"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Bad news from the doctor

I just got back from seeing the doctor, and it turns out my initial feelings from the scan were accurate.

Dancer is too far behind. Twelve days behind.

Doctor said best case scenario he continues to grow and catches up and is fine.  But he couldn't give us more than a 50 percent chance that this would happen.

Worst case?  Dancer could die before viability (which for him given his size will be late).

BH is looking good and will probably be okay, regardless of how Dancer does.  But if Dancer goes down hill after he reaches viability then we might deliver both of them.  Prognosis for BH will still be good, because he's so far ahead, so if Dancer makes it then BH certainly would.

I am falling apart.  I can't loose my baby.  I love him too much.  This is a horrible nightmare.  I thought we were past this crap!!!!!

Such a horrible, horrible, horrible thing.  I don't know what to do.

If you are a prayer, please pray for my precious boys.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Why a good scan felt like a scary scan

Well, it's been just over 24 hours since our scan, and I feel like I'm starting to process things.

I realise looking back over my last post that what I said wasn't really how I felt.  What I wrote was true, it was a good scan, there was a slight issue that needs to be monitored but it was a good scan. But it didn't feel like a good scan  It felt like a scary scan.  And I think it's taken 24 hours for me to get over that fear and accept the fact that the twins are going well.

Earl and I did some research.  Basically, most babies have 3 of these vein/arteries going into their placenta, but some amount (either 1 percent or 10 percent, it was a bit unclear), have 2.  For most babies this doesn't make a difference.  But some babies either don't grow their vital organs properly, or they slow down their growth so much they must be delivered early. The first one is not our problem, Dancer has very clear and working organs.  But he is a week smaller than Big Head.  Again, still within normal range, but they have to watch because if the reason he is small is because of his umbilical cord, then that is something to watch.  And it could mean, absolutely worst case scenario, that they both will need to be delivered very early.

But again, worst case scenario.  And our doctor (who does have interpersonal skills and is good at explaining things) will give us more info tomorrow.

But as I said, this is not a common thing, so it is probably nothing to worry about, and now that I've had some time I am starting to feel better.

As for the boy thing, that also took me a while to think about.  Earl said, "Maybe your so wound up because finding out we've having boys has made this feel real".  I got offended and said hautily "It always felt real!!!".  But while I have always felt incredibly attached to my babies, it has been hard to picture them outside the womb.  And when I have there've always been girls!! So I feel like I am getting to know my babies again, and that is an emotional process.  But as the days progressed and the words "sons" and "boys" have been repeated over and over, I begin to realise just how excited I am. 

So, barring a terrible pronouncement from our doctor tomorrow, I am starting to feel really excited.  We had a great scan.  And have two boys on the way!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

A mostly good scan

Oh, how I wish for a totally good scan.  I wish I didn't have any worries.  Overall, it was pretty good, though we will find more about when we see our doctor on Friday.  Dancer and BH were looking pretty good on most fronts: spine, brain, heart, nose, kidney's ect.  But Dancer is still small.  Not off the charts small, just small, and he has one less vein or valve or something going through his umbilical cord.  Again, the stenographer (who had NO interpersonal skills) said that this was not too uncommon and often not a problem, but she hypothesised that this might be why he was smaller.  She said the doctors said it was okay, but something to watch.

So I don't know how to think.  Should I be worried?  I just don't know.  Overall we are trying to stay positive.  And she said it was a good scan.  I just don't know.  I just wanted all good news.  I didn't want a wait and see.  And the women was just so very hard to read.

But we do have some news that is pretty cool. 

We are having two boys!

Again, not sure how to think about it (though there is no bad news I recon when it comes to gender!).  I was so sure I was having at least one girl, and when ever I've imagined kids they have always been girls.  I come from a two girl family.  It's just hard to get my head around.  Earl is just over the moon.  And I am getting that way.  We have two sons on the way.

Would appreciate if the prayers could keep Dancer in their prayers.  Our son.

PS Dancer is kicking me like crazy.  Almost as if he's saying "stop worrying Mum!"

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Liebster Awards :) !

