"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Monday, December 20, 2010

When will the fear end!

Well, the weekend with the Aunt went by without any family member finding out we are pregnant. But that is not to say it wasn't eventful.

Most of the time I get up at least two times in the night to pee. One night at my aunts I got up and I found blood. Very little blood. But blood. I went into my husband and we tried to work out what to do.

We ended up going to the emergency room.

The prognosis was that everything was probably fine- that if it wasn't there was nothing they could do, and if we have any more bleeding or sever pain to come in again. So far I haven't had either. The doctor recommended that if we are still nervous we should go to a GP and organise another ultra sound.

So that's what I'm hoping to do today.

I just want to stop being afraid!

I have vomited every morning. This morning it took a while. Once again the fear rose up. I can't loose thumper- I cried to Earl. But soon the vomit came. But I'm still scared.

Happy 9 weeks Thumper. Maybe there be many, many more. Please God!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


Well, I'm definately struggling with morning sickness. The dry wretching of previous mornings has been replaced with coughing up stomach acid- gross! And I sit here after my probably too big lunch and hope that it's not going to come up again. When I'm not sick I feel really good about it because I know that it's Thumper making himself known, but when it's happening it's just awful.

We are staying with my Aunt this weekend and I'm horribly afraid my vomiting will give it away. My plan is to get up- go for a walk so I can vomit out of the house. (since its just stomach acid and saliva and water I don't think it's too bad to vomit on the grass somewhere). I just really don't want her to know- partly because it would be hard for Mum's sister to hear before her, and also because she probably won't keep the secret and will end up giving me baby stuff for Christmas! That would give it away much earlier than we were hoping. And as Earl and I discussed yesterday- we have many years ahead of us of getting things that are for our baby not us- we might as well enjoy our last Christmas of being the favourites ;)

I realised today that I've made such a big deal in my head of how everyone is going to react to our news that I might be forcing myself to be disappointed. I'm trying to stop and just relish things for how they are, not how I've imagined them being for four years! But it's very hard. Because though it has been worst for us, it's been hard for our folks too- particularly my parents who've riden the IVF ride with us, and Earl's Dad whose watched his brother get six Grandchildren- Five since we've been trying. We are so excited about making them so happy.

Last night I dreamed I got my period. It was so nighmaric. When I woke up I was just so relieved. I even got up and checked to make sure. But Thumper is still here. I feel good about things. But I still can't wait to get to 12 weeks.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Fighting Fear

Yesterday I was afraid again. So much disappointment and heartache doesn't disappear overnight. It was so strange. I kept ringing up my husband- is this really happening. It didn't help that I felt alot better (less nauseous) than I had all week.

The nice thing was, just after I got off the phone with him- the nurse from the infertility department called, "How are you?" I asked politely, "We're all wonderful, now that we've seen your fantastic scan" she said! She was so positive. Officially, unless things go wrong in the next five weeks, I am out of their hands. The joy began again. This is actually happening!

And this morning I was feeling better, got worried again, and proceeded to vomit up all the water I had drunk so far that morning :)

We are thinking maybe telling immediate family at ten weeks. It's hard to decide- particularly as we really don't want it spreading beyond immediate family until 12 weeks. But I just can't wait to tell our folks :)

We've given the baby our own private nick-name- "Thumper" because of his little heart- that refused to stop beating- even when everything was against him. We are calling him a him. We both think its a boy- though we may be wrong.

We are having a baby!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Good news

Today I lay on the ultra-sound chair, my husband rubbing my head affectionately. Almost before we expected it- there was the little heart beat again. Still alive. Then the Senographer measured the baby.

7 weeks! Even bigger than we were hoping for. I am so incredibly relieved. It was so exciting. This time Earl kept wanting to look at the picture. It is suddenly real. We are expecting a baby!

'No one is ever out of the woods until 12 weeks' the senographer warned us. And we know. But we've gone from freaks who 'can't have babies', to freaks 'making babies that are too small' to...normal. Normal, Normal, Normal.

