"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Processing another No

Thanks for all your kind thoughts, words and prayers. It means so much to me. Yesterday was bearable. Partly it was a busy, distracting day. Partly it was just 24 hours after I started bleeding and generally I have a bit of a 'optimistic break' as part of processing the BFN. And partly it was talking to my doctor.

He's not the most sensitive, personable doctor I've ever had, but it was a helpful chat. Basically he said this just sometimes happens with a high egg cycle. My body responded to the drop in hormones after the egg collection by dropping my uterus walls. Most cases the progesterone would prevent it, this time it didn't. He said there was no medical consensus as to what to do. So I at least feel like its not my fault. And as he reminded me, we still have 11 frozen embryos. As Earl said, we are still in one of the best positions we've ever been in.

Optimistic break ended last night. I feel flat and am deliberately taking this morning off.  It's been such a mad week, and I feel wrung out and week. Please keep me in your prayers.

Monday, July 30, 2012

All over red rover

Very heavy period like bleeding.  All I can think is that they didn't catch my low progesterone levels in time and my Uterus wall fell apart.  I'm a mixture of desvastated and guilty.  My poor embaby.

Why didn't I do a freeze all?

Never ending drama

The drama never ends with me.

Saturday I was excited about this cycle.  Sunday I was excited about this cycle.  Today (Monday) I got some bleeding.


Who gets bleeding one week after egg pick up?  And this isn't some cute little implatation bleed.  This is fairly thick dark bleeding, with just enough red in their to freak me out (sorry TMI).

I called the nurse who talked to the doctor who decided to check my progesterone levels.  They weren't crazy low but they were (in her words) "A little lower than we'd like".  So I'm now up to two pessaries a day.

And there is still a little more bleeding.  Seriously?  Best case scenario it's just left over bleeding from my massive egg collection.  But it's hard not to see bleeding and think that a ready to implant embryo might have just been lost in the flow.

Now my hopes are almost dashed.  I'm kind of assuming that this cycle is not going to work.  And I'm also thinking- if I had just given up on the transfer, if I'd just had a freeze all, would my beautiful little blastocyst just be waiting frozen for when my body was perfectly ready, instead of risking it's life in my stupidly unpredictable Uterus.

And to give a cherry on top of the disaster that is my day- I'm crazily hormonal right now- and about to up my meds.  Seriously- I've never been so weepy and pathetic.  I feel like this two week wait is going to be a disaster.

Mondays suck.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Transfer day and how to think

Today I had a transfer of one happy looking blastocyst.  One more was frozen, and another two are being grown one more day to see how they progress.  Four frozen blastos would be a great result, but the still crazy thing is that 9 two day embryos which were the best of the bunch have been frozen as well.  Including the transfer that is 13 embryos.  Amazing numbers. Earl and I have been joking about what life would be like with 13 child.

Of course, we know that 13 children is the most unlikely of outcomes.

It's hard to know how to think.  Ever since we got the news that 18 eggs had fertilised and got to day 2, I have been on a hope high.  After writing my post, I actually couldn't sleep because I was so stressed that we wouldn't be able to handle 18 children and were we irresponsible to fertilise so many.  Earl, a good Christian friend we confided in, and my parents, all think I'm being a little bit silly.  Because of course- the most likely outcome is that most of these babies won't make it.

So far we have had 15 embryos transfered.  Three were biochemical.  One was Thumper.  Now we may have 13 embryos- but in our case that definately doesn't equal 13 babies.  But it might mean one or two.  And that would be wonderful.  And that idea fills me with hope like I haven't felt since that faithful appointment last December when I started really facing the donation option.

Of course, it might mean none.  And it might mean that we are transfering all next year.  It might mean that embryo donation is still our best option, and it is put further away into the future.

But I still feel hopeful for this cycle.  Because, without us intending it, we have been put in a position of having 12 more goes at having genetic children.  We didn't plan it, we didn't expect, and the fact that we have it has one of the premier Australian IF specialists shaking his head.  But this is where we are at.

These embabies are a gift to us.
And I love them all already.  And one is in my belly.

11 days until Beta.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Happy Thumper Day

That is how I greated Earl this morning.  Anniversaries of loss are really weird to know how to think about it.  But right from the start Earl said that he didn't want to focus on Thumper's day of loss, or the day of miscarriage.  He wanted a happy day to celebrate Thumpers brief life inside of me and so Thumper day was born, on Thumpers due date.  Last year it was not happy, we prayed and we thanked God for Thumper but there were lots of tears and pain.

This year, when we went out to our fancy "Thumper day" dinner we thanked God for Thumper and we asked him for a child that will live.  It was a happy day, with few tears.

