"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12




Friday, December 30, 2011

Much to say to hard to say

I have much to say but just don't feel like saying it. Please pray for Earls Pa who is in hospital. We would be devastated to loose him.

2011 was the year to survive

2012 is the year to THRIVE!

Praying this is THE year for all of us.
Love LG

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Good days, bad days

Last night, Earl held me and promised me that this time next year I would look back and be amazed at all the good things that would happen. He promised. I don't know how he can keep that promise, but I trust him, and that promise helped me to sleep with joy last night.

Today feels like a good day. Today I read blogs about happy baby filled Christmas, and I imagine that will be me

There Are good days and bad days. How I wish it were all good.
LG

Starving to death

Had a couple of really bad days. Yes, I am okay with adopting if thats where things are going. II will be a Mum to whoever will take me. What I cannot face is the 5-10 years it takes in Australia to adopt.

just before Christmas my youngest sister-in-law mentioned she really wants to buy and be settled in a house by the end of next year. Then she gave a coy little smile that shattered me. My very little BIL and SIL are going to try this year and the idea is killing me.

It is hard enough with my first SIL and her massive beautiful heart-breaking belly, another one, I can't even think about it.

I feel like I'm starving to death-watching those around me eat a 6course feast

And they are complaining there is not enough salt.

:'(

LG

Friday, December 23, 2011

Merry Christmas

I know I am not the merriest person in the world.

It's been a hard year. This time last year was really, really hard, and the hardness was just beginning.

But this year, as I get ready to celebrate the birth of my saviour- I am ready to be merry. Not because I know that things will all work out like I hope. Not because there is anything new to celebrate this year, my arms are still empty.

But my life is full of many things: Awesome family, a beautiful supportive husband, food and shelter and a life with purpose.

And because of the first Christmas, I have Jesus. So I am ready for a Merry Christmas.

Today I feel that. Two days ago I did not. That is the nature of this ride. The big thing is not to feel guilty when things are hard, and to do your best with the good times.

So whether this Christmas is Merry or very, very sad- you are in my prayers.
love LG

Thursday, December 22, 2011

A Cool Headed look at our Situation

Yesterday was a strange day. I knew it was a year since we lost Thumper, but we had decided not to focus on it. And isomehow I could.

I think it's coz I've been dealing with Thumpers death for so long that one day was just a day in the journey. Earl wants to celebrate his life and not his dath and I really like that.

As for our Docs negative assessment, after the initial shock, it in some way seems like a relief. We aren't definitely unable to have our own kids, but we will do tests and actually have some answers. We can in some senses start to think about moving on to other adoption options. And there is a lot of beautiful things about that.

So next steps. We will do an IVF cycle where we will during the cycle test the embryos to see if there are any genetic problems with them that is halting implantation. If it tuns out there is something inherently wrong with our eggs/sperm we will explore embryo adoption. If embryos are fine we will try some slightly experimental medication for my Uterus, which worked for our friend.

If none of that works then we will go down the adoption road.

I'm so matter a fact! My Thrapist always says you can get to a point where having your own Genetic child becomes less important and adoption is suddenly exciting. The strange thing is I was already at that point, I just didn't know it until Yesterday.

I can't garrentee all will happen as I imagine. Any adoption in Australia, even embryo-adoption, is a tough ask. But It is worth a try.

LG

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

RE Appointment- well, you'll just have to read the post because I don't know how to describe it

So, our RE appointment was shifted a day ahead and it happened this morning. How can I describe it? A bit traumatic.

The doctor looked at my file and said that given my embryos and my age and the times we've tried I should be pregnant by now, so that meant one of two problems. Either there was something Genetically wrong with my embryos, or there is something wrong with my Uterus. They have the facilities to Genetically test my embryos to see if that is the problem, if there is no problem then there are a few things they can try in relation to my Uterus. But I have to face the real possibility that the only solution to genetically abnormal embryos in donated sperm or egg, and the only solution if my uterus does not work is Surrogacy.

Clue tears.

In the end we didn't get very far in our discussions because Earl and I had to go and process the news. This arvo we will call up and book things in. I actually like my new clinic. I've already had a lovely counsellor ring up and talk me through things, every ones been very understanding and concerned for me. And I don't blame the doctor for being realistic. It's just that these kinds of options- these kind of "worst case scenarios" have always been presented as far in the future. It was such a shock, in what I saw as an initial discussion of our case, to have such things raised, to have the next steps being so extreme.

I don't really know how to think about it. I think the scariest thing is that not being able to have our own genetic children now feels like a real possibility. And that is really hard. Not to mention the fact that both Earl and I have not discussed about how we feel about Sperm or Egg donation. We've talked about Embryo adoption- and that is alot more appealing to us that the other two- though I get the vibe my clinic sees EA as only an option for those who Sperm or Egg donation doesn't work. But it's just like a whole mine-field that has opened up in front of us.

The timing? Tomorrow is the anniversary of when we lost Thumper. 2011- you have done it again!

I am sitting here crying, but I am okay. Not great, but okay. There is still a chance that we can have our own Genetic children- and anything is possible with God. But it is still a blow.

Please pray for us. It's a tough road, and it doesn't look like getting any smoother anytime soon.
LG

Friday, December 16, 2011

BFF Meeting and RE meeting

Im sitting up in bed on Earl's iPad writing this blog. So apologizes for bad grammar or punctuation I find the key board a little tough.

Yesterday, I had my first live chat with BFF since her news. I was so nervous, nervous that it would be awkward, nervous she would say something insensitive and hard, nervous that I would be so over sensitive that even normal comments would offend me.

It was wonderful

I can't work out why. It could be her attitude, I suspect it was our prayers, but we had the best time. Frank deep conversations, lots of laughs, we hung out for nearly three hours and I didn't want it to end. She kept saying "this probably isn't helpful" about topics that she thought might upset me, but they never were a problem.

So glad I can go into this year with a BFF that I can be with and be supported by, rather than just another hard pregnancy.

And so now the next nervous meeting is with our new RE. I always find new medical professionals scary, so weird to sit down with a stranger and tell them your life's greatest pain. I am excited and hopeful and glad to get him. But still scared.

Had some sad and some happy blog news of late. Thinking of you all.
Love LG

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Coming home childless

On the road on the way home, two things were going on which meant that I wasn't in a good place for a long drive and a sentimental reflection of the last four years interstate. One was a conversation on Monday with my dear friend Mrs L. I loved her, she has been a huge support to me. But I think I need to say to her, I can't talk to her about IVF anymore. Everytime i talk to her, she just looks so mornful, so sorry for me, so "you are dreaming if you think this is going to happen after your million and one cycles", that I always walk away feeling just like that.

Then I got a message from my BFF saying she was having her 13 week scan and if all went well (which it did) she would start telling people.

I thought I was okay about BFFs pregnancy.

Wrong again.

So I sit in my Parent-in-laws house, reading blogs of so many people who are going into Christmas- FULL, and I sit here empty.

I know tomorrow i will have hope. I am really detirmined to hold it together, to do my best to be hopeful and happy. But today. Today I think I just have to mourn what I do not have.

LG

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Quick

Hi Friends,
Thanks so much for your support. I feel bad getting all silly- I do not want to be that kind of blogger, who gets stressed about lack of comments. But I was in a bad place, and I appreciate your gracious reactions to my paranoia :)

Better place now. We have packed up our house, today is my last day in my current job and in two days we get in the car and drive home. I only experienced a year of IF in my home town (and technically then it wasn't IF but TTC), and I am looking forward to facing this struggle with family and close friends there to support us. I am petrified of many things, but I am hopeful. 2012 has become a great beacon of hope for Earl and I. Earl keeps saying "It can't be worse that this year". I know it can, we could get the dreaded "You will never have kids". But I am choosing to hope, to be excited, to go into this year not in passive despair but in hopeful anticipation, that whatever happens I can CHOOSE to make the best of it.

I have soo much to do today, I shouldn't really be blogging. But its an emotional day, and I think today of all days I have a right to do what I want to do as well as what I need to do.

I am struck by the world that many of you are in, preparing for first time cycles, hoping for good news, trying your best to get through the 2 week wait. I am thinking of you and praying so hard for lots of happy news and success.
love LG

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I'm NOT pregnant, please keep reading my blog!

Today could have been a really lovely day. It was farewell from a very special job I'v been doing. And it was a really lovely day today whenever I was busy. And yet when I had a moment to myself I just couldn't help feeling in despaired. I really, really, really thought I was pregnant. And I'm not. It's just so overwhelmingly unfair.

You hear all those lovely stories about how "I really hoped and prayed I'd have a baby before Christmas" or, "Exactly a year after loosing by baby I was pregnant again" and it comes true. I thought I was going to be one of those lovely stories but I am not. I am never a lovely story. I am that never successful, always awful- 'person you never want to be' stories. All the things I've dreaded, Christmas, the day we lost Thumper, my SIL Pregnancy, My BFFs pregnancy, they are all happening with no baby and its too hard.

I read other blogs about people who are nine weeks, exactly where I was when I lost Thumper.

OH GOD, PLEASE THIS IS ALL TO HARD, PLEASE DO SOMETHING!


And I'm a bit worried that some people have stopped reading my blog because they think I'm pregnant. I'm not, please come back! I need your support through all this!

LG

Monday, December 5, 2011

Only a moment to speak

Life is mad and crazy at the moment, I've only just caught up with my usual blogs and I'll give you a very brief update. Moving in exactly a week, madly packing and finishing up work. Rolls of sadness wash over us every so often, but we are also trying to remember that getting pregnant this month would have been a bonus, nothing has changed if you cut out basically a week and a half.

