"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Saturday, December 29, 2012

All the little worries

I wish there was a way that we could not be afraid.  But I just don't know if that's possible.

I haven't had as much movement since that first Christmas feeling, and even though I have tiny feelings that could be movement, I can't be sure and so the worries surface.  Yesterday I again felt that same movement again, ironically it seems to come after a big meal when I'm sitting in a certain position.  I haven't had many big meals since the GD diagnosis, so it explains it somewhat.  But when I stop worrying about having movement, I start worrying about where it is.  Wondering why Dancer is so strong but Big Head I can't feel. I know its positional more than anything but that doesn't mean I'm not scared.  Oh how I long for a few deep, hard kicks.  I'm praying we have little soccer players and kick boxers who are very keen to tell me soon "We're here, We're here".

Earl is the same.  He is obsessed with the bump.  He constantly wants to look at it, trolls around me like I'm a sculpture, trying to work out has it grown or stayed the same or gone down?  For him the bump is the proof that things are going okay, it's the only proof.  And so if he thinks its looking big, he is happy.  If he thinks it's small, he is concerned.

I worry about my cervix.  I don't think I would have even thought about it if not for IF.  I read of women getting their cervix length checked.  My doctor hasn't even taken a peek at my cervix (though the U/S techs have).  Is everything okay down there?  What if it's not?

Most of the time I'm fine.  But every so often I just get overwhelmed and scared.

GD is another avenue for fear.  Have I hurt the babies by eating to much sugar early on in the pregnancy?  Now that it's being monitored I get occasional scares when I have a high reading (which totally sucks because I'm being so good.  How was I to know how much sugar they put in pasta sauce!! I wouldn't find it so frustrating if I just had something truly naughty and delicious!).  I worry that something will go wrong.  I called the diabetes educator and she assured me it wasn't a big deal, that I'm learning what to do.  She was so relaxed, that so was I.

I wish I had someone like that for the rest of my pregnancy.  Someone I could just call and say "Help!".  Someone who could put up with my stupid fears.  But my care at the moment, though from a very good doctor, is fairly sporadic.  It will pick up like crazy once we get past 20 weeks, because that is where things can go wrong with twins.  This is the "safe" time.  This is the time to enjoy, to relax, to appreciate the energy and the lack of pain and the things that will seem so precious when I'm 32 weeks and a pain ridden whale.

But I am a worrier.  And 6 years of IF treatment have not helped in that department.

But as I sit here, I feel the slightest movement.  And I feel better.
For now.
Love LG

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

IVF twins, and the unexpected question

Earl and I have made the decision not to be public about our IVF.

I've said this before on this blog, but I'll say it again: it's not because we are ashamed.  We are very happy with our decisions, we made them in good faith, and we don't feel the need to justify to anyone.  Dear friends and family know, and are supportive of our endeavours.

Our main hesitation is that a) most non IF people don't understand IVF and might judge or say unhelpful things b)We wanted any kids we have to feel free to talk or not talk about their conception c) This business already takes a private thing and drags it into the medical field and we just don't think its ever any one's business how a baby is made!

But when BH and D came along, I assumed that the question of IVF would come into the picture.  Most people I knew who had twins or triplets through IVF, get asked by random strangers about IVF.  Wouldn't I?  I even had an answer, and had given it to people who knew about IVF who we thought might be asked.  "Lady and Earl have had some infertility treatment, but they would prefer to keep the details private".  And my Dad at least has been asked the question by a few people that he knows.

But with the exception of my (slightly nosey) Aunt, not a single person has asked me about IVF.

They are ask a different question.

"Do twins run in your family?"

And I really struggle with that.

Because as much as I don't want to tell people about IVF, I don't want to deceive them.  But the irony is that they do!  My Great Grandmother was a twin, and so were my Mother-in-law's cousins.  So the answer is yes, but I feel like I'm lying to people when I say that.  And that is just not me.  I am normally such an open book.

It's just strange.  Things that were so private are now being aired and I just don't know how to handle it.  I hate deceiving people.  Earl, and even my Dad, say "It's no bodies business, why do you care?".

I think part of it is, these twins are just such a miracle.  They are more than just a weird gene, and even more than just a double embryo transfer.  Only people who have ridden the journey with us, who have seen us cope with so many BFN, who know how weird and amazing it is that even one of our babies is still alive, much less two.  And I feel sad that the rest of the world doesn't know that, though there is no real way to explain it.  Even if we did, I don't think people would get it.

I am still happy with our decision to keep things quiet, but I realise that secret are complicated and I just have to deal with it.

But you know who will hear the story?  Our babies.  I can't wait to tell them.  They will be sad when they hear about Thumper, and the other babies that didn't make it.  But they will be amazed at the story.  And hopefully, along with everything else in their life, it will give them a small window into how much their Mummy and Daddy wanted them and love them.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all my dear bloggy friends!

I realise that Christmas is not a merry time for all of us, but I pray that it will be a time of family sensitivity, great food, and lovely gifts.

It is hard to know where to start.  I've composed many a blog posts in my head over the last few weeks, but in the craziness that has been Christmas there has scarce been a moment to sit at the computer and write.   There is so much to tell, but much of it probably needs to be saved for other posts. I have been keeping up on all your posts, and thinking and praying for all you this Christmas, whether it be prayers of thanksgiving for beautiful BFPs, or ones for comfort during another tough Christmas.

So, bit of a pregnancy update.

I am 16 weeks on Friday.  The weeks are flying by.  Week 14 had its challenges though.  Because of the twins, my PCOS, and my insulin resistances, my doctor decided that it would be good to move the Glucose tolerance test to week 14.  I did the test on the Monday, and got the call on the Tuesday that I failed.  Having gone to the hospitals information session- and knowing my risk factors, I don't know how I ever thought I'd pass, but I did hope for the best, and I was pretty upset to add this to the risks of the pregnancy.

The info session helped.  Basically it reassured me that my babies will be fine, and of course that is the thing I was most anxious about.  Provided I do my bit, it shouldn't be a problem.  I have to check my blood sugars two hours after every meal and when I wake up in the morning.  That was kind of fun and interesting...for the first day!   Now it seems like a real hassle. And it made Christmas a bit tricky as I bypassed the many lovely treats, many of which I had baked myself.  But as Earl reminded me constantly, this Christmas we have our babies, who cares about food?

My bump is slowly growing, and maternity pants are the only ones I can wear.  I went shopping with my sister to up my collection, and then the darling went shopping for some more gorgeous outfits for my Christmas present, when she was State-side for a wedding.  Clothes in America are a third of the cost of clothes in Australia, so it was a good deal all round.  I had one person on Christmas day at church comment on my pregnancy who I think no one had told.  So while it was a bit rude, it was kind of exciting to have got to the point of being obviously pregnant.

Hormones are still a problem.  Christmas Eve I totally lost it when Earl didn't want to get to his family Christmas party early.  I was on starting nibbles, and was so upset when I arrived and everyone was already there.  I also got really grumpy at another Christmas party, where family members kept frustrating me.  I hate it so much, I hate that such a happy thing can make me such a monster.  I spent much of Christmas Eve praying that I would hold it together for Christmas, and I'm very thankful that when it came to the actual day, it was all wonderful.  In fact, I would probably put it down as the best Christmas ever, and one of the best days ever.

Probably the most exciting thing about yesterday was that I realised without a doubt that the weird feelings I had been feeling were definitely baby moves.  It is such a relief, because as Earl and I keep saying to each other- how do we know they are still okay?  After so many early scans, this weird period of no contact is just strange.  I don't know if we would have a Doppler if we had a midwife, but our care is all doctor and he seems very much about information in our sessions and not about checking me out.  After 20 weeks we will move to 4 weekly scans, so that is comforting to know, but this month before our next scan is strange.

But the movement sure helps!

I can definitely feel Dancer, s/he is pushed up against my ribs, so after a big meal I just sit back and feel the strange tickles (it really does feel like bubbles under my skin).  Every so often  I feel a lower, less obvious movement which I hope is Big Head.  It's tricky, position wise it makes sense that Dancer would be the main contributor, but I just want to know for certain they are both okay.

Do these fears of loosing them every go away???

And starting today, my awesome Earl is joining me on the Low GI diet.  He wants to loose weight, but he also wants to support me, and that is so very precious.  But he definitely made the most of it on his last day of "freedom".  I don't think I've ever seen someone consume so much Gingerbread in a 48 hour period :)

I can't help thinking back.  Two years ago, Christmas was "celebrated" 3 days after we found out Thumper was dead.  Last year, it sat in the dark shadow of our doctor telling us we needed to start accepting the fact that we may not ever have genetic children.

This year everything basked in the crazy, almost impossible to believe reality that I have two babies still growing in my belly.

I feel very humbled and thankful.  When I look back on the last two Christmas, I wonder how I coped.  But God cared for and sustained us through the darkness.  And now he has given us this gift.  I am so very aware this Christmas of his goodness to me.  And when I sing the Carols and I hear the Christmas story again, I am overwhelmed with humility at his grace.

For so many years I've been thinking "It's my turn".  But now I am so aware that I didn't earn these babies.  They are a gift.  A pretty spectacular Christmas gift.
Much love to you all,

Sunday, December 16, 2012

The world knows and its really weird

I've been very absent.

I have some excuses.  I have been away, with only internet access on my phone, and I am yet to work out how to get my blackberry to post anything on blogger.  I've been reading up on many blogs, but been unable to write.  Things are going fine, as far as I am aware the babies are still around, they are definitely making a sizable bump, and I am grumpy and hungry (more about that later).  But it is a weird time, because there are no scans until 20 weeks and we are just going by faith that all is well.

