"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Sunday, October 30, 2011

How to keep up hope

Hi Friends,

Well, I'm still very much in the flat, not coping stage. It has been a horrid week, and I usually can't go more than two hours without tears. I am feeling so lost. One of the people's who blogs I read has just announced a miracle pregnancy. It was the first post I read after my period. As happy as I am for her, I don't understand. I don't understand why it is always someone else and never me. That is the theme, the song which keeps jingling round my head "why someone else and never me why someone else and never me why someone else and never me".

The only thing that is keeping me going is Earl.

Earl thinks we are going to have a baby one day. He really thinks we are going to have a baby one day. In fact, I will go so far as to say that he is more hopeful this side of the period than he was before it. This makes no sense to me, but I am grateful.

Perhaps because he doesn't have a medicalish brain, perhaps because he hasn't had to go through everything medical that I have and has seen no result, but Earl believes in miracles. He still believes that every month we can get pregnant. He believes that a new clinic can help. He believes that a baby is in my future and he tells me, "don't give up on life yet Lady, there is a baby coming for you".

I pray it is so!


Friday, October 28, 2011

Dull and horrid

Hello friends,
Thanks for the love. I'm sorry I doubted you were praying/listening- I was just in a very bad place when I wrote that post. Still not really in a great place, but better than that post.

I think sometimes when a negative pregnancy test seems like such a hard thing you just don't face it, hoping for the best. But now that it's over, yes it is difficult to face Christmas, the day we found out Thumper died, my sister in laws baby everything. But now that I know I need to face it without a baby in my belly- well, I know i will bear it. It will be horrible, but I will survive- because what other choice do I have?

I feel so incredibly lost. One of my dearest friends, who had tried for a baby for many years, when someone commented on the size of her baby, joked that she had brought it on herself, for when she would pray for a baby, she would jokingly ask for a chubby one. I left the conversation in tears. I just couldn't handle it. So many people get their much prayed for baby. No baby could be more prayed for than ours and yet- where is it?

We called this one we lost Mary, after Earl's Nanny who passed away in Febuary.

I feel so dull and horrid.

Thinking back, this day last year they were doing the egg pick-up that resulted in Thumper. I wish I could go back. I miss him so much.

Next steps?

Three months forced off, as I recover from this disaster of a stim cycle, as we move interstate to our home town, and as we find and settle in to a new clinic. Strangely, the idea of a new clinic and a new state gives me some hope- as new methods and new perspective can make a difference. But hope is far from my heart most of the time.

Keep me in your prayers, I am weak and lost.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Hope Dashed

I got my period yesterday.

My world is falling apart.

I don't know if anyone is even really still reading this blog to find out.

Or listening to my prayers.

And so, the worst year of my life remains the worst year of my life.

I really, really thought that I was pregnant.

I am such a fool.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

The brighter side of a two week wait

I've been living in a bit of a dream land these last few days.

Blissfully happy. Knowing that there could be a pregnancy going on inside my belly. I think the reason I am so happy now and so miserable usually is because in the past I had heaps of different negative pregnancy experiences rushing through my head but this time all I can think about was this same stage when I was pregnant with Thumper. It was the same time of year, I had the same bloated belly and the same timeline of just waiting to bleed and if I didn't bleed, well, that is a reasonable sign that the blood test would come back good. I also had this unexpected feeling of hope. I've been enjoying the possibility that things are happening as I dream they would- and we would once again have a pregnancy.

It hit me a little bit today that I am moving from the bright to the hard side of the two week wait. Yes, this first week is a time of not knowing and waiting. But it's a time when there is no chance of bleeding. It is a time when there is no bad news that can come. It is just the lovely possibility of good news.

Now I am hitting the week where I could bleed, where the bloating could pass.

But I'm also approaching the time when I could get a BFPs.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Transfer day, and then there was one

Transfer has happened. The most amazingly wonderful medical miracle in the world, that they can put a little embryo inside me, and it is the simpliest quickest procedure. It makes me laugh.

I am trying to stay positive, but our second embryo has not continued to grow. They are giving it another day, but its not looking good. So I am positive and sad at the same time

And then there was one.

"It only takes one" said the Accupuncturalist. Yes, for many people it only takes one. But for me it's much more.