I am so happy.

In my tummy there is a baby. That baby is the size of a blueberry and it has a head and a spine and a heart that goes "Thump, Thump, Thump" at 150 beats a minute- exactly as it should.

I am so happy.
love Lady Grey

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Living in a bubble

Earl and I are living in a bubble.

Earl more than me, as he is on holidays so he is literally living in his own little world that I visit when I get home from work. We both feel incredibly lonely- but it's a weird loneliness because as much as we want to see people, we also don't want to see people.

We just don't know how we feel.

I am managing well at work. Really well. I think I have come to terms with the fact that I am a very functional emotional mess. Most of the time, whatever happens, I just do what I need to do. And I'm enjoying the relationships I have there. I am not alone. But I am either on the way to having a baby or a misscariage and I don't know which one it will be and so there is this strange distance between me and everyone except Earl- because they don't know.

I vomited again this morning. The GP assures me that is a good sign. She has given me a plan. This is what you do if Thursday goes well. This is what you do if it doesn't. So helpful. And it means rather than worrying about the future I can just wait. Each day is another gift, another day with our little one. But we want a life-time!
love Lady Grey

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Back to the waiting game

We had the ultra-sound. Almost without realising it was about to happen, there was little baby with a very obvious heart beat. I couldn't believe it. It was so precious!

The ultra-sound lady took a measurement and said they were a week smaller than expected. Is that a problem? 'It sometimes happens with IVF" she said, but she reassured us.

I thought I'd ring up the clinic just to see if we should be worried at 3pm. There was no need. At 2:30 I got the call. "We got your results back and it's not looking good".

But, but, but, we saw a heart beat?!?

24 hours of hell. So, so sure the baby would go at any minute. Until I talked to the counsellor and was reassured- it still might go on. It just also might not.

And so we are back in the waiting game. And ever almost throw-up and ever day without bleeding is an answered prayer.

Three options:

-Misscarriage this week.
-Next weeks follow up ultra sound- baby hasn't grown enough this week. More waiting, more bad signs.
-Next weeks follow up ultra sound- baby has grown enough this week. Good sign. Not out of the woods. But maybe back in the normalish territory.

You can guess what I pray for.

Trying not to think about the future. Just today. And maybe the day after.
Lady Grey

Sunday, November 28, 2010

U/S day

I feel like I should do a happy post.

I have been happy. Sure there has been stress and butterflies, worries that this might work- but overall it has been wonderful.

We haven't told anyone. It's so weird that only some random health professionals and us know what is going on. I had a weekend with my folks and it was like this special little scret I had, a secret that I know (God willing) will make them so happy when they find out.

I've been a little bit worried about the lack of morning sickness. I had a few gaggy days (particularly when I ate a big meal) but no vomits. So yesterday I decided not to eat straight away but to see what happened. Well it worked, I felt so gross and ran to the toilet a few times- though I kept it in. And this morning- well, not so lucky. After I vomited a few times and my sympathetic husband asked if I was alright- I joked "That wasn't as nice as I expected". After wanting something so much...and then realising it sucks! But it's definately made me feel more excited and confident about the pregnancy.

Today is Ultra Sound day. Today we will find out about the heart-beat. After this mornings "Hello Mum and Dad" moment I feel a little more excited and confident.
I am praying, praying that I will see my babies heartbeat for the first time today.
Love Lady Grey

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Not what I expected

For Four years I have been picturing this moment. Being pregnant. Finally, finally being off the IF wagon. And though obviously I have been pregnant before, this is different. This is everything looking good. This is hopeful time.

And yet I'm so scared.

Today I was suffering with cramps and pain and I didn't feel sick at all. I wanted to cry. It's over, it's over I cried in my head as I went over and over to the bathroom to check for a period. There was none.

A quick, silly call to the nurse helped with my fears. My ovaries are still overly large. By liaments are stretching, my body is getting ready. This is normal.

