"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Thursday, March 29, 2012

2 week wait zipping by

I am sorry friends I have not been very good at commenting on blogs this week. I have not had much time on the computer. I can't really aford this time, but I will briefly indulge because I feel like I should be recording what is happening. After all, i am in the dreaded 2 week wait, and I am thinking lots of things, even if I haven't had time to write it down.

This cycle is so strange. For two reasons. One-day 2 transfer. Two- two embryo transfer.

Number one is weird because for the first 2 days I knew that best case scenario my ebryos were just hanging out in my uterus, growing. Normally with a blastocyst transfer they would still be in a dish, so all this is strange. I'm used to knowing where my embabies are up to! I imagine what is happening, I commentate and pray through it. Now to eight cells my lovelies, now to blastyocist. Start to hatch. It is just weird. Not we are hinting the point where they are either attaching or they aren't. Weird. Just so different from normal.

Plus the two. The plural. It's just so strange to think about it. To think that I'm not just aiming for a BFP, but two heart beats. I flow between dreams about having two babies (which take turns in my heads being different genders, first girl girl, then girl boy, then boy boy), and worrying that one will make it and othe other won't, to worrying if I loose them will it be even hard becuase there are two.

It's all so strange.

All in all I am incredibly positive. It seems surreal that in a week and a weekend I will know the outcome.

Praying for lots of you, going through hard things, going through cycles, going through miracles. I was going to post on your blogs, but I've been hit with a wave of exhaustion. Think it's time to rest. But I'll reply soon.

Love LG

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Three Embryos, two put back

Three embryos, two put back.

I'm a little sad it ended up that small, though I shouldn't complain, the most we've ever gotten is 4 embryos, and we only had one last time, so all in all its still pretty good. And three is pretty good in general. It's just when you start with 11...

Transfers happened. And now we wait. Actually feeling good about things, it feels like this is the right thing to do right now. Praying this is our path to parenthood, but open to the fact that it might not be.

Appreciate your prayers,

Friday, March 23, 2012

Eleven Eggs, and count down to fertilisation report

We have Eleven Eggs!!!

The op was as good as could be expected, I was alot less nervous than I normally am, and when I woke up I could just read my chart at the end of the bed which said 11 eggs. My first retrieval ever I had 3, and I kept asking Earl over and over again, is it really only three, is it really only three. Now I was asking the nurses over and over again "Is it really 11".

I'm aware that because I was more "out" than I was previously, that it could just be that they got more tiny eggs (because before there were sometimes tiny ones that they didn't worry about because it might be too painful to retrieve). But I am still pretty excited. Still feeling quite woosy and tired today, hoping that clear away soon. Earl bought me "The Hunger Games" book to read and I've managed to gobble the whole thing up through my recovery period :)

It has been such a crazy time, such a full on thing, and yet there are things to do, events to go to. I just realised I will be hanging with my friend when they call up with egg results. I would have never done that in the past, I would have nervously sat by the phone with Earl, but I guess we are in a situation where results are likely to be pretty good, or at least, not bad.

Earl has been amazing. Absolutely amazing. IVF brings out this beautiful side of him, this caring doctory, lovey-dovey side. Reminded again I am lucky to have him, whatever the outcome.

Feeling good. Feeling like there is a chance that one of those eleven eggies might make a baby.
Please God!
love LG

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Today is the day, and I'm not anxious at all...

Last night my friend was asking how my IVF scans were going and I told her it was all going ahead (I didn't tell her the specific time, I want the freedom to be able to say or not say what happens).

She was fascinated and asked a few questions about what it was like to inject myself, and how I felt about the op. "You mustn't be sleeping at all" she said, amazed. I struggled and told her that anxiety doesn't generally affect my sleep very much.

But as I lay in bed tossing and turning I realised not only wasn't it true last night, it isn't really true any night right before a pick up. My mind is running at a million miles an hour, and I am too nervous to sleep.

This clinic has two different policies to our old. One, no Earl during the pick-up :( Two: Fast from mid-night until after the pick-up (it was six hour fast at my old clinic). This includes water, so I've been a bit paranoid, I drank most of the glass by my bed at 11:40 (still awake) and then emptied it into the sink so i wouldn't wake up dozy in the night and drink. This morning there was an open water bottle on my desk, I put the lid on and moved it out of my sight.

