother's Day card and it meant so much. I also got two "I am praying for you" texts from friends during the day. And at the end of the night, as I returned our left-over little "presents" that we handed out to all the Mothers at church to the office, I pocketed one. I couldn't publicly take one without people asking awkward questions, but I was a Mum and I knew I deserved one.
But it was also a day to remember that Infertility is not the only hard thing to face on Mothers day.
I couldn't help watching one of the guys at church, who on Mothers day last year found out about a terrible thing his mother had done. I spoke with one girl who hates mother's day, because whenever she tries to do anything nice for her Mum, her Mum uses it as an opportunity to criticise her. And my friend who sat in church like she is in a candy store, because her Mum doesn't like her going to church and only lets her go to church for short periods at a time, and so every time she goes it is such a special treat.
I am so thankful for my Mum, and for Earl's Mum. They are incredibly supportive of what we do and who we are. It was nice that this year Mother's day felt like a time when I could be thankful as well as sad.
Being in Australia I know I am ahead of my (known) readers in terms of time, and so I am praying for all of you on this very difficult day to come. Praying that there will be comfort, and that this Mother's day will be the last one without a child. xoxo
The day actually got better as it progressed. The great blessing was that our transfer has been confirmed for this Thursday, so it was a Mother's Day with at least some hope behind the heart-ache.
My friend Mrs L gave me a beautiful card, saying that she was praying for me. It was my first Mother's Day card and it meant so much. I also got two "I am praying for you" texts from friends during the day. And at the end of the night, as I returned our left-over little "presents" that we handed out to all the Mothers at church to the office, I pocketed one. I couldn't publicly take one without people asking awkward questions, but I was a Mum and I knew I deserved one.
But it was also a day to remember that Infertility is not the only hard thing to face on Mothers day.
I couldn't help watching one of the guys at church, who on Mothers day last year found out about a terrible thing his mother had done. I spoke with one girl who hates mother's day, because whenever she tries to do anything nice for her Mum, her Mum uses it as an opportunity to criticise her. And my friend who sat in church like she is in a candy store, because her Mum doesn't like her going to church and only lets her go to church for short periods at a time, and so every time she goes it is such a special treat.
I am so thankful for my Mum, and for Earl's Mum. They are incredibly supportive of what we do and who we are. It was nice that this year Mother's day felt like a time when I could be thankful as well as sad.
Being in Australia I know I am ahead of my (known) readers in terms of time, and so I am praying for all of you on this very difficult day to come. Praying that there will be comfort, and that this Mother's day will be the last one without a child. xoxo
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Growing in Patience?
Some of you might be wondering why I go from cycle to cycle without a break.
There are a few reasons. I am someone who loves to be doing something. I am actually more content during a cycle (despite the stress) than during the enforced or otherwise breaks that I have had, because it feels like a baby is closer. I know it is possible for me to get pregnant without IVF, but it seems so unlikely (given everything) that I find myself so much more hopeful when I'm doing something.
And the other reason is because I'm just so very impatient to have a baby that the idea that it might be even one month further away is too hard.
A few friends have commented that God must be wanting to teach me patience. I laugh when i think of that. But I don't actually know if I am growing in patience. I am definitely realising that patience would be a helpful thing to have. But so often I just feel like Verruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: "Daddy, I want an Ompa Loompa(or in this case a baby) NOW!"
And because we are now nearing two months until Thumper's due date, it seems even more difficult to wait when I had thought that my time of waiting was to almost be over.
Of course I know that I am growing in patients. I must be. I know that suffering has the affect of teaching and growing us. I know I am a better person than the day we started TTC.
But as I often almost jokingly plee with my heavenly Father "Thanks, I've learnt that lesson now, can we move on?".
Speaking of patience and moving on, to my complete surprise, my blood test result suggests that I am near ovulation. Crazy body! Last month: 18 day ovulation. Month before: 17 day ovulation. Today- day 12!!! Is it a good sign? Who knows. But I am praying that the waiting is almost over.
Love LG
There are a few reasons. I am someone who loves to be doing something. I am actually more content during a cycle (despite the stress) than during the enforced or otherwise breaks that I have had, because it feels like a baby is closer. I know it is possible for me to get pregnant without IVF, but it seems so unlikely (given everything) that I find myself so much more hopeful when I'm doing something.
And the other reason is because I'm just so very impatient to have a baby that the idea that it might be even one month further away is too hard.