Hoping that this one is one that we can keep.
If you are a prayer, please pray especially hard for us.

love LG

Monday, October 17, 2011

Transfer for tomorrow, and update on my babies

Transfer is happening tomorrow. I sway and swap between excitement and hope and fear and doubt. I have no idea whether the baby they transfer will stay but I hope and hope like crazy!

Yesterday I got a call from the lab technician who left a message. They said that one baby is at 8 cells, and one is at 5, but that she wasn't worried, and she thinks the five is still growing and getting strong and might even have reached 6 cells by the time she had made the call. Now I misheard and thought she said that they expected them to be at 8 cells by this stage.

SO I had a bit of a terrible day, worrying about my babies, and worrying more generally about life as usually happens when I am going through this process.

Later in the day I decided to listen to the message again, and realised that at this stage they expect them to be 6-8 cells. Yay! So one embryo is at the head of the class and one is very close to the normal, expected stage :)

We'll find out more about the little one tomorrow, but the 8 celler (which is likely blastocyst by now) is going in!

I am playing to be very gentle with myself, not work to hard, eat healthy food, and I'm even getting some accupuncture straight after the transfer :)

Today is an absolutely beautiful Sunny day. Not warm, but sunny, and it feels like after much delay spring is finally here. It is, in my books, a time for hope. And time to think maybe, just maybe, it is time for some joy instead of morning.

Please pray for me and my embryos.
Love LG

Saturday, October 15, 2011

To Thumper, and good news

Two of our little eggs fertilised.

I am so happy.

I know that two fertilisations don't gareentee two little embryos by Wednesday but it is looking good. I am incredibly thankful to God for this answered prayer.

And I am thankful to God for Thumper. Yesterday was Baby Loss Awareness day. And praise God, Yesterday was a good Thumper day. A day where all I felt was love and joy for the little one that I had, and not the terrible achey horribleness.

And on this day too, I want to acknowledge all my little embryos. I know I talk about Thumper alot more than them, but that doesn't mean I don't love them and miss them and think of them.

To all my babies- Mummy loves you and is proud to have given you life, even for such a short while!

Praying so hard for our two new little babies :)

Friday, October 14, 2011

3 eggs

We got three eggs. They are good looking eggs but there are only three of them. So scared this isn't going to work. So scared this is never going to work.

I was very weapy and emotional after my transfer. The nurse told me we would be using crinone because they didn't have any pregnal left. I got really upset, because for all my non-pregnancy fresh cycles we used crinone, but for thumper we used pregnal. I really wanted to use pregnal, even though I know medically it doesn't really make a difference.

One of the nurses searched and found the last bit of pregnel for me, and said we could use that instead. I told her as she handed it to me, "I know this doesn't make any sense". She smiled and said "Yes, it does make sense". She is one of the brisker nurses in the unit- but i love her for that special act of understanding.

I am weapy and emotional and just feeling so weak. I know that we will probably get one embryo at least out of this. But we might not. Tomorrow we call up to find out if any eggs fertilised. I'm so scared of that call.

Now I'm going to have a bath and read a book.

I am going to try for a few hours to not think about infertility.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

It's time

Less than two hours until pick up! Have been feeling excited, though I know the nerves will stop. Earl says it's more traumatic for him, he's the one who sees me in pain, I don't remember any of it. In fact, in the middle of my first egg pick up I announced to him and all the nurses and doctors "This is actually quite fun!"

Not sure what will happen. I have a few huge folicals and a few not so big ones so I'm not sure what will happen or how many we will get. Last two times we have managed 4 embryos out of 10/7 eggs so we'll see.

Please pray.
love LG

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Update on the nevr ending Stim cycle

The nurse says egg pick-up will be on Friday. I have had three days of 7am blood tests followed by 8am ultra sounds and I'm a tad sick of it!

My right ovary is twinging quite regularly, and I'm pretty bloated and tired. According to the Snographer (Sp?) my right ovary is twice the size of my left ovary, and appears 'stimulated'.

When I rang up the nurse to check if I should be worried she seemed quite surprised that I was concerned. "Has it been a while since your last stim?" she asked. I think my clinic thinks I'm a pro at this and are surprised when I find things difficult.

I am sick of being an IVF pro!