Last week (or was it the week before) I got two lovely Liebster awards from my bloggy friends Lara and Mrs A.  I love Lara and Mrs A.  Mrs A was the first blog I commented on (after having this blog for a year!) and my first bloggy friend.  Lara has been a lovely supporter of me through the process.  I really enjoy answering questions about myself.  For those I've nominated though, don't feel any obligation to answer if you don't want to.  But I'm nominating you because I love your blogs.  I find this whole IF journey so fascinating, because while we all have this one thing in common, we all have such different experiences and lives and situations.  I enjoy reading all of you and really appreciate the lovely support and encouragement you are given me back over the years. :)  Some of you I have just started reading (particularly the twin blogs!) and I've been really enjoying your posts.  I won't nominate those already with Liebster awards, sorry if I do but I didn't know it :)

  1. List 11 facts about yourself
  2. Answer the 11 questions the blogger who nominated you left (that makes 22!)
  3. Ask 11 new questions for those you nominate
  4. Choose 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers to nominate
  5. Go to each bloggers page and let them know about the award
  6. Thank the person who nominated you and link back to their blog
1 I am a writer.  I am currently in the process of writing a fantasy novel.  It is one of the most enjoyable hobbies I have ever found.  My writing amount ebbs and flows due to various busy aspects of life, but I'm hoping and aiming to have a proper first draft of my novel before the babies come.
2 I am dreadfully uncoordinated.  I bump into things, I fall over when climbing up stairs, and I regularly pour water down my front instead of into my mouth
3 I have brown hair and brown eyes and look a great deal like my Mother.  I act like her too, which I don't mind one bit because I love my Mum
4 When I first married my husband, I thought he looked so cute sleeping I used to take photos of him.  He would be woken confused by the flash.  I put some of these photos on facebook, but have since removed them because I don't know if its totally respectable :)
5 I don't like cleaning or gardening
6 My main form of exercise is walking.  It is my therapy
7 My hubby loves video games, and I enjoy watching him play alot of them.  My favourites so far have been all the Zelda games, the Assassin Creed games, and Mass Effect.  I have a sneaky suspicion that Earl is turning me into a geek
8 I also love sci-fi
9 I think everything can be improved with the addition of corn
10 I love food.  I am one of those people who feels happy all day if I know that a nice meal is at the end of it.  I used to be embarrassed by this but now I embrace this part of who I am :)
11 Red is my favourite colour, and I actually think it defines my personality rather well.  I'm bright and enthusiastic and talk alot
Questions from Lara
 What was the last book you read? The Hobbit!  Wanted a reminder after the movie.  Slow start but wonderful book
2. How many pets do you have? None.  A deep source of sorrow for Earl

3. What meal do you like to cook the most? Pasta.  I'm a bit obsessed :)

4. How old were you when you met your husband? How long did you date before you got married?
I met Earl at 22, we started dating at 23, and we dated/were engaged for 13 months.  It was a whirl wind but no regrets at all.  8 years married tomorrow :)

5. What is your biggest pet peeve?
People who laugh when you talk with them about something serious, because they feel awkward

6. Do you fill stockings at Christmas? Or just decorate with them?
I decorate.  Although Earl's Mum still does a little stocking for us all.  Too cute :)

7.Do you separate your laundry by color?
Never have, never will.  And I've never really had problems with colours running anyway

8. How many pairs of shoes do you own? (Your best guess - we won’t check)
Probably about 12, but I'm about to do a cull.  Too much stuff in our house, and I barely wear them all anyway.

9. When you find time, what is your favorite way to work out: Zumba, Running, Yoga, etc?
Ops, already said, but I love walking.  Pilates was good for a while, but walking is the only thing I love enough to be consistent.  And it's free.  But we have an X box connect so have also gotten into Just Dance as well :)

10. Who is your best support person?
Earl is wonderful and he wins.  But I think Mum must get a mention because she has just been incredible in the last six years.

