"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Hormones, Day light saving and the one time in my life where a period is good news

I am not a particularly meticulous person in general.

I cleaned my house yesterday. It is stunning, it is clean, it is so lovely it looks like someone else's house. And I think why don't I do this more often? But I know from experience that these kind of cleans are few and far between :)

Not meticulous at all.

Except in the one area where I have to be. IVF.

I sat down a few weeks ago to take my lucrin shot. I decided to make it evening, because I was going to be away on the morning of my first shot and it would be a hassle to bring my fridge bound meds on a driving holiday. I decided to make it evening also because my blood-test for pregnancy was delayed a day, and I didn't want to risk the lucrin messing up my system if I was pregnant. This way the day of the test, I wouldn't be taken the Lucrin until after I had the results.

I decided to make it 9:30pm because it's late enough so it doesn't ruin the evening to head home for it, but it's also early enough so that if I need an early night I can take it.


But forgetting one thing...

Daylight saving!

Come Sunday I will have to be home at 8:30 every night until trigger. The sacrifices of Infertility ;)

Today was a good and bad day. I had been highly stressed because my period hadn't come in properly yet, and I was concerned that this cycle might be cancelled. It arrived this morning. I came bounding into Earl to tell him, dancing round the room. For once my period was a reason to celebrate. Even when I was on the pill, I was always a little sad when it came, so this was a rare and strange day indeed.

The bad thing was that my blood test results were a little high in oestrogen, so I will have to do another one on Thursday to make sure they are low enough to start the stimulating drugs. I was quite nervous, though the nurse assured me the extra test was precaution and their shouldn't be a problem.

I said to Earl, "I'm not normally this hormonal and emotional during IVF am I".

His answer was "Yes. Always".

Thursday, September 22, 2011

When the race to having Children becomes a marathon

I begin the race. I've been told that it is one hundred metres, and though I am a little scared, a little nervous, I think it is only 100 metres so I try to put it into perspective.

Other friends have run this race before, and though there are challenges, they have speed through. I look forward to joining them after the finish line soon.

I begin the race.

It is more emotionally taxing than I expect.

As I run, other begin running with me. They are a little bit faster and I see them cross the finish line. But the strange thing is, I don't. I do not finish the race. Their race is only 100 metres. Mine is longer.

So I keep running. As I run, more people join the race behind me. I welcome them in, but to my surprise, they pass me. And they finish the race. I do not. Must be 400 metres.

And so I continue to run.

Long races are hard work. I am working so very hard. I am putting in so much effort- more effort than those around me have. One foot after the other gets harder when you pass the 400 metre mark. Maybe it's a mile run. I start to feel a little crabby as more people join and finish the race. Some weren't even in training when I began. I feel resentful and angry and I so desperately want to finish the race. I pass the mile. Still no finish line.

Suddenly my old friends, the ones I've started with, decide to run again. Bang, it seems like just a moment and they are winners again.

Some winners are wonderful. They run along side of me after they finish, they encourage me on, they tell me what a good job I am doing. They say that they love me and that they wish my race was shorter.

Others do their victory laps, cheering themselves on and singing "We are the champions" by Queen as loud as they can. Completely oblivious to those of us who are still running.

We are approaching the half marathon length.

Suddenly I see it! The finish line. It's there, right in front of me! Others who have been working so hard, running just as long as me have reached it and I think- Yes, I'm here, I'm finally going to finish the race.

But the ribbon is riped from in front of me. I trip over and sprawl on the ground. I was so close! But I have not finished yet and I wonder if I will ever get back up again.

I do.


I keep running. I keep running and people- hundreds of people everywhere continue to lap me. Those who have been running for a while. Those who have been running less than a moment. My sweat is mixed with my tears.

There are some who have run the half marathon who understand how hard it can be. And I get it. I really do. And I love them for their sympathy and care. But they are finished and I am still running and though I love them it is still oh so hard to be one of the few left still running.

