False hope, the internet and how to think

I am really struggling to know how to think about the cycle ahead.

Two months ago, I was faced with one of the hardest doctors appointments I ever had to faced. I was listening to someone telling me that maybe this wasn't going to be in my future.

Now, two months on, that same doctor is giving this a real, red hot go. And I don't know how to think about things.

I said to Earl last night "I am ridiculously optimistic about our chances of getting pregnant next month. Is that stupid". Earl looked at me, paused, nodded, shrugged and said "Probably". I knew exactly what he means. We still aren't super likely to have a baby. But what can you do, hope is something that just is.

Now that we are not looking into genetic testing, I guess my big question is about my uterus. Is it no good. Is there something about it that isn't working that can be changed? In many ways I feel like nothing can be that bad, because Thumper managed to make it to 9 weeks didn't he. But is there something that means that my medically good looking embabies don't make it very far? That's why my doc did an endemetrium biopsy. I will get the results as I'm starting my stimulation scans.

And then I read something on the Internet about how people who have endemetrium biopsy are twice as likely on their next cycle to get pregnant.

More hope.

More, strange, stupid hope. Oh Internet, you mess with us IFers so much!

How should I think? Should I be positive? Is positive realistic?

I don't know.
LG
PS Thanks friends for your suggestions about what to eat/do this cycle, really appreciate it. Lees J- I don't think American DVDs do work in Australia unfortunately, which is ashame because Infertility Yoga sounds intriging!

3 eggs

We got three eggs. They are good looking eggs but there are only three of them. So scared this isn't going to work. So scared this is never going to work.

I was very weapy and emotional after my transfer. The nurse told me we would be using crinone because they didn't have any pregnal left. I got really upset, because for all my non-pregnancy fresh cycles we used crinone, but for thumper we used pregnal. I really wanted to use pregnal, even though I know medically it doesn't really make a difference.

One of the nurses searched and found the last bit of pregnel for me, and said we could use that instead. I told her as she handed it to me, "I know this doesn't make any sense". She smiled and said "Yes, it does make sense". She is one of the brisker nurses in the unit- but i love her for that special act of understanding.

I am weapy and emotional and just feeling so weak. I know that we will probably get one embryo at least out of this. But we might not. Tomorrow we call up to find out if any eggs fertilised. I'm so scared of that call.

Now I'm going to have a bath and read a book.

I am going to try for a few hours to not think about infertility.
LG

It's time

Less than two hours until pick up! Have been feeling excited, though I know the nerves will stop. Earl says it's more traumatic for him, he's the one who sees me in pain, I don't remember any of it. In fact, in the middle of my first egg pick up I announced to him and all the nurses and doctors "This is actually quite fun!"

Not sure what will happen. I have a few huge folicals and a few not so big ones so I'm not sure what will happen or how many we will get. Last two times we have managed 4 embryos out of 10/7 eggs so we'll see.

Please pray.
love LG

Update on the nevr ending Stim cycle

The nurse says egg pick-up will be on Friday. I have had three days of 7am blood tests followed by 8am ultra sounds and I'm a tad sick of it!

My right ovary is twinging quite regularly, and I'm pretty bloated and tired. According to the Snographer (Sp?) my right ovary is twice the size of my left ovary, and appears 'stimulated'.

When I rang up the nurse to check if I should be worried she seemed quite surprised that I was concerned. "Has it been a while since your last stim?" she asked. I think my clinic thinks I'm a pro at this and are surprised when I find things difficult.

I am sick of being an IVF pro!

Overall, very, very scared that fear of OHS will mean that we can't do the transfer next week. But maybe I'm overreacting????

Trying to pray about it, and finding it difficult.

I really want this to work. This time.
LG

Update- Egg pick up is definately on Friday, ironically Baby Loss awareness day (I think). She didn't say anything about hyperstimulation, which is great news because last time by transfer got cancelled they were warning me of the possibility at this stage. So filled with hope again. Crazy cycle! Please pray though, have a sore throat and really don't want to get sick before my op!

Cycling

This Cycle is getting me down.

