"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Thursday, February 28, 2013

25 weeks and one more good scan

There is a certain satisfaction I get from my pregnancy ticker.  Each time I flick over a week I end up looking at the ticker and smiling. 25!

The night before the scan, I had a nightmare that we lost Dancer. It was ridiculous otherwise (Earl's chemist uncle did the scan and our whole church was in the waiting room, but the feeling when I woke up made me sick. My anxiety levels get pretty high, after a scan they are better but then the scans approach again. Generally these last two weeks I've been an emotional mess. I'm seeing a mental health nurse on Monday to help.

But the scan was indeed good. We now measure in percentile s and Dancer is 20th percentile and tracking well (growing exactly as you'd expect a baby to grow in two weeks). BH is 60th.  They are now in what the tech describes as a ying and yang position, dancer head down and BH head up.

Up to: 25 weeks today!

Weight: not sure, but I've been putting on a little over a kilo between my two weekly visit and that is perfect!

Movement: Dancer is getting harder with his kicks. Feeling less anxious about kicks which is good though it is post scan so ask me in a week.

Gender: getting more and more excited about boys. Earl's cousin is in labour with a boy as we speak, and I'm hoping she doesn't steal our names! Though our third favourite name we came up with today is pretty cute so I am caring less than I did yesterday.

GD: for the first time this pregnancy, actually feeling good. No hypos this week and any high readings are small. Doc warned me today though that placentas take off size wise at 28 weeks so need to prepare for that!

Emotions: As I said, anxiety through the roof. Partly it's my inability to prepare for change, even awesome change. Earl is busy with work and stressed, which doesn't help.

Shopping: putting off until after the baby shower! Speaking of which, I keep forgetting to invite people. Ops!

Bump: belly button is getting strained!

All I can think of for now. So relieved our babies are doing so well. Even starting to process the idea they might be several months away. Happy for them to keep cooking.

Feeling sad because politics is rearing it's ugly head, in the IF world, and in my work place. I try to avoid all I can, but it's hard. I like supporting and helping everyone, and want people to assume the best of each other. Doesn't always happen sadly.

But my boys are growing and kicking. And given the last six years, I would take that with politics any old day!

Saturday, February 23, 2013

24 weeks!

I always thought it rather strange when people celebrated viability. Now it makes perfect sense. Now every day is a day that makes my buba's stronger for the outside world!

How far : 24 weeks, 2 days

Weight: last week I wrote weight, planned to fill it in, and never got around to weighing myself :) this week I am 77.3 kg which I am thrilled about. Somewhere I read that 10 kgs at 24 week is the best guide line for avoiding pre term labour and I've reached that just. It could be hog wash, but it was good to have a small goal to reach!

Belly: big and still cute. The weird thing is now I can feel weird ridges and bumps sometimes, where I assume a head or a butt is resting.

Movement: BH is a strong boy! The kicks are really overwhelming. Earl has now felt his first kick. The silly thing is that now I stress that dancers kicks are too light. Basically I am worrying all the time, depending on who is kicking more. I know this is not helpful, but I don't know how to stop, given kicking is the only indicator I have.  But one highlight was Dancer putting pressure on my belly, so it felt like a kick but was constant. I put my hand there and it felt like I was giving him a cuddle.

Cravings: Greek yoghurt is my chocolate. I go through at least three 500g tubs a week.

Emotions: a bit all over the place. I wish I could relax in this pregnancy but I don't know if that's possible.

What I miss: I don't normally do this, because what I have is so great, but I miss holding my nephew. He is just too big and heavy for a pregnant lady to hold (and over protective sister in law won't allow it anyway!). We "talk" and I will sometimes hold his hand when he cruises, and he still adores me, but I do miss our cuddles.

GD: much better with meal specific insulin. Funny thing, yesterday I got the highest reading I'd ever had and panicked. I was a little early so I waited ten minutes and then tried again. Even higher! I knew that didn't make sense, so I tried working out what was wrong. I suddenly realised I'd eaten an orange and not washed my hands. The juice had given me the high reading! I tested after cleaning my hands and it was still high, but much less alarming!  Good lesson for next time.

