"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12




Monday, December 16, 2013

seven months

Bullet points today :)

-lovely stage. The Count is now so easy to make laugh.  He is such a sweet heart,  with the biggest smile and such big starring eyes.  He is so strong and now bounces up and down on your lap when you hold him to stand. He still flaps his arms and legs when you put him on his tummy,  and he kicks his legs when he is excited,  like when he sees a familiar face or when he realises its time for solids :) He is a big eater and we have started givING him snacks from our own plates which is fun.

Little Sir is still a charmer.  He had the sweetest smile and he will often talk to people or even more his head or wave his arms for their attention.  He has just started waving his hand, rotating it slowly and starring in fascination. He is easily spooked and so needs occasional comforting.

C is very strong but not very Coordinated. He grabs his dummy out then proceeds to bash himself in the face with it trying to get it back in

Sleep at night is tough, but they are so much better during the day. I am in a pretty good place,  so struggling less with the stress of being the primary settler. Though on days where it is just me putting then to bed at night after a whole day with them I feel pretty exhausted. Earl is great but his primary method of getting the boys to sleep is cuddling then in bed which u isn't always convenient.   C about every 4 days screams for 30 minutes before bed. We have no idea why,  but it's more upsetting for others who come to help than us because we know it passes and that it's just a tantrum from an otherwise happy boy.

I bought C a monkey and S a lion for Christmas.  Was hats to find a good set but I went with Jellycat from the Uk, such a beautiful collection of soft toys!

I know that the boys don't know what is going on, but I am loving preparING then for their first Christmas. Every morning we sing a Carol ( I made S cry with the high note from oh Holly night! ). I've bought then little out fits. That live starring at the shiny baubles on the tree. We had fun picking photos of the boys to give to relatives.

I am part of a mums group in my local area and I love it.  We are all so different but United by the same experiences of having babies the same age. I feel very blessed witmy group,  that we ate all keen and friendly and honest about our struggles.   We did a Christmas partywith the nbabies and husbands.

Earl as been overworked and a bit down. Im praying a less busu summer will bring him back to normal fun Earl. But trying to support him as best I can.

I am loving this time and stage.  But Christmas is tied up with thought of Thumper. So tgere are tinges of sadness within my joy.
LG

Friday, November 29, 2013

Sixth Months

(This post was started a while ago- but better late than never)
My boys were six months on Saturday.

Life with my boys at the moment is such a weird combination of beautiful and fun, and exhausting and hard, that it's hard to know how to write about it.  I guess I'll start with beautiful and fun.

So, we have two rolling boys.  It is the cutest thing. Originally Little Sir would roll over and then immediate complain until we rolled him back.  Now he doesn't mind it so much.  The Count LOVES Tummy time so he can be left happily on his tummy for quite a while. 

So often I start making assumptions about their personalities, only to find out that they are actually just stages.  The Count went from very chatty to super quiet, while Little Sir began to talk and laugh all the time.  Now Little Sir is mostly quiet and the Count is cracking us up with the sounds he is making.  He is clearly experimenting, with everything from baby squeals, to quiet groans that make it sound like he has emphysema!  He has started regularly laughing which is pretty cute too.  He favourite things are peak-boo, someone sneezing, and having his clothes taken off.  He is going to be one of those toodlers who you look away from for a minute and they are completely naked :)

Little Sir might have quietened down, but he is still a super smiley boy.  I don't want to jinks it, but I think he's a Mummies boy.  He was sitting on Daddies chest in bed when I lay down beside.  He immediately lunged for me, almost toppling off.  And when I settle him to sleep, I usually hold his unwrapped hand so he wont take his dummy/paci out.  Now he just reaches for my hand automatically.  So cute.

The Count definitely loves his Daddy, he kicks and laughs when he walks in the room.  He is so active, kicking and shaking on his back, and on his tummy he lifts everything off the ground and wiggles like a little turtle.

Solids have been fun.  The Count is definitely ready, he gets so excited when he sees the room coming, and manages to put things away fairly well.  Little Sir is much more cautious, though he always eats a little of everything. hes just started liking rice cereal.

The Count loves: Rice cereal, pumpkin and peas, mango
He dislikes: avocado, sweet potato

The hard?

Sleep


The boys have not been sleeping well. Little Sir gets up at least twice a night,
The Count at least once. They are so hard to settle in the day. I quick sleep training because it was too hard. Now I try to be diligent with their morning naps, but in the arvo when both boys are sleeping it is all bets off.

Ive been very close to being depressed, which is hard for someone whi loves her boys,  and who fought hard for them. I want to be fully enjoying this gift. Vut six months of sleep deprivation has its toll. one morning last week I looked down at a smiling Count and was not looking forward to the day wirh him. That was a red flag that I was not coping.

Since originally writing this post ive been on holidays and am feeling much better.  So nicw to be enjoying my boys again.

But I wanted to record the hard because it is part of this journey.
LG

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Five and a half months

Im sitting feeding the Count at 7 in the morning.  It's been a brutal night.  The boys took turns at waking up and needing settling,  and they both needed two feeds.  It's har to believe that a week ago Little Sir got up once and The Count slept through.  Im hoping this is a growth spurt week and not the new normal.

We went to sleep school this week.  It was really helpful.  So we are now in training.  Im trying to teach my  boys to put themselves to sleep.  Basically,  I put them in their cot and walk away. If they cry, I go in and settle them. If they cry again, I settle again. If they get really upset,  I pick them up and settle.  It can take over half an hour to settle just one baby! It's short term pain for the long term gain of having boys who settle themselves.  But it is exhausting.

The boys are deveopmentaly leaping every week  The count is so strong,  he now loves tummy time and standing. He is gripping things and playing with toys.

Little Sir has just learnt to roll back to tummy and now he wont stop. It's hilarious because if I put him on his tummy he rolls back, but if he gets there himself he cries until I turn himover. He loves pulling out his dummy and he is almost managing to put it back in.

They are both laughing and are constantly charming strangers with their smiles. And their parents too!

I love this age but im exhausted. Hopefully soon we'll get their day sleeps sorted so I no longer need a friend to make my naps happen.

Oh, and this week we are trying solids!  So excited!

LG

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Remembering

This week has been a week of remembering.

A week ago was the anniversary of our bfp. I was all sent to blog about it. But as I was about to I remembered back to when we were still trying and what it was like reading those posts.  The pain of looking back a year at my initial joy for my friend and realising that a whole year had past without any good news for me. So I couldn't write it.

The web is filled with mentions of loss. Because Australia is ahead of everywhere I forgot and couldn't light a candle. But I am thinking of the little lost ones of many of my friends and of course my dear little Thumpet and his embaby brothers and sisters.

My babies. Lost, but not forgotten and not for good.
Love LG

Thursday, October 3, 2013

New names and sleep regression

This blog has always been anonymous.  Not that I have any grand ideas that it's ever going to be read by more than just a handful of people,  but I've tried to keep real names out of things.  But when the boys were born I wanted to share their names because I love them,  and because I see those who do read as a significant part of my story and I feel you all deserve that.  But now that im writing more again I decided it's time for nick names again

At first I wanted tea names, with their real first letters, but the only ones that I could come up with was Spearmint and Camomile which seemed too girly!  So I decided to stick with fancy titles so my boys will be The Count and Little Sir.

Boys are not sleeping well. The Count is struggling with going down at night,  Little Sir with staying down. And they take turns with bad day sleeping.  Im exhausted and discouraged. The Count has had a few nights and one afternoon of melt downs where he is so upset he wont even eat because he is so upset. I have many theories: teething,  sore throat,  over stimulation but of course I can't ask him. It makes me sad because it is so unlike him. Once again it reminds me that so mych of parenting is flying by the seat of your pants.

Please pray for my friend S. She is in the middle of a FET for a second child. Her beta was 50. She doesn't know how to feel,  she is so scared to loose her embabie. Any prayers would be appreciated.

Thanks,
LG

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

a year ago...

A year ago today I went through a medical procedure known as an embryo transfer.  Two embabies, one blast, one murula were placed inside me. Nothing seemed different than our smany others.  But it was different.  It was Connor and Sebastian and these embabies stayed.

I still have to pinch myself.

Can they really be mine?

Tomorrow is Sebbie's Hernia op. Id appreciate prayer.

Lg

Saturday, September 21, 2013

The five minute break

I've been thinking about advice iv been given.

I ll share more in future poss but there is one piece that stands above the rest. I can't remember if I heard it from a nurse first,  but I definitely read it in a pamphlet on how to avoid post natal depression.

If you are feeling so overwhelmed with emotions that you start to feel angry at your baby,  then put your baby somewhere safe, leave the room and have a five minute break.

Most of that time the safe place was Earl's arms (I may or may not have said "tag your it"). Once it was the cot, I left my crying baby in his cot and left the room.  Because the house is tiny I could still hear crying so I would have a five minute shower so I could not hear any cries.

At the moments I always felt like a failure.  But five minutes later I would return to my boys a new Mum. No longer were they little beings that hated me but they were my boys who needed me and cried because that's all they knew.

Showers were so precious.  They were my only real break.  Other times I could be intrupted by cries or an apologetic Earl "I think he's still hungry. "

So as strange as it sounds,  my best advice for mums is to have a break when your not coping.  Because as my Nan said to my Dad when I was his little Sebastian- no babyever died from crying.

LG

Thursday, September 19, 2013

My contrary boy!

