Back in the Saddle

I really am doing a terrible job of keeping this blog up.

And its not as if nothing has been happening in the infertility side of my life.

But its just hard when I haven't told anyone. I am thinking about "following" other IF blogs with this blog, or even telling close friends. But still praying about that, I'd love the support and prayer but I need this to be a safe place, without any negativity or pain. Still thinking.

In an interesting piece of timing- we had our doctors appointment the week after the miscarriage. He was positive and encouraged us to do some more tests, just to see if we had any slightly unusual problems, or if there was a specific reason for the miscarriage.

Tim and I have seen a total of four different doctors for our infertility appointments. The doctor we have settled on is the first doctor we saw. We only changed off him because he is only twice a month on at the public clinic we attend, he spends most of his time at a private clinic. So we switched onto other doctors. But Tim and I have come to the very satisfied conclusion that it is better to see a good doctor that we trust rarely than to keep seeing doctors that let us down. One doctor was terrible, and a few just didn't seem to be as thorough, positive and sensitive as him. It is so nice to go to an appointment and not worry that the doctor might say or do something that hurts us.

There were no obvious problems (exhale), and so he told us it was try to try another Stim cycle. He talked through our chart and for the first time in months I didn't feel like a freak. He was able to discuss reasons why we probably hadn't gotten pregnant yet, and reasons why we still might. He tweaked our medication slightly and offered change which always helps my hope. He was so positive- he actually got me to think for the first time since the miscarriage- I might actually have a baby. And he has Tim convinced (bless him!) that this next cycle will be the one.

So I'm excited. But I'm also afraid. This last two months have been some of the hardest of my life. I feel so wounded, so raw. I haven't been my usual coping self. I've lost it in tears a few times in public, which is a rare thing. And when a friend got pregnant with her fourth (her third since we started trying) I was crushed again by the unfairness of life. I have some hope, but I also don't know how much I can face another disappointment, particularly another miscarriage. And I can't help thinking, if little Bonnie had made it I would be telling everyone now. I would be showing. I would be out of his hell-hole and back into real life of actually expecting a baby!

I find it hard to dissect how much of what I am feeling is due to the miscarriage and how much is just due to the usual fun of infertility. I know I don't need to know, but for some reason it helps to keep reminding myself that I've been through a really hard thing and that pain and despaire is a little bit normal.

My relationship with God is intact, more due to his grace than any strength I have! God is good, and I believe it and see it despite the pain. I had an amazing term of ministry. I have decided to stay on next year in my role, which was looking highly unlikely during the height of my pain. And as Tim and i plan for the future I am starting to get excited about things which aren't having a baby. But still, there are days when I physically ache with longing.

Please, please, please dear heavenly Father.
love Lady Jane.

I've been depressed

I've been angry

I've cried

I've screamed

I've had the worst few weeks of my life.

I know that this pain won't just go away.

But I've had three reasonable days in a row.

Days were I've been mostly okay and sometimes really sad and sometimes really angry.

But mostly okay.

I didn't know that I would ever be mostly okay again.

And even though I was so mad at him.

God has still been looking after me.

Grace.
Lady Grey

Update

Not good.

Bleeding whole weekend.

Beta hcg only gone up by 100 on Monday. ie- a baby is not going to come out of this situation

Beta hcg goes up by 100 again on Wednesday. Fear of Ectopic surfaces

Today- in the clinic for two hours so that I could have an ultra sound that showed nothing. Doubly bad because not only was I have an ultra sound which didn't show a baby but I was to have an ultra sound which didn't show anything- so we still don't know what is going on.

And twice I was asked by staff "So, is this your first IVF transfer".

And how impossible and stupid do I feel to say "No, it's my seventh"

Blood test tomorrow.

Meanwhile I am still stabing myself with Clexan neddles, getting up at 5:30 to put in a pessary, and lying down at 1:30 and 9:30 for an hour for the other pessaries.

It seems like a cruel joke.

I know God is good, but this seems cruel, unjust, and so horrible. I don't understand.

I have never seen my husband so sad. He seems lost and he is so angry at God.

So I don't feel like I can morn properly because I want to be strong for him.

Please God

A break from all the crap?
love Lady Grey

My crazy week

The last four days since I have posted have been the strangest, craziest days of this whole IF process.

As I said in my last post- we had a very low pregnancy test reading which suggested a non-viable pregnancy. My 'score' was 20 on Saturday, and I was down to do another test on Wednesday. The chance I was given was pretty low. Stay on the meds, just in case, but don't get your hopes up.

I caught up with my friend Clare, who was twelve weeks pregnant with her own little IVF baby. I told her the story. I said to her "We believe in a God who can do miracles, who can raise the dead. So we are still praying. But we don't have hope".

Clare said she would pray too.

The next day I took the test (the ever positive nurse who took it kept saying- you never know, I'm hoping it'll be 120) and Tim came home so that we could hear the bad news together.

Ring Ring

"Hi it's Lady Grey here, calling for my results"

"Yep, they are looking fine"

"What, I mean, what do you mean?"

