Two of our little eggs fertilised.
I am so happy.
I know that two fertilisations don't gareentee two little embryos by Wednesday but it is looking good. I am incredibly thankful to God for this answered prayer.
And I am thankful to God for Thumper. Yesterday was Baby Loss Awareness day. And praise God, Yesterday was a good Thumper day. A day where all I felt was love and joy for the little one that I had, and not the terrible achey horribleness.
And on this day too, I want to acknowledge all my little embryos. I know I talk about Thumper alot more than them, but that doesn't mean I don't love them and miss them and think of them.
To all my babies- Mummy loves you and is proud to have given you life, even for such a short while!
Praying so hard for our two new little babies :)
LG
Showing posts with label misscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label misscarriage. Show all posts
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Not my world
Sometimes I think the Internet is not good for me.
Today I opened a blog post of a friend celebrating a year since since found out she was pregnant with her second child.
It was a lesson in what life is like in the world of the fertile. So different from my world.
She isn't sure if she's pregnant and decides to pee on a stick.
Not my world
She wasn't trying to get pregnant and isn't sure how she feels about it.
Not my world
She finds out that she is and is excited.
Well, it was my world once but even then there was a fear that just doesn't seem to fit into the "normal" experience. And in the end the fear was justified :'(
She is worried about telling her friend who is also trying for her second, but finds out they are both conveniently pregnant, found out at the same time, and are now expecting their kids at the same time.
In my world i watch my friends move onto their second 'successful' (sorry, bad word I know)pregnancies, and babies births. And nothing works out conveniently for me.
She now writes excitedly as she looks at her baby beside her.
Not my world.
I HATE MY WORLD!!!!!!!!!
:''(
LG
Today I opened a blog post of a friend celebrating a year since since found out she was pregnant with her second child.
It was a lesson in what life is like in the world of the fertile. So different from my world.
She isn't sure if she's pregnant and decides to pee on a stick.
Not my world
She wasn't trying to get pregnant and isn't sure how she feels about it.
Not my world
She finds out that she is and is excited.
Well, it was my world once but even then there was a fear that just doesn't seem to fit into the "normal" experience. And in the end the fear was justified :'(
She is worried about telling her friend who is also trying for her second, but finds out they are both conveniently pregnant, found out at the same time, and are now expecting their kids at the same time.
In my world i watch my friends move onto their second 'successful' (sorry, bad word I know)pregnancies, and babies births. And nothing works out conveniently for me.
She now writes excitedly as she looks at her baby beside her.
Not my world.
I HATE MY WORLD!!!!!!!!!
:''(
LG
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Dealing with Anger
I am very thankful to be living in Australia doing IVF. Not only can i go to a good quality clinic through the public system where I don't pay much and where some of what I pay gets given back by the Government because of our low income(!)- but the hospital I go to provides a fullish-time IF counsellor for free. And she is lovely. We had our first face-to-face appointment since the miscarriage (we were talking on the phone while I was interstate with my family).
One of the things we talked about was anger.
I am angry so much of the time.
It's not always related to the miscarriage/infertility though it often is. Anger when a friend gets pregnant. Anger when I think about how long it has been since we started trying. Anger when I think about how I would be showing if little Thumper had lived. Anger at my husband because he wants time in the evening to study rather than spending them all with me. And mostly just anger at myself for not coping with my pain. I suspect it's just a stage of the grief process that I have to go through. My way of dealing with it is often to be angry with myself for being angry! I knew I wasn't being godly with my thoughts but I wasn't sure what to do about it.
One of the things she suggested was to write about it. Because you can't just be angry. You need to process it somehow or it eats you up inside.
I was thinking about writing out my anger last night but decided not too.
Silly move!
Today I have:
-Yelled at God about 15 times
-Deliberately knocked over a table at work in anger because a screw came loose as i was setting it up and it made me made.
-Burst into angry tears because a friend asked me to do something I didn't want to do.
-Snaped at that same friend on the phone later because she was at a different end of the train station that I was meeting her at and I had to walk 2 minutes to find her.
