"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Sunk in

It's sunk in.

I am not coping.

I am sitting in my office crying and I am not coping.

I just want to quit everything and just go home to bed and never get up again.

I can't handle one more day of trying to act like everything is okay. I can't go through one more day serving people who have everything I want but take me for granted.

I can't go through one more disappointing cycle.

I can't say goodbye to one more precious baby for no good reason other than my body seems to be a death trap.

I am not coping. And I feel so alone :'(

Sunday, April 24, 2011

The two me's

Not sure if anyone read my last post in time to pray for Sunday, but God definately answered our prayers. I don't know quite how it happened, but I managed to do (according to Earl) one of my best every kids talks. I held it together to welcome a new lady, had some nice time just hanging with Earl, I helped another girl write a kids talk, I sang in evening church, and I cheerfully went out for dinner after church with friends. I even handled saying and hearing "Happy Easter" about 20 times

It sounds like I don't care about my BFN at all. But I do, I really do.

Of course, I haven't included the hissy fits. Of which there were at least 5, spread throughout the day. And the tears. And the Angry prayers. And the whys?

When I woke up on Sunday morning I went onto facebook where our friends had just put up their photos of their fourth baby. These are lovely people who know about IVF and who pray for us. But they break my heart. Before we started trying, the husband told us matter-a-factly "We are hoping to get pregnant in June". A friend of these said they were even using the billing method to make sure there first was a boy. At the time even before all this IF rubbish I thought "You presumptious idiot!". They were pregnant in June. They had their boy. And not only that, they then had girl, boy, and now girl. They got pregnant with their second right at the point when we started trying. So they have had three kids (to add to their one) since we have been trying.

Please understand, I don't hate them. I don't think they deserve horrible things for their rediculous controllingness. But I just don't understand. Why do they get four and we get none. Why, do they get their precious little girl right in time to coincide with us once again loosing our own? I get so mad and so angry and I say to God "I'm sick of waiting!. Why is this so easy for so many and so hard for us?"

So my Easter was filled with joy, fun, anger, tears, disappointment and impatients.

I am a strange person. I can pull it together when I need to. And more than that, it's not hard. I just switch. I wasn't pretending to be happy yesterday as I taught the kids, as I goofed around with friends, as I laughed about Bear Gril latest disguisting antics over dinner. It was real. I've gotten so used to this double life it's like there are two mes. One- Belinda (my real name) who everyone knows is confident and together and friendly and happy. And then, Lady Grey- who cries and screams and thinks- "Can I really get through tomorrow?".

I am a people person, and when I am around my friends and particularly those God has given me to care for, I am okay.

But when the people leave, it hits me again, and I just ask the same question Earl and I have been asking God since Thumper. "When will our time of mourning end?"

Friday, April 22, 2011

BFN :'(

After the initial tears and shock, we are mainly just feeling flat. We really, really thought this one might have worked. But it didn't. We have named our precious little one "Easter" for obviously reasons.

I am, strangely, still filled with hope and trust in God. I know for me it always takes a little while for the news to sink in, but at least for the moment I feel okay. I feel the love of God despite the circumstances.

Earl and I went out for Dumplings, which is standard fare on sad-IVF days. They are for us the ultimate comfort food.

Please pray for us as we head towards tomorrow. I have so church related commitments tomorrow, and it's going to be a tough day. And please pray that this is the end, pray that our next little one we can hold in our arms this side of heaven! We are so tired of saying goodbye!

Now I'm off to watch a distracting movie with my Earl, who is the most wonderful man I know. I don't know how I could survive days like today without him.
Thanks for your prayers,

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


Stress is a funny thing.

Today I am overwhelmed with stress. Stress about my job. I am really feeling like pulling my hair out and just going home. And it's not that there is anything particular about work that is stressing me. It's just the weight of responsibility and the sense of being taken for granted.

But the honest truth is that the stress isn't really all about work. It's all about Saturday and the test. It's all about the fact that I could have bleeding anytime now which would suggest that there is no baby left inside me. That is how stress works with me. I distract myself, but the stress from IVF seems into whatever I am doing and I feel overwhelmed anyway.