But the truth is, the thing I feel the strangest about is that it was actually a day where Thumper got a bit overshadowed.  I hate to say it, but given that today feels like one of the most full-on IF days of my life- then i guess it makes sense.

So, to today.

I went in for the transfer, feeling physically well and assuming things would go ahead.  As we spoke to the doctor he explained that while we had some great looking embryos, he was leaning towards a freeze all because my trigger did not lead to the best implantation conditions, and OHSS didn't lead to good pregnancy outcomes and he thought it was good for my best embryos to get the best chance and that was a freeze all.  So as I sadly agreed with him I asked how many embryos were still growing at day 2.

He counted on his sheet, looked at the embryologist and said "Really?" and she nodded and he said 18.


I didn't know how to think.   That is more embryos that we have ever transfered in all our past 5 cycles!

Of course, that's 18 on day 2 that had continued to grow.  Some were still only 2 cells, and most did not have the tentail signs of a perfect embryo.  But it is a huge number.  The nurse later told me she had never seen a single cycle that had produced 18 embryos at day 2.

I spin from being thrilled, excited, scared, guilty (should we have fertilised more eggs than I could ever carry?), pessamistic (ie if there problem is the genetic then that is just alot of transfers for no babies), and just in shock.  One things is for sure- I have my no regrets cycle.  No one could look at those embryos and say- we haven't given our last cycle a red hot go.

But anyway, on to the conversation.  I made a suggestion that I am incredibly happy with, and kind of proud of.  I suggested to the doctor- why don't we take the eggs that aren't looking as good- and grow them to blastocyst?  We would be transfering them all anyway, so why not grow them out and see how they do.  And then, in three days time, when we are even more sure that OHSS is not happening, then we can transfer some.

So that is the plan.

Provided I don't hyperstimulate.  Provided some of those embryos make it to Blastocyst- we will transfer on Saturday.  And if I am any risk of OHSS- we will freeze the blastocysts- knowing that the ones we froze are the ones who have the "life energy" (my old counsellors words) to maybe make it in the womb.

That is the plan.

Now, I need to go to bed, use my crinone- and get my body ready for a potential transfer.
But I'm still in shock.

I need to remind myself as Earl said (quietly and gently and helpfully), that the most likely scenario is still no genetic children. 

But we are giving it a red hot go.
And I still don't know how to think.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

38 eggs

So what do I do with that? I don't even know what to think, and still waiting on a call from the nurses so don't know what they think either. They let me go home though so assuming I'm not in too much danger yet. I called Earl in a panic after I heard the news. But who knows what it means. Definitely hyper stimulated, probably unhealthy. Don't know what else to think. Earl thinks this means that one of the 38 surely has to be another thumper, and he's really excited. I don't know what to think. Do you? LG

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Egg pick-up on Monday- updates from the worlds slackest IF blogger

I am so sorry that I am so slack at blogging.

It is really terrible, given that its actually been a massive IF week.  The reason I'm slack is a good one though . I've joined a lovely, lovely facebook support group for IF, and so I find myself updating there and I tend to get alot of my "need to share" or "need of support" out of the way there.  But this is my record, and those of you who regularly read I really appreciate your support and thoughts and prayers so I want to update on the week that was.

Monday was my first Scan.  To my surprise, everything was growing quite well and doc said "Friday, Saturday or Monday pick up".  I was a little bit shocked as last time I had the pick up on the Friday week after the initial scan.  We had bumped up the dose to 150 this time so I assumed that was the reason. I was little concerned that it might be a Saturday op because we had organised a big social event with Earl's work, but as I went into Wednesday's scan that was my only concern.

There were follicles.  Lots of follicles.  Too many follicles.

I am now at a high risk of a freeze all cycle to prevent hyper stimulation.

Cue tears.

It was a pretty bad sight. I cried on my way from the doctor to the nurse.  Sat, trying not to cry in the waiting room for 15 minutes.  Saw nurse.  Cried.  Saw Pharmacist.  Cried.  Saw nurse again.  Cried.  Cried all the way home.

In the big picture a freeze all cycle is not the end of the world.  But in my world, my world of my last ever cycle, it doesn't seem great.   I was hoping for no regrets, for a Thumper-like cycle, and this just doesn't seem to be happening.  3 days later, with a bit of time passed and no obvious bad signs of hyper stimulation, I'm not as worried.  In fact, there is a chance we will go with a transfer anyway.  But with the weight of the world hanging on this cycle, this was not what I needed.

Tonight at 9:20pm I trigger.

Monday 10:40 I start the op.

Wednesday will be exactly one year since Thumper's due date.

