Waiting, Waiting

It's been a special week. I think it's the first time I've enjoyed the waiting. Particularly because I've convinced myself that I must be pregnant. There is no reason to think this. Yes I feel different, but for the first time I've had hcg shots instead of crinone progesterone pessaries so it is probably not unexpected that I feel tired and incredibly bloated. I pause in front of the mirror all the time and imagine being pregnant- because while my tummy has been this big before, its usually been associated with the rest of me being bigger too. Now it's just the belly and the boobs which look huge :)

I know that I might not be. Every time I go to the toilet I panic, panic, panic that there might be bleeding. Every day that goes by without it I think maybe, maybe, maybe? It's hard because the first stim cycle I bleed a week before, the second one I bleed a week before (and it ended up being a biochemical pregnancy/misscarriage so the bleeding was not the end of the pregnancy but a sign that things might not have been great). The third stim was freeze all. So it feels like something must be better. But as I said- the medication is diffferent.

I love and want this baby and pregnancy so much. Earl has asked- will you be sadder if it doesn't happen? I don't know. But I can't be dispondent. This feeling of hope is just too lovely.

A little bit of belly pain. Panic, panic, panic. Please Father. Not a period. A pregnancy.
love Lady Grey

Transfer day

It's funny how superstition can creep in during IVF treatment to the most unsupertitious people.

I woke up this morning. The sun is streaming across the trees, shadowed by the blue sky. After days and days of gloomy rain. It's a sign, it's a sign- I think to myself.

I'm still feeling so hopefully. Ridiculously hopeful. Don't know why. Maybe because I'm on different medication (can that affect your mood?)? Maybe because the misscarriage at least opened the possibility in my head of a "yes, your pregnant" answer at the end?

We got Four little embryos this time. As of Monday they were all growing pretty well- though one was looking brilliant, two were looking good, and one was a little slow. But the "scientist" seemed to be positive about all fours chances. I pray they all make it. I love them all.

I still remember my first ever transfer. We only had two eggs that fertilised. The nurse had told me- we will call you early in the morning if neither of them make it.

I woke up at 8am. I think i screamed. It was one of the happiest moments of the whole journey. God had given us a little baby to place in my belly! And even though that little one didn't stay (I named her Elizabeth)- I still look back at that moment with great fondness. I was just so happy.

And since transfers are such non-events in terms of intervention- I've packed my day with work I have to do :( and catching up with friends to pray :)

But there is a little part of me which would have prefered to sleep and rest and reveal in the "baby in my belly" thing.

In Lamintation there is a beautiful verse about hoping in God, for yet i will praise him. I have hope for a baby- but it isn't certain hope. It's a please, please, please, I beg you God, have mercy kind of hope. But I have a certain hope that despite what happens I will praise him and know he is good.

Please Father- help me whatever the circumstances. But please. Amen
love Lady Grey

Hope and Heart-ache

Today was a funny old day.

I went for a walk this morning and I dreamed. I dreamed that this cycle- that one of the eggs that are currently growing inside of me- is the one. That it's going to happen. I imagined telling people. I imagined shopping for maternity clothes. I imagined having a baby.

Then I saw my GP. I hadn't seen her for months (she'd been away). I told her about the miscarriage. I told her we were on our four stim cycle.

She looked concerned.

And I wondered if I'm just kidding myself.

Can this ever happen?
love Lady Grey

Friends

Some people can be really insensitive. I read IF blogs and my heart just breaks.

But some people are incredibly sensitive.

Like my friend, who obviously worked hard to think about how she could tell me she was pregnant in her first try of IVF. We both sat in the coffee shop crying- and I knew that she was hurting for me, despite her joy, and I loved her for it.

Or my friend who turned up on my doorstep the same day that my affore-mentioned friend told me she was pregnant, because she knew I was being told that day, and she was worried about me.

Or another friend this week who was also concerned about how I was taking watching my friend growing bigger every day. She wanted to see how I was coping and how she can help.

Some people can be so sensitive and caring.
And just because we tend to focus on the bad and not the good, the horror stories and not the lovely ones- I just wanted to say- some people do everything they can to help you deal with your infertility.
and I love them for it.
love Lady Grey

BFN

Strange how things work.

Before properly starting my stim cycle- five days after I start my first meds, I have a pregnancy test to make sure I'm not "spontaneously pregnant".

And even though I know the result will be negative, even though I hold out very little hope.

It always sucks.

How great to not have to go through another stim cycle.

But even more, how great to have a baby.
love Lady Grey

Back in the Saddle

I really am doing a terrible job of keeping this blog up.

And its not as if nothing has been happening in the infertility side of my life.

But its just hard when I haven't told anyone. I am thinking about "following" other IF blogs with this blog, or even telling close friends. But still praying about that, I'd love the support and prayer but I need this to be a safe place, without any negativity or pain. Still thinking.

In an interesting piece of timing- we had our doctors appointment the week after the miscarriage. He was positive and encouraged us to do some more tests, just to see if we had any slightly unusual problems, or if there was a specific reason for the miscarriage.

Tim and I have seen a total of four different doctors for our infertility appointments. The doctor we have settled on is the first doctor we saw. We only changed off him because he is only twice a month on at the public clinic we attend, he spends most of his time at a private clinic. So we switched onto other doctors. But Tim and I have come to the very satisfied conclusion that it is better to see a good doctor that we trust rarely than to keep seeing doctors that let us down. One doctor was terrible, and a few just didn't seem to be as thorough, positive and sensitive as him. It is so nice to go to an appointment and not worry that the doctor might say or do something that hurts us.

There were no obvious problems (exhale), and so he told us it was try to try another Stim cycle. He talked through our chart and for the first time in months I didn't feel like a freak. He was able to discuss reasons why we probably hadn't gotten pregnant yet, and reasons why we still might. He tweaked our medication slightly and offered change which always helps my hope. He was so positive- he actually got me to think for the first time since the miscarriage- I might actually have a baby. And he has Tim convinced (bless him!) that this next cycle will be the one.

So I'm excited. But I'm also afraid. This last two months have been some of the hardest of my life. I feel so wounded, so raw. I haven't been my usual coping self. I've lost it in tears a few times in public, which is a rare thing. And when a friend got pregnant with her fourth (her third since we started trying) I was crushed again by the unfairness of life. I have some hope, but I also don't know how much I can face another disappointment, particularly another miscarriage. And I can't help thinking, if little Bonnie had made it I would be telling everyone now. I would be showing. I would be out of his hell-hole and back into real life of actually expecting a baby!

I find it hard to dissect how much of what I am feeling is due to the miscarriage and how much is just due to the usual fun of infertility. I know I don't need to know, but for some reason it helps to keep reminding myself that I've been through a really hard thing and that pain and despaire is a little bit normal.

My relationship with God is intact, more due to his grace than any strength I have! God is good, and I believe it and see it despite the pain. I had an amazing term of ministry. I have decided to stay on next year in my role, which was looking highly unlikely during the height of my pain. And as Tim and i plan for the future I am starting to get excited about things which aren't having a baby. But still, there are days when I physically ache with longing.

Please, please, please dear heavenly Father.
love Lady Jane.

I've been depressed

I've been angry

I've cried

I've screamed

I've had the worst few weeks of my life.

I know that this pain won't just go away.

But I've had three reasonable days in a row.

Days were I've been mostly okay and sometimes really sad and sometimes really angry.

But mostly okay.

I didn't know that I would ever be mostly okay again.

And even though I was so mad at him.

God has still been looking after me.

Grace.
Lady Grey