"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Monday, August 29, 2011

Strong women

It really hit me today.

Last week I was pregnant.

Last week i was avoiding Caffeine, and meanly leaving all the playgroup lifting and moving to people who weren't pregnant, hoping they weren't thinking I was just being lazy. Last week I was a little bit hopeful and a little bit happy.

This week I'm just my normal barren self again.

And once again I'm reminded I need to remember what I am going through, and give myself a break. When this same thing happened last time it took me months to recover. And this time I had big social and family commitments, as well as the emotional roller-coaster of my sister-in-laws pregnancy to deal with.

I'm so scared of the future. The future to me seems this big black hole of horrible pain. There are so many things I am NOT looking forward to. Most forefront of my mind is the anniversary of Thumpers death. The idea of facing that without a baby in my stomach just makes me shiver and shake.

But despite all this, I am a strong women. I struggle away but I am going through things that are really hard. I am a strong women.

And so are you. So are so many of you my dear readers. You have coped with pregnancies and baby showers and anniversaries and birthdays you dreaded. You have coped with BFNs, AFs and 2ww, and other terrible Infertility acronyms! You have held yourselves together at times and you have fallen apart, but you have been through one of the hardest roads a women has to face, and like me you might even still be on it. But you are doing your best to hope and trust and I admire you so much for that.

Of course, we would all rather have a baby than be strong. But even so, its something we need to celebrate once in a while.

I am a strong women.
And so are you.
love Lady Grey

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Only just survived...and a request

Well, the wedding was lovely, and the family dinner to celebrate my sister-in-laws birthday was also pretty good. We arrived late, so we missed most of the baby talk. But I cried all the way home. It's just so very hard.

But I made it through the wedding without crying or falling apart. And Earl coped by deciding that his best mate deserved an awesome wedding day and that he would put his pain and hurt aside and make the wedding about the groom. He is such a special, strong man (Earl I mean, though the Groom is great too). And I think I've discovered a pretty neat trick for coping with my sister-in-laws pregnancy. As I've said previously, I find pregnancies hard, but babies I can handle. So knitting something for my nephew has been wonderfully therapeutic because it makes me think of him as an actual baby, and not as the little bump that is starting to emerge. It's still really hard, but when I have the knitting in my hand, I just feel so much better.

And here is my request.

I feel funny asking this, but I was wondering if everyone who reads this, followers, lurkers, or anyone who just happens on this post, who is a prayer, to pray for me. You see one of the things I am finding so hard at the moment is that my prayers for a baby, my thousands and thousands and thousands of prayers for a baby over the last 5 years have not been answered. And it feels like my prayers don't work.

I know it doesn't really work like that, I know that God loves me and listens and that it is only in my head that I am somehow curst in the prayer department.

But it would be such a comfort to know that there were people, other than me and Earl, who were praying for this next cycle. And as we don't have large numbers of people 'in the non-virtual world' who know about the upcoming cycle- I really would appreciate my IF sisters to be praying. I know many of you pray anyway for me (and I appreciate it so much) but if you could make a special effort in the coming months to remember us regularly in your prayers? I know everyone has a hard road but our road is feeling extra hard at present and it would be such a comfort to know that there were people out there petitioning our heavenly Father on our behalf, that he would finally give us life and not death?

Thanks so much for your encouragement and words. They help so much.
love Lady Grey

Thursday, August 25, 2011


Today was a BFN. So it is all over, just as I thought it might be. I'm pretty sad about it, but i did my falling apart morning yesterday so this morning I'm not going to badly-considering. But I miss my baby so much. I don't know why it has to be so hard. It seems like so many people everywhere are so blessed and my road just gets harder and harder. IT JUST SUCKS!!!!

Earl is taking it really hard. Please pray for us.

So, it begins again. Stim cycle.

Two good positives though.

It seems to me that our embryo wasn't particularly strong, but it still attached. Perhaps it was the accupuncture? And the first embryo from our last stim cycle was Thumper. So maybe accupuncture plus stronger embryo might actually equal baby? That is what I'm praying.

And the other thing is that I was talking to my counsellor and she said at the clinic staff meeting coming up, she's make sure me and my case are on the list to talk about, so that all the clinic doctors can look through my files and perhaps think of some things to tweak to maybe get it right this time.

This weekend is going to be so hard :'(
Where is my baby God?

Wednesday, August 24, 2011


Am now getting some pretty heavy bleeding.

So very very very sad.

Seriously, why is my road like this. So very, very hard.

I don't get it.


I feeling so lost.

