"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Friday, December 30, 2011

Much to say to hard to say

I have much to say but just don't feel like saying it. Please pray for Earls Pa who is in hospital. We would be devastated to loose him.

2011 was the year to survive

2012 is the year to THRIVE!

Praying this is THE year for all of us.
Love LG

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Good days, bad days

Last night, Earl held me and promised me that this time next year I would look back and be amazed at all the good things that would happen. He promised. I don't know how he can keep that promise, but I trust him, and that promise helped me to sleep with joy last night.

Today feels like a good day. Today I read blogs about happy baby filled Christmas, and I imagine that will be me

There Are good days and bad days. How I wish it were all good.

Starving to death

Had a couple of really bad days. Yes, I am okay with adopting if thats where things are going. II will be a Mum to whoever will take me. What I cannot face is the 5-10 years it takes in Australia to adopt.

just before Christmas my youngest sister-in-law mentioned she really wants to buy and be settled in a house by the end of next year. Then she gave a coy little smile that shattered me. My very little BIL and SIL are going to try this year and the idea is killing me.

It is hard enough with my first SIL and her massive beautiful heart-breaking belly, another one, I can't even think about it.

I feel like I'm starving to death-watching those around me eat a 6course feast

And they are complaining there is not enough salt.



Friday, December 23, 2011

Merry Christmas

I know I am not the merriest person in the world.

It's been a hard year. This time last year was really, really hard, and the hardness was just beginning.

But this year, as I get ready to celebrate the birth of my saviour- I am ready to be merry. Not because I know that things will all work out like I hope. Not because there is anything new to celebrate this year, my arms are still empty.

But my life is full of many things: Awesome family, a beautiful supportive husband, food and shelter and a life with purpose.

And because of the first Christmas, I have Jesus. So I am ready for a Merry Christmas.

Today I feel that. Two days ago I did not. That is the nature of this ride. The big thing is not to feel guilty when things are hard, and to do your best with the good times.

So whether this Christmas is Merry or very, very sad- you are in my prayers.
love LG

Thursday, December 22, 2011

A Cool Headed look at our Situation

Yesterday was a strange day. I knew it was a year since we lost Thumper, but we had decided not to focus on it. And isomehow I could.

I think it's coz I've been dealing with Thumpers death for so long that one day was just a day in the journey. Earl wants to celebrate his life and not his dath and I really like that.

As for our Docs negative assessment, after the initial shock, it in some way seems like a relief. We aren't definitely unable to have our own kids, but we will do tests and actually have some answers. We can in some senses start to think about moving on to other adoption options. And there is a lot of beautiful things about that.

So next steps. We will do an IVF cycle where we will during the cycle test the embryos to see if there are any genetic problems with them that is halting implantation. If it tuns out there is something inherently wrong with our eggs/sperm we will explore embryo adoption. If embryos are fine we will try some slightly experimental medication for my Uterus, which worked for our friend.

If none of that works then we will go down the adoption road.

I'm so matter a fact! My Thrapist always says you can get to a point where having your own Genetic child becomes less important and adoption is suddenly exciting. The strange thing is I was already at that point, I just didn't know it until Yesterday.

I can't garrentee all will happen as I imagine. Any adoption in Australia, even embryo-adoption, is a tough ask. But It is worth a try.


Tuesday, December 20, 2011

RE Appointment- well, you'll just have to read the post because I don't know how to describe it

So, our RE appointment was shifted a day ahead and it happened this morning. How can I describe it? A bit traumatic.

The doctor looked at my file and said that given my embryos and my age and the times we've tried I should be pregnant by now, so that meant one of two problems. Either there was something Genetically wrong with my embryos, or there is something wrong with my Uterus. They have the facilities to Genetically test my embryos to see if that is the problem, if there is no problem then there are a few things they can try in relation to my Uterus. But I have to face the real possibility that the only solution to genetically abnormal embryos in donated sperm or egg, and the only solution if my uterus does not work is Surrogacy.

Clue tears.

In the end we didn't get very far in our discussions because Earl and I had to go and process the news. This arvo we will call up and book things in. I actually like my new clinic. I've already had a lovely counsellor ring up and talk me through things, every ones been very understanding and concerned for me. And I don't blame the doctor for being realistic. It's just that these kinds of options- these kind of "worst case scenarios" have always been presented as far in the future. It was such a shock, in what I saw as an initial discussion of our case, to have such things raised, to have the next steps being so extreme.

I don't really know how to think about it. I think the scariest thing is that not being able to have our own genetic children now feels like a real possibility. And that is really hard. Not to mention the fact that both Earl and I have not discussed about how we feel about Sperm or Egg donation. We've talked about Embryo adoption- and that is alot more appealing to us that the other two- though I get the vibe my clinic sees EA as only an option for those who Sperm or Egg donation doesn't work. But it's just like a whole mine-field that has opened up in front of us.