Sebastian has a very needy boy of late

I dont know if it's a bad habit from too much time with my parents who are very keen to cuddle if he looks even slightly grumpy,  but the last two days he's been unhappy unless he is cuddled, and even sometimes when he is.  Very exhausting when you have another boy who needs you too. Im grateful that Connor can play on his mat happily,  provided that I am talking to him,  smiling lots and occasionally touching him.

Sebastian is such a charmer.  Whike Connor smiles more,  and they are wide,  he smiles everywhere and not so much at people.  So much so that we were worried about his sight for a while.  But Sebastian stares right in your eye, so you feel like you are his world.  It's pretty gorgeous, and it makes me very tolerant.

Any way,  unrelated to this,  Sebbie has been diagnosed with a hernia and needs an op. Its retractable now but needs to be sorted so it doesn't harm his teste5 long term.

The surgeon was late and Sebbie was grumpy. But when he saw her he smiled.  She wanted to get him to strain so that the hernia would pop out,  and tried to make him cry. He wouldn't!  She striped him naked. Nothing.  She tapped on his tummy.  Nothing.  She dangled him in the air.  He smiled.  She even resorted to dripping cold water on his tummy.

Earl and I laughed and laughed. Our contrary boy.

Earl said "he's got three people staring at him;  of course he's happy.  An extravert, just like his Mum! "

Sebastian is just like me as a baby. And while ot may be payback for my own contrary childhood,  there is part of me that just loves the fact.

LG

Monday, September 16, 2013

Holidays and why twins are cool

Earl and I just took the boys to Sydney for our first proper holiday since their birth.  I was pretty aprehensive. I knew it could go two ways: disaster or awesome.  My parents were joining us for the weekend,  so I knew we were garenteed some help and rest, but was unsure about the rest.

It was awesome. Sydney is beautiful. I lived there for 4 years and am glad to be home in Melbourne now but I tell you, Sydney is the most gorgeous place to visit.  We stayed at Manly on the ocean,  then a few days near the Harbour.

The boys slept well at night.  The time started off with a marriage retreat,  and the boys cried the whole afternoon.  We looked at each other and said "We made a mistake". But that night the boys did 10 and 9 hours!  And for the rest of our time on our own they were great.

Having Earl around was great.  He saw the boys in their lovely morning play and tag teaming made it feel like a break for me too. And I felt like us again. It's strange, things have been a little strained between Earl and I and is the business of normal life I thought it was Earl'S fault.  But with time to process I realised that I was feeling more sensitive thsn normal and insecure because I was tired.  And that was making me feel needy and upset.  And here I was thinking how well I was dealing with the lack of sleep!

So with that figured out most of the strain was gone and we were able to becour usually happy selves.

We went out for food and visited the zoo. And it was better because the boys were there.

People always act a little sorry for me because I have baby twins.  They assume that twins are all hard. They are hard. But it is also double blessing.  Some things are twice the fun.

That was our holiday.

Twice the fun.

LG


Saturday, July 27, 2013

Random one handed musings at 11weeks (and happy Thumper day)

I'm lying in bed listening to Connor grizzle, hoping its a pre-sleep grizzle not a "I'm crying until I get a cuddle" grizzle.

Life is lovely but full.

Some bullet points is all I'm up to at present. I will write more one day, and I have some lovely pics for you of the boys.

Connor has started smiling and it's beyond cute. But not at me, just in general at things around me.  He has smiled directly  at Earl, Earl's mum, and my Aunt. I shouldn't be upset but I am.

Sebbie on the other hand only ever smiles in his sleep except for yesterday when he grinned at me. So precious.

Last Thursday was Thumper day, the anniversary of Thumpers due date. He would be three.  We went out for lunch. It was special, and emotional to have two little boys to celebrate with us.

How do you survive twins? Help. I realised I could technically care for them with out extra help, but with others to garentees my day sleep, to help in the house and to change the boys, then it's a joy. So I am letting go of pride and embracing the help. My folks are overseas and I can't wait for them to get back. My Mum is amazing and I just tread water without her.

The boys change fast. They hated nappy changes, now that they are aware of the mobile above the mat, they love them! They pick different times to sleep, it's always a guess, will they give me he'll in the late evening or 6am to 9am? First Connor hates his bath, then Sebbie while Connor cries when I take him out.

They are cute as anything.

Earl and I are adjusting to parenthood and I hate to admit it but I'm jealous that the boys get most of his attention and affection.  We are working on it though, and I do love how much he loves them.

I worry that my joy is hurting my IF buddies.

I am overjoyed for the if successes I'm following.

I blog everyday n my head and never for real. I can do things with one hand, because I'm either sleeping, feeding, holding a baby, walking the babies expressing or eating. If I'm lucky I shower. I can't comment but I am thinking of you all.

Bf is good, though double feeding is tough. I avoid it when I can because they need so much help latching inevitably they take turns feeding and screaming for food.

Connor is my Connor-bubba, my angel-bear and my gorgie-porgie. Sebastian is my Sebbie-bubba, my Bassie-boy, my beautiful little man, and my pixie boy.

Connor is four kgs and Seb is 2.8. Connor is in 4 zeros, Seb in five.

They are such a gift. I love them like crazy.
LG

Saturday, July 13, 2013

9 weeks- And this was what everyone was talking about

Every so often I will reread my last post and laugh a little.  And feel a little sad.  When I wrote that post Sebbie was waking up every three hours and I was looking forward to him "growing up" and joining Connor.  I was a little tired but I was coping beautifully and I kept thinking "people say twins are doubly hard, I don't know what they are talking about".

Now I do.  The boys are not newborns who only every want to sleep and eat and that is all>

Some night/day combos are brilliant.  Sometimes I'll get my 6 hours overnight and a rest during the day and I feel a million bucks.  I am actually getting to do some awesome things, because the boys seem to love their pram bassinets and noises, we actually go out to restaurants, parties, and other such places quite regularly.  I am having lots of time with our very helpful family and I'm loving it.  And the boys are adorable, I will save for another post just how precious and dear they are to me, and how much fun I have with them.

But some nights I don't get any sleep (I think I've managed 3 last night), the days are spent feeling like all I do is feed, where the messy house that I can't clean drives me crazy, and I just wish the boys will smile because it's so hard to feel like they care about me when the only way they can communicate with me is by screaming.

The hard thing is that they don't seem to like sleeping before midnight.  Sometimes one will, never will both.  Sometimes that time will branch out to 2am.  If Earl is around and available he will cuddle them in bed and I will sleep.  But he isn't always, and as I am not a late night person it gets pretty tricky.

Well, both boys are down so I must take sleep when I can.  Hope I can write about some of the awesome stuff next post!
LG

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Update- 6 weeks

Hi Friends,
THis blog will be a bit all over the place.  I will continue with my stories of the birth and onwards that I never got to blog about, I will write other posts about what I'm thinking and feeling.  But I figure its time for a proper update on the boys and how we are all going.

Well, at the 6 weeks mark the boys could not be better given their start.

I'll start with our big boy.  Connor was born at 2.2kg, and as of yesterday reached 3.2!  He's so funny, despite his small start he's always been fairly chunky looking, and he has the most adorable chubby cheeks.  He has big eyes and the most hilarious expressions, I'm constantly getting distracted from burping just watching his beautiful little face.  He is our little angel baby, already doing a couple of 5 hour stints overnight.  He gets very grumpy when he's due for a change or when he is ready for a feed, but the rest of the time he is placid and happy.  A few people have commented that every photo or every time they see him he is always asleep.  Which is a shame because his eyes are so beautiful. Once he's asleep he's asleep so he gets past around a lot when we are with family and friends.  He is feeding only on breast milk and has one bottle a day, but that's more for Daddy-bonding than anything else, he could cope with all breast feeds if we wanted.  The nurse yesterday said he was thriving!

Sebastian has had a crazy three weeks!  Three weeks ago he was transported to the Children's hospital with suspected either NEC, or a stricture or blockage in his bowel.  He was on a respirator and morphine, was super hungry because he was only allowed food from a drip and didn't look like himself.  It was very heart-breaking to watch, not just for us, but for our families who are already in love with their Grandson/nephews.  Praise God, both of those potential problems were ruled out and we found out he didn't need surgery.  The doctors hoped it was just immature gut, and began feeding him again, but warned us the huge hard tummy might return and it might all begin again.  The beds at the Children's were very tight, so they sent him back to my delivering hospital.  And within a few days he was feeding entirely by mouth, had completely normal bowel movements and was off all his monitoring.

The doctor was thrilled and to my shock, a week after he got back to the hospital he came home.  We still have some follow up appointments, but the doctor doesn't think they will amount to anything.  She said that I had to get out of my head that he was "the sick one", and just think of him as the "well, small baby".  She also said that she had been watching me with Connor, watching me handle everything, and she had no doubt that I was a terrific, calm Mum and that I could look after Seb better than the hospital.  It was such balm for my anxious soul.