The world knows and it's weird!

We did the Facebook thing.  I still don't know if I did it well or unhelpfully, but I basically said what we said in our text to close friends.  "We are expecting twins in Late May/Early June.  Very thankful to God and for those who have been praying for us".  Don't know if its as explicit about IF as it could have been, but in the end that's what we went for.

Earl and I feel very mixed about the whole thing.  On the one hand we are very aware that our news can be painful to dear friends we care about (although all our known IF friends have been super excited and supportive).  On the other hand, and I feel embarrassed to admit this, it's actually been so special and fun.  Watching the comments, the surprise, the excitement.  It was really precious.

It's strange because everyone is fascinated by our news, regardless of if they know our history.  Twins are unusual and weird and exciting, and so everyone, even total strangers, are just so interested in us and our twins.  Those who have been praying, those who have seen our heart-breaking wait, they know just what a miracle these are.  But even others are thrilled.

Sometimes I love it, and sometimes it's weird.  I barely believe that come May I will have two wrinkled, wiggling, beautiful bubs to hold.  It seems weird that the rest of the world knows and believes it more than me.  I feel very on show, and after nearly 6 years of silent IF struggles, it's just bizarre to be publicly discussing things.

I've been away for nearly 8 days on two different conferences.  It was crazy, tiring and fun. I was away with Uni students, and they were so happy and excited about our news.  One girl spent the whole conference saying "Hello Lady, hello babies", every time she saw me.  The second conference was with Earl which was far better.  I missed him so much.  But it was all exhausting, not necessarily physically (I'm resting when I can)  but mentally.  I would love a day off from thinking but with Christmas coming it's looking fairly unlikely.

In terms of symptoms, I have a very noticeable bump.  If you didn't know me you might still think I wasn't pregnant, but if you do, it is very obvious.  The other main symptom is hunger and grumpiness.  I am so moody.  Most days I will have a fall apart cry, and lately my patience has been so very thin.  I snap or snarl at Earl and I hate myself so much for doing it.  And it makes me mad at myself, because I have been blessed so much so I feel I should be happy all the time.  I know that's not life, but I just wish I could control things a bit better and appreciate fully just how blessed I am.

But overall its been a lovely time.  The people who matter, family and close friends, and those who have been watching us in the trenches, could not be more thrilled.  And their love, and their excitement is just a joy to watch.  Even when Earl and I struggle to believe it ourselves.

Thumper has been on my mind.  Thumper, our precious little bub who didn't get all this attention.  I miss him, and I'm so aware of what could have been as I carry his siblings.

Friday, November 30, 2012


Well, its been a lovely couple of days.

Due to the obstetrician wanting to make definately sure they weren't identical twins, we got another Ultra Sound.  This one was a full half hour.  We could see noses, toes, and movement of both babies and the techs were super happy.  It is a bit of a relief, even though it was all looking good, it makes me even happier now knowing its all looking great.

Telling people has been a blast too.  My BFF cried like anything, and then spent the next 20 minutes telling me how "I thought you were pregnant when x happened, but then I thought you weren't at Y".  Poor thing, she was so stressed not knowing, but knowing she couldn't ask!  She is super happy, and is already pushing for at least one boy so her daughter can marry him!

It's been just so very amazing.  I'm a bit overwhelmed.

We are telling the rest of the close friends over the weekend.  But the big question on my mind is facbeook.  What to do?  I think I do want to say something on there, it will start filtering in as people learn anyway, and I have always prefered one emotional hit rather than a suprise reference at 20 weeks.

But I don't know.

We will tell those we know are having difficulties in a private message.  But even this week I learnt that you can't always know who are the ones struggling.  We told our dear friends (whose second daughter is our God-daughter) and the husband said "We're a little jealous".  I suddenly realised that maybe they hadn't planned to stop at 2 kids (number two is currently 3).  It didn't mean they weren't super happy for us (they were thrilled), but it made me see that sometimes the most unlikely people can find news a struggle.

And how do I say it?  I want to say it in a way that hints at the struggle we had to get here.  But I want to say it in a way that will be least hurtful to friends, and also promotes helpful comments from those who comment.

I just don't know? :(

Any suggestions?

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

All Good :)

Everything was wonderful.

We were so nervous in the lead up.  Its funny how in the minutes before the ultra sound I can be so prepared for bad news.  But there was none.  Both babies were looking good, in fact Big head was a tad behind and dancer was a bit ahead so they are looking very similar sized now.  Doctor is super happy with both, and their hearts are beating perfectly.  Earl and I just walked out of their with the biggest grins on our face.

And, in wonderful timing, my Mum just happened to have a meeting in a building walking distance from the clinic.  We had organised to meet her before the meeting.  She had her suspicions when we wanted to catch up, but that didn't stop her crying! :)  And when Tim said "There's more", she said "THERE'S TWO OF THEM".  It was so very lovely.  Her meeting friend was running late so we had about an hour of just chatting about the babies.  It was such a special hour.  And my dear Mum, she already offered to pay for a once a fortnight cleaner for the 2 months prior and 3 months after the twins birth.  And she is already hinting she wants the twins to arrive on her birthday :)

My Dad was interstate.  We weren't sure if we should wait until he was back, but Mum said she couldn't keep the secret so we better call him!  He really was shocked, and just so very happy.  The most beautiful moment was when I handed the phone to Mum to talk to him.  Mum is not really a big crier, but talking to Dad she just lost it.  While they've put on a brave face for us for so long, I know how much this must mean to them, to finally get to be Grandparents.

Then it was off to my sister's work.  She was so thrilled, and I think she was the most excited about the twin factor of all the family.

It's just been so happy.  Earl and I have compiled a list of who to tell, in person, on the phone, and via a general message.  There is some healthy debate about the order (Earl wants to tell church people on Sunday, but I want to wait until his siblings know on Monday).  But all in all we are just so very, very happy.  It's just so strange to be here.

The receptionist asked how many transfers we had done.  You know, I don't really know!  I've lost count  I could calculate it in my head, but I think we are up to about 17.  It's just crazy.  We were fully expecting to end this year on a new path to adoption.  Now we end this year with two babies on the way.

Of course, things can still go wrong.  But it feels like at 12 weeks we are moving into normal territory.

Thanks so much for all your prayers and support.  It's been such a blessing sharing this secret with you, and I appreciate all the years of support in the horrible years leading up to this point.  I still pray regularly for you all.

BTW, still can't talk Earl out of Big head, despite my Mum and Sister not being impressed with the name :)

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Scan tomorrow

Did I say I was hopeful, did I say I was excited?

Less than 24 hours to go until our final 1st Trimester scan.  And I'm scared again.  I love my Big head and Little dancer.  There is signs every morning they are there.  My belly hints it to me every time I look in the mirror.  But I'm afraid.  I love both my babies and I don't want to loose one or both of them.

Tomorrow could be such a happy day.  Or it could be really hard.

Please, please Father, keep our little ones growing and safe.  I desperately want to see two hearts beating tomorrow.

Monday, November 26, 2012

2 days until scan

It's crazy, isn't it?

I just got a call from the doc's secretary, asking if I could come in fifteen minutes earlier on Thursday. I was excited, it just seems so very close. It is also weird to be excited about an ultra sound.

I feel very pregnant. My biggest concern is for tiny dancer and how he is going. I've been googling this morning dissapearing twin syndrome. But it seems like it's not very common to loose a twin when you've seen both heart beats are 8 weeks. There are no garentees, and every time I feel confident I remember how we felt before thumpers scan and I feel scared. But the road to a healthy pregnancy involves hurdles and this is a huge one. But Thursday could be one of the highlights of our lives and it's hard to not be excited about it.

I've mentioned on this blog that I lived in the states for two years as a child. Since then my parents have mostly celebrated some sort of thanksgiving meal. Ours is on Saturday.  All going well Earl will tell Mum and Dad on Thursday, and I will tell my sister on Friday. Then Saturday Mum and I will cook and we will get to talk and talk about the babies.and that thought makes my heart sing!

Yesterday I got back from my big work trip! It was amazing, and exhausting.  It's funny, so many fears were unfounded. I was worried the students would get suspicious at my attempts at day time naps, my early nights, and my eating continually in the morning. But as Uni students they aren't used to pregnancy so nobody seemed to notice and care. Now I'm so excited to tell them all, they are Very dear to me after a week staying and working together.

I was busy, and there were times where I thought, (am I really 11 weeks pregnant? It just doesn't seem possible.

But it is.

Continuing to pray for all my friends still struggling on this road.

Monday, November 19, 2012

10 weeks and daring to dream

Its a strange time.

10 weeks just seems so significant.  I know its not the magical 12 weeks.  And I also know that 12 weeks isn't magical either.  It's safer, but it's not safe.  I know that anything can still happen.

But 10 weeks is significant. Every day is closer to telling. Every week is closer to this really, really happening.

It blows my mind sometimes.

I'm not planning on doing weekly updates for bump picks or anything like that.  But I do want to give you a sense of what has been going on.

Well, they say you start showing early with Twins and its true.  I have a bump.  Its not totally noticeable when I have clothes on, but once you get to the end of the day and I strip down to a bra its very, very obvious.  Earl is constantly teasing me about it, in a excited, non-offensive way.  Today I also went a bought my first maternity bra.  It felt weird, buying anything maternity before 12 weeks, but I was getting desperate.  Only one of my biggest bras fit, and I mean fit in the loosest terms.  It is so strange telling a shop assistant that I'm pregnant, when I haven't even told my Mum.  I don't think anyone will ask if I am pregnant, but I wonder if I will get some "I thought so"s when I finally tell.