There is a little part of me that resents that my misscarriage has made me so paranoid. But I know it's okay. It's okay to just be nervous. I will have time to rejoice at the 6 week scan. I can celebrate at the heart-beat. If it comes.

Please, please, please,
Lady Grey

Sunday, November 14, 2010


I am pregnant.

I'm trying not to get too excited yet. It is the best news we could have gotten.

But I'll feel better after they test for the heart beat in two weeks time.

And the 9 week scan.

And then the 12 week scan. 12 week scan will be party time.

But there is a little, trying not to get carried away part right now. I'm pregnant.

Lady Grey

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Waiting, Waiting

It's been a special week. I think it's the first time I've enjoyed the waiting. Particularly because I've convinced myself that I must be pregnant. There is no reason to think this. Yes I feel different, but for the first time I've had hcg shots instead of crinone progesterone pessaries so it is probably not unexpected that I feel tired and incredibly bloated. I pause in front of the mirror all the time and imagine being pregnant- because while my tummy has been this big before, its usually been associated with the rest of me being bigger too. Now it's just the belly and the boobs which look huge :)

I know that I might not be. Every time I go to the toilet I panic, panic, panic that there might be bleeding. Every day that goes by without it I think maybe, maybe, maybe? It's hard because the first stim cycle I bleed a week before, the second one I bleed a week before (and it ended up being a biochemical pregnancy/misscarriage so the bleeding was not the end of the pregnancy but a sign that things might not have been great). The third stim was freeze all. So it feels like something must be better. But as I said- the medication is diffferent.

I love and want this baby and pregnancy so much. Earl has asked- will you be sadder if it doesn't happen? I don't know. But I can't be dispondent. This feeling of hope is just too lovely.

A little bit of belly pain. Panic, panic, panic. Please Father. Not a period. A pregnancy.
love Lady Grey

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Transfer day

It's funny how superstition can creep in during IVF treatment to the most unsupertitious people.

I woke up this morning. The sun is streaming across the trees, shadowed by the blue sky. After days and days of gloomy rain. It's a sign, it's a sign- I think to myself.

I'm still feeling so hopefully. Ridiculously hopeful. Don't know why. Maybe because I'm on different medication (can that affect your mood?)? Maybe because the misscarriage at least opened the possibility in my head of a "yes, your pregnant" answer at the end?

We got Four little embryos this time. As of Monday they were all growing pretty well- though one was looking brilliant, two were looking good, and one was a little slow. But the "scientist" seemed to be positive about all fours chances. I pray they all make it. I love them all.

I still remember my first ever transfer. We only had two eggs that fertilised. The nurse had told me- we will call you early in the morning if neither of them make it.

I woke up at 8am. I think i screamed. It was one of the happiest moments of the whole journey. God had given us a little baby to place in my belly! And even though that little one didn't stay (I named her Elizabeth)- I still look back at that moment with great fondness. I was just so happy.

And since transfers are such non-events in terms of intervention- I've packed my day with work I have to do :( and catching up with friends to pray :)

But there is a little part of me which would have prefered to sleep and rest and reveal in the "baby in my belly" thing.

In Lamintation there is a beautiful verse about hoping in God, for yet i will praise him. I have hope for a baby- but it isn't certain hope. It's a please, please, please, I beg you God, have mercy kind of hope. But I have a certain hope that despite what happens I will praise him and know he is good.

Please Father- help me whatever the circumstances. But please. Amen
love Lady Grey

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Hope and Heart-ache

Today was a funny old day.

I went for a walk this morning and I dreamed. I dreamed that this cycle- that one of the eggs that are currently growing inside of me- is the one. That it's going to happen. I imagined telling people. I imagined shopping for maternity clothes. I imagined having a baby.

Then I saw my GP. I hadn't seen her for months (she'd been away). I told her about the miscarriage. I told her we were on our four stim cycle.

She looked concerned.

