"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Life is better when your going on holidays..

Thanks so much for your lovely words and support.

Feeling but better.  Because life is better when you are about to go on holidays.

Won't be blogging for a week and a bit.  I'm off to relax with my husband and then head up to Sydney to see old friends.  And chances are some point while I'm away will be day one of my next cycle.  And I'm even little bit excited about that.

Holidays :)


Friday, August 24, 2012

The Weariness of long term IF

When I think of this road, there are various points where certain emotions are at the forefront.  At the moment alot of the emotions that have characterised the journey have moved to the back.  Jealousy is there, but it is momentary, generally other people's experiences of pregnancy and children seem so far removed from mine that I don't find myself comparing all the time.  I cry, and I feel overwhelmed, but in a different way than I used to.

I just feel weary.

I can look back through my blog, and see the Lady Grey who used to be.  The Lady Grey who really believed that things would happen.  The Lady Grey that believed her doctors when they told her "You haven't been trying very long, your so young, you make such a great embryos".

But long, grueling crappy IF has killed that women.

Now I am weary.

When I think of life, when I hear of others good news, when I stare at the blog bar on the side of my blog and realise just how many people have babies when I do not.  I don't feel jealous.  I just feel tired.  Bone crushing tiredness.  That defeated-ness that makes me want to sleep forever.

On Monday I had a cry because Earl's jet setting, party animal cousins are now pregnant.  I was really upset.  But when I think of it now I just feel tired.  So tired.

Is this the story of the rest of my life?
Now off to dinner.  With a pregnant couple.

Monday, August 20, 2012

How to transfer 11 embryos?

That was the question we puzzled out with the doctor.

His concern was that he didn't really want us to have 11 transfers.  After everything we've been through, with our history, and with so many day 2 embryos, he just thinks there are better ways.

This is the plan:

Start me on a natural/slight stimulation cycle.  Depending on how things go, I can either be triggered or wait until I trigger naturally.

Then two of the 2 day embryos will be defrosted.  If all goes well they will be thawed out and grown to blastocyst stage.  If one or both doesn't make it to blastocyst stage, one of the frozen blastocysts will be defrosted and transfered.  Either way we are looking very likely for a twin transfer.

This way we will have maximum of six transfers.  Of course what I am praying for is that our first lot of day 2ers have the get up and go to make it through to baby stage.  But I realise that is a long shot.

I'm glad to have a plan.  Now I just need to wait for AF to join the party.  I'm day 22 today, though doc said it was likely to be a longer cycle with its dramatic ( :"( ) beginnings.

Today my Dad drove me home from the appointment and we talked about plans.  It was good to hear him be so positive about embryo adoption as our backup plan, but it was a strangely painful reminder of why the doctor wants to get the transfers out of the way.

Because we might get none from eleven.

I am praying so hard for eleven from eleven.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Don't waste a day

At the moment I'm in waiting mode. It feels like life is on hold.

And it does feel like I just want time to slip by as quickly as it can.

But yesterday as I caught up with friends, I was reminded that this was wrong.

My friends were driving, with there three older kids at home and their one month old in the back, when a car rammed into their side. The car rolled twice, and they had to be cut out. They miraculously came away with only minor injuries, but as I sat in hospital speaking to them, there amazingly unhurt little boy in my arms, I thought, make every minute count. You just don't know when you or the one you love will be taken away.

Dont waste a day.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

The post I didn't want to write

You know I've been totally procrastinating blogging.

Not just that I haven't had time, though life has been busy.  But I've sat on the computer and I've had the time.  I just haven't wanted to write.  I've almost wanted to just push IF out of my head, because to be honest while I haven't been that upset, there's been depression looming around the edges.

It's been a weird week.

Obviously we are in a strange place, dealing with a bfn, but also dealing with the thought of 11 more transfers (or I guess 6 if we transfer more than one at a time).  The first week after was weird, because I was grieving but I was also excited about all the little embryos that just might make it.  Now this week, I'm not exactly grieving, but not feeling hopeful either.

It's also been a weird time in this blogging world, because lots of exciting, happy things are happening on the blogs I've followed.  Which is so exciting!  I am so thrilled about "Sometime's" (sorry, I don't know what else to call you ;) ) BFP, and Jesica's little Jett, and the fact that through all the heart-ache of divorce cgd has ended up with the amazing opportunity to adopt some embryos.  I am so excited to hear this.

But it's also sometimes a tricky thing as a long term infertile because once again I need to go a searching again to have more blogs to read of people who are in my position.  This is the second time I've had to do this, after watching those who blogs I followed when I first started blogging, almost all have babies.  It's not that I'm not happy for people it's just...this has been a very long road and I am so tired.

And there's just hard things.  Lunch today with friends who are unexpectedly pregnant, lots of babies coming, recovering from July which is always emotionally overwhelming.  And the real possibility that despite 11 embryos we still might not have a pregnancy.

So the reason I didn't want to write this post is that all this pain is bubbling to the surface, and now I'm crying.

But there are two bits of good news, which are helping me hold it all together.

The first is that Earl and I are going to have a holiday soon and I am so incredibly thrilled by the idea.  It's not that we are going to be traveling far or for long, but just a break together is the most delicious thing.

The second bit of good news is that Earl informed me that Big Sister-In_law told him that Little Sister-in-law told Big Brother-In-Law that they were not planning to have kids for another 2 to 3 years.  Which doesn't necessarily mean it won't happen (my life seems cruelly filled with "surprise" pregnancies at present), but it does feel like I can stop panicking about them announcing any minute that they are pregnant.  And as much as I would love their kids, I'm glad that I'm not going into 12 months of transfers with a potentially painful family pregnancy in the mix.

So this is my thought.  I think it's my turn.  My turn for a baby, my turn for a bfp, my turn for a miracle.  Next month.
What do you think?