Sebastian started at 1.4kg and today just hit the magical 2kgs!  He has been home for a week and is doing so well.  He also is on just breast milk, alternating bottle and breast, but the nurse was happy for me to increase the breast in the coming few days.  He feeds so well, though he never seems as small as when I'm feeding him, because he is just so tiny compared to his brother, who I have been feeding for longer.  He is a bit more unsettled than his brother, which worried me at first but the nurse assured me is fairly typical for a prem (it's fairly typical for a baby really but we were conditioned to think otherwise by his bro).  He loves cuddles and needs to be cuddled to sleep before you can put him down (and even then he wakes up and needs his dummy/paci to settle again).  He is very alert and stares at you so intently in the eye!  Lots of people comment he is like a little doll.  I call him my little pixie, because he often wears pointed hats and actually has a slightly pointed right ear :)

They both have Sandy hair and those dark blue eyes that babies start with.  Everyone has a different oppion about who they look like.  Connor has my olivey skin and Seb is very pale like his Dad and Nanna.

I am doing well.  It's been really nice, my family and various health professionals keep commenting on how calm and confident I am, and how well I've handled the last few months.   My family know that I am a stress head.  But I think after IF and such a stressful pregnancy, as long as my boys are okay then I can handle it.

Earl and I have a joke, because I love being a Mum and deal beautifully with most things, except in the middle of the night.  We joke I'm like Fiona from Shrek, I become an Ogre  when the sun goes down!  I do get very stressed and upset when I'm first waking up, or when Seb isn't sleeping.  But as I stare at them when feeding it all goes away.   This time is just a joy, and I am so very grateful for my boys.

Earl is on Paternity leave until tomorrow, so we'll see how I cope with less help.

And here is a photo as Toni requested :)

 
A few days before Seb went home.
 
Thanks for all your well wishes.  I have been shocking at commenting but am hoping to get back to you all.
love LG

Friday, June 14, 2013

Home!

It's almost too hard to believe, but my babies are home. I'm currently lying in bed next to Earl, who has Sebastian cradled in his arms. It's been so fast. Two weeks from children's hospital to this moment. But Sebastian is well, so well and so ready for this. And so are we.

I have no idea how this will all work. How do you look after twins? But we will figure it out.

Overcome with thankfulness!
Love LG

Ps Will write some more detailed posts when I can.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Birth Story Part 3-HDU

One of the sad things about a C-section is of course that you can't just spend every minute after your child's birth, with your babies.  When they are also in special care, it is even more difficult.  I went up to my hospital room, and we sent a message to family saying to come up to my room.  It was great!  As family arrived we showed them the photo and told them the names.  That way I got to "introduce" the boys, even though I couldn't be there for the actual meeting.  Then one by one our relatives went down stairs to see the boys. 

While they were down, the nurse came and taught me how to express colostrum by hand and collect it in a syringe.  It was a wonderful feeling, to know even though I wasn't with my boys, that I could provide for them.

As the afternoon progressed, a new nurse took over my care.  I had been at hospital for a while, and I found this nurse my least favourite.  She checked my blood pressure and commented that it was too high.  I wasn't too worried, I'd had occasional spikes, but it always went down again.  And afterall, I'd had the boys, surely pre-eclampcia was in my past?

She kept coming back to check.  I was getting annoyed.  She told me my visitors were making my blood pressure go up.  I wanted to snap back that she was the one making it go up.  But one reading even I started to feel worried.  My hospital room-mate had suffered from high blood pressure, and I knew what was a dangerous level.  She had given me a tablet, but it hadn't worked.

Her boss came in to talk to me.  She told me she was sorry but I wouldn't see my boys that night  (I of course burst into tears).  She said the most important thing for them was that I was okay, and at the moment I wasn't. She wanted to put me on Magnesium Sulfate, which should bring my pressure down.  I also needed full time care, more than one midwife shared over 3 other women could offer.  She would take me to birth-suite (where they administered the MS), and then the next day to the High Dependency Ward.

So I said goodbye to everyone and was moved down to birth- suite.  The midwives there were lovely.  The MS, plus all the pain killers did the trick, and even though I was woken up every hour to have my bp checked, I was asleep almost instantly.  Despite constant comments "You need to prioritise your own health", I kept insisting on expressing regularly, and the milk was sent to the boys.  It was the only thing that kept me going, knowing that those I wasn't with them, I was able to look after them through my milk.

The next day was almost entirely horrid.

I was moved up to HDU, and luckily got one more peep at the boys as they took my bed upstairs.  They were now next to each other, and I got another chance to touch and say hello.  Then on to HDU.  Now, even though this ward was especially designed so that each women would have one nurse, I suddenly felt alone.  I asked the nurse, "can I have some help with expressing?", she looked at me and said "I'm not a midwife, I don't know how".  I asked if a midwife could see me, she said "Maybe, but they are busy on their own wards".  I asked when I would see a doctor.  She said "They are busy, when they have time".  Then she left me alone, unless she was checking my bp.

At one stage the room became to move.  I cried out "Help, Help".  The nurse came in and said "Oh, that's just a side-effect".  Oh...well, some notice would be nice.  Anytime I raised or lowered my bed it would happen again.

I ended up calling Earl in tears, and asking him to come in earlier than we had planned and see me.

When the nurse asked what was wrong I swallowed my usual "don't want to cause a fuss" attitude and said, "I thought this ward was about extra care, but I'm on my own most of the time".  She apologised and said she would ring a nurse.

Earl arrived and looked after me, though he ended up leaving regularly to see the boys.  He brought photos too, photos of his first ever nappy change, his first cuddle with Sebastian, Connor with his oxygen mask now a thing of the past.  It made me both happy and sad. 

He also went down stairs and insisted a nurse come and see me.  She taught Earl how to use the syringe so that we could collect the colostrum without a nurse.

A doctor came and told me that they normally keep people on Magnesium for 24 hours, and would probably keep me in HDU for another night.  I wanted to cry.  That would mean no visit to the boys.

But then my doctor showed up.  She said "This is ridiculous, you are doing well, you have to see your boys!".

So she insisted they take me off the MS.  And after 2 hours with no major rise in bp, I was moved down to the ward.  Almost immediately my favourite mid-wife was there to take me down stairs in a wheel chair. 

I was about to see my boys, properly!

LG

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Birth Story- The Op

Did you know my boys are 1 month today.  Crazy. Crazy that one month on Sebbie is still in hospital :(  But it has been an amazing month, despite the drama, and I am so, so very happy that despite hiccups, my boys are actually doing well.

So, one month ago today (I just checked the clock, it is literally one month ago today!!!), what was I doing.  I was sitting on a hospital bed shaking.  Seriously, I am usually a pro at medical procedures.  In my first egg pick up, slightly wonky on drugs, I told Earl "Wow, this is so much fun".  But I am usually not fazed.  But then, usually a procedure doesn't involve having a neddle stuck in your spine!

I was shaking.  Literally shaking.  I kept thinking about our friend who is an anethetist and wishing we had paid him to travel to our state and do this procedure because I couldn't think of anyone besides him I would be comfortable giving this job to.

The compounder of the problem was that Earl wasn't there, and I had no notice of that.  Earl had been asked to dress up in scrubs, and when I asked when he was going to come in they said "We don't let partners in during the spinal, they usually freak out".  WHAT!  The scariest part of the procedure and I'm all alone.  Then I had one of those profound- ops, I'm never alone moments and I started to pray.

The scariest thing was that I had something to do.  I had to bend over and keep still.  What if I moved and my spine was ruined?

The local anaesthetic went in fine.  It hurt for a minute, but then it stopped.  And suddenly all my fear went away.  But I asked again, can my husband come in?  And they said no.

I found out later Earl was outside the operating theatre panicking.  Was I okay?  Would they forget to let him in?

The Spinal went in.  Can he come in yet?  No.  I lay down on the bed.  Can he come in yet?  No.

It wasn't until I was lying down Jesus style (they put your arms out straight, weird hey?), with the curtain up, that Earl could finally join me.

By this point I was no longer scared, just very very excited (I actually started cracking jokes at that point, the nurses said I was one of the most calm patients they ever had).  I was a little nervous for the boys, but had heard their happy heart beats that morning so not as scared as you'd think.

Earl sat rubbing my head, and the anaesthetist (who was in the end lovely) talked us through the process.

And then, with strange sounds like a cappuccino frother, and strange tugging I heard the words "Twin 1 is out".  I listened for a scary 5 seconds, and then I heard his cry.  It was so beautiful I started crying and Earl and I said "It's Connor, that's our Connor".

The cool thing was that the Paediatric table that was set up to examine and care for Connor was actually within my sight on my side of the sheet, so I got to spy him from a distance.  Which was good because I didn't get to see him again for another hour.

At this point Earl got up from my side and went to look at him, he and the Anaesthetist took over the commentary, Earl on how the babies were doing, the Anaesthetist on the procedure.

Then the same sounds and feelings and "Twin 2 is out".  Now that this point I got scared.  My little Dancer, was he going to be okay.  But his cry was almost instantaneous.  That sound, of two boys crying together, was the best sound of my life.  We started telling the team the names, and it felt so nice actually saying them out loud to people.  It was also special hearing people start to talk about them with those names.

At this point, Connor stopped crying and needed some oxygen.  I couldn't believe it.  After everything, it was BH who needed initial help!  But Earl was chatting to the Peds and was very reassuring that this was normal and not a sign of a problem.

Then they began to stitch me up.  Then Earl was giving the choice- would he stay with me or go with the boys.  I had pondered how I would feel, but at that point there was no question.  We both wanted him with the boys.  But before they left, the Ped brought Seb over for a quick kiss.  I told him, "Mummy loves you" like I had a million times in the womb.  It was very emotional.