But it still really sucks for all that. I don't even know if I'm morning a baby or not. But I'm most definately morning a beautiful dream.

A friend wrote me an email about how she loves new year. The time of new possibilities. That is how I am trying to think about 2012. It will be different, new city, new job, back with our beloved families. There will be tough things like watching my SIL, BFF, and others have their babies before me. But they will be oportunities to try to enjoy others babies even when its tough. And it is a new clinic, a new specialist, and perhaps new chances to have a pregnancy that stays. I am apprehensive, but also a little excited.

I wish, wish, wish I could go into this year pregnant. 2011 has been so very hard, the hardest year of my life. But it is almost over. And maybe 2012 will be the year when I finally get to hold a baby in my arms.

And that is what I pray for all of you out there too.
love LG

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Next steps

I am so sick of having that as a blog title!

Yesterday was terrible. My friend who struggled with depression was described by her Therapist as a functional depressed. Ie, despite her depression she was able to do all the things that she needed to do.

I am a functional IF. Usually. But I got very close to non-functioning yesterday. There were lots of silly, frustrating things that went on, as well as AF becoming very obviously there- killing any hopes that might have come from my morning vomit (I mean, SERIOUSLY! My body is so frustrating!). I got through the day without crying in public- just.

And so, in three weeks and one day we will meet up with our special brand new specialist. We will see if there might be something that can be done to me that might make me work.

But, if things are as I expect, and I was pregnant for even a teansie while this month (Its weird, do I morn a baby I don't know if it was there???)- then that is a very, very, very amazing sign. Maybe we can make a baby on our own?

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers. This is just a terrible week!
LG

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Dealing with hopes dashed

One of the hardest things about disappointment after such hopeful moments is that you have to reorientate your thinking.

Once again, I have to think about job hunting, when for a while I thought I'd be having a kid instead.

Once again, I have to face Christmas with all my relatives going gaga over my sister-in-laws belly, without a belly of my own to secretly celebrate.

Once again, I have to face moving, and packing and a really hard week, all with IF underlying it.

But I won't stop believing that my life will be good. I had a few days of possibilities, and I am not giving up that I can have that again. Next time I hope with those possibilities becoming realities.
LG

Friday, December 2, 2011

BFN

I'm so upset.

I know its not definately the end of things, I know these tests can be wrong, I know it was about my fourth pee of the day so maybe there wasn't much hormone to find. But there was no line. Nothing. Not even a light one.

And then the slightest, pinky/brown spotting.

Why did things look so good to go so bad in a matter of hours.

I'm so sad.
LG

Update: I rang up the fertility clinic. They said if my period doesn't arrive by Monday to come and do a test. The nurse said even if I'm not pregnant they might be able to work out what's going on with such a long cycle

Day 45

A few days ago, just after my last post I think, Earl gave me a call. He had some bad news. I won't go into what it was (it wasn't terrible bad, it was just frustrating bad), but his question was "Is History repeating itself?". You see, he had very similar frustrating news a year ago. A year ago when we were pregnant with Thumper.

I assured him of what he really already knew, that just because this thing had happened, and then we lost Thumper- does not mean that we are going to loose this baby if we are pregnant, just because the same thing had happened again. History was not repeating- things are so different this year.

I did the calculations on the web in terms of when my periods was, and how long my cycles normally go. If I am pregnant (and I am more and more sure that I am), then the baby would be due within days of Thumper's due date anniversary. It is in many ways history repeating itself. That is a scary thought, but it is also an amazing thought- it makes me associate this pregnancy and this baby with my beloved Thumper in a very precious way. And it makes the miracle of a completely unexpected pregnancy feel even more like a gift.

Praying this little one that might be growing inside me can stay with us forever!

Day 44 was a little bit traumatic. When calculating at first I miscalculated and thought that I was actually day 37- which of course is no where near as exciting! But after recalculating and confirming (by this blog!) when my period was, I was able to confirm that I was right. So that makes today 45- incredible!

Also, before I went to bed- I had a slight touch of very, very pale brown spotting. Earl and I both very sick and pretty scared.

An hour later, it was gone, and this morning it is gone and I feel pretty nauseous. So I am not to dwell on it. But I think very soon (maybe after the weekend) it is time for a test, and I suspect Earl will agree with me.

Pray for me!
LG

update: I vomited! Earl said from the other room "Is it wrong that for me that was a happy sound?". Too early for a chemist to be open but we will test today and if its positive see about getting a beta for Monday

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

To test or...

Hi Friends,
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. No, I haven't tested yet. One reason is business (we'll been staying with family- no chance to go to the chemist) but the main reason is Earl isn't ready yet. It's pretty funny, I told him I was day 42 yesterday and he said "That's not that much". I don't know how on earth he could think 42 isn't much! We did have some really long cycles when I first went off the pill, but even then-we are already up to the second longest cycle of my life!

He is just so very afraid. He doesn't want to get disappointed. "Let's just not think about it for a week and then see what happens". But he's the guy and he can do that, and that's a little tougher for me :) But I am happy to go with what he thinks for the moment- because I understand how he feels. At the moment its just a possibility, a very real and exciting possibility and an answer to a million prayers- once we test we can be pretty sure- and a BFN would be horrible.

And its doubly hard because I'm such a hypochondriac, I can't work out if the slight morning nauseousness I"m feeling is just in my head... I haven't even mentioned it to Earl because again, if I am not pregnant and it is in my head I don't want to make this harder for him by getting his hopes up more than they already are.

So I'll sit back and wait, and see if I feel sicker. If i do, i don't think I'll have any problem convincing Earl its time for a test.

Sorry you have to wait along with me! Praying soon I'll have good news for all of us!
LG

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Do I dare?

Do I dare even to start to think about it?

No bleeding except for a little bit over a week ago. Cramping-weird cramping that is not like period and not like Thumper. Day 42.

Can I even say it?

Could I be pregnant?

I don't know, it seems so unlikely that it could happen and so scary to get hopeful and be wrong.

But what if I am?
LG

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Sensitive moments

Family agents are always a little scary when you struggle with IF. When you add in a very obviously pregnant sister-in-law, it can b a little daunting. But my experience is that usually the worst case scenarios don't happen.

Usually.

We arrived at the wedding and Earls Aunt began to gush over SILs belly-I was sitting in front so I turned around so I wouldn't be forced to smile at her comments. She was holding earls cousins screaming daughter. She dumped the daughter into my arms and said "here you go, it's about time you got clucky (is that an Australian expression? To get clucky means to really want a baby)

Earl and I walked outside and I started to cry. I said "I knew someone would say something". Earl said "You set yourself up for these things. It wasn't that bad-you've just worried yourself into being super sensitive". And this morning I know that. But yesterday I was too wound up-too overwhelmed by the belly that just couldn't be looked away from to be brave.

Earl is lovely, so sensitive and always on my side. But it can be hard with his family. He loves them, but he really cares about what they think, and me crying in front of them is the height of humiliation for him. And there have been several family functions which I've found hard which Earl has not been able to enjoy because of me. And that's tough for both of us. But there is a limit to my strengh and I don't know how things could have been different.

The irony in all this is that AF still hasn't arrived yet. I am having silly little dreams of two lines, but I also know that the odds of me getting pregnant naturally are a great deal worse than the odds of a 39 day cycle after a stim cycle. I don't even know if it's possible to get pregnant straight after IVF. For once google has let me down on an IVF question :)

I'm not going to test for a bit longer-and I just have to remind myself not to get carried away. I've already prematurely mourned AF this month, I don't want to go through it again a week later because I get convinced of something that just isn't very likely.

Tonight I'm celebrating Thanksgiving with My family. This year has been tough. But there is, in my experience, always something to be thankful for.

Even if it's just Pumpkin Pie :)
LG

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Too much in my head

I sat down to write out my feelings but it's hard to know where to start. There are two very distinct things happening in my head to do with Infertility- and that- compiled with all the thinking that comes with moving and leaving a job has left me a bit shell shocked. I woke up early and I was just snapped wide awake. There were just too many things to think. It's the kind of morning where I would wake up and clean, but we are at my in-laws house so there is no need.

In-laws. That's as good a place to start. I was feeling pretty good about my sister-in-laws pregnancy a little while ago, and alot of the fears, to do with this trip to see family, and Christmas, and all family stuff up until she gives birth- had seemed to disappear somewhat. So I think I was blind-sided by how hard it was seeing my in-law. My Father-in-law asked "Any News" and while I suspect he meant nothing by it- I read it as "Are you pregnant yet?". He talked about painting "The yellow room" which is the room that my nephew will sleep in when he is born (my SIL and BIL will live with my PIL for a while when the baby comes). I felt sick. It is one thing to know that my SIL is having a baby before me, but to see all the excitement that I feel should have been about Thumper is really tough.

I didn't look in the room last night- I did it just this morning. There was a change table. It was nice. I thought- maybe I will be okay. Maybe it was tiredness that was making me crazy.

Then I got on the computer downstairs to write on this blog- and all the "favourite" websites that came up were baby related.

Not just tiredness.

Second IF thing which is really hard is that my body is acting really weird. On Monday I thought AF was coming because I got some spotting. On Wednesday I thought AF was coming because I had some more bleeding. Thursday and today...nothing. Nothing except cramps which are really weird and are actually reminicent of the twinges I had before I misscarried.

I don't actually think that I am pregnant. I have had something like this once before- where I kind of got a fake period, and then the real one came about 5 days later. But I am really struggling with the uncertainty of it and what it might mean. Is there something wrong with me? Is my body not recovering well from IVF. Am I pre-metapausal. And there is always a little fear that maybe I am pregnant but its ectopic- hense the pain and the irregular bleeding.