It is, as always, rotten timing. Rotten timing that Earl is away and I am hug-less for a week. Rotten timing that it is Easter and so the day after the beta I am doing a kids talk at church. But is there ever a perfect timing for a test to see if your baby is dead or alive?

In other news, I had a big chat yesterday with my best friend about her and her husband starting trying. It is one of the difficultest things in the world, even though she has been one of the most supportive, awesome people through the whole process. I feel a little bit guilty for her. She is not going into this process hopeful and expectant. Her sister took a year to get pregnant because of PCOS, and then there is me with my lovely history. So she is just assuming it will take awhile, and is quite pessamistic. I don't think it will take awhile. I think it will be fast and it will be hard, because it just seems like that is the way with my friends. She will be lovely and sensitive and wonderful about it, but it will be hard.

Of course, we are both praying for the best possible outcome. And I think that is okay. God is generous and kind and he knows our hearts so we can pray for the best. That I am pregnant now, and that she is pregnant right away. It is ideal. I will be moving back to my hometown, 10 minutes away from her house. To have a baby within a month of my best friend- living 10 minute away. With all the crazy horribleness of the last few years, that would be just an incredible, wonderful gift.

I know this probably won't happen. But IF has taken so many of my dreams away- I'd like to have one more.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Reflections on another birthday

I turned 31 on Friday.

Not so bad. It might have been not so bad because I know there is a possibility that our baby is still alive inside of me. Or it might be that after the huge deal of 30, 31 just doesn't seem such a big deal. In some weird way, 31 seems younger than 30, if that makes any sense.

Also, I think I am getting better at letting go of old dreams and plans and just being positive about the future. Yes I wanted to have kids before I was 30. That dream is dead. But I have time on my side, and kids I have after 30 will be as precious as any kids I could have had before. Maybe more so, because I have wanted and worked so hard for them.

I also think that I'm dealing with it better because I really do think that Pregnancy is not too far away, or at least is out of the rhelm of the impossible.

I'm been incredibly distracted this weekend, Earl and I were looking after some teenagers from church who we took to a Christian Youth convention. It was awesome and overwhelming, and having to fit our plans around pessaries was really the only thing that kept things on my mind. It was wonderful too because the theme of the convention was the Jesus is better than anything. It is an incredible thing that God has given me his very, very best. Jesus, as my Savour, Lord and Brother! It is good to remember that, because so much of the time i get so caught up in this struggle I think that a BFP is the only good thing that matters.

But there will be little to distract me this week. Earl has gone interstate for a few days, coming back the night before the beta. This week it won't be so easy to avoid thinking about it.

In God's goodness the trip away with the teens also coincided with a baby shower for a lady expecting a July baby, whose pregnancy announcement came a few weeks after we lost Thumper. I am getting better at loving her through the disappointment and jealousy- but I wasn't up to her shower. And I didn't have to be. Thank you God :)

I want my baby to live. I want a BFP. I want God to answer my prayers with a Yes, Yes, Yes.
Please, Please, Please Heavenly Father.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Very cute little cells

Remember how I said I was feeling overly confident and had no nerves?

Not anymore.

Last night and this morning I had a work related crisis which only resolved itself half an hour before the transfer. It really annoyed me, because every transfer I long for a stress free, relaxing day, and every time it doesn't happen. But it's all sorted now. But I suspect my over-reaction to the work issues have so much more to do with the transfer than anything else. It has happened, and I am afraid.

Earl and I have a few little "transfer traditions" (sad we have done so many that this is possible). We pray alot. We usually go out for lunch or coffee straight afterwards. And we usually talk gender- guessing what we think our little baby might be. Earl thinks it's a girl, and so do I, though he wants to wait until Ultra-sound or BFN before confirming. I said "Isn't our little baby so cute?". Earl said, ummm, not really. He's like that. He is the kind of person who is quite comfortable saying a certain baby is ugly (not to the parents of course!). His blanket honesty is actually one of his most endearing qualities believe it or not- he's so funny and straight down the line. He doesn't see the "cute" factor in a Blastocyst. But I do ;)

I have always loved my babies. But I think Thumper has made me even more aware of how incredibly human they are. I know that sounds stupid. But as I looked at the embryo, i thought- this could be my last chance to see my baby before heaven. I'm happy today, not because I think I'm in for a BFP (I'm pretty pessamistic for some reason), but because at least for the moment my baby is alive and inside of me. And that makes me happy.

