Shadow over everything

Vaguely pulling myself together again, though still finding things hard.

Strangely, one of the hardest things has been conversations with my parents. This negative has hit them really hard, I think because they knew the timing of the transfer and were more aware of what was going on. They keep asking "The doctors can't tell you anything about why it didn't work?". It is hard to explain to them that you just don't always know why a good embryo doesn't stay. I think it hit my mother hard because up to this point we've been expecting to have a child interstate, away from my parents. But because we are moving to my hometown next year, this baby would have been born near my parents. I think Mum was more excited for that reason, so more disappointed as well.

It's so hard. So many pregnant people in my life. So many bellies that scream out "This is what you would have had if Thumper had lived". It is so completely unbearable.

And Thumper has given us hope that I can get pregnant and yet I haven't . So once again my heart is sick with disappointment. Sick with dreams that don't come true.

There have been good things happening this week. Great conversations, fun with Earl. But this shadow covers everything. I know as his month progresses I will feel better. But only to feel worse again as once again I jump into this last cycle. We had so much hope for these three embryos! The idea that they all might not make it is so unfair.

Is my baby ever going to come?
LG

Not coping

I'm so tired.

We have pretty much decided to have a break this coming month. The hard thing about that is that it means that it is very, very unlikely that we will be pregnant before Thumper's due date. Which means that this coming two months are going to be horrible. Today is two months away from his due date. I can hardly bear it. Why do my babies die? :''''''''''(

I am so overwhelmed with the unfairness of it all. So often I hear so many happy stories of pregnancies for those who struggle with infertility. But how journey just seems to be getting blacker and blacker.

I'm not coping very well.
Please pray.
LG

BFN

Not a surprise. But still a very sad day

Waiting for the inevitable no

A little more bleeding. I have no hope for this test.

Did a fair bit of mourning last night- I didn't get to sleep until after 12, despite going to bed at 10. Thinking through, asking questions, wondering why.

At evening church we had a talk on Ecclesiastes 3- which is all about there being a time for everything. I cried through the talk (as subtly as I could in the front row), before needing to leave near the end. These verses grieve us because when Thumper came we asked "Is our time of morning over?". But it wasn't, it was only just beginning. The chapter says that God will make everything beautiful in his time. When?

This morning as I went in for my blood test I told the nurse about the bleeding. "It's not fair" she said "It's your turn!". That's how i feel. It is my time to have a pregnancy that lasts. I am so, so, so confident that I will have a child at some stage- (I don't really have any good evidence for it except for Thumper's conception). But why can't it be this one :'(

This morning I lay in Earl's arms, so very thankful for his touch and warmth and kindness and love. We are so sad, so grieved. But we are together.

I am still taking my medication of course. There is always the tiny chance of a positive beta, and besides, I feel like these are the last acts I can do on this earth for my precious little one, to take medication, to acknowledge how important this embie is, how much I wish that I could hold and feed and love and teach. But all I can do now is take medication. And praying for an unlikely miracle.

Earl said yesterday, reflecting on Thumper "We were going to have a baby. And then we weren't. It is so wrong".

4 hours until beta results.
Pray for us.
LG

1 day and hope retreating

1 day until beta.

I have had the slightest touch of dark, old bleeding.

I am not totally without hope, but it feels like the kind of thing that is the warning of a bad day tomorrow. I'm praying like crazy, but I'm so sad, and trying to leave a bit of the emotions for tomorrow. There is still the possibility that everything is going to be good. But there is the real possibility of a big, fat, ugly negative and I am struggling.

I'm fighting off sickness so I am feeling tired and warn out as well.

Where the hell is my miracle?
LG

Playing games

3 days until beta

It is facinating watching my mind and my emotions playing games as we head towards another beta.

After the drama's of the other night, as I lay in bed imagining the possibility of loosing a baby because of my own stupidity, I was so sure that I was pregnant.

And even though there isn't any real evidence to suggest this is the case, the feeling is continuing on and I am filled with strange optomism and hope about Monday's test.

And it is such a lovely feeling I'm contimplating whether I should nip it in the bud so as to not be disappointed with a BFN, or to just ride it and see what happens

I have been getting light cramping all week, even before my dramatic night. I would assume it was a bad sign, but I can't work out why on a natural cycle before being anywhere near day 28, I would be getting cramping. So i don't know if it's a good sign or a bad sign or just progesterone working it's magic.

My belly is definately more bloated than normal. But who knows what that means?

One of the things that I find so strange about this blog, is that these are things I am not telling anyone else- not even Earl because I don't want to get him hopeful or depressed (generally he gets through the 2ww by just trying not to think about it until the last moment). I didn't tell my prayer buddies, because neither of them know we are doing IVF. I haven't told my family or my BFF, because we like to keep the timing of the cycle a secret so we can choose ourselves when to reveal good or bad news.

But you lovely ladies who read this blog don't know the colour of my eyes, or what foods I love, what non-baby dreams i have for the future, or Earl's real name. It is a strangely intimate, and yet removed. Facinating.

But I am so thankful to have you guys along for the ride. I used to feel so alone on this journey but I'm so glad to have so many who understand this crazy world.
love you guys!
LG

Terrible night, and hopefully not TMI

As part of my natural cycle the doctors have given me one progesterone pessarie to insert once a day. It's not a big dose, just something to help things along. Anyway, I take it at 11pm, which means that sometimes I'll go to bed early and my alarm will go off on my phone to let me know that I need to get up, go down stairs to the fridge, get out a pressary, and then go back upstairs.

Last night I woke up at 3:30am and realised, I couldn't remember putting it in!

Panic stations!

I rushed down stairs and counted my pessaries in the fridge. I was pretty sure the number suggested I hadn't put it in, but I wasn't sure.

And um (this is the TMI part) phyically there was more mosixture than I would expect if I hadn't put it in.

I didn't know what to do! I had evidence that I had and evidence that I hadn't.

Poor Earl was woken up, but he was no help. He couldn't remember if I'd gotten up. I knew it was possible that I got up and put it in but was so tired I didn't recall it, but I didn't want to take a chance.

I decided to go with the physical signs and not do anything, but to go to the clinic first thing in the morning to get their advice.

But I lay in bed for at least an hour asking "Have I killed my baby?".

I hate, hate, hate, hate the idea that my baby might be being kept alive by medicine that by my own stupidity or just circumstances I might not take. It is just so much pressure and so hard.

Last night at Bible study someone commented on one girls growing baby belly. The girl looked embarrassed and said "I'm not doing anything, it just happens"

But for me it doesn't just happen, it takes Meds, and the idea that my precious baby might be dead because my alarm might not have woken me up was unbearable.

I went to the clinic and the nurse told me it was okay, but to go home and put in a pessary just in case. Too much won't hurt, and as my body is still making it's own progesterone it should be alright with the morning dose added in to tide me over until tonight.

I feel like an incredible weight has been lifted off.

I don't know what the point of this post is except that IVF is hard and its hard in ways that they don't tell you in books or in your doctors appointments.

5 days until beta
LG