Not just in the hormones suck and they are making me down, but as in the actual way things are panning out is upsetting me.

It's silly that they are. I am pretty sure things are going almost exactly like they always do. Eggs growing slowly. Likely pick-up around two weeks after I start FSH.

The thing that is getting me down is that there are alot of follicles- maybe 10 more than in the Thumper cycle- though most of them are too tiny to count. Which is scaring me because if I have any risk of OHS they will cancel the fresh transfer and I will have to wait, probably until next year after we move to do a frozen transfer. And because Thumper was a fresh transfer I feel like fresh is the best chance of having a baby...

All in all, a bit stressful.

I wish I'd recorded better what had happened in previous cycles, so I could compare and not be so overwhelmed with uncertainty.

On Friday night, Earl and I went to a dance. It was brilliant. It was the most fun I've had all year. In the excitement of the music and the movement I was able to forget infertility. I think I need more moments like that.

The following day Earl took me out to a three course brunch :) I think he's aware that this has not been an easy time for me and he wants to be looking after me.

So now, I've decided I'm on Gentle Lady Grey time. I'm not going to work to hard. I'm not going to exercise. I am going to eat healthy, but I am going to rest. I'm going to do nice things and buy nice things and make sure I'm looking after myself.

Stim cycles suck! But if I look out for myself, I will get through it. And if I look after myself, maybe there might be a baby in the mix for me too.
LG

A white lie

A few posts ago i told a lie. I said i was meticulous about IVF. I'm not! I'm a total scatter-brain.

A week or so ago I commented that I was upset about Daylight saving messing up my social life. I can't remember if Day light saving exists in the states, but basically in Australia, when it comes to summer-time, for the sake of sunnier evenings and not waking up at 5am everyday, an hour is taken away, so that 7am because 8am. Then in Fall, that hour comes back. Now is Spring in Australia.

DLS started on Saturday at 2am. I had set my alarm for 6:20am, since before daylight saving I was injecting at 7:20.

And then,(challenging Miss Clavel from the Madeline books): In the Middle of the night, Lady Grey turned on the light and said "Someting is not right!"



We were loosing an hour?

What did that mean?

I called up my husband (who was studying late at his study desk across the road).

"Earl, if I inject at 7:20 yesterday, what time should I inject today?"

"Earl mussed for the moment and said "8:20"

I said, "No, i worked it out, it's 6:20?"

Earl dissagreed.

I got off the phone. I was so confused. We were loosing an hour, that meant I needed to take my injection an hour earlier..but wait, we loose an hour, time goes ahead so that means...

8:20

I called Earl again to tell him he was right.

He said congratulations and encouraged me that if I had anymore daylight saving insights can I call someone else?

There are so many times when I almost do stupid things.

Almost leaving refridgerated medicine out over night/all day.

Almost forgetting to set my alarm.

Almost setting my alarm for morning instead of evening and vise versa.

Constantly Stressing that I took my morning meds at night and vise versa when I haven't.

But somehow, I have managed, over numerous cycles, to most of the time get things right.

That is not being meticulous.

That is the Grace of God!
LG

Awkward meeting and who to tell about IVF

This morning I went in for a blood-test. As I was leaving the waiting room I looked up and spotted someone I knew. I was so surprised, so thrown by this that i gave an embarrassed "hi" and bolted through the door.

For various reasons we had suspected that her and her husband might be trying, and might have even been having trouble. They are nice people. We like them and they like us and I suspect if situations and friendship circles were different they probably would have been close friends.

But they are not close friends, and it is strange, walking out of a room knowing we are both doing IVF, with neither of us necessarily intending to tell each other that fact. Yet now we know.

Different people are more open than others about the whole infertility thing. I have friends who are happy as anything to say that their little girl and boy are IVF babies. I have friends who haven't even made it public that they had any trouble conceiving- much less how the conception took place.

Tim and I are somewhere in the middle. If we do have a baby, we would probably tell people about our struggle, because we've learnt so much and we are pretty open people. But IVF is not something we want out-in-the-open.

