"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Thursday, April 25, 2013

33 weeks :)

Yes, you heard it here first! We made it to 33. I am so amazed and thankful. Hospital stay is now 9 days in. Blood pressure is down, boys are still happy.

Dancer is now at 10th percentile. But my doc is satisfied that while he's still growing and having good dopplers and CTGs, that he is better in than out.  Now 34 weeks seems a real possibility. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, I keep imagining we make it even further and keep the boys out of the special care nursery but I think it's important not to get my hopes too high on that unlikely outcome.

Hospital is weird. I love the midwives, they take amazing care of me.  I have been having lots of lovely visits from friends and family. My room has a gorgeous view, and it's nice having regular updates on the boys. That's the good.

The bad? The food got old very quickly. I miss so much. Everyone else is cleaning my house (okay, that good!). And Earl and I only see each other for a few hours a day. That is the worst. Particularly because when I'm a bit freaked out by slow heart rates or a doctor says things and I don't know how to read it, I miss him! I'm used to this being a team thing and hospital is a lonely place.

But I'm so aware how lucky I am.

My room mate was just diagnosed with pe at 28 weeks. I can't even imagine it. I feel so bad. I'm going well, feeling great, my boys are well, and I'm surrounded by friends and family. I feel guilty that not everyone has such a good go with this.

Thanks for all the well wishes. I'm sorry I can't comment on your blogs. I'm so psyched about D baby B and Ready for my turns twins. I'm praying for those of you finding it tough.

33 today, what a miracle!

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Waiting game

With nearly 48 hours of processing, life is feeling a little less crazy than it was on Friday.

We are now 32 weeks and two days, and so far blood pressure and protein levels are stable.

I'm getting used to being in the same room all the time, and being on what is functionally bed rest. It is a beautiful room, bright, with a lovely view out the window. Earl and I got permission for him to take outside in the wheel chair, which felt like the most amazing date.

I am over hospital food. Mum and dad are in charge of bringing me some interesting dinner. My sister in law has already bought me some new maternity clothes and some bath products.

Boys hearts and movement have been perfect. The big question is dancers growth, which we won't know until Wednesday.

The doc says, there is no planning possible, because pre eclampsia can turn so quickly. I'm telling Earl to stay close, I'm terrified I will need an emergency Caesar before he gets there.

We did a tour of the special care nursery. Such little babies. Made it all seem real. But everyone is so positive given their age, and so I am feeling better and better.

This morning I was woken up by a beautiful sunrise. I thought "one more day, they made it one more day". And I thought about what the Bible says, about God's mercy being new every morning.

And I was happy.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Big week and the impending arrival

I don't know really how to start this post.  I guess I'll just try to explain all that's happen over the last 48 hours.

On Wednesday morning we went in for our routine dopplers and CEG scan of the babies.  I had actually been feeling really ordinary, including a little bit of blurred vision.  I thought, better safe than sorry, and asked for a blood pressure test.

It came back a little high, and so the nurses decided to keep me at the hospital for the afternoon to see if it went down.  They also got a sample of pee so they could check for protein in my urine.

Earl went home at this point, neither of us were worried, and we thought he could pick me up afterwards and get some work done.

That afternoon at about 5pm they admitted me to hospital for a 24 hour urine test.  My urine had contained protein and they were worried about pre-eclapcia.

It was the strangest thing.  To go from the routine trip, to suddenly being put in a hospital room with no real information of when you would get out.  And for all the worries about the boys to suddenly move to the background and it be me that might be the problem.

Yesterday (Thursday) was a nightmare.  Not only was I collecting Urine, having regular blood pressure tests, and seeing a million people, they kept doing CEGs that didn't work.  Not that the babies were in danger, they just kept moving or not moving at the right time, and they struggled to tell the difference between the two twins.  I had 7 different "attempts" at CEGs (CEGs are where they put little paddles on the belly to measure the heart rates.  They can take 10 minutes but both mean they that it often takes 30-40 minutes).  My last CEG was at 12:30 at night.  I was so over being there, it didn't seem like anything was wrong, and I just wanted to go home.

But this would not be the case.

At about 3pm this arvo, I was officially diagnosed with pre-eclapcia.  So I am in hospital until these boys are born, and the doctor we saw today is guessing that will be Wednesday.

Basically, both me and Dancer are ticking time bombs.  Some time, most likely in the next week, one of us will be struggling to the point where they need to deliver.  So, we have made it to 32 weeks, but it's unlikely we will make it to 33.