Well, scan is on Wednesday, and I am scared. I've worked out if the twins go to 38 weeks I will have 6 more scans to get through. That is a lot of stressful lead ups. Of course, I want each and ever scan to happen and my beautiful bubs to make it as far as they can.  But I wish I could go back to my pre-drama confidence. Not for my sake but for the bubs, I don't think a stressed out mama is the best incubator.  Praying we get good indicators that Dancer has grown even more.  And also praying he starts kicking hard like his big brother!


Sunday, February 17, 2013

Post IF baby shower thoughts

One of the things I'm starting to get excited about now that Dancer is doing better is my baby shower.

It's strange for me to think about though, because I've had such a mixed experience with them.

The church we used to attend had many young families, so there were always lots of baby showers to face. I missed most of them, sometimes because I was busy, other times because I just didn't feel up to facing them. Depending on the shower, I sometimes coped and sometimes didn't.

The hardest were last year, with my sister in law and BFF. Sister in laws I didn't organise. But it was at my parents in laws house, where I had pictured my baby shower when I was pregnant with Thumper. So even though I had made the cake and gone crazy helping, the day was pretty tough.

BFFs I organised, and that made it easier, because I was busy and I knew what was happening. No surprises, I thought. But a friend announced in front of me that a mutual friend was expecting, and I actually had to leave the room and cry.

I know many people after IF don't have baby showers, because they are afraid, or because they have such painful memories. But I always knew I wanted one. Partly because I was sad I didn't have a thirtieth (after nearly 4years of IF it was too hard to think about), and I'd love to have a party with friends. Partly because I knew we would need stuff and friends would enjoy giving it.  And finally because I knew when we got pregnant, that would be worth celebrating.

So baby shower is on in nearly a month! It is being run by my Mum, sister, BFF, and two sisters in law. Between them I think it will be wonderful. The theme is Noah's ark :) My tiny concern is after thinking about it for so long, I don't want to do what I typically do with these kind of events, build it up in my head so it's doesn't live up to my expectations.

I can't believe I'm here, talking about a baby shower that's mine.  There has been such a long journey and so many stresses in this pregnancy. But as I write, I feel Dancer wiggling away, while BH occasionally jabs my belly button and I have every reason to accept that I'm here. Amazing...

Friday, February 15, 2013

Doctors appointment and 23 weeks

We met with the doctor yesterday. It was a good meeting. Despite the fact that the ultra sound expert was happy, I was still nervous because I had been so burnt two weeks before.

I like our doctor, and I'm liking him more and more. He was in theatre in the morning so didn't get to see our chart and so asked "ultra sound?" We grinned and said, it was good, Dr S was very happy. he laughed, and knowing Earl was a Pastor said, "wow, I think I need to join your church!" Even he though it was a crazy answer to prayer!

He even told us he'd been thinking of us that week. Maybe in a small private firm that would be expected but in a big public maternity hospital, that is special.

He said what I suspected him to. Dancers growth was a super sign. Ideally he would catch up, but being 12 days behind that was nearly impossible.  He still talked through worst case scenarios of having to make a call to deliver early, but that was a possible complication rather than a likely outcome.

We are still having fortnightly scans, but I am glad, because it means we will know if Dancer is struggling.

I feel very confident of taking two babies home! Praise God!

Now 23 weeks :)

How far along: 23 weeks and one day. Just one week to viability, though with Dancers size it is probably longer for him.


Belly:I love it. It is at a really cute stage. I am embarrassed how often I stand in front of the mirror. But it is a concrete sign that this is really happening and that is overwhelmingly wonderful. I am pregnant. Crazy town

Sleep:Just getting hard, but maybe due to the hot weather rather than pregnancy.