And the pain is hard. Its not the dull ache of a period but sharp little "ouches". Not enough to have to take anything for it, but just unexpected and annoying.

If I am not pregnant- I just want a normal period.

When will my body behave?

Despite all that, I'm actually going okay. Not perfect, but still so much better than a few weeks ago when I feel apart.

I'm also deciding whether to see my BFF. I would like to see her, but it will be the first time I see her since her news, and I'm not sure i'm up to that. I will be moving close by in less than 3 weeks, so she won't mind. Hard to decide.

Too much in my head!
LG

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

It would have been nice

I got AF today. On day 35. It's not that I really truely thought that I was pregnant- though I was starting to feel both hopeful and stressed and unsure. When AF came I felt a little sad. I didn't think I was pregnant.

But it would have been nice.

I am still in a pretty good place. I packed my bags, and chatted with friends, and did my work despite the arrival.

But it would have been nice.

I am feeling really excited and hopeful about moving onto a new clinic. It has been a really rough year and change is good. I am very aware that my chances in any non-medicated cycle are very slim, and that my best chances are when the doctors do some of the hard work for me.

But it would have been nice.

It would have been nice to be pregnant. It would have been wonderful. It would have been the best. To be pregnant a year after loosing Thumper. To go into a year of change with a little miracle nestling inside of me.

But it was not to be.
LG

Monday, November 21, 2011

Still good

I was a little bit worried that the reason I was in such a good place was that AF had not arrived and that this hope was what was keeping me going.

But while there can be no good time for AF- I am pretty happy with how things went today.

Just before finding out that AF was probably on her way, I realised I missed a call. You see, my lovely counsellor had called up a few specialist in the state which we are moving too- just to see if there were any that might squeeze me in. One of the doctors- who is quite high up in the field of IVF- is not taking new patients until February. But his personal secretary called to say she can book me in for an appointment in Dec! Yay! And so when AF came it wasn't of a cycle that didn't work that I was thinking of but rather of IVF in the future that might.

That is exciting and hopeful.

I have many other things I'd love to write, but life is mad, mad, mad in a good busy way, and I really should get off my butt and do some packing while I have 30 minutes breath :)

Love to you all, i don't know what kind of days you are having but I'm praying for strength and hope for you all. And lots of babies :)
LG

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Oposite ends- and my dream

Hi Friends,
Can i just say, thanks to everyone who is praying for me. This week has been great. It has had emotional moments, but I can't believe how well I am dealing with news. So yay to you guys who support me, yay to my counsellor, yay to Earl, and yay to God!

Anyway, when I say I'm in a good mood, it is remarkable given what I'm about to tell you.

At my church there is a lady who has been overseas for three months. She is 7 months pregnant. I had lunch with her today, and as we talked I felt amazed. We are on totally opposite ends for everything.

She has two children, one 8 and one 12- and she is 45. Her husband and her are together less than half the year. When she didn't get her period she thought it must be menopausal. When she found out she was having a child she slipped into depression.

Her husband is overseas half of the year. She had finished her family. She did not want to have this child. She told her doctor if she wasn't a follower of Jesus she would have gotten rid of it. She just does not know how she is going to cope with a new born again. Her kids are now used to the idea- but her 8 year old was screaming at her in tears when she found out. "Our family is finished" she cried out angrily.

She said to me "We know this is a blessing but it's not a blessing we want".

It is so strange, and hard to comprehend, that people who don't want kids get them and people like me who pray so hard for them don't. I really felt for her, and wished there was someway that we can take the child for her. But I believe there is a purpose in her having another child. I don't yet understand the purpose of me NOT having a child, but I believe that she has been blessed and will one day be ready to count that blessing.

Anyway- onto the dream.

I have a re-occurring dream which is going to 'out' me to the world as the biggest nerd ever! My dream is that I am back at University- and I find out I was doing a subject I forgot about, and I am not going to finish the work and I'm going to fail. It is this terrible feeling of hopeless. It always seems to come at times of stress and change.

Anyway, this morning I had the dream- but it was slightly altered.

The subject was a maths subject, and I had an exam and several assignments due in a matter of days. The feeling of stress overwhelmed me. But then I paused. I looked down at the text book. I thought to myself "I'm good at Math, I can work this out, I can do this". And so I sat down and began the assignment.

I woke up amazed. And it seemed so appropriate to how I feel this week. Yes, I'm scared of next year, and facing Christmas, and all the babiness and babylessness that is butting heads this year. And it will be tough.

But I'm good at tough. I can work this out. I can do this.
LG

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Progress

Lying in bed last night, I found myself wondering how I could get to sleep. I felt the wallowing thoughts overtaking me. The feeling so wretched about our situation. The anger at God. The shame that I could not be happy for my friend.

But I knew I needed to sleep, that I couldn't wallow, so I repeated phrases from my counsellor

Your Friends pregnancy does not in any way affect your own chances of getting pregnant

Of course, when she said that, she wasn't talking about this friend. But it helped. And slowly I began to think helpful thoughts.

It's funny, because I've already had the reality in my head that not everyone gets to have a baby. And in every group of people there will be someone who can't and doesn't. I guess when I first heard my long term IF friends news my imediate thought was "Oh no, we are going to be THE ONES". Earl calmly pulled apart the logic of this, and I realised how silly it was. I also realised that we still have 3 friends without kids who have been trying for a long time, so even if it was true (which its not) its still not grounds for an overreaction.

I had a lady in my church who never had kids. She said she had a friend who also couldn't have kids and she prayed that God would give her friend a child, even if it meant he wouldn't give one to her. God answered that prayer. I'm not sure it is the right way to pray, but I still am amazed. I don't know if I could give up having a baby myself, even for my closest friends.

But if I could for anyone, it would be this lady. She and her husband have had the roughest time- rejected by his family for their cross-racial marriage, with her own family falling apart. She has found IF so very hard and have been very lonely and scared. And I choose to be happy for her, even if it's really hard.

So yay for progress! Of course, in the last 30 minutes I have also just heard of three other pregnancies. It's so extreme it is actually quite funny.

And you know what? I actually feeling positive that one day I can make my own announcement as well.

Here's hoping.
LG

Just not the right time

Is there any right time to hear other people's news? I'm not sure. But 11pm at night is definately the wrong time. From now on, I am not checking my emails right before bed.

I was looking forward to writing a post about how I was in a good place. About how helpful the meeting with the counsellor was. About how the fear had subsided. About how I was feeling positive about the future for the first time in weeks.

Oh dear...

Needless to say that is all in a heap, and I am in tears on the computer when I should be in bed.

I have a friend I have known for many years. We started trying at the same time. She had alot of serious health issues to do with IF and emotionally really wasn't coping well. So much so that she cut herself off from many of our friends. Our shared IF story meant that we kept up, and I think I was able to really encourage her. I was actually going to catch up with her and tell her I was pregnant the day before we found out Thumper was gone.

I got the email today that she is 4 months pregnant.

I am relieved for her.

But why now? Why less than a week after BFF news? Why when I was starting to feel better?

I am just so tired

So tired of this journey

So tired of being left behind.

So tired in general.

I need to go to bed.

I hope I can sleep after this.
LG

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Getting Help

Okay, i think its time to admit that I am NOT coping better than I have with other announcements. I am in the sense that I am not particularly bitter or angry towards my friend, but I am not in the sense that I am falling apart and I know its not just a coincidence that this break-down has coincided with my friends news.

I'm so scared. Before her news I was really looking forward to moving back to my home town in a month. Now it just feels like there will be so much hardness associated with the move.

And Spiritually I am in a bad place. I'm conscious that not everyone who reads this blog believes the same things I do (thought some of you do), so apologies if this doesn't make sense. I've been in a really bad place with God, really angry, falling apart. This is a normal part of infertility- and I know he can handle it. But it has become something that is not healthy. A battle. It has become like a wrestle with him, I argue why he has to baby, I try to manipulate him with my emotions (ie If you don't give me a baby right now I will blah, blah, blah).

When I was pregnant with Thumper, I remember reading a post by someone who was going through similar things- being really angry with God about their infertility. And I thought, in my arrogant pregnancy bliss "If you would just keep trusting him, he will look after you". Several weeks later, Thumper was in Heaven and this women was pregnant. I think for some really weird reason I have it in my head that if I get to the very lowest of lows then God will finally give me a baby. But God is not one to be manipulated, and I don't want to be someone who only loves and serves when things are going well. I want to keep trusting him.

I caught up with friends after I heard my BFFs news. I didn't tell them, but I was pretty upset and one of the girls said "Maybe its time to get some help". I told her I would see my counsellor again. Hubby is also going to organise a meeting with a friend who is a bit of a Christian Mentor figure.

And so I will try to do something about this mess I am in. Because I don't like this person I am becoming.
LG

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Dealing better

There are many reasons I am writing this post, the main one being so that when I go to my blog I don't see the first line of my previous post. Everytime I do I get a little turn in my tummy.

Though, to be honest, I am dealing with BFFs pregnancy better than most. I mean, I am a mess today, but most of the time its not about her being pregnant but it's about the consequences. It's the ackward "Isn't it exciting that X is pregnant" conversations I am going to have to have with our huge number of mutual friends. It's dreading the conversations about the fear and struggle that I know is going to posess her over her impending and early motherhood (because I know her so well, i know she is the sort of person who will find the baby stage really hard, and watching her find it really hard will be really hard for me). But when I think about her baby, I actually get excited at the thought of meeting it, and having what I am sure will be a huge role in its life.