I am incredibly overwhelmed.  I don't know how to think.  I am so glad the boys are getting  the care they need, and in some ways 32 is what we have always been aiming for.  But it is still huge, huge to think about our boys being out 5 weeks before term, and spending their first months in NICU.

Please pray, both for me and my boys.  Pray that we are all as healthy as we can be, and that when ever the boys come out is the best time.

I will do my best to update.  It's hard because I don't have internet on anything but my phone, I'm just writing on Earl's ipad right now.

Keep thinking of us and our boys.
love LG

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

That point when your body starts complaining

I've reached that point.

That point where my body starts reacting to the fact that there is one extra baby in there.

Earl commented today, I've done pregnancy pretty well. I've had some stresses, but I've been happy and healthy. But starting yesterday, on my birthday, I began to notice things.

Hip pain.  Aches that are present most of the time and not just the end of the day.  Heart burn that came out of no where, not the heart ache kind but the fire in my throat.  Belly just starting to feel too big.

I feel like I'm in twin land.

It's funny, I will be having scans every two days, excluding weekends where the gap will be three days. I wondered about updating.  Do I say on this blog. Do I text family members? Maybe I'll play it by ear.

But so far so good. My first scan, on my birthday, and they looked great. And so I tick off another week.  Because even if tomorrow's scan show we need to do something, we'll still make 32 weeks on Friday.  32 weeks. Every day counts.

It's weird. Life is kinda on hold. On hold until the next scan/test.
And I'm happy with that. Stay in boys, heartburn and everything!

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Random thoughts coz I feel like blogging

While we were away on holidays, my snoring got too bad for Earl and he ended up sleeping in the other room. And even after we got home, that first night (just after we got alarmed by the doctors call),  he went and slept on the couch. I was devastated. I have this weird thing about separate beds, like it's a form of rejection. Anyway, on Saturday, after talking with the nice doctor, and hearing what we had to do for the boys, I realised I was going overboard. That a well rested Earl was good for the journey ahead, and I was being over dramatic. So I said to Earl, you do what you need. But last night we lasted the whole night in the same bed. I think now my cold is gone I'm a little bearable again!

Our time away was so needed. We've been very appreciative and lovey dovey since our return.  It's been a hectic, stressful, hormonal time, and it was nice to be reminded how much we love each others company.

So, I had my second steroid injection today. It's strange, I have read three different triplet blogs, so I've always know about these precautionary measures. I think I had in my head a night in hospital ad an IV drip. A big scary deal.  But it was so simple, just a needle. 3 years of IVF I guess these things don't phase me.

The nurse warned that I might get some high blood sugar readings as a side affect of the steroids. They have been Crazy high! I've put my insulin up for now, but am going to ask the diabetes nurse for advice.

My friend who has been dying for a kick finally felt one.  These babies are so loved, by so many people.

I've been reading lots of forums on 32 week twin births. I know I could find it super tough to be separated form my boys if they go to NICU. Trying to be optimist but prepared "alert but not alarmed" our doctor put it. My dad talked with a friend who used to be a neonatal nurse, and was very relieved to hear the positive prognosis, particularly with the steroids.

I am excited and nervous but strangely not afraid. Oh, and tomorrow is my birthday.

My first birthday with my boys. Amazing!

Friday, April 12, 2013

What a difference a good doctor makes!

Well, the good news is my boys have rock star heart rates. The midwife wanted resting and active and they did us proud.  Weirdest discovery, what I thought was BH kicking was actually Dancer head banging! The humorous side of overlapping twins.

We also got a lovely doctor come and explain things to us, and that has made the world of difference.

Basically, she has warned us that our twins are unlikely to make it to term. She encouraged us to reset the mark in our minds, that if they make 34 weeks that is awesome.  And every week we get is good for the boys. They are monitoring three times a week (heart rate and dopplers) so that if one gets distress or struggles, then there is plenty of time to get them out. She has given me the first dose of steroids, not because she thinks they are coming out tomorrow, but because it can only benefit them to have their lungs ready to go.  Next dose is tomorrow.

If you told me Thursday all this, I would have been devastated. But after all the stress of yesterday, I will take this. Of course I don't want my boys in NICU, but if that is where they will be healthiest, then that is what I will prepare for.

Earl asked about whether we might be told after a scan that they had to come out right away, the doc said unlikely. She said its more likely to be, in three days time we will book your C section.  This also relieves me, it just sounds like we will have notice for anything that might happen.

Strangest reaction. My mum in law. She is excited! Her grand boys could be only three weeks away. She is such an optimist!

I am also optimistic. My boys are such great fighters. I believe they have a few good weeks of health ahead of them, before we need to think through alternatives.