Cue tears.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

No Regrets

I'd like to take you back just about 4 years ago.  To a small consulting room in a public hospital in Sydney.  And to a consultation with the most insensitive doctor imaginable.

I won't go into the details of the consultation, our first after finding out that I had PCOS.  Needless to say he believed that IVF was the way to go, and wasn't interested in discussing anything else, most particularly our views and thoughts on what was ethically appropriate.

Of course, we did go onto to do IVF (doing our best not to have him as our doctor while we did!), and now we prepare for our last.  But there is something in that terrible appointment that is still with me, and I can't help remembering it.

The doctor talked about a scenario in the future, when we are old and we are meeting a peer who says, "These are my Grandkids, where are yours'".  It is a horribly insensitive, terrible picture for an IFer.  But the point he made was this: "You may be able to have kids, you may not.  But you don't want to be that elderly person, filled with regrets with what you didn't do".

I still disagree with the premise behind his words.  Earl and I will only do what we think is right for any children we make, and if that means we don't have kids, then there will still be no regrets.  But that idea of no regrets has been a huge part of this cycle, started last night with my first injection.

We bought Earl some sperm assisting vitamins.  Now there has never been a problem that anyone has observed with Earl's sperm.  But you never know with these things, and I don't want to ever think- we could have done more and didn't.  No regrets.

I'm back on the vitamins I was on when we got pregnant with Thumper.  Again, nothing the doctor has told us to do, nothing special or significant about this mix of supplements.  But I would kick myself if I didn't do my best to replicate Thumper conditions.  No regrets.

The biggest one I'm failing on, the one that I'm really worried about regretting is my weight.  I am a little bit over-weight, and at least 3, maybe 4kg over what I was when I got pregnant with Thumper.  This worries me somewhat, but unless I do some crazy diet (which I don't think is a good idea is the throws of IVF, and lets face it, anytime!), I think I just have to live with it.  I'm still not very overweight, I'm still a great deal less than I was when I started this process, and I am going to exercise my butt off in the coming weeks.  So that can't hurt the process.  But I really hope its not something I regret into the future, and it definitely makes me feel guilty and sad.

Earl asked what I was writing on and I told him and he told me I was being ridiculous if I thought that a couple of kilos would make a difference.  I feel a bit better.

And our doctor is trying everything, even things he doesn't feel are particularly scientific, because he doesn't want us with any regrets either.

But there is another thing about this no regrets thing.  Part of it is the nature of this last cycle.  We have really tried everything.  Everything.  We've had a red hot go at IVF.  We've tried, and if it doesn't happen now, well then, we did our best.  There is something incredibly freeing about this.  I will be sad, I will be disappointed.  But I will have no regrets.  We did everything we could, and we did it upholding what we believe is right.

And there is a sense in which, if this doesn't work, then ED is the next path, and it is a good one.

No regrets.  But oh for a few less kgs!

Thursday, July 5, 2012


It's strange how your experience of Infertility treatment changes as time goes on.  There was a certain sense, in the first few years, of optimism and excitement.  Of course, I was never one of those people who bought maternity clothes or picked out furniture during the IVF process, but I always had a lovely sense of doing something.

Now the whole process is filled with dread.

It hit me yesterday that now I'm just waiting for AF before we start.  We've hit day 29 today, and I suspect this weekend will be the time for AF to show up.  And once AF comes, I call the clinic and begin my cycle.  I pick up my meds.  I start my u/s.  I begin our very, very last go of a stimulated cycle.  I mentioned it to Earl and we both looked at each other with such a sick, sad expression.  We are not filled with very much hope.

But while I am scared that it is the last one, and that in less than a month my dreams of having genetic children will be dead, there is another feeling.


Relief that we are momentarily off the roller coaster.  Relief that we have an alternative plan I am happy with.  Relief that whatever happens, I do not have to do another stimulated cycle.  Relief that at least we did all we can.

Oh, how I would love this to work.  I still dream about it.  My day dreams are all about little twins that look like us.  I don't know if it makes it harder that we have our kids names already picked out.  I see them, all the time in my mind.  I see me calling our kids by their names.  There is a bit of me that thinks we might just be due for an eleventh hour miracle.

But either way, this is over, and I am glad as well as very scared.  What a mess of emotions this process produces!

Earl and I had the loveliest time yesterday.  We took our friends kids to the Museum.  It was such fun.  We watched a 3D movie about volcanoes and the girl sat on my lap, hiding in my shoulder if it got to scary.  It was so precious.  And for once it wasn't about what I didn't have.  It was about what I had.  I hate that I'm not a Mum.  But it's pretty awesome being a favourite Auntie to some of the cutest kids imaginable.

It's strange how life can seem so full and so empty at the same time.

IF- you are a wicked witch!