Life is hard.
My Nephew is alive, but if he survives the womb he is almost garenteed to be highly disabled. Please pray for my family, and particularly my sister and brother in law. This is a huge, hard deal. And pray for our little nephew. We love him so much, we want to meet him and love him. We realise that being an Auntie and Uncle to a disabled child is a whole different thing to being a parent who cares for them every day and we ache for the hard road that our dear family is facing.
It is so strange that all this is happening in the lead up to a beta. I don't know how to think about it. In some ways the beta is dwarfed by the hugeness of this news. But in other ways the beta seems like a chance for joy and hope in a horrible time. And of course, nothing can take away or distract from the fact that we love this baby and we want it to stay.
Two days to go.
love Lady Grey
Friday, August 19, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Please Please Pray
I just got a text from my sister-in-law saying that her baby is not doing well. She had her 12 week scan yesterday. Please pray for her, for her husband, and for our precious neice and nephew. We will know more when we talk to her tonight, but I feel so lost. As much as I struggled with jealousy I never, never, never wanted this!
Please pray that God spares the precious baby's life.
love Lady Grey
Please pray that God spares the precious baby's life.
love Lady Grey
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I don't want another Stim cycle
Getting to the nervy part of the 2 week wait, where you over analyse every queasy feeling and every cramp. Where every trip to the toilet is a nightmare because you are so scared of tell-tale blood. Where you want so much to have a baby inside you, where you feel so attached and yet you just don't know if you are attached to someone who is already gone.
One thing that I am really conscious of this time is that we are on our last embie. Which is sad because I was so sure that one of Thumper's little buddies would have stayed. It's scary, scary that despite a pregnancy it still seems so hard for me to get pregnant.
And I don't want to do another cycle. As I wince with pain over my Clexane needle I think- I DON"T WANT TO DO ANOTHER STIM CYCLE! I don't want three different needles to poke into me. I don't want the fear before-hand. I don't want the bloated belly. I am happy to do anything to have a baby but one reason I want this to work (lowest on the list of course but it still makes it) is because I just want to be pregnant and to not have to do IVF anymore.
It's been so long. It's just been so long and so hard and I want it to end. I'm not ready to stop trying. But I just want a baby.
Please?
LG
One thing that I am really conscious of this time is that we are on our last embie. Which is sad because I was so sure that one of Thumper's little buddies would have stayed. It's scary, scary that despite a pregnancy it still seems so hard for me to get pregnant.
And I don't want to do another cycle. As I wince with pain over my Clexane needle I think- I DON"T WANT TO DO ANOTHER STIM CYCLE! I don't want three different needles to poke into me. I don't want the fear before-hand. I don't want the bloated belly. I am happy to do anything to have a baby but one reason I want this to work (lowest on the list of course but it still makes it) is because I just want to be pregnant and to not have to do IVF anymore.
It's been so long. It's just been so long and so hard and I want it to end. I'm not ready to stop trying. But I just want a baby.
Please?
LG
Sunday, August 14, 2011
The fun of meds and travel
Earl and I are about to go to a conference this afternoon.
Earl, I, and my meds.
It's such a frustrating scenario. I have the iceblock in the fridge, which will be useful to get the meds to the conference site. Then I will have to talk to staff there about the possibility of using a fridge to put my medicine in. This is a conference where I don't really know people and where I really don't want people knowing I'm in the middle of an IVF cycle. Not only that, but I have to access my meds at 11pm- which might be an issue if the rooms which contain the fridge are closed up by that time.
I'm sure it will be fine. It's been fine in the past. I've flown on planes with medication. I've stayed with relatives with medication. I've been on conferences with medication.
But it is a stress and a hassle that I don't need right now.
"Why don't they stay? Why don't our embryos stick? What can we do to make them stick? What is the problem? What made Thumper stick?" These were the questions Earl was asking me last night. I had to ask him to stop. Because all these questions bring up all the insecurities about the fact that my womb is incomplete and that I feel like a baby killer. Good embryos go in, nothing comes out.
Earl doesn't think that. He just doesn't understand how it all work, and how it all doesn't work.
But I don't want to think about that. I want to think that there is a baby in my belly. A baby who is not dead. A baby who is attaching and growing. A baby that will make itself known in almost exactly a weeks time.
Please, please, please! Amen
LG
Earl, I, and my meds.
It's such a frustrating scenario. I have the iceblock in the fridge, which will be useful to get the meds to the conference site. Then I will have to talk to staff there about the possibility of using a fridge to put my medicine in. This is a conference where I don't really know people and where I really don't want people knowing I'm in the middle of an IVF cycle. Not only that, but I have to access my meds at 11pm- which might be an issue if the rooms which contain the fridge are closed up by that time.
I'm sure it will be fine. It's been fine in the past. I've flown on planes with medication. I've stayed with relatives with medication. I've been on conferences with medication.
But it is a stress and a hassle that I don't need right now.
