BFN

Today was a BFN. So it is all over, just as I thought it might be. I'm pretty sad about it, but i did my falling apart morning yesterday so this morning I'm not going to badly-considering. But I miss my baby so much. I don't know why it has to be so hard. It seems like so many people everywhere are so blessed and my road just gets harder and harder. IT JUST SUCKS!!!!

Earl is taking it really hard. Please pray for us.

So, it begins again. Stim cycle.

Two good positives though.

It seems to me that our embryo wasn't particularly strong, but it still attached. Perhaps it was the accupuncture? And the first embryo from our last stim cycle was Thumper. So maybe accupuncture plus stronger embryo might actually equal baby? That is what I'm praying.

And the other thing is that I was talking to my counsellor and she said at the clinic staff meeting coming up, she's make sure me and my case are on the list to talk about, so that all the clinic doctors can look through my files and perhaps think of some things to tweak to maybe get it right this time.

This weekend is going to be so hard :'(
Where is my baby God?
LG

:'(

Am now getting some pretty heavy bleeding.

So very very very sad.

Seriously, why is my road like this. So very, very hard.

I don't get it.
LG

fsldkjfsldkjflskdjf

I feeling so lost.

Been feeling like vomiting but had the tiniest bit of spotting. Freaking out about the results later today. And I have so much to do today, so much pretending to be happy and perfectly fine, as if my world is not potentially about to be smashed.

Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to get through this day.

And whatever happens, tonight is a bucks party Earl is organising, followed by a wedding where he is the best man, followed by birthday celebrations with his sister which will, rightly, be all about the good news of our nephew, and very baby centric. Where we will have to hold it together and not just be okay but happy.

Sigh.

I asked the nurse who took my bloods, "what shall we aim for?". She smiled and said, "Let's go for 500, why not?".

So that's my aim. 500 beta.

She always manages to make me smile even on days like this.
Small mercies.
LG

Good news on the Nephew Front!

Feeling a little stunned.

My Sister-in-law called me today to tell me that their follow-up scan was completely normal, no abnormality and no spina-bifida. It is the most amazing incredible miracle. We were praying for this but we still didn't quite imagine that it would happen.

And it's her birthday :) I was wondering what to say since I thought it would be insensitive to say Happy Birthday, but it turns out that it is the happiest day you can imagine.

And I have started a little beanie for her precious little one.

But there is a very little sad, quiet part of me that I don't like to admit that is there which is saying...where is my miracle?

Hopefully it's on Thursday.
LG

Some more thoughts on the SSP and next steps

I have now had nearly had 24 hours to process my SSP.

IT is still really hard to know how to think.

In many ways, I feel exactly as I did before the beta. There is a chance that I will have a baby, there is a chance we will not. There is no finality or answers. It is just a continuation of the unknown.

But at the same time it is also very different, because of what it might mean.

The weird cramps and the unusual amount of bloating has a reason behind it. And whatever happens, we have another implantation. My evil killer Uterus has done the right thing once again. Is it the accupunction? It is the weight loss? I don't know what caused it but something has worked.

This little one was always a slight increased risk of a biochemical pregnancy, because the "baby" bit of the embryo was quite a bit smaller than I've seen in previous embryos. But maybe there is a baby still there and growing, it just needs to catch up a bit?

I don't know.

Praying like crazy. Have to wait until Thursday for my next beta, to see if it doubles or increases to the rates they expect.

But I'm still bloated and still haven't bleed, which is much more than I can say from the last time this happened.

Really praying this baby makes it,
LG

SSP

I'm making up a new word.

A Small Skinny Positive.

That is what I got.

The beta was 37, when a BFP would be over 100. As the nurse said, it's a mixed result. It's not a good result, but people do occasionally go on to have pregnancies after such low results.

So I really don't know how to think. This has happened before, we had a 20 beta last year. It doubled as it should for a while, but then died out.

I'm not sad, I'm not devastated.

But I'm not happy either. It's all just weird and strange. I really want this baby to survive.
Please pray,
LG

Results in 5 and a half hours

Beta day.

I really don't know what to think. I haven't had any bleeding this time, which has only happened twice (once with Thumper, and my first frozen natural cycle which was still a BFN). I am getting cramps, but they are weird pelvic ones, which my acupuncturist recons could be a reaction to progesterone. But I don't know. I am definitely quite bloated, I am more pimply than normal, but these are all period signs as well as pregnancy signs. Grrrrr....

I don't want to get excited, because with no more little embies from Thumpers batch this will hit harder than it normally does (which is still hard). But its difficult not to hope when with no bleeding I at least feel like it's a chance.

We've talked more with the family about my nephew. The information seems to be from the doctors that it is unlikely he will survive the womb, though there is a chance. They have a scan this week to find out more. Every one's pretty sad. We are with them next weekend, which will be an important family time.

Five and a half hours to go.
LG