I guess I've faced my worst announcement (my sister-in-law having a baby before me) and so everything else is still hard, but not as earth shattering.

But I'm so fragile. Really, really fragile.

Anyway, sleep will help.

Night Y'all :)
LG

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I was right

BFF is pregnant. 8 weeks.

Eek!

I handled it really well, in some weird way I was able to be actually happy for her during the conversation. But I've been on a rocky roller coaster of emotions since we spoke.

Im really hoping this horrible year, which just doesn't stop being hard and horrible, is the storm before the cloud clear, that this year is our horrible year and next year will be magical baby year.

LG

Looking back, looking forward

It has actually been a really lovely week. We have had great time with friends, Earl has finally finished his studies, and I've been in a pretty good place.

A friend whose husband has also just finishing studying (they study together at a seminary) has organised a "reflection" night for me and my friends. Basically its a chance to look back over the last four years and think about how we have changed and grown, and what has happened- good and bad. She gave us a little form to fill in to think about these things.

Filling in this form took place in the weeks after the negative cycle, and I found myself looking back over these last four years as terrible.

But on Tuesday I found myself looking over my non-annonymous blog, and as I looked back at the happy times (I tend to only write on that blog when I'm happy), I realised that there has been many cool, fun, wonderful moments. And there has been alot of growth. So that has put me in a better place.

Yesterday was a tough day, mainly I suspect due to lack of sleep the nights before. My BFF has contacted me for a phone chat. We usually phone chat once a month, this will be the second one in two weeks. It might be because she is excited about my return to her city of residence, but I suspect she might be pregnant and is a) planning to tell me, or b) not planning to tell me yet but is feeling extra sorry for me because of it, so wants to look after me.

We discussed it, and she isn't planning to tell me until she is 12 weeks, but I know her and I doubt very much she could hold in such news.

So that possibility made me a bit shaky.

I also called the private clinic where we are thinking of going to for IVF. The public liason lady was LOVELY. Really, I felt so loved the minute I got on the phone. My Therapist had talked to their therapist and had recommened three doctors, all of which are not taking new patients until MARCH. And that doesn't mean starting IVF in March. That means initial consolutation, nurse appointments, police checks (my new state has extra rules about who can do IVF), and probably no actual IVF until June. So I don't know what to do. The lovely lady recommended some doctors without waiting list, but I don't know if I should wait, maybe not for the best, but at least for one of their top doctors. I just don't know.

On the way home I just cried and cried. I kept saying to God "I can't, I can't, I can't". 'I can't' what? Everything. A new cycle. A new clinic. Christmas. Moving. Adjusting. Maybe watching my friend have a baby.

Now that I have woken up after a huge sleep, I feel so much better. I feel like I can face life.

I told Earl, "I've had a great week, something is going to happen to make it bad". Earl smiled, hugged me and said "We don't have a baby. That is the bad thing in every week. So you don't have to worry, nothing worse can happen than that." It was a strangely comforting comment.
LG

Saturday, November 5, 2011

The Story of Loosing Thumper

WARNING- If you are pregnant, best not to read this, it might be upsetting. In fact, no one needs to read this if you don't feel comfortable- this is an exercise for me as much as it is information for anyone else.

Today, I'm going to write the story of how we lost Thumper.

I've been wanting to write it for a few weeks now, but I needed the right time, when I was emotionally up for it. I have never done this before in detail, it has always been too painful. But I've been doing lots of reflecting on the past, and I realised that for me, often writing things down is the most helpful way to process it.

And I want to do this now. Earl is really keen that the date we found out we lost Thumper would not be a day that we would focus on. It was right before Christmas, and it was too horrible a time. We feel it is better to "celebrate" Thumper on his due date. My Therapist/counselor concurred. She said what I needed to do was to celebrate the good things about Thumper rather than his death. The amazing thing is, we had decided that the end of the this year was when we would quit IVF, the time when we decided that if it hasn't worked by then, it wasn't going to work. But Thumper has given us the hope to continue, and any future children that we have through IVF, well we have Thumper to thank for their existence. Amazing thought.

Anyway- the story.

Thumper was our amazing miracle. We were so excited when we got the BFP, but we were cautious too. This caution was exacerbated by the fact that he was a little small on his first scan. We waited through the 10 days until the follow up scan, scared and afraid- though with ever growing morning sickness to make us feel better. And when the scan came, he was perfect- not only was he the 10 days bigger they needed, he had actually almost caught up. The nurse said, you can never be totally confident until 12 weeks, but things were looking good.

At that point we called him Thumper, because he had a heart that just kept beating, even when the odds were against him.

We were traveling down to our home town for Christmas- excited to tell our families the good news. We'd agreed on ten weeks for the announcement, and had even organised to go out for dinner with my family to tell them. On the way we stopped at a country town where much of my mum's family lived to have a Christmas party. I was staying with my Aunt. I got up in the night to go to the toilet and found the smallest amount of blood. Working very hard not to wake the house, we went to the local emergency room. The Doctor was not worried at all, but said since we needed reassurance, she suggested we book in for an ultra-sound that week. We were not too worried, and were secretly a little pleased to get another chance to see our little baby.

We were going to a clinic near my in-laws. We walked there. I still remember, it was a beautiful day, I was a little nervous- but happy nervous not sad.

This is the part that is hard to write.

We went into the clinic. The stenographer said at this stage it should be fine to do a non-internal ultra sound and so he began to check.

There was no heart beat.

The stenographer didn't say anything about it, but he said he should try internal and left the room. But I knew what it should look like. There was a shape, but it wasn't alive. I could just tell.

Earl said, lets not panic until we know. I calmed a bit, but not alot. I knew something was very wrong.

He did the internal. No heart beat. I began crying and screaming "No, no, give me my baby back, where is he, what's going on. Give me my baby back. This can't be happening."

The stenographer still wouldn't say anything, and brought the doctor in to look. He agreed, no heart beat, and told us our baby was gone. I don't remember what Earl said, but I remember the look on his face and his tears. Our world and completely fallen apart.

We walked back to Earls parents in shock. We just kept saying, how can it be such a beautiful sunny day when it is the worst day that ever was? I went up to our room and Earl broke the news to his Mum and Brother. I went down stairs and cried in my Mum-in-laws arms.

Earl told me to pack an overnight bag. We just had to get away from everyone, and we found a hotel by the beach. It was a horrible night, we just watched TV so we wouldn't have to think about anything, and ate junk-food. That night we prayed that God would take us back in time and that Thumper would be alive again. We knew that if God answered our prayers we would not be in the hotel anymore. The next morning, I was never so devastated to wake up in a beautiful hotel.

That's all I can write.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Stoped and Still

As we approach 5 years of trying, there are huge differences in my attitude to when we started. It think I'm reflecting on this alot because of two people I know who are starting ARTs for the first time, one is doing IVF and one is doing IUI. The IUI person is not a close friend, and she is being crazy open, she has told all nine hundred of her friends on facebook! I find it really hard to read her posts, she is so certain she will get pregnant- and she is probably right. Most people I know do!

But it reminded me of myself at that stage. I wasn't that positive or open, but I definitely thought it would happen and happen soon, and lived my life accordingly. Here are some changes I've seen.

things I've stopped doing:
Only buying old/baggy clothes just in case I get pregnant
I just got sick of looking like a dag! I won't buy clothes in the two week wait, but other than that I just buy nice, normal, fitting clothes and figure if I do get pregnant it will be such a happy time I won't care that new clothes can't be warn. This week Earl went dress shopping with me and we bought two really lovely dresses for NO REASON! I find Infertility makes me feel bad about myself, and so looking good really helps.

Using Home pregnancy tests
The times I've used them, its always been negative and the day before my period comes. I just don't get my hopes up, and wait for blood tests to let me know.

Read blog posts on re-usable nappies
The truth is, when I first started trying, I was fully in to all things mummy blogging, because I was thinking hard about what kind of Mum I want to be. It is not that this is no longer important- it's just that I don't have the emotional energy to do it when Motherhood seems no closer (maybe even further away) than it did five years ago. If I get pregnant (please, please, please, please!) I will have 9 months to remind myself of what nappies people have said are the best.

WHAT I Still do:
-I don't drink alcohol or eat soft cheeses or sushi in the second half of my cycle
-I still try every month to get pregnant. Not only is it fun ;P but I figure with PCOS it is unlikely but always possible that this month might be the one month of my life when we can do this on our own.
-I still read baby name books, and I still imagine my kids, what they will look like and be like- perfect little mixes of Earl and me.
-Pray at least 5 sometimes 20 times a day for a baby.
-Linked into that, I still pray that God will give us four kids. But that's a topic for another post.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Above water again

Hi Friends,

I was trying to capture the perfect metaphore for the last week, and just the up and down of IVF. This is my attempt.

Infertility is like being stuck at sea, treading water, hoping deperately to get to dry land. IVF is like a rush to the shore. You paddle and paddle with all your might. The beach is in sight and you think you are almost there. For some, it's just a few more stroks and they are there. But for others, a big wave comes, drags you under, and pulls you back out to sea. You gasp out into the salty water, wondering if you can get back for air, thinking "I was so close, I was so close".

I feel like last week I was still under water, and I feel like today I've just pulled myself up and I'm breathing again.

Of course, I'm not silly enough to think that the pain is over and that suddenly I'm going to be okay. But today I've actually been happy. Today I've been able to hold it together. Today I've been able to hope and even get at least a little bit excited about the future. Today I've been able to read blogs of people who are recently pregnant and felt that maybe there miracles might be my miracles soon, instead of feeling like God has once again passed over me to bless others.