Nausea is still there, though it feels a little less intense since the 10 week mark.  I still vomit every morning, and I have to eat something every hour in the morning, but overall I'm managing.  Food wise I still eat most things.  I'm very thirsty, and my only craving is Greek Yoghurt.  I eat it straight out of the tub, and I'm convinced I have very healthy, sensible babies to want something that is so good for me anyway!

Last week, I spent 3 days away with my staff team.  I was incredibly nervous; about food, about vomiting  about everything.  It was absolutely fine.  I had my own room, into which I would sneak and eat something if I felt any nausea coming on.  I was able to eat most of the food, and there was nobody who would have noticed everything.  But what was hard was the deception.  Everyone kept asking "Will you be working the same next year as you have this year?".  And I kept saying "I think so" or "Probably".  WHICH is a lie.  Because I didn't think so, and probably not.  I comforted myself by the fact that I was honouring Earl by keeping it quiet, but I still feel bad, and it puts a bit of a dampener of telling my work colleagues the news.  Though I'm sure they will be more understanding than I give them credit for.

But this week is another story.

This week I am going away for 5 days.  Earl will visit for one.  I am coordinating a team of 11 university students who are helping out at a church for a week.  It's going to be mad.  And I will be 11 weeks pregnant.  I'm super nervous.  But I think I just need to accept that it will be busy and crazy and to take every chance to rest that I can. And pray like mad.

And after that?

I get back on Monday and I'm going to crash.  And then?  Thursday we will have our final scan with the RE, our 12 week scan.  It will actually be 11 weeks and 6 days, but its close enough.  And then we will tell my parents.  And then we will tell Earl's parents.  And then we will start telling people.  And as much as I am super excited, I'm also a little nervous.  Infertility, baby stuff has been private for so long.  It feels weird, letting the world know that we are pregnant.  That there are two babies.

Not that I'm complaining.

Earl and I are so very overwhelmed with thankfulness.  We have no idea how we have ended up here.  It just feels like a treasure has just landed in our laps.  Earl won a comp on the radio this morning, and goes into the draw for a quite substantial prize.  But as Earl said, he doesn't care about that.  He just wants our twins.  They are our prize, they are what we have waiting so long for.  We just want them so badly.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Big Head and Dancer

Have you ever heard of a weirder name for an "in the belly baby" than big head?

Scan today was good. Little baby is still little, and was a few days behind last time.  But heart was beating perfectly, and it was moving! It was the cutest thing ever.  Doc isn't too worried about our little "dancer" so we are trying to relax and trust him when he says it all looks good!

The other baby is bang on track.  He or she was curled in a little ball, and looks so big next to dancer! Earl started referring to bubs as Big Head and despite my initial reservations it's stuck!

And Earl is getting excited! He almost agreed to tell my parents and everything. Almost!

We said farewell to our thrilled doctor, though ironically I spoke with the hospital and they said if we don't get a NT test then we will have to see him if we want a twelve week scan. So we maybe back again. But he said as we left he said "I want you to visit me, bring two babies, and I want you looking exhausted!"

I think I've worked out why I am happy to call one of our precious babies "big head". It's because Earl would only consent to that name if he really believed that it was going to get a real name one day. It's evidence that he finally believes that we are having these babies. And as much as things can go wrong, it feels like we are. Even Dancer is further along than Thumper ever was. We have made it to 10 weeks with twins, and we have only two weeks until the magical, beautiful 12 weeks.

Bring it on!

Thanks so much for your prayer and support.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

A week until the next scan and living with a converted pessimist

9 weeks and 2 days

About the time we lost Thumper

I still stand by my last post, but that doesn't mean the 10 week scan isn't terrifying me.

One of the challenges of the last week has been Earl and my different take on things. Poor Earl.  He started this whole TTC and IVF thing such an optimist! He always thought I was pregnant, bless him. But when Thumper died, so did his optimism. He wants our babies to live, but he assumes they won't.

About 10 percent of the time I talk him into a little excitement. But the rest of the time he is scared. He keeps saying things like "I'm not coping with Life now, how will I be when we loose them?"

It's really tough. I just want him to be happy, but I know he needs to process this in his own way. So it makes me even more anxious for 12 weeks, because I want Earl to share my joy.

It is of course easier for me.  I'm the one with my head in the toilet nearly every morning. I'm the one who's tired and bloated and whose bra is now a 4 year old bra from when I weighed a lot more.  And all this just makes it easier to believe.

But the are still hard moments. Earl and I were at the beach and noticed a home made shrine.  A boy and a girl.  Love Mummy and daddy. Only made it to one day old.  Twins.

I love these babies.  And 12 weeks isn't the only challenge they face.

But it's the next hurdle.

Please make it my dear little ones! Father, please look after them. Amen

Sunday, November 4, 2012

I'm all in

There is a very memorable episode of the Television Series "The Gilmore Girls".

Luke and Loreli, after a million years of friendship and 4 seasons, finally start dating.  On their first date, Luke reminds Loreli of the first time they met in his cafe.  He reminds her of the horoscope she ripped out of the paper to show him.  He then opens up his wallet and pulls that same horiscope out.  He had kept it, in his wallet, from the moment he met her.  Loreli is in shock.

Then Luke says: "I guess what I'm trying to say is...I'm all in".

It's a very romatic moment.

I've been thinking about that alot with the twins.  Because from the moment I saw the two heart-beats that has been my feeling.  I'm all in.

After I lost Thumper I remember being really annoyed at myself.  I had been so committed, so confident.  So happy.  So naive.  I was so angry that I had not prepared myself for the possibility of loosing him.

But now that I am back in that place, I realise that it wasn't naivity.  It was love.

It's not that I'm not aware that I can loose these babies.  We are sitting in the week where Thumpers heart stopped beating, and next week is the week when we found out. 

But I love them so much I just can't think like that.  I'm all in.  These are my babies and I love them and I just can't bear the thought of loosing them.  So I don't think like that.  I just imagine them growing and thriving and joining my family.  It's all I can do.

I'm all in.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

2 heart-beats

Its funny, but I have a policy on my blog that I am very clear in my title what my post is going to be, that I don't surprise people with news.  I remember reading a blog, a few days after a bfn, and half way through realising it was a pregnancy announcement and feeling really side-swiped.  So I decided then and there that I would always be very clear in my title about what had happened.  So while you know that we had a TERRIFIC scan, let me tell you the details.

As I have said numerous times, with the exception of the slight bleed a week ago, everything for this pregnancy was looking...well, very pregnant.  And so until last night I was feeling pretty positive about having at least one heart-beat.  But it's funny, Tim and I had a big commitment last night and the moment we walked out of the place where it was, our faces dropped and we got scared.  Scans are just so scary for us.

This morning was torture.  I woke up early, lay in bed, checking emails, just wishing time would fly.  And it took over an hour in the waiting room, waiting to go in.

There was one really nice thing in the room though.  I've always found this waiting room hard, because it tends to have lots of people seeing the fertility doctors who have kids with them.  And it always made me feel like a freak, because I would see people and think "Yes, that's how its suppose to be.  You do IVF, you get pregnant.  Then when kid is big enough you come back for other embryos."  But as we sat there Earl and I turned to each other and said "That could be us".  It was the weirdest moment.

Then we went in.  I got changed, calling out to the doctor that I had been feeling pretty horrible, but I was still scared.  We got straight onto it.  Baby A was obvious, and I could see the heart-beat right away.  Earl said "You remember the other sac?"  Doc went and had a look.  There was Baby B, Earl started asking "Is there a heart-beat?" but before he finished speaking I called out "There's a heart-beat, THERE'S A HEART-BEAT".  I could see it, that beautiful little flicker.  Earl and I just stared at each other in disbelief, while our doctor gave us the happiest, realest smile that I've seen the whole time I've known him.

Baby A is right on track at 8 weeks.  Baby B is at 7 weeks 2 days- which is behind, but given where he was last week, its exactly the size we would have hoped for.  Doc said he has seen pregnancies like this, where the second twin stays behind the whole pregnancy, and turns out absolutely fine.

Earl, of course, being Earl, said "We're still not getting our hopes up".  But for today, I want to celebrate because both my babies are okay.  I have two heart-beats.

The other thing that we decided, in discussions with our doctor, is that we are changing hospitals.  Given our pregnancy is now high risk, we are moving to a less convenient specialist womens-and-babies hospital with a neo-natal ward.

Meanwhile, I am staying on my meds for another 2 weeks.  Doc figures that while things are going well we should leave it as is.  We are back again in two weeks for a 10 week scan.

Thanks so much for your prayers.  It seems so strange after so many years of heart-ache to suddenly just have this double blessing.  I know that this is not 12 weeks (which suddenly seems far away again), I know things can go wrong, I know that two heart-beats also equals a higher risk pregnancy than we were expecting.

But right now I just can't help but be grateful.  I have two babies inside me.
love LG

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Counting down to scan number 2

Sometimes, time just flows like glass. And sometimes it just runs away.

With Thumper, the count down through the weeks was torture. I still look back and think its impossible that knowing he was there to loosing him was only 5 weeks!

But time is flying now. I can't believe that the next scan is happening in 2 days, at 8 weeks!

My feelings fluctuate. Symptoms are there, morning sickness is here to stay and it's pretty overwhelming.  I've been getting lots of aches and cramping, and even though I know that can just be settling in, I panic every time. Hormones are raging too, so sometimes I'm positive and bright, other times I'm morbid and depressed. The bleed still scares me, though we can't know our bleed with thumper came when he died, I've always thought this was the case. But the bleed was so long ago and I feel so pregnant.