-Been deliberately standoffish with a work collegue because he has mannerish that annoy me.
-Gave lots of dirty looks to random strangers.
I feel so embarrassed. I know that anger is normal when you've been through a terrible thing but no one deserved my anger (except perhaps the table!). But the amazing thing about it is that God can handle my anger. Even though he is the least deserving of all. He listens and he cares.
So tomorrow morning I am sitting down and I am expressing my anger in writing, and praying that God would help me to deal with it and perhaps even take it away.
And it's not just for the sake of myself, or Earl, or my friends, collegues, or the furniture or even God. Thumper's little life is not honoured in my anger. And I want him honoured
love LG
One of the things we talked about was anger.
I am angry so much of the time.
It's not always related to the miscarriage/infertility though it often is. Anger when a friend gets pregnant. Anger when I think about how long it has been since we started trying. Anger when I think about how I would be showing if little Thumper had lived. Anger at my husband because he wants time in the evening to study rather than spending them all with me. And mostly just anger at myself for not coping with my pain. I suspect it's just a stage of the grief process that I have to go through. My way of dealing with it is often to be angry with myself for being angry! I knew I wasn't being godly with my thoughts but I wasn't sure what to do about it.
One of the things she suggested was to write about it. Because you can't just be angry. You need to process it somehow or it eats you up inside.
I was thinking about writing out my anger last night but decided not too.
Silly move!
Today I have:
-Yelled at God about 15 times
-Deliberately knocked over a table at work in anger because a screw came loose as i was setting it up and it made me made.
-Burst into angry tears because a friend asked me to do something I didn't want to do.
-Snaped at that same friend on the phone later because she was at a different end of the train station that I was meeting her at and I had to walk 2 minutes to find her.
-Been deliberately standoffish with a work collegue because he has mannerish that annoy me.
-Gave lots of dirty looks to random strangers.
I feel so embarrassed. I know that anger is normal when you've been through a terrible thing but no one deserved my anger (except perhaps the table!). But the amazing thing about it is that God can handle my anger. Even though he is the least deserving of all. He listens and he cares.
So tomorrow morning I am sitting down and I am expressing my anger in writing, and praying that God would help me to deal with it and perhaps even take it away.
And it's not just for the sake of myself, or Earl, or my friends, collegues, or the furniture or even God. Thumper's little life is not honoured in my anger. And I want him honoured
love LG
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
A month on
It has now been over a month since we found out our precious Thumper had gone.
What kind of month?
A month of horrible pain. I don't think I've ever had a month where I've found it so hard to relate to God. I remember earlish on in the infertililty process I remember thinking "I know I love God, I'm just not sure he loves me". By God's grace I got through that period and he reminded me of his love, but unfortunately in many ways, and at many times in the last month I've been back there.
I feel like all my hard one strength for this battle with infertillity has eroded away. A good friend told me (balling her eyes out- I felt like I had to comfort her and not the other way around) that she was pregnant for the second time, and she found it so hard to tell me. That kind of thing would normally set me back for a day. At the moment that kind of thing sets me back a week. And given you hear about a new baby every few weeks in my line of work I am not sure how I'm going to go holding it together this year.
But it's also been a month of incredible love. We've been semi-public with the news. This basically means I wrote about it on my public blog but didn't put it on facebook! I also sent an email to close friends, and just friends that I thought would understand. We've been inondated with flowers, love, well-wishes, and tears for our little ones. We had friends who had an emergency Caesar birth the week we got back home from holidays with family. They worked really hard to look after us and morn with us- even though they had their own issues (there baby was fine. I held him an hour in the hospital and then cried and cried when I got home because I wanted to keep him!) Particularly in the case of Thumpers Grandparents- they really do see him as their Grandchild who they only got to see in an ultra-sound photo.
I miss him so much. I've never felt so lonely.
I am also inondated with longing for a child. I ache for one. I always have, but the "give and take away" nature of what has happened makes me so much more desperate.
We have 2 periods before the transfer of Embie number two of this cycle can begin. The nurse recons that with 3 great embies left- all from the same batch (oh I hate the kind of words they use- they're my babies!) as Thumper, we are a good chance to get pregnant.