11. Have you ever had the nerve to say something snippy or rude to someone who asked an overly personal question about family building, infertility, etc? If so, what did you say?
I don't think so, not from memory.  If I say something at all it's usually thought through.  But I have some dooseys I've said just in my head :)
Questions from Mrs A
1. How did your life change in 2012?
 How didn't it change?  We moved state, moved house, both moved jobs and as part of that we moved churches.  We got a nephew.  And of course, we made it to 12 weeks of pregnancy with twins!

2. What is one of your goals for 2013?
To enjoy the newborn stage admits the craziness

3. Real books or e-books?
Books!  I tried reading on Earl's Ipad but he is always using it.  And I love the feeling of paper in my hands

4. What is your favorite dessert?
Cheesecake and lemon tart.  Is it wrong to say that my favourite cheesecake is my own homemade?  But lemon tarts always seem to taste better from a store.

5. What do you like most about your personality?
I think I am very friendly and easy to talk to.

6. Where do you volunteer (or where would you like to, if you had the time)?
I volunteer several days a week at our church.   I really enjoy that.  I'd love to volunteer at other things but life is pretty full as it is.

7. What is your favorite book and/or author?
The Bible :) and Jasper Fforde.  He is the only author I've ever read that I have never been disappointed in.  He is funny and interesting and clever, and I have met him in person and he's like that too :)

8. What do you do to relax after a long day?
Read, walk, write, or watch TV.  Cooking, depending on how hard that long day has been!

9. What is your favorite holiday?
South Island of New Zealand.  It was amazing!  Like watching a book come to life.  It is beautiful, there is so much to see and do, and it's one of the happiest times for Earl and I.

10. Who are your pets?
None, though I've adopted my in-laws puppy Pippin.  He is gorgeous and friendly and lovely.

11. How would you rate your cooking skills?
Pretty good.  Not a gourmet chef but pretty versatile and skilled for a home cook.

Well, congratulations on getting this far.  My nominees are (in the order they appear in my blog roll!) :

11 questions for you to answer (if you choose)
1. What is your favourite thing about blogging
2. What has been your most enjoyable holiday
3. Who has been your biggest support in the last few years
4. What are you most looking forward to in 2013
5. Which television character (or book character) is the closest in resemblance to you
6. Best meal you've ever had
7. Favourite physical trait
8. Best dance move
9. Favourite season and why?
10. What do you wish you could tell yourself from 5 years ago
11.  What cool gadget are you hoping will be invents in the next ten years

Friday, January 25, 2013

19 and 20 week update

Hello friends!  I am in the most loveliest mood this morning.  That is what holidays do to you.  I think the other factor is that after 5 days relaxing I've finally come to terms with the fact that I am not capable of too much at present, and that is okay.  So this morning I had a lazy morning and I don't feel guilty one bit.

Anyway, I've decided to do a more structured update, just because it will be fun, and also because it will keep these kind of posts from being too rambly.


Up to- 20 weeks and one day.  Can't believe it, it sounds so very, very pregnant

Weight: 74.8 kg- Weight gain 6.8 kg.  Not to bad I think.  Dietitian wants me putting on .6-.9kg a week this trimester.   Funny moment of the week.  Earl said to me "I think your bottoms getting bigger too, because I went to put my hand on your lower back and there was bottom instead".  He felt a little guilty about the comment afterwards, but I just thought it was funny.

Bump-Earl thinks its bigger now than it was when we started the holiday.  It is definitely pregnant looking.  The most obvious sign is when I lie on my back I can still see it.

Movement- BH is giving us a bit more movement which is nice, but Dancer is ramping it up too (can feel him as I write).  I've started saying hello when they kick, both as a bonding process for myself, and also has a fun way of involving Earl in the process. BH moves less but they are more sudden and strong.  Dancer continues to pitter patter on my ribs :)

Emotions-I am less angry emotional, and more crying/laughing which is a definite improvement.  I cried in a Hungry Jacks/Burger King commercial the other day.  The stupid thing was, it wasn't in anyway a tear jerker, it was just advertising a summer burger with pineapple.  I still can't work out why it affected me so much.