In two days time, we will know if I am still carrying twins. I've started thinking of them as Aby and Bebe (Bebe being baby B). I want them both badly.

But there has been some funny stuff.

My work involves Uni students, and as they are all off campus at present, we've been having staff meetings at different people's houses.  Last week, one of the hosts made sandwiches, packed with processed no no for pregnancy meat.  I did my best to push the meat to the edge of the sandwich as I ate, took the plate with me to the kitchen, then dumped the meat in the bin, feeling very suspicious and nervous as I did. The next week we were going some where where I knew there were sandwiches again. So I made a plan to say at the end of the meeting, I need to go, I can't have lunch. But sandwiches came out half way through. I ended up saying I had to leave early. I'm sure no one cared or noticed but I felt pretty stupid, leaving a staff meeting early, just so I didn't have to say no to sandwiches and let everyone know I was pregnant.

And in the following week we are having people stay on Saturday, I'm staying with a friend on Tuesday. The following week I'm going away with my staff team, where I won't be able to sneak off to avoid lunch!  And in week 11 I will be heading off for 5 days with a bunch of Uni students, staying together and coordinating a mission trip. I have no idea how this is all going to work, if I'm vomiting every morning and not eating any processed meat.

But as Earl keeps saying- best case scenario is that all this happens. And what a glorious problem to have. It all comes down to Friday.

Praying for two little heart-beats!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Nurses call and the first vomit

Charming title right?

The nurse called back, and I'm feeling so much better.  She really isn't worried.  She told me to take it easy, monitor, and she gave me a number to call if I want to get a scan or I have anymore symptoms. 

But she said its normal and it didn't sound bad to her.  There has been no more bleeding and no more symptoms.  I am still super cautious about the pregnancy, but not quite a scared that it is all over.  We are planning to just stick with our scan next week, and if we get too worried we can try to move it forward.

I also had the first vomit of the pregnancy, which was yuck for me but I think good timing for Earl.  You see, for him, I can say that I feel yuck, but its not as obvious to him.  When I was chucking (sorry TMI) he called out "You poor thing" but I could tell from his voice THAT HE WAS SMILING!  When I called him on it he didn't deny it.  You see, for him VOMIT=PREGNANT.  So he at least is in a good mood, and that can't be a bad thing.

So all in all, I'm feeling alot better. I am not the happy "I can't believe I'm pregnant" Lady of yesterday, but I'm okay.  And, I'm pretty sure I'm still pregnant.


Waiting for silly nurses to call and thinking about twin #2

Suprisingly I was able to sleep last night.  Partly it was Earl, constantly reading out quotes about how small bleeding is no big deal, partly I was just exhausted.  I woke in the night, knowing I needed my middle of the night pee, but scared to go.  Eventually I did.  There was no bleeding, and there has been no bleeding since.

So its hard to know how to think about it.  I rang the nurses this morning and left a message, and am still waiting for their call back.  Why is it that when you really want to talk to them, they are always busy?

The hardest thing with this is to know what to hope for. 

I mean, obviously what I am hoping for is that it is just a bit of cervical irratation bleeding and nothing more.  Obviously I am hoping that both babies are still growing.

But there is a little part of me that wonders about vanishing twin syndrome, and whether this bleeding is just twin #2 last horrah. 

And I don't know how to feel about that.  If twin #2 is alive then I want him/her to live!  I love both my babies.  But if twin #2 has already stopped growing, then this bleeding might but be a sign of that, and baby #1 is fine and I am still completely pregnant.  And that is a comforting thought, but I feel guilty about it.

It's just a weird scenario.  To know that you are definitely pregnant with one baby, but to not know about the other.  And so, besides praying for #2, I don't know how to think about him.

And its so hard, because we were starting to process that we might not have genetic children.  And then this pregnancy happens and we realise how much we want this.  And not just this, not just being pregnant, but being pregnant and having these babies.  We are attached.  And it is not okay if this doesn't work.  It can't be okay.

My guess is that I'm still pregnant with at least one baby and everything is fine.  But yesterday if you'd asked me honesty I would have told you I was super confident about this pregnancy working out.  Now I'm not.  This is just a reminder that things can and do go wrong.  I feel like my symptoms (which are still around btw) have lulled me into a false sense of security.  But this bleed has reminded me that there are no guarantees.  6 week heart beat does not equal baby.

7 weeks today.


Hi Friends.  I'm probably being paranoid, but I had the tiniest little bleed tonight and I am a bit scared.  Please pray for us and our babies.
Tomorrow I will ring the clinic and see what they say.  Earl is madly googling and comforting himself with all the things about bleeding being normal in early pregnancy.  But it's still scary.
Please pray.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Symptoms and Secrets

Thanks for your lovely support and prayers.  Still on a bit of a high after yesterday.  Again, I know that heart beat doesn't equal baby, but it is still a wonderful step in the right direction.  And I am feeling so very pregnant at the moment.

Symptoms are ramping up.  Larger than normal bre$ts have been going along for a while, but I think last night they took another gigantic leap forward.  I'm only just fitting into my stretchy, normal sized bra.  I suspect if I was to get a new one now it would be at least one size bigger.

I also have a belly.  It's really weird.  Its not hard, it's all blubber, but its bigger than it was before the transfer, and after a big meal its pretty substantial.  I suspect at this stage it is just bloating.  Plus, I'm less likely to suck in my gut, so my default is more "belly" than normal".  Still not noticeable to anyone but Earl and I.  But to us it's hilariously obvious.  I'm a little self-conscious of it (because I'm not suppose to be showing yet and it makes me worry about my weight), but also a little proud too, because it makes me feel so very pregnant.  And I'm keeping up exercise and not eating junk so I don't really have a reason to worry.

I am getting up in the night to pee at least once, and I am very tired.  At the moment I am really enjoying my more flexible timetable and having afternoon naps.  They are so good.  It was funny, when I refilled my script for steroids (Doc wants me to stay on all my drugs until we at least pass 9 weeks), the lady told me to have it in the morning.  I told her I've been having it with lunch.  She said 'It can cause people to have trouble sleeping, have you had trouble sleeping?".  I almost laughed at all.  Not only have I been tired all the time, I've also been sleeping straight after I take it, after lunch.  And struggling to get up afterwards!

And the nausea.  I haven't vomited yet, though I have gotten closer.  Actually, it's been kinda funny.  There is a pattern.  Wake up in the morning a little nausea.  Eat to keep it at bay.   Feel better for about 5 minutes.  Then feel worse.  Feel worse for a few hours.  Eat a snack.  Feel better for about an hour.  Then feel bad, and feel progressively worse as lunch approaches (as well as hungry).  Eat lunch.  Feel better provided I don't eat too much.  At about 4pm (now!) start to feel a bit hungry.  Have a snack.  Continue to feel just okay.  Feel worse and worse.  Eat dinner.  Feel good for about five minutes, then feel yuck.  Feel yuck and tired.  Go to bed.

And this is only when I eat things I like.  If I eat anything I don't feel like, then the yuck just continues on.

But of course, as I said to Earl- if your going to be sick, have a lovely reason.  And the reason is so lovely that all of these symptoms are so very, very worth it.

One of the things that I find really interesting about this whole thing is that most people whose blog I've read (either from the past or right now) who have had their BFP are already telling at least some people.  It makes me feel like a bit of a weirdo.  Now, I'm sure if it were only up to me, or if Earl didn't care, we would have told a few people.  But I also don't feel any resentment for his position.

Basically this is how Earl feels.

He is so very excited to tell my parents. I've spoke about them before, but my parents are people who just adore kids, and my Dad particularly adores babies.  They are wonderful people and will make just the most amazing, involved Grandparents you can imagine.  And Earl had said (Early on in the trying process) that he wanted to be the ones to tell them.  It would make them so happy, and Earl loves the idea of being the one to break that news to them.  And I really like the idea of them hearing from him too.

But after all we've been through, and particularly with Thumper, this dream of happy news is really important to us.  We want it to be happy.  And we don't want them to be happy, and then rocked by a miscarriage   .  Of course if we miscarry we will tell them.  But having gone through the joy/pain cycle ourselves, Earl really wants that moment of telling them good news to say good.

And I don't want to tell anyone before my parents.

Hence waiting to 12 weeks.

In some ways its crazy- it's such a long time to keep the secret.  And my Mum has specifically told me that she want to know before 12 weeks, so she can support us through the wait.  But I feel in this situation, I really want to go with Earl's preference rather than hers.  She will be happy regardless.  And as hard as it is to be subtle (and this will only increase with the nausea), there is actually something really special about having this special secret with Earl.  God willing, if everything continues to go well, we will tell, and we will love telling and love people knowing.  But for today, I am willing to keep it a secret for Earl.  And kind of enjoying it in a weird way.

But it is nice to be able to share it with you.
Continuing to pray for all of you.  It's so strange.  So many of you have been where I am now, and sometimes I found it encouraging, sometimes hard.  I know this can be hard.  I'm continuing to pray.  Thanks for sticking by me.
Love LG

Monday, October 22, 2012

Heart Beat

We have a heart-beat.

It was one of the most stressful mornings I've ever had.  Even though I'd been relatively positive up to that point, I woke in the middle of the night and I was completely convinced that we would have bad news.  I slept fitfully, with lots of dreams about the scan.  Strangely, every dream ended in a heart beat, but then I also had scenarios of people force feeding me soft cheese or friends (who came to the scan for some unknown reason) telling everyone we were pregnant before we were ready.