It is not that we are ashamed. We thought, prayed, and worked really hard to think about whether IVF was something we felt comfortable with Ethically. And we are more than happy with the choices we've made, not the least because we have so many beloved Embryos in heaven, because of the gift of IVF.

It is just that there are consequences of telling people we don't want to deal with.

We do not want to have conversations with people who think it is wrong, particularly because we have children in heaven we love because of it- and those kind of conversations are emotionally tough. We have had one such conversation once and we do not want to have it again!

We don't want to have people judge us or our faith by this decision. We are happy to say we believe that IVF under certain conditions is appropriate, but we do not want people to make rash, wrong decisions about our character because of it.

We do not want to cause any pain to people who have decided for their own reasons that IVF is not for them. How tough for them to hear constantly about other people's success (not that this is our issue yet!)

And particularly, we don't want people to think any differently about any children we have. Whatever children we have through IVF are going to be as precious and NATURAL as any baby whose have not, and we want to leave the decision of talking about how they were conceived in the hands of our kid/s.

And finally, no one else has to talk about the specifics of how their babies came into being, it is a personal matter, and nobodies business.

Of course, it's funny to be saying this on a blog where I talk about IVF all the time. The truth is that we speak about IVF where it is helpful. We have told friends who support us, mentors who encourage us, and family that are there for us.

We have told my parent's but not Earl's, because Mum's support really helps me, whereas Earl just doesn't lean on his parents that way.

We have, in hindsight, told more people than we would like, and the fact is it leaks out accidentally, usually when one friend mentions it to another, assuming we would have told.

But so far, not telling has been a blessing.

Bloodtest today, hopefully Ultra Sound and bloods on Friday.
Praying once again, for a baby. This time one that stays.
LG

Jumbled thoughts of a hormonal hopeful pessamist

My emotions have been playing round and round on themselves these last few days. I haven't exactly been sad, but I haven't been a buddle of joy either. But there has been lots of thinking I'd like to share with you.

I was reflecting today, it might feel like from my blog sometimes that I am always sad all the time. It's just not true. Today I watched some sport with Earl, went to a friends kids birthday party, and did some fun knitting projects. The truth is, I have a pretty lovely life most of the time, with a really, really hard and painful thing in the middle of all the loveliness.

Thursday was an exhausting day. Blood test in the morning, and good news that I could go ahead with the injections then next day, Yay! That evening I had two big conversations. In the first one, someone was asking me about my plans when I move home in terms of work. I gave an answer. Then she very sensitively asked about the kids thing. Not in a butting in way, just in a sensitive way. And I told her "We don't know if we'll ever be able to have kids". Even after I said it, I was a bit shocked. Normally I am alot more positive when I talk about our struggles. I don't ever say 'ever'. But I think it highlighted some of processes my brain has been going through this week.

I had been musing the day before that often my fear of the "never ever" question overwhelms me, and so it almost feels like I need to face it head on.

Basically, the fear of facing life without kids is almost more overwhelming than facing life without kids.

I wanted to start thinking that possibility through, to perhaps ease some of the fear that had been lurking in my mind.

So I guess all my thinking about this lead me to answer in such a pessamistic way. Which was strange and emotional- to be at the place to say that. Not sad. Just strange and emotional.

Second conversation: I was approached by someone I hadn't seen properly for 8 months. She came up to me to apologise. You see, when I had told her about my miscarriage she had responded, "That's so great that you can get pregnant". It was one of those terrible things to say, that at the time didn't upset me, though I was aware that in a different mood I would have been furious and upset. She had obviously been thinking about it and she apologies. Even though she hadn't upset me, I was so pleased that she was aware of how uphelpful she had been, and wouldn't do such a thing again.

But all in all, it was an emotional day.

And the following day I started my FSH injections. And I felt really positive about this cycle, for the first time since it started.

I almost feel like I am hopeful and hopeless at the same time. Hopeful that this cycle could be "the one" but also aware that we might never have children.

Weird.

Crazy hormonal lady- signing out :)

Hormones, Day light saving and the one time in my life where a period is good news

I am not a particularly meticulous person in general.