A few friends have commented that God must be wanting to teach me patience. I laugh when i think of that. But I don't actually know if I am growing in patience. I am definitely realising that patience would be a helpful thing to have. But so often I just feel like Verruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: "Daddy, I want an Ompa Loompa(or in this case a baby) NOW!"
And because we are now nearing two months until Thumper's due date, it seems even more difficult to wait when I had thought that my time of waiting was to almost be over.
Of course I know that I am growing in patients. I must be. I know that suffering has the affect of teaching and growing us. I know I am a better person than the day we started TTC.
But as I often almost jokingly plee with my heavenly Father "Thanks, I've learnt that lesson now, can we move on?".
Speaking of patience and moving on, to my complete surprise, my blood test result suggests that I am near ovulation. Crazy body! Last month: 18 day ovulation. Month before: 17 day ovulation. Today- day 12!!! Is it a good sign? Who knows. But I am praying that the waiting is almost over.
Love LG
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Like a hamster on a wheel
And so it begins again.
Tomorrow morning is the first bloodtest of the new cycle. And so once again we are faced with the question- will a transfer go ahead? And if it does, will there be good news.
The irony is that once again I am faced with a trip away on the weekend around when the transfer might happen. My Mum and Sister adn I try to have a weekend away together every year in May to celebrate our combined birthdays (It's April, May, June for us). Last year it was cancelled so I could be a bridesmaid at my BFs wedding, and so this one I was really looking forward to. We are going to an area famous for it's Day Spas and Mum's booked us in for dinner at one of the most famous restaurants in the state. I have been so excited about it. Now there is a chance that I might have to join them late because of bloodtests. Of course I don't care about weekends away as much as my babies- but after facing one disappointment it is hard to think that this next time will be any different. And once again something I have been looking forward to is pushed and changed due to IVF
Oh I miss Thumper so much! I am suppose to have a big belly right now. I'm suppose to be having a baby shower and decorating a nursery. I'm suppose to be getting ready to meet my son/daughter. But instead it's just another round on the hamster wheel. Spinning, Spinning, working so hard and getting nowhere!
But I am trying to be positive. My counsellor/therapist just happened to ring on my hard day last week (when I wrote my last post). Her words didn't mean much at the time, but now I think of them. That things look good. That the doctors are positive. That one negative test does not mean it will never happen.
Please Father, let it be this month!
LG
Tomorrow morning is the first bloodtest of the new cycle. And so once again we are faced with the question- will a transfer go ahead? And if it does, will there be good news.
The irony is that once again I am faced with a trip away on the weekend around when the transfer might happen. My Mum and Sister adn I try to have a weekend away together every year in May to celebrate our combined birthdays (It's April, May, June for us). Last year it was cancelled so I could be a bridesmaid at my BFs wedding, and so this one I was really looking forward to. We are going to an area famous for it's Day Spas and Mum's booked us in for dinner at one of the most famous restaurants in the state. I have been so excited about it. Now there is a chance that I might have to join them late because of bloodtests. Of course I don't care about weekends away as much as my babies- but after facing one disappointment it is hard to think that this next time will be any different. And once again something I have been looking forward to is pushed and changed due to IVF
Oh I miss Thumper so much! I am suppose to have a big belly right now. I'm suppose to be having a baby shower and decorating a nursery. I'm suppose to be getting ready to meet my son/daughter. But instead it's just another round on the hamster wheel. Spinning, Spinning, working so hard and getting nowhere!
But I am trying to be positive. My counsellor/therapist just happened to ring on my hard day last week (when I wrote my last post). Her words didn't mean much at the time, but now I think of them. That things look good. That the doctors are positive. That one negative test does not mean it will never happen.
Please Father, let it be this month!
LG
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Sunk in
It's sunk in.
I am not coping.
I am sitting in my office crying and I am not coping.
I just want to quit everything and just go home to bed and never get up again.
I can't handle one more day of trying to act like everything is okay. I can't go through one more day serving people who have everything I want but take me for granted.
I can't go through one more disappointing cycle.
I can't say goodbye to one more precious baby for no good reason other than my body seems to be a death trap.
I am not coping. And I feel so alone :'(
I am not coping.
I am sitting in my office crying and I am not coping.
I just want to quit everything and just go home to bed and never get up again.
I can't handle one more day of trying to act like everything is okay. I can't go through one more day serving people who have everything I want but take me for granted.