The moment we walked into the room the doctor took a look at our faces and said "You aren't getting your hopes up, are you?  Your been here before".  He sent me straight into the room to get changed.  I looked away from the screen, then peeked.  There was a sack.  There was a shape.  The screen was smaller than the one with Thumper, so I couldn't see the heart beat as clearly but it was there.  And not only that, but the baby was right on schedual in terms of size, which Thumper was not.  Earl and I kept waiting for bad news but it didn't come.  We had a living little person!

Then the doctor said "There is something a bit strange".  Earl and I snapped our faces back towards him and he corrected... "Not strange, just, there's another sack".

I don't know why I didn't notice it before, but he was right.  It was a third of the size of the main one.

"But it's empty?" I asked

"No, it's not empty" he replied

It turns out there is a second sack and a second embryo.  The second embryo is quite small, measuring I would guess at five weeks, with no heart beat.  The doctor said that it most likely that this baby stopped growing.  But he also said he had seen this scenario before where the second twin caught up.  So in many ways it feels like it did when they defrosted, like it did when we got our reasonably high number.  We are probably just having one baby, but there is still a small chance of two.  And we are praying that they both make it.  Doc is having us back at 8 weeks to see how twin #2 is progressing.

So, all in all, its hard to imagine things going better today.  I am so grateful.  Again, trying not to get excited, and Earl is still making the call that we keep all quiet until 12 weeks.  And I'm starting to feel better and better about that.

And our picture of Thumper now has a friend!
Thanks so much for all your prayers.  We are not out of the woods yet, and won't feel "safe" until 12 weeks. But today was definitely a day of good news.
Love LG

Scan tomorrow

In less than 12 hours I am having our first U/S of the pregnancy, to check for position and heart beat.

I am a little bit excited and alot scared.

Please pray.
Love LG

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Six weeks and a foot in both camps

Well, after a frustratingly long wait, the doc got back to me with results. She didn't give me numbers, but she said everything was fine except that my vitamin D level are extremely low. So it's another supplement to add to my collection. But I was of course greatly relieved, and amazed that soon the hospital will ring me with my first appointment date.

I also had a small burst of nausea yesterday.

Earl said yesterday, every day that goes by this pregnancy seems hard and harder to think about loosing. Even though we try to be cautious.

I feel a bit "foot in both camps". I am pregnant. I'm one of "those" people. And yet with my uncertainty and fear and background, I also feel very much in the infertile camp. I am still hiding belly shots and stupid comments on Facebook! I don't feel out of the trenches yet.

But I am starting to feel a little bit hopeful about good news on Tuesday. I don't think I will ever go into an ultrasound excited, because of our shock loss of Thumper, but I feel like there is a good chance of good news. And that still seems amazing to me.

Today is the thanksgiving service for my Pa.

four days until scan.  6 weeks today.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Can't think of a good title, so this is just my random ramblings of a crazy nervous waiting women

I would love to say that my nerves have settled down, but I don't know if that is possible.

Yesterday I was in tears as I went to the bathroom, because I was so sure I would find bleeding.  Why?  No idea, and I didn't.  But every so often the fear just rises up and I think "It's going to be now, it's going to be now". 

It's funny, I'm been entertaining myself this week by looking up pregnancy things.  Maternity dresses, week by weeks.  But I realised that I hadn't looked at all at anything baby related.  Its almost as if I can get excited about being pregnant, and even being heavily pregnant, but the idea of having a baby just still seems so impossibly far away. 

I've also been reading through many of you IF mamma's blogs, at your stories of your first 12 weeks.  That has been by far the most comforting thing.  Because you were all where I was and it still happened.  Some of you had even had miscarriages, and now you have babies.  That fact, that I could loose Thumper, get pregnant, and then have the baby live feels like a dream that can't come true.  But it can and it has for some, so maybe for me.

Yesterday Earl and I were in a cafe and I said, "I should make an appointment to see a local doctor".  Partly because that's what I knew normal people were supposed to do when they became pregnant, partly because I can't talk to anyone right now about pregnancy and I have no idea what I am doing.  Boy I now wish I grilled my bff more on where she brought her maternity bras and whether she was happy with our local hospital!  Now I can't without raising suspicion!  So I called the doc and...she only had an appointment that day.  And I got freaked out.  I wasn't ready to see a doctor.  We haven't seen the heart-beat.  And most of all, she's going to take a beta and I'm scared about what it would say.

She was wonderfully reassuring.  She said 5 weeks was not unsubstantial and my mega boobs were a good sign (they go away pretty quickly she said if you are loosing the baby).  So of course I've spent the last 24 hours staring down my cleavage- very glad that they are still there.  Still no nausea, but I'm tired, big boobed and peeing all the time, so I think I need to be okay with that at the moment.

Doc said she would call me back with the blood results at some stage "in the next few days".  She will let me know if I need vitamin D (she almost guarantees it, its a real problem for women in my city at the moment after such an overcast winter), and take my hospital preference so she can make a referral.  It's so very scary.  She could be calling about beta going down, or she could be calling about which hospital I'd like.  How does one wait for a phone call like that?

As for time, it is moving fast and slow, depending on how you think about it.  Earl couldn't believe it wasn't six weeks yet, but then he also can't believe that the scan is only a week away.  We keep planning things for that day and then cancelling them, not sure what will happen, not sure how much strength we will have.

Oh, and I'm still on all my meds, the doctor will talk more about it at our scan.  The only med I'm on at the moment which is different than normal is a steroid my doctor prescribed because "It won't hurt, and it might help".  Earl thinks it's why we are pregnant.  I don't know- but I am definitely still taking it until the doctor says to stop.


Friday, October 12, 2012

5 weeks and working out how to wait

This week has been a big one.

Last Thursday morning, painlessly in his sleep, with his four much loved step sons and his wife at his side, my Pa went to be with Jesus.  It has been a big emotional week.  I love him so much, I'm so sad to say goodbye, I'm glad he is out of pain.  And its such a strange time to loose a relative that I love.  I'm sad that I didn't get to share with Pa the good news of the BFP.  But I feel like he knows now.  And he is with Thumper.

But what an emotional week it has been.

The waiting is so hard.  My symptoms are simple.  Large tender bre$ts and bloating and little twinges.  I haven't had any nausea.  Though I know its silly I just want some nausea.  Some kind of proof.  Because we are still 10 days away from our heart-beat scan.  Of course, I know that the best proof that I am still pregnant is that my period hasn't come.  But...its all so unreal and unexpected I find it hard to believe that wonderful phone call on Monday really happened.

Earl is funny.  Sometimes he is funny and excited, calling out "Is that Lady and my baby, coming through the door".  Sometimes he worries about the lack of nausea.  At a fancy restaurant where we had tea he explained when asking about the menu "My wife might be pregnant", rather than "my wife is pregnant".  And he says what we both feel at times, that this news, that life at the moment seems to good to be true, that something must go wrong.  That is how we are at the moment.  Walking on egg shells.  We have always had our IF "happy endings" ruined.  What about this one?  I find myself constantly talking about the baby, constantly assuring him that it is right to be excited, because maybe if I can convince him I can convince myself.

And I still don't know when and if we will tell anyone.  Earl is so excited about telling my parents we are pregnant, and it being good news that lasts, that this means waiting a long time to tell.  The only thing that might bring it forward is that Earl's parents are going to be overseas at the start of next month, until after the 12 week mark.  So I might be able to convince him to tell our parents around then, so that at least we can tell his folks in person before they go.

The sad/funny thing is, is that I can't imagine Mum and Dad not asking me directly this week how things are going, except that with Pa's death there has been much too much to talk about and to deal with, that I think it might just have slipped their minds!

And so how to I wait?  I have big afternoon naps.  I work, I walk, I clean.  I wait.

Oh, and I am 5 weeks.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Sinking in

I guess it's fair to say that the news has sunken in. And with it has come the fear.

Monday was my happy day. It just so happened that Earl and I needed to go shopping for present for our friends new baby, so I walked around the shop gleefully like a typical fertile  myrtle going gaga over all the little socks. I was so blissfully happy. I knew in my head that pregnancy doesn't equal baby but the BFP was such an amazing gift that I just basked in it for a day.

Now the happiness is muted and sprinkled with fear.

Not that anything has happened to suggest I'm not pregnant. I'm just realistic and scarred.

And that's okay. It's okay to be happy and it's okay to be afraid. I don't think fear will loose me this baby and I don't think happiness will make a miscarriage any harder.

I was talking to my boss about next year. I didn't say anything of course, but was weird to know how to think.  With thumper I was already thinking contingency plans. This time I will just talk and plan as if next year is going as we all thought it would.  And any changes can be figured out if I reach that magical 2nd trimester.

I have a two week wait until my scan.  The clinic sent me there "positive pregnancy" booklet. I gloated and grinned as I opened it but it wasn't great reading. Everything that could've go wrong was listed in that book along with the words "even a high beta can still have this result". :(

So anyway, here I am.  Pregnant.  Scared.  Happy.  Flooded with memories of loosing thumper.  I don't know what will happen, and have no control.

But I'm still very very thankful.
Ps thanks for all your congrats and well wishes, since I can't share in real life it is great to share with you all.

Sunday, October 7, 2012


I'm pregnant.

I can hardly believe it.  I could tell the moment I answered the phone, Karen the nurses sounded so happy.  She said the nurses in my team fought over who got to tell me the news.