The hard thing is, i don't know if there will ever be a finish line for me. There will probably be, everyone says "Keep running, it will end" but I don't know and I can't know. I might be running a marathon, I might just be running a race that never ends. And there might even come a time when I just can't run anymore and I have to stop.

But that time is not now.

I am running my marathon. It is not the race I would have chosen, but it is the race that I am in. And so I will continue to run, praying to God that one day I will receive the prize that I long for.

A Baby.


Monday, September 19, 2011

The Inevitable Negative

So the pregnancy test was a negative.

As was expected. Inevitable.

It was, of course, that 'just in case' test they do because if you are pregnant you don't want to be pumping the wrong hormones into your system. It was the last chance, please, please,please, please can we avoid another stimulated cycle and just get pregnant naturally test.

It was negative as I expected.

But I still spent most of my early evening walk crying.

Not because I'd lost a baby.

But just because it would have been such a blessing if it had been positive.

But we just don't seem to get those kind of blessings.

And so it begins.

Again :'(

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Not so secret, secret

This week has been a great week mixed in with a little bit of hard. We had a night away and the change in Earl was extraordinary. He is has been so flat out busy with life, so stressed about so many things, and just plain tired. Just one night off has made a huge difference to him. I can't wait to see what a bigger break will do.

Anyway, one of the tough things about this week was going along to a seminar about money, and having the hosts (who are lovely people by the way) make lots of jokes about what a pain kids are. It was soooo tough to sit there and listen, even though it was all tongue in cheek and I know they adore their kids and were only joking around.

After the session I had a person I know come up to me, and just say "Look, I know some really hard and unhelpful things have been said at this conference, and I just want to say, I've been where you've been and I'm so sorry it's so hard and I just want you to know that I'm praying for you".

It was really special.

It was also a bit interesting, because I have never told her that we are struggling with infertility.

It's the secret that is not so much a secret. We've had quite a few people talk to us lately about our situation, usually just to say "I know you guys are trying and we are praying for you". We don't know how they found out. Part of it might be the miscarriage, that people assume that we are trying since we probably were to begin with. And the Miscarriage, while not plastered all over facebook, is a little bit public, and we've never swore anyone to secrecy.

I suspect as well, some people are asking our friends who know. Married for nearly 7 years, kid-crazy couple. It's been hidden a bit because Earl has been studying so some people might think that we are not pregnant so I can work. But realistically, the questions are starting. And to be honest, when someone asks a friend, "Are Lady and Earl having trouble having a baby", I suspect a lot of our friends just say yes. And I don't really mind.

But it's hard too.

I don't know if I want the whole world looking at me, pitying me. I don't know if I want to be 'that' couple. I fear what it means for relationships- as people see us as not potential parents, but as a couple with no kids, with no change in sight.

Sometimes in the light of day I see it as just a journey, and we are part way along it, we don't know how far, or if this journey will last a life time- but we are on it, and we just have to look forward

But sometimes I turn my head and look back at the last 5 years and all my hopes and dreams and I think- this is too much.

Tomorrow I sit for the pre-cycle pregnancy test. Oh how I wish that this journey was ending tomorrow!

Friday, September 9, 2011

The coming Cycle

So what is happening next?

Stim Cycle is starting straight away, although as a Stim cycle that still means pick up and transfer are over a month away. Next week I start on Provera, soon after that I start on my Lucrin shots, and after my period I will start on the FSH.

I am still praying hard that I will get pregnant naturally this month, as I always do in the lead up to the Stim. I am willing to go through another stim cycle, willing as anything, but I am also quite happy if I don't have to! Sometimes I feel silly, praying for these little miracles, but I still do. It could happen, and how I wish it would!

And so it begins again. I am finding it a daunting process, not the least because my last stim cycle was how we got our little Thumper and there is pain and hope all melted together in my heart. I am fearful of BFN and of a BFP- I do not know if I could survive another heart-breaking loss like Thumpers.

Earl feels he would rather have a baby again, even for a little while, than have another BFN.

So it seems the only way we will both be happy is if we have a baby that lives this next cycle.

