"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Sunday, January 29, 2012

The Beginning of the End

There is a certain unrest that has settled in our beautiful little home. An elephant in the room. We don't really want to talk about it too much, its easier to just do the things we need to do, to have fun, to distract ourselves. But it is still there. Our IVF appointments start on Wednesday.

In many ways it should be a good thing. Here is another chance. Here is another go. We got Thumper through IVF. Maybe this time we will have a pregnancy that lasts.

But it's hard to be positive after our last appointment. And it's hard to be positive with the process ahead of us.

I think IVF is just wonderful, theoretically. And there are lots of kids who are very precious to me who were created through IVF, not the least my little embryos and Thumper. But it is a hard road when you are long time unsucessful like us.

And it is compounded because our new clinic wants to do genetic testing on our embryos. It makes sense, we know that there is either a problem with our embryos or a problem with my Uterus. Genetic testing is the most advance way to check if the problem is embryo related. BUT ITS SO DARN COMPLICATED. I realise not everyone will have the same attitude as us, but we are keen to give any embryo a chance at life, even if there is something "wrong" with it. While our clinic is theoretically okay with that, it is these appointments where this gets sorted, these where we fight those battles. And we will fight them, but we just wish it wasn't necessary. We wish things hadn't got to this point.

And the possible outcomes. Either nothing is wrong with any of the embryos, and we are left with a faulty uterus (which we might be able to solve, but might not). Or there is something wrong, and we are faced with multiple IVF cycles with babies who are unlikely to make it anyway. Tough. And then perhaps Embryo donation which we are excited about but then again...complicated.

I always want to be pregnant. Every month. But my period is due at any moment and I am willing it far away! Because I can deal with complicated. But I'm sick of complicated. I want normal.

I caught up with BFF, and a mutual close friend, who was visiting from the states. Mutual friend told us she is pregnant with number 2. When my first close friend got pregnant (before we were trying) and I was a bit sad that I wasn't pregnant with her, my bff commented that maybe I would be pregnant with them. Well that has proven not to be the case. And it breaks my heart. I feel so left behind.

And yet...

One of my favourite blogs at the moment is one of a triplet Mum, called "Zero to 3 in 40 weeks" at here. The title always gives me hope. I feel so lost, so forsaken by God, so different from all those around me, who either have babies or hope. But when I see that title I remember that in this fight, things happen quickly. I could have one or two babies this time next year. I could have 3 babies in less than 40 weeks. You just never know.

I just have to keep hoping. Even those these appointments feel like the beginning of the end.

Sunday, January 22, 2012


One of the things I'm finding hard since our doc put a pessimistic spin on our chances is that I feel like I've changed clubs. In the world of infertility there is much variety in people's experinces. There are those at the start of the journey, there are those at the start of treatment. There are those who misscary, there are those who from the beginning can't produce embryos. There are the pregnant after IF and the pregnant after loss and the both.

I've always felt like I fit into many of those categories. But now I really feel like I've moved into a brand new band and I'm feeling quite isolated and lost. The band of the long time IFs who may never have kids. I feel like I am in the process of re-defining myself.

Of course, any people have been trying for 5 years, in the world of IF that is pretty normal. But most people at that stage have not had 12 embryo transfers. I hesitate to even write that number because it sounds so ridiculous, so wasteful and desperate.

One dear friend loves to share stories of friends who get pregnant After 22 cycles or so. I know it's still possible, I believe that God can do everything. But I am slowly staring down the barrel of potential inability to ever get pregnant and I feel so lost

My BFF has another friend doing IVF and she was feeling nervous for her. I had to encourage BFF by saying, we are the freaks. Most people get pregnant in the first year of IVF. We are the tough case. We are the worst case scenario. Almost.

I have such hope for all of you. But I'm less confident about myself. Next week we will start with some preliminary appointments for another cycle. One thing I am hopeful for is that we might get some answers. one way or another.
Lady Grey

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Second choice

In sort of unrelated IF news I have a job!

It's an Christin organisation I worked for before. I love the work, and I love my boss, and his off sider, they are fun and encouraging. And they are so very happy to have me. They know we are trying and that it's not going well, and they are both praying I don't end up taking the job for a baby.

In IF, everything that you do is always second, third, fourth etc choice because No 1 is a baby. But I am excited. Second choice is not a baby, but it is still good.
Love LG

Monday, January 16, 2012

Moving and different attitudes to bad news

Yesterday we began moving stuff into our new place. It was an emotional day, lots of excitement, but lots of strangeness, as I wonder again, will THIS be the house that finally has a babies room.

Yesterday when some friends came to move our stuff, my SIL and I went our for coffee. I had decided to tell both SILs ou
R situation more in detail, so that their would be less pressure to behave normally with baby stuff and baby announcement. Her reaction was ironically the same as Earl's Mum. She was very 'of course it will happen'. She told me of friends who gave up trying, only to get pregnant the next month. She was sure that if we started adopting, we would get pregnant right away. She was sympathetic and lovely and totally naive!

It was so different with my BFF. We talked again yesterday. She really gets it. Though I have to say, it is still tough. We have inherited a desk from them, since there study gets to be a babies room. I will never like our new desk. We are the ones who should have a babies room. Oh Thumper, why didn't you stay!

I won't have Internet at first in our new place, so I might be off grid for a while.
Love Lady Grey

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Holiday and percentages

Tasmania was amazing. It is so beautiful. Sometimes Australia seems so far away from everywhere in terms of travel, but the exciting thing is there is so much to do right here. That was our second trip, to an Island only the size of Ireland, and yet I want to go back and see the things we missed (and our favorite things again)!

There has been a bit of a theme on this blog ( and on others I read) that 2012 is going to be awesome to make up for the disaster that was 2011. I'd made the decision to be positive, particularly on my holiday, because I didn't want infertility to ruin things.

In the end, though the holiday was great, there was still lots of tears.

Before my last RE appointment, I felt our chances of a baby were good. So though I was sad sometimes, I was mainly okay. Now I feel less confident and so my feel good/feel sad ratio has changed.

I felt bad at first, but then I remembered that vacations are as much about recovery as enjoyment, and so I let myself be how I had to be. ANd Earl was brilliant with that.

My old councillor says I've gone too far in the giving-up-hope way, and that was helpful to hear.

2012, what adventures will you bring?

Sunday, January 1, 2012


My hubby and I are off to Tasmania! I'm so excited. We go tomorrow. For 8 days :) :) :) :)

I love holidays/vacations!

I don't know if I will blog. I might, I might not. If I can (in terms of reception), I don't know if I will. I will only do what is best for my mental health.

Because today is the first of January 2012. And I am starting the year off with joy.

Happy New Year everyone! For most people it is just a saying. But as I say it to all of you I actually mean "I am praying with all my heart for much joy and blessing and kiddies in 2012".

love LG