The stitching up was funny, because the main doctor was actually instructing her registrar how to sew me up.  Again, could have freaked me out, but didn't.  As I sat there, I longed more than anything to hear about the boys.  I didn't have to wait long.  Earl came in, looking as proud and excited as I had ever seen him.  He had with him two photos of our beautiful boys.  Connor was on Oxygen and looked a bit strange (they put it through his nose) and Seb was wrapped in bubble wrap for warmth.  But they were so beautiful.  Earl then ran off to the boys, a sight I would grow very used to in the coming day.

Once I had been in recovering for about 30 minutes, my bed was actually rolled to the special care nursery so I could see my boys.  I got to reach in and touch them briefly, and again tell them how much I loved them.  I was told that I would be wheeled down in a chair later that night for a proper cuddle.  But, things didn't turn out quite like that.

Having a C-section is a scary thing, and isn't what you dream of.  But to be honest, it will go down as a highlight of my life.
LG

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Hiccups

Oh, how many posts I have written in my head these last weeks.  Many happy posts about how my beautiful boys came into the world, all their cuteness and growth.  And this time last week, I thought about writing about my excitement that Connor was coming home, and that Sebastian was doing so well that it seemed certain that he would follow soon.

But then everything went pear-shaped.

In the lead up to the boys birth I read a lot of stories of the NICU world.  How many times did I think that we had it so easy?  Our boys were doing so well!

Last Thursday night, I was staying in at the hospital, with Connor rooming in so I could get used to caring for him.  It was going really well.  At 3am the phone in my room rang and I grumbled to myself because I was worried they would wake up Connor and I was really tired.

It was Sebastian.  He wasn't well.

Several times Sebastian had been struggling with his feeds.  There had been a few scary moments of worrying if he had NEC.  NEC is a pretty serious gut problem common in Premmies, and can have life long consequences, and if not caught can be fatal.  Every time they were worried they would do an X-ray but it came back normal.

That Thursday it was abnormal.

Earl and I, instead of looking after Connor, found ourselves spending the night petrified for our little Sebie boy.

His blood tests weren't bad, which eased our mind that it probably wasn't NEC.  But the doctor did not know what it was.  And so that day Sebastian went to the Royal Children's Hospital so that he could be investigated by the top Paediatric surgeons of Australia.

Two days later, Connor came home.

It's been mad.

The good news is that Sebastian does not seem to have any life-affecting bowel issues.  We still are investigating possibilities, and Sebastian is only now returning to milk, which means that his return home is even more delayed that we originally thought.  But he is well, and the doctors are happy and it is a huge relief.  No body that Thursday would have expected such a good outcome on all his tests.

The other good news is that Connor has been a darling.  Really, life at home has been a delight.  Earl and I are constantly gushing about how beautiful he is, how fun and special.  We love him like you wouldn't believe.  But it does feel weird, we feel incredibly bonded with Connor, and then we go and have our three hours with Sebastian and it doesn't seem the same.  I feel guilty that our boys are so unequally shared between us.  We love Sebastian desperately, and we think and pray for him all the time.  But it's not the same as being able to love him in person, all day, every day.

It makes us even more desperate to have him home.  To have them home, together.  To start this life that we are getting glimpses of but that isn't quite real yet.

I will continue with my birth story.  I would also love to write a post about each of the boys and what they are like.  And I'd love to share about how IF has impacted everything.

But I wanted to update on what has been happening.
Love LG

Friday, May 24, 2013

Birth Story Part 1- the U/S

The boys are wonderful.  They are going really well.  We've had several great days in a row, and Connor is looking like he might be on the cusp of getting bf which is very exciting.  I will write more about the boys and special care in the coming posts, but I thought it was time to start my birth story before it slips out of my head in a wave of expressing enduced exhaustion :)

The day before the boys birth did not start out feeling like the day before their birth.  It was exactly three weeks after I had first walked into the hospital for a check-up and had never been allowed to go out!  But things were looking up.  My blood pressure was perfect, my bloods were normal, and the small level of protein in my urine was still small.  My doctor had kept saying "You've cured yourself!"  And she had given the go-ahead, provided my growth scan was good, for me to go home, and just come in for regular check ups.  After the initial fear had past (its sounds funny, but I had grown to be a bit dependant on the doctors and their daily checks), I was excited.

I don't think it really occured to me that Sebastian's scan wouldn't be good.  Things were just so positive, I guess I just road that wave.  I do remember praying that the scan would be clear, so the doctors could make the best decision.

It was our least favourite U/S tech.

She had actually warmed to us and we had warmed to her, so I wasn't as upset as I had been in the past.   We looked at the boys.  I began to get scared, for though all the health indicators were good, it was clear that Seb was smaller.  The U/S tech told us the weight.  He had not grown.  Not even a little bit.  In two weeks.  The U/S tech excused herself, and I burst into tears.

I think I might have cried to Earl that I was sorry that I had been scared to leave the hospital, but that this was not what I wanted.  I was so scared, so scared for our little boy.  We had heard his heart beat every day, everything had looked good, but why had he stopped growing?  I was so scared.

But God in his kindness brought an Angel.  Named Dr S.

Now Dr S had seen us after our initial scary scan.  I remember saying to Earl "I would trust anything she said".  She had comforted us, she had spoken clearly, she had been amazing.  And in she walked with a smile on her face.

"Congratulations!  Nearly 35 weeks.  You guys should have a Dance Party.

Yes, she really said Dance Party ;)

She explained that while Seb was small, he was mature.  He wasn't a 30 year old baby, despite his size.  He was a 34 year old baby who was small.  All his indicators were healthy.  And given where she had seen us first, at 22 weeks, she said we were in a very good place and our boys would be fine.

I walked out with a smile on my face.  Yes, it was scary to have it pushed forward.  But we had clear indicators that it was time to finish this pregnancy.  And we were going to meet our boys.  I actually felt excited.

Earl took a while to warm up.

Our doctor came in with the news, she wanted them out the next day.  There was a little uncertainty, depending on NICU bed availability, but the assumption was it would go ahead.  I began sending out messages to family and friends. 

Earl hung out with me for the rest of the afternoon.  We talked through the next few days, argued a bit about whether he should cancel his Friday night work commitment (HA- I look forward to reminding him in the future that he thought he could have done work the day after his Sons were born!).  We also talked about our boys, about their names, about how we would tell our family.  It was strange to think it would (probably) be our last night just the two of us.  We talked and we prayed and we cuddled. 

My Dad and my sister dropped by that evening.  It was a special time.  Sis and I just watched TV, but it was good to be together.  After they all left, I had a shower, filled out paper-work for the C-section, then wrote our a prayer.

The prayer I wrote was about everything.  My boys, the operation, but mostly about infertility.  These boys, these miracle babies were about to be born.  I just couldn't believe it.  I don't like to say "it's all worth it", because it down plays the loss, and it never was a garentee while I was in the trenches.  But it is true that these little babies, kicking in my tummy, were worth the six year wait.

I would have loved to go to bed early, and I would have loved it even more if I knew what the next two days were to be like.  But the Midwife (who was awesomely one of my favourites) came in to confirm everything for the next day.  I was to get up and be ready by 8am, because I was number one on the emergency c-section list.

I got to bed by about 11.  I slept well.  I still don't know why.  Earl arrived about 7am, and we sat in my hospital room, and watched the sunrise.  Ready to meet our boys.

Part 2- the Op- coming soon :)

LG

Saturday, May 18, 2013

The roller-coaster that is the Special care nursery

Day 2 out of hospital, day 7 with the boys, I was getting driven into hospital. I was thinking "this isn't so bad.  People told me that having a kid (or two) in SCN is one of the toughest things you'll experience. But it's not so bad."

Ha!

As Earl later described my subsequent melt down of a day (to a few too many friends for my liking!), take hormones and little sleep, then add in SCN and you have a recipe for disaster.

I express at night. And while I mostly manage 8 hours they are interrupted.

I am so emotional. I have always been, but happy or sad tears are always near the surface since the boys have come along.

And the SCN is tough.

I have always been someone with a strong affinity and attachment to place. I know I will look back on the hospital with fondness, because it is filled with beautiful moments and people.  My first cuddle with Connor. Watching an agitated Seb settle in his Daddy's arms. Coming in on Mother's Day morning to find the nursery had given me a plaque from each boy saying "the best start to life I could have is having you as my Mum."  The nurses who loved our boys and cared for us.

But it's full of tough moments. Not only do others care for my boys, lots of others do. Everybody has different opinions on how often I should express, when I can hold the boys, when to give Connor the bottle, how to breast feed, and how the boys like to be handled.  Every day I say goodbye again and I hate it.  I'm constantly making calls about which twin to hold and help.  And at least for Seb, SCN is three steps forward, two steps back.

Today his tummy was big, and he vomited twice.  It was five hours of hell, waiting for the doctor to
rule out infection and NEC.  And though we are relieved he is well, he is back on a drip until his tummy settles, then it's back to 2mls a feed of breast milk until he can handle more (he was on 17). He is so little, and it seems that even out of the womb, as it was on the inside, it is a struggle to get him to grow.

Connor is going amazing. We are accepting the reality that he will come home first. He is strong and happy  and growing and almost ready to feed without a tube. But it's such a contrast, it makes even this progress a source of concern.