Even as I write that last line, a little wave of depression rushes over me. But I fight back to the surface and continue to paddle.

One of the hardest things about IVF is that when you face the disappointment of a BFN or AF- the impatients rises up. While I'm under the waves i think, I don't care if I get pregnant in six months. I don't want to be pregnant in six months. I want to be pregnant now. I want the miracle to have already happened. And Thumper compounds it because I can't help thinking of the might have beens, that the waiting could have been completely over, that we could have him with us right now.

I read of others who are blessed and I want what they have so bad I can hardly breath. Walking home on the day I got my period, I could actually physically feel the emptiness in my chest, as if I really did have a baby shaped hole in my heart.

Today, the idea of having a baby is six months is a happy thought, and I think, okay, maybe I will survive this.

Please keep praying for me. I so desperately want this.
LG

Sunday, October 30, 2011

How to keep up hope

Hi Friends,

Well, I'm still very much in the flat, not coping stage. It has been a horrid week, and I usually can't go more than two hours without tears. I am feeling so lost. One of the people's who blogs I read has just announced a miracle pregnancy. It was the first post I read after my period. As happy as I am for her, I don't understand. I don't understand why it is always someone else and never me. That is the theme, the song which keeps jingling round my head "why someone else and never me why someone else and never me why someone else and never me".

The only thing that is keeping me going is Earl.

Earl thinks we are going to have a baby one day. He really thinks we are going to have a baby one day. In fact, I will go so far as to say that he is more hopeful this side of the period than he was before it. This makes no sense to me, but I am grateful.

Perhaps because he doesn't have a medicalish brain, perhaps because he hasn't had to go through everything medical that I have and has seen no result, but Earl believes in miracles. He still believes that every month we can get pregnant. He believes that a new clinic can help. He believes that a baby is in my future and he tells me, "don't give up on life yet Lady, there is a baby coming for you".

I pray it is so!

LG

Friday, October 28, 2011

Dull and horrid

Hello friends,
Thanks for the love. I'm sorry I doubted you were praying/listening- I was just in a very bad place when I wrote that post. Still not really in a great place, but better than that post.

I think sometimes when a negative pregnancy test seems like such a hard thing you just don't face it, hoping for the best. But now that it's over, yes it is difficult to face Christmas, the day we found out Thumper died, my sister in laws baby everything. But now that I know I need to face it without a baby in my belly- well, I know i will bear it. It will be horrible, but I will survive- because what other choice do I have?

I feel so incredibly lost. One of my dearest friends, who had tried for a baby for many years, when someone commented on the size of her baby, joked that she had brought it on herself, for when she would pray for a baby, she would jokingly ask for a chubby one. I left the conversation in tears. I just couldn't handle it. So many people get their much prayed for baby. No baby could be more prayed for than ours and yet- where is it?

We called this one we lost Mary, after Earl's Nanny who passed away in Febuary.

I feel so dull and horrid.

Thinking back, this day last year they were doing the egg pick-up that resulted in Thumper. I wish I could go back. I miss him so much.

Next steps?

Three months forced off, as I recover from this disaster of a stim cycle, as we move interstate to our home town, and as we find and settle in to a new clinic. Strangely, the idea of a new clinic and a new state gives me some hope- as new methods and new perspective can make a difference. But hope is far from my heart most of the time.

Keep me in your prayers, I am weak and lost.
LG

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Hope Dashed

I got my period yesterday.

My world is falling apart.

I don't know if anyone is even really still reading this blog to find out.

Or listening to my prayers.

And so, the worst year of my life remains the worst year of my life.

I really, really thought that I was pregnant.

I am such a fool.
LG

Sunday, October 23, 2011

The brighter side of a two week wait

I've been living in a bit of a dream land these last few days.

Blissfully happy. Knowing that there could be a pregnancy going on inside my belly. I think the reason I am so happy now and so miserable usually is because in the past I had heaps of different negative pregnancy experiences rushing through my head but this time all I can think about was this same stage when I was pregnant with Thumper. It was the same time of year, I had the same bloated belly and the same timeline of just waiting to bleed and if I didn't bleed, well, that is a reasonable sign that the blood test would come back good. I also had this unexpected feeling of hope. I've been enjoying the possibility that things are happening as I dream they would- and we would once again have a pregnancy.

It hit me a little bit today that I am moving from the bright to the hard side of the two week wait. Yes, this first week is a time of not knowing and waiting. But it's a time when there is no chance of bleeding. It is a time when there is no bad news that can come. It is just the lovely possibility of good news.

Now I am hitting the week where I could bleed, where the bloating could pass.

But I'm also approaching the time when I could get a BFPs.
LG

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Transfer day, and then there was one

Transfer has happened. The most amazingly wonderful medical miracle in the world, that they can put a little embryo inside me, and it is the simpliest quickest procedure. It makes me laugh.

I am trying to stay positive, but our second embryo has not continued to grow. They are giving it another day, but its not looking good. So I am positive and sad at the same time

And then there was one.

"It only takes one" said the Accupuncturalist. Yes, for many people it only takes one. But for me it's much more.

Hoping that this one is one that we can keep.
If you are a prayer, please pray especially hard for us.

love LG

Monday, October 17, 2011

Transfer for tomorrow, and update on my babies

Transfer is happening tomorrow. I sway and swap between excitement and hope and fear and doubt. I have no idea whether the baby they transfer will stay but I hope and hope like crazy!

Yesterday I got a call from the lab technician who left a message. They said that one baby is at 8 cells, and one is at 5, but that she wasn't worried, and she thinks the five is still growing and getting strong and might even have reached 6 cells by the time she had made the call. Now I misheard and thought she said that they expected them to be at 8 cells by this stage.

SO I had a bit of a terrible day, worrying about my babies, and worrying more generally about life as usually happens when I am going through this process.

Later in the day I decided to listen to the message again, and realised that at this stage they expect them to be 6-8 cells. Yay! So one embryo is at the head of the class and one is very close to the normal, expected stage :)

We'll find out more about the little one tomorrow, but the 8 celler (which is likely blastocyst by now) is going in!

I am playing to be very gentle with myself, not work to hard, eat healthy food, and I'm even getting some accupuncture straight after the transfer :)

Today is an absolutely beautiful Sunny day. Not warm, but sunny, and it feels like after much delay spring is finally here. It is, in my books, a time for hope. And time to think maybe, just maybe, it is time for some joy instead of morning.

Please pray for me and my embryos.
Love LG

Saturday, October 15, 2011

To Thumper, and good news

Two of our little eggs fertilised.

I am so happy.

I know that two fertilisations don't gareentee two little embryos by Wednesday but it is looking good. I am incredibly thankful to God for this answered prayer.

And I am thankful to God for Thumper. Yesterday was Baby Loss Awareness day. And praise God, Yesterday was a good Thumper day. A day where all I felt was love and joy for the little one that I had, and not the terrible achey horribleness.

And on this day too, I want to acknowledge all my little embryos. I know I talk about Thumper alot more than them, but that doesn't mean I don't love them and miss them and think of them.

To all my babies- Mummy loves you and is proud to have given you life, even for such a short while!

Praying so hard for our two new little babies :)
LG

Friday, October 14, 2011

3 eggs

We got three eggs. They are good looking eggs but there are only three of them. So scared this isn't going to work. So scared this is never going to work.

I was very weapy and emotional after my transfer. The nurse told me we would be using crinone because they didn't have any pregnal left. I got really upset, because for all my non-pregnancy fresh cycles we used crinone, but for thumper we used pregnal. I really wanted to use pregnal, even though I know medically it doesn't really make a difference.

One of the nurses searched and found the last bit of pregnel for me, and said we could use that instead. I told her as she handed it to me, "I know this doesn't make any sense". She smiled and said "Yes, it does make sense". She is one of the brisker nurses in the unit- but i love her for that special act of understanding.

I am weapy and emotional and just feeling so weak. I know that we will probably get one embryo at least out of this. But we might not. Tomorrow we call up to find out if any eggs fertilised. I'm so scared of that call.

Now I'm going to have a bath and read a book.

I am going to try for a few hours to not think about infertility.
LG

Thursday, October 13, 2011

It's time

Less than two hours until pick up! Have been feeling excited, though I know the nerves will stop. Earl says it's more traumatic for him, he's the one who sees me in pain, I don't remember any of it. In fact, in the middle of my first egg pick up I announced to him and all the nurses and doctors "This is actually quite fun!"

Not sure what will happen. I have a few huge folicals and a few not so big ones so I'm not sure what will happen or how many we will get. Last two times we have managed 4 embryos out of 10/7 eggs so we'll see.

Please pray.
love LG

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Update on the nevr ending Stim cycle

The nurse says egg pick-up will be on Friday. I have had three days of 7am blood tests followed by 8am ultra sounds and I'm a tad sick of it!

My right ovary is twinging quite regularly, and I'm pretty bloated and tired. According to the Snographer (Sp?) my right ovary is twice the size of my left ovary, and appears 'stimulated'.

When I rang up the nurse to check if I should be worried she seemed quite surprised that I was concerned. "Has it been a while since your last stim?" she asked. I think my clinic thinks I'm a pro at this and are surprised when I find things difficult.

I am sick of being an IVF pro!

Overall, very, very scared that fear of OHS will mean that we can't do the transfer next week. But maybe I'm overreacting????

Trying to pray about it, and finding it difficult.

I really want this to work. This time.
LG

Update- Egg pick up is definately on Friday, ironically Baby Loss awareness day (I think). She didn't say anything about hyperstimulation, which is great news because last time by transfer got cancelled they were warning me of the possibility at this stage. So filled with hope again. Crazy cycle! Please pray though, have a sore throat and really don't want to get sick before my op!