I cleaned my house yesterday. It is stunning, it is clean, it is so lovely it looks like someone else's house. And I think why don't I do this more often? But I know from experience that these kind of cleans are few and far between :)

Not meticulous at all.

Except in the one area where I have to be. IVF.

I sat down a few weeks ago to take my lucrin shot. I decided to make it evening, because I was going to be away on the morning of my first shot and it would be a hassle to bring my fridge bound meds on a driving holiday. I decided to make it evening also because my blood-test for pregnancy was delayed a day, and I didn't want to risk the lucrin messing up my system if I was pregnant. This way the day of the test, I wouldn't be taken the Lucrin until after I had the results.

I decided to make it 9:30pm because it's late enough so it doesn't ruin the evening to head home for it, but it's also early enough so that if I need an early night I can take it.

Meticulous.

But forgetting one thing...

Daylight saving!

Come Sunday I will have to be home at 8:30 every night until trigger. The sacrifices of Infertility ;)

Today was a good and bad day. I had been highly stressed because my period hadn't come in properly yet, and I was concerned that this cycle might be cancelled. It arrived this morning. I came bounding into Earl to tell him, dancing round the room. For once my period was a reason to celebrate. Even when I was on the pill, I was always a little sad when it came, so this was a rare and strange day indeed.

The bad thing was that my blood test results were a little high in oestrogen, so I will have to do another one on Thursday to make sure they are low enough to start the stimulating drugs. I was quite nervous, though the nurse assured me the extra test was precaution and their shouldn't be a problem.

I said to Earl, "I'm not normally this hormonal and emotional during IVF am I".

His answer was "Yes. Always".

The Inevitable Negative

So the pregnancy test was a negative.

As was expected. Inevitable.

It was, of course, that 'just in case' test they do because if you are pregnant you don't want to be pumping the wrong hormones into your system. It was the last chance, please, please,please, please can we avoid another stimulated cycle and just get pregnant naturally test.

It was negative as I expected.

But I still spent most of my early evening walk crying.

Not because I'd lost a baby.

But just because it would have been such a blessing if it had been positive.

But we just don't seem to get those kind of blessings.

And so it begins.

Again :'(
LG

Not so secret, secret

This week has been a great week mixed in with a little bit of hard. We had a night away and the change in Earl was extraordinary. He is has been so flat out busy with life, so stressed about so many things, and just plain tired. Just one night off has made a huge difference to him. I can't wait to see what a bigger break will do.

Anyway, one of the tough things about this week was going along to a seminar about money, and having the hosts (who are lovely people by the way) make lots of jokes about what a pain kids are. It was soooo tough to sit there and listen, even though it was all tongue in cheek and I know they adore their kids and were only joking around.

After the session I had a person I know come up to me, and just say "Look, I know some really hard and unhelpful things have been said at this conference, and I just want to say, I've been where you've been and I'm so sorry it's so hard and I just want you to know that I'm praying for you".

It was really special.

It was also a bit interesting, because I have never told her that we are struggling with infertility.

It's the secret that is not so much a secret. We've had quite a few people talk to us lately about our situation, usually just to say "I know you guys are trying and we are praying for you". We don't know how they found out. Part of it might be the miscarriage, that people assume that we are trying since we probably were to begin with. And the Miscarriage, while not plastered all over facebook, is a little bit public, and we've never swore anyone to secrecy.

I suspect as well, some people are asking our friends who know. Married for nearly 7 years, kid-crazy couple. It's been hidden a bit because Earl has been studying so some people might think that we are not pregnant so I can work. But realistically, the questions are starting. And to be honest, when someone asks a friend, "Are Lady and Earl having trouble having a baby", I suspect a lot of our friends just say yes. And I don't really mind.

But it's hard too.

I don't know if I want the whole world looking at me, pitying me. I don't know if I want to be 'that' couple. I fear what it means for relationships- as people see us as not potential parents, but as a couple with no kids, with no change in sight.