But I'm so scared what a negative result might do to me.
I will post later on the post I put on my other blog.
LG
What kind of month?
A month of horrible pain. I don't think I've ever had a month where I've found it so hard to relate to God. I remember earlish on in the infertililty process I remember thinking "I know I love God, I'm just not sure he loves me". By God's grace I got through that period and he reminded me of his love, but unfortunately in many ways, and at many times in the last month I've been back there.
I feel like all my hard one strength for this battle with infertillity has eroded away. A good friend told me (balling her eyes out- I felt like I had to comfort her and not the other way around) that she was pregnant for the second time, and she found it so hard to tell me. That kind of thing would normally set me back for a day. At the moment that kind of thing sets me back a week. And given you hear about a new baby every few weeks in my line of work I am not sure how I'm going to go holding it together this year.
But it's also been a month of incredible love. We've been semi-public with the news. This basically means I wrote about it on my public blog but didn't put it on facebook! I also sent an email to close friends, and just friends that I thought would understand. We've been inondated with flowers, love, well-wishes, and tears for our little ones. We had friends who had an emergency Caesar birth the week we got back home from holidays with family. They worked really hard to look after us and morn with us- even though they had their own issues (there baby was fine. I held him an hour in the hospital and then cried and cried when I got home because I wanted to keep him!) Particularly in the case of Thumpers Grandparents- they really do see him as their Grandchild who they only got to see in an ultra-sound photo.
I miss him so much. I've never felt so lonely.
I am also inondated with longing for a child. I ache for one. I always have, but the "give and take away" nature of what has happened makes me so much more desperate.
We have 2 periods before the transfer of Embie number two of this cycle can begin. The nurse recons that with 3 great embies left- all from the same batch (oh I hate the kind of words they use- they're my babies!) as Thumper, we are a good chance to get pregnant.
But I'm so scared what a negative result might do to me.
I will post later on the post I put on my other blog.
LG
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Back in the Saddle
I really am doing a terrible job of keeping this blog up.
And its not as if nothing has been happening in the infertility side of my life.
But its just hard when I haven't told anyone. I am thinking about "following" other IF blogs with this blog, or even telling close friends. But still praying about that, I'd love the support and prayer but I need this to be a safe place, without any negativity or pain. Still thinking.
In an interesting piece of timing- we had our doctors appointment the week after the miscarriage. He was positive and encouraged us to do some more tests, just to see if we had any slightly unusual problems, or if there was a specific reason for the miscarriage.
Tim and I have seen a total of four different doctors for our infertility appointments. The doctor we have settled on is the first doctor we saw. We only changed off him because he is only twice a month on at the public clinic we attend, he spends most of his time at a private clinic. So we switched onto other doctors. But Tim and I have come to the very satisfied conclusion that it is better to see a good doctor that we trust rarely than to keep seeing doctors that let us down. One doctor was terrible, and a few just didn't seem to be as thorough, positive and sensitive as him. It is so nice to go to an appointment and not worry that the doctor might say or do something that hurts us.
There were no obvious problems (exhale), and so he told us it was try to try another Stim cycle. He talked through our chart and for the first time in months I didn't feel like a freak. He was able to discuss reasons why we probably hadn't gotten pregnant yet, and reasons why we still might. He tweaked our medication slightly and offered change which always helps my hope. He was so positive- he actually got me to think for the first time since the miscarriage- I might actually have a baby. And he has Tim convinced (bless him!) that this next cycle will be the one.
So I'm excited. But I'm also afraid. This last two months have been some of the hardest of my life. I feel so wounded, so raw. I haven't been my usual coping self. I've lost it in tears a few times in public, which is a rare thing. And when a friend got pregnant with her fourth (her third since we started trying) I was crushed again by the unfairness of life. I have some hope, but I also don't know how much I can face another disappointment, particularly another miscarriage. And I can't help thinking, if little Bonnie had made it I would be telling everyone now. I would be showing. I would be out of his hell-hole and back into real life of actually expecting a baby!