And I wondered if I'm just kidding myself.

Can this ever happen?
love Lady Grey

Friday, October 8, 2010


Some people can be really insensitive. I read IF blogs and my heart just breaks.

But some people are incredibly sensitive.

Like my friend, who obviously worked hard to think about how she could tell me she was pregnant in her first try of IVF. We both sat in the coffee shop crying- and I knew that she was hurting for me, despite her joy, and I loved her for it.

Or my friend who turned up on my doorstep the same day that my affore-mentioned friend told me she was pregnant, because she knew I was being told that day, and she was worried about me.

Or another friend this week who was also concerned about how I was taking watching my friend growing bigger every day. She wanted to see how I was coping and how she can help.

Some people can be so sensitive and caring.
And just because we tend to focus on the bad and not the good, the horror stories and not the lovely ones- I just wanted to say- some people do everything they can to help you deal with your infertility.
and I love them for it.
love Lady Grey

Saturday, October 2, 2010


Strange how things work.

Before properly starting my stim cycle- five days after I start my first meds, I have a pregnancy test to make sure I'm not "spontaneously pregnant".

And even though I know the result will be negative, even though I hold out very little hope.

It always sucks.

How great to not have to go through another stim cycle.

But even more, how great to have a baby.
love Lady Grey

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Back in the Saddle

I really am doing a terrible job of keeping this blog up.

And its not as if nothing has been happening in the infertility side of my life.

But its just hard when I haven't told anyone. I am thinking about "following" other IF blogs with this blog, or even telling close friends. But still praying about that, I'd love the support and prayer but I need this to be a safe place, without any negativity or pain. Still thinking.

In an interesting piece of timing- we had our doctors appointment the week after the miscarriage. He was positive and encouraged us to do some more tests, just to see if we had any slightly unusual problems, or if there was a specific reason for the miscarriage.

Tim and I have seen a total of four different doctors for our infertility appointments. The doctor we have settled on is the first doctor we saw. We only changed off him because he is only twice a month on at the public clinic we attend, he spends most of his time at a private clinic. So we switched onto other doctors. But Tim and I have come to the very satisfied conclusion that it is better to see a good doctor that we trust rarely than to keep seeing doctors that let us down. One doctor was terrible, and a few just didn't seem to be as thorough, positive and sensitive as him. It is so nice to go to an appointment and not worry that the doctor might say or do something that hurts us.

There were no obvious problems (exhale), and so he told us it was try to try another Stim cycle. He talked through our chart and for the first time in months I didn't feel like a freak. He was able to discuss reasons why we probably hadn't gotten pregnant yet, and reasons why we still might. He tweaked our medication slightly and offered change which always helps my hope. He was so positive- he actually got me to think for the first time since the miscarriage- I might actually have a baby. And he has Tim convinced (bless him!) that this next cycle will be the one.

So I'm excited. But I'm also afraid. This last two months have been some of the hardest of my life. I feel so wounded, so raw. I haven't been my usual coping self. I've lost it in tears a few times in public, which is a rare thing. And when a friend got pregnant with her fourth (her third since we started trying) I was crushed again by the unfairness of life. I have some hope, but I also don't know how much I can face another disappointment, particularly another miscarriage. And I can't help thinking, if little Bonnie had made it I would be telling everyone now. I would be showing. I would be out of his hell-hole and back into real life of actually expecting a baby!

I find it hard to dissect how much of what I am feeling is due to the miscarriage and how much is just due to the usual fun of infertility. I know I don't need to know, but for some reason it helps to keep reminding myself that I've been through a really hard thing and that pain and despaire is a little bit normal.

My relationship with God is intact, more due to his grace than any strength I have! God is good, and I believe it and see it despite the pain. I had an amazing term of ministry. I have decided to stay on next year in my role, which was looking highly unlikely during the height of my pain. And as Tim and i plan for the future I am starting to get excited about things which aren't having a baby. But still, there are days when I physically ache with longing.