"Why don't they stay? Why don't our embryos stick? What can we do to make them stick? What is the problem? What made Thumper stick?" These were the questions Earl was asking me last night. I had to ask him to stop. Because all these questions bring up all the insecurities about the fact that my womb is incomplete and that I feel like a baby killer. Good embryos go in, nothing comes out.
Earl doesn't think that. He just doesn't understand how it all work, and how it all doesn't work.
But I don't want to think about that. I want to think that there is a baby in my belly. A baby who is not dead. A baby who is attaching and growing. A baby that will make itself known in almost exactly a weeks time.
Please, please, please! Amen
LG
Friday, August 12, 2011
A proud Moment
Ever since I found out Earl sister is having a baby, I've been feeling better and better about it, and more and more excited. I know part of it is that we are two week waiting and I have all these romantic dreams of being pregnant with her and our kids being the best of friends ;P
But there is still a lot of hardness wrapped up inside it, for all that. 5 days after the beta I will be seeing her and celebrating her birthday. I'm preparing myself that this will be a hard time.
I've left messages on her phone, we've facebook messaged each other, and I'm hoping to call her today. Partly just to find out details- Earl was so shocked when she called he didn't ask. They haven't told 'the public' yet, so I'm assuming it's still pre-12 weeks.
And though I'm excited about moving back home, and very happy that I will be living near by when my niece/nephew is born, I'm not looking forward to the many months of pregnant belly watching that will be ahead of me. So funny, belly's are so hard, though babies are so cute and lovely, I can cope with them.
Anyway, onto my proud moment.
CS Lewis (I think) says that the best way to grow in love when you are struggling to love someone is to show love. So when you know you should love someone but your angry or jealous instead, do something nice for them and you will feel happy about them. This has been my philosophy for many years. It became a joke in our first year of marriage, because I would bring my husband a bowl of ice-cream for no reason and he would say "What have I done this time?"
So I've been thinking of ways I can care for my sister-in-law, partly because I love her and my niece/nephew and I want to keep the relationship good, and partly because I know it will help me to deal with the next 7-8 months better if I can feel love towards her.
Some things I am thinking of doing is maybe knitting something for her baby, maybe throwing her a baby shower (I don't know if that is just too hard). But I want to buy someone for them for their baby.
I went to a baby kingdom shop two weeks ago. I was in their for about 30 seconds, but then I had to leave there crying. It was just too hard. It had been so long and having a baby still felt so far away. It seems so wrong, so wrong that we had been trying before she and her husband got engaged, and here she was with her baby on the way and my arms were still empty. So hard that Thumper could have been with me that day, in my arms!
Yesterday, I was going past that same shop.
I took a deep breath, and tried again.
I managed to walk through the whole shop. I even picked up a few items and was shocked at how expensive baby things are! I didn't find anything to get them, but I walked about of the shop with a tear free face.
I felt proud.
And my love for my niece/nephew and their mother grew that little bit stronger.
LG
But there is still a lot of hardness wrapped up inside it, for all that. 5 days after the beta I will be seeing her and celebrating her birthday. I'm preparing myself that this will be a hard time.
I've left messages on her phone, we've facebook messaged each other, and I'm hoping to call her today. Partly just to find out details- Earl was so shocked when she called he didn't ask. They haven't told 'the public' yet, so I'm assuming it's still pre-12 weeks.
And though I'm excited about moving back home, and very happy that I will be living near by when my niece/nephew is born, I'm not looking forward to the many months of pregnant belly watching that will be ahead of me. So funny, belly's are so hard, though babies are so cute and lovely, I can cope with them.
Anyway, onto my proud moment.
CS Lewis (I think) says that the best way to grow in love when you are struggling to love someone is to show love. So when you know you should love someone but your angry or jealous instead, do something nice for them and you will feel happy about them. This has been my philosophy for many years. It became a joke in our first year of marriage, because I would bring my husband a bowl of ice-cream for no reason and he would say "What have I done this time?"
So I've been thinking of ways I can care for my sister-in-law, partly because I love her and my niece/nephew and I want to keep the relationship good, and partly because I know it will help me to deal with the next 7-8 months better if I can feel love towards her.
Some things I am thinking of doing is maybe knitting something for her baby, maybe throwing her a baby shower (I don't know if that is just too hard). But I want to buy someone for them for their baby.
I went to a baby kingdom shop two weeks ago. I was in their for about 30 seconds, but then I had to leave there crying. It was just too hard. It had been so long and having a baby still felt so far away. It seems so wrong, so wrong that we had been trying before she and her husband got engaged, and here she was with her baby on the way and my arms were still empty. So hard that Thumper could have been with me that day, in my arms!
Yesterday, I was going past that same shop.
I took a deep breath, and tried again.
I managed to walk through the whole shop. I even picked up a few items and was shocked at how expensive baby things are! I didn't find anything to get them, but I walked about of the shop with a tear free face.
I felt proud.
And my love for my niece/nephew and their mother grew that little bit stronger.
LG
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Infertility and my lack of brain
First thing- transfer happened. Our precious little embryo is on the inside :) Please continue to pray for it.