(Nurse takes a quick look at my chart- to find out why I sound so funny)"Well, it's gone up, it's now 185"

"WHAT!!! 185" (Tim looking at me in shock, trying to work out what was going on)

"Does this mean that I'm pregnant, is everything alright?".

"No, it does mean you are pregnant, but an early low result is a bad sign. I would give you fifty fifty chance that this pregnancy will go on".

Tim and I were in shock. We couldn't believe it. We didn't want to get excited. But 50/50 was the highest percentage we had heard for a long time.

When I told Clare she was amazed, and her face book status read "Clare believes in a God of miracles, and answered prayers".

24 hours later- bleeding. Heavy bleeding.

I called. The lady said not to panic, to come in for a test the next morning, and stay on my medication.

I took another blood test, but again, Tim and I sat by the phone, holding each other, expecting more bad news.

Nurse Julie "(Silence- sounds like its going to be bad news) Well, results indicated 540 so it's still right on track. Looks like everything is still going okay".

She told me not to stress. She told me to relax and not to do housework (joking though- so it didn't get me out of any). She told me that I shouldn't be stressed or anxious but that she knew that I would be. She said to come in on Monday if the bleeding continued for another blood test.

The bleeding continued.

So now I sit on Saturday morning- no idea what to feel.

It's hard to believe that a baby could still be inside of me when I've had the equivalent of almost two days worth of period heavy bleeding.

But stranger things have happened this week. I am NOT without hope

And to tell the truth.

For the first time in around 3 years.

I believe in a God of miracles.
love Lady Grey

Stats

This is for my record mainly. Because even though its a bit depressing- it feels like an achievement. I sometimes feel like a failer because I'm not pregnant. But I've done all I can- I've been really strong and that is something I can hold onto when I'm feeling worthless

First Stim
3 fertilised
2 to blastocyst
1 fresh transfered (Elizabeth)
1 frozen transfered (Ethan)

Second Stim
5 fertilised
2 to blastocyst
1 fresh transfered
Implanted but didn't stay (Victoria)
1 frozen transfered (Jack)

Third Stim
6 fertilised (one frozen at 2p stage)
3 to blastocyst
Estrigen levels high so all frozen
1 didn't survive the defrosting
1 frozen implanted (Esther)
2p grown to 3 cells then transfered (William)
1 frozen transfer- implnated but HG levels only 20 suggesting non-viable pregnancy.
Next HG test tomorrow.

SO:
3 stim
7 transfers
approx
184 pesseries
80 injections
45 blood tests

Dear Father,
I know that you love me. And I know that whatever happens is not because you don't love me but because you do. But your son told the story of the pesistant widow so we would persever and not give up.
And so I will ask again.
Please give us a baby.
Let it be the little one inside me now.
Please give us a baby.
Please Father.
I love you,
AMEN

Update

Feels strange to update a blog with no body reading- but I feel that I might as well. This blog might one day be something worth looking back on- when all these details that are so fresh and raw grow stale.

This was today.
7am- Pregnancy Blood test
8am- reading
9am-hang with husband
11am-walk
12pm- bleeding
12:01pm- Running around the house screaming and crying "It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair.

Then it got to 12:30pm- and I called to hear the words that I wasn't pregnant.

I didn't hear those words

I didn't hear the words I longed to hear.

I heard this.

"Your level is only 20, which means that it is very unlikely that you are going to be pregnant. Normal level is 100"

It's such a strange feeling. It's both not as bad as it could be and yet it's not really good. It's like a disappointment and its kinda not. It's not that I have hope. I don't. I know that this little embryo inside me is either dead or dying.

But it feels like something. It feels like a step, a bit of new information, a change from the usual no, no, no.

It feels like maybe, just maybe, this might one day happen.

I am of course praying to the God of miricles that if my little one is dying that he will save her.

It's so hard. Tim is taking it way harder than me. Anything that involves any medicine just confuses him. I keep forgetting I've eaten, sleepen, and drunk infertility information for three and a half years. He's just figured stuff out as he's gone along. SO when I tell him that our embroy is most likely dying- his face just feel.

I still grieve like crazy. Seven embryos is such a huge number- and part of me just wants to fall apart. Am I stupid to keep hoping? I let Tim name our last little one (he called him William). I think I'll let him name this little one too.

Today when I was lying in bed Tim came in and held me. He said "I promise you that I will do everything I can, and you will have a happy life. I promise that when you are old you will be surrounded by people who love you.

That is my biggest fear. Being Old. Alone.
LG

The hardest thing

Children are not a right. I know that.

A friend asked me today, over a cuppa and lots of tears- what were the things that I found hard about Infertilty.

There are so many things

I want a baby.
I work so hard to get pregnant and nothing.
I pray and nothing happens.
I want a big family and now I might not have one at all.
It just seems so unfair.

I know that children are not a right.

But I can't get it out of my head.

I should have a two year old by now.

And I have nothing.

LG