GD-Feeling a bit normal now.  Had one more hypo, as well as a high reading, which seems a bit strange to me.  Up to 20 units of slow acting insulin.  The food is becoming more manageable (we ate out regularly while away and I didn't get any high readings, and I am trying not to imagine all the things I can eat when the babies come, because even after birth I don't want to go crazy.  But Earl has been given the task of bringing me a slice of cheesecake at the hospital :)

Maternity clothes-I love them.  A friend just gave me all her maternity gear and its wonderful.  She included three formal dresses so I am set, at least until winter sets in.

Gender-We find out on Wednesday!!!  So excited.  Earl- after being two boys the entire pregnancy, has suddenly moved onto boy and girl.  I just don't know.

How I'm feeling-I feel funny saying this on a post IF blog, but I'm getting scared.  I have been reading lots of IFy twin blogs and it all just sounds so hard.  I don't regret it, and I am still so excited that my two little ones are there, I guess it is just hitting me how tough those first 6 months are going to be.  But I also can't wait to hold them.  I am thankful every day, and our scare last week made it all the most precious.

Not related to the update, but the holiday was wonderful.  It was in Queensland (Northern Australia).  It was humid and hot, but bearable, and the place we stayed had a swimming pool and was ten minutes from the beach so we went swimming at least twice a day.  The highlight was the sea food, we ate so much.  All good for the babies. 

Liebster award maybe tomorrow :)

Saturday, January 19, 2013

A stressful day with a happy outcome

There are many things I could be writing about.  A 19 week update.  My Liebster award (thanks Lara!).  But the most eventful day of the week was 18 weeks and 6 days.  Not a pleasant day, though with a happy outcome.

It started the same as most days at the moment.  I work in a very flexible job with Uni students, and January is a very light time.  So most mornings I just rest and relax and troll the internet.  But it was time to get up and be productive, and so that was what I started to do.

But I went to the bathroom and when I wiped there was blood.

It's strange, my first reaction to that kind of thing is always this crazy, unnatural calm.  I wiped again to make sure it was not from the back (it wasn't).  I walked into Earl and said "Get up, I've had a bleed and I think we need to go to hospital".  It was only when I got on the phone to someone at the hospital to let them know we were coming that I lost it.

It was such a scary ride to the hospital, Earl and I were praying, praying, praying that everything was alright.

After we arrived we saw a nurse right away, and she was very comforting.  She said a small bleed (that had stopped at that point), and no other symptoms, was not likely to be a problem.  But it could be a sign of a problem to come, and they wanted to check me out.

That "right away meeting" was the last "right away" of the day.  It took probably an hour and a half before the doctor came to see me.  Thankfully, at that point both Dancer and BH had done a little movement, so I was fearing less that they had died, and just that something else might be wrong.

One of the things I am passionate about is training of medical people.  As long as Earl doesn't mind I always say yes to Medical students being in appointments, because I know they will be the doctors of tomorrow and I want them as well trained as possible.  When the doctor came, she had a medical student with her.  She was okay (if not a bit wooden) when taking my very colourful gynacological history.  But she was the one to do my internal examination, and it hurt so much I had to ask the doctor to do it instead.  I've still been a bit uncomfortable down there since.  I really hope she gets better before she gets out there as a doctor.  But I also hope I didn't worry her too much.

But all was good with the internal examination, the cervics was closed.  It was funny, not the way I wanted to find out, but all the questions that had worried me (is my cervix closed and long, are the plecentas in a good place, why doesn't BH kick, are my babies still alive) were all answered that day.

Then it was another two hours until my scan.  I was starving (not a good thing when diabetic, pregnant, and on insulin) and so Earl had to make a trip to the cafe.  The hospital provided "lunch" but while diabetic friendly it was not pregnancy friendly and I only ate about half of it.

Then we had the scan.

