"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Monday, April 30, 2012

Why I am over waiting

At some stage this week, AF will arrive and my FET cycle will begin. I do have hope for it. It might sounds kind of funny, given that everything at the moment for me is about Embryo adoption, but I do really have hope. And I have hope for the next cycle. We are trying some special things for the next stim, who knows, they may be the thing that makes the difference. But I am also very aware that they all might not work, and that it is time to start perfecting our plan B. Last week I got the message from my councellor that the waiting list for ED is around 18 months. 18 MONTHS! In someways, it isn't a big deal. I will likely be 34 by the time we come up for ED, which in the grand scheme of things is still very young. The system at our clinic is lovely, I like the way they match, I like the way they care, I like the team that I will be working with. But there are a few things that make waiting that long so hard. The first is Dad. My Dad has been dealing with Prostate Cancer for a little longer than we've been trying to have a baby. The prognosis at the start of the year was good. He had some very successful hormone treatment that slowed things down. But in Feb (the day before Earl's Pa died) he got a bad blood test. So he will be back on the hormones next month. Now, there is still a good possibility that the hormones will work again. But it's a real blow for us, a sense that while Dad is not dying yet, that he is not going to live the 15 or more years that we were hoping for. My Dad loves babies. Absolutely adores them. He was a terrific Dad, and he will/would make a great Grandpa. I hate waiting because I am so aware that every year I don't get pregnant is a year my kids won't get to spend with him. It's also hard because we don't know. ED is a really exciting option. It is likely to work. But there are no garentees. And we can't go on the waiting list until we've stopped other treatment. So we are getting ready for an 18 month wait that might still lead to nothing. It is tough. But there are glimmers of hope. A FET, Another stim. A chance that the waiting list comes down. And last night on the TV, for the first time ever, I saw a news story about Embryo donation. A positive story, encouraging people to do it. In the very week where we were told about the waiting list length. So who knows? Maybe some out there someone saw that news item, who will decide in 12 months time to donate their embryos. And they might finally be the children we have been praying for. LG

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

A future I am happy with?

It has been a good week. I feel like celebrating that. There have been a few things that have made it good. Cuddles with my nephew, who grows cuter and more precious to me everyday. I miss him when I don't see him. Speaking of which, I think I'm due for another visit! An overall feeling to the week that the future is good. The future is still very unknown. But with the possibility that we either get pregnant in the next FET or stimulated cycle, and that if we don't we will probably try embryo adoption, those are too futures that I feel very happy about. The stress that has been going on in our life in other areas has lessened slightly. It hasn't gone away, it just feels like things are slowly coming together, like it will all be alright. Allright. I am so used to expecting the worst case scenario, thinking that everything will fail that this strange optimism is really lovely. There is no NIAW in Australia as far as I'm aware. I wish there was. Or rather, the truth is, I wish we were public in our struggle. You see, I wanted to write a post about it here, or on my AWESOME facebook infertility sight, but in someways there is no point. The people who read this get it, or at least they have the empathy and interest to read about IF, which means they aren't the people who need to hear. The people who need to hear are the people we haven't told. I guess I always imagined we would say something about our struggle after we got pregnant. But as that hasn't happened, I'm still wondering if it will ever be on the cards. I might write the post another day anyway. I really want to write about my joint infertility/facebook journey. I would love friends on facebook to understand how I feel when they post things. Not necessarily because they will all change what they do, but just so people have a bit more of a window, and can think before they post. LG Out :)

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Another rambling update because I'm finding it hard to come up with Coherent Ideas for posts :)

Feels like since my last post it's been a pretty massive week.

Remember last post, friend had just had a miracle pregnancy?

Sunday was my birthday, and I was teaching Sunday School. As I arrived one of the kids said to me "God put a baby in Mummy's Tummy".

"Mummy", who knows what we have been going through went into apology mode, she hadn't really thought about the fact that her kids would announce it like that, and that she was sorry. But I was pretty overwhelmed. This friend has been trying for her third for over 2 years, and I was a bit shell shocked that she had succeeded. A lovely conversation with her afterwards, and and otherwise fabulous day made it all alright, but I couldn't help thinking "Not the birthday present I was after God!"

The kids told Earl that God had answered their prayers and put a baby in Mummy's Tummy. Earl said "Maybe you can pray that God will give us a baby". Their son (whose nearly four) said "You want a baby?". "Yes" said Earl. The boy paused and then said "Well, you have to pray for your own baby". Ouch!