Love LG

More Monitoring :(

Well, we've reached 31 weeks today.  But it's hard to celebrate.  It has happened again. We had our scan on Wednesday and our technician assured us (after we found out the doctors were all away) that it was fine, that she wasn't worried at all, that everything was good.  Earl and I went straight from the hospital off to a two night getaway to the beach.  We had some phone reception issues, but generally we could get messages, so I figured if the hospital needed to contact us they would.

And so tonight, in the middle of bathing some girls we were baby-sitting, a doctor from the hospital called, wondering why we didn't respond to any of her messages.  It seemed she had left three messages on my phone, but for some unknown reason they didn't come through.  She had wanted me to come in to see the doctors this morning, but I had missed the message.  She now wants us to come in tomorrow (Saturday) to some foetal monitoring and to talk to the doctor.  She said the discrepancy between the boys had grown and they needed to monitor more.

I said "the U/S tech said everything looked good".  She didn't have any answers, except to say sometimes it takes a while for the radiologist to write their reports.  She said they would confirm tomorrow, but I will probably need to come to the hospital three times a week to get the boys checked out.

I don't know how to feel.  It's obviously not a good sign.  I wouldn't say it's a bad thing, obviously they are doing this so if something goes wrong they can pick it up and get these boys out as soon as needed.  But there is nothing more overwhelming than being told from a scan that everything is fine to then be told from the same scan that everything is NOT fine.

My poor Dancer.  I keep reminding myself what Toni keeps saying in her comments, that he is a fighter.  And again, this is not because his fluid or heart-rate or Dopplers are bad.  They are all good.  It's because he is so small.

Today could have been such an awesome day.  After beautiful time away, we came home and Mum came round and we set up the change table, and moved the furniture to make way for the cot.  We put more clothes away.  Our house is getting ready, and I was so happy.

Now I'm off to the hospital again.  And I am so afraid for my boys.

Monday, April 8, 2013

30 weeks... and a half!

What a difference a good nights sleep makes!  Despite the usual pee breaks, and a rather disturbing dream, I managed to sleep most of last night and it was lovely.  Feeling so refreshed and ready for a day of cleaning and hospital bag packing.  I'm still not entirely sure what to pack, and Earl has my suitcase, so it's actually going to be packing my laundry basket, but it's a start!  The doctor from my last ranty post said it was worth having a bag packed just in case, and I think I'm okay with that.

Anyway, today is actually 30 weeks and 4 days, which is more than half way through, but I do want to keep documenting so here goes!

How long? 30 weeks and 4 days.  If I deliver bang on 38 weeks, that's only 52 days to go!

Weight: 83.3 on the hospital scales.  That suggests I've put on 1.8 kg in two weeks.  The dietician said anything from 0.60 to 0.9 a week was good for 2nd trimester.  I assume it's still good for 3rd?  Anyway, putting on a little bit more makes me hope that Dancer is doing his thing.  We are really hoping he will make 1kg by tomorrows scan.

Bump: I had my first "Wow, it's huge" comment this week.  It's been fun watching the shape change depending on what the twins are doing.  Dancer has a habit of sticking his back into my tummy so that it's lop sided, while BH sticks his little bottom out the size.  So cute.  I am sadly getting to the point where my maternity Jeans belly bit doesn't want to stay up but keeps slipping down. I wonder if I'll have to buy some new stuff to get through the last month or so?

Movement: BH moves away, and has now been felt by Earl, Sister, Mum, Dad, and a friend.  I feel bad, because another friend has been really hoping to feel movement, but he always seems to sleep when she is around!  Earl has felt Dancer once, and I've seen him move from the outside a couple of times.  Dancer is not as active, which still freaks me out at least once every two days, though there is always something.  Is it position?  Is it size?  I don't really know, but every time he gives a kick or moves around I throw a little party in my head.  BH is still head down, and now I feel movement down there which just feels weird!

Sleep: Last night was heaven, which makes me think maybe my cold (which is starting to go away, yay!) might be the main cause of my insomnia.  We will have to see.  I left my big maternity pillow at my parents, but maybe that's a good thing, because my little throw pillow under my belly seems to be doing fine, and it's less awkward for my frequent turning.  It's the end of Daylight saving here, so I've been going to bed earlier and getting up earlier too.  Naps are so very necessary!