I can't go through one more disappointing cycle.
I can't say goodbye to one more precious baby for no good reason other than my body seems to be a death trap.
I am not coping. And I feel so alone :'(
Sunday, April 24, 2011
The two me's
Not sure if anyone read my last post in time to pray for Sunday, but God definately answered our prayers. I don't know quite how it happened, but I managed to do (according to Earl) one of my best every kids talks. I held it together to welcome a new lady, had some nice time just hanging with Earl, I helped another girl write a kids talk, I sang in evening church, and I cheerfully went out for dinner after church with friends. I even handled saying and hearing "Happy Easter" about 20 times
It sounds like I don't care about my BFN at all. But I do, I really do.
Of course, I haven't included the hissy fits. Of which there were at least 5, spread throughout the day. And the tears. And the Angry prayers. And the whys?
When I woke up on Sunday morning I went onto facebook where our friends had just put up their photos of their fourth baby. These are lovely people who know about IVF and who pray for us. But they break my heart. Before we started trying, the husband told us matter-a-factly "We are hoping to get pregnant in June". A friend of these said they were even using the billing method to make sure there first was a boy. At the time even before all this IF rubbish I thought "You presumptious idiot!". They were pregnant in June. They had their boy. And not only that, they then had girl, boy, and now girl. They got pregnant with their second right at the point when we started trying. So they have had three kids (to add to their one) since we have been trying.
Please understand, I don't hate them. I don't think they deserve horrible things for their rediculous controllingness. But I just don't understand. Why do they get four and we get none. Why, do they get their precious little girl right in time to coincide with us once again loosing our own? I get so mad and so angry and I say to God "I'm sick of waiting!. Why is this so easy for so many and so hard for us?"
So my Easter was filled with joy, fun, anger, tears, disappointment and impatients.
I am a strange person. I can pull it together when I need to. And more than that, it's not hard. I just switch. I wasn't pretending to be happy yesterday as I taught the kids, as I goofed around with friends, as I laughed about Bear Gril latest disguisting antics over dinner. It was real. I've gotten so used to this double life it's like there are two mes. One- Belinda (my real name) who everyone knows is confident and together and friendly and happy. And then, Lady Grey- who cries and screams and thinks- "Can I really get through tomorrow?".
I am a people person, and when I am around my friends and particularly those God has given me to care for, I am okay.
But when the people leave, it hits me again, and I just ask the same question Earl and I have been asking God since Thumper. "When will our time of mourning end?"
LG
It sounds like I don't care about my BFN at all. But I do, I really do.
Of course, I haven't included the hissy fits. Of which there were at least 5, spread throughout the day. And the tears. And the Angry prayers. And the whys?
When I woke up on Sunday morning I went onto facebook where our friends had just put up their photos of their fourth baby. These are lovely people who know about IVF and who pray for us. But they break my heart. Before we started trying, the husband told us matter-a-factly "We are hoping to get pregnant in June". A friend of these said they were even using the billing method to make sure there first was a boy. At the time even before all this IF rubbish I thought "You presumptious idiot!". They were pregnant in June. They had their boy. And not only that, they then had girl, boy, and now girl. They got pregnant with their second right at the point when we started trying. So they have had three kids (to add to their one) since we have been trying.
Please understand, I don't hate them. I don't think they deserve horrible things for their rediculous controllingness. But I just don't understand. Why do they get four and we get none. Why, do they get their precious little girl right in time to coincide with us once again loosing our own? I get so mad and so angry and I say to God "I'm sick of waiting!. Why is this so easy for so many and so hard for us?"
So my Easter was filled with joy, fun, anger, tears, disappointment and impatients.
I am a strange person. I can pull it together when I need to. And more than that, it's not hard. I just switch. I wasn't pretending to be happy yesterday as I taught the kids, as I goofed around with friends, as I laughed about Bear Gril latest disguisting antics over dinner. It was real. I've gotten so used to this double life it's like there are two mes. One- Belinda (my real name) who everyone knows is confident and together and friendly and happy. And then, Lady Grey- who cries and screams and thinks- "Can I really get through tomorrow?".
I am a people person, and when I am around my friends and particularly those God has given me to care for, I am okay.
But when the people leave, it hits me again, and I just ask the same question Earl and I have been asking God since Thumper. "When will our time of mourning end?"
LG
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