My result is 305.  This, she said, is a good number.  It's probably not high enough for both embryos to have made it, but it is a very, very good number for one.

Earl is happy but reserved, I think after everything that happened with Thumper, he was always going to be that way.  He will wait until the heart-beat ultra-sound (in two weeks time) before getting really excited.  And he doesn't want to tell anyone before 12 weeks.  I don't know how that will work, with my parents knowing the date of the transfer and paying for our medical expenses.  But we will figure it out.

The nurse herself was very excited, I told her about our previous miscarriage but it didn't seem to dampen her enthusiasm.  And I think I want to take her leave.  I want to enjoy this time.  But I'm also cautious.  My attitude will be this: Every day with this baby is a gift, I will enjoy that gift.  Yes, if it ends it will be a horrible, horrible thing.  But I don't regret Thumper despite the pain and I will never regret this time either- whatever happens.

And I am just so grateful to God for this gift, and for answering a prayer that I thought would never be.

Thanks for all your prayers during this cycle.  I know this news will be happy/hard for many of you, and my heart goes out to you.  You are in my prayers as well.  And if those who are prayers, please keep us and our little one in our prayers.

Still hasn't sunken in yet.
Love LG

Half a hope

I know that there is no gareentee that I am pregnant until and unless I get a positive pregnancy test tomorrow.

I know there is always a chance that the synthetic hormones in my system are the reason that my period hasn't come, despite it being "due" on Friday.

But I also know that there is only one other time (on this medication) that I got this far along without bleeding.  And that was when I was pregnant.

So I am a little excited.  But trying to hold it in.

The funny thing is this week started so badly.  My Pa in hospital, and the one week wait was just begining.  Earl and I prayed to God, we prayed that he would give us good things to get us through this week of pain and waiting and suffering.  And it has been an amazing week in so many non-IF ways.  And despite a million stressful moment fearing the worst, my period hasn't come.

I don't know how I would have got through this weekend if my period had come.  We went to a wedding yesterday, and I was driving the car for the bride and groom.  How could I have coped, doing that, with Earl not around, if I had found out I wasn't pregnant?  Today we had church and we were both very involved.  But still no period.  If I get my period tomorrow, or if I'm not pregnant I will still be very grateful that these last two days were able to be wonderful when they could have been so bad.  It was a really great gift.

But I'm still praying for the greater gift.
Please, Please Father.  BFP?

Thursday, October 4, 2012

No news is not necessarily good news

Here is the great dilemma and drama of the 1 week wait for me.

Because I have this absolutely annoying history of getting early bleeding when I am not pregnant in an IVF cycle (sometimes fresh, sometimes frozen), I spend the one week wait panicking every time I go to the bathroom.  Because I just don't know when AF will arrive.  And every time AF hasn't arrived I am relieved and a little excited, because no AF means I might be pregnant, right?

This is the problem.  When you have a whole week of this stress-to-relief cycle it affects you.  Because every No-AF time feels like a little victory.  And all those little victories add up in my head as evidence to the fact that I might be pregnant.

But no AF at this stage doesn't mean I'm pregnant.  Do you know what it means?  It means that either I am pregnant, or that the medication that they have put me on is working so that I don't bleed.  It is not a positive.  It is a neutral.

But how do you keep that in your head?  I find it really hard.  I know that my period wouldn't be due until tomorrow anyway, even if I didn't have shots last Saturday to keep my levels up.  Yet I'm feeling excited because I'm not bleeding yet, because this could be the one, because as much as I tell myself that all I really know is that AF hasn't arrived, it feels much more powerful and exciting than that.

It's just the drama of this time I guess.

In terms of symptoms it's kinda funny because any symptoms I've had I've had since before the transfer!  Because my clinic is putting me on synthetic shots of pregnancy hormone to keep my lining strong- I've actually been bloated and a tiny bit nausea all week :)  And it is hard to know if what I am experiencing is still there because I'm pregnant or just because the hormones haven't worn off yet.  And the lady at the clinic warned me that there is no guarantee that the hormones will have totally run out before the beta- hence the possibility that I might have symptoms and no AF until Monday, when the Beta lets me know once and for all.

And of course, there is also the ridiculous problem that I am actually a total hypochondriac and have been known to vomit when I think I'm pregnant when actually I'm not.

So i guess the moral of this rambly post is that there is no way I can know if I am pregnant except by taking the beta.  Which is four days away.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

The Emotional exhaustion of the 2ww

All I want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep.

There is a tiny little part of me that hopes that my tiredness this week has to do with maybe a little embryo or two nestling inside of me.  But there is a much more simple explanation.  It took me a long time to realise just how much emotions effect you physically.  And it's a big week, and the affect on me is not just emotional but is felt all through my body.

My Pa is in hospital with cancer, and we have been told to "make the most of the time we have left".  It is smack bang in the middle of the one week wait, and all the emotional ups and downs that are associated with that.  And its been a little bit of a tough week for Earl and work as well. 

All this just means I am a very erratically functioning Lady Grey.  I function okay when people are around, but when I am on my own and I have work to do, I just don't seem to be able to do it.  And I'm constantly thinking ahead to "What if I find out I'm not pregnant on Xday?".  What would that mean for work, what would that mean for the wedding we are going to on Saturday, what would that mean for Sunday School, what would that mean...and the list goes on.  And I know that the most sensible thing in the world is to get as much work as I can now, because I just don't know what is going to happen tomorrow.  But I'm tired..

But maybe I just need to cut myself a break.  This week is a hard week.  I just need to accept that and slack off :)

Monday, October 1, 2012

1 week (if I'm lucky) wait

Oh I hate this bit. We have officially hit the one week wait. This time next week I will know. Though with my record, the odds of making it to the beta without a bleed are reasonably thin if I'm not pregnant.

Oh I want to be pregnant!


Thursday, September 27, 2012

The transfer that doesn't feel like it happened

Yesterday I work up, rolled over in bed in that fuzzy state you often go into between dream and waking.  I was lying there, not at all stress, but dreamily thinking "I've forgotten something".  Then it hit me.  The transfer.  It's the two week weight.

It's funny how when an act gets repeated it becomes more and more normal and less and less dramatic.  This time seemed particularly to be the case.  When I got up yesterday and had a shower, I realised I hadn't had a morning shower on transfer day.  This isn't too much of a surprise in terms of my normal life, I sometimes have evening baths or even (please don't think I'm disgusting friends!) no shower for a day.  But transfer days I was always careful to have a shower, to make sure I had no perfumy anything on me that would hurt my embabies.  But that day it hadn't even occurred to me.

In the past transfer days were days off.  I was determined to relax, determined to stay home.  I would write a post in the morning- you can scroll through my blog titles and see this is the case. This day I had two meetings on and I went and they were distracting.

The other thing that made this one seem strange is that it was so quick.

Our clinic usually says to come in half an hour before your transfer.  And I thought I did.  But as the nurse called me in as soon as I arrived I realised I'd gotten the time wrong by 20 minutes!  So we arrived, filled out the paper work, and suddenly we were in.  I put on my gown, we talked about the embryos, I got on the table, he put them in.  It was all so quick, I almost said to Earl "did that really just happen".

It was so fast that I wasn't really watching the screen when the scientist sucked the embryos up into the syringe.  So I have this weird thought "what if they missed them and they didn't go in".

Today was different.  Today I woke up, not quite able to sleep in.  I woke up knowing that the embryos were inside of me: dead or alive.  And I prayed, and I touched my belly the way I hate in other women and I said "Please stay".

You probably want to know the stats.

The two day two embryos that were defrosted made it!  One was a marula and one was an expanding blastocyst.  I am praying for both, but I'm not really expecting twins out of this scenario.  The blastocyst made the marula look so puny!  But it was still growing, so there is still hope.

So, I now have two in my belly and 9 frozen.  It still seems like crazy numbers.  But I can't think of that now.

Beta Monday week.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

I just want to be a cat

A few days ago, bff and I were talking and she said she had some "good but hard news".

I recon I've heard the words "good but hard" news come out of my bffs mouth a million times.  I almost want to talk to her about it.  It's almost like she HAS to acknowledge that pregnancy is good and that it is right to celebrate it, and she just wants to emphasis it to me.  That she wants me to to be a "good girl" and be happy for people, even if I'm sad for me.  And maybe that's reading too much into it.  But I think I want her to stop.  It's not her job to make me feel a certain way, it's not her job to counsel me to be well behaved in this.  It's hard enough to try to be mature in this situation.  It's harder when treated like a child.  It makes me want to be childish and say "Not good!  HARD HARD HARD HARD"

Anyway, off topic.  She is normally fabulous.  Its just this one thing.

Anyway- the "good but hard" news was (of course) someone was pregnant.  That someone was K.

Now- this is my relationship with K.

I met K years ago.  We shared a room once at a conference.  She was lovely.  I met her again when she became great buddies with my bff.  I maybe saw her twice (though I heard lots about her).  When bff got married we were both bridesmaids and went dress shopping together and made invites.  She then moved across the country.  She is now married to another friend of mine, but not one I see very much.

And she is pregnant.

Now of all the people I know who I couldn't really care less if their pregnant, K would be up the top.  She is in no way connected to my life.  I never have to see her or talk to her, my only real connection is through bff.

So I said to bff.  "Don't worry, I don't really care.  I mean, I never see her anyway.  And besides, I seen so many people become pregnant, it's almost like that's a world far removed from me that I'm not really affected".  But even as I said the words.  A wave.  A wave of pain and tears and anger.  At the unfairness of it.  Yes, I don't care two hoots about K or anything that is happening to her.  Yes, I am definitely better at dealing with other people's pregnancies.  But it's just unfair.  Unfair that I've had time to become immune.  Unfair that pregnancy is just so far away from my own experience that I don't even have room to be jealous. 