Sometimes in the light of day I see it as just a journey, and we are part way along it, we don't know how far, or if this journey will last a life time- but we are on it, and we just have to look forward

But sometimes I turn my head and look back at the last 5 years and all my hopes and dreams and I think- this is too much.

Tomorrow I sit for the pre-cycle pregnancy test. Oh how I wish that this journey was ending tomorrow!
LG

The coming Cycle

So what is happening next?

Stim Cycle is starting straight away, although as a Stim cycle that still means pick up and transfer are over a month away. Next week I start on Provera, soon after that I start on my Lucrin shots, and after my period I will start on the FSH.

I am still praying hard that I will get pregnant naturally this month, as I always do in the lead up to the Stim. I am willing to go through another stim cycle, willing as anything, but I am also quite happy if I don't have to! Sometimes I feel silly, praying for these little miracles, but I still do. It could happen, and how I wish it would!

And so it begins again. I am finding it a daunting process, not the least because my last stim cycle was how we got our little Thumper and there is pain and hope all melted together in my heart. I am fearful of BFN and of a BFP- I do not know if I could survive another heart-breaking loss like Thumpers.

Earl feels he would rather have a baby again, even for a little while, than have another BFN.

So it seems the only way we will both be happy is if we have a baby that lives this next cycle.

Please,please, please AMEN
LG

BFN

Today was a BFN. So it is all over, just as I thought it might be. I'm pretty sad about it, but i did my falling apart morning yesterday so this morning I'm not going to badly-considering. But I miss my baby so much. I don't know why it has to be so hard. It seems like so many people everywhere are so blessed and my road just gets harder and harder. IT JUST SUCKS!!!!

Earl is taking it really hard. Please pray for us.

So, it begins again. Stim cycle.

Two good positives though.

It seems to me that our embryo wasn't particularly strong, but it still attached. Perhaps it was the accupuncture? And the first embryo from our last stim cycle was Thumper. So maybe accupuncture plus stronger embryo might actually equal baby? That is what I'm praying.

And the other thing is that I was talking to my counsellor and she said at the clinic staff meeting coming up, she's make sure me and my case are on the list to talk about, so that all the clinic doctors can look through my files and perhaps think of some things to tweak to maybe get it right this time.

This weekend is going to be so hard :'(
Where is my baby God?
LG

I don't want another Stim cycle

Getting to the nervy part of the 2 week wait, where you over analyse every queasy feeling and every cramp. Where every trip to the toilet is a nightmare because you are so scared of tell-tale blood. Where you want so much to have a baby inside you, where you feel so attached and yet you just don't know if you are attached to someone who is already gone.

One thing that I am really conscious of this time is that we are on our last embie. Which is sad because I was so sure that one of Thumper's little buddies would have stayed. It's scary, scary that despite a pregnancy it still seems so hard for me to get pregnant.

And I don't want to do another cycle. As I wince with pain over my Clexane needle I think- I DON"T WANT TO DO ANOTHER STIM CYCLE! I don't want three different needles to poke into me. I don't want the fear before-hand. I don't want the bloated belly. I am happy to do anything to have a baby but one reason I want this to work (lowest on the list of course but it still makes it) is because I just want to be pregnant and to not have to do IVF anymore.

It's been so long. It's just been so long and so hard and I want it to end. I'm not ready to stop trying. But I just want a baby.

Please?
LG

Waiting, Waiting

It's been a special week. I think it's the first time I've enjoyed the waiting. Particularly because I've convinced myself that I must be pregnant. There is no reason to think this. Yes I feel different, but for the first time I've had hcg shots instead of crinone progesterone pessaries so it is probably not unexpected that I feel tired and incredibly bloated. I pause in front of the mirror all the time and imagine being pregnant- because while my tummy has been this big before, its usually been associated with the rest of me being bigger too. Now it's just the belly and the boobs which look huge :)

I know that I might not be. Every time I go to the toilet I panic, panic, panic that there might be bleeding. Every day that goes by without it I think maybe, maybe, maybe? It's hard because the first stim cycle I bleed a week before, the second one I bleed a week before (and it ended up being a biochemical pregnancy/misscarriage so the bleeding was not the end of the pregnancy but a sign that things might not have been great). The third stim was freeze all. So it feels like something must be better. But as I said- the medication is diffferent.