And my dreams! I dreamed that Earl wanted to go out on the town to celebrate the op, and that we went to a restaurant and ate garlic bread at 2am. I kept telling Earl, "I'm supposed to fast". Earl just didn't think it was a big deal, and I got over it, but as we headed home I began to panic about garlic breath since I wasn't able to brush my teeth before the procedure. I woke up and spent several minutes telling myself that I hadn't eaten any bread, that my breath was fine, and it would all be okay :)

So I guess you could say I'm a little stressed.

Op in Three hours

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Friday it is, and a the weird happy/sad results

Friday it is. We will find out after 3pm what time, but we have the day, I have the ultra complicated adding powder to liquid injection to do, and then we have lift off. The doctor and the nurse are happy with the numbers and size, they seem smaller and less than I remember there should be, so I am a bit lost at how to think. The nurse seemed surprised that i should be worried. Doc thinks there are four good ones, and we might get some of the smaller ones if we are lucky.

Anyway, happy/sad result was not about the scan but about the biopsy and my blood results. Doc says I have (and this is a direct quote) "A text book uterus". Everything was doing exactly what it was suppose to be doing. Doc is ready (as much as you can know in this business) to rule out any Uterus problems.

He then went onto say that it is probably Embryo issues.

Hard to hear just before a cycle.

Of course, the first step in a solution to embryo problems is to change around the stimulation, which is what we are doing. So in some senses I should be happy about that. But I guess I was hoping that there might be an easy fix solution to our problems in time for this cycle, and that is unlikely to be the case.

But this news also throws wide open the Embryo Adoption option.

And even though we would love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love (I won't keep writing it, but you get the idea) for this to work right now, and to get our little half Lady/Earl baby, the idea that there might be an alternative if this doesn't work is a wonderful relief.

Earl was saying, people always talk about babies being "blood of my blood". He said the thing that really appeals about EA is that the baby will share my blood in the womb. That is a really nice image. I think he's a little sad at the prospect of the baby not sharing his blood, but not sad enough not to want to do it.

So here we are. Trying again. Praying for our miraculous cycle. But feeling like babies are likely to be in our future, whatever the outcome.

PS Funeral is day before transfer, on my rest day. So all in all a very emotion packed week.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Clothes and IVF

Today my sister and I went shopping. We went shopping at a big op shop (I think the equivalent in America is Goodwill? But I'm not sure, anyway, second hand clothes with proceeds to charity). Anyway, it was all second hand clothes and my sister is the master of second hand clothes shopping. We went shopping and I tried on numerous things, got lots for not very much, and then went home and got Earl to have the final say of what he thought. Those he doesn't like will end up right back where they started :)

But anyway, as I tried on clothes it was funny because IVF has made me a bit bloated so I have this little belly which seemed to stick out of everything. And I kept saying to my sister, "It's just okay at the moment, but that's because of IVF, it will fit better later".

It was only after I said it that I realised what a weird place I must be in to think like that.

You do IVF to have a baby. That is what it's all about. Yet I am so used to the principle "Hope for the best, but shop for the worst"- that I didn't even think that if IVF works then none of this stuff will fit. And maybe I was shopping where I was shopping because it didn't matter too much. But it was weird, weird to think that my default is not-pregnant, even though I am working so hard for the other outcome.

When BFF got married, I ordered a dress in the size I was. We figured, if I did get pregnant, it would be such happy news, we would buy another one, get it altered or remade. Whereas to take-in a pregnancy dress would be too heart-breakingly hard. I often think of that, that strange "Just in case" discussion. And yet here we are nearly 2 years later and BFF is pregnant and I am not.

I desperately want to be pregnant. But I will not put my life on hold. "Hope for the best, shop for the worst" might not be the most positive state to be, but if I never bough clothes because I was trying, I would be naked right now.

Yes, "Hope for the best, shop for the worst" is best :)


Earl's Grandpa passed away this morning. It's a tough week, but we are glad he is out of pain and with Jesus.