GD: Drama, drama! High readings and hypos cluttered together. The hospital Endo has changed my insulin to a pre meal dose which should suit better.  So it's back to shooting up in toilet cubicals for me! I'm also going to have to see the Endo regularly. Man high risk pregnancy keeps you busy!

Energy:dropped dramatically this week. Now can only really work a half day and evenings out are trickier. House work is the biggest problem. Suspect Earl and I will have to come to an arrangement. Ie he does more!

Movement: still there, now even BH is a regular participant. Dancer seems to enjoy wacking  me in the ribs, which is quite painful!

How I'm feeling: both deliriously happy and nervous. So hard to imagine how I will take care of two
boys! I am happy to but scared if I can manage.

Well that is 23 weeks. What a roller coaster!
Thanks for all your kind words.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

A Great Scan!

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful news :)

It was funny, as we headed in, despite everything I was feeling good.  Then, as my name was called it was the horrible lady from two weeks ago.  And not only did she not remember us, but she hadn't even looked at our charts to find out why we were there.  I was actually a bit rude I suspect, telling her that unlike last time we wanted to talk to the doctor so we knew what was happening and didn't have to wait two days.

As the scan continued, we could tell pretty much straight away that there was some improvement.  Every measure we could see had Dancer at over 21 weeks.  The lady was still cagey "I can't tell you anything until we have the overall picture".  In the end she said that Dancer was 20 percent lighter than BH.  We didn't know if that was good or bad compared to last time.

She went off to talk to the doctor and said the doctor would come back and see us.  Then began the longest 8 minutes.  Earl really wanted to look at Dancers stats, and kept going over to press buttons on the machine to find it.  I was really against this (worrying about destroying the info or breaking the machine) so we had a fight.  I think we both just deal with stress in different ways.  Earl was very "They are my children, I need to know now".  I was just so aware that it wouldn't take long until we knew and I just wanted to wait.

Then the doctor came in.  And she was lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely.

She said that Dancer had gone from 12 days behind to 8 days-   which was very good!  She revised the other tech's reading to say dancer weighs 14 percent less than BH.  She said all the other signs (aminotic fluid, bladder, umbilical dopler) suggested that he was getting the nutrients he needs.  She said that it was heaps better than last scan, and that "there is every reason to assume you will come home with two babies'

Music to our ears.

And part of what was lovely about the Doctor was she kept telling us how cute our babies were and you could see that she really loved babies and loved her job and cared about us.  All things the other tech lacked.

So very, very good.

I am floating on air.  I know this isn't the end of the drama, we are having twins and one is a bit little.  We will continue with fortnightly scans.  But everything we have prayed for has happened and we are just so very, very grateful.

Thanks for your support :)

The scan is approaching

I almost wish I was more scared.

It feels like it will be harder to take bad news.

But dancer moves more and more each day and I can't help seeing that as a good sign.

I couldn't sleep for ages last night worrying about today's scans, but after waking up this morning I feel calmer than I have for days.

I had two dreams, both with perfectly healthy babies in the scans. Granted, one scan had Ellen Degeneres as the u/s tech, but I think it reflected the positivity I feel :)

I've said this before, but sometimes it's good to just feel what you feel and stop analysing.

Three hours til our scan.


Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Nearly 22 weeks

It's been a strange time. As I said previously, we have been hopeful, to the point where when I think about Dancer not making it, I can't cope. I know it will be overwhelming once we get close to Wednesdays scan.

This will be a very ramble-y post, probably best reflecting the past week.

Sleep is still pretty great, though dreams and rolling over are beginning to interfere. I sleep with a pillow under my bump most nights.  I dreamed on Tuesday about zombies. I think from now on Earl can watch the walking dead by himself!

The boys are moving, and when alone I've taken to talking back. Usually just "hello BH, mummy loves you". Dancer moved heaps during choir, I wonder if he's musical. Probably goes with out saying, but it is such a comfort that my tiny baby moves so much.

