"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The hardest thing

Children are not a right. I know that.

A friend asked me today, over a cuppa and lots of tears- what were the things that I found hard about Infertilty.

There are so many things

I want a baby.
I work so hard to get pregnant and nothing.
I pray and nothing happens.
I want a big family and now I might not have one at all.
It just seems so unfair.

I know that children are not a right.

But I can't get it out of my head.

I should have a two year old by now.

And I have nothing.


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Three strikes

When I first went in for counselling at the infertility clinic- one of the first things that I talked about was the fear. The fear of questions.

Questions come all the time.

I worked with Children- and anyone with half a brain can see that I adore them- and they seem to like me allot too.

And so the questions come:

"When are you going to have a baby?"

"Have you and Tim decided when you are going to have a baby?"

And to be honest, the fear of questions is sometimes greater than the challenge of facing them myself.

And so my counsellor said "Plan your answers".

Great advice.

This is Tim and my first answer:
"Hopefully one day" or "We'd love to have kids one day"

This is usually all we have to face. But sometimes there is a follow up question.

"But have you got plans?/Do you know when you'd like to start trying?"

Second answer:
"We have talked about it- but you know we can make plans but its really God who directs our path" or if not Christian 'We've talked about it, but you know sometimes things don't turn out like you plan".

Almost everyone leave it at that. But every so often you will find one person who will not stop.
Sometimes it's nice words "I just figured since you obviously love kids"
Sometimes it's nosey: "But when, I want to know!"
Sometimes it's hurtful: "But you don't want to wait to long, you don't want to get too old".

That's when I loose it. That's when all the pre-planning in the world doesn't help.

Third answer:
"I need to go. Sorry".

Lady Grey

Number 6

One of the great things about having a blog that no one knows about so no one reads is that I don't have to worry about how often I write on it.

Today they transfered another embryo.

That embryo- which was frozen at the point of fertilisation- is currently only at 3 cells, though it seems to be still growing, so the chances that he will make it are slimmer than normal (Tim and I usually pick a gender that we think our embryo is- and funnily enough we usually agree). But I love him and I want him to stay.

On the side of my blog i have put a picture I took of five flowers- white carnations. For mothers day at church flowers are given out to all the Mum's as an acknowledgement of them. At the end of the day, because they were there and I could- I picked up five flowers- one for each little embryo. Because even if I don't want everyone at church to know that I really am a mother- I wanted them acknowleged. But now I need a new picture. I am a mother of six.

Today at the fertility clinic Tim and I overhead another women (there for a transfer or pick-up) giving her birthday. She was born in 1968. I was born in 1980.

Put's things in perspective.

And hope resurfaces.

Don't know if it's a good thing.
Lady Grey