All was good.  The tech was awesome.  She had found and told us about two heart beats about 5 seconds after the scan started.  Babies are good. BH was right on track (one day ahead infact) for size, and had an excllent looking heart.  Dancer moved liked crazy, but also was looking okay, a bit smaller than BH but still in the normal range.  It was a little nerve racking that he was smaller, but the tech assured as that our scan was all good news.  I also found out BHs placenta is at the front, which probably explains why we can't feel him move very often.  The amniotic fluid was the same for both and the placenta's far enough up to rule out placenta prevara (yay!).  The funny thing was, it wasn't a "fun" scan. I think the stress of the day meant I was relieved and exhausted more than excited.  Just glad they were alright.  I suspect the next scan will be the fun one (made fun partly because this one suggestions it will not be a scan of bad news)

We could have asked about gender but we didn't.  It was weird.  As much as I wanted ot know, it wasn't the time.  That day was about making sure they were healthy, and it just felt wrong to focus on anything else.  One and a half weeks until we know!

So all in all a miserable day of waiting with a very good outcome.  But it's convinced me of something that my Father in Law has been emphasising to us. I need to take it easy and not have pressure put on me (by myself, Earl, or others) to act like my pre-pregnancy self.  Thankfully we are heading away on holidays tonight for five nights.  Beach, and walks and reading sounds pretty awesome to me!

So, you will have to wait for 19 week updates and my Liebster award post.  I've had enough drama for one weeks post :)

Monday, January 14, 2013

Navigating Strange Waters

I had a rather long D&M on the phone with my best friend yesterday.  That is how it goes with us.  It's pretty funny.  She will call to organise a catch up, we will talk for 45 minutes, then catch up the following day and talk for 2 hours more.  That is what we are like.  We are both big talkers (she probably wins the race, but I give it a red hot go), we've known each other for over 10 years, and we can share most things.  It's super lovely.

But it is really interesting to get an "outsiders" perspective on me in pregnancy.  Especially one who has watched me these last 6 years.  She commented to me that I wasn't like she expected me to be.  She couldn't put her finger on what it was, but she just said that it felt a little bit to her like once I was pregnant it was like IF didn't matter anymore, and that this was not what she expected.

She wasn't saying that IF hadn't affected my view of this pregnancy.  She could see that it had.  But I think she didn't expect me to enjoy being pregnant as much as I am.  Maybe because she spent her whole pregnancy worried, she thought I would do the same.

It was interesting to think about me, and how I navigate these strange waters of actually being pregnant.  And like her, it is different, and I am different than I expected.

Sometimes it's like nothings changed.  When someone says something offensive to IFers, either on facebook or on the news, my hackles go up and I am mad.  It's almost as if nothing is different, I hurt for IFers who are still in the trenches but I hurt for me too, the old me.  And I am different.  I don't know what I would have been like had I got pregnant right away, but I don't think I'd be waking up every morning, reaching for my belly to check if it's still there, marvelling that I'm pregnant.  I don't think I'd be as worried or paranoid when I go too long without a kick from BH (Dancer is living up to his/her name and doesn't keep me wondering if he/she is still around).  I wouldn't feel chills all over whenever I think of our next scan.  I wouldn't be morning Thumper.  And I definitely wouldn't be as overwhelming thankful as I am right now.

But there are things that I do that I never thought I would.  I spend my morning trawling baby forums.  I look through instigram looking at twin photos and at Baby shower ideas (I'm not even organising my own for crying out loud!).  And while I'm very careful not to bore people with baby talk all the time, for those who want to hear it and care (like my family, my SIL, my BFF), I talk about it all the time.  And I was so sure I wasn't going to be like that.

And I always felt ill when people said things like "It was worth the wait".  It seemed like it trivialised the pain I was feeling.  And I still do a bit.  And I will never look back and be happy about loosing Thumper or all those heart breaking BFFs.  But it does feel like the happiness of now is flowing back, colouring and changing the way I think about the last 6 years.  And even though I'm ashamed of it, I can't deny that it's happening.

The truth is, I don't really know how to be a Pregnant IFer.  I don't know how to act, I don't know how to feel, and I definitely don't know how to write on this blog.

I don't know if I should be apologising for this.  I guess I'm just saying I don't know.  So if I do things that are offensive or hard, I'm sorry.  I honestly think very hard about what I write, but I still don't know that fine line between being honest and excited, and also sensitive and helpful.  I'm sure I fail every time.