Mood: Still a bit edgy.  Sometimes I feel fine but alot of the time I worry.  I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow's scan, because I know Dancer was healthy last Thursday, and so all we really need to know is if he is growing.  I'm telling him to, not sure if it helps :)

Mobility:  Am the biggest clumsy kluz the world has ever seen.  Seriously, I drop everything!  Which is interesting when picking things up usually involves going down on all fours.  I can still walk around quite well but I just get too tired.  And every hypo I've had seems to be linked to walking to much so I have to peg it back.  Really missing big long walks, looking forward to picking that up again when the boys are on the outside :)

GD: Again, not to bad, though I did have a hypo on Sunday.  Watched several cooking shows on the weekend and now have a hankering for a good Aussie Meat Pie.  Might have to wait on that one :)

Food: Realised I've slacked off on the veggies and fruit.  Made a big salad yesterday, and bought some fruit (oh, but I'm so sad that the summer fruit is ending!), so I think I'm doing better in that regard.  Still enjoying the milk and yoghurt.

Snoring: Earl actually recorded my snoring on his ipad.  It is very bad.  He and my sister had a big discussion about it (turns out I snored on my weekend away, didn't know at the time).  I really am as loud as he said.  Oh well, he's getting alot of fun out of teasing me about it so maybe that makes up for his sleep troubles!

Overall, I still can't complain re symptoms.  And I am just so conscious that sleep and pain and food and GD and mobility are all nothing if my boys are doing well.

So I would appreciate people's prayers for my scan tomorrow.
And yay for 30 weeks :)

Sunday, April 7, 2013

A weirdly emotional weekend

Well, we have reached 30 weeks.  I've been hanging out for this time for so long.  But the truth is, it's been a really emotional weekend.  Not necessarily bad, not necessarily good, just emotional.  I'm a little bit more nervous for my boys than I was, though it comes and it goes.  But I should explain.

As I stated in my last post, I had been in the hospital on Thursday, had a cold and had not slept well on Thursday night, and woke up on Friday to 30 weeks, and my first trip to the hospital without Earl.

Earl was instead catching a train and a bus to the airport, to fly to Sydney for 4 days.  It is a kinda work trip, but with lots of lovely catch ups with our old Sydney friends.  I know if I had gone it would have been too much, not just because its too far along for me to fly, but also because social things tire me out.  But I was still sad to be missing out.

I arrived at the hospital, and I didn't see our doctor.  Now just to explain, for the last two appointments I had also not seen my doctor, he had been on holidays.  But the day before, waiting at emergency, I saw him walk past and heaved a sigh of relief because he was back, and with him back we could finally start talking about the next 8 weeks and what they might involve.  He also knows our history, and I trust him.

But when my name was called it was a new doctor.  She was nice.  But I didn't know her.  I didn't trust her. And I was so disappointed she wasn't our normal doctor I was already feeling a bit funny.

She did the heart beats (perfect) and checked my blood pressure.  She asked about the emergency stay and saw that everything was good.  Then she looked at the last scan.

"wow, one of your babies is very little" she said.  I tried to explain that he had always been little, that the U/S doctor had not worried because it was such an unclear scan, but the doctor was still concerned and said "We might need you to start coming in for two Doppler's a week.

I felt ill.  It wasn't that I definitely thought there was a problem.  It's just that every health professional I had seen in the last week and a half had not been worried about Dancer and suddenly this doctor who I didn't know was worried and I didn't know how to process this.

She went on to say that it was clear that even if he was small, he was very healthy.  She said that I could scan on Wednesday, and then if he hadn't picked up, then we would move to more monitoring.  I couldn't read if she she was worried or not.  I couldn't BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW HER.

As I left the room she said "See you soon" and I wanted to yell back "I don't want to see you soon, I want to see my doctor".  I knew when I went into this that as a public patient I wouldn't always get my doctor, but with twins they do their best for you to see the same person.  I'm just scared that they are going to switch me over.  I was a bit teary by the time I booked my next appointment, so I didn't think to specifically ask for my normal Doc.  But I'm going to get my more assertive Earl to go through and ask on Wednesday before our scan.

Anyway, I called Earl in tears.  After he calmed down (I always freak him out when I call in tears), he didn't sound too worried, and it made me feel better.  But I just kept saying, "I needed you there"  I needed a second opinion, a comforting hand, someone to help me deal with the news.  Over the phone just wasn't enough.

I started putting myself back together, and was about to get in the lift when Earl called me back.  He was in a panic.  He had brought his keys to the airport, when we needed them to get into the hall we hire for church.  So he asked me to drive to the airport and pick them up.

Now remember, I was already tired, already emotional, and now I was facing a 2 hour round trip to pick up some keys.

It was not a good day.