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Cycling

This Cycle is getting me down.

Not just in the hormones suck and they are making me down, but as in the actual way things are panning out is upsetting me.

It's silly that they are. I am pretty sure things are going almost exactly like they always do. Eggs growing slowly. Likely pick-up around two weeks after I start FSH.

The thing that is getting me down is that there are alot of follicles- maybe 10 more than in the Thumper cycle- though most of them are too tiny to count. Which is scaring me because if I have any risk of OHS they will cancel the fresh transfer and I will have to wait, probably until next year after we move to do a frozen transfer. And because Thumper was a fresh transfer I feel like fresh is the best chance of having a baby...

All in all, a bit stressful.

I wish I'd recorded better what had happened in previous cycles, so I could compare and not be so overwhelmed with uncertainty.

On Friday night, Earl and I went to a dance. It was brilliant. It was the most fun I've had all year. In the excitement of the music and the movement I was able to forget infertility. I think I need more moments like that.

The following day Earl took me out to a three course brunch :) I think he's aware that this has not been an easy time for me and he wants to be looking after me.

So now, I've decided I'm on Gentle Lady Grey time. I'm not going to work to hard. I'm not going to exercise. I am going to eat healthy, but I am going to rest. I'm going to do nice things and buy nice things and make sure I'm looking after myself.

Stim cycles suck! But if I look out for myself, I will get through it. And if I look after myself, maybe there might be a baby in the mix for me too.
LG

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

A white lie

A few posts ago i told a lie. I said i was meticulous about IVF. I'm not! I'm a total scatter-brain.

A week or so ago I commented that I was upset about Daylight saving messing up my social life. I can't remember if Day light saving exists in the states, but basically in Australia, when it comes to summer-time, for the sake of sunnier evenings and not waking up at 5am everyday, an hour is taken away, so that 7am because 8am. Then in Fall, that hour comes back. Now is Spring in Australia.

DLS started on Saturday at 2am. I had set my alarm for 6:20am, since before daylight saving I was injecting at 7:20.

And then,(challenging Miss Clavel from the Madeline books): In the Middle of the night, Lady Grey turned on the light and said "Someting is not right!"



We were loosing an hour?

What did that mean?

I called up my husband (who was studying late at his study desk across the road).

"Earl, if I inject at 7:20 yesterday, what time should I inject today?"

"Earl mussed for the moment and said "8:20"

I said, "No, i worked it out, it's 6:20?"

Earl dissagreed.

I got off the phone. I was so confused. We were loosing an hour, that meant I needed to take my injection an hour earlier..but wait, we loose an hour, time goes ahead so that means...

8:20

I called Earl again to tell him he was right.

He said congratulations and encouraged me that if I had anymore daylight saving insights can I call someone else?

There are so many times when I almost do stupid things.

Almost leaving refridgerated medicine out over night/all day.

Almost forgetting to set my alarm.

Almost setting my alarm for morning instead of evening and vise versa.

Constantly Stressing that I took my morning meds at night and vise versa when I haven't.

But somehow, I have managed, over numerous cycles, to most of the time get things right.

That is not being meticulous.

That is the Grace of God!
LG

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Awkward meeting and who to tell about IVF

This morning I went in for a blood-test. As I was leaving the waiting room I looked up and spotted someone I knew. I was so surprised, so thrown by this that i gave an embarrassed "hi" and bolted through the door.

For various reasons we had suspected that her and her husband might be trying, and might have even been having trouble. They are nice people. We like them and they like us and I suspect if situations and friendship circles were different they probably would have been close friends.

But they are not close friends, and it is strange, walking out of a room knowing we are both doing IVF, with neither of us necessarily intending to tell each other that fact. Yet now we know.

Different people are more open than others about the whole infertility thing. I have friends who are happy as anything to say that their little girl and boy are IVF babies. I have friends who haven't even made it public that they had any trouble conceiving- much less how the conception took place.

Tim and I are somewhere in the middle. If we do have a baby, we would probably tell people about our struggle, because we've learnt so much and we are pretty open people. But IVF is not something we want out-in-the-open.

It is not that we are ashamed. We thought, prayed, and worked really hard to think about whether IVF was something we felt comfortable with Ethically. And we are more than happy with the choices we've made, not the least because we have so many beloved Embryos in heaven, because of the gift of IVF.

It is just that there are consequences of telling people we don't want to deal with.

We do not want to have conversations with people who think it is wrong, particularly because we have children in heaven we love because of it- and those kind of conversations are emotionally tough. We have had one such conversation once and we do not want to have it again!

We don't want to have people judge us or our faith by this decision. We are happy to say we believe that IVF under certain conditions is appropriate, but we do not want people to make rash, wrong decisions about our character because of it.

We do not want to cause any pain to people who have decided for their own reasons that IVF is not for them. How tough for them to hear constantly about other people's success (not that this is our issue yet!)

And particularly, we don't want people to think any differently about any children we have. Whatever children we have through IVF are going to be as precious and NATURAL as any baby whose have not, and we want to leave the decision of talking about how they were conceived in the hands of our kid/s.

And finally, no one else has to talk about the specifics of how their babies came into being, it is a personal matter, and nobodies business.

Of course, it's funny to be saying this on a blog where I talk about IVF all the time. The truth is that we speak about IVF where it is helpful. We have told friends who support us, mentors who encourage us, and family that are there for us.

We have told my parent's but not Earl's, because Mum's support really helps me, whereas Earl just doesn't lean on his parents that way.

We have, in hindsight, told more people than we would like, and the fact is it leaks out accidentally, usually when one friend mentions it to another, assuming we would have told.

But so far, not telling has been a blessing.

Bloodtest today, hopefully Ultra Sound and bloods on Friday.
Praying once again, for a baby. This time one that stays.
LG

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Jumbled thoughts of a hormonal hopeful pessamist

My emotions have been playing round and round on themselves these last few days. I haven't exactly been sad, but I haven't been a buddle of joy either. But there has been lots of thinking I'd like to share with you.

I was reflecting today, it might feel like from my blog sometimes that I am always sad all the time. It's just not true. Today I watched some sport with Earl, went to a friends kids birthday party, and did some fun knitting projects. The truth is, I have a pretty lovely life most of the time, with a really, really hard and painful thing in the middle of all the loveliness.

Thursday was an exhausting day. Blood test in the morning, and good news that I could go ahead with the injections then next day, Yay! That evening I had two big conversations. In the first one, someone was asking me about my plans when I move home in terms of work. I gave an answer. Then she very sensitively asked about the kids thing. Not in a butting in way, just in a sensitive way. And I told her "We don't know if we'll ever be able to have kids". Even after I said it, I was a bit shocked. Normally I am alot more positive when I talk about our struggles. I don't ever say 'ever'. But I think it highlighted some of processes my brain has been going through this week.

I had been musing the day before that often my fear of the "never ever" question overwhelms me, and so it almost feels like I need to face it head on.

Basically, the fear of facing life without kids is almost more overwhelming than facing life without kids.

I wanted to start thinking that possibility through, to perhaps ease some of the fear that had been lurking in my mind.

So I guess all my thinking about this lead me to answer in such a pessamistic way. Which was strange and emotional- to be at the place to say that. Not sad. Just strange and emotional.

Second conversation: I was approached by someone I hadn't seen properly for 8 months. She came up to me to apologise. You see, when I had told her about my miscarriage she had responded, "That's so great that you can get pregnant". It was one of those terrible things to say, that at the time didn't upset me, though I was aware that in a different mood I would have been furious and upset. She had obviously been thinking about it and she apologies. Even though she hadn't upset me, I was so pleased that she was aware of how uphelpful she had been, and wouldn't do such a thing again.

But all in all, it was an emotional day.

And the following day I started my FSH injections. And I felt really positive about this cycle, for the first time since it started.

I almost feel like I am hopeful and hopeless at the same time. Hopeful that this cycle could be "the one" but also aware that we might never have children.

Weird.

Crazy hormonal lady- signing out :)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Hormones, Day light saving and the one time in my life where a period is good news

I am not a particularly meticulous person in general.

I cleaned my house yesterday. It is stunning, it is clean, it is so lovely it looks like someone else's house. And I think why don't I do this more often? But I know from experience that these kind of cleans are few and far between :)

Not meticulous at all.

Except in the one area where I have to be. IVF.

I sat down a few weeks ago to take my lucrin shot. I decided to make it evening, because I was going to be away on the morning of my first shot and it would be a hassle to bring my fridge bound meds on a driving holiday. I decided to make it evening also because my blood-test for pregnancy was delayed a day, and I didn't want to risk the lucrin messing up my system if I was pregnant. This way the day of the test, I wouldn't be taken the Lucrin until after I had the results.

I decided to make it 9:30pm because it's late enough so it doesn't ruin the evening to head home for it, but it's also early enough so that if I need an early night I can take it.

Meticulous.

But forgetting one thing...

Daylight saving!

Come Sunday I will have to be home at 8:30 every night until trigger. The sacrifices of Infertility ;)

Today was a good and bad day. I had been highly stressed because my period hadn't come in properly yet, and I was concerned that this cycle might be cancelled. It arrived this morning. I came bounding into Earl to tell him, dancing round the room. For once my period was a reason to celebrate. Even when I was on the pill, I was always a little sad when it came, so this was a rare and strange day indeed.

The bad thing was that my blood test results were a little high in oestrogen, so I will have to do another one on Thursday to make sure they are low enough to start the stimulating drugs. I was quite nervous, though the nurse assured me the extra test was precaution and their shouldn't be a problem.

