"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Saturday, July 30, 2011

In a Tangible way

I had a beautiful day today.

It was lazy and fun and wonderful. I read and I cooked a cake for a friends birthday and I went out for coffee with Earl and I went for a walk at sunset. It was such a special day.

And it felt like a real gift.

Yesterday was a day of openning up to friends. The girls I pray with (including my friend who is due in two weeks) heard the no holes barred view of my week. And rather than pulling back, or trying to give pat answers, they thanked me for my honesty. Why aren't I more open all the time. It's so special. Then my bestie rang up. I was fully expecting her to tell me she was pregnat (after the month I've had, it seemed so likely), but she isn't, and so we were able to have another frank conversation about my state of mind. My prayer friends had asked that God would show me his goodness and gentleness in a really tangible way. I suspect my lovely, romatic, restful day was an answer to that prayer.

Only one more day of July to get through. Then we will be in August. August, the month of another transfer! August the month that is NOT July. The last two July's have been so difficult and hard, so I am praying this August is an August of hope. And that come this time last year- our prayers will finally be answers and our arms will finally be full.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The trauma of Happy/Sad news

We got the call last night. The call that I have been stressing and dreading for the last three years.

Earl's sister is pregnant.
What happy/sad news. Seriously- I can't put it another way. It is so happy/sad. It is not sad. It is not happy. I am thrilled and I am devastated.

It is so weird because I know this little one is going to be the most precious baby to me in the world- other than my own kids. This is my neice or nephew!

But it seriously feels like I've been punched in the face (Thumpers due date) and then kicked in the guts (this news). I pray every day for a baby. But sometimes I add a little post script "Please, please, please, whatever happens, please let us have a baby before Earl's sister". In the time that we have been trying each side of the family has had someone who has had "The first great-grandchild". Who has not been us. Now the first Grandchild is gone too.

Another case of a prayer being answered with no.

In very good timing, I read this wonderful post about these kind of situations here. It helped me. Because I always feel so guilty about how I feel about other pregnancies. But it's another thing that Infertility robs you of. The chance to be truly joyful for your friends.

I am encouraged that so many of you who blog have such wonderful relationships with your neices and nephews. I pray for the same.

Please pray for me. It's getting really hard.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Thumper Day

"This can be the day that we remember Thumper always. It seems nicer than the day we found out he died" I said last night.

Earl shook his head "Yes, this day. Let's never remember that other day ever again".

And so we had our first Thumper day- on the estimated due date of when he would have been born

It was in many ways a good day. It was good because I had a really great meeting with my counsellor. She is so good at reminding me of true things about our chances (I tend to be more pessimistic than the doctors), and also so good at just letting me talk! It was a day of support, as my husband put a cryptic but "you know if you know" message on facebook about what the day meant, and as friends told us they were praying for us. It was a day of lots of tears, as we grieved and thought about what might have been.

We had a special dinner, we prayed, and we talked.

I wish, wish, wish, wish that we were pregnant now. Because then the day could have been about Thumper, and not another day of feeling so sad about infertility and where it has left us.

But all in all, a special and not just painful day.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

One day to go

I'm home sick.

I've been home sick for four days now. It is very unlike me. I can't remember the last time I was out for the count like this. It's a tummy bug, which is frustrating because my mind is normal and functioning, I'm just really tired and feeling ordinary. Now that it's Sunday my lovely Earl has headed off for a full day at church, and I am stuck here at home by-myself :( Not a pleasant way for an extrovert to spend her day.

It's been a strangely anti-climactic way to approach Thumpers Due date tomorrow.

In some ways I feel like I did my morning last week. Last week was the time when I did my falling apart, my I can't copes, my Why God Why? moments.

Now is this strange time of feeling very close to my dear boy, of wishing he was here but for once not being able to imagine it. Because if he was here he probably wouldn't be a baby bump anymore. He would he HERE, on the outside. And that just seems so far away, so much harder to imagine. I actually find it much easier to picture meeting him in heaven than to picture giving birth to him. Perhaps that means I'm learning to accept what has happened.

I wondering if I will now stop praying that God will go back in time and give him life? I haven't been able to stop praying that the whole 7 months since he died.

Last night I held the Ultra Sound photo and cried a little. I told him how much I wished he could stay, told him how much his mother loved him and how much I would have adored giving so much of the rest of my life to caring for him.

Ironically, Earl and i had penciled in tomorrow night for a special commemorative/being sad dinner. Hopefully my stomach will be up for it, but I'm just not sure.

I've got an appointment with my counsellor tomorrow. I was hoping to meet her earlier so we could talk about strategies in dealing with Thumper's due date, but in some ways it's kind of nice to talk to her on the day.

I've actually been feeling alot more peace this second half of this week. Not happy. Just peaceful, a little more accepting.

Please pray for us. Tomorrow is a big day.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Up and Down

I survived the week! Seems like an amazing miracle when I think I had to take my contacts out on Tuesday because I was crying so much that my eyes were dried out!

Today is my rest day. I'm pretty excited about it, but it's been as emotionally up and down as the week that procedded it.