Been feeling like vomiting but had the tiniest bit of spotting. Freaking out about the results later today. And I have so much to do today, so much pretending to be happy and perfectly fine, as if my world is not potentially about to be smashed.

Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to get through this day.

And whatever happens, tonight is a bucks party Earl is organising, followed by a wedding where he is the best man, followed by birthday celebrations with his sister which will, rightly, be all about the good news of our nephew, and very baby centric. Where we will have to hold it together and not just be okay but happy.


I asked the nurse who took my bloods, "what shall we aim for?". She smiled and said, "Let's go for 500, why not?".

So that's my aim. 500 beta.

She always manages to make me smile even on days like this.
Small mercies.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Good news on the Nephew Front!

Feeling a little stunned.

My Sister-in-law called me today to tell me that their follow-up scan was completely normal, no abnormality and no spina-bifida. It is the most amazing incredible miracle. We were praying for this but we still didn't quite imagine that it would happen.

And it's her birthday :) I was wondering what to say since I thought it would be insensitive to say Happy Birthday, but it turns out that it is the happiest day you can imagine.

And I have started a little beanie for her precious little one.

But there is a very little sad, quiet part of me that I don't like to admit that is there which is saying...where is my miracle?

Hopefully it's on Thursday.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Some more thoughts on the SSP and next steps

I have now had nearly had 24 hours to process my SSP.

IT is still really hard to know how to think.

In many ways, I feel exactly as I did before the beta. There is a chance that I will have a baby, there is a chance we will not. There is no finality or answers. It is just a continuation of the unknown.

But at the same time it is also very different, because of what it might mean.

The weird cramps and the unusual amount of bloating has a reason behind it. And whatever happens, we have another implantation. My evil killer Uterus has done the right thing once again. Is it the accupunction? It is the weight loss? I don't know what caused it but something has worked.

This little one was always a slight increased risk of a biochemical pregnancy, because the "baby" bit of the embryo was quite a bit smaller than I've seen in previous embryos. But maybe there is a baby still there and growing, it just needs to catch up a bit?

I don't know.

Praying like crazy. Have to wait until Thursday for my next beta, to see if it doubles or increases to the rates they expect.

But I'm still bloated and still haven't bleed, which is much more than I can say from the last time this happened.

Really praying this baby makes it,

Sunday, August 21, 2011


I'm making up a new word.

A Small Skinny Positive.

That is what I got.

The beta was 37, when a BFP would be over 100. As the nurse said, it's a mixed result. It's not a good result, but people do occasionally go on to have pregnancies after such low results.

So I really don't know how to think. This has happened before, we had a 20 beta last year. It doubled as it should for a while, but then died out.

I'm not sad, I'm not devastated.

But I'm not happy either. It's all just weird and strange. I really want this baby to survive.
Please pray,

Results in 5 and a half hours

Beta day.

I really don't know what to think. I haven't had any bleeding this time, which has only happened twice (once with Thumper, and my first frozen natural cycle which was still a BFN). I am getting cramps, but they are weird pelvic ones, which my acupuncturist recons could be a reaction to progesterone. But I don't know. I am definitely quite bloated, I am more pimply than normal, but these are all period signs as well as pregnancy signs. Grrrrr....

I don't want to get excited, because with no more little embies from Thumpers batch this will hit harder than it normally does (which is still hard). But its difficult not to hope when with no bleeding I at least feel like it's a chance.

We've talked more with the family about my nephew. The information seems to be from the doctors that it is unlikely he will survive the womb, though there is a chance. They have a scan this week to find out more. Every one's pretty sad. We are with them next weekend, which will be an important family time.

Five and a half hours to go.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Life is hard

Life is hard.

My Nephew is alive, but if he survives the womb he is almost garenteed to be highly disabled. Please pray for my family, and particularly my sister and brother in law. This is a huge, hard deal. And pray for our little nephew. We love him so much, we want to meet him and love him. We realise that being an Auntie and Uncle to a disabled child is a whole different thing to being a parent who cares for them every day and we ache for the hard road that our dear family is facing.

It is so strange that all this is happening in the lead up to a beta. I don't know how to think about it. In some ways the beta is dwarfed by the hugeness of this news. But in other ways the beta seems like a chance for joy and hope in a horrible time. And of course, nothing can take away or distract from the fact that we love this baby and we want it to stay.