I love and want this baby and pregnancy so much. Earl has asked- will you be sadder if it doesn't happen? I don't know. But I can't be dispondent. This feeling of hope is just too lovely.

A little bit of belly pain. Panic, panic, panic. Please Father. Not a period. A pregnancy.
love Lady Grey

Hope and Heart-ache

Today was a funny old day.

I went for a walk this morning and I dreamed. I dreamed that this cycle- that one of the eggs that are currently growing inside of me- is the one. That it's going to happen. I imagined telling people. I imagined shopping for maternity clothes. I imagined having a baby.

Then I saw my GP. I hadn't seen her for months (she'd been away). I told her about the miscarriage. I told her we were on our four stim cycle.

She looked concerned.

And I wondered if I'm just kidding myself.

Can this ever happen?
love Lady Grey

BFN

Strange how things work.

Before properly starting my stim cycle- five days after I start my first meds, I have a pregnancy test to make sure I'm not "spontaneously pregnant".

And even though I know the result will be negative, even though I hold out very little hope.

It always sucks.

How great to not have to go through another stim cycle.

But even more, how great to have a baby.
love Lady Grey

Back in the Saddle

I really am doing a terrible job of keeping this blog up.

And its not as if nothing has been happening in the infertility side of my life.

But its just hard when I haven't told anyone. I am thinking about "following" other IF blogs with this blog, or even telling close friends. But still praying about that, I'd love the support and prayer but I need this to be a safe place, without any negativity or pain. Still thinking.

In an interesting piece of timing- we had our doctors appointment the week after the miscarriage. He was positive and encouraged us to do some more tests, just to see if we had any slightly unusual problems, or if there was a specific reason for the miscarriage.

Tim and I have seen a total of four different doctors for our infertility appointments. The doctor we have settled on is the first doctor we saw. We only changed off him because he is only twice a month on at the public clinic we attend, he spends most of his time at a private clinic. So we switched onto other doctors. But Tim and I have come to the very satisfied conclusion that it is better to see a good doctor that we trust rarely than to keep seeing doctors that let us down. One doctor was terrible, and a few just didn't seem to be as thorough, positive and sensitive as him. It is so nice to go to an appointment and not worry that the doctor might say or do something that hurts us.

There were no obvious problems (exhale), and so he told us it was try to try another Stim cycle. He talked through our chart and for the first time in months I didn't feel like a freak. He was able to discuss reasons why we probably hadn't gotten pregnant yet, and reasons why we still might. He tweaked our medication slightly and offered change which always helps my hope. He was so positive- he actually got me to think for the first time since the miscarriage- I might actually have a baby. And he has Tim convinced (bless him!) that this next cycle will be the one.

So I'm excited. But I'm also afraid. This last two months have been some of the hardest of my life. I feel so wounded, so raw. I haven't been my usual coping self. I've lost it in tears a few times in public, which is a rare thing. And when a friend got pregnant with her fourth (her third since we started trying) I was crushed again by the unfairness of life. I have some hope, but I also don't know how much I can face another disappointment, particularly another miscarriage. And I can't help thinking, if little Bonnie had made it I would be telling everyone now. I would be showing. I would be out of his hell-hole and back into real life of actually expecting a baby!

I find it hard to dissect how much of what I am feeling is due to the miscarriage and how much is just due to the usual fun of infertility. I know I don't need to know, but for some reason it helps to keep reminding myself that I've been through a really hard thing and that pain and despaire is a little bit normal.

My relationship with God is intact, more due to his grace than any strength I have! God is good, and I believe it and see it despite the pain. I had an amazing term of ministry. I have decided to stay on next year in my role, which was looking highly unlikely during the height of my pain. And as Tim and i plan for the future I am starting to get excited about things which aren't having a baby. But still, there are days when I physically ache with longing.

Please, please, please dear heavenly Father.
love Lady Jane.