Earl and I have talked about our attitudes to the boys.  Connor is a our joy, he is constantly making us laugh with his cute expressions, and whenever we need cheering up or comforting we just pick him up for a cuddle.  Sebastian is our special treasure, we feel such deep care and concern for him, a protectiveness that overwhelms us. He is the boy that wasn't suppose to make it and so we would do anything to make him thrive.  He is also a very easily agitated bub, which adds to our protectiveness and concern.

Some days are great, and they tend to correspond with sleep-filled nights. The boys are so special and I love holding them and can't believe I will take them home one day. That this is just a temporary moment in their long healthy lives.  But with little sleep, it doesn't feel like it.

Tonight Earl will go in to give Connor his first ever bottle of breast milk at 930pm (he get's food from his tube and is just starting to suck at the breast). I want to go with him. But I will stay home and sleep.  The secret to surviving SCN is doing what's best for the boys. Today it was not holding Seb and letting his tummy go down, even though I missed my cuddles. Tonight it's sleeping (and expressing!) so I can make milk well and be mentally with it for my boys tomorrow. Even though being away from Seb tonight, after the day he's had, is tough. But I can bare it if its best for my precious boys.

And in an unrelated IF relevant moment, despite a slow start my milk supply is rocking, even with my PCOS. So happy and relieved, that was a major prayer point for me through this pregnacy!

Birth story one day, I promise!

And here is what you've been waiting for.  My gorgeous boys! Connor is cubby, Seb is skinny :)



Connor's first cuddle with Mummy

 Little Sebastian on Daddy's chest- just 24 hours old
 Sleeping Sebastian
Sleeping Connor

Aren't they beautiful :)

Love LG

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The Boys!

Man I love my boys!

I mean, I knew I would love them, but I'm quite overwhelmed. I think because they are at hospital and I'm at home I really feel it. When I'm away life is off and when I'm with them everything comes together and I feel peace.

I really want to document everything. It's hard because I am so tired. But I will go through everything slowly.

But here are the stats.

We delivered on the 9th of May, due to IUGR of our smallest twin.  At his 34 week scan he had not put on any weight, so our doctor made the call to pull the plug on the pregnancy at 34 weeks and 5 days.  I was put on the emergency Caesar list for the next day. The procedure took place at around 10am.

At 10:20 am approx BH was born. His real name is Connor. He weighed 2.4kg. He came out crying, but after a few minutes needed oxygen.  He was in NICU for about 5 hours where he received breathing help, then was moved to special care. He is very cruise-y, relaxed and sleepy and calm.

At 1022, Dancer was born. He is now known as Sebastian.  He was breathing on his own straight away, I got to kiss him in theatre!  He was a tiny 1.4kg, and had some issues with blood sugar and temp regulation. He is a real wriggler, and fussier than his brother. But he loves cuddles!

They look so different, partly it's size but partly it's just everything. Connor is still prem, but very chubby looking. Everything about Seb is sharper and darker.

Earl is beside himself with love.

They are in hospital but every day make progress.

Birth story next, and some photos soon :)

Thanks for your prayers. I can't believe they are here, not just after the stressful pregnancy but after everything :)
Love LG


Monday, May 13, 2013

They are here and well

Sorry it took me so long to post!

The boys are here and well and wonderful.  I still can't believe it. I told Earl I was worried I'd miss having them on the inside kicking... Not at all, it is so much more wonderful getting to see them and hold them.

They are both in the special care nursery. They are breathing on their own and doing great. I came home today and it was so hard leaving them. But I am so glad they are so well, and that soon they will be coming with us for good.

I have lots to say...but I've been up expressing last night and will be up again tonight, so I better get some sleep. Thanks for your support and prayers. Birth story coming soon :)
Love  LG

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

We meet the boys tomorrow!

Crazy how things change. Growth scan showed Dancer has not grown this fortnight. While he's still looking okay, they think he's better out than in. So I'm booked in for a C section tomorrow.

I've had one final steroid shot. There is a little chance we might wait a day if there is no NICU beds available to us, but tomorrow is most likely.

Please pray. We are nervous, overwhelmed, but also crazy excited. We get to meet our boys.

Don't know when I will update. Will let you know when I can.

It is nice to have a clear cut decision. This is the very best for them.

I don't know what else to say. Super frazzled.

Boys will be 34 weeks and 6 days.
LG

Monday, May 6, 2013

34 and 4

I'm not sure howI got here. Either are the doctors. As they keep telling me, pe should progress, not regress. But that is what is happening.

There is even talk of sending me home. I'm both excited and a bit nervous about that, weird to go from 4 hourly monitoring to every second day.  But it would be worth it to be home with Earl. And if tomorrow's growth scan goes well, we will book in for a 36 week Caesar.

Just Unbelievable. It is still possible that the pe will pick up and we will deliver sooner. But even so 35 weeks is more likely than not. And maybe even take home babies.
Unbelievable. Praise God!
LG

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

The rapid approach of 34 weeks

If someone had told me, nearly two weeks ago, that I would be less than 48 hours away from 34 weeks, that my boys would be kicking away at the ipad as I wrote these words, that my doctor would be talking about whether next week we should be thinking about delivering regardless of how my pe is going because 34 is a good stage for the boys, and Dancer might grow faster on the outside...well, it would feel like a happy impossible dream. But here I am.

It's been hard to update, when Earl is here, I don't want to blog on his ipad, I want to talk with him. But I thought it was time for some news.

The roller coaster continued. Over the weekend bloods suggested my pe was getting worse, and doc said that if I had another high reading we would deliver Monday/Tuesday. My panic was short lived, for my bloods were great! Dopplers, CTG, blood pressure, everything suggests my pe is slow moving. So my doc will talk on Friday (34 week!!!!!!!!!!) with her team and decide if we pick a delivery date. So it looks like next week might be the week.

Everyone has been amazing. Dad visits every day. My mother in law and sister in law put together what would be my hospital bag. My BFF keeps offering me random baby stuff. Facebook is a sea of well wishes and prayer.

I get bored, but I don't care. My boys are growing and we are almost 34 weeks. It's remarkable!

My belly is huge, my GD is really annoyed (hypo-ing regularly). I'm sleeping okay. Weight is 84 kgs- 16 up. I crave anything with spices because hospital food is so bland. Boys move all the time, and have reputations for being naughty because they move so much when we measure their heart rates! That is my limited update for this week :)

Thanks for your support!
LG

Thursday, April 25, 2013

33 weeks :)

Yes, you heard it here first! We made it to 33. I am so amazed and thankful. Hospital stay is now 9 days in. Blood pressure is down, boys are still happy.

Dancer is now at 10th percentile. But my doc is satisfied that while he's still growing and having good dopplers and CTGs, that he is better in than out.  Now 34 weeks seems a real possibility. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, I keep imagining we make it even further and keep the boys out of the special care nursery but I think it's important not to get my hopes too high on that unlikely outcome.

Hospital is weird. I love the midwives, they take amazing care of me.  I have been having lots of lovely visits from friends and family. My room has a gorgeous view, and it's nice having regular updates on the boys. That's the good.

The bad? The food got old very quickly. I miss so much. Everyone else is cleaning my house (okay, that good!). And Earl and I only see each other for a few hours a day. That is the worst. Particularly because when I'm a bit freaked out by slow heart rates or a doctor says things and I don't know how to read it, I miss him! I'm used to this being a team thing and hospital is a lonely place.

But I'm so aware how lucky I am.

My room mate was just diagnosed with pe at 28 weeks. I can't even imagine it. I feel so bad. I'm going well, feeling great, my boys are well, and I'm surrounded by friends and family. I feel guilty that not everyone has such a good go with this.

Thanks for all the well wishes. I'm sorry I can't comment on your blogs. I'm so psyched about D baby B and Ready for my turns twins. I'm praying for those of you finding it tough.

33 today, what a miracle!
LG

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Waiting game

With nearly 48 hours of processing, life is feeling a little less crazy than it was on Friday.

We are now 32 weeks and two days, and so far blood pressure and protein levels are stable.

I'm getting used to being in the same room all the time, and being on what is functionally bed rest. It is a beautiful room, bright, with a lovely view out the window. Earl and I got permission for him to take outside in the wheel chair, which felt like the most amazing date.

I am over hospital food. Mum and dad are in charge of bringing me some interesting dinner. My sister in law has already bought me some new maternity clothes and some bath products.

Boys hearts and movement have been perfect. The big question is dancers growth, which we won't know until Wednesday.

The doc says, there is no planning possible, because pre eclampsia can turn so quickly. I'm telling Earl to stay close, I'm terrified I will need an emergency Caesar before he gets there.

We did a tour of the special care nursery. Such little babies. Made it all seem real. But everyone is so positive given their age, and so I am feeling better and better.

This morning I was woken up by a beautiful sunrise. I thought "one more day, they made it one more day". And I thought about what the Bible says, about God's mercy being new every morning.

And I was happy.
LG


Friday, April 19, 2013

Big week and the impending arrival

I don't know really how to start this post.  I guess I'll just try to explain all that's happen over the last 48 hours.

On Wednesday morning we went in for our routine dopplers and CEG scan of the babies.  I had actually been feeling really ordinary, including a little bit of blurred vision.  I thought, better safe than sorry, and asked for a blood pressure test.

It came back a little high, and so the nurses decided to keep me at the hospital for the afternoon to see if it went down.  They also got a sample of pee so they could check for protein in my urine.

Earl went home at this point, neither of us were worried, and we thought he could pick me up afterwards and get some work done.