I said to Earl, "I'm not normally this hormonal and emotional during IVF am I".

His answer was "Yes. Always".

Thursday, September 22, 2011

When the race to having Children becomes a marathon

I begin the race. I've been told that it is one hundred metres, and though I am a little scared, a little nervous, I think it is only 100 metres so I try to put it into perspective.

Other friends have run this race before, and though there are challenges, they have speed through. I look forward to joining them after the finish line soon.

I begin the race.

It is more emotionally taxing than I expect.

As I run, other begin running with me. They are a little bit faster and I see them cross the finish line. But the strange thing is, I don't. I do not finish the race. Their race is only 100 metres. Mine is longer.

So I keep running. As I run, more people join the race behind me. I welcome them in, but to my surprise, they pass me. And they finish the race. I do not. Must be 400 metres.

And so I continue to run.

Long races are hard work. I am working so very hard. I am putting in so much effort- more effort than those around me have. One foot after the other gets harder when you pass the 400 metre mark. Maybe it's a mile run. I start to feel a little crabby as more people join and finish the race. Some weren't even in training when I began. I feel resentful and angry and I so desperately want to finish the race. I pass the mile. Still no finish line.

Suddenly my old friends, the ones I've started with, decide to run again. Bang, it seems like just a moment and they are winners again.

Some winners are wonderful. They run along side of me after they finish, they encourage me on, they tell me what a good job I am doing. They say that they love me and that they wish my race was shorter.

Others do their victory laps, cheering themselves on and singing "We are the champions" by Queen as loud as they can. Completely oblivious to those of us who are still running.

We are approaching the half marathon length.

Suddenly I see it! The finish line. It's there, right in front of me! Others who have been working so hard, running just as long as me have reached it and I think- Yes, I'm here, I'm finally going to finish the race.

But the ribbon is riped from in front of me. I trip over and sprawl on the ground. I was so close! But I have not finished yet and I wonder if I will ever get back up again.

I do.

Eventually.

I keep running. I keep running and people- hundreds of people everywhere continue to lap me. Those who have been running for a while. Those who have been running less than a moment. My sweat is mixed with my tears.

There are some who have run the half marathon who understand how hard it can be. And I get it. I really do. And I love them for their sympathy and care. But they are finished and I am still running and though I love them it is still oh so hard to be one of the few left still running.

The hard thing is, i don't know if there will ever be a finish line for me. There will probably be, everyone says "Keep running, it will end" but I don't know and I can't know. I might be running a marathon, I might just be running a race that never ends. And there might even come a time when I just can't run anymore and I have to stop.

But that time is not now.

I am running my marathon. It is not the race I would have chosen, but it is the race that I am in. And so I will continue to run, praying to God that one day I will receive the prize that I long for.

A Baby.

LG

Monday, September 19, 2011

The Inevitable Negative

So the pregnancy test was a negative.

As was expected. Inevitable.

It was, of course, that 'just in case' test they do because if you are pregnant you don't want to be pumping the wrong hormones into your system. It was the last chance, please, please,please, please can we avoid another stimulated cycle and just get pregnant naturally test.

It was negative as I expected.

But I still spent most of my early evening walk crying.

Not because I'd lost a baby.

But just because it would have been such a blessing if it had been positive.

But we just don't seem to get those kind of blessings.

And so it begins.

Again :'(
LG

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Not so secret, secret

This week has been a great week mixed in with a little bit of hard. We had a night away and the change in Earl was extraordinary. He is has been so flat out busy with life, so stressed about so many things, and just plain tired. Just one night off has made a huge difference to him. I can't wait to see what a bigger break will do.

Anyway, one of the tough things about this week was going along to a seminar about money, and having the hosts (who are lovely people by the way) make lots of jokes about what a pain kids are. It was soooo tough to sit there and listen, even though it was all tongue in cheek and I know they adore their kids and were only joking around.

After the session I had a person I know come up to me, and just say "Look, I know some really hard and unhelpful things have been said at this conference, and I just want to say, I've been where you've been and I'm so sorry it's so hard and I just want you to know that I'm praying for you".

It was really special.

It was also a bit interesting, because I have never told her that we are struggling with infertility.

It's the secret that is not so much a secret. We've had quite a few people talk to us lately about our situation, usually just to say "I know you guys are trying and we are praying for you". We don't know how they found out. Part of it might be the miscarriage, that people assume that we are trying since we probably were to begin with. And the Miscarriage, while not plastered all over facebook, is a little bit public, and we've never swore anyone to secrecy.

I suspect as well, some people are asking our friends who know. Married for nearly 7 years, kid-crazy couple. It's been hidden a bit because Earl has been studying so some people might think that we are not pregnant so I can work. But realistically, the questions are starting. And to be honest, when someone asks a friend, "Are Lady and Earl having trouble having a baby", I suspect a lot of our friends just say yes. And I don't really mind.

But it's hard too.

I don't know if I want the whole world looking at me, pitying me. I don't know if I want to be 'that' couple. I fear what it means for relationships- as people see us as not potential parents, but as a couple with no kids, with no change in sight.

Sometimes in the light of day I see it as just a journey, and we are part way along it, we don't know how far, or if this journey will last a life time- but we are on it, and we just have to look forward

But sometimes I turn my head and look back at the last 5 years and all my hopes and dreams and I think- this is too much.

Tomorrow I sit for the pre-cycle pregnancy test. Oh how I wish that this journey was ending tomorrow!
LG

Friday, September 9, 2011

The coming Cycle

So what is happening next?

Stim Cycle is starting straight away, although as a Stim cycle that still means pick up and transfer are over a month away. Next week I start on Provera, soon after that I start on my Lucrin shots, and after my period I will start on the FSH.

I am still praying hard that I will get pregnant naturally this month, as I always do in the lead up to the Stim. I am willing to go through another stim cycle, willing as anything, but I am also quite happy if I don't have to! Sometimes I feel silly, praying for these little miracles, but I still do. It could happen, and how I wish it would!

And so it begins again. I am finding it a daunting process, not the least because my last stim cycle was how we got our little Thumper and there is pain and hope all melted together in my heart. I am fearful of BFN and of a BFP- I do not know if I could survive another heart-breaking loss like Thumpers.

Earl feels he would rather have a baby again, even for a little while, than have another BFN.

So it seems the only way we will both be happy is if we have a baby that lives this next cycle.

Please,please, please AMEN
LG

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Better than expected

I realise I never ended up blogging about my conversation with my sister-in-law about my nephew/niece (it is still nephew/niece, the u/s technician at the miracle scan said there was no way you could really tell so early).

My Sister-in-law was coming round to my parent's-in-laws, and then a group of us were heading to visit a sick relative. Earl was out and about, and so it was just us, me knitting away, and she sorting through some admin she had to do. We talked a little bit about bits and pieces, and then I jumped in.

"So, I guess you know when you are due now?"

She nodded with a sad smile "Yes, the 2nd of March. But to be honest, after everything we've been through, we are finding it hard to be excited, we just feel like something will go wrong".

She turned to me with a sad smile "I guess you guys will feel the same when you get pregnant again".

And that was it.

She understood.

Yes, she had experienced a miracle and had the first living-beyond-12-weeks grandchild in her stomach. But she understood and she sympathised.

That lead onto one of the best conversations I had ever had with her. In some strange way, though IF was not her problem, she had glimpse briefly into the window of the baby-lost world, and she had got something of what it meant. And the fear and the jealousy washed away for a moment and I really truly felt happy. Happy for her, and hopeful for myself.

Better than I would have ever expected.

Fear is funny. So many things I work up to. I have spent much of this week feeling fearful about evening church. We now have four pregnancies. It is a flash back to when we were first trying, and four of our friends all got pregnant at the same time and every conversation I joined seemed to be about stretch-marks and strollers. It was terrible, and I wondered how I would get through this week.

I did. I had to leave a few times when conversations in my hearing headed in dangerous directions, but I survived.

Sometimes tough things are better than you expect. As fear for the future fills me, I need to remember.

And below, my first ever non-scarf knitting project. Red will suit a niece or nephew I think :) And both my sister-in-law and mother-in-law were pretty shocked that given our situation that I could make it, so I'm very proud on several counts :)




Love LG

Thursday, September 1, 2011

A new year

Living in Australia, there are a few things that are slightly different than the states. I spent two years living in Wisconsin from the age of 10-12 (my parents were studying there), and so I learnt through trial and error (and a few embarrassing mistakes) that just because we all speak English, doesn't mean everything is the same :)

But one difference was seasons. In Australia, seasons are switched around, and start on the first of the month. So yesterday, the 1st of September, was the first day of Spring.

Secondly, in Australia, the new year is in January. Which it is in the States as well, but in Australia everything (including school) starts in January, because that is when Summer is starting to end.

At my friends wedding on Saturday,a friend and I were talking about how we loved September, and how even though it isn't the start of the new year, that for us, it's a Spiritual start. It's when everything is new, it's a time of hope and promise.

I'm trying to keep that in the front of my mind.

My Therapist, when I shared so many of my fears about the future, pointed out that I just wasn't in a place to deal with those thoughts, to work out the plan Bs if this coming Stim is negative.

She said I need to concentrate on the reasons I had to hope, and then, when I am a bit stronger, then I can think about dealing with things like Christmas/Thumper's last days.

So I am trying to see this as a new year, a fresh start, the Spring where perhaps there is more than just flowers and baby animals who might begin to grow.

I have had a horrible cold, so Spring has not been great so far. But it is early days!


