"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I want to be happy

I want to be happy.

I want to be happy so badly.

Yesterday I managed it. I caught up with a good friend who has just started "seeing" another good friend. I love them both, and I love the excitement of new and exciting relationships. I was happy.

But as I said to my husband this morning as I lay depressed on my bed- there is only so much happiness you can drain from other people's exciting lives.

I'm so low.

The next cycle starts tonight. My period pain is dull and horrid.

I have no hope. No hope at all. I know God can do anything- I just don't think he wants to.

I want a baby. And I can't have one.

Today at playgroup there were two adorable girls. The older one who hung off my arm, trying to get my attention. The younger one who has the name that Tim and I have picked out if we ever, ever get our hoped for, prayed for little girl.

The elder one said to me "Your name is not Jane".
Little one "Not Jane"

Who am i then? I asked

"Your Mummy".

The little one put on the biggest grin in the world and grabbed my hand and said "Mommy Jane".

My heart melted and broke at the same time.

Lady Grey

Monday, May 10, 2010

The day when it finally happened

Hello nobody,

It is strange writing this. No body knows that I've written it except my husband and he wouldn't know where to look for it if it crossed his mind to do so.

Why am I writing this blog, that is currently to nobody, and might some day be read by somebody.

Because I'm sick of the half-truths of my life.

People who know me, even those who know me pretty well, are always talking about how happy I am.

So smiley

So happy

So enthusiastic

And when I write on my not-anonymous blog, a similar impression comes across.

For a long time I've thought that it might be nice to write a blog where I can actually write about the hardest, and (lets face it) most interesting part of my life.

But I've put it off. Often because I think- what if I get pregnant straight after I wrote it? Then it will be a totally wasted blog space.

So why today?

Today we found out that our fifth little embryo who made it to the womb didn't make it.

And my heart is sick.

Hope deferred.

And I thought- I'm sick of the half-truth that is my life. I'm sick of the pain. And even though this feeling will past, and the roller coaster of IVF will start again- at the moment I feel as if I will never be pregnant.

And so I started a blog.

Dear little Esther,
I love you so very much. I wanted you so badly.
My heart is breaking over you.
love Mum.


Lady Grey