That afternoon at about 5pm they admitted me to hospital for a 24 hour urine test.  My urine had contained protein and they were worried about pre-eclapcia.

It was the strangest thing.  To go from the routine trip, to suddenly being put in a hospital room with no real information of when you would get out.  And for all the worries about the boys to suddenly move to the background and it be me that might be the problem.

Yesterday (Thursday) was a nightmare.  Not only was I collecting Urine, having regular blood pressure tests, and seeing a million people, they kept doing CEGs that didn't work.  Not that the babies were in danger, they just kept moving or not moving at the right time, and they struggled to tell the difference between the two twins.  I had 7 different "attempts" at CEGs (CEGs are where they put little paddles on the belly to measure the heart rates.  They can take 10 minutes but both mean they that it often takes 30-40 minutes).  My last CEG was at 12:30 at night.  I was so over being there, it didn't seem like anything was wrong, and I just wanted to go home.

But this would not be the case.

At about 3pm this arvo, I was officially diagnosed with pre-eclapcia.  So I am in hospital until these boys are born, and the doctor we saw today is guessing that will be Wednesday.

Basically, both me and Dancer are ticking time bombs.  Some time, most likely in the next week, one of us will be struggling to the point where they need to deliver.  So, we have made it to 32 weeks, but it's unlikely we will make it to 33.

I am incredibly overwhelmed.  I don't know how to think.  I am so glad the boys are getting  the care they need, and in some ways 32 is what we have always been aiming for.  But it is still huge, huge to think about our boys being out 5 weeks before term, and spending their first months in NICU.

Please pray, both for me and my boys.  Pray that we are all as healthy as we can be, and that when ever the boys come out is the best time.

I will do my best to update.  It's hard because I don't have internet on anything but my phone, I'm just writing on Earl's ipad right now.

Keep thinking of us and our boys.
love LG

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

That point when your body starts complaining

I've reached that point.

That point where my body starts reacting to the fact that there is one extra baby in there.

Earl commented today, I've done pregnancy pretty well. I've had some stresses, but I've been happy and healthy. But starting yesterday, on my birthday, I began to notice things.

Hip pain.  Aches that are present most of the time and not just the end of the day.  Heart burn that came out of no where, not the heart ache kind but the fire in my throat.  Belly just starting to feel too big.

I feel like I'm in twin land.

It's funny, I will be having scans every two days, excluding weekends where the gap will be three days. I wondered about updating.  Do I say on this blog. Do I text family members? Maybe I'll play it by ear.

But so far so good. My first scan, on my birthday, and they looked great. And so I tick off another week.  Because even if tomorrow's scan show we need to do something, we'll still make 32 weeks on Friday.  32 weeks. Every day counts.

It's weird. Life is kinda on hold. On hold until the next scan/test.
And I'm happy with that. Stay in boys, heartburn and everything!
LG

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Random thoughts coz I feel like blogging

While we were away on holidays, my snoring got too bad for Earl and he ended up sleeping in the other room. And even after we got home, that first night (just after we got alarmed by the doctors call),  he went and slept on the couch. I was devastated. I have this weird thing about separate beds, like it's a form of rejection. Anyway, on Saturday, after talking with the nice doctor, and hearing what we had to do for the boys, I realised I was going overboard. That a well rested Earl was good for the journey ahead, and I was being over dramatic. So I said to Earl, you do what you need. But last night we lasted the whole night in the same bed. I think now my cold is gone I'm a little bearable again!

Our time away was so needed. We've been very appreciative and lovey dovey since our return.  It's been a hectic, stressful, hormonal time, and it was nice to be reminded how much we love each others company.

So, I had my second steroid injection today. It's strange, I have read three different triplet blogs, so I've always know about these precautionary measures. I think I had in my head a night in hospital ad an IV drip. A big scary deal.  But it was so simple, just a needle. 3 years of IVF I guess these things don't phase me.

The nurse warned that I might get some high blood sugar readings as a side affect of the steroids. They have been Crazy high! I've put my insulin up for now, but am going to ask the diabetes nurse for advice.

My friend who has been dying for a kick finally felt one.  These babies are so loved, by so many people.

I've been reading lots of forums on 32 week twin births. I know I could find it super tough to be separated form my boys if they go to NICU. Trying to be optimist but prepared "alert but not alarmed" our doctor put it. My dad talked with a friend who used to be a neonatal nurse, and was very relieved to hear the positive prognosis, particularly with the steroids.

I am excited and nervous but strangely not afraid. Oh, and tomorrow is my birthday.

My first birthday with my boys. Amazing!
LG

Friday, April 12, 2013

What a difference a good doctor makes!

Well, the good news is my boys have rock star heart rates. The midwife wanted resting and active and they did us proud.  Weirdest discovery, what I thought was BH kicking was actually Dancer head banging! The humorous side of overlapping twins.

We also got a lovely doctor come and explain things to us, and that has made the world of difference.

Basically, she has warned us that our twins are unlikely to make it to term. She encouraged us to reset the mark in our minds, that if they make 34 weeks that is awesome.  And every week we get is good for the boys. They are monitoring three times a week (heart rate and dopplers) so that if one gets distress or struggles, then there is plenty of time to get them out. She has given me the first dose of steroids, not because she thinks they are coming out tomorrow, but because it can only benefit them to have their lungs ready to go.  Next dose is tomorrow.

If you told me Thursday all this, I would have been devastated. But after all the stress of yesterday, I will take this. Of course I don't want my boys in NICU, but if that is where they will be healthiest, then that is what I will prepare for.

Earl asked about whether we might be told after a scan that they had to come out right away, the doc said unlikely. She said its more likely to be, in three days time we will book your C section.  This also relieves me, it just sounds like we will have notice for anything that might happen.

Strangest reaction. My mum in law. She is excited! Her grand boys could be only three weeks away. She is such an optimist!

I am also optimistic. My boys are such great fighters. I believe they have a few good weeks of health ahead of them, before we need to think through alternatives.

Love LG

More Monitoring :(

Well, we've reached 31 weeks today.  But it's hard to celebrate.  It has happened again. We had our scan on Wednesday and our technician assured us (after we found out the doctors were all away) that it was fine, that she wasn't worried at all, that everything was good.  Earl and I went straight from the hospital off to a two night getaway to the beach.  We had some phone reception issues, but generally we could get messages, so I figured if the hospital needed to contact us they would.

And so tonight, in the middle of bathing some girls we were baby-sitting, a doctor from the hospital called, wondering why we didn't respond to any of her messages.  It seemed she had left three messages on my phone, but for some unknown reason they didn't come through.  She had wanted me to come in to see the doctors this morning, but I had missed the message.  She now wants us to come in tomorrow (Saturday) to some foetal monitoring and to talk to the doctor.  She said the discrepancy between the boys had grown and they needed to monitor more.

I said "the U/S tech said everything looked good".  She didn't have any answers, except to say sometimes it takes a while for the radiologist to write their reports.  She said they would confirm tomorrow, but I will probably need to come to the hospital three times a week to get the boys checked out.

I don't know how to feel.  It's obviously not a good sign.  I wouldn't say it's a bad thing, obviously they are doing this so if something goes wrong they can pick it up and get these boys out as soon as needed.  But there is nothing more overwhelming than being told from a scan that everything is fine to then be told from the same scan that everything is NOT fine.

My poor Dancer.  I keep reminding myself what Toni keeps saying in her comments, that he is a fighter.  And again, this is not because his fluid or heart-rate or Dopplers are bad.  They are all good.  It's because he is so small.

Today could have been such an awesome day.  After beautiful time away, we came home and Mum came round and we set up the change table, and moved the furniture to make way for the cot.  We put more clothes away.  Our house is getting ready, and I was so happy.

Now I'm off to the hospital again.  And I am so afraid for my boys.
LG

Monday, April 8, 2013

30 weeks... and a half!

What a difference a good nights sleep makes!  Despite the usual pee breaks, and a rather disturbing dream, I managed to sleep most of last night and it was lovely.  Feeling so refreshed and ready for a day of cleaning and hospital bag packing.  I'm still not entirely sure what to pack, and Earl has my suitcase, so it's actually going to be packing my laundry basket, but it's a start!  The doctor from my last ranty post said it was worth having a bag packed just in case, and I think I'm okay with that.

Anyway, today is actually 30 weeks and 4 days, which is more than half way through, but I do want to keep documenting so here goes!

How long? 30 weeks and 4 days.  If I deliver bang on 38 weeks, that's only 52 days to go!

Weight: 83.3 on the hospital scales.  That suggests I've put on 1.8 kg in two weeks.  The dietician said anything from 0.60 to 0.9 a week was good for 2nd trimester.  I assume it's still good for 3rd?  Anyway, putting on a little bit more makes me hope that Dancer is doing his thing.  We are really hoping he will make 1kg by tomorrows scan.

Bump: I had my first "Wow, it's huge" comment this week.  It's been fun watching the shape change depending on what the twins are doing.  Dancer has a habit of sticking his back into my tummy so that it's lop sided, while BH sticks his little bottom out the size.  So cute.  I am sadly getting to the point where my maternity Jeans belly bit doesn't want to stay up but keeps slipping down. I wonder if I'll have to buy some new stuff to get through the last month or so?