It's almost like being jealous of a cat because they just lie around all day.  I could be jealous of a cat, but then I'm not a cat, so I just don't think like that.  That is just not my world.  Every so often I might think, it would be fun to be a cat.  But it's so hard to imagine because a cat's life and my life have almost nothing in common.

And getting pregnant straight away after being married for 6 months?  That's something that cats do.  Not Lady Grey's.

And it's wrong!

The waves of anger and sadness continued to come, and I ended up blurting something out about it being unfair and that I wasn't okay, and that it just sucked.

Bff listened and then said: "You are an amazing person".

Lots of people say that.  I don't really get it-because it usually comes after a rant.  I mean, I am dealing with this, okay but definitely not well.  I guess they know it takes a certain person, a certain steel, a certain character to be able to live through all the crapiness and only have the occasional angry rant to reveal how terribly hard that is.  I guess that's what bff sees.  This person who goes on with life, despite this horrible part of their lives that doesn't go away.  Maybe that does make me special.

But I don't want to be special.
I just want to be a cat.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Injecting in an empty airport terminal and other things that I never thought I'd do before IVF...

One thing that I am very thankful for is laughter.  I always used to think that when people on television shows said they wanted a man "with a sense of humor" that they were just being too picky.  I mean, did a sense of humour really matter.  Don't you want someone who is deep, more than funny?

God definitely does have that said sense of humour though, because after I got over the initial "I don't want to marry a funny guy" thing- I did just that.  And Earl's sense of humour has been such a blessing to me, particularly going through IVF.  Sometimes, you just need to break the tension with a laugh, and he does that so well.

But I think it's rubbing off on me.  Because when I think about today, and all the medicine related dramas, all I can do is laugh at my crazy life.

So, as I think I said in my last post, trigger was today.  I've just had 2 lovely days in Sydney for a conference that Earl and I attended together.  And as I went I had to decide- will I take my trigger?  Earl (who organised the flights) told me that we were leaving at 3:45, and my trigger was to be at 8pm.  If the flight got in at 5:15, that left nearly 2 hours to get home still (it should take just 1).  Was I being paranoid if I took it with me?  But given I had to take my general stimulation drugs anyway- I thought, better safe than sorry.

Boy am I glad now!!!!

So, yesterday I was looking at the conference schedule and I realised the conference finished at 3:30.  I asked Earl 'Why are we flying out at 3:45? We will miss some of the conference".  Earl looked concerned, got his phone out, and then smiled and said, don't worry, the flight is at 6:30pm.

Now, Sydney to Melbourne usually takes about 1.5 hours on a good day.

I checked with nurse, and she said I could trigger between 8 and 9, so I felt pretty safe that I would be off the plane in time to do it. 

Which means...trigger at the airport.

Now- I don't know how other's meds work, but my trigger works like this.  Take awkward little glass vile.  Make sure liquid sits at the bottom (this takes about 2 minutes of careful tapping to get it to settle).  Break open vile, managing not to smash it so that you cut your hand (the one time I wasn't paranoid was the one time it happened).  Then, place it down, and do the same with the powder vile- without accidentally knocking over the first vile.  Then, get out a drawing up needle and attach it to a syringe: tight enough so it doesn't fall off, but not so tight that it takes ages to get it off (again- been there, done that). Draw up the liquid (again making sure you don't knock anything over).  Squirt it into the powder until it dissolves.  Draw it back up.  Unscrew first needle.  Screw on the second needle.  Remove air bubbles- managing to get all the air out without loosing a single drop of liquid!  Then inject.

Now.  This process is hard enough on our dining room table at home, after an entire evening of stressing about "What if I smash the vile again!".  Imagine doing it in a "mostly" empty departure lounge. We found a table, Earl stood so that people couldn't see what we were doing, and we broke and screwed and mixed away.  And I did it.  I shot up in an airport.  It was complicated and stressful.  But also really funny.

Just another new adventure in the roller coaster of IVF!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Ticking along

Not much to say. Cycle is ticking along. Started off very emotional and sad.  Feeling much better now. Keep having silly thoughts like "i better clear that out of the fridge now, because if that is still in the fridge when I'm pregnant it will make me vomit". In some ways I'm glad I still hope but in others it seems ridiculous. After all we've been through you'd think "when I'm pregnant" would be out of my vocabulary!

Scan today to find out timing.
Provided I don't trigger naturally, I will trigger Wednesday night and have the transfer Wednesday week. Can't believe we are back here again. It's been a long month...

Sunday, September 9, 2012

AF, emotions, and 5years and 9months of trying

Well, AF arrived on Friday. Shoots began last night and I have my first scan on Friday. Sometime in the next three weeks, all being well, I will have a frozen embryo.

Am I the only person in the world who is this obsessed with "How to feel" and "what to think"? It seemed to come up every cycle. I go between being scared and excited, hopeful and helpless. I want this to work more than anything, and to correspond with cycles starting I've started to feel more sensitive and empty. I think it's just that infertility is so normal now that most of the time I cope. But cycles remind me what I am missing and I feel the weight once again.

I saw Lydia yesterday. Lydia is an adorable little 4 year old. Though her mother mentioned she is 5 this month. And it hit me. September. 5 years and nine months of trying.  I could have had a five year old this month.

How to feel about that?

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Not fair

I could tell you about my holiday (which was good), I could tell you about all the unhelpful comments and pregnancy annoucements that accompanied it (which was bad).

But to be honest, the main thing on my heart at the moment is Sometimes, who has lost her baby.  I am in complete shock, and so very, very sorry.  It is the most terrible thing.  And while every loss is different and none of us can totally know what each other are feeling, because she found out the same way I found out about Thumper (at what should have been a routine ultra sound at 9 weeks), I keep remembering what it was like, how hard and horrible, and I ache for her.  I am so, so, so sorry friend.  I wish there was something I could do :"(.

I'm sure any love or comments for her would be appreciated at this time.

Love LG

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Life is better when your going on holidays..

Thanks so much for your lovely words and support.

Feeling but better.  Because life is better when you are about to go on holidays.

Won't be blogging for a week and a bit.  I'm off to relax with my husband and then head up to Sydney to see old friends.  And chances are some point while I'm away will be day one of my next cycle.  And I'm even little bit excited about that.

Holidays :)


Friday, August 24, 2012

The Weariness of long term IF

When I think of this road, there are various points where certain emotions are at the forefront.  At the moment alot of the emotions that have characterised the journey have moved to the back.  Jealousy is there, but it is momentary, generally other people's experiences of pregnancy and children seem so far removed from mine that I don't find myself comparing all the time.  I cry, and I feel overwhelmed, but in a different way than I used to.

I just feel weary.

I can look back through my blog, and see the Lady Grey who used to be.  The Lady Grey who really believed that things would happen.  The Lady Grey that believed her doctors when they told her "You haven't been trying very long, your so young, you make such a great embryos".

But long, grueling crappy IF has killed that women.

Now I am weary.

When I think of life, when I hear of others good news, when I stare at the blog bar on the side of my blog and realise just how many people have babies when I do not.  I don't feel jealous.  I just feel tired.  Bone crushing tiredness.  That defeated-ness that makes me want to sleep forever.

On Monday I had a cry because Earl's jet setting, party animal cousins are now pregnant.  I was really upset.  But when I think of it now I just feel tired.  So tired.

Is this the story of the rest of my life?
Now off to dinner.  With a pregnant couple.

Monday, August 20, 2012

How to transfer 11 embryos?

That was the question we puzzled out with the doctor.

His concern was that he didn't really want us to have 11 transfers.  After everything we've been through, with our history, and with so many day 2 embryos, he just thinks there are better ways.

This is the plan:

Start me on a natural/slight stimulation cycle.  Depending on how things go, I can either be triggered or wait until I trigger naturally.

Then two of the 2 day embryos will be defrosted.  If all goes well they will be thawed out and grown to blastocyst stage.  If one or both doesn't make it to blastocyst stage, one of the frozen blastocysts will be defrosted and transfered.  Either way we are looking very likely for a twin transfer.

This way we will have maximum of six transfers.  Of course what I am praying for is that our first lot of day 2ers have the get up and go to make it through to baby stage.  But I realise that is a long shot.

I'm glad to have a plan.  Now I just need to wait for AF to join the party.  I'm day 22 today, though doc said it was likely to be a longer cycle with its dramatic ( :"( ) beginnings.

Today my Dad drove me home from the appointment and we talked about plans.  It was good to hear him be so positive about embryo adoption as our backup plan, but it was a strangely painful reminder of why the doctor wants to get the transfers out of the way.

Because we might get none from eleven.

I am praying so hard for eleven from eleven.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Don't waste a day

At the moment I'm in waiting mode. It feels like life is on hold.

And it does feel like I just want time to slip by as quickly as it can.

But yesterday as I caught up with friends, I was reminded that this was wrong.

My friends were driving, with there three older kids at home and their one month old in the back, when a car rammed into their side. The car rolled twice, and they had to be cut out. They miraculously came away with only minor injuries, but as I sat in hospital speaking to them, there amazingly unhurt little boy in my arms, I thought, make every minute count. You just don't know when you or the one you love will be taken away.

Dont waste a day.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

The post I didn't want to write

You know I've been totally procrastinating blogging.

