I really am doing a terrible job of keeping this blog up.
And its not as if nothing has been happening in the infertility side of my life.
But its just hard when I haven't told anyone. I am thinking about "following" other IF blogs with this blog, or even telling close friends. But still praying about that, I'd love the support and prayer but I need this to be a safe place, without any negativity or pain. Still thinking.
In an interesting piece of timing- we had our doctors appointment the week after the miscarriage. He was positive and encouraged us to do some more tests, just to see if we had any slightly unusual problems, or if there was a specific reason for the miscarriage.
Tim and I have seen a total of four different doctors for our infertility appointments. The doctor we have settled on is the first doctor we saw. We only changed off him because he is only twice a month on at the public clinic we attend, he spends most of his time at a private clinic. So we switched onto other doctors. But Tim and I have come to the very satisfied conclusion that it is better to see a good doctor that we trust rarely than to keep seeing doctors that let us down. One doctor was terrible, and a few just didn't seem to be as thorough, positive and sensitive as him. It is so nice to go to an appointment and not worry that the doctor might say or do something that hurts us.
There were no obvious problems (exhale), and so he told us it was try to try another Stim cycle. He talked through our chart and for the first time in months I didn't feel like a freak. He was able to discuss reasons why we probably hadn't gotten pregnant yet, and reasons why we still might. He tweaked our medication slightly and offered change which always helps my hope. He was so positive- he actually got me to think for the first time since the miscarriage- I might actually have a baby. And he has Tim convinced (bless him!) that this next cycle will be the one.
So I'm excited. But I'm also afraid. This last two months have been some of the hardest of my life. I feel so wounded, so raw. I haven't been my usual coping self. I've lost it in tears a few times in public, which is a rare thing. And when a friend got pregnant with her fourth (her third since we started trying) I was crushed again by the unfairness of life. I have some hope, but I also don't know how much I can face another disappointment, particularly another miscarriage. And I can't help thinking, if little Bonnie had made it I would be telling everyone now. I would be showing. I would be out of his hell-hole and back into real life of actually expecting a baby!
I find it hard to dissect how much of what I am feeling is due to the miscarriage and how much is just due to the usual fun of infertility. I know I don't need to know, but for some reason it helps to keep reminding myself that I've been through a really hard thing and that pain and despaire is a little bit normal.
My relationship with God is intact, more due to his grace than any strength I have! God is good, and I believe it and see it despite the pain. I had an amazing term of ministry. I have decided to stay on next year in my role, which was looking highly unlikely during the height of my pain. And as Tim and i plan for the future I am starting to get excited about things which aren't having a baby. But still, there are days when I physically ache with longing.
Please, please, please dear heavenly Father.
love Lady Jane.