Movement: BH moves away, and has now been felt by Earl, Sister, Mum, Dad, and a friend.  I feel bad, because another friend has been really hoping to feel movement, but he always seems to sleep when she is around!  Earl has felt Dancer once, and I've seen him move from the outside a couple of times.  Dancer is not as active, which still freaks me out at least once every two days, though there is always something.  Is it position?  Is it size?  I don't really know, but every time he gives a kick or moves around I throw a little party in my head.  BH is still head down, and now I feel movement down there which just feels weird!

Sleep: Last night was heaven, which makes me think maybe my cold (which is starting to go away, yay!) might be the main cause of my insomnia.  We will have to see.  I left my big maternity pillow at my parents, but maybe that's a good thing, because my little throw pillow under my belly seems to be doing fine, and it's less awkward for my frequent turning.  It's the end of Daylight saving here, so I've been going to bed earlier and getting up earlier too.  Naps are so very necessary!

Mood: Still a bit edgy.  Sometimes I feel fine but alot of the time I worry.  I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow's scan, because I know Dancer was healthy last Thursday, and so all we really need to know is if he is growing.  I'm telling him to, not sure if it helps :)

Mobility:  Am the biggest clumsy kluz the world has ever seen.  Seriously, I drop everything!  Which is interesting when picking things up usually involves going down on all fours.  I can still walk around quite well but I just get too tired.  And every hypo I've had seems to be linked to walking to much so I have to peg it back.  Really missing big long walks, looking forward to picking that up again when the boys are on the outside :)

GD: Again, not to bad, though I did have a hypo on Sunday.  Watched several cooking shows on the weekend and now have a hankering for a good Aussie Meat Pie.  Might have to wait on that one :)

Food: Realised I've slacked off on the veggies and fruit.  Made a big salad yesterday, and bought some fruit (oh, but I'm so sad that the summer fruit is ending!), so I think I'm doing better in that regard.  Still enjoying the milk and yoghurt.

Snoring: Earl actually recorded my snoring on his ipad.  It is very bad.  He and my sister had a big discussion about it (turns out I snored on my weekend away, didn't know at the time).  I really am as loud as he said.  Oh well, he's getting alot of fun out of teasing me about it so maybe that makes up for his sleep troubles!

Overall, I still can't complain re symptoms.  And I am just so conscious that sleep and pain and food and GD and mobility are all nothing if my boys are doing well.

So I would appreciate people's prayers for my scan tomorrow.
And yay for 30 weeks :)
LG






Sunday, April 7, 2013

A weirdly emotional weekend

Well, we have reached 30 weeks.  I've been hanging out for this time for so long.  But the truth is, it's been a really emotional weekend.  Not necessarily bad, not necessarily good, just emotional.  I'm a little bit more nervous for my boys than I was, though it comes and it goes.  But I should explain.

As I stated in my last post, I had been in the hospital on Thursday, had a cold and had not slept well on Thursday night, and woke up on Friday to 30 weeks, and my first trip to the hospital without Earl.

Earl was instead catching a train and a bus to the airport, to fly to Sydney for 4 days.  It is a kinda work trip, but with lots of lovely catch ups with our old Sydney friends.  I know if I had gone it would have been too much, not just because its too far along for me to fly, but also because social things tire me out.  But I was still sad to be missing out.

I arrived at the hospital, and I didn't see our doctor.  Now just to explain, for the last two appointments I had also not seen my doctor, he had been on holidays.  But the day before, waiting at emergency, I saw him walk past and heaved a sigh of relief because he was back, and with him back we could finally start talking about the next 8 weeks and what they might involve.  He also knows our history, and I trust him.

But when my name was called it was a new doctor.  She was nice.  But I didn't know her.  I didn't trust her. And I was so disappointed she wasn't our normal doctor I was already feeling a bit funny.

She did the heart beats (perfect) and checked my blood pressure.  She asked about the emergency stay and saw that everything was good.  Then she looked at the last scan.

"wow, one of your babies is very little" she said.  I tried to explain that he had always been little, that the U/S doctor had not worried because it was such an unclear scan, but the doctor was still concerned and said "We might need you to start coming in for two Doppler's a week.

I felt ill.  It wasn't that I definitely thought there was a problem.  It's just that every health professional I had seen in the last week and a half had not been worried about Dancer and suddenly this doctor who I didn't know was worried and I didn't know how to process this.

She went on to say that it was clear that even if he was small, he was very healthy.  She said that I could scan on Wednesday, and then if he hadn't picked up, then we would move to more monitoring.  I couldn't read if she she was worried or not.  I couldn't BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW HER.

As I left the room she said "See you soon" and I wanted to yell back "I don't want to see you soon, I want to see my doctor".  I knew when I went into this that as a public patient I wouldn't always get my doctor, but with twins they do their best for you to see the same person.  I'm just scared that they are going to switch me over.  I was a bit teary by the time I booked my next appointment, so I didn't think to specifically ask for my normal Doc.  But I'm going to get my more assertive Earl to go through and ask on Wednesday before our scan.

Anyway, I called Earl in tears.  After he calmed down (I always freak him out when I call in tears), he didn't sound too worried, and it made me feel better.  But I just kept saying, "I needed you there"  I needed a second opinion, a comforting hand, someone to help me deal with the news.  Over the phone just wasn't enough.

I started putting myself back together, and was about to get in the lift when Earl called me back.  He was in a panic.  He had brought his keys to the airport, when we needed them to get into the hall we hire for church.  So he asked me to drive to the airport and pick them up.

Now remember, I was already tired, already emotional, and now I was facing a 2 hour round trip to pick up some keys.

It was not a good day.

Thankfully, I had organised to spend the weekend with my parents.  Dad came and picked me up after I got back from the airport.  I talked to Dad about the appointment and felt better.  I got home and Mum set me up on the couch with some lovely low GI snacks she had made especially.  My parents live a little way out of town in a beautiful house on a lovely big block of land.  The house just speak to me of holidays.  It was just what I needed.

Saturday was spent relaxing, eating, and sorting through baby clothes.  My parents are so excited and none of us ever get tired of talking about the boys.  And I began to calm down.  I don't know what will happen to my boys, whether they will need an early exit or if they will stay in.  But as Dad said, all you really care about is what's best for them.  And we will make that call.  Yes, if they come out early they might need special care.  But isn't that so much better than the alternative?  And afterall, we are thirty weeks.  With a little special care they should be fine.

Dancer also decided to have a very active Saturday/Sunday, which was just what I needed.  He is no way as active as his brother (and he is in a less conducive position for kicks), but he is moving.  A healthy but little baby.  That is what I keep telling myself.

So was it a good weekend?  Yes, I think it was.  But it was also an emotional and stressful one.

Earl is back Tuesday night.  I'm so glad that is our last time apart before the boys arrive.
I'm just not very strong on my own.
LG

Thursday, April 4, 2013

All the little things

Well, I'm thirty weeks today. I realised it at about 4am, when my insomnia was too frustrating and I got out my phone to play. Not the song and dance I was expecting. It has been a frustrating 24 hours. But it's all little things, and 30 weeks is a big thing.

I was having a great week. Maternity leave was both restful and productive. My sister got to feel her first kick.  And Thursday was set aside for a little house cleaning and time with friends.

But I had a bleed yesterday morning.

Everything was fine. We had ultra sounds, heartbeat checks and a cervical exam to prove it. But we spent 8 hours in the hospital waiting. It was a busy day, with several serious emergencies, so we kept dropping down the list.

After this, we came home with fifteen minutes until our dinner guest showed up. It was a lovely night, and a helpful excuse for take out, but I was so tired when she left.  Around that time, I checked our regular doctors appointment, and realised it was late morning, so Earl would need to be at the airport for his work trip instead of the doctors.  My first doctors appointment without him! And last night Earl and I both felt sick, and so couldn't sleep. It's the first bad cold of the pregnancy. I don't know if last night was because I'm sick, or stressed, or if its just the new normal for this pregnancy, but sleep was not my friend.

But regardless, we are at 30 weeks. 30 weeks people! With both babies looking happy and content to stay. I just can't believe it.

What is a rotten day and night compared to that!

LG

Monday, April 1, 2013

IF glasses

I do my best not to have IF amnesia through everything. It's difficult sometimes, particularly as I'm just so excited about the boys. But it's funny how when people make insensitive or naive comments I realise  it's just not possible to totally forget.

Not that it's the same. Comments that would have sent me home crying just feel me with frustration or exasperation. The sting is gone to a certain extent and I don't ever want to forget or take that for granted.

There are two relationships where this has been bubbling away.  The first is a girl I'm, for want of a better word, mentoring. She is young. Not just young in age but in outlook. She and her husband are telling everyone that she is going to study, then have a baby after this year. She has even hinted it on Facebook!. Earl has already told them off for that one. She is fascinated by the twins, and keeps asking for advice. She is stressing about maternity clothes and people touching her not even existing bump. I keep waiting for the perfect "in" to talk about how unhelpful her attitude is, but it hasn't come. But I need it to, because I'm growing resentful.

The second person (or people) are my brother in law and his wife.

I've talked about them before. Not quite as public and naive, but still planners who think they have it all figured out.  There comments before the twins really hurt. There comments now, well, to be honest, maybe because I've known my BIL for ten years and because I still see him as a little teenager, sometimes I just feel like he's just a little kid who makes me laugh with his naivety.

They are going overseas for a wedding.  It's in May, so I hope they'll be back for the boys arrival.  SIL talked about how it's probably their last chance for a spontaneous trip before kids. This irked me a little, but not too much.