As the embryo went in, the doctor smiled at me and said, "I think it's time for you to have some luck. I think it really is your turn." The nurse and embryologist concurred.
I smiled. I really appreciate the real love and genuine concern I get at my clinic. They all know my story, even just from browsing my chart. They all want this one to be the one who stays.
The funny thing is, I am not supposed to believe in luck. I am someone who believes that God is in control, and therefore luck and superstitions are not suppose to play apart.
That is what my brain says.
But Infertility means that sometimes the brain doesn't come into it.
The sad thing about my transfer was that because Earl was so sick, the doctor thought it best that he didn't bring his germs into theatre. So he didn't get to see our embryo, he didn't get to sit by and hold my hand, and it was sad for both of us. But he said to me afterwards "This is different. Different is good. Maybe it's a sign".
Signs! They are everywhere. The sky on the day of transfer. The birth,death, birthday, anniversary of someone around transfer time. The things people say. The things I eat the next day. Everything, everything I read as if it might have something to say about the result in 2 weeks time. And i obsess about my time with Thumper- wishing I could make careful notes of that two weeks last year so I can copy exactly and get a BFP (and of course do everything differently once I have it so the baby lives).
It's so silly.
But that's what happens. I had a green tea today. Did I have a green tea with thumper? Did I have a green tea in any failed cycles. Is Green tea the deciding factor that means that this embryo will stick?
Of course my brain tells me that this is silly, my hormones, the strength of our little one, and ultimately God are much more deciding factors than weather or Earl's sickness. But I long and hope so much, it absorbs me and I think "sign, sign, sign".
I search for hope where it isn't, just because I need it to survive this little while.
Oh how I long for this baby. It's so overwhelming. Please, please, please!
Lady Grey
As the embryo went in, the doctor smiled at me and said, "I think it's time for you to have some luck. I think it really is your turn." The nurse and embryologist concurred.
I smiled. I really appreciate the real love and genuine concern I get at my clinic. They all know my story, even just from browsing my chart. They all want this one to be the one who stays.
The funny thing is, I am not supposed to believe in luck. I am someone who believes that God is in control, and therefore luck and superstitions are not suppose to play apart.
That is what my brain says.
But Infertility means that sometimes the brain doesn't come into it.
The sad thing about my transfer was that because Earl was so sick, the doctor thought it best that he didn't bring his germs into theatre. So he didn't get to see our embryo, he didn't get to sit by and hold my hand, and it was sad for both of us. But he said to me afterwards "This is different. Different is good. Maybe it's a sign".
Signs! They are everywhere. The sky on the day of transfer. The birth,death, birthday, anniversary of someone around transfer time. The things people say. The things I eat the next day. Everything, everything I read as if it might have something to say about the result in 2 weeks time. And i obsess about my time with Thumper- wishing I could make careful notes of that two weeks last year so I can copy exactly and get a BFP (and of course do everything differently once I have it so the baby lives).
It's so silly.
But that's what happens. I had a green tea today. Did I have a green tea with thumper? Did I have a green tea in any failed cycles. Is Green tea the deciding factor that means that this embryo will stick?
Of course my brain tells me that this is silly, my hormones, the strength of our little one, and ultimately God are much more deciding factors than weather or Earl's sickness. But I long and hope so much, it absorbs me and I think "sign, sign, sign".
I search for hope where it isn't, just because I need it to survive this little while.
Oh how I long for this baby. It's so overwhelming. Please, please, please!
Lady Grey
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Transfer Day- never as predicted
I have this dream that one day I will have a lovely relaxing refreshing transfer day.
HA!
Though last one I was super stressed about work, and so this is a huge improvement- but Earl has developed a cold and he always turns into a two year old little boy when he's sick. So I was woken up by his groaning and coughing, and of course on transfer day I couldn't get back to sleep. And I've had a few night time trips out of bed to fill his hot water bottle and to get him things :}
I'm just hoping he makes it out of bed to see our little ones go in! (which of course he will).
And then, for various reasons, it's off first to accupuncture, then to work, where I will be into the evening.
Not feeling as confident today. Lay in bed and stared at thumpers ultra sound admist the coughing, praying and thinking: "Is this going to happen?". I realised that there is so much fear, not just of negative beta's but also of a misscarriage. What if I am one of those people who only ever miscarries?
But for all that, I have hope.
LG
HA!
Though last one I was super stressed about work, and so this is a huge improvement- but Earl has developed a cold and he always turns into a two year old little boy when he's sick. So I was woken up by his groaning and coughing, and of course on transfer day I couldn't get back to sleep. And I've had a few night time trips out of bed to fill his hot water bottle and to get him things :}
I'm just hoping he makes it out of bed to see our little ones go in! (which of course he will).
And then, for various reasons, it's off first to accupuncture, then to work, where I will be into the evening.
Not feeling as confident today. Lay in bed and stared at thumpers ultra sound admist the coughing, praying and thinking: "Is this going to happen?". I realised that there is so much fear, not just of negative beta's but also of a misscarriage. What if I am one of those people who only ever miscarries?
But for all that, I have hope.
LG
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