The timing? Tomorrow is the anniversary of when we lost Thumper. 2011- you have done it again!

I am sitting here crying, but I am okay. Not great, but okay. There is still a chance that we can have our own Genetic children- and anything is possible with God. But it is still a blow.

Please pray for us. It's a tough road, and it doesn't look like getting any smoother anytime soon.

Friday, December 16, 2011

BFF Meeting and RE meeting

Im sitting up in bed on Earl's iPad writing this blog. So apologizes for bad grammar or punctuation I find the key board a little tough.

Yesterday, I had my first live chat with BFF since her news. I was so nervous, nervous that it would be awkward, nervous she would say something insensitive and hard, nervous that I would be so over sensitive that even normal comments would offend me.

It was wonderful

I can't work out why. It could be her attitude, I suspect it was our prayers, but we had the best time. Frank deep conversations, lots of laughs, we hung out for nearly three hours and I didn't want it to end. She kept saying "this probably isn't helpful" about topics that she thought might upset me, but they never were a problem.

So glad I can go into this year with a BFF that I can be with and be supported by, rather than just another hard pregnancy.

And so now the next nervous meeting is with our new RE. I always find new medical professionals scary, so weird to sit down with a stranger and tell them your life's greatest pain. I am excited and hopeful and glad to get him. But still scared.

Had some sad and some happy blog news of late. Thinking of you all.
Love LG

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Coming home childless

On the road on the way home, two things were going on which meant that I wasn't in a good place for a long drive and a sentimental reflection of the last four years interstate. One was a conversation on Monday with my dear friend Mrs L. I loved her, she has been a huge support to me. But I think I need to say to her, I can't talk to her about IVF anymore. Everytime i talk to her, she just looks so mornful, so sorry for me, so "you are dreaming if you think this is going to happen after your million and one cycles", that I always walk away feeling just like that.

Then I got a message from my BFF saying she was having her 13 week scan and if all went well (which it did) she would start telling people.

I thought I was okay about BFFs pregnancy.

Wrong again.

So I sit in my Parent-in-laws house, reading blogs of so many people who are going into Christmas- FULL, and I sit here empty.

I know tomorrow i will have hope. I am really detirmined to hold it together, to do my best to be hopeful and happy. But today. Today I think I just have to mourn what I do not have.


Saturday, December 10, 2011


Hi Friends,
Thanks so much for your support. I feel bad getting all silly- I do not want to be that kind of blogger, who gets stressed about lack of comments. But I was in a bad place, and I appreciate your gracious reactions to my paranoia :)

Better place now. We have packed up our house, today is my last day in my current job and in two days we get in the car and drive home. I only experienced a year of IF in my home town (and technically then it wasn't IF but TTC), and I am looking forward to facing this struggle with family and close friends there to support us. I am petrified of many things, but I am hopeful. 2012 has become a great beacon of hope for Earl and I. Earl keeps saying "It can't be worse that this year". I know it can, we could get the dreaded "You will never have kids". But I am choosing to hope, to be excited, to go into this year not in passive despair but in hopeful anticipation, that whatever happens I can CHOOSE to make the best of it.

I have soo much to do today, I shouldn't really be blogging. But its an emotional day, and I think today of all days I have a right to do what I want to do as well as what I need to do.

I am struck by the world that many of you are in, preparing for first time cycles, hoping for good news, trying your best to get through the 2 week wait. I am thinking of you and praying so hard for lots of happy news and success.
love LG

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I'm NOT pregnant, please keep reading my blog!

Today could have been a really lovely day. It was farewell from a very special job I'v been doing. And it was a really lovely day today whenever I was busy. And yet when I had a moment to myself I just couldn't help feeling in despaired. I really, really, really thought I was pregnant. And I'm not. It's just so overwhelmingly unfair.

You hear all those lovely stories about how "I really hoped and prayed I'd have a baby before Christmas" or, "Exactly a year after loosing by baby I was pregnant again" and it comes true. I thought I was going to be one of those lovely stories but I am not. I am never a lovely story. I am that never successful, always awful- 'person you never want to be' stories. All the things I've dreaded, Christmas, the day we lost Thumper, my SIL Pregnancy, My BFFs pregnancy, they are all happening with no baby and its too hard.

I read other blogs about people who are nine weeks, exactly where I was when I lost Thumper.


And I'm a bit worried that some people have stopped reading my blog because they think I'm pregnant. I'm not, please come back! I need your support through all this!