Scan went well. Only a few follicals so they are upping the dose. But it's only day 7 so I'm not worried! Next Scan is on Tuesday, starting the antagonist on Saturday.

The doc I saw today (not my normal doc) thinks that pick up will be on Friday/Saturday next week. I suspect it might even be Monday. I've let Mother in law know (in a really subtle, don't say what it is but hint way) that if the funeral is on Friday I might not be able to go, and she has reasons for an earlier funeral anyway so that's looking not too bad.

But all in all a massive day. I caught up with BFF which was lovely but exausting, and I'm stressed about Earl's work as well.

Earl commented that we are fighting alot more lately, and that we have to work hard at looking after each other. But we don't really know the best way to do that, we can't take away the stress, I guess we just have to work hard at dealing with it better.

I feel like I'm swimming in a sea of stress. Which I'm sure is a great place to be for IVF.

So much for a relaxing cycle :(

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

A normal person bad day

Rough day. Earl's Grandpa just had a stroke. We aren't sure if he is going to make it. It is hard and devastating and uncertain.

My Dad also just got a blood test result back saying his Prostate cancer has picked up speed again. Dad will go onto treatment, and the prognosis and chances are very good, but it's a big blow, and a particularly big blow with IVF in full string.

IF makes life tough. But sometimes life can be tough enough on it's own.

Appreciate prayers.

Monday, March 12, 2012


I haven’t been a very regular blogger the last few weeks. I’ve been far to social in the real world, which probably isn’t a bad thing! :)

Nephew is cute! Very very cute. I adore him so much already. Everytime I hold him I just keep saying over and over again “He’s so cute, He’s so cute”. I think his parents are getting a bit sick of it ;)

Last night I was at their place and I got to do a feed (expressed milk), burp and nappy change. It was so precious. When I was changing him his arms and legs were just so long and little. And it was the first nappy change where he didn’t cry once, which shows he is already a big fan of Aunty Grey!

There were two tough moments. The first was when I was holding him and I thought about our upcoming cycle and Thumper. I looked down at his precious face and I said to my ovaries and uterus See, this is what we are fighting for, don’t let me down! I also prayed with tears in my eyes, “Please God, let me have a little one of my own to hold”. Most people have a stage where they just naturally attach to Children. Earl gets on famously with the 2-4 year olds. Me, I love all ages (and 2-4 is pretty awesome) but there is something about newborns that melts my heart. It’s been so long since I’ve spent time with such a new-newborn and it is creating such an ache in my heart.

Second hard moment was at dinner when Earl’s Dad did a little speech welcoming Nephew to the family. I am so glad that Nephew is here, but it still feels weird and wrong that we didn’t have the first Grandchild coming home.

But I probably should update you on what’s happening with my cycle.

Day 1 was Saturday. I began my injections yesterday. I feel like I am already bloated, though that is probably my imagination. My first scan is on Friday, when they will decide when I should take my antagonist medication, and whether I will have future scans or a trigger. I am working on the assumption I won’t be ready straight away, it’s always taken me about 5 days after my first scan before my ovaries are ready to go.

The timing is pretty sucky! Earl has an interstate graduation on Monday night. I can’t even book my flights until Friday, because I don’t know if I will have a scan on Monday or Tuesday morning. And there is also the slight possibility I might have the egg pick up on Tuesday, which means that we might be flying back home at 6am on the morning of the pick-up! But I’m guessing that earlier timing is unlikely. It’s so silly, the one big event we have on this month, and it falls smack bang in the middle of the cycle!

But if we get our BFP, I won't care in the slightest.


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Nephew is Here

Great News!

Nephew has arrived. I really wanted to write here and say thank you because in that crazy five days where we thought he had Spina Bifida, many of you were praying for him. I am so thankful for your prayers, and so thankful to know that my precious nephew is here and well!

I am so very, very thankful for this Community.

Love Aunty Grey :)

Getting through the dark times

Last night was a dark time.