I've been a bit funny about exercising but Earls convinced me to keep walking.  Having GD under control and keeping healthy as long as I'm allowed has to be good for the boys. Though I'm a bit worried about my weight. I don't think I'm putting on enough. Our scales are in precise which doesn't help.

I am SO excited we are having boys. Before I was processing, now I'm fully on board. It's weird because we have our names, but because our eldest son must get his Father's middle name (family tradition), and that middle name goes so well with one of our boys names, until they come out we can't assign names.  But occasionally I say their names when I'm addressing them together and my heart melts. Oh my darling Dancer, keep fighting.

My parents have already decided on the boys room when they stay. I took the boys to show them, told them how much fun they will have at Grandma and Grandpas house.

GD has been interesting. They dropped my insulin e after a few low readings. They hypothesised that because Dancers placenta might not be working well, my insulin needs are decreasing. Well, after dropping down my insulin, my readings are back to high levels again. Every high level is a worry, but it also makes me hopeful that dancers placenta is doing its job.

Earl and I have talked so much about dancer. We are working on, and clinging to the fact that with our doctors 30-50% chance of survival then he is more likely to live than die. We talked about Earl's cousins wedding. Her husband had childhood leukaemia and was given a ten percent chance to live. His Dad said this at the wedding, then with tears in his eyes said "and here I am at his wedding!". We believe in hope and miracles, and are praying that at Dancer's wedding we can say the same thing.

Keep us in your prayers,

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Working hard to hope

I don't know exactly when it happened. For Earl it was sometime on Saturday. All I know is he saw my belly, bigger than the day before and said, in a giggly, happy voice that I had not heard since we saw the doctor "that's because our little dancer is growing".

For me it was sometime on Sunday.

I spent Sunday morning reading blogs of people who had to deliver babies early.

And as I read them I realised I believed dancer was going to make it, even if he was a little prem.

Nothing has happened, with the exception of dancer continuing to party in my belly. But for some reason, maybe only as a way to cope, Earl and I have decided he will live.

We are not telling people everything. When people ask we say "one of the babies is a bit small, so we'll have to watch that".  That too helps with our mood, as we down play it to others it doesn't seem so dire.

The hardest thing is knowing what to do.

The baby forums almost all say "your doctors will say that bed rest and protein supplements won't help, but it saved my baby"

I trust my doctor, and I'm not going to do either. But I will rest more, and I am adding an egg every day to my diet, because it won't hurt and it may help!

I will also try calling a midwife today to find out if I should be pulling back on walking.

Thanks for all your support. I am so grateful for prayers and hope that is coming my way, and for all your love for my boys.  I know it is your hopefulness that is making my own possible.

Yesterday I went through our baby clothes. They are either Uni-sex or my nephews, so they are perfect for the boys. I held them up to my stomach and I smiled. Now that I think of it, I lied at the start of the post. I do know when hope resurfaced. It was then.


Friday, February 1, 2013

The hardest two week wait of my life

Two week waits. We are all familiar with them. It's the world that the If person revolves around. We wait to see if this month is the month it happens. Wait and see if that embryo has attached. So much horrible, heart wrenching waiting.

Now, unexpectedly, the wait begins again.

In two weeks time (well, a little less, Wednesday week), the best radio gist/obstetrician in my hospital will be looking at Dancer to see if he's grown.

Worst case: he dies. But doc thinks with such strong vitals now it is unlikely it will happen so soon.

Second worst: he drops further behind

next: he grows by the two weeks

best: he begins to catch up

How do you face that kind of wait? And even if the best happens, he isn't out of the woods.

But you can't put life on hold. Particularly as we don't necessarily want the world knowing things when we ourselves know so little.

Yesterday Mum and I went to Ikea to buy things for our house. Not baby things, just things to create more space. I told her "lets pretend things are fine" and so we went gaga over bunk beds and high chairs that stack. Life goes on. Because you can't put off life for 10 to 18 weeks of waiting.

But I wish I could.

I wish I could just go to bed and wake up with my babies in my arms.

Fight little Dancer. Please fight!