Then BIL got excited. See, he works for schools and so has more time off than his wife. He said to her, when your home with a baby, we can go on holiday adventures every school holidays. This is naive on about five levels- but of course, the possibility of IF was at the front of my mind, as I reflected on how often I had thought that when I was working and Earl was a student.

I don't want to be ungracious. After all, it was a very naive LG who started this journey. But now i see the world through IF glasses. And sometimes I wish I could just say what I think to them all.  "You think IF wont happen to you? It happened to me. Why do you assume you get a smooth road?"

But I never have the guts.  I hope you all had an okay weekend, and that no ones April fool joke were insensitive.
LG

Friday, March 29, 2013

29 weeks, and getting prepared

This was one of those, I can't believe I'm here weeks. Next week will be the same. 30 weeks just sounds so serious! We are both relieved they would be okay arriving now, but also desperately encouraging them to stay put.

Our normal doc has been away and I can't wait to see him on Friday. It just feels like it's time to make plans and I have so many questions! Will be good to talk things through.

Yesterday was weird. As I've probably said before, I work part time and volunteer part time. Tuesday was my last "work day", and yesterday was my last volunteer day. I'm so excited, I've been waiting six years for this moment- but it does feel very strange. Particularly as I'm at least starting off SAHM, so there is no set plans of return. I'm sad about the relationships that are ending, though it is for the best reason ever!

Maternity leave has been this juicy carrot at the end of a busy and tiring two months. But I realise now I'm here, there is much to be done. The house is still not organised, the baby clothes need washing, and there is various bits of paper work to do. Not to mention baby shopping! So I'm setting the aim of one task a day. That way I can get the rest I'm suppose to have, but still have things ticking off my list.

On to the update!

Far along: 29 weeks, one day

Weight: find out next week at hospital

Bump: I love it! My BFF reckons I look 40 weeks now. It is still very pointy and cute. It's hard to imagine bubs will double in the next nine weeks, so I don't think it will look normal for long. It gets bumps on it depending where the boys are pushing out. (I had an friend  ask me what's the secret to looking so good in pregnancy. I thought it was a weird question.. I'm not blowing my own horn, I just think it's weird how you cant predict how you will look.  I'm not naturally skinny or anything. But i guess pregnancy just works with my body shape)

Position: BH is head down on the right, Dancer is transverse across the top/middle (he moves positions a bit).

Movement: harder to tell who is who with there overlap, but always get at least a few kicks that I know are from each of them. No days this week where kicking has stressed me out, so very thankful.  BH is still very strong!

Sleep: many anxious dreams, as well as a slightly comical mid night search for Earl's ipad which he though someone pinched (it was just in our room). If I wake properly at night I struggle to sleep again, so try to keep pretty low key with my pee breaks.  Finally moved on to body pillow. Earl is not a fan!

Pain: finding occasional pain below, think it might be just pressure on my pelvic flours? But not all the time. Right shoulder gets pretty stiff. Back hurts for half a minute after being in one position too long. Overall, can't really complain.

GD: surprise, surprise- hit 28 weeks and suddenly my blood sugar levels go up. Not surprised, and insulin increase seems to have helped. Overall good, but suddenly, Inexplicably craving sugar again. Don't know why, but trying to think of ways to deal with it.

Food: pretty good. Still dairy crazy. No constipation which is just awesome!

Oh, and it would be remiss of me not to admit that Earl is reporting lots of snoring!

Mood: anxiety back a bit this week. Partly think I'm worn out. Earl has said "your overtired, go to bed" so many times this week.  I get scared about lots of things, and wonder how I will handle two.  But I get excited too, so how I am just depends on the day. I also get scared about how my relationship with Earl will change, when I'm sharing my energy among the three men! Earl's answer is always the same, we will just figure it out when we get there.  Good advice I think.  He is such a champ, I'm so excited to parent with him.

Next week is 30 weeks. Can you believe it. Can't believe in 9 weeks we've gone from so hard to so good!
LG

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Scan

The good. News is all the reliable indicators are good. Fluid, Doppler, and after some prodding with the wand, movement. The doctor seemed happy. Both boys were on a good trajectory, although Dancer dropped to 15 percentile. But the boys are overlapping, so it was hard to measure so Doc reckons she wouldn't worry about that.

But I do worry, I want everything perfect!

But as Doc said, it is a 28 week scan, which means my bubs (with some steroids) can survive out of the womb, so even though they don't look like coming early, if they do it should be okay.

She said to rest and enjoy them while there in. She has twins herself, and spent more time talking about that than the scan.  She said her husband told the babies every night to sleep while in the womb, and they were great sleepers.

Earl said to the boys "don't worry about sleeping times. Just concentrate on growing."

Amen

LG

The Baby Shower

It was wonderful.

When I got home Earl said "Did you have a terrible time?  Was it awful?  Did you have no one to talk to?"  He was joking of course, so confident was he that I would have a blast.

As I think I've previously stated, it was organised by my Mum, my sister, my two sister in laws and my bff.  In the end it was mainly my sister in laws and my sister, with my Mum catering up a storm.  It was that perfect mix of relaxing and active, everyone who came had a good time, no body was stuck eating baby food (except the babies).  It was the best baby shower I had ever been to and I was so touched that people worked so hard to make it happen.

The theme was Noah's Ark, and Mum had made not only fruit platter rainbows, but even rainbow punch!



There was plenty of diabetes friendly food, but also some pretty awesome treats for those who could eat them.  My Mum even made her own profiteroles from scratch, who would have thought she could do that!

 
My Sister in laws were in charge of entertainment.  My sister had the idea of decorating onesies (Gilmore Girls inspired!), but SILs made it happen.  Everyone did such a good job.  And there was a twin related quiz which was really fun.  It was really a case of gifts working together.  My sister was an awesome "general" to the team, and worked really hard on the day to welcome, to assist, and to enter on her lap top every present I got and who it was from. I am going to print out pictures of the boys to go with the thank yous.  Well, my sister is going to do it for me, I think I'll have my hands full :)



It was quite a big party, alot bigger than your average Baby shower.  I never had a Thirtieth, and as I thought about who I wanted to invite, it was pretty extensive.  I wanted extended family (although when my Aunt pulled me aside for the 10th time to tell me advice about something, and then proceeded to tell Earl's cousin her baby wasn't dressed warm enough- I had my misgivings ;P), I wanted old friends and I wanted new friends.  I was really happy to be with so many different friends.  One of my good friends couldn't come because she was flying interstate that day, but she made me this cake.  Isn't it fabulous.  The animals (and Noah) aren't icing, they are toys for the boys :)
 
I love how loved our boys are already.  Everyone was so excited, and we now have so many things.  There is still a bit of purchasing to do, but my hospital bag won't take much more to pack, there are cloths that cover the next year and a bit, and I have enough wraps and bibs for two!
 
When I walked out the door I said to Earl  "I'm pregnant, with twins, on my way to my baby shower."  It's just one of our now almost daily amazed conversations.  How can we be here?
 
Tomorrow is another scan.  I admit, despite a day of enthusiastic kicking, I still get nervous.  Keep cooking my darling little men!
 
LG

Friday, March 22, 2013

28weeks, time for a Happy dance!

28 weeks! I can hardly believe it. Only ten weeks to go max. It feels so close. And some of you might remember, 28 weeks was the Mark our doctor gave us for Dancers adjusted viability. So it seems extra special that he's made it this far. Of course, now our expectations have changed and we want them in for the ten weeks. But my anxiety levels have dropped and I'm really, truly believing that I will have two precious bubs to hold soon.

This week , despite the stress of Sunday, has rocked.

Some highlights:
-cots ordered and paid for
-pram chosen
-helpful antenatal classes
-work beginning to wrap up
-both Earl and I growing in our excitement
-my pre-scan happiness returning
-an awesome time away with my sister and Mum
-baby capsule (I'm renting) confirmed, to be delivered on my birthday!

Today is my baby shower and I am so excited!

On to the update

How far along: 28 weeks, one day

Weight: 81.5 on the hospital scans, which I will use as a gauge from now on. That means about 12kg gained, and 2kgs in three weeks which is right on track.

Bump: Earl said to me the other day, pregnancy just suits you, which is just lovely to hear when your wondering if your still attractive to your man! Dancer is lying traverse just above my belly button, giving me a pointy bump! Still get the whole "your not very big for twins"! I feel huge though!

Movement: I describe BHs kicks like someone playing a timpani inside my belly, where as as Dancer is more like a fox darting about. They both move every day and it's such a comfort.

Mobility: bending down is hard and I really need some slip on shoes now that the weather is colder. Going to try to shave my legs today which should be interesting! Earl politely suggested I do something about my "snail trail" but I said he'd have to pluck it himself coz I just can't see it!

Sleep: good, though hanging out for maternity leave (in a week!) so I can have a nap every day!

GD: a few hypos but overall great. My physician was so pleased she's moved to seeing me once every four weeks.  Sick of packing snacks but I guess it's good practice for a few years time.

Food: loving dairy right now!

Names: doc we saw yesterday said he is very confident that BH will be born first. Which is bad because that means we might have names for each boy. I've even slipped up and called them their names in my head. But have to keep it a secret a bit longer. Incidentally, I will put their names on this blog, at least temporarily. I want all of you who have ridden this ride to at least get some photos and their names!

Baby shower wrap coming soon!

Love LG