Please, please, please dear heavenly Father.
love Lady Jane.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I've been depressed

I've been angry

I've cried

I've screamed

I've had the worst few weeks of my life.

I know that this pain won't just go away.

But I've had three reasonable days in a row.

Days were I've been mostly okay and sometimes really sad and sometimes really angry.

But mostly okay.

I didn't know that I would ever be mostly okay again.

And even though I was so mad at him.

God has still been looking after me.

Lady Grey

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Not good.

Bleeding whole weekend.

Beta hcg only gone up by 100 on Monday. ie- a baby is not going to come out of this situation

Beta hcg goes up by 100 again on Wednesday. Fear of Ectopic surfaces

Today- in the clinic for two hours so that I could have an ultra sound that showed nothing. Doubly bad because not only was I have an ultra sound which didn't show a baby but I was to have an ultra sound which didn't show anything- so we still don't know what is going on.

And twice I was asked by staff "So, is this your first IVF transfer".

And how impossible and stupid do I feel to say "No, it's my seventh"

Blood test tomorrow.

Meanwhile I am still stabing myself with Clexan neddles, getting up at 5:30 to put in a pessary, and lying down at 1:30 and 9:30 for an hour for the other pessaries.

It seems like a cruel joke.

I know God is good, but this seems cruel, unjust, and so horrible. I don't understand.

I have never seen my husband so sad. He seems lost and he is so angry at God.

So I don't feel like I can morn properly because I want to be strong for him.

Please God

A break from all the crap?
love Lady Grey

Friday, July 23, 2010

My crazy week

The last four days since I have posted have been the strangest, craziest days of this whole IF process.

As I said in my last post- we had a very low pregnancy test reading which suggested a non-viable pregnancy. My 'score' was 20 on Saturday, and I was down to do another test on Wednesday. The chance I was given was pretty low. Stay on the meds, just in case, but don't get your hopes up.

I caught up with my friend Clare, who was twelve weeks pregnant with her own little IVF baby. I told her the story. I said to her "We believe in a God who can do miracles, who can raise the dead. So we are still praying. But we don't have hope".

Clare said she would pray too.

The next day I took the test (the ever positive nurse who took it kept saying- you never know, I'm hoping it'll be 120) and Tim came home so that we could hear the bad news together.

Ring Ring

"Hi it's Lady Grey here, calling for my results"

"Yep, they are looking fine"

"What, I mean, what do you mean?"

(Nurse takes a quick look at my chart- to find out why I sound so funny)"Well, it's gone up, it's now 185"

"WHAT!!! 185" (Tim looking at me in shock, trying to work out what was going on)

"Does this mean that I'm pregnant, is everything alright?".

"No, it does mean you are pregnant, but an early low result is a bad sign. I would give you fifty fifty chance that this pregnancy will go on".

Tim and I were in shock. We couldn't believe it. We didn't want to get excited. But 50/50 was the highest percentage we had heard for a long time.

When I told Clare she was amazed, and her face book status read "Clare believes in a God of miracles, and answered prayers".

24 hours later- bleeding. Heavy bleeding.

I called. The lady said not to panic, to come in for a test the next morning, and stay on my medication.

I took another blood test, but again, Tim and I sat by the phone, holding each other, expecting more bad news.

Nurse Julie "(Silence- sounds like its going to be bad news) Well, results indicated 540 so it's still right on track. Looks like everything is still going okay".

She told me not to stress. She told me to relax and not to do housework (joking though- so it didn't get me out of any). She told me that I shouldn't be stressed or anxious but that she knew that I would be. She said to come in on Monday if the bleeding continued for another blood test.

The bleeding continued.

So now I sit on Saturday morning- no idea what to feel.

It's hard to believe that a baby could still be inside of me when I've had the equivalent of almost two days worth of period heavy bleeding.

But stranger things have happened this week. I am NOT without hope

And to tell the truth.

For the first time in around 3 years.