Monday, December 5, 2011

Only a moment to speak

Life is mad and crazy at the moment, I've only just caught up with my usual blogs and I'll give you a very brief update. Moving in exactly a week, madly packing and finishing up work. Rolls of sadness wash over us every so often, but we are also trying to remember that getting pregnant this month would have been a bonus, nothing has changed if you cut out basically a week and a half.

But it still really sucks for all that. I don't even know if I'm morning a baby or not. But I'm most definately morning a beautiful dream.

A friend wrote me an email about how she loves new year. The time of new possibilities. That is how I am trying to think about 2012. It will be different, new city, new job, back with our beloved families. There will be tough things like watching my SIL, BFF, and others have their babies before me. But they will be oportunities to try to enjoy others babies even when its tough. And it is a new clinic, a new specialist, and perhaps new chances to have a pregnancy that stays. I am apprehensive, but also a little excited.

I wish, wish, wish I could go into this year pregnant. 2011 has been so very hard, the hardest year of my life. But it is almost over. And maybe 2012 will be the year when I finally get to hold a baby in my arms.

And that is what I pray for all of you out there too.
love LG

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Next steps

I am so sick of having that as a blog title!

Yesterday was terrible. My friend who struggled with depression was described by her Therapist as a functional depressed. Ie, despite her depression she was able to do all the things that she needed to do.

I am a functional IF. Usually. But I got very close to non-functioning yesterday. There were lots of silly, frustrating things that went on, as well as AF becoming very obviously there- killing any hopes that might have come from my morning vomit (I mean, SERIOUSLY! My body is so frustrating!). I got through the day without crying in public- just.

And so, in three weeks and one day we will meet up with our special brand new specialist. We will see if there might be something that can be done to me that might make me work.

But, if things are as I expect, and I was pregnant for even a teansie while this month (Its weird, do I morn a baby I don't know if it was there???)- then that is a very, very, very amazing sign. Maybe we can make a baby on our own?

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers. This is just a terrible week!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Dealing with hopes dashed

One of the hardest things about disappointment after such hopeful moments is that you have to reorientate your thinking.

Once again, I have to think about job hunting, when for a while I thought I'd be having a kid instead.

Once again, I have to face Christmas with all my relatives going gaga over my sister-in-laws belly, without a belly of my own to secretly celebrate.

Once again, I have to face moving, and packing and a really hard week, all with IF underlying it.

But I won't stop believing that my life will be good. I had a few days of possibilities, and I am not giving up that I can have that again. Next time I hope with those possibilities becoming realities.

Friday, December 2, 2011


I'm so upset.

I know its not definately the end of things, I know these tests can be wrong, I know it was about my fourth pee of the day so maybe there wasn't much hormone to find. But there was no line. Nothing. Not even a light one.

And then the slightest, pinky/brown spotting.

Why did things look so good to go so bad in a matter of hours.

I'm so sad.

Update: I rang up the fertility clinic. They said if my period doesn't arrive by Monday to come and do a test. The nurse said even if I'm not pregnant they might be able to work out what's going on with such a long cycle

Day 45

A few days ago, just after my last post I think, Earl gave me a call. He had some bad news. I won't go into what it was (it wasn't terrible bad, it was just frustrating bad), but his question was "Is History repeating itself?". You see, he had very similar frustrating news a year ago. A year ago when we were pregnant with Thumper.

I assured him of what he really already knew, that just because this thing had happened, and then we lost Thumper- does not mean that we are going to loose this baby if we are pregnant, just because the same thing had happened again. History was not repeating- things are so different this year.

I did the calculations on the web in terms of when my periods was, and how long my cycles normally go. If I am pregnant (and I am more and more sure that I am), then the baby would be due within days of Thumper's due date anniversary. It is in many ways history repeating itself. That is a scary thought, but it is also an amazing thought- it makes me associate this pregnancy and this baby with my beloved Thumper in a very precious way. And it makes the miracle of a completely unexpected pregnancy feel even more like a gift.

Praying this little one that might be growing inside me can stay with us forever!

Day 44 was a little bit traumatic. When calculating at first I miscalculated and thought that I was actually day 37- which of course is no where near as exciting! But after recalculating and confirming (by this blog!) when my period was, I was able to confirm that I was right. So that makes today 45- incredible!

Also, before I went to bed- I had a slight touch of very, very pale brown spotting. Earl and I both very sick and pretty scared.

An hour later, it was gone, and this morning it is gone and I feel pretty nauseous. So I am not to dwell on it. But I think very soon (maybe after the weekend) it is time for a test, and I suspect Earl will agree with me.

Pray for me!

update: I vomited! Earl said from the other room "Is it wrong that for me that was a happy sound?". Too early for a chemist to be open but we will test today and if its positive see about getting a beta for Monday