When I add up all the bits that made me upset, they seem trivial, but it was all real to me. We had invited friends round for dinner, but we are now going to our friends house for dinner, because they have a 1 year old who needs to sleep in his own bed. We love having people round for dinner, and we never do, because all our friends have children. We were both so very disappointed, and it seems to just be one other stark reminder of our childless state.

Earl and I had a little fight about house cleaning. I have been on tender hooks all week, angry and snappy at nothing. I felt terrible about how I acted, and the guilt and the fight were part of it.

SIL went into hospital last night. I can't tell you how excited and happy I have been in the lead up to meeting my nephew. All the jealousy and pain was gone. Until last night. With everything else it was too hard.

But what made it dark wasn't any of those things. It was infertility. I am so very, very afraid. Afraid that this is not going to work. That I can never have kids. I am so afraid of that world. There has actually been alot of press in Australia this week about adoption, about women who were pressured in the 60s and 70s to give up their children. Statistics suggesting that kids who are adopted have terrible lives. I don't believe that is the case, I really don't believe that a child brought up by Earl and I, and with our lovely families, could have a terrible life. But I'm so emotionally raw when it comes to the idea of adoption (because it will be such a long, hard, emotional ride to do it) that now that just seems like such a hard road that I don't know if I'm up to

But I can't see a life without kids in it. I can't. It is too hard. I am so scared of it.

This morning things are better. It is a beautiful day, I am well rested, and my nephew (who I am once again ecstatic about) is likely to be born around mid-day. I secretly relieved I don't have to have the house completely tidy by Friday night. And with the tiredness gone I am reminded of how precious Earl is and how many silly fights he has continued to love me through.

In the dark times, I have to remember that the good times always out way the bad. In the night I have to remember that the morning is on the way!

But it's hard. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can keep myself going through the really hard times?

Two things made me smile last night.

Thumper's Ultra-sound picture. He is the small, tiny piece of evidence that maybe IVF can work for us. I hold on to him.

The other thing was a conversation that Earl and I had a few weeks ago.

Earl and I have just joined a choir. He is a bass, and for the first practice I was a first Soprano. Someone came up to me and said "You better be happy to have a baby, because everyone who joins us a first Soprano seems to have kids very soon afterwards. Your happy to have a baby aren't you?

I was shell shocked, I don't even remember what I said, it was just a classic case of silly insensitiveness.

Earl was horrified when I told him.

But suddenly we both started to laugh.

"We've discovered it, we've discovered the cure for my infertility" I said in mock excitement, "We tried IVF, Clomid, accupuncture. But all we needed to do was to get me to sing First Soprano in this choir! Problem solved".

We laughed and laughed and laughed. It wasn't really all that funny. But it was a poignant moment of Earl and I trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Of learning to laugh. Of making our own light in this dark road that we are on.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

False hope, the internet and how to think

I am really struggling to know how to think about the cycle ahead.

Two months ago, I was faced with one of the hardest doctors appointments I ever had to faced. I was listening to someone telling me that maybe this wasn't going to be in my future.

Now, two months on, that same doctor is giving this a real, red hot go. And I don't know how to think about things.

I said to Earl last night "I am ridiculously optimistic about our chances of getting pregnant next month. Is that stupid". Earl looked at me, paused, nodded, shrugged and said "Probably". I knew exactly what he means. We still aren't super likely to have a baby. But what can you do, hope is something that just is.

Now that we are not looking into genetic testing, I guess my big question is about my uterus. Is it no good. Is there something about it that isn't working that can be changed? In many ways I feel like nothing can be that bad, because Thumper managed to make it to 9 weeks didn't he. But is there something that means that my medically good looking embabies don't make it very far? That's why my doc did an endemetrium biopsy. I will get the results as I'm starting my stimulation scans.

And then I read something on the Internet about how people who have endemetrium biopsy are twice as likely on their next cycle to get pregnant.

More hope.

More, strange, stupid hope. Oh Internet, you mess with us IFers so much!

How should I think? Should I be positive? Is positive realistic?

I don't know.
PS Thanks friends for your suggestions about what to eat/do this cycle, really appreciate it. Lees J- I don't think American DVDs do work in Australia unfortunately, which is ashame because Infertility Yoga sounds intriging!