Please,please, please AMEN

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Better than expected

I realise I never ended up blogging about my conversation with my sister-in-law about my nephew/niece (it is still nephew/niece, the u/s technician at the miracle scan said there was no way you could really tell so early).

My Sister-in-law was coming round to my parent's-in-laws, and then a group of us were heading to visit a sick relative. Earl was out and about, and so it was just us, me knitting away, and she sorting through some admin she had to do. We talked a little bit about bits and pieces, and then I jumped in.

"So, I guess you know when you are due now?"

She nodded with a sad smile "Yes, the 2nd of March. But to be honest, after everything we've been through, we are finding it hard to be excited, we just feel like something will go wrong".

She turned to me with a sad smile "I guess you guys will feel the same when you get pregnant again".

And that was it.

She understood.

Yes, she had experienced a miracle and had the first living-beyond-12-weeks grandchild in her stomach. But she understood and she sympathised.

That lead onto one of the best conversations I had ever had with her. In some strange way, though IF was not her problem, she had glimpse briefly into the window of the baby-lost world, and she had got something of what it meant. And the fear and the jealousy washed away for a moment and I really truly felt happy. Happy for her, and hopeful for myself.

Better than I would have ever expected.

Fear is funny. So many things I work up to. I have spent much of this week feeling fearful about evening church. We now have four pregnancies. It is a flash back to when we were first trying, and four of our friends all got pregnant at the same time and every conversation I joined seemed to be about stretch-marks and strollers. It was terrible, and I wondered how I would get through this week.

I did. I had to leave a few times when conversations in my hearing headed in dangerous directions, but I survived.

Sometimes tough things are better than you expect. As fear for the future fills me, I need to remember.

And below, my first ever non-scarf knitting project. Red will suit a niece or nephew I think :) And both my sister-in-law and mother-in-law were pretty shocked that given our situation that I could make it, so I'm very proud on several counts :)

Love LG

Thursday, September 1, 2011

A new year

Living in Australia, there are a few things that are slightly different than the states. I spent two years living in Wisconsin from the age of 10-12 (my parents were studying there), and so I learnt through trial and error (and a few embarrassing mistakes) that just because we all speak English, doesn't mean everything is the same :)

But one difference was seasons. In Australia, seasons are switched around, and start on the first of the month. So yesterday, the 1st of September, was the first day of Spring.

Secondly, in Australia, the new year is in January. Which it is in the States as well, but in Australia everything (including school) starts in January, because that is when Summer is starting to end.

At my friends wedding on Saturday,a friend and I were talking about how we loved September, and how even though it isn't the start of the new year, that for us, it's a Spiritual start. It's when everything is new, it's a time of hope and promise.

I'm trying to keep that in the front of my mind.

My Therapist, when I shared so many of my fears about the future, pointed out that I just wasn't in a place to deal with those thoughts, to work out the plan Bs if this coming Stim is negative.

She said I need to concentrate on the reasons I had to hope, and then, when I am a bit stronger, then I can think about dealing with things like Christmas/Thumper's last days.

So I am trying to see this as a new year, a fresh start, the Spring where perhaps there is more than just flowers and baby animals who might begin to grow.

I have had a horrible cold, so Spring has not been great so far. But it is early days!

In other news- I was at the doctors for my cold and bumped into an acquaintance who was pregnant. It was a bit of a shock. I went for a coffee with Earl and said, as a rule, I want to hear from you that someone is pregnant, rather than finding out when I see their belly. Earl nodded and then told me of two other people who were pregnant. I felt kind of sick, and then preface my original statement with "But not all in one day".

And of course I got home, went on facebook and found out another friend is pregnant.

Finding out that FOUR people were pregnant in the one day. I think that might be a record.

I was saying to Earl that I am seriously tempted to announce on facebook that no one else is allowed to get pregnant- that its our turn, and that no one else in the whole world is allowed to get pregnant before we do.

Earl gave me a big cuddle and said, "Maybe we will be next. Maybe we will have a baby very soon".

What a beautiful thought!
Please Spring- be a time of joy!