Two days to go.
love Lady Grey

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Please Please Pray

I just got a text from my sister-in-law saying that her baby is not doing well. She had her 12 week scan yesterday. Please pray for her, for her husband, and for our precious neice and nephew. We will know more when we talk to her tonight, but I feel so lost. As much as I struggled with jealousy I never, never, never wanted this!

Please pray that God spares the precious baby's life.
love Lady Grey

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I don't want another Stim cycle

Getting to the nervy part of the 2 week wait, where you over analyse every queasy feeling and every cramp. Where every trip to the toilet is a nightmare because you are so scared of tell-tale blood. Where you want so much to have a baby inside you, where you feel so attached and yet you just don't know if you are attached to someone who is already gone.

One thing that I am really conscious of this time is that we are on our last embie. Which is sad because I was so sure that one of Thumper's little buddies would have stayed. It's scary, scary that despite a pregnancy it still seems so hard for me to get pregnant.

And I don't want to do another cycle. As I wince with pain over my Clexane needle I think- I DON"T WANT TO DO ANOTHER STIM CYCLE! I don't want three different needles to poke into me. I don't want the fear before-hand. I don't want the bloated belly. I am happy to do anything to have a baby but one reason I want this to work (lowest on the list of course but it still makes it) is because I just want to be pregnant and to not have to do IVF anymore.

It's been so long. It's just been so long and so hard and I want it to end. I'm not ready to stop trying. But I just want a baby.


Sunday, August 14, 2011

The fun of meds and travel

Earl and I are about to go to a conference this afternoon.

Earl, I, and my meds.

It's such a frustrating scenario. I have the iceblock in the fridge, which will be useful to get the meds to the conference site. Then I will have to talk to staff there about the possibility of using a fridge to put my medicine in. This is a conference where I don't really know people and where I really don't want people knowing I'm in the middle of an IVF cycle. Not only that, but I have to access my meds at 11pm- which might be an issue if the rooms which contain the fridge are closed up by that time.

I'm sure it will be fine. It's been fine in the past. I've flown on planes with medication. I've stayed with relatives with medication. I've been on conferences with medication.

But it is a stress and a hassle that I don't need right now.

"Why don't they stay? Why don't our embryos stick? What can we do to make them stick? What is the problem? What made Thumper stick?" These were the questions Earl was asking me last night. I had to ask him to stop. Because all these questions bring up all the insecurities about the fact that my womb is incomplete and that I feel like a baby killer. Good embryos go in, nothing comes out.

Earl doesn't think that. He just doesn't understand how it all work, and how it all doesn't work.

But I don't want to think about that. I want to think that there is a baby in my belly. A baby who is not dead. A baby who is attaching and growing. A baby that will make itself known in almost exactly a weeks time.
Please, please, please! Amen

Friday, August 12, 2011

A proud Moment

Ever since I found out Earl sister is having a baby, I've been feeling better and better about it, and more and more excited. I know part of it is that we are two week waiting and I have all these romantic dreams of being pregnant with her and our kids being the best of friends ;P

But there is still a lot of hardness wrapped up inside it, for all that. 5 days after the beta I will be seeing her and celebrating her birthday. I'm preparing myself that this will be a hard time.

I've left messages on her phone, we've facebook messaged each other, and I'm hoping to call her today. Partly just to find out details- Earl was so shocked when she called he didn't ask. They haven't told 'the public' yet, so I'm assuming it's still pre-12 weeks.

And though I'm excited about moving back home, and very happy that I will be living near by when my niece/nephew is born, I'm not looking forward to the many months of pregnant belly watching that will be ahead of me. So funny, belly's are so hard, though babies are so cute and lovely, I can cope with them.

Anyway, onto my proud moment.

CS Lewis (I think) says that the best way to grow in love when you are struggling to love someone is to show love. So when you know you should love someone but your angry or jealous instead, do something nice for them and you will feel happy about them. This has been my philosophy for many years. It became a joke in our first year of marriage, because I would bring my husband a bowl of ice-cream for no reason and he would say "What have I done this time?"

So I've been thinking of ways I can care for my sister-in-law, partly because I love her and my niece/nephew and I want to keep the relationship good, and partly because I know it will help me to deal with the next 7-8 months better if I can feel love towards her.

Some things I am thinking of doing is maybe knitting something for her baby, maybe throwing her a baby shower (I don't know if that is just too hard). But I want to buy someone for them for their baby.

I went to a baby kingdom shop two weeks ago. I was in their for about 30 seconds, but then I had to leave there crying. It was just too hard. It had been so long and having a baby still felt so far away. It seems so wrong, so wrong that we had been trying before she and her husband got engaged, and here she was with her baby on the way and my arms were still empty. So hard that Thumper could have been with me that day, in my arms!