Overall, very, very scared that fear of OHS will mean that we can't do the transfer next week. But maybe I'm overreacting????

Trying to pray about it, and finding it difficult.

I really want this to work. This time.

Update- Egg pick up is definately on Friday, ironically Baby Loss awareness day (I think). She didn't say anything about hyperstimulation, which is great news because last time by transfer got cancelled they were warning me of the possibility at this stage. So filled with hope again. Crazy cycle! Please pray though, have a sore throat and really don't want to get sick before my op!

Saturday, October 8, 2011


This Cycle is getting me down.

Not just in the hormones suck and they are making me down, but as in the actual way things are panning out is upsetting me.

It's silly that they are. I am pretty sure things are going almost exactly like they always do. Eggs growing slowly. Likely pick-up around two weeks after I start FSH.

The thing that is getting me down is that there are alot of follicles- maybe 10 more than in the Thumper cycle- though most of them are too tiny to count. Which is scaring me because if I have any risk of OHS they will cancel the fresh transfer and I will have to wait, probably until next year after we move to do a frozen transfer. And because Thumper was a fresh transfer I feel like fresh is the best chance of having a baby...

All in all, a bit stressful.

I wish I'd recorded better what had happened in previous cycles, so I could compare and not be so overwhelmed with uncertainty.

On Friday night, Earl and I went to a dance. It was brilliant. It was the most fun I've had all year. In the excitement of the music and the movement I was able to forget infertility. I think I need more moments like that.

The following day Earl took me out to a three course brunch :) I think he's aware that this has not been an easy time for me and he wants to be looking after me.

So now, I've decided I'm on Gentle Lady Grey time. I'm not going to work to hard. I'm not going to exercise. I am going to eat healthy, but I am going to rest. I'm going to do nice things and buy nice things and make sure I'm looking after myself.

Stim cycles suck! But if I look out for myself, I will get through it. And if I look after myself, maybe there might be a baby in the mix for me too.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

A white lie

A few posts ago i told a lie. I said i was meticulous about IVF. I'm not! I'm a total scatter-brain.

A week or so ago I commented that I was upset about Daylight saving messing up my social life. I can't remember if Day light saving exists in the states, but basically in Australia, when it comes to summer-time, for the sake of sunnier evenings and not waking up at 5am everyday, an hour is taken away, so that 7am because 8am. Then in Fall, that hour comes back. Now is Spring in Australia.

DLS started on Saturday at 2am. I had set my alarm for 6:20am, since before daylight saving I was injecting at 7:20.

And then,(challenging Miss Clavel from the Madeline books): In the Middle of the night, Lady Grey turned on the light and said "Someting is not right!"

We were loosing an hour?

What did that mean?

I called up my husband (who was studying late at his study desk across the road).

"Earl, if I inject at 7:20 yesterday, what time should I inject today?"

"Earl mussed for the moment and said "8:20"

I said, "No, i worked it out, it's 6:20?"

Earl dissagreed.

I got off the phone. I was so confused. We were loosing an hour, that meant I needed to take my injection an hour earlier..but wait, we loose an hour, time goes ahead so that means...


I called Earl again to tell him he was right.

He said congratulations and encouraged me that if I had anymore daylight saving insights can I call someone else?

There are so many times when I almost do stupid things.

Almost leaving refridgerated medicine out over night/all day.

Almost forgetting to set my alarm.

Almost setting my alarm for morning instead of evening and vise versa.

Constantly Stressing that I took my morning meds at night and vise versa when I haven't.

But somehow, I have managed, over numerous cycles, to most of the time get things right.

That is not being meticulous.

That is the Grace of God!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Awkward meeting and who to tell about IVF

This morning I went in for a blood-test. As I was leaving the waiting room I looked up and spotted someone I knew. I was so surprised, so thrown by this that i gave an embarrassed "hi" and bolted through the door.

For various reasons we had suspected that her and her husband might be trying, and might have even been having trouble. They are nice people. We like them and they like us and I suspect if situations and friendship circles were different they probably would have been close friends.

But they are not close friends, and it is strange, walking out of a room knowing we are both doing IVF, with neither of us necessarily intending to tell each other that fact. Yet now we know.

Different people are more open than others about the whole infertility thing. I have friends who are happy as anything to say that their little girl and boy are IVF babies. I have friends who haven't even made it public that they had any trouble conceiving- much less how the conception took place.