Thankfully, I had organised to spend the weekend with my parents.  Dad came and picked me up after I got back from the airport.  I talked to Dad about the appointment and felt better.  I got home and Mum set me up on the couch with some lovely low GI snacks she had made especially.  My parents live a little way out of town in a beautiful house on a lovely big block of land.  The house just speak to me of holidays.  It was just what I needed.

Saturday was spent relaxing, eating, and sorting through baby clothes.  My parents are so excited and none of us ever get tired of talking about the boys.  And I began to calm down.  I don't know what will happen to my boys, whether they will need an early exit or if they will stay in.  But as Dad said, all you really care about is what's best for them.  And we will make that call.  Yes, if they come out early they might need special care.  But isn't that so much better than the alternative?  And afterall, we are thirty weeks.  With a little special care they should be fine.

Dancer also decided to have a very active Saturday/Sunday, which was just what I needed.  He is no way as active as his brother (and he is in a less conducive position for kicks), but he is moving.  A healthy but little baby.  That is what I keep telling myself.

So was it a good weekend?  Yes, I think it was.  But it was also an emotional and stressful one.

Earl is back Tuesday night.  I'm so glad that is our last time apart before the boys arrive.
I'm just not very strong on my own.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

All the little things

Well, I'm thirty weeks today. I realised it at about 4am, when my insomnia was too frustrating and I got out my phone to play. Not the song and dance I was expecting. It has been a frustrating 24 hours. But it's all little things, and 30 weeks is a big thing.

I was having a great week. Maternity leave was both restful and productive. My sister got to feel her first kick.  And Thursday was set aside for a little house cleaning and time with friends.

But I had a bleed yesterday morning.

Everything was fine. We had ultra sounds, heartbeat checks and a cervical exam to prove it. But we spent 8 hours in the hospital waiting. It was a busy day, with several serious emergencies, so we kept dropping down the list.

After this, we came home with fifteen minutes until our dinner guest showed up. It was a lovely night, and a helpful excuse for take out, but I was so tired when she left.  Around that time, I checked our regular doctors appointment, and realised it was late morning, so Earl would need to be at the airport for his work trip instead of the doctors.  My first doctors appointment without him! And last night Earl and I both felt sick, and so couldn't sleep. It's the first bad cold of the pregnancy. I don't know if last night was because I'm sick, or stressed, or if its just the new normal for this pregnancy, but sleep was not my friend.

But regardless, we are at 30 weeks. 30 weeks people! With both babies looking happy and content to stay. I just can't believe it.

What is a rotten day and night compared to that!


Monday, April 1, 2013

IF glasses

I do my best not to have IF amnesia through everything. It's difficult sometimes, particularly as I'm just so excited about the boys. But it's funny how when people make insensitive or naive comments I realise  it's just not possible to totally forget.

Not that it's the same. Comments that would have sent me home crying just feel me with frustration or exasperation. The sting is gone to a certain extent and I don't ever want to forget or take that for granted.

There are two relationships where this has been bubbling away.  The first is a girl I'm, for want of a better word, mentoring. She is young. Not just young in age but in outlook. She and her husband are telling everyone that she is going to study, then have a baby after this year. She has even hinted it on Facebook!. Earl has already told them off for that one. She is fascinated by the twins, and keeps asking for advice. She is stressing about maternity clothes and people touching her not even existing bump. I keep waiting for the perfect "in" to talk about how unhelpful her attitude is, but it hasn't come. But I need it to, because I'm growing resentful.

The second person (or people) are my brother in law and his wife.

I've talked about them before. Not quite as public and naive, but still planners who think they have it all figured out.  There comments before the twins really hurt. There comments now, well, to be honest, maybe because I've known my BIL for ten years and because I still see him as a little teenager, sometimes I just feel like he's just a little kid who makes me laugh with his naivety.

They are going overseas for a wedding.  It's in May, so I hope they'll be back for the boys arrival.  SIL talked about how it's probably their last chance for a spontaneous trip before kids. This irked me a little, but not too much.

Then BIL got excited. See, he works for schools and so has more time off than his wife. He said to her, when your home with a baby, we can go on holiday adventures every school holidays. This is naive on about five levels- but of course, the possibility of IF was at the front of my mind, as I reflected on how often I had thought that when I was working and Earl was a student.

I don't want to be ungracious. After all, it was a very naive LG who started this journey. But now i see the world through IF glasses. And sometimes I wish I could just say what I think to them all.  "You think IF wont happen to you? It happened to me. Why do you assume you get a smooth road?"

But I never have the guts.  I hope you all had an okay weekend, and that no ones April fool joke were insensitive.