Yesterday, I was going past that same shop.

I took a deep breath, and tried again.

I managed to walk through the whole shop. I even picked up a few items and was shocked at how expensive baby things are! I didn't find anything to get them, but I walked about of the shop with a tear free face.

I felt proud.

And my love for my niece/nephew and their mother grew that little bit stronger.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Infertility and my lack of brain

First thing- transfer happened. Our precious little embryo is on the inside :) Please continue to pray for it.

As the embryo went in, the doctor smiled at me and said, "I think it's time for you to have some luck. I think it really is your turn." The nurse and embryologist concurred.

I smiled. I really appreciate the real love and genuine concern I get at my clinic. They all know my story, even just from browsing my chart. They all want this one to be the one who stays.

The funny thing is, I am not supposed to believe in luck. I am someone who believes that God is in control, and therefore luck and superstitions are not suppose to play apart.

That is what my brain says.

But Infertility means that sometimes the brain doesn't come into it.

The sad thing about my transfer was that because Earl was so sick, the doctor thought it best that he didn't bring his germs into theatre. So he didn't get to see our embryo, he didn't get to sit by and hold my hand, and it was sad for both of us. But he said to me afterwards "This is different. Different is good. Maybe it's a sign".

Signs! They are everywhere. The sky on the day of transfer. The birth,death, birthday, anniversary of someone around transfer time. The things people say. The things I eat the next day. Everything, everything I read as if it might have something to say about the result in 2 weeks time. And i obsess about my time with Thumper- wishing I could make careful notes of that two weeks last year so I can copy exactly and get a BFP (and of course do everything differently once I have it so the baby lives).

It's so silly.

But that's what happens. I had a green tea today. Did I have a green tea with thumper? Did I have a green tea in any failed cycles. Is Green tea the deciding factor that means that this embryo will stick?

Of course my brain tells me that this is silly, my hormones, the strength of our little one, and ultimately God are much more deciding factors than weather or Earl's sickness. But I long and hope so much, it absorbs me and I think "sign, sign, sign".

I search for hope where it isn't, just because I need it to survive this little while.

Oh how I long for this baby. It's so overwhelming. Please, please, please!
Lady Grey

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Transfer Day- never as predicted

I have this dream that one day I will have a lovely relaxing refreshing transfer day.


Though last one I was super stressed about work, and so this is a huge improvement- but Earl has developed a cold and he always turns into a two year old little boy when he's sick. So I was woken up by his groaning and coughing, and of course on transfer day I couldn't get back to sleep. And I've had a few night time trips out of bed to fill his hot water bottle and to get him things :}

I'm just hoping he makes it out of bed to see our little ones go in! (which of course he will).

And then, for various reasons, it's off first to accupuncture, then to work, where I will be into the evening.

Not feeling as confident today. Lay in bed and stared at thumpers ultra sound admist the coughing, praying and thinking: "Is this going to happen?". I realised that there is so much fear, not just of negative beta's but also of a misscarriage. What if I am one of those people who only ever miscarries?

But for all that, I have hope.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Transfer date set

Wednesday is the day!

I feel a little bit like I am moving from inside a dark tunnel into the sun. I know that this one might not work, and therefore there will be sadness again- but I am feeling like the trough that has been brought on by Thumper's due date has ebbed back to some normality. But who knows.

One interesting thing is that I am feeling incredibly healthy and energetic. At first I thought it was because I had been sick, so anything normal felt good in contrast. But I feel FANTASTIC. I thought maybe it was because I had lost some weight and was back down to a good healthy weight. Or maybe the slightly healthier eating?

But Earl's theory is it's the accupuncture, which hadn't occured to me.

Whatever it is, I am in a good place for this transfer.

It's so scary and so exciting.

Please, please, please Father- let this little one stay!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Quick update

Been a bad commenter and a bad blogger this week. Just been very full on, out or having people over every night, as well as been busy getting things ready for a work event which is on today. Looking forward to that being over.

The week has been made extra busy by every morning having an early blood test. Really hanging out for a sleep-in right about now!

But the good news is that we are looking on track for a transfer next week. Which is wonderful, because if I had ovulated Monday or Tuesday we would have had another month to wait.

Feeling strangely hopeful. Only things different about this time and the last two is that I'm doing acupuncture and my weight is a bit steadier. But if that helps me stay positive through the stress of the next few weeks well then I'll take it.

Hope to have some more time tomorrow to comment and the like.