Tim and I are somewhere in the middle. If we do have a baby, we would probably tell people about our struggle, because we've learnt so much and we are pretty open people. But IVF is not something we want out-in-the-open.

It is not that we are ashamed. We thought, prayed, and worked really hard to think about whether IVF was something we felt comfortable with Ethically. And we are more than happy with the choices we've made, not the least because we have so many beloved Embryos in heaven, because of the gift of IVF.

It is just that there are consequences of telling people we don't want to deal with.

We do not want to have conversations with people who think it is wrong, particularly because we have children in heaven we love because of it- and those kind of conversations are emotionally tough. We have had one such conversation once and we do not want to have it again!

We don't want to have people judge us or our faith by this decision. We are happy to say we believe that IVF under certain conditions is appropriate, but we do not want people to make rash, wrong decisions about our character because of it.

We do not want to cause any pain to people who have decided for their own reasons that IVF is not for them. How tough for them to hear constantly about other people's success (not that this is our issue yet!)

And particularly, we don't want people to think any differently about any children we have. Whatever children we have through IVF are going to be as precious and NATURAL as any baby whose have not, and we want to leave the decision of talking about how they were conceived in the hands of our kid/s.

And finally, no one else has to talk about the specifics of how their babies came into being, it is a personal matter, and nobodies business.

Of course, it's funny to be saying this on a blog where I talk about IVF all the time. The truth is that we speak about IVF where it is helpful. We have told friends who support us, mentors who encourage us, and family that are there for us.

We have told my parent's but not Earl's, because Mum's support really helps me, whereas Earl just doesn't lean on his parents that way.

We have, in hindsight, told more people than we would like, and the fact is it leaks out accidentally, usually when one friend mentions it to another, assuming we would have told.

But so far, not telling has been a blessing.

Bloodtest today, hopefully Ultra Sound and bloods on Friday.
Praying once again, for a baby. This time one that stays.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Jumbled thoughts of a hormonal hopeful pessamist

My emotions have been playing round and round on themselves these last few days. I haven't exactly been sad, but I haven't been a buddle of joy either. But there has been lots of thinking I'd like to share with you.

I was reflecting today, it might feel like from my blog sometimes that I am always sad all the time. It's just not true. Today I watched some sport with Earl, went to a friends kids birthday party, and did some fun knitting projects. The truth is, I have a pretty lovely life most of the time, with a really, really hard and painful thing in the middle of all the loveliness.

Thursday was an exhausting day. Blood test in the morning, and good news that I could go ahead with the injections then next day, Yay! That evening I had two big conversations. In the first one, someone was asking me about my plans when I move home in terms of work. I gave an answer. Then she very sensitively asked about the kids thing. Not in a butting in way, just in a sensitive way. And I told her "We don't know if we'll ever be able to have kids". Even after I said it, I was a bit shocked. Normally I am alot more positive when I talk about our struggles. I don't ever say 'ever'. But I think it highlighted some of processes my brain has been going through this week.

I had been musing the day before that often my fear of the "never ever" question overwhelms me, and so it almost feels like I need to face it head on.

Basically, the fear of facing life without kids is almost more overwhelming than facing life without kids.

I wanted to start thinking that possibility through, to perhaps ease some of the fear that had been lurking in my mind.

So I guess all my thinking about this lead me to answer in such a pessamistic way. Which was strange and emotional- to be at the place to say that. Not sad. Just strange and emotional.

Second conversation: I was approached by someone I hadn't seen properly for 8 months. She came up to me to apologise. You see, when I had told her about my miscarriage she had responded, "That's so great that you can get pregnant". It was one of those terrible things to say, that at the time didn't upset me, though I was aware that in a different mood I would have been furious and upset. She had obviously been thinking about it and she apologies. Even though she hadn't upset me, I was so pleased that she was aware of how uphelpful she had been, and wouldn't do such a thing again.

But all in all, it was an emotional day.

And the following day I started my FSH injections. And I felt really positive about this cycle, for the first time since it started.

I almost feel like I am hopeful and hopeless at the same time. Hopeful that this cycle could be "the one" but also aware that we might never have children.


Crazy hormonal lady- signing out :)