I believe in a God of miracles.
love Lady Grey

Monday, July 19, 2010


This is for my record mainly. Because even though its a bit depressing- it feels like an achievement. I sometimes feel like a failer because I'm not pregnant. But I've done all I can- I've been really strong and that is something I can hold onto when I'm feeling worthless

First Stim
3 fertilised
2 to blastocyst
1 fresh transfered (Elizabeth)
1 frozen transfered (Ethan)

Second Stim
5 fertilised
2 to blastocyst
1 fresh transfered
Implanted but didn't stay (Victoria)
1 frozen transfered (Jack)

Third Stim
6 fertilised (one frozen at 2p stage)
3 to blastocyst
Estrigen levels high so all frozen
1 didn't survive the defrosting
1 frozen implanted (Esther)
2p grown to 3 cells then transfered (William)
1 frozen transfer- implnated but HG levels only 20 suggesting non-viable pregnancy.
Next HG test tomorrow.

3 stim
7 transfers
184 pesseries
80 injections
45 blood tests

Dear Father,
I know that you love me. And I know that whatever happens is not because you don't love me but because you do. But your son told the story of the pesistant widow so we would persever and not give up.
And so I will ask again.
Please give us a baby.
Let it be the little one inside me now.
Please give us a baby.
Please Father.
I love you,

Saturday, July 17, 2010


Feels strange to update a blog with no body reading- but I feel that I might as well. This blog might one day be something worth looking back on- when all these details that are so fresh and raw grow stale.

This was today.
7am- Pregnancy Blood test
8am- reading
9am-hang with husband
12pm- bleeding
12:01pm- Running around the house screaming and crying "It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair.

Then it got to 12:30pm- and I called to hear the words that I wasn't pregnant.

I didn't hear those words

I didn't hear the words I longed to hear.

I heard this.

"Your level is only 20, which means that it is very unlikely that you are going to be pregnant. Normal level is 100"

It's such a strange feeling. It's both not as bad as it could be and yet it's not really good. It's like a disappointment and its kinda not. It's not that I have hope. I don't. I know that this little embryo inside me is either dead or dying.

But it feels like something. It feels like a step, a bit of new information, a change from the usual no, no, no.

It feels like maybe, just maybe, this might one day happen.

I am of course praying to the God of miricles that if my little one is dying that he will save her.

It's so hard. Tim is taking it way harder than me. Anything that involves any medicine just confuses him. I keep forgetting I've eaten, sleepen, and drunk infertility information for three and a half years. He's just figured stuff out as he's gone along. SO when I tell him that our embroy is most likely dying- his face just feel.

I still grieve like crazy. Seven embryos is such a huge number- and part of me just wants to fall apart. Am I stupid to keep hoping? I let Tim name our last little one (he called him William). I think I'll let him name this little one too.

Today when I was lying in bed Tim came in and held me. He said "I promise you that I will do everything I can, and you will have a happy life. I promise that when you are old you will be surrounded by people who love you.

That is my biggest fear. Being Old. Alone.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The hardest thing

Children are not a right. I know that.

A friend asked me today, over a cuppa and lots of tears- what were the things that I found hard about Infertilty.

There are so many things

I want a baby.
I work so hard to get pregnant and nothing.
I pray and nothing happens.
I want a big family and now I might not have one at all.
It just seems so unfair.

I know that children are not a right.

But I can't get it out of my head.

I should have a two year old by now.

And I have nothing.


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Three strikes

When I first went in for counselling at the infertility clinic- one of the first things that I talked about was the fear. The fear of questions.

Questions come all the time.

I worked with Children- and anyone with half a brain can see that I adore them- and they seem to like me allot too.

And so the questions come:

"When are you going to have a baby?"

"Have you and Tim decided when you are going to have a baby?"

And to be honest, the fear of questions is sometimes greater than the challenge of facing them myself.

And so my counsellor said "Plan your answers".

Great advice.

