You know I've been totally procrastinating blogging.
Not just that I haven't had time, though life has been busy. But I've sat on the computer and I've had the time. I just haven't wanted to write. I've almost wanted to just push IF out of my head, because to be honest while I haven't been that upset, there's been depression looming around the edges.
It's been a weird week.
Obviously we are in a strange place, dealing with a bfn, but also dealing with the thought of 11 more transfers (or I guess 6 if we transfer more than one at a time). The first week after was weird, because I was grieving but I was also excited about all the little embryos that just might make it. Now this week, I'm not exactly grieving, but not feeling hopeful either.
It's also been a weird time in this blogging world, because lots of exciting, happy things are happening on the blogs I've followed. Which is so exciting! I am so thrilled about "Sometime's" (sorry, I don't know what else to call you ;) ) BFP, and Jesica's little Jett, and the fact that through all the heart-ache of divorce cgd has ended up with the amazing opportunity to adopt some embryos. I am so excited to hear this.
But it's also sometimes a tricky thing as a long term infertile because once again I need to go a searching again to have more blogs to read of people who are in my position. This is the second time I've had to do this, after watching those who blogs I followed when I first started blogging, almost all have babies. It's not that I'm not happy for people it's just...this has been a very long road and I am so tired.
And there's just hard things. Lunch today with friends who are unexpectedly pregnant, lots of babies coming, recovering from July which is always emotionally overwhelming. And the real possibility that despite 11 embryos we still might not have a pregnancy.
So the reason I didn't want to write this post is that all this pain is bubbling to the surface, and now I'm crying.
But there are two bits of good news, which are helping me hold it all together.
The first is that Earl and I are going to have a holiday soon and I am so incredibly thrilled by the idea. It's not that we are going to be traveling far or for long, but just a break together is the most delicious thing.
The second bit of good news is that Earl informed me that Big Sister-In_law told him that Little Sister-in-law told Big Brother-In-Law that they were not planning to have kids for another 2 to 3 years. Which doesn't necessarily mean it won't happen (my life seems cruelly filled with "surprise" pregnancies at present), but it does feel like I can stop panicking about them announcing any minute that they are pregnant. And as much as I would love their kids, I'm glad that I'm not going into 12 months of transfers with a potentially painful family pregnancy in the mix.
So this is my thought. I think it's my turn. My turn for a baby, my turn for a bfp, my turn for a miracle. Next month.
What do you think?