I find it hard to dissect how much of what I am feeling is due to the miscarriage and how much is just due to the usual fun of infertility. I know I don't need to know, but for some reason it helps to keep reminding myself that I've been through a really hard thing and that pain and despaire is a little bit normal.
My relationship with God is intact, more due to his grace than any strength I have! God is good, and I believe it and see it despite the pain. I had an amazing term of ministry. I have decided to stay on next year in my role, which was looking highly unlikely during the height of my pain. And as Tim and i plan for the future I am starting to get excited about things which aren't having a baby. But still, there are days when I physically ache with longing.
Please, please, please dear heavenly Father.
love Lady Jane.
And its not as if nothing has been happening in the infertility side of my life.
But its just hard when I haven't told anyone. I am thinking about "following" other IF blogs with this blog, or even telling close friends. But still praying about that, I'd love the support and prayer but I need this to be a safe place, without any negativity or pain. Still thinking.
In an interesting piece of timing- we had our doctors appointment the week after the miscarriage. He was positive and encouraged us to do some more tests, just to see if we had any slightly unusual problems, or if there was a specific reason for the miscarriage.
Tim and I have seen a total of four different doctors for our infertility appointments. The doctor we have settled on is the first doctor we saw. We only changed off him because he is only twice a month on at the public clinic we attend, he spends most of his time at a private clinic. So we switched onto other doctors. But Tim and I have come to the very satisfied conclusion that it is better to see a good doctor that we trust rarely than to keep seeing doctors that let us down. One doctor was terrible, and a few just didn't seem to be as thorough, positive and sensitive as him. It is so nice to go to an appointment and not worry that the doctor might say or do something that hurts us.
There were no obvious problems (exhale), and so he told us it was try to try another Stim cycle. He talked through our chart and for the first time in months I didn't feel like a freak. He was able to discuss reasons why we probably hadn't gotten pregnant yet, and reasons why we still might. He tweaked our medication slightly and offered change which always helps my hope. He was so positive- he actually got me to think for the first time since the miscarriage- I might actually have a baby. And he has Tim convinced (bless him!) that this next cycle will be the one.
So I'm excited. But I'm also afraid. This last two months have been some of the hardest of my life. I feel so wounded, so raw. I haven't been my usual coping self. I've lost it in tears a few times in public, which is a rare thing. And when a friend got pregnant with her fourth (her third since we started trying) I was crushed again by the unfairness of life. I have some hope, but I also don't know how much I can face another disappointment, particularly another miscarriage. And I can't help thinking, if little Bonnie had made it I would be telling everyone now. I would be showing. I would be out of his hell-hole and back into real life of actually expecting a baby!
I find it hard to dissect how much of what I am feeling is due to the miscarriage and how much is just due to the usual fun of infertility. I know I don't need to know, but for some reason it helps to keep reminding myself that I've been through a really hard thing and that pain and despaire is a little bit normal.
My relationship with God is intact, more due to his grace than any strength I have! God is good, and I believe it and see it despite the pain. I had an amazing term of ministry. I have decided to stay on next year in my role, which was looking highly unlikely during the height of my pain. And as Tim and i plan for the future I am starting to get excited about things which aren't having a baby. But still, there are days when I physically ache with longing.
Please, please, please dear heavenly Father.
love Lady Jane.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I've been depressed
I've been angry
I've cried
I've screamed
I've had the worst few weeks of my life.
I know that this pain won't just go away.
But I've had three reasonable days in a row.
Days were I've been mostly okay and sometimes really sad and sometimes really angry.
But mostly okay.
I didn't know that I would ever be mostly okay again.
And even though I was so mad at him.
God has still been looking after me.
Grace.
Lady Grey
I've been angry
I've cried
I've screamed
I've had the worst few weeks of my life.
I know that this pain won't just go away.
But I've had three reasonable days in a row.
Days were I've been mostly okay and sometimes really sad and sometimes really angry.
But mostly okay.
I didn't know that I would ever be mostly okay again.
And even though I was so mad at him.
God has still been looking after me.
Grace.
Lady Grey
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