This is Tim and my first answer:
"Hopefully one day" or "We'd love to have kids one day"

This is usually all we have to face. But sometimes there is a follow up question.

"But have you got plans?/Do you know when you'd like to start trying?"

Second answer:
"We have talked about it- but you know we can make plans but its really God who directs our path" or if not Christian 'We've talked about it, but you know sometimes things don't turn out like you plan".

Almost everyone leave it at that. But every so often you will find one person who will not stop.
Sometimes it's nice words "I just figured since you obviously love kids"
Sometimes it's nosey: "But when, I want to know!"
Sometimes it's hurtful: "But you don't want to wait to long, you don't want to get too old".

That's when I loose it. That's when all the pre-planning in the world doesn't help.

Third answer:
"I need to go. Sorry".

Lady Grey

Number 6

One of the great things about having a blog that no one knows about so no one reads is that I don't have to worry about how often I write on it.

Today they transfered another embryo.

That embryo- which was frozen at the point of fertilisation- is currently only at 3 cells, though it seems to be still growing, so the chances that he will make it are slimmer than normal (Tim and I usually pick a gender that we think our embryo is- and funnily enough we usually agree). But I love him and I want him to stay.

On the side of my blog i have put a picture I took of five flowers- white carnations. For mothers day at church flowers are given out to all the Mum's as an acknowledgement of them. At the end of the day, because they were there and I could- I picked up five flowers- one for each little embryo. Because even if I don't want everyone at church to know that I really am a mother- I wanted them acknowleged. But now I need a new picture. I am a mother of six.

Today at the fertility clinic Tim and I overhead another women (there for a transfer or pick-up) giving her birthday. She was born in 1968. I was born in 1980.

Put's things in perspective.

And hope resurfaces.

Don't know if it's a good thing.
Lady Grey

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I want to be happy

I want to be happy.

I want to be happy so badly.

Yesterday I managed it. I caught up with a good friend who has just started "seeing" another good friend. I love them both, and I love the excitement of new and exciting relationships. I was happy.

But as I said to my husband this morning as I lay depressed on my bed- there is only so much happiness you can drain from other people's exciting lives.

I'm so low.

The next cycle starts tonight. My period pain is dull and horrid.

I have no hope. No hope at all. I know God can do anything- I just don't think he wants to.

I want a baby. And I can't have one.

Today at playgroup there were two adorable girls. The older one who hung off my arm, trying to get my attention. The younger one who has the name that Tim and I have picked out if we ever, ever get our hoped for, prayed for little girl.

The elder one said to me "Your name is not Jane".
Little one "Not Jane"

Who am i then? I asked

"Your Mummy".

The little one put on the biggest grin in the world and grabbed my hand and said "Mommy Jane".

My heart melted and broke at the same time.

Lady Grey

Monday, May 10, 2010

The day when it finally happened

Hello nobody,

It is strange writing this. No body knows that I've written it except my husband and he wouldn't know where to look for it if it crossed his mind to do so.

Why am I writing this blog, that is currently to nobody, and might some day be read by somebody.

Because I'm sick of the half-truths of my life.

People who know me, even those who know me pretty well, are always talking about how happy I am.

So smiley

So happy

So enthusiastic

And when I write on my not-anonymous blog, a similar impression comes across.

For a long time I've thought that it might be nice to write a blog where I can actually write about the hardest, and (lets face it) most interesting part of my life.

But I've put it off. Often because I think- what if I get pregnant straight after I wrote it? Then it will be a totally wasted blog space.

So why today?

Today we found out that our fifth little embryo who made it to the womb didn't make it.

And my heart is sick.

Hope deferred.

And I thought- I'm sick of the half-truth that is my life. I'm sick of the pain. And even though this feeling will past, and the roller coaster of IVF will start again- at the moment I feel as if I will never be pregnant.

And so I started a blog.

Dear little Esther,
I love you so very much. I wanted you so badly.
My heart is breaking over you.
love Mum.


Lady Grey