In other news- I was at the doctors for my cold and bumped into an acquaintance who was pregnant. It was a bit of a shock. I went for a coffee with Earl and said, as a rule, I want to hear from you that someone is pregnant, rather than finding out when I see their belly. Earl nodded and then told me of two other people who were pregnant. I felt kind of sick, and then preface my original statement with "But not all in one day".

And of course I got home, went on facebook and found out another friend is pregnant.

Finding out that FOUR people were pregnant in the one day. I think that might be a record.

I was saying to Earl that I am seriously tempted to announce on facebook that no one else is allowed to get pregnant- that its our turn, and that no one else in the whole world is allowed to get pregnant before we do.

Earl gave me a big cuddle and said, "Maybe we will be next. Maybe we will have a baby very soon".

What a beautiful thought!
Please Spring- be a time of joy!
LG

Monday, August 29, 2011

Strong women

It really hit me today.

Last week I was pregnant.

Last week i was avoiding Caffeine, and meanly leaving all the playgroup lifting and moving to people who weren't pregnant, hoping they weren't thinking I was just being lazy. Last week I was a little bit hopeful and a little bit happy.

This week I'm just my normal barren self again.

And once again I'm reminded I need to remember what I am going through, and give myself a break. When this same thing happened last time it took me months to recover. And this time I had big social and family commitments, as well as the emotional roller-coaster of my sister-in-laws pregnancy to deal with.

I'm so scared of the future. The future to me seems this big black hole of horrible pain. There are so many things I am NOT looking forward to. Most forefront of my mind is the anniversary of Thumpers death. The idea of facing that without a baby in my stomach just makes me shiver and shake.

But despite all this, I am a strong women. I struggle away but I am going through things that are really hard. I am a strong women.

And so are you. So are so many of you my dear readers. You have coped with pregnancies and baby showers and anniversaries and birthdays you dreaded. You have coped with BFNs, AFs and 2ww, and other terrible Infertility acronyms! You have held yourselves together at times and you have fallen apart, but you have been through one of the hardest roads a women has to face, and like me you might even still be on it. But you are doing your best to hope and trust and I admire you so much for that.

Of course, we would all rather have a baby than be strong. But even so, its something we need to celebrate once in a while.

I am a strong women.
And so are you.
love Lady Grey

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Only just survived...and a request

Well, the wedding was lovely, and the family dinner to celebrate my sister-in-laws birthday was also pretty good. We arrived late, so we missed most of the baby talk. But I cried all the way home. It's just so very hard.

But I made it through the wedding without crying or falling apart. And Earl coped by deciding that his best mate deserved an awesome wedding day and that he would put his pain and hurt aside and make the wedding about the groom. He is such a special, strong man (Earl I mean, though the Groom is great too). And I think I've discovered a pretty neat trick for coping with my sister-in-laws pregnancy. As I've said previously, I find pregnancies hard, but babies I can handle. So knitting something for my nephew has been wonderfully therapeutic because it makes me think of him as an actual baby, and not as the little bump that is starting to emerge. It's still really hard, but when I have the knitting in my hand, I just feel so much better.

And here is my request.

I feel funny asking this, but I was wondering if everyone who reads this, followers, lurkers, or anyone who just happens on this post, who is a prayer, to pray for me. You see one of the things I am finding so hard at the moment is that my prayers for a baby, my thousands and thousands and thousands of prayers for a baby over the last 5 years have not been answered. And it feels like my prayers don't work.

I know it doesn't really work like that, I know that God loves me and listens and that it is only in my head that I am somehow curst in the prayer department.

But it would be such a comfort to know that there were people, other than me and Earl, who were praying for this next cycle. And as we don't have large numbers of people 'in the non-virtual world' who know about the upcoming cycle- I really would appreciate my IF sisters to be praying. I know many of you pray anyway for me (and I appreciate it so much) but if you could make a special effort in the coming months to remember us regularly in your prayers? I know everyone has a hard road but our road is feeling extra hard at present and it would be such a comfort to know that there were people out there petitioning our heavenly Father on our behalf, that he would finally give us life and not death?

Thanks so much for your encouragement and words. They help so much.
love Lady Grey

Thursday, August 25, 2011

BFN

Today was a BFN. So it is all over, just as I thought it might be. I'm pretty sad about it, but i did my falling apart morning yesterday so this morning I'm not going to badly-considering. But I miss my baby so much. I don't know why it has to be so hard. It seems like so many people everywhere are so blessed and my road just gets harder and harder. IT JUST SUCKS!!!!

Earl is taking it really hard. Please pray for us.

So, it begins again. Stim cycle.

Two good positives though.

It seems to me that our embryo wasn't particularly strong, but it still attached. Perhaps it was the accupuncture? And the first embryo from our last stim cycle was Thumper. So maybe accupuncture plus stronger embryo might actually equal baby? That is what I'm praying.

And the other thing is that I was talking to my counsellor and she said at the clinic staff meeting coming up, she's make sure me and my case are on the list to talk about, so that all the clinic doctors can look through my files and perhaps think of some things to tweak to maybe get it right this time.

This weekend is going to be so hard :'(
Where is my baby God?
LG

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

:'(

Am now getting some pretty heavy bleeding.

So very very very sad.

Seriously, why is my road like this. So very, very hard.

I don't get it.
LG

fsldkjfsldkjflskdjf

I feeling so lost.

Been feeling like vomiting but had the tiniest bit of spotting. Freaking out about the results later today. And I have so much to do today, so much pretending to be happy and perfectly fine, as if my world is not potentially about to be smashed.

Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to get through this day.

And whatever happens, tonight is a bucks party Earl is organising, followed by a wedding where he is the best man, followed by birthday celebrations with his sister which will, rightly, be all about the good news of our nephew, and very baby centric. Where we will have to hold it together and not just be okay but happy.

Sigh.

I asked the nurse who took my bloods, "what shall we aim for?". She smiled and said, "Let's go for 500, why not?".

So that's my aim. 500 beta.

She always manages to make me smile even on days like this.
Small mercies.
LG


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Good news on the Nephew Front!

Feeling a little stunned.

My Sister-in-law called me today to tell me that their follow-up scan was completely normal, no abnormality and no spina-bifida. It is the most amazing incredible miracle. We were praying for this but we still didn't quite imagine that it would happen.

And it's her birthday :) I was wondering what to say since I thought it would be insensitive to say Happy Birthday, but it turns out that it is the happiest day you can imagine.

And I have started a little beanie for her precious little one.

But there is a very little sad, quiet part of me that I don't like to admit that is there which is saying...where is my miracle?

Hopefully it's on Thursday.
LG

Monday, August 22, 2011

Some more thoughts on the SSP and next steps

I have now had nearly had 24 hours to process my SSP.

IT is still really hard to know how to think.

In many ways, I feel exactly as I did before the beta. There is a chance that I will have a baby, there is a chance we will not. There is no finality or answers. It is just a continuation of the unknown.

But at the same time it is also very different, because of what it might mean.

The weird cramps and the unusual amount of bloating has a reason behind it. And whatever happens, we have another implantation. My evil killer Uterus has done the right thing once again. Is it the accupunction? It is the weight loss? I don't know what caused it but something has worked.

This little one was always a slight increased risk of a biochemical pregnancy, because the "baby" bit of the embryo was quite a bit smaller than I've seen in previous embryos. But maybe there is a baby still there and growing, it just needs to catch up a bit?

I don't know.

Praying like crazy. Have to wait until Thursday for my next beta, to see if it doubles or increases to the rates they expect.

But I'm still bloated and still haven't bleed, which is much more than I can say from the last time this happened.

Really praying this baby makes it,
LG

Sunday, August 21, 2011

SSP

I'm making up a new word.

A Small Skinny Positive.

That is what I got.

The beta was 37, when a BFP would be over 100. As the nurse said, it's a mixed result. It's not a good result, but people do occasionally go on to have pregnancies after such low results.

So I really don't know how to think. This has happened before, we had a 20 beta last year. It doubled as it should for a while, but then died out.

I'm not sad, I'm not devastated.

But I'm not happy either. It's all just weird and strange. I really want this baby to survive.
Please pray,
LG

Results in 5 and a half hours

Beta day.

I really don't know what to think. I haven't had any bleeding this time, which has only happened twice (once with Thumper, and my first frozen natural cycle which was still a BFN). I am getting cramps, but they are weird pelvic ones, which my acupuncturist recons could be a reaction to progesterone. But I don't know. I am definitely quite bloated, I am more pimply than normal, but these are all period signs as well as pregnancy signs. Grrrrr....

I don't want to get excited, because with no more little embies from Thumpers batch this will hit harder than it normally does (which is still hard). But its difficult not to hope when with no bleeding I at least feel like it's a chance.

We've talked more with the family about my nephew. The information seems to be from the doctors that it is unlikely he will survive the womb, though there is a chance. They have a scan this week to find out more. Every one's pretty sad. We are with them next weekend, which will be an important family time.

Five and a half hours to go.
LG

Friday, August 19, 2011

Life is hard

Life is hard.

My Nephew is alive, but if he survives the womb he is almost garenteed to be highly disabled. Please pray for my family, and particularly my sister and brother in law. This is a huge, hard deal. And pray for our little nephew. We love him so much, we want to meet him and love him. We realise that being an Auntie and Uncle to a disabled child is a whole different thing to being a parent who cares for them every day and we ache for the hard road that our dear family is facing.

It is so strange that all this is happening in the lead up to a beta. I don't know how to think about it. In some ways the beta is dwarfed by the hugeness of this news. But in other ways the beta seems like a chance for joy and hope in a horrible time. And of course, nothing can take away or distract from the fact that we love this baby and we want it to stay.

Two days to go.
love Lady Grey