I want to nick-name this little one "Pearl" because our little one is so precious. But Earl wants to wait until the Ultra sound. "Wait until the Ultra-Sound"- it just shows how different things are because of Thumper. We are actually imagining life past the blood test.

But for all that, I am still pessamistic.
Pessamistic but praying.
PS I know I have spelt Pessamistic wrong- but spell checker isn't working today. So my bad spelling is revealed to the blogging world. Funny story, for the email address for this blog I was surprised hopedeferred was available as an email address. But it was only because I spelt it hopedeffered :)

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Transfer timing and praise for parents.

Transfers happening on Tuesday at 10:30.

So thankful to God!

We have had a lovely time at my cousins wedding, particularly having time with my parents. I don't think I've had much chance to talk about my incredibly wonderful parents. They have been all kinds of lovely throught this whole crazy process.

They are the most kid crazy parents you have ever met. They run the creche at their church, Dad has a baby radar which means he somehow manages to get a hold within 5 minutes of seeing any baby-even if he doesn't know the parents. One of my infertility fears has been what it my mean for my kid crazy parents. My sister has no inclination to marriage or kids, so Earl and I are it in the Grand-child production stakes.

But you would never know that from my parents. They say over and over again, they would love to be Grandparents, but what they really want is for us to have the chance to be parents. They ride the IVF roller-coaster with us, they pray for us, and they are always positive and encouraging. Financially they are always offering to help with IVF- although for various reasons we have decided not to take them up on that offer. There has never been any sense of pressure. There has only been understanding. I am so thankful to have them in our corner.

One big issue with this transfer is that I have no fear yet. I think I've just decided that now that the transfer is happening- it's just a given we will get the BFP. It's stupid. I know it's a ridiculous thing to think. But it's just how I feel. Earl has a nervousness I just can't share.

But come Wednesday- come the nerves.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Looking hopeful

Timing is looking great!

As of yesterday I still hadn't ovulated so it is looking really great that we will have a transfer next week. Yay! I am really hoping I ovulate today- because we are flying interstate tomorrow evening, and if for some reason they want me in for a blood test on Saturday we will have to cancel our flight. Which of course we are willing to do (my gorgeous parent's are paying for the flight, and got us to book it anyway, saying they are more than happy to cover the cost of any IVF related changes).

The nurses keep saying "Your almost there", so I'm assuming that we will get the go ahead today- and have a transfer on Tuesday- :)

So very, very, very thankful to God for this answered prayer, for this good thing. As I said in a previous post, I do often feel like the worst seems to happen, and it's nice to be reminded that this is not always the case, and that God does give us good things.

We will transfer one. Please pray that our little one survives the defrosting process well!

In other news, In Bible study group we are each bringing in something that is precious to share with the group, as a way of getting to know each other (most of the group didn't know each other at the start of the year). I brought in my ultra-sound picture of Thumper, and shared about him. I was so nervous, I wasn't sure if I should share it (particularly because most people had brought in fairly fun, non-serious precious things). But Earl thought it would be a good thing to do (for me and for the group) and it really was. Several of the girls cried, they prayed for me, and a new group of people got to learn about our special baby. One of the girls emailed me thanks, she had lost a baby to and she really appreciated me sharing.

And in some lovely timing- we were actually looking at Proverbs and Friendship in Bible study and covered the Proverb: "Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart". (Proverbs 25:20). This verse has proven true for me through this process, and I think it was really helpful to the girls in my group for me to be able to give an example of how true this Proverb was.

So overall, I am feeling very thankful. I know the nerves will kick in, and I never, ever enjoy the 2ww. But I have hope.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Natural Cycle D days

Today and Tomorrow are the days.

If I ovulate today, or I ovulate tomorrow- then it's all-over-red-rover on this natural cycle and I will have to wait until next month to try again. Though Earl and I will give it a red-hot-go naturally ;P

As much as I tell myself that this is okay, I desperately want this cycle to go ahead.

Please pray that it does!