First of all, Earl's cousin had her baby boy. In many ways this was a miracle as 2.5 months ago she was in hospital with a potentially fatal brain virus. So her little boy is a real miracle. But the name has knocked me round a bit. You see, my husband, as the first born son of a first born son of a first born son etc- has a special family middle name. Our "first son" is suppose to have that middle name as well. And Tim's cousin has just given it to her boy. I cried a little bit, but as Earl says- it doesn't stop the preciousness of giving it to our boy if we have one. But it is hard, as if Thumper (as we believed) was a boy- it would have been his name when he was born any day now!

Then Earl and I went out for breakfast and it was my happy time of the day. It was so lovely being together and talking. I really love his company- and I love the way that he supports me so well. As we were there I was saying, with all the moving and uncertainty about next year, maybe I should start investigating what we will do IF treatment wise for next year, at least so I have a plan. I wanted to look at IVF clinics, but also at adoption things because I am beginning to think this might be a good plan for us if IVF doesn't happen in the next 2 years.

Back to despair!

Australia is a horrible place to adopt from! There are very few local babies and very few international adoptions allowed. They estimate on the website that for international adoption the average couple takes 3 to 4 years to be accepted onto a waiting list, and then 2-5 years before they get their child (if they want a child under 2). In my state (of 6 million odd) there are 20 local and 45 international adoptions a year!!!!!

Having a child, any child, seems so far away.

What a week!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Why does other people's good news make me feel so bad?

I am falling apart.

You might have noticed my slightly grumpy message yesterday. That was before. The day before the three biggest work days of the year. The day before I have to get up before 65 kids and be excited and enthusiastic and warm. The day before I have to lead a team.

But yesterdays message was also an hour before my work collegue announced in a staff meeting that he and his wife are having a baby.

He and his wife are not kid people. They wanted to have kids, but they have been very relaxed and "whatever" about it. I had no idea. I was completely blind-sided. And he told me. Knowing how long I have been trying. Knowing that I was about to undertake this huge project THE NEXT DAY.

I cried and cried and cried last night.

I am so feed up and I am falling apart and I can't take this anymore.
Serious, where is my good news? Where is my baby? I am so excited for all of you have have good news and baby bumps but what about me?

I am lost.

I changed the title of this post and decided to add a little post script. I am okay. The first day of the program went well. I am okay. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, but I think I just need to give myself a break. Thumpers due date is so close. This was always going to be hard. I am not doing great, but I'm okay.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Today is a bitter day.

I am just so grumpy and bitter. I really can't handle it. Everywhere in facebook land is the news that X&Y have had, or are going to have babies. I am so sick of it. And I am getting upset by the most stupid things. A face-book friend (who I barely know) is constantly saying she is going to the gym, after she had her baby a month ago. Stressed about getting her body back. I am so angry at her. "GO HOME AND BE WITH YOUR BABY AND GET OVER YOURSELF"

She doesn't deserve my reaction. But I am so over not having a baby when others do. Where is my baby. Thumper's due date is in less than a fortnight. I want my baby back! I am so angry I could scream!
Please pray for me, this week is so busy and important and not the time for a mini-breakdown.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

A year ago

To explain about this week I have to go back to this time last year.

This time last year, I was having a transfer.

This time last year, I was also getting ready to organise a massive Kids Holiday Program at our church.

So in between the busiest work two weeks of the year, I was lying down (sometimes at work, sometimes at home) for an hour at 1:30pm every day because that is when I had my 3rd Progesterone Pessary.

I was trying to juggle a team of volunteers, 65 kids, a huge program, and the flood of emotions of the 2 week wait. The two week wait had never flown by so fast.

And on the day after Kids Club Finish, I found out I was pregnant...sort of. I had a Beta of 25, which was no where near where it should have been. First it went up, then it went up, then there was more bleeding but it still went up. Then it didn't climb like it should, then there was more bleeding, then there were ultra sounds that didn't show anything, then there was talking about ectopic. Then there was stopping the pessaries, then there was the confirmation- miscarriage.

This time last year, my little Embryo Bonnie came to be with us, for a very, very short while.

It is strange to think about her now. I was never given any grantees that she would stay. It was always a very long shot. I didn't have the attachment time and the symptoms that made Thumper feel so real. But I still love her very much- and miss her.

A year on, and we slowly approach Thumper's due date, and a year since Bonnie came and went.

I'm actually going okay.

Work is really fun at the moment, as this Kids Club actually seems to lose its stress the more times you organise it. Earl and I are getting on so well, having lots of time together while he's on a study break. And I am loving this break from IVF. Normally I see it as a nothing time, but not this break. This break is like coming up for air which is so desperately necessary for my next dive. And I am enjoying the air. It is an air of hope.

And, I am pretty confident that I ovulated today. So even on a break there is something to dream about.

So all things considered, I'm reserved, I'm reflective. But I'm okay.

Dearest Bonnie. I love you so very much. Thank you for coming to be with us, thank you for staying even for just a little while. I can't wait to be with you again in heaven. Love Mummy