The big, big theme for the week has been embryo adoption. It has only come up in a few conversations with Earl and I, but it's been firmly on both our minds.

Embryo adoption has been something we have both theoretically been excited about for a long time. But the reality of processing it is tough. I know with all my heart if we went down that road I would not regret it, perhaps wouldn't want it any other way. But the complications, the process of thinking how you teach children about their origin, the contact that the kids could have with their biological parents after 18- is just things that I never thought would be part of my parenting.

Earl is worried about how he will feel about babies who aren't his own. He wants kids, he wants a family, but he doesn't have any natural inclination towards babies, so I think he is afraid that he just won't attach if it's not his genetic child.

I know that is not true. I know my Earl, and I know despite his trepidation, he would love our babies with a fierce love, no matter what their genetic make-up. But it's part of his process of dealing through this, and I need to give him the space to think and decide on his own. And to not talk about it all the time, as much as I want to.

But I have gotten back into reading Embryo Adoption blogs, and am starting to get excited :)

The funny thing for me is, I began reading Embryo adoption blogs before I started reading Infertility blogs. I don't know how it happened. I never searched for blogs, I either read one that mentioned one that I began to read, or people found me. So the whole process was very organic, and because one of the first blog I read was a EA blog, many of the others that followed were too.

When i was pregnant with Thumper, many, many of the EA blogs that I was reading were also about pregnancies. I read them enthusiastically. When Thumper died, I stopped. I tried to read some of them again, but I was just so filled with jealousy that I had to stop.

So going back now, and reading these blogs of people with their little babies is so very encouraging, because it reminds me that this is what I want. A little baby who needs me. Yes, the original plan was a genetic mix of Earl and I, but as I look at all these beautiful babies I realise that any one of them I would gladly welcome into my womb and arms. That this is something that I want to do.

Earl keeps reminding me that EA still might not solve our problems. But it is hope, a flame flickering in my heart.
PS I realise some of you who read this are EA's. I hope what i have written has made sense, and that you understand how awesome I think your journey's have been. Any advice would be appreciated :)

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Constant rebuilding

One of the hardest things about IF is that just when you pull yourself together, something happens that makes you fall apart again.

It has been a pretty good week overall. I don't know if I've mentioned this on my blog, but in my spare time I am a writer. I have been writing a novel for the last 5 years (Ironically I started right when we started trying for kiddies) and am very close to completion. Anyway, this week I was able to spend lots of time on it, and I love it. Really, the happiest I ever am is when I'm writing. Partly it's just living out the life of my character, who faces pretty tough things but whose "happily ever after" I have complete control over. But it makes me so happy, and it's been a Godsend with the news of last week.

Earlier in the week when I had not been coping, I booked an appointment with a Therapist. So yesterday I went in. It was wonderful. She was wonderful. It was like talking to my old therapist. She was filled with hope, so enthusiastic about my chances. She had some really helpful info about Embryo donation- including that the waiting lists at our clinic had gone down to as low as 3 months! I came out feeling like we would have a baby soon, and if we couldn't, then embryo donation would actually be a really great alternative.

That afternoon we had our appointment with our doctor. Not so positive. He looked at our embryo quality, and said everything looked good. He was happy with fertilisation, happy with how they turned out. But once again they didn't stick. He said his money was on genetically abnormal embryos.

We are going to go ahead with one more stimulated cycle after our frozen transfer. But he doesn't think this is something that can go on forever. He thinks there isn't much more they can do after that.

Earl and I had an emotional couple of hours talking about it. Talking about embryo adoption. Re-talking about donor eggs. It was tough. But good. I felt like I pulled myself together.

I had a great night, celebrating my birthday with Earl's family.

Then as we headed home, Earl told me some news.

My friend Mrs L is pregnant again.

Mrs L is my friend who was trying similiar time as me. Who got pregnant on her first IVF cycle. Who had one frozen embryo that didn't survive the thaw. Who decided with her husband that they weren't up for another cycle now, that they would wait a few years, and then try again.

Pregnant naturally.

I love her, I love her son and I will love her child. I don't begrudge this.


It's funny. You do your best to think positively about your situation. You decide it's okay that you didn't get pregnant right away. You decide that it's okay that conception doesn't happens through s3x. You decide that its okay that it takes a while, as long as it happens. You decide, finally, that maybe it will be okay if they are not genetically my kids, because at least I will have a baby.

Then someone gets what you so desperately want and you think. Yes, I'm okay with all this. But why do I have to make all these compromises when someone in exactly the same situation as me, gets everything!