Not just that I haven't had time, though life has been busy.  But I've sat on the computer and I've had the time.  I just haven't wanted to write.  I've almost wanted to just push IF out of my head, because to be honest while I haven't been that upset, there's been depression looming around the edges.

It's been a weird week.

Obviously we are in a strange place, dealing with a bfn, but also dealing with the thought of 11 more transfers (or I guess 6 if we transfer more than one at a time).  The first week after was weird, because I was grieving but I was also excited about all the little embryos that just might make it.  Now this week, I'm not exactly grieving, but not feeling hopeful either.

It's also been a weird time in this blogging world, because lots of exciting, happy things are happening on the blogs I've followed.  Which is so exciting!  I am so thrilled about "Sometime's" (sorry, I don't know what else to call you ;) ) BFP, and Jesica's little Jett, and the fact that through all the heart-ache of divorce cgd has ended up with the amazing opportunity to adopt some embryos.  I am so excited to hear this.

But it's also sometimes a tricky thing as a long term infertile because once again I need to go a searching again to have more blogs to read of people who are in my position.  This is the second time I've had to do this, after watching those who blogs I followed when I first started blogging, almost all have babies.  It's not that I'm not happy for people it's just...this has been a very long road and I am so tired.

And there's just hard things.  Lunch today with friends who are unexpectedly pregnant, lots of babies coming, recovering from July which is always emotionally overwhelming.  And the real possibility that despite 11 embryos we still might not have a pregnancy.

So the reason I didn't want to write this post is that all this pain is bubbling to the surface, and now I'm crying.

But there are two bits of good news, which are helping me hold it all together.

The first is that Earl and I are going to have a holiday soon and I am so incredibly thrilled by the idea.  It's not that we are going to be traveling far or for long, but just a break together is the most delicious thing.

The second bit of good news is that Earl informed me that Big Sister-In_law told him that Little Sister-in-law told Big Brother-In-Law that they were not planning to have kids for another 2 to 3 years.  Which doesn't necessarily mean it won't happen (my life seems cruelly filled with "surprise" pregnancies at present), but it does feel like I can stop panicking about them announcing any minute that they are pregnant.  And as much as I would love their kids, I'm glad that I'm not going into 12 months of transfers with a potentially painful family pregnancy in the mix.

So this is my thought.  I think it's my turn.  My turn for a baby, my turn for a bfp, my turn for a miracle.  Next month.
What do you think?

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Processing another No

Thanks for all your kind thoughts, words and prayers. It means so much to me. Yesterday was bearable. Partly it was a busy, distracting day. Partly it was just 24 hours after I started bleeding and generally I have a bit of a 'optimistic break' as part of processing the BFN. And partly it was talking to my doctor.

He's not the most sensitive, personable doctor I've ever had, but it was a helpful chat. Basically he said this just sometimes happens with a high egg cycle. My body responded to the drop in hormones after the egg collection by dropping my uterus walls. Most cases the progesterone would prevent it, this time it didn't. He said there was no medical consensus as to what to do. So I at least feel like its not my fault. And as he reminded me, we still have 11 frozen embryos. As Earl said, we are still in one of the best positions we've ever been in.

Optimistic break ended last night. I feel flat and am deliberately taking this morning off.  It's been such a mad week, and I feel wrung out and week. Please keep me in your prayers.

Monday, July 30, 2012

All over red rover

Very heavy period like bleeding.  All I can think is that they didn't catch my low progesterone levels in time and my Uterus wall fell apart.  I'm a mixture of desvastated and guilty.  My poor embaby.

Why didn't I do a freeze all?

Never ending drama

The drama never ends with me.

Saturday I was excited about this cycle.  Sunday I was excited about this cycle.  Today (Monday) I got some bleeding.


Who gets bleeding one week after egg pick up?  And this isn't some cute little implatation bleed.  This is fairly thick dark bleeding, with just enough red in their to freak me out (sorry TMI).

I called the nurse who talked to the doctor who decided to check my progesterone levels.  They weren't crazy low but they were (in her words) "A little lower than we'd like".  So I'm now up to two pessaries a day.

And there is still a little more bleeding.  Seriously?  Best case scenario it's just left over bleeding from my massive egg collection.  But it's hard not to see bleeding and think that a ready to implant embryo might have just been lost in the flow.

Now my hopes are almost dashed.  I'm kind of assuming that this cycle is not going to work.  And I'm also thinking- if I had just given up on the transfer, if I'd just had a freeze all, would my beautiful little blastocyst just be waiting frozen for when my body was perfectly ready, instead of risking it's life in my stupidly unpredictable Uterus.

And to give a cherry on top of the disaster that is my day- I'm crazily hormonal right now- and about to up my meds.  Seriously- I've never been so weepy and pathetic.  I feel like this two week wait is going to be a disaster.

Mondays suck.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Transfer day and how to think

Today I had a transfer of one happy looking blastocyst.  One more was frozen, and another two are being grown one more day to see how they progress.  Four frozen blastos would be a great result, but the still crazy thing is that 9 two day embryos which were the best of the bunch have been frozen as well.  Including the transfer that is 13 embryos.  Amazing numbers. Earl and I have been joking about what life would be like with 13 child.

Of course, we know that 13 children is the most unlikely of outcomes.

It's hard to know how to think.  Ever since we got the news that 18 eggs had fertilised and got to day 2, I have been on a hope high.  After writing my post, I actually couldn't sleep because I was so stressed that we wouldn't be able to handle 18 children and were we irresponsible to fertilise so many.  Earl, a good Christian friend we confided in, and my parents, all think I'm being a little bit silly.  Because of course- the most likely outcome is that most of these babies won't make it.

So far we have had 15 embryos transfered.  Three were biochemical.  One was Thumper.  Now we may have 13 embryos- but in our case that definately doesn't equal 13 babies.  But it might mean one or two.  And that would be wonderful.  And that idea fills me with hope like I haven't felt since that faithful appointment last December when I started really facing the donation option.

Of course, it might mean none.  And it might mean that we are transfering all next year.  It might mean that embryo donation is still our best option, and it is put further away into the future.

But I still feel hopeful for this cycle.  Because, without us intending it, we have been put in a position of having 12 more goes at having genetic children.  We didn't plan it, we didn't expect, and the fact that we have it has one of the premier Australian IF specialists shaking his head.  But this is where we are at.

These embabies are a gift to us.
And I love them all already.  And one is in my belly.

11 days until Beta.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Happy Thumper Day

That is how I greated Earl this morning.  Anniversaries of loss are really weird to know how to think about it.  But right from the start Earl said that he didn't want to focus on Thumper's day of loss, or the day of miscarriage.  He wanted a happy day to celebrate Thumpers brief life inside of me and so Thumper day was born, on Thumpers due date.  Last year it was not happy, we prayed and we thanked God for Thumper but there were lots of tears and pain.

This year, when we went out to our fancy "Thumper day" dinner we thanked God for Thumper and we asked him for a child that will live.  It was a happy day, with few tears.

But the truth is, the thing I feel the strangest about is that it was actually a day where Thumper got a bit overshadowed.  I hate to say it, but given that today feels like one of the most full-on IF days of my life- then i guess it makes sense.

So, to today.

I went in for the transfer, feeling physically well and assuming things would go ahead.  As we spoke to the doctor he explained that while we had some great looking embryos, he was leaning towards a freeze all because my trigger did not lead to the best implantation conditions, and OHSS didn't lead to good pregnancy outcomes and he thought it was good for my best embryos to get the best chance and that was a freeze all.  So as I sadly agreed with him I asked how many embryos were still growing at day 2.

He counted on his sheet, looked at the embryologist and said "Really?" and she nodded and he said 18.


I didn't know how to think.   That is more embryos that we have ever transfered in all our past 5 cycles!

Of course, that's 18 on day 2 that had continued to grow.  Some were still only 2 cells, and most did not have the tentail signs of a perfect embryo.  But it is a huge number.  The nurse later told me she had never seen a single cycle that had produced 18 embryos at day 2.

I spin from being thrilled, excited, scared, guilty (should we have fertilised more eggs than I could ever carry?), pessamistic (ie if there problem is the genetic then that is just alot of transfers for no babies), and just in shock.  One things is for sure- I have my no regrets cycle.  No one could look at those embryos and say- we haven't given our last cycle a red hot go.

But anyway, on to the conversation.  I made a suggestion that I am incredibly happy with, and kind of proud of.  I suggested to the doctor- why don't we take the eggs that aren't looking as good- and grow them to blastocyst?  We would be transfering them all anyway, so why not grow them out and see how they do.  And then, in three days time, when we are even more sure that OHSS is not happening, then we can transfer some.

So that is the plan.

Provided I don't hyperstimulate.  Provided some of those embryos make it to Blastocyst- we will transfer on Saturday.  And if I am any risk of OHSS- we will freeze the blastocysts- knowing that the ones we froze are the ones who have the "life energy" (my old counsellors words) to maybe make it in the womb.

That is the plan.

Now, I need to go to bed, use my crinone- and get my body ready for a potential transfer.
But I'm still in shock.

I need to remind myself as Earl said (quietly and gently and helpfully), that the most likely scenario is still no genetic children. 

But we are giving it a red hot go.
And I still don't know how to think.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

38 eggs

So what do I do with that? I don't even know what to think, and still waiting on a call from the nurses so don't know what they think either. They let me go home though so assuming I'm not in too much danger yet. I called Earl in a panic after I heard the news. But who knows what it means. Definitely hyper stimulated, probably unhealthy. Don't know what else to think. Earl thinks this means that one of the 38 surely has to be another thumper, and he's really excited. I don't know what to think. Do you? LG