But I am trying.  These are just very strange waters.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Adding two to a small house

Eighteen weeks today. Crazy. I'm kind of glad that after next week we have a holiday, because this scan waiting is driving me crazy. I noticed that one blog I follow has their scan at the same time, and they are a week behind me! But with lots on in the lead up I hope it will be distracting, both from my insane curiosity about gender, but also from worries.

Belly is getting more prominent, to the point where Earl is finally satisfied! It's pretty silly, I keep trying to work out how big it is "naturally", by trying to look down before I have time to unconsciously stick it out. Trying to trick yourself is a bit ridiculous.  Yesterday I almost had a hypo from the insulin, which was pretty scary. Just shaky and tired and a low reading. But the diabetes nurses are so relaxed. Big take home message-don't go too long without eating!

Yesterday mum came over for what I suspect will be the first of many "cleaning and organising sessions". She is amazing! Not only is our kitchen cleaner than its been since we moved in, it's organised in a manner that may keep it that way. Pretty exciting :)

Mum really wants to put the effort in so that we can enjoy the twins. She's been waiting so long to see us as parents, she is detirmined to make it fun! I am so grateful to her :)

But there is one thing that makes me a little sad. No nursery.

We live in a two bedroom unit. It is lovely, and while it is quite big, it's currently filled with the junk of two people without kids. A lot of it is infertility related, gadgets and gismos that we got to make us feel better. But once we cull it will be great.

But still no nursery. At almost every other point in this journey we could have had a nursery. I even remember crying over Thumpers "room" as it already had some kiddy stencils up from the previous tenants. But this year, Earl works from home and Earl needs his study. Once twins are 6 months and we move them out of our bedroom, then we will have to rethink things, but as I read the excitement of other post if people as they design their perfect room, I feel a little ripped off.

Today I'm off for lunch with the two grandmas to talk about what we need for bubs and how they can help. They may not be getting a nursery but babies are getting some pretty generous and wonderful grandmas!
Love LG

Thursday, January 3, 2013

A pretty massive decision to make

17 weeks today!  Earl is still paranoid about the bump and actually asked the doctor if it was normal sized.  He at first didn't want to say (17 weeks is too early to think about size), but he could tell Earl was stressed so he said "She looks normal for 17 weeks".  Symptoms aren't that different, constipation has picked up but it is very manageable   The doctor has also put me on insulin to get my blood sugars in tact.  At first that seems like a failure  but it seems like the best thing for my bubs and everyone seems to agree that I'm doing a great job sticking to the eating plan they've given me (Gold star for LG!).

But today's appointment brought up an important questions.  C-sec or V-birth?  The doctor said it would be good to make the "preference" now, and while it might need to change (if we go with V-birth and then the babies are breech), he thought it was better to plan now rather than spend the rest of the pregnancy stressing.  So we have four weeks to decide.

If we didn't have any embryos in storage, I think I would lean towards a C-sec.  C-sec seems to be the safest option for the babies.  And the doctor assured us that there is a good chance we could try for a V-birth in future (singleton) pregnancies, or we can (most likely) manage at least 3 more C-secs after the first one.  But we have nine embryos.  And I just don't think how to plan for them.

Obviously they might all not make it.  We've tried for a long time and these bubs might just be our fluke/miracle.  But it could be that the steroid I'm on make the difference, and all nine can make it.  But I think it's highly unlikely they will recommend 9 births after a C-sec.

I know it sounds ridiculous.  We are in the realms of the fantastical.  The odds of 9 more babies is so small.  But if there is a chance...?

Of course we could (and we would) adopt out any embryos I couldn't carry.  But my preference would be to carry all my babies if it were possible, and to make plans that make it possible.

Anyway, this is just the process that adds to the complication of what would otherwise be a normal decision.

And you want to know a secret.  I am scared of a C-sec.  It seems so silly, given all the procedures I've been through.  But it's the truth.

So suddenly there is this new world to think about.

We are now less than a month from our scan.  I can't wait.  Some days I CAN wait, as the fear creeps up that its not all okay.  But today is not one of those days.  Doc was very reassuring that the movements I'm feeling are a very good sign.

Which is good.  Because I am so desperately in love with these too little ones.