"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Summer of Death- Praying for an Autumn (Fall) of life

Earl and I have titled this the summer of death.

Yesterday Earl and I went to a joint funeral for his Nanny and Papa. Nanny died on Valentines day. Papa died early yesterday morning, though we had known for the 24 hours before that he was no far from death (he had cancer and after Nanny's death he decided to stop treatment). This means that from November to Feburary- Earl has gone from all his Granparents being alive, to only one left.

And including precious Thumper- we have experienced 4 deaths of those we care about in a 4 month period.

It has been the worst Summer of my life, excluding those precious happy weeks when Thumper was with us.

We are praying hard. Praying for an Autumn/Fall that brings life!

In other news, my husband has put me on a facebook ban because our friends have just gotten pregnant and in his words are doing "lots of funny things" on facebook about it. I felt a little sad last night (particularly because they know we are trying, they know about Thumper, but they still didn't tell us personally). But I'm actually okay. Which is definately progress, Yay!

I spent the morning tea after the funeral entertaining the most precious little girl (nearly 2). She would hide her toes and I would cry, "where's your toes" then she would bring them out and I would tickle them and she laughed and laughed. Because she is a relative, I wonder if our daughter if we have one will look like her. It was a strangely, comforting, hopeful thought.

It was a beautiful funeral, one of hope. It reminded me that even though I am in such pain, one day I will be with Jesus. In the sea of doubt and pain that this summer has been, that is a timely reminder.
Please Father. An Autumn of life.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Update on next steps

I've actually had a good day today. Been a while. Just really been struggling. Earl's Grandma died on Tuesday and the shock of it has really sent me off the edge. Really cannot cope with one more horrible hard thing right now! But a really lovely Bible study today has really helped to put my mind back together for at least the moment.

So I thought I'd record where we are at.

Nurses at the hospital have recommended I have two periods before we begin again, so I am waiting on number one at the moment. It's been 5 weeks since the actual misscarriage, but only two weeks since my body has been free of pregnancy hormones so I am not sure what to expect in terms of waiting. Given the length of time it is taking, we will probably see our doctor before my second period, as our appointment is on the 15th of March. Hopefully there we will make a decision whether to try a more natural cycle (timing transfer around ovulation with very little chemical intervention involved) or the standard full-meds frozen cycle.

March the 15th seems so far away (though at least it's Feb so its less than it sounds). The waiting has been so horrible. I have never, never, never wanted a baby more or struggled with infertillity more than I have in the last two months. March seems so far away.

I don't think I can take another two months like the last two. And if it doesn't happen...

I am scared of this next cycle but I want to be there. I want a baby. I miss Thumper so much, and I suspect nothing will ever change that. But in another baby there might be healing.
Please Father!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Not my world

Sometimes I think the Internet is not good for me.

Today I opened a blog post of a friend celebrating a year since since found out she was pregnant with her second child.

It was a lesson in what life is like in the world of the fertile. So different from my world.

She isn't sure if she's pregnant and decides to pee on a stick.

Not my world

She wasn't trying to get pregnant and isn't sure how she feels about it.

Not my world

She finds out that she is and is excited.

Well, it was my world once but even then there was a fear that just doesn't seem to fit into the "normal" experience. And in the end the fear was justified :'(

She is worried about telling her friend who is also trying for her second, but finds out they are both conveniently pregnant, found out at the same time, and are now expecting their kids at the same time.

In my world i watch my friends move onto their second 'successful' (sorry, bad word I know)pregnancies, and babies births. And nothing works out conveniently for me.

She now writes excitedly as she looks at her baby beside her.

Not my world.

I HATE MY WORLD!!!!!!!!!


Thursday, February 3, 2011

Dealing with Anger

I am very thankful to be living in Australia doing IVF. Not only can i go to a good quality clinic through the public system where I don't pay much and where some of what I pay gets given back by the Government because of our low income(!)- but the hospital I go to provides a fullish-time IF counsellor for free. And she is lovely. We had our first face-to-face appointment since the miscarriage (we were talking on the phone while I was interstate with my family).

One of the things we talked about was anger.

I am angry so much of the time.

It's not always related to the miscarriage/infertility though it often is. Anger when a friend gets pregnant. Anger when I think about how long it has been since we started trying. Anger when I think about how I would be showing if little Thumper had lived. Anger at my husband because he wants time in the evening to study rather than spending them all with me. And mostly just anger at myself for not coping with my pain. I suspect it's just a stage of the grief process that I have to go through. My way of dealing with it is often to be angry with myself for being angry! I knew I wasn't being godly with my thoughts but I wasn't sure what to do about it.

One of the things she suggested was to write about it. Because you can't just be angry. You need to process it somehow or it eats you up inside.

I was thinking about writing out my anger last night but decided not too.

Silly move!

Today I have:
-Yelled at God about 15 times
-Deliberately knocked over a table at work in anger because a screw came loose as i was setting it up and it made me made.
-Burst into angry tears because a friend asked me to do something I didn't want to do.
-Snaped at that same friend on the phone later because she was at a different end of the train station that I was meeting her at and I had to walk 2 minutes to find her.
-Been deliberately standoffish with a work collegue because he has mannerish that annoy me.
-Gave lots of dirty looks to random strangers.

I feel so embarrassed. I know that anger is normal when you've been through a terrible thing but no one deserved my anger (except perhaps the table!). But the amazing thing about it is that God can handle my anger. Even though he is the least deserving of all. He listens and he cares.

So tomorrow morning I am sitting down and I am expressing my anger in writing, and praying that God would help me to deal with it and perhaps even take it away.

And it's not just for the sake of myself, or Earl, or my friends, collegues, or the furniture or even God. Thumper's little life is not honoured in my anger. And I want him honoured
love LG