Think it's time for another trip to the counsellor. 24 hours later.
PS Love to HJ, I am so very, very sorry about your BFN. You know, I keep having these dreams that one day I will go to the US and meet you and we will have children to show each other. I am still praying for that to happen friend. I'm so sorry.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Transfer plan

You'll be pleased to hear that the nurse who rang up to give me my results was alot nicer than the one who took them. She was very sympathetic and sorry.

But, my silly early period has messed things up a bit. Normally at this clinic they do natural cycles, which would have meant that even though my day 1 was Tuesday, it still would have been fine to start a cycle straight away. But my doctor doesn't want me to do anything normal, I've tried normal so he's all about different! I'm actually having a puregon transfer cycle. Sounds totally weird to me, but I get the logic, stimulate me to ovulate (though not the extent of a normal IVF cycle of course), then pop the embryo back in after I do.

But because I would have had to start the stims pretty early, I am too late for this cycle. I was bummed for a second then strangely relieved. I guess I kinda knew that I wasn't up for two roller coaster months in a row.

So it begins again. A month off, followed by a month on again. I'm glad we are doing different now. Because Thumper was a fresh baby, I often feel like frozen cycles are never going to work anyway. So different at least gives me a little glimmer of hope.

Life is half impossibly hard, and half not to bad. Hoping the "not so bad" starts winning the comp pretty soon. I'm so exhausted from sadness.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Trying to pull ourselves together

This morning I went early to the clinic to have my beta. It was a traumatic experience, because it could have been such a different one. I told the nurse I had my period so it was a formality. She asked me what I was doing over the long weekend, and told me to have a lovely day. No acknowledgement of the fact that this was clearly a hard day for me. It made me sad, because the lovely nurse who used to take my blood in my old clinic would have given me a hug and told me she was sorry.

I cried in the car, so much that I had to pull over and call Earl, coz I was worried I would have an accident.

Earl is pretty sad today. The big issue is, IF is not the only stressful/not going well thing in our lives at the moment. It feels like crap is just piling up high on us, and we don't know why.

Yesterday I hung out with some friends and their daughter. Their four year old asked me "Are you going to get married Auntie LG?" Her Mum corrected her, said that I was married to Uncle Earl. "But you don't have children?" she asked puzzled "How can you be married without Children?". I am I told her. She paused for a moment then said "Your tummy needs to get really fat and then you can have a baby". It was both a really hard and a really funny conversation. I said "I hope so" and she seemed satisfied with that.

It is so very hard to trust God when your life is falling apart. But I'm trying to remember what day it is. Good Friday. That was the day that proves once and for all that God loves me.

I would appreciate lots of prayers. Life is really tough.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Processing the News

It's been a very, very hard nearly 42 hours.

I got my first site of bleeding during a dinner with friends. It was all I could do to smile and be polite through it when I really wanted to go to bed and howl! But they left and I told Earl and we cried together.

Day 2 I got the heavy bleeding and knew there was no hope. It was a tough day, I had organised to see my SIL and nephew and was trying to decide if it would help or hinder. It helped. Nephew is such a treasure! As I looked at him, I thought to myself "This is worth it. Even though this path is hard, it is worth it to create someone precious like this". I felt detirmined. Though Earl pointed out when I told him this, no matter how detirmined we are or how hard we try, that doesn't gareentee us a baby.

Today was really tough. It was an emotional day anyway, moving my Grandmother's piano to my house, as she and Pa are moving into a retirement villiage. Earl has been a trooper. Rediculous numbers of cuddles, lovely words, even flowers. I am feeling very sad, but very loved.

We named our babies Alfred and Ian- the first and middle names of Earl's Pa who passed away two weeks ago. I love the idea of them all meeting in heaven. But I wish they could have stayed.

We have one embryo left from this cycle, and can decide this week if we want to go straight in or wait. I think I want to go straight in. I've also booked an appointment with my doc next week so we can talk about this cycle and the future.

Earl feels like now is not the time to give up on genetic children. I suspect (if the doctor agrees) we might do one more fresh cycle, before exploring embryo adoption. Of course, I want our last little one to make it and for there to be no future cycles to think about for a while, but it's hard to be positive after a week like this.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Stupid, Stupid AF

She came in full today, though she had made herself known last night.

I am very, very, very, very angry and upset.

I feel completely blind-sided. I didn't know that she would come so early, and I really took seriously the possibility that I might be pregnant.

Not fair, not fair